Emotional intelligence improving

How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence - Professional Development

Today’s in-demand skills are increasingly technical in nature. However, there’s a corresponding need for the uniquely human ability to work with and through others to accomplish important goals.

Enter emotional intelligence (EI), a set of skills that help us recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions as well as recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others.

We recently spoke with Margaret Andrews, instructor of Emotional Intelligence in Leadership, about how people can build EI for better interpersonal relations. Andrews is the former associate dean at Harvard University’s Division of Continuing Education and executive director at the MIT Sloan School of Management.

“Emotional intelligence is critical in building and maintaining relationships and influencing others—key skills that help people throughout their career and wherever they sit in an organizational structure,” says Andrews.

Additionally, research suggests that people with a high emotional quotient (EQ) are more innovative and have higher job satisfaction than those with lower EQs.

Let’s dive into what exactly EI entails, and how you can improve on this essential component of successful relationships.

What Are the Components of Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills and behaviors. While some people will be naturally more adept at certain aspects, EI can be learned, developed, and enhanced.

The four main components of EI are self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and social skills:

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to identify and understand your own emotions and the impact we have on others. It’s the cornerstone of emotional intelligence and the other components of EI depend on this self-awareness.

“It all starts with self-awareness, which is foundation of EI, and it builds from there. If you’re aware of your own emotions and the behaviors they trigger, you can begin to manage these emotions and behaviors,” says Andrews.

Our emotions impact our mood, behaviors, performance, and interactions with other people. “We are all having emotions all the time,” says Andrews, “the question is whether you are aware of these emotions and the impact they have on your behavior – and other people.”

According to Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, researcher, and author of Insight, people who are self-aware tend to be more confident and more creative. They also make better decisions, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively.

Self-Regulation

Self-awareness opens the door to self-regulation, which is the ability to manage these emotions and behaviors. Once we’re aware of our emotions, we can begin to manage them and keep the disruptive emotions and impulses under control.

“People with strong self-regulation can pause and take a deep breath in tense and stressful situations, explains Andrews, “which helps them remain calm and think before they speak or act.”

These people tend toward a positive outlook and are adaptable to a variety of situations and circumstances. “On the flip side,” she says, “those that cannot contain their negative emotions and impulses often set off a chain reaction of negative emotions in others.”

“There’s an old adage that people join organizations and leave managers,” says Andrews, “and it’s true. So, companies – or managers – that have high turnover rates should take a look in the mirror.”

Social Awareness

Social awareness is our ability to understand the emotions of others and a key component of this is empathy.

Jamil Zaki, a Stanford professor and author of The War for Kindness, describes empathy as having three components – identifying what others feel, sharing this emotion, and wishing to improve their experience.

“It’s not about how you would feel in their situation, but rather, how they actually feel,” says Andrews.

People with strong social awareness tend toward kindness. However, this doesn’t mean they cannot give others difficult feedback – in fact, they may be better at delivering this ‘tough love’ because they understand the other person and want to help them improve.

Social Skills

“Social skills are what separate a great manager from a good one,” says Andrews.

These skills, which include influence, conflict management, teamwork, and the ability to inspire others, make it possible to build and maintain healthy relationships in all parts of your life.

People with strong social skills can make an enormous difference on a team and in organizations because they understand others and act on this knowledge to move people toward a common goal.

To improve your emotional intelligence, you need to start at the beginning, with self-awareness. However, gauging your self-awareness is innately difficult because, as Andrews puts it, “you don’t know what you don’t know.”

Emotional Intelligence in Leadership

Search all Communication programs.

Research Reveals Barriers to Self-Awareness

Without an objective sense of who you are and what drives you, it’s nearly impossible to be emotionally intelligent. Andrews cites a study by Tasha Eurich which found that 95 percent of participants gave themselves high marks in self-awareness.

However, using more empirical measures of self-awareness, the study found that only 10-15 percent of the cohort was truly self-aware.

That’s a pretty big gap, and one that suggests most of us aren’t very self-aware. What’s worse, research also shows that managers and CEOs may be the least self-aware of all. This is not despite their authority, but quite possibly because of it.

Eurich wrote in the Harvard Business Review that the more power someone obtains, the more likely they are to be overconfident about how well they know themselves. After all, those at the top of the chain have fewer people giving them feedback.

Often, when managers do receive feedback from employees, it isn’t as honest as it might be because subordinates are afraid of incurring negative consequences. Managers are insulated from criticism, and as a result, self-awareness sinks.

Receiving honest, constructive feedback is key to becoming self-aware. Andrews notes that a 360-degree emotional intelligence assessment can be a very effective way to gain insight into your EI-components and the impact you have on others.

“Many people shrug off differences in how they rate themselves versus how others rate them on EI competencies by saying that they’re too hard on themselves or that others don’t really understand their intent,” says Andrews, “but really it shows a lack of self-awareness.”

What Are the Signs of Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills and behaviors that can be learned and developed. Here are some telltale signs of people with low EQ and those with high EQ.

People with low EQ:

Often feels misunderstood
Get upset easily
Become overwhelmed by emotions
Have problems being assertive

People with high EQ:

Understand the links between their emotions and how they behave
Remain calm and composed during stressful situations
Are able to influence others toward a common goal
Handle difficult people with tact and diplomacy

Three Steps Toward Improved Emotional Intelligence

Developing emotional intelligence is an ongoing process. The journey differs from person to person. Nonetheless, according to Andrews, the following actions may lead you to better self-awareness, empathy, and social skills.

1. Recognize your emotions and name them

What emotions are you feeling right now? Can you name them? When in a stressful situation, what emotions typically arise? How would you like to respond in these situations? Can you stop to pause and reconsider your response? Taking a moment to name your feelings and temper your reactivity is an integral step toward EI.

2. Ask for feedback

Audit your self-perception by asking managers, colleagues, friends, or family how they would rate your emotional intelligence. For example, ask them about how you respond to difficult situations, how adaptable or empathetic you are, and/or how well you handle conflict. It may not always be what you want to hear, but it will often be what you need to hear.

3. Read literature

Studies show that reading literature with complex characters can improve empathy. Reading stories from other people’s perspectives helps us gain insight into their thoughts, motivations, and actions and may help enhance your social awareness.

How to Establish a Culture of Emotional Intelligence

Building E.I. in yourself is one thing, but influencing others to adopt a more empathetic mindset can be a challenge. To create a culture of high EQ, managers and supervisors must model emotionally intelligent behavior.

“If you want to change how your organization does in EI, you can set norms for how people communicate and how they disagree,” says Andrews.

In addition, you need to recognize and celebrate those that exhibit emotional intelligence.;

“Start making heroes of people who help other people,” says Andrews. “It’s not just the person who got to the top of the mountain first – it’s all the people who helped them. If you want to encourage good team behavior, recognize it, and call it out for what it is.”

Find related Communication programs.

Browse all Professional Development Programs.

50 tips for improving your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence fuels your performance both in the workplace and in your personal life, but it starts with you. From your confidence, empathy and optimism to your social skills and self-control, understanding and managing your own emotions can accelerate success in all areas of your life.

No matter what professional field you are in, whether you manage a team of two or 20, or even just yourself, realising how effective you are at controlling your own emotional energy is a great starting point. Absent from the curriculum, emotional intelligence isn’t something we are taught or tested on, so where did it come from, what is it, do you have it and is it really that important?

Fortunately, it is something you can learn and we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of tips to help you explore your own level of emotional intelligence and gain important emotional intelligence skills that can be implemented into everyday life. Some of these tips we follow ourselves and others have been revealed to us by our amazing clients and partners who know how to motivate and inspire their teams but first and foremost, themselves.

Skip to a specific section?

1. Emotional Intelligence
2. Self-awareness
3. Self-management
4. Motivation
5. Empathy
6. Social skills
7. What to avoid

Emotional Intelligence

Put simply, Emotional Intelligence is how well individuals identify and manage their own emotions and react to the emotions of others. It’s understanding how those emotions shape your thoughts and actions so you can have greater control over your behaviour and develop the skills to manage yourself more effectively. Becoming more emotionally conscious allows us to grow and gain a deeper understanding of who we are, enabling us to communicate better with others and build stronger relationships.

We suggest starting with these initial 8 tips, they provide a good starting point to discovering the foundations of your emotional intelligence.

#1) Practice observing how you feel
Often we lead hectic, busy lifestyles and it’s all too easy for us to lose touch with our emotions. To reconnect, try setting a timer for various points during the day. When the timer goes off, take a few deep breaths and notice how you’re feeling emotionally. Pay attention to where that emotion is showing up as a physical feeling in your body and what the sensation feels like. The more you practice, the more it will become second nature.

#2) Pay attention to how you behave
While you’re practising your emotional awareness, take the time to notice your behaviour too. Observe how you act when you’re experiencing certain emotions, and how that affects your day-to-day life. Managing our emotions becomes easier once we become more conscious of how we react to them.

#3) Question your own opinions
In this hyper-connected world, it is easy to fall into an ‘opinion bubble’. This is a state of existence where your own opinions are constantly re-enforced by people with similar viewpoints. Take time to read the other side of the story and have your views challenged (even if you still feel they are right). This will help you understand other people and be more receptive to new ideas.

#4) Take responsibility for your feelings
Your emotions and behaviour come from you, they don’t come from anyone else and once you start accepting responsibility for how you feel and how you behave it will have a positive impact on all areas of your life.

#5) Take time to celebrate the positive
A key part emotional intelligence is celebrating and reflecting on the positive moments in life. People who experience positive emotions are generally more resilient and more likely to have fulfilling relationships, which will help them move past adversity.

#6) But don’t ignore the negative

Reflecting on negative feelings is just as important as reflecting on the positive. Understanding why you feel negative is key to becoming a fully-rounded individual, who is more able to deal with negative issues in the future.

#7) Don’t forget to breathe

Life throws various situations our way, with most of us experiencing some sort of stress on a regular basis. To manage your emotions when this happens and to avoid outbursts, don’t forget to breathe. Call a time out and go put some cold water on your face, go outside and get some fresh air or make a drink – anything to keep your cool and give yourself a chance to get a hold on what’s happening and how you should respond.

#8) A lifetime process
Understand and remember that emotional intelligence is something you develop and requires continual improvement; it’s very much a lifetime practice.

Self-awareness

A key component of emotional intelligence, self-awareness is the ability to recognise and understand your own character, moods and emotions and their effect on others. It includes a realistic self-assessment of what you’re capable of – your strengths and weaknesses – and knowing how others perceive you. It can help highlight areas for self-improvement, make you better at adapting and can limit wrongful decisions.

#9) Learn to look at yourself objectively
Knowing yourself completely is difficult and it’s almost impossible to look at yourself objectively, so input from those who know you is vital. Ask them where your strengths and weaknesses lie, write down what they say and compare it. Look out for any patterns and remember not to argue with them – it doesn’t mean they’re right – they’re just trying to help you gauge your perception from another’s point of view.

#10) Keep a diary
A great way to get an accurate gauge of yourself is to keep a diary. Start by writing down what happened to you at the end of every day, how it made you feel and how you dealt with it. Documenting details like these will make you more aware of what you’re doing and will highlight where problems might be coming from. Periodically, look back over your comments and take note of any trends.

#11) Understand what motivates you
Everyone has a core motivation when they begin a project. The difficulty is keeping this driving force in mind when adversity appears. All too often people start a project but fail to complete it because they lose their motivation to do so. Take time to understand what motivates you and use it to push you across the finish line.

#12) Take it easy

Sometimes emotional outbreaks occur because we don’t take the time out to slow down and process how we’re feeling. Give yourself a break and make a conscious effort to meditate, do yoga or read – a little escapism works wonders. And then the next time you have an emotional reaction to something, try to pause before you react.

#13) Acknowledge your emotional triggers

Self-aware individuals are able to recognise their emotions as they occur. It’s important to be flexible with your emotions and adapt them to your situation. Don’t deny your emotions stage time but don’t be rigid with them either, take the time to process your emotions before communicating them.

#14) Predict how you will feel
Think about a situation you’re going into and predict how you will feel. Practice naming and accepting the feelings – naming the feeling puts you in control. Try to choose an appropriate reaction to the feeling rather than just reacting to it.

#15) Trust your intuition
If you are still unsure about which path to take, trust your intuition. After all, your subconscious has been learning which path to take throughout your entire life.

Self-management

Once you’ve gotten to grips with self-awareness and how your emotions work, you can get a handle on self-management. Which means taking responsibility for your own behaviour and well-being as well as controlling emotional outbursts.

#16) Snap out of it
One key way to keep your emotions in check is to change your sensory input – motion dictates emotion as the old saying goes. So jolt your physical body out of routine by attending an exercise class or try channelling a busy mind with a puzzle or a book – anything to break your existing routine.

#17) Maintain a schedule (and stick to it!)
Ensuring that you create a schedule and stick to it is extremely important if you want to complete tasks effectively.

Paul Minors of Productivityist writes “When you schedule appointments in your calendar, you’re saying to yourself: “I’m going to do A, B and C by X date and it’s going to take Y hours. Once you make this promise, it becomes harder to procrastinate.”

#18) Eat well

This sounds like an easy one but regulating what you eat and drink can have a massive effect on your emotional state, so try your best to maintain a balanced diet.

#19) Don’t get mad

Funnel your emotional energy into something productive. It’s okay to keep overwhelming emotions inside, especially if it’s not an appropriate time to let them out. However, when you do, rather than vent it on something futile, turn it into motivation instead. Don’t get mad, get better.

#20) Be interested
A key factor in managing yourself and your emotions is consciously taken the time to be interested in the subject matter, whether it be business or personal.

#21) Don’t expect people to trust you (if you can’t trust them)

Establishing trust with a person can be difficult, and once it’s lost it’s very hard to regain. Try to be mindful that people are only human and will make mistakes. By offering your trust, you are inviting people to offer their trust in return.

#22) It’s your choice
You have the ability to choose how you react to a situation – you can either overreact or remain calm. But it’s your choice.

Motivation

A personal skills aspect of emotional intelligence, self-motivation refers to our inner drive to achieve and improve our commitment to our goals, our readiness to act on opportunities and our overall optimism.

#23) Personal goals
Personal goals can provide long-term direction and short-term motivation. So grab a pen and paper and have a think about where you want to be and set some targets for yourself. Base them on your strengths and make them relevant to you and ultimately, make them exciting and achievable. This task alone is enough to get you instantly motivated!

#24) Be realistic
When you’ve set a new goal, be sure to give yourself realistic and clear aims to achieving that goal and understand that change is an inevitable part of life. Achievement boosts confidence and as self-confidence rises so does the ability to achieve more, see how it works?

#25) Positive thinking
To keep motivated it’s important to maintain a positive and optimistic mindset. See problems and setbacks as learning opportunities instead of failings and try to avoid negative people and opt to surround yourself with positive, well-motivated people – they’ll have a great effect on you.

#26) Lifelong learning
Both knowledge and information are key for feeding your mind and keeping you curious and motivated. And with information so easily accessible, you have the opportunity to fuel your values and passions at the click of a button!

#27) Be prepared to leave your comfort zone
The biggest barrier to achieving your full potential is not challenging yourself frequently enough. Great things can happen to you if you’re willing to leave your comfort zone, so do so as often as you can.

#28) Help

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, and vice versa. If others need help, don’t hold back in giving it to them. Seeing other people succeed will only help to motivate yourself.

#29) Stand and stretch
For an instant short term boost to your motivation, take a stand and stretch out as far as you can for 10 seconds. When you return to your desk, you’ll be in the correct frame of mind and ready to work.

Empathy

Quite simply, empathy is the ability to understand other people’s emotions. Understanding that everyone has their own set of feelings, desires, triggers and fears. To be empathetic you’re allowing their experiences to resonate with your own in order to respond in an emotionally appropriate way. It’s a lifelong skill and the most important one for navigating relationships, and whilst it may not come naturally, there are a few ways it can be nurtured.

#30) Listen

Before you’re able to empathise with someone you first need to understand what it is they’re saying, which means listening is at the very epicentre of empathy. It involves letting them talk without interruption, preconceptions, scepticism and putting your own issues on pause to allow yourself to absorb their situation and consider how they are feeling before you react.

#31) Try to be approachable
Whether you’re the leader of a team or working on a project with others, try to remain accessible and approachable.

#32) Perspective
We’re all familiar with the phrase “put yourself in their shoes”, and this is exactly that. The simplest way of gaining a little perspective the next time an issue or situation arises is to switch places with the other person and really think about what’s happening from their point of view. Sometimes there’s no right or wrong but at least you’ll understand enough to come to a resolve or offer some useful advice.

#33) Open yourself up
One of the quickest ways to offer a sincere exchange or sign of empathy is to listen to someone’s experiences and connect to it with a similar experience of your own. Don’t be afraid to open yourself up, it might just be the start of a great and lasting friendship.

#34) Immerse yourself in a new culture
The old saying ‘travel broadens the mind’ is still true, even in this ever shrinking world. Sometimes the best way to open your mind is to jump on a plane and go somewhere completely different.

Highly empathetic people have an insatiable curiosity about strangers. When we talk to people outside of our usual social circle we learn about and begin to understand opinions, views and lives that are different to our own. So next time you’re sat on a bus you know just what to do…

#36) Acknowledge what people are saying
Another useful tip is, whilst listening to what a person has to say, use acknowledgement words such as ‘I understand’ and ‘I see’ to show a person you’re listening (but of course only say these things if you are actually listening!).

Social skills

In emotional intelligence terms, social skills refer to the skills needed to handle and influence other people’s emotions effectively. It covers a wide range of abilities, from communication and conflict management to dealing with change, meeting new people and building relationships and plays a part in almost every part of our lives, from work life to our romantic life. It’s complex and requires utilising almost every point we have already mentioned, but here are a few pointers for you.

#37) Get started
A good way to get started on improving your social skills is to isolate one skill you know you’d like to develop, this narrows it down and gives you focus. Internationally known psychologist, Daniel Goleman, suggests highlighting someone you know to be good at that particular skill, observing how they act and how they control their emotions and then implementing and applying that knowledge to yourself.

#38) Wear somebody else’s shoes
Not literally of course! Everyone has heard the phrase ‘walk a mile in somebody else’s shoes’, but how many people actually practice this advice? Give it a try, you never know.

#39) Practice makes perfect
The idea of practising your social skills might sound strange, but like everything in life, practice makes perfect.

#40) Social media cold turkey
We don’t mean to sound old, but taking your social life offline and engaging face-to-face with people will open up so many opportunities for you to gain and develop your social skills. So next time instead of instant messaging your best friend, meet up for a drink! Emotional intelligence doesn’t expand within the confines of (un) social media…

#41) Get networking
A good way to practise your social acumen is to attend local networking events. The great thing about these events is that everyone attending has a shared reason for attending.

#42) It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it

We’re talking about the importance of nonverbal communication and how that can affect a person’s opinion of you. Body language, tone of voice and eye contact is key to letting others know how you feel emotionally. So once you’ve got your emotions intact, think about how you’re physically coming across.

#43) The unknown
The ultimate method to building your social skills is to get out there and be sociable. It sounds simple, but you can’t strengthen your social skills without being social! Join a group or network outside of your usual circle; it’s the perfect way to put all of our tips into play.

What to avoid

Those with a high EQ very rarely display the following traits, something for you to be mindful of.

#44) Drama
Emotionally intelligent people listen, offer sound advice and extend empathy to those who need it but they don’t permit others’ lives and emotions to effect or rule their own.

#45) Complaining
Complaining implies two things – one, that we are victims, and two, that there are no solutions to our problems. Rarely does an emotionally intelligent person feel victimised, and even more infrequently do they feel that a solution is beyond their grasp. So instead of looking for someone or something to blame, they think constructively and dissolve the solution in private.

#46) Negativity
Emotionally intelligent people have the ability to kerb cynical thoughts. They acknowledge that negative thoughts are just that – thoughts – and rely on facts to come to conclusions as well as being able to silence or zone out any negativity.

#47) Dwelling on the past
Those with high emotional intelligence choose to learn from the mistakes and choices they have made and instead of dwelling on the past are mindful to live in the now.

#48) Selfishness
Whilst a degree of selfishness is required to get ahead in life, too much can fracture relationships and cause disharmony. Try to avoid being overly selfish and consider others needs.

#49) Giving in to peer pressure
Just because everyone else does something, they don’t feel compelled to follow suit if they don’t want to. They think independently, and never conform just to please other people.

#50) Being overly critical
Nothing destroys a person’s morale faster than being overly critical. Remember that people are only human and have the same motivations (and limitations) as you. Take the time to understand another person then communicate the change you want to see.

By understanding and successfully applying emotional intelligence, you too can reach your full potential and achieve your goals.

If you're interested in developing your Emotional Intelligence, explore our Emotional Intelligence Training solutions or assess your own EQ with our Emotional Capital Report.

5 Ways to Develop Emotional Intelligence

October 15, 2020Motivation

The author of The Subtle Art of Giving a Fuck explains what self-awareness is and how to learn to control your feelings.

Mark Manson

Writer, blogger, entrepreneur, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

Being an astronaut is probably the most difficult job in the world. From a huge number of candidates, NASA selects only the best. To go into space, you must have a huge qualification and deep knowledge in the field of science and technology. And also - to be an experienced pilot who has flown at least a thousand hours, and to be in impeccable physical shape. And most importantly, you must be smart.

Liza Novak met all these requirements. She had a master's degree in aeronautical engineering and studied astrophysics at the US Naval Academy. For more than five years, the woman flew air missions in the Pacific Ocean for the US Navy. And in 1996, she became one of the few lucky ones who were chosen to be part of the astronaut corps.

Obviously, Liza Novak was an extraordinary and also a very smart woman. But when in 2007 she found out that her boyfriend (Bill Ofelein, also an astronaut, by the way) had an affair with another ... Lisa got into a car and drove from her home in Houston to Orlando, one and a half thousand kilometers, to deal with her rival.

Lisa covered this path in 15 hours, and in order not to waste time on unnecessary stops, she put on a diaper. With her, Novak took a pepper spray, belts and garbage bags. She was going to kidnap the hated lovebird, but during the attack on the woman, Lisa was arrested by the police. What is emotional intelligence? It is believed that general intelligence (IQ) affects the ability to process information and make informed decisions, and emotional intelligence (EQ) is responsible for recognizing emotions and managing them - both your own and others.

Some people can have incredibly high IQs but low EQs.

An example is a talented scientist who can create a new Theory of Everything, but is not able to match socks to match clothes or wash in time. But the reverse situation also happens: the presence of a high EQ with a low level of general intelligence. For example, a street vendor who can't write without mistakes can easily convince you that you simply have to buy this completely unnecessary T-shirt.

Some psychologists, such as Daniel Goleman, argue that EQ is even more important than general intelligence. And fortunately, it can be pumped - just like increasing IQ.

How to Develop Emotional Intelligence

1. Practice Self-Awareness

You can't get better unless you understand exactly what your emotions are. If you lack self-awareness, trying to control them is like sailing a boat without sails. To raise your awareness, you need to concentrate on the following things.

Be aware of what you are doing. You can say: "What nonsense, I already know what I'm doing at this or that moment." But in fact, most of the time we don’t think at all what our time is spent on. It’s like we’re on autopilot, checking email, messaging, scrolling Instagram*, watching YouTube, checking email again, and so on. And we are also distracted by video games, TV with its stupid series, arguing with strangers on the Internet ...

Eliminating distractions from your life is the first step to becoming more self-aware.

To get started, try turning off your smartphone and chatting with others in the real world. Set aside a special time every day to get rid of everything superfluous. Try to do without music and podcasts in the morning - just reflect on your life and how you feel. Take 10 minutes and meditate. Remove social networks from your phone for a week. And you will be pleasantly surprised by how much you will change.

Be aware of how you feel. All distractions help you avoid a lot of unpleasant emotions. So when you let go of them and start accepting your emotions for what they are, real feelings can scare you at first. You may suddenly realize that behind the mask of normality, you are actually quite depressed or, for example, behaving too maliciously. And you will understand that addiction to gadgets is just a way to escape from disturbing feelings.

At this stage, it is important not to judge yourself for the emotions that arise. You will constantly feel like saying, “What the hell is happening to me!” But this will only make the situation worse. Whatever emotions you have, they have reasons, even if you don't remember how it all started. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Be aware of your weaknesses. Once you accept all the unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions that you experience, you will begin to understand your weaknesses.

For example, I get very offended when someone interrupts me in a conversation. I take it as a personal insult and become very rude because of it. This is my weakness. And, only by realizing it, I will be able to respond to it correctly.

However, just being conscious is not enough – you also need to be able to control your emotions.

2. Channel your emotions in the right direction

People who believe that emotions are the main thing in life often look for ways to control them. But you know what? It is impossible to control emotions. You can only react to them.

There are no "good" or "bad" emotions. There are only "good" and "bad" reactions to them. For example, anger can be a destructive emotion if you use it to hurt yourself or others. But it can also be useful if you use it to right an injustice or protect yourself or others.

Joy is a wonderful emotion when something good happens to you and you share it with your loved ones. But it can also be destructive if it comes from hurting someone.

Learn to recognize what you are feeling, decide if that emotion is appropriate for the situation, and act accordingly. This is what psychologists call "purposeful behavior."

3. Learn to motivate yourself

Most people try to find inspiration or motivation first so that they can take some important action that will change their life. They believe that as soon as they choose the right method, they will be enlightened and they will take up work, training or creativity. However, next week the fuse ends and everything returns to the starting point.

Therefore, another method should be used. When you need to motivate yourself, just start doing something.

Action is not so much a consequence of motivation as a cause.

No energy to start work? Sketch out a to-do list, make a plan, complete the smallest item - before you have time to look back, you will have done half of what was planned. No incentive to go to the gym? Buy a trial subscription for a month to "just watch" - and you yourself will not notice how you will be drawn in.

You don't have to wait until you're motivated. Do something first, and the desire to continue will come later. Be aware of how you feel before, during, and after the action, and use those emotions.

Be aware that "good" feelings will not always motivate you. You may become frustrated, annoyed, or anxious if you don't get results right away. Turn those emotions into a stimulus and just keep going. In the end, the sweetest victory is the one you achieve against all odds.

4. Acknowledge the emotions of others

The previous steps dealt exclusively with your own emotions. But the main goal in developing emotional intelligence is that it should contribute to building healthy relationships with others.

Any healthy relationship - romantic, family, friendship - begins with the recognition and respect for each other's emotional needs. This can be achieved only by listening to others and empathizing with them.

Sympathizing with someone does not necessarily mean fully understanding them. Learn to accept and appreciate loved ones for who they are, even if you do not understand them.

5. Fill your emotions with the right values

When Daniel Colman's Emotional Intelligence: Why It Matters More Than IQ came out in the late 90s, the concept of EQ became incredibly popular. Leaders and managers read smart books and went to trainings on its development in order to learn how to motivate their subordinates. Psychologists have tried to instill a high EQ in their patients to help them deal with problems. Parents were encouraged to develop emotional intelligence in their offspring from childhood to prepare them for adulthood.

However, many authors of books on EQ miss one important detail: emotional intelligence is meaningless without focusing on the right values.

Some tycoon may have a high emotional intelligence - it is necessary to manage the corporation and employees. But if at the same time the businessman exploits poor people or destroys the ecology of the planet, can one call his EQ virtue?

Parents are able to develop emotional intelligence in their children. But if they are not taught honesty and respect, they can turn into ruthless and deceitful little assholes - but emotionally intelligent!

Fraudsters have a well-developed EQ and understand well the behavior of others. But in the end, they use their abilities to manipulate people and enrich themselves at the expense of others.

Hitler had a very high EQ, was an excellent speaker and manager. And look what kind of firewood he broke, because he was guided by monstrous false values.

Therefore, in order to live a fulfilling life, you must first understand what is really important to you. Choose the right guidelines - honesty, mercy, respect for yourself and others - and direct your emotional energy to these values. After all, the ability to determine the right personal priorities is the most important trait of emotionally intelligent people.

Emotional intelligence: how to learn to understand your own and others' emotions

Emotional intelligence is twice as important as hard skills and IQ for career success. Together with Doctor of Psychology Viktoria Shimanskaya, we tell you where emotions come from, how to manage them and better understand other people

About the expert: Viktoriya Shimanskaya — Doctor of Psychology, lecturer at Moscow State Institute of International Relations, Moscow Institute of International Relations, expert in the development of emotional intelligence. Author of the book “Communication” for teenagers, co-founder of the SKILLFOLIO soft skills development project. Author of the first Russian patented method for developing emotional intelligence.

What is emotional intelligence and why is it important

Emotional Intelligence (Emotional Quotient) is the ability to recognize emotions, intentions, motivation, desires of oneself and other people and manage it. The skill helps to solve practical problems and achieve goals in life and at work. People with developed emotional intelligence are able to negotiate with other people, make decisions and respond correctly to negative situations.

Through emotions we react to events, words and circumstances. If they are not understood, what is happening will be distorted. For example, at work they made a remark to you, and you began to argue and conflict. As a result, this will lead to neurosis, apathy and other depressive states. At the same time, depression does not go away quickly: in 15–39% of people, it lasts more than a year.

A person with developed emotional intelligence reacts to causes, not actions or emotions. This helps him to perceive criticism correctly, understand other people and respond to them with an adequate reaction.

What is emotional intelligence and how it will help your career

The concept of emotional intelligence became popular after the publication of the 1995 book of the same name by science journalist Daniel Goleman. According to Goleman's research, people with developed emotional intelligence have better mental health, work efficiency, and leadership skills. At the same time, 67% of leadership abilities fall on emotional intelligence. It is more important than technical knowledge and IQ twice.

A study by Egon Zehnder confirms this. They analyzed 515 senior executives and found that people with developed emotional intelligence are more likely to succeed. The Carnegie Institute of Technology reported that 85% of our financial success comes from emotional intelligence, leadership, and communication skills. Only 15% depend on technical knowledge. Soft human skills, closely related to emotional intelligence, are the most important skills in the present and the future. 9

How emotional intelligence works It clearly shows the coefficients that form the intellectual-emotional profile of a person - IEPP.

Emotional intelligence does not exist separately from the intellect, it is not its opposite. Emotional intelligence EQ and mental intelligence IQ cannot be separated from each other. Moreover, if EQ is not developed, a person will not have a high IQ.

To develop emotional intelligence, you need to focus on four drivers: awareness, self-esteem, motivation and adaptability. The development of each of the drivers forms the development of the corresponding emotional-intellectual strategy.

Awareness. Includes awareness of one's thoughts, feelings and behavior. Develops the strategy of "Philosophers". Philosophers learn quickly and accumulate knowledge, but it is difficult for them to move from theory to practice and translate knowledge into real skills.
Self assessment. Includes acceptance, the ability not to depend on external assessments and opinions, a positive perception of the world and determination. Helps to master the strategy of the "Stars". Such people are self-confident, but tend to talk to impress. Stars run the risk of remaining at the level of "impressions" if they do not pump up the drivers of awareness and motivation.
Motivation. Includes openness to new things, goal-setting, experiencing failures, striving for self-actualization. Helps to master the strategy of "Heroes". Heroes enjoy self-development and achievements, so they constantly improve and can lead people. Heroes run the risk of quickly burning out if they do not understand the reasons for their work.
Adaptability. Includes empathy, stress tolerance, decision making and communication skills. Develops the strategy of "Leaders". Such people are stress-resistant, empathic and hardworking, but prone to impostor syndrome. This is a cognitive distortion when a person considers himself a deceiver and does not attribute achievements to his qualities and skills.

Emotional intelligence is a kind of base of the personality pyramid. The larger the volume of this pyramid, the more opportunities and influence a person can have on his life, the lives of other people and the world as a whole.

All four profiles are equally promising. To build an effective life strategy, you need to understand your strong drivers and pay attention to the weak ones. In conjunction with the IQ intelligence vector, emotional intelligence forms the life strategy of the "Creators". It helps to realize the potential of a person and achieve the highest level of self-realization.

How to develop emotional intelligence

Honesty and the correct assessment of one's behavior are the key factors for the development of EQ, says Victoria Shimanskaya, Doctor of Psychology and expert in the development of emotional intelligence.

Honesty. To test your honesty, do a simple exercise - write down on paper three personality traits that you do not like about yourself. For example, "I wake up late", "I'm lazy", and "I get easily irritated". According to the first principle of the concept of emotional intelligence, there is a positive intention in every action we take. Think about why you wake up late and what is the positive intention behind this action. For example, because you get very tired at work and worry about a new project.

Psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman tries to figure out why we don't show compassion more often and how it will change our lives

Behavior assessment. It is difficult to answer the question why we behave this way in a particular situation. But an honest answer gives a reaction on three levels: meaning, body and emotions - this is the second paradigm in the concept of emotional intelligence. If you change the reaction at one of these levels, the rest will change. For example, you are doing a good job, but you realized that customers do not return again because you do not know how to communicate with them. Because of this, you are annoyed, but the awareness of this thing will give a state of insight at the level of meaning. At the level of the body, there will be relaxation and a feeling, "as if a mountain has fallen from the shoulders. " At the level of emotions, it will become easier. You have found the true cause of anger and irritation, although it is difficult to admit.

Emotional Intelligence Development Tools

There are four components to developing emotional intelligence. Self-awareness and self-control help you work with yourself, while social competence and relationship management help you build strong relationships with others.

Awareness

The development of emotional intelligence should begin with the awareness of what is happening to you. You need to learn to separate yourself and emotions, to present them as a separate phenomenon and look at it from the side. Emotions are your reaction to what is happening around you. They change with changes in external circumstances, so remember: you ≠ your emotions. The ability to separate emotion from yourself will help you assess the situation, make a decision and respond correctly.

For example, on the edge of a cliff, you realize that you are afraid and move away. In this case, fear will save your life. But in negotiations with an important client, he will interfere with collecting thoughts and focusing on the result. Realizing this, you need to push the fear aside and move on.

Mark Williams and Danny Penman define emotions in their book Mindfulness: “They are clusters of thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and impulses. All the elements interact with each other and can enhance or dampen the overall mood.”

Any emotion can be accepted or rejected. At the same time, emotions cannot be suppressed. This will lead to neurosis and dissatisfaction with life.

Practice: draw a scale from 0 to 10 on paper. Mark the level of fear on it, for example, 7 bars. Now increase the level to 9, and then decrease to 5. Try to understand your feelings and experience the emotion. Reduce your fear by another 2 or 3 bars, and get down to business that you were afraid of. This is the essence of emotion management.

Self control

If you are aware and able to separate emotion from yourself, you will be able to control and express it correctly. This skill is especially important for leaders. To control an emotion, it must be expressed and spoken out loud.

Practice: learn to speak the language of emotions. Use a three-part phrase:

I feel…
Because…
I would like...

For example, I am frustrated and angry because I didn't have time to prepare a presentation for a new client. I would like us to do it together, because the client is important for the company. Formulate several negative and positive emotions according to this formula.

Methods of non-violent communication will help to learn how to express feelings. Practice, over time it will become a habit. You will change your speech and reaction to many events.

Social competence

Social competence helps to see the essence and cause of what is happening and not get involved in emotional battles. Make smarter and more informed decisions. To do this, you need to learn to understand what is behind the behavior of another person. This way you will prevent 90% of conflicts.

One's own or another person's reaction can be decomposed into meaning, action and intention. This will help to correctly interpret emotions and respond to them

When communicating with people, do not react to actions and words, but to the intentions and reasons that lie behind them. Any reaction and behavior can be decomposed into three components:

Intention is the meaning, the true reason. A person may or may not be aware of his intention, but it will always be positive. For example, the manager yelled at you because he was worried about the results of the project.
Action is how a person realizes the cause. It can be positive and constructive or negative and destructive. For example, you will insult a man in response to unacceptable behavior or explain your attitude and offer to behave differently.
The meaning of is what meaning you give to the action. It is either positive or negative. For example, you asked a colleague a question, but he did not answer. Positive meaning - the colleague did not hear the question, negative - he does not respect you.

Practice: remember a few conflict situations and try to expand them according to this formula. Find positive intentions in your meanings and actions.

Relationship Management

The Emotion Quadrant will help you determine your emotional state, use it or change it. This is a coordinate system from 0 to 10 on each axis. Below are the level of mood and pleasure - gray and green squares. Above are the level of energy and physical well-being - orange and yellow squares.

The Emotion Quadrant helps you determine which emotional state you or your co-workers are in to direct energy and mood for good

The Emotion Quadrant helps you determine which emotional state you or your co-workers are in to direct energy and mood to benefit

How it works. For example, you didn’t make a presentation for a new client and you are worried because of this. Rate the level of mood at 3 points. At the same time, you still have a lot of strength, so the energy level will be 7 points. So you get into the red square "I'm worried." In this state, it is better to do active work that does not require an emotional mood: tidy up the house, take out the trash, cook food.

In the green square you are in a good mood, but have little energy. In this case, learn new things: immerse yourself in a project or task, collect information. Do things that don't require physical activity.

In the yellow square, mood and energy are at their maximum. This is a good opportunity for brainstorming. Come up with new ideas and projects, mix formats and look for other solutions to common problems.

There is little energy and no mood in the blue square. Here you should look for errors and shortcomings. Figure out how you can improve your daily routine and see what else you can work on.

The Emotion Quadrant will help you channel your free resources to the right things. You will be able to correctly prioritize and give clear orders to employees.

How to determine the level of development of emotional intelligence?

The author of the book "Emotional Intelligence in Practice" Justin Bariso identifies 13 criteria for a developed EQ:

Become aware of your feelings and emotions.
Pause before speaking or acting.
Strive to control your thoughts and reactions to emotions.
Use criticism as an opportunity to improve something.
Stick to your values and principles.
Know how to sympathize.
Praise and inspire others.
Provide useful feedback.
Apologize and acknowledge mistakes.
Forgive and forget.
Fulfill your obligations.
Help others.
Protect yourself from emotional sabotage.

Victoria Shimanskaya adds one universal but subjective criterion - the degree of satisfaction with one's own life. Feeling is more important in EQ than skill development. If you can't ask for a raise for several years or get terribly angry when you clean your apartment, take a closer look at working with your emotions.

The hardest thing about developing emotional intelligence is getting started. It is not clear at what point there is an experience that allows you to further develop your EQ skills. Begin to carefully listen to yourself and catch the emotion: name, realize, reflect, listen to your feelings. Without this exercise, no books will get you closer to feeling happy, overcoming fears, curbing anger, and other tasks that we want to solve with the help of emotion management.

Emotional intelligence lives at the intersection of meanings and the body. Only by linking knowledge with physical sensations, you can turn it on and adjust your emotional apparatus. This means that our path is to work out the connection between the body and consciousness. To do - to fix, to feel - to comprehend.

To develop emotional intelligence

Learn to be aware of your emotions and name them. Say out loud what you feel.
Accept emotions and try to live them without prejudice to yourself and others.
Learn to separate emotions from yourself.
Learn more