Hate the narcissist
What Does A Narcissist Hate?
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When people with narcissistic traits decide they hate something, all hell breaks loose and no one in their perimeter is safe and trust me, I should know because I’ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt with my ex. My ex was a complete narcissist so I know firsthand what gets under these vindictive people’s skin and want to alert you to their triggers too.
1) Losing control
Control is a narcissists best ally and they need it in order to be able to sink their claws into their victims. From deciding where to go out to eat, to taking the lead in conversations, these personalities will want to be the ones pulling the strings and if people don’t get on board, well that’s just too bad.
They feel the need to be the one who decides and feel entitled to take the lead in all circumstances. Negotiation with these folks is literally a distant dream because they will only ever take their opinion into consideration.
2) Feeling looked down on
No one likes to feel disrespected, but narcissists simply just can’t accept the feeling. When they believe that someone has started to lose their admiration for them, things could take a dangerous turn because they’ll do anything to win back that triumphant feeling of being looked up to. After all, these guys need to be told that they are the best looking, the smartest and the most interesting people on the block.
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3) Truly strong people
Now, the thing is, folks with this personality disorder are completely jealous of other people. Be it for their possessions, their success or their abilities; the bottom line is they’ll always be envious of those they believe are truly respected for their authentic selves. It’s important to remember that these people are only put on a facade that they are strong, confident and respectable, yep, they’re only hiding behind a well-constructed mask and really don’t view themselves very highly.
4) Being lectured and challenged on what they claim to know
Now, this point could really make them see red! It’s not uncommon for sufferers to believe their own hype and to convince themselves and others for that matter of fact that they are experts in certain areas. Whether they believe they are completely up to date with current affairs, foreign policy or even the history of football, they’ll hate anyone else invading their so-called territory and claiming to know a thing or two. Jealousy also comes into play here and makes them feel threatened and undermined by folks they obviously consider to be inferior to themselves.
5) Being told no
Okay, so imagine the consequences of showing a red rag to a bull, well, a victim finally standing up for themselves would probably produce the same effects. People with narcissistic tendencies hate being told no because they believe themselves to be superior and know better than everyone else, so why would anyone need to go against them and affirm their views?
6) Seeing other people happy
You’ve probably guessed by now, but we’re dealing with inherently unhappy and dissatisfied personalities, who struggle to love themselves.
Their battles with their self-image mean they can’t stand being around those that seem secure and happy with their lives and situation.
7) Being confronted with the ugly truth
I’d be lying if I said these guys were the bravest when it comes to facing up to their realities and realizing who they are. In fact, admitting their weaknesses to themselves is something they are equipped to do. After all, feeling bad about themselves goes against their mantra of making themselves look and feel good at all times. Plus, no one really wants to admit that they are manipulative, controlling and dishonest.
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8) When someone else steals the limelight
How dare anyone steal a narcissist’s glory and if you choose to do so, you’d best be prepared to face their wrath! The truth of the matter is that these personalities can’t stand the idea of anyone in their entourage succeeding or doing better than them.
Competition is everything for them and second place is definitely out of the question.
9) Being unable to manipulate their victims
This is undeniably their biggest source of frustration ever. These personalities don’t exist if they have no one to manipulate and control. Manipulation is their biggest hobby, so when their victims find their voice and decide enough is enough, a feeling of anger and emptiness washes over them.
10) Being ignored
When all eyes aren’t on them and they aren’t being made to feel special, you can count on drama starting. You must remember that these folks have over inflated egos which mean they need to command your attention and have you at their beck and call at all hours of the day and night for that matter.
>>> Am I a narcissist? Take the test here
Editor’s opinion: Stand strong and don’t back downPeople with narcissistic personalities will do anything to remain in control and get what they want, so don’t be drawn into their little games when they claim that you’ve done something to hurt their feelings. |
There are many things that get to us but don’t let yourself be tricked into feeling guilty about things that have allegedly upset them because this will be a catalyst to gaining your sympathy vote.More interesting content:
- Can a narcissist love you?
- Do narcissists cry?
- How do narcissists behave sexually?
Are You Sure That You Hate All Narcissists?
Source: Gerd Altmann @Pixabay
Whenever the daily grind becomes too stressful, burdensome, or simply boring, we tend to escape into the fantasy world of books or movies. We encounter all sorts of characters there, some of whom we like and others whom we dislike. What is interesting, though, is that our criteria for liking someone or not often diverge in the real and in the fantasy world. If I asked you, “Do you like narcissists?” most of you would probably say, “Have you lost your mind? I hate them.” What are the odds, then, of you being captivated, for one reason or another, by a narcissistic fictional character?
Non-negligible, if we’re completely honest.
There are different types of narcissists and not all of them are lovable. But many are, if you look beneath their mask and know how to handle them. The type of narcissist that should be avoided at all cost is the malignant narcissist. They are similar to people with the antisocial personality disorder. We could easily label them as sociopaths in colloquial language. They cling to their sense of entitlement, believe themselves to be the best at everything, and never have any doubts that their wish is your command. They completely disregard other people and their interests and wishes. They feel no remorse and will use and abuse anyone to achieve their goals. They excel at manipulation. They are incapable of forming any kind of a normal relationship and will wreak havoc in partners’ lives. They thrive on demeaning others. They are sadistic, joyfully cruel, and take pleasure in humiliating, hurting and intimidating other people. The more you fear them, the more powerful they feel.
Characters the Vicomte de Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons or Alexandra Forrest in Fatal Attraction are the perfect examples.
Toxic narcissists exhibit similar traits but will not go to such lengths as malignant narcissists to intentionally destroy you. They have some capacity to comprehend the needs of other people, and some sense of morality. Sadly, they are often not willing to acknowledge it or act in accordance with it. They feel remorse on occasion, especially if they cause you severe damage, though in such circumstances they would rather discard you than continue a relationship with you. Contrary to malignant narcissists, they will mostly cause a lot of trouble within the relationship, thus suffering some of the consequences too. They will put you down in front of other people if that serves their cause or inflates their ego. Although they will feed their grandiosity in such a way, their primary purpose will be to increase their feeling of power.
Compared to malignant narcissists, they will enjoy holding power over you by using fear and intimidation, but will not terrorize you until you turn to dust. How about Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey and Miranda Priestley in The Devil Wears Prada?
Show-off narcissists are your typical, text-book narcissists. They thrive on being the center of everyone’s attention. They believe to be better looking, smarter and more successful than other people, and act accordingly. What they seek in other people is limitless, unquestionable admiration and deference. They want to be adored and envied. They are the proverbial peacock strutting their feathers, which in their case are money, other material possessions, and beautiful partners or famous people they know, or pretend to associate with. They want to dominate in every situation and feel entitled to special treatment, even if there are no particular reasons for it. They need you to provide them with positive comments about themselves and as soon as you stop adoring them, or present any doubts as to their excellence or omnipotence, they will discard you.
But they do not feel the need to demolish you. They do reject and devalue you and your opinions, but they are usually too weak to actively seek your destruction. Think about Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby and Gabrielle Solis in Desperate Housewives.
Covert narcissists are more difficult to spot as they do not express their narcissistic traits overtly. They are sensitive and shy by nature. They would rather observe and listen than try to be the center of attention. At first glance you would never characterize them as narcissists. However, they do make their presence as well as discontent and disagreement known. They still possess a lot of smugness and are convinced that they are better than the rest. You will hear them yawn, sigh, or groan, make barely audible dismissing comments, or roll their eyes at you. Should they decide to speak, they will be critical and judgmental, forcing their opinions on everyone. Deep down they experience a lot of self-hatred, feelings of unworthiness and inferiority.
Because they feel insecure under the grandiose mask they wear, they have difficulty establishing relationships. Intimacy scares them, and they use aloofness and arrogance to drive people away. They are constantly perceiving themselves as victims of people who do not idolize them and treat them as royalty. What they fear most is rejection and abandonment. They are emotionally draining in a relationship as they need a lot of attention and constant reassurance. Sheldon Cooper in
The Big Bang Theory and Jasmine Francis in Blue Jasmine come to mind.
There are many more fictional characters with narcissistic traits. Some you possibly liked, felt sympathy for, wanted to help, or even fantasized about. The point is that if you managed to find a bit of understanding for them, then maybe you could be able to look at some real-life narcissists from a slightly different perspective and give them a second chance as well.
90,000 Oh, how deadly he "loves"! Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist knows how serious the intensity of passions is.
I'll press it to my heart - I'll send it to hell - that's the style of these guys. Yesterday you were idolized and called one in a million - and "those eyes could not lie." And the next day, spiritualized eyes turn into empty peepers. This is at best.
"And such rubbish - the whole day." Extremely confused, we define the narcissist's attitude towards us as "hate and love." However, there is no talk of love at all. The narcissistic attitude towards us can rather be described as: "I hate and really need." This is how it turns out to be “go away”. Let's look into their "mysterious" emotions.
Basically, the narcissist treats us the same way he treats himself. It idealizes, it devalues and discards. Then he idealizes again. But it seems to me that with each round of your relationship - less and less. I read from one researcher that the narcissist despises us from the very beginning - because we bought into his self-presentation and believed in the realness of his feelings.
I also think his contempt for us is a projection of his contempt for himself. Which covers him from time to time - during periods of "inferiority", when the narcissist experiences his own insignificance. The logic here is this: if we can love such a nonentity as he is, then we ourselves are zero without a wand, and are only worthy of contempt.
But don't blame yourself for believing in his love. At the stage of Seduction (more details in the book), it works and is really very convincing. Everything is natural there! And dilated pupils, and a trembling voice... Probably, this happens because in the phase of idealization, the narcissist really experiences some strong emotions. But, alas, superficial and short-lived. If the narcissist had contact with his true self and was not afraid of his own feelings, this would be the beginning of his love for us. Now, the feelings that have barely hatched shoots are very frightening to him. And he begins to furiously pull out and trample them.
Usually the transition from love to hate (as we understand these feelings) occurs suddenly. So many victims of narcissistic "love" assure. According to my observations, a sharp manifestation of hatred (this stage I call Ice Shower) is preceded by Pen Tests, when the narcissist blows off steam in a way that is hardly noticeable to you. Hating you from the very beginning, he is initially forced to contain his inner boiling. But the pressure in the "cauldron" is steadily increasing, sooner or later the lid is torn off, and the process of "seething shit" at some point gets out of narcissistic control.
“But why does he hate me? What bad, but good, have I done to him? the victim asks. Take it easy. You did nothing to arouse his hatred. This is how he is made. His hatred is an extreme form of manifestation of his initial envy towards you. And the narcissist is jealous. And the more you get closer, the more unbearable for him the experiences of this envy become. With your perfection, you seem to confirm its “inferiority”.
And in order not to die of envy, he devalues you. This is his primitive defense mechanism. Listen to Sandy Hotchkiss:
“Narcissistic people are very competitive people, and the same qualities that attract them at the beginning of a relationship make them feel inferior to their loved one after a while. The person they thought could satiate their thirst for admiration later turns into a threat, and in order to recover, they have to eliminate this person. All the traits of a loved one that arouse admiration in a narcissistic personality, at the same time humiliate her.
And here is what the American psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, the author of the book Love Relationships. Norm and pathology”:
“Envy of a good object is complicated by the patient's need to destroy his own awareness of this envy in order not to feel the full horror of the frenzied envy he feels for what is dear and valuable to him in the object. Beneath the envy of the object and the need to destroy and spoil all that is good that can come from contact with it, lies an unconscious identification with the initially hated—and necessary—object.
“ It's all about envy ,” says Marie-France Yrigoyen. - On the part of a perverted person, there has never been love in the truest sense of the word. You can talk about dislike under the guise of desire for what the victim has, and what the perverted person wants to appropriate for himself. Such dislike then turns into latent hatred, associated with the dissatisfaction of desires
Narcissists, whose revelations I have heard (although they are only capable of fleeting frankness, because they are immediately overcome with shame), described this state as a drug addiction to a person. Otto Kernberg puts it this way:
“On a superficial level, hatred for the object of unconscious and conscious envy is usually rationalized 
"
“Narcissistic personalities are terrified of being controlled because they have very little sense of power. It is when they experience a certain pressure on themselves that sadism and excessive cruelty begin to predominate in their behavior, - writes Nathan Schwartz-Salant, American psychoanalyst and philosopher, author of Narcissism and Personality Transformation.
Numerous narcissistic comebacks are associated with this dependence on you. Again and again he is pushed towards you by a complex tangle of emotions. Here is the narcissistic hunger due to the loss of the "magic mirror" in your face. Here is the experience of losing a part of himself - after all, by merging with you and transforming you into a narcissistic extension, the narcissist finds in you a kind of “twin”, an integral part of himself, without which he feels like an invalid. Here is a vague desire for a triumph over you, so “strong” and “independent”. Here and emotional dependence - at the chemical level.
So, the nature of the narcissist's hatred was sorted out, and I hope they also understood about the lack of love for us. This key discovery - about not loving - is best done as early as possible so as not to get bogged down in a co-dependent relationship with a narcissist.
However, many victims refuse to believe in this dislike for a long time. They extinguish the sparks of doubt in themselves and assure themselves and those close to them that the "chatter" that they experience with a narcissist is real, passionate love. It is for "ordinary" people that everything is boring and predictable: care, tenderness, attention, mutual understanding. Yawn hunting. And here - “I hate and love”, “ice and fire”, “oh how deadly we love” ...
Polenyev is thrown into this fire of self-deception by the stereotypes that exist in our society and which many do not critically comprehend, but are taken for granted.
"I torture those I love" is a myth writes Lundy Bancroft.
- Most people try to behave with the people they love in the best possible way. Does this mean that these people love their partners less than the tormentors? This is some nonsense. But for some reason, there is a widespread unhealthy belief in our society that passion and aggression are closely related, and that deafening verbal altercations are the price that must be paid for deep and sensual relationships. Movies and soap operas often reinforce this image.
Some killers of their own wives manage to claim that they did it because they were madly in love with their victims. And, unfortunately, the media often accept this absurdity, calling such people "victims of passions." But what is the best proof that a man did not love his wife? If a woman kills her child, is anyone able to believe that this is from overflowing love? Yes, not for a second. True love means respect for the partner's personality, wishing him the best, supporting his self-confidence and independence.
All this is incompatible with humiliation and coercion » .
Tags: love addiction, love drug, male manipulator, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic expansion, hate and love, unhappy love, emotional vampires
The main sign of a narcissist that everyone seems to forget narcissist primarily as a selfish and narcissistic person. This is why I hate the word "narcissist". Because its original meaning does not correspond to what we understand by "narcissism." Describing a narcissist simply as a "narcissist" is like saying that a cancerous tumor is something like a runny nose.
To reduce the concept of narcissism to a single sign is to completely distort its essence. Any victim of narcissistic abuse will tell you this. The simplistic definition of narcissism as narcissism irritates those who are well aware of the terrible consequences of narcissistic behavior for its victims. After all, those of us who have been crushed by a relationship with a narcissist are well aware that a narcissist is not the kind of guy who constantly slaps duckface selfies on Facebook and Instagram.
But what is most surprising is this. Narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder) is an epidemic scale problem (like oncology, for example), and a lot of research should be devoted to it, special programs should be developed to inform the population. But none of this! Even when I worked at a domestic violence shelter, we weren't told anything about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
I can't get my head around it!
I myself did not fully understand the essence of narcissism until I got into a serious relationship with two different covert narcissists twice within five years. I went through hellish torments, trying to understand what it was? But even the therapist whose client I was at that time never used the terms narcissist and sociopath. And of course, when I started using the word "narcissist" to describe my ex's personality, people didn't understand me! How else to describe a person who is not only narcissistic - he lies, manipulates, steals, cheats and generally behaves like a lunatic.
The main sign of a narcissist, which no one seems to talk about, is that his destructiveness is CONSCIOUS. The narcissist doesn't care about anyone. He is not worried about how his behavior will affect other people. He just wants to get what he wants.
The narcissist is destructive because he needs as many narcissistic resource providers as possible to please his insatiable ego. (Suppliers are people who can provide the narcissist with food, clothing, shelter, sex, money, positively influence his reputation, or advance him up the social ladder.)
The narcissist needs suppliers like a heroin addict: he will do anything to get a dose. The search for a supplier is also extremely destructive: the narcissist lies, slanders, manipulates, steals - he is ready to do anything to get what he wants. Just like a drug addict, he is dangerous for everyone: for his wife, parents, colleagues, and even (and very often!) his children.
By their behavior, the narcissist destroys families - not only physically (divorce), but also emotionally, psychologically, and often financially too.
The narcissist has no empathy, no conscience, and no remorse.
I often receive e-mails from people who are trying to understand: how did it happen that such a loving and caring person suddenly, suddenly, as if by magic, became so angry, arrogant, boorish and mean? It is very difficult to grasp the essence of a narcissist - and I have completely gone through it too. Narcissistic destructiveness is multi-level, and until a person goes through all the levels to the end, he will not be able to understand the essence of narcissism.
… And the second most common comment I get by e-mail starts with something like “I didn't even know such people existed in the world…” Yes. I didn't know either. After all, we are taught from childhood that there are no monsters, but in fact, daffodils are much worse than fairy-tale villains. They pretend to be charming until they are sure that they have you at their disposal.
Narcissists often choose the most successful people as their victims, only to bring them down as low as possible.
At first, when this happened to me, I could not understand: well, okay, he is acting treacherous and destructive, but all this ... is completely pointless! In the end, at first I did not want to enter into a serious relationship at all. I just got divorced and I needed a break. For the time being, I even convinced him that there were other people besides me who could be noticed, but he did not want to hear anything about it. He only wanted to be me. ... And no one else. So he said.
In general, when I found out that he was deceiving me, I could not understand the meaning of this lie, because sooner or later I would have found out about his betrayals anyway. Perhaps he thought that his demonstrative illusory "fidelity" would induce me to love him (which, in general, happened later), or that the appearance of constant monogamous relationships would be a good cover for his scattered sex life. Or maybe he hoped to lift me up as high as possible so that he could enjoy my humiliation at the overthrow.
Or maybe - and even more likely, as I understand now, typing these lines - he wanted me to finance his business, and his demonstrative preference for me over others should have been additional confirmation of our partnership to lead me to the idea of marriage, which will raise his social position to the level of a business owner, bypassing the risks that those who start a business using borrowed funds bear.
I don't know if he feigned loyalty for one or more of the reasons listed, or perhaps none of them. I will never know what was in his head. What I am sure of for sure: he is a destructive person and I hope that I will never see him again.
The truth is that the behavior of the narcissist looks inconsistent, meaningless and stupid because it is inconsistent, meaningless and stupid. They like to exercise power and control over the situation and over our emotions. This is why the narcissist may come home and demand a divorce out of the blue — right after you have reconciled and re-established a close relationship.
That's why they empty your bank accounts or borrow tons of money without you knowing, and then just leave your city - even after accidentally winning the lottery or receiving a hefty inheritance.
He does this because he has the ability to do it, and, to some extent, because he likes to watch you suffer. Yes, yes, you heard right! Narcissists enjoy our suffering. The more you suffer, the more significant person he feels. The stronger our reaction, the stronger the feeding of his ego.
Note that any emotional response you show, positive or negative, is his victory. That's how he creates a win-win game for himself! Unfortunately, the victim does not understand that he is in the game until the mask of social well-being slips off the narcissist, and he sees firsthand the complete lack of compassion and remorse - in all its ugliness.
That is why, in order to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, the victim must pretend to be a rag or, even better, break contact.
