How to end an abusive relationship for good
How to Leave an Abusive Relationship and Not Go Back
No matter how many times you’ve gone back, you can safely move forward and permanently leave an abusive relationship.
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Intimate partner abuse is an extremely common health crisis that impacts people of all genders, races, and ages.
Studies suggest that 10 million people in the United States are affected by family and domestic health violence every year.
If you’ve recently been in an abusive relationship, trust that you’re not alone and it’s never your fault. You can break the cycle of abuse and leave your partner for good, but it requires extensive safety planning, support, and care.
“It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if a partner will become abusive, as possessive and controlling behaviors may emerge and intensify as a relationship grows,” says Laura’s House clinical director Theresa Black, MA, MFT, ATR.
But there are certain red flags and types of abuse to look out for. Your partner may be abusive if they:
- isolate you from friends and family
- constantly want to know where you are and what you’re doing
- assume control over your finances, plans, etc. without discussion
- rarely take responsibility or admit fault
- manipulate or gaslight you
- exhibit intense feelings and behavior, like obsession and possessiveness
- engage in physical, emotional, or sexual violence
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it takes an average of seven attempts for a person to finally leave an abusive partner.
“Many times, leaving an abusive relationship is not only emotionally difficult but can also be life threatening,” says One Love’s CEO, Katie Hood.
An older 2000 report by the U.S. Department of Justice indicates that threat of separation (or actual separation) can be linked with an increased risk of violence for the survivor.
Some common reasons for staying in an abusive relationship include the following:
- You feel a sense of bonding with your partner through trauma.
- Your partner won’t let you leave (e.g. they’re controlling or threatening).
- You have safety concerns.
- You have nowhere to go.
- You lack finances or independence (e.g. shared bank accounts or no job).
- You lack knowledge around how to leave.
- You lack support.
- You have feelings of fear, shame, or embarrassment.
- You want to keep your family together for the sake of your children.
- You worry about how your partner may feel or react.
If you’re unsure of how to leave an abusive relationship or worried that you may go back, here are some tips that could help.
Create a safety plan
Establishing safety is important. A safety plan can help you outline actionable steps to reduce risk of harm or danger during the breakup process. A safety plan may include:
- a person to contact for help or shelter
- important items to bring when leaving
- steps to protect children and pets
- steps to increase safety at work, school, church, and stores
- steps to navigate different potential scenarios with the partner
Hood notes that certain factors can make some abusive relationships more dangerous than others. “Every relationship and every situation is unique, as is every breakup, so it’s important to create a plan to end the relationship safely.”
If you need help getting out of an abusive relationship, Black recommends reaching out to your local domestic violence hotline and making a safety plan with an advocate.
“You have options, and there are several steps you can take to protect yourself (or a loved one) on your path to long-term safety,” she adds.
Build a safety network
“To avoid going back to an abusive relationship, surround yourself with a support network of friends and loved ones who are in the loop on why you left,” says Hood.
She also suggests reconnecting with loved ones, friends, and people in your community, especially if you’ve been isolated from them during your relationship.
Remember why you left
“It’s perfectly normal to miss an abusive partner, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right to be with them,” says Hood. “Rather, it means that there was some good in the relationship, but the bad outweighs the good because everyone deserves a healthy, safe, empowering and joyful relationship.”
She recommends writing yourself a note about why you chose to leave the relationship and why you feel it’s important to not go back. Whenever you start to miss them, look back at it as a friendly reminder of why the relationship is unhealthy and reconnection isn’t the best (or safest) idea.
Put yourself first
It’s common to think about how your partner might feel if/when you leave, especially if they’re emotionally abusive. But your feelings matter, too, and it’s important to prioritize your own well-being.
“Remember that leaving an unhealthy relationship is not ‘quitting.’ Rather, it’s a positive decision of choosing a healthier life,” adds Hood. “Bravo for making a hard, but right, choice for yourself.”
“It’s important you focus on your own growth and processing,” says Black, who recommends practicing self-care during this time. “Give yourself kindness and time to heal.”
Trust your gut
Hood reminds you to always trust your gut, because “if something feels off about your relationship or dating situation, it probably is.”
After all, you know your situation better than anyone else. Listen to your intuition and trust your own judgment on the safest time to leave. “You have the strength to leave, but only when you’re ready,” adds Black.
Work toward becoming independent
Research is limited, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) suggests that increased financial and housing security can reduce risk of intimate partner violence.
Especially if you used to rely on your partner for shelter and finances, finding a safe space to live and a job can jumpstart your path to independence. “Establish financial independence, including your own source of income, savings, and credit,” says Hood.
This may improve your chances of staying away from your partner.
Several resources are available to support you when leaving an abusive relationship.
“Reach out to your local domestic violence hotline, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or [call] 211 to get connected to more information about domestic violence as well as gaining assistance in creating a safety plan,” says Black.
She also recommends asking hotline advocates about:
- case management
- legal advocacy
- other helpful resources
“Case management services can provide you with resources to help you gain independence, such as housing, employment, financial literacy, etc. ,” Black adds.
Support groups and organizations
Getting involved in support groups, joining organizations, and connecting with other survivors can offer you comfort and support during this time.
“Many people who find and become involved in One Love because of an unhealthy or abusive relationship report a sense of relief in seeing their situations depicted in our content, strength in educating others, or support in joining our community of volunteers, student leaders, educators, advocates, and staff,” says Hood.
Laura’s House also provides shelter, support services, and non-residential direct services to people affected by abuse in the Southern California area. You can visit www.laurashouse.org or call 866-498-1511 to learn more.
“Legal advocates can also provide education and support in terms of restraining orders and possibly provide legal referrals,” adds Black.
Keep in mind that couples counseling doesn’t work in abusive relationships. But individual therapy can help you strengthen your relationships, set boundaries, and better understand the dynamics of domestic violence, says Black.
A mental health professional can also teach you coping strategies and tips for building healthier relationships.
“It’s important to educate yourself about the common patterns of abuse and the types of abusive behaviors you may have experienced in order to break the cycle of violence,” she says. “Knowledge is power.”
It’s possible for you to leave an abusive relationship for good. Every situation requires different planning, but creating a safety plan, establishing a support network, prioritizing self-care, and becoming independent can help.
“No one ever deserves to experience abuse, and there are many resources available that can help you heal,” reminds Black. Joining support groups, getting involved in organizations, leaning on your loved ones, and starting therapy are great places to start.
“You’re never alone, and your relationship is not a reflection of who you are, your strength, or your worth,” adds Hood.
Remember that you’re worthy and deserving of a love that feels good. You can build happier, healthier relationships if and when you’re ready. In the meantime, focus on your safety and well-being.
How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
Getting out of an abusive relationship isn't easy, but you deserve to live free of fear. Here’s how to find help for abused and battered women.
If you're in an abusive relationship
Why doesn't she just leave? It's the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is suffering battery and abuse. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it's not that simple. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It's even harder when you've been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.
If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping that your situation will change or you’re afraid of how your partner will react if he discovers that you’re trying to leave. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.
If you are being abused, remember:
- You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
- You are not the cause of your partner's abusive behavior.
- You deserve to be treated with respect.
- You deserve a safe and happy life.
- Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
- You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.
There are many resources available for abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters—even job training, legal services, and childcare. Start by reaching out today.
If you need immediate assistance, call your country's emergency services number (911 in the U.S.)
For domestic violence helplines and shelters, click here.
If you're a man in an abusive relationship, read Help for Men Who are Being Abused.
Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship
As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:
If you're hoping your abusive partner will change… The abuse will probably keep happening. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn't quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.
If you believe you can help your abuser… It's only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you're the only one who understands him or that it's your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you're reinforcing and enabling the behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you're perpetuating the problem.
If your partner has promised to stop the abuse… When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. Most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once you've forgiven them and they're no longer worried that you'll leave.
If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers… Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he'll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that's a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.
If you're worried about what will happen if you leave… You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you'll go, or how you'll support yourself or your children. But don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.
Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:
- He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
- He continues to blame others for his behavior.
- He claims that you're the one who is abusive.
- He pressures you to go to couple's counseling.
- He tells you that you owe him another chance.
- You have to push him to stay in treatment.
- He says that he can't change unless you stay with him and support him.
- He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
- He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
- He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.
Safety planning for abused women
Whether or not you're ready to leave your abuser, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. These safety tips may might the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.
Know your abuser's red flags. Stay alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you're in danger and they should call the police.
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Make an escape plan
Be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver's door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get to it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend's house, for example).
Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, make sure they practice the escape plan also.
Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.
If you stay
If you decide at this time to stay with your abusive partner, here are some coping mechanisms to improve your situation and to protect yourself and your children.
- Contact a domestic violence or sexual assault program in your area. They can provide emotional support, peer counseling, safe emergency housing, information, and other services whether you decide to stay or leave the relationship.
- Build as strong a support system as your partner will allow. Whenever possible, get involved with people and activities outside your home and encourage your children to do so.
- Be kind to yourself! Develop a positive way of looking at and talking to yourself. Use affirmations to counter the negative comments you get from the abuser. Carve out time for activities you enjoy.
Source: Breaking the Silence Handbook
Protecting your privacy
Abusers often monitor their partner's activities, including their phone, computer, and Internet use. You may be afraid to leave or ask for help out of fear that your partner will retaliate if he finds out. However, there are precautions you can take to stay safe and keep your abuser from discovering what you're planning.
When seeking help for domestic violence and abuse, it's important to cover your tracks, especially when you're using the home phone, a smartphone, or a computer.
Call from a friend's or neighbor's phone when seeking help for domestic violence, or use a public pay phone or a “burner phone.”
Check your smartphone settings. There are smartphone apps your abuser can use to listen in on your calls, read your text messages, monitor your Internet usage, or track your location. Consider turning it off when not in use or leaving it behind when fleeing your abuser.
Get a second cell phone. To keep your communication and movements private, consider purchasing a prepaid cell phone (“burner” phone) or another smartphone that your abuser doesn't know about. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cell phones to battered women. Call your local hotline to find out more.
Call collect or use your second cell phone. Remember that if you use your own home phone, the phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to your home. Even if you've already left by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the phone numbers you've called for help.
Use a safe computer. If you seek help online, you are safest if you use a computer outside of your home. While there are ways to delete your Internet history on a computer, tablet, or smartphone that your abuser has access to, this can be a red flag that you're trying to hide something. Besides, unless you're very technical, it can be almost impossible to clear all evidence of the websites that you've visited. Use a computer at work, the library, your local community center, a domestic violence shelter or agency, or borrow a smartphone from a friend.
Change your user names and passwords. In case your abuser knows how to access your accounts, create new usernames and passwords for your email, IM, online banking, and other sensitive accounts. Even if you don't think your abuser has your passwords, he may have guessed or used a spyware or keylogging program to get them. Choose passwords that your abuser can't guess (avoid birthdays, nicknames, and other personal information).
Protecting yourself from surveillance and recording devices
Your abuser doesn't need to be tech savvy in order to use surveillance technology to monitor your movements and listen in on your conversations. Your abuser could be using:
Hidden cameras, such as a “Nanny Cam,” covert security cameras, or even a baby monitor to check in on you.
Smartphone apps that can enable your abuser to monitor your phone usage or track your movements.
Global Positioning System (GPS) devices hidden in your car, purse, on your phone, or other objects you carry with you. Your abuser can also use your car's GPS system to see where you've been.
If you discover any tracking or recording devices or apps, leave them be until you're ready to leave. While it may be tempting to remove them or shut them off, this will alert your abuser that you're on to him.
Domestic violence shelters
A domestic violence shelter or women's shelter is a building or set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you.
Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life. The shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused and battered women in your community, including:
- Legal help
- Support groups
- Services for your children
- Employment programs
- Health-related services
- Educational opportunities
- Financial assistance
If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women's refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you, particularly if you live in a small town.
Protecting yourself after you've left
Keeping yourself safe from your abuser is just as important after you've left as before. To protect yourself, you may need to relocate so your former partner can't find you. If you have children, they may need to switch schools.
To keep your new location a secret:
- Get a prepaid mobile (“burner”) phone or an unlisted landline.
- Use a post office box rather than your home address.
- In the U.S., apply to your state's address confidentiality program, a service that confidentially forwards your mail to your home.
- Cancel your old bank accounts and credit cards, especially if you shared them with your abuser. When you open new accounts, be sure to use a different bank.
If you're remaining in the same area, change up your routine. Take a new route to work, avoid places where your abuser might think to locate you, change any appointments he knows about, and find new places to shop and run errands. You should also keep a cell phone on you at all times and be ready to call your country's emergency services number (911 in the U.S.) if you spot your former abuser.
Consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order. Your stalker or abuser may ignore it and the police may do nothing to enforce it.
If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if he will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.
Taking steps to heal and move on
The scars of domestic violence and abuse run deep. The trauma of what you've been through can stay with you long after you've escaped the abusive situation. You may struggle with upsetting emotions, frightening memories, or a sense of constant danger that you just can't kick. Or you may feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. But counseling, therapy, and support groups for domestic abuse survivors can help you process what you've been through and learn how to build new and healthy relationships.
Building healthy new relationships
After getting out of an abusive situation, you may be eager to jump into a new relationship and finally get the intimacy and support you've been missing. But it's wise to go slow. Take the time to get to know yourself and to understand how you got into your previous abusive relationship. Without taking the time to heal and learn from the experience, you're at risk of falling back into abuse.
Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A. and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.
Domestic Violence: Finding Safety & Support (PDF) – Guide for abused and battered women. (New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)
Safety when Preparing to Leave an Abuser – Guidelines for how to safely leave an abusive relationship. (Women's Law Initiative)
Internet Security – Gives detailed instructions on how to clear your computer's Internet browser and email account from evidence of your efforts to find help for domestic abuse. (Women's Law Initiative)
Hotlines and support
Call 911 or your country's emergency service number if you need immediate assistance or have already been hurt.
In the U.S.: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or search Womenslaw.org's state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters and advocates.
UK: call Women's Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Last updated: December 5, 2022
How to properly end a relationship that has ceased to bring joy
January 10, 2017 Relationship
A happy ending is an obligatory attribute of children's fairy tales, but in life everything is much more prosaic. We often find ourselves hostage to our love stories. And you just have to learn how to end complex and difficult relationships on time with minimal losses for both partners.
In an episode of the cult relationship series Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw is suddenly dumped by one of her many men. No explanation, just a yellow apology sticker. Even if you have not watched this series and this is the first time you hear about Carrie, this story has an important message: leaving without explanation is bad (Brodsky's or Akhmatova's poems on the sticker still do not count). nine0003
Yes, sometimes it is necessary to end a relationship, and for both parties. This will not only help the one who decided to leave, but also give the second person a chance to free themselves from one-sided attachment in time and meet their true love.
Recognizing a problem is the first step to solving it.
Don't think that you are unique and the first to encounter a similar problem. From time to time, many of us find ourselves hostage to our own relationships. Ties begin to press like a heavy stone, do not allow you to breathe deeply. Sometimes you really want to get rid of this oppression in order to stop breaking the wings of yourself and your partner and finally start living alone. nine0003
And yes, there is nothing wrong with the fact that the startup of your love did not take off. Find the strength in yourself to recognize this in order to move on. In love, as in business, there are failures.
Of course, there are some signals that the Rubicon has been crossed and it is time to end the love story. Analyze your relationship, deal with yourself and your desires. And make a decision.
The longer we turn to memories and think about the past (that is, we think about what no longer exists and will not happen), the further we ourselves push back the real prospects for a happy future. Besides, if everything was really smooth and perfect in your relationship, you would hardly be reading this article now, right? nine0003
Don't delay: better now than later
The ideal moment for a break will not come, don't flatter yourself with hopes. There is no right time for anything in life. If things are really bad, the rule works: "The sooner the better. "
Give your partner the opportunity to meet a person who will truly love him.
Let's be honest: don't pull too hard. At stake are the chances of not becoming that “goat who sailed for years, but never married.” So don't let me down. nine0003
How not to do it
Real life story. I have a very smart and very beautiful girlfriend who for several years met with an equally smart and handsome guy. The guys could easily act in any American film about couples in love, where all the characters and, of course, their relationship is ideal.
One day this guy was going to his friend's house for a bachelor party. It wasn't a surprise and no one was against a weekend with friends.
The young man kissed his girlfriend before leaving and promised to miss him very much, and already from the taxi to the airport wrote to her to look in the closet for “something”. Nothing foreshadowed trouble, and the girl happily suggested that she had been given a nice surprise. nine0003
It really wasn't without a surprise. A discreet letter was waiting in the closet, in which the guy calmly announced that he had fallen out of love and it was over. He told the now ex-girlfriend to take out all the things before he returned. Well, yes, he already asked a friend to feed the cat.
This is a very cruel scenario for breaking up a relationship. You can't do that.
How best to talk about the decision to break up
It would seem that in a world where gadgets and social networks rule the ball, there are many good creative ways to end a relationship. Send an SMS with a sad emoticon or a sticker with a deep meaning in Telegram, change your Facebook* status from "In a relationship" to "Single", write an email with the subject "I'm leaving", after all! New realities and modern technologies really offer a wide range of contexts for human communication. But it's not that simple. nine0003
Researchers of modern communications believe that people choose different types of communication (telephone, e-mail, Skype, and so on) depending on what emotions they want to convey at a particular moment.
Maybe there is some way to use technology to break up painlessly?
Can I limit myself to SMS?
No. No messenger can replace a live heart-to-heart conversation. Do not forget that emoticons and stickers in messages hide real people with real emotions, and the process of parting with you can be much more difficult for them than for you. nine0003
Respect the person you loved. Treat your partner with sympathy, if only out of a sense of gratitude for everything experienced together.
Remember: the more seriously a person took these relationships and the more he invested in them, the more difficult and painful it will be for him that everything is over, the more difficult it will be for him to recover.
Have the courage to look your partner in the eye and voice what is going on between you. Give thanks for everything that was.
Maybe not all is lost? After all, sometimes over the years of a relationship, feelings become a little dull and we sometimes forget how much we love someone.
In principle, there are two scenarios:
- You discuss problems and start doing something together to kindle an extinct fire.
- You act decisively and part ways.
Never humiliate anyone
Never go too far and do not insult. If at parting you say a bunch of nasty things to your girlfriend or young man, you will give rise to a bunch of complexes in her or him. And your life won't get any better. (By the way, if you do this, most likely you have complexes.)
Put all the blame on yourself. Like, honey, you are very good and generally beautiful, I’m just a complicated guy with my cockroaches and I will always be like that. Or say something about Prince Charming and your complex relationship with your own inner world.
Of course, we remember that in a problematic relationship, both partners are always to blame. But if you decide to leave when it's not expected at all, it's better to say that it's about you. So it will be easier for the partner to recover from parting, but do you remember that we are responsible for those we have tamed? nine0003
When leaving, leave
If you decide to leave, then do it irrevocably, once and for all. Don't give too much hope if you're just bored.
You don't have to write to your ex-girlfriend out of nowhere if it suddenly seems to you that beautiful snow has fallen outside the window. You don’t need to send a photo of yourself in a swimsuit to an abandoned guy, because they suddenly remembered how they went to the sea together.
Leave him or her alone and give him a chance to live his life.
Constantly appearing in the life of a former partner, but at the same time not wanting to be with him, is extremely selfish and not very nice of you. Love can also be an addiction. Have you ever seen alcoholics advised to drink red wine once a week, or drug addicts to take small doses of coke? nine0003
Today, contactless payments are gaining popularity. So, friends, not only payments should be contactless. The first time after your breakup should be just that. Studies confirm that people who do not come into contact with former lovers recover faster after a breakup. Are you a good person and do not want to harm?
Will everything be all right?
Mandatory. All the characters in the play
Just please don't try to be friends with someone you're leaving. At first, for sure. Remember: psychologists are convinced that intergender friendships without a love story are much better than those relationships that can be built with an ex-partner. nine0003
Feel free to look for new friends and girlfriends to share news with them and send each other selfies, and leave your understanding, but already former soulmate alone.
*Activities of Meta Platforms Inc. and its social networks Facebook and Instagram are prohibited in the territory of the Russian Federation.
Why do we continue relationships that should have ended long ago?
Do you feel that the relationship has exhausted itself, but do not find the strength to say "Let's break up"? Is it hard for you to continue, but at the same time, is it scary to finish? There are several reasons why we stay in relationships we don't want. Sometimes it is enough just to recognize them - and then the strength will appear to put an end to it. nine0003
Emotional addiction is a condition that is extremely difficult to overcome, because its roots go deep into childhood. You are probably familiar with the most terrible paradox of childhood: the worse the parents treat the child, the stronger he is attached to them, the stronger his dependence. Why is that? Because the child gradually learns the behavior of the parents, their reactions, their ways of communication and behavior. And this means that a child who grows up in a prosperous family gradually develops a resource that allows him to love himself. Because he knows what it is to love. He can feel sorry for himself, he can console himself, and one day there comes a moment when he becomes independent. nine0003
And a child who has been mistreated remains addicted forever. The adult that this child has become really has no choice: he will definitely enter a relationship where he will be mistreated again. Because it is such an appeal that is the standard of love for him. The problem is that emotional dependence is not necessarily provoked by extremes. Difficult relationships are not always cruelty. In addition, our memory tends to displace everything bad. Therefore, if you can’t break off a relationship that doesn’t suit you in any way, perhaps you should talk about it with a specialist and look for reasons in childhood. nine0003
Perfectionism and “A student syndrome” are conditions that make life very difficult for many women. From the outside it seems that love has nothing to do with it, but in fact it is not. Hyper-responsibility is the main scourge of perfectionists and excellent students. And everything falls under the responsibility, including the partner. This is a story about “how can I leave him, he will disappear without me!”. Hyper-responsibility makes us “adopt” a man: we take on too much, because it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain how to do it right (and we can’t look at what was done wrong, yeah, it’s like a nail on glass). As a result, the partner's sphere of responsibility shrinks to microscopic dimensions, and we look at him as a sweet, but completely helpless creature. How can you leave this? nine0003
Emotional immaturity has nothing to do with age, but is directly related to life experience. We all know that early marriages fail most of the time. But we do not know what it costs both spouses. In fact, it is worth a lot: young partners stay in relationships that have exhausted themselves for quite a long time, precisely because you need to “ripen” for parting. You have to decide to be alone. This is the same "jump into cold water" that everyone needs to do. It’s just that some “jump” out of their father’s house into free flight, while others into a serious relationship. And this means that emotional maturation is delayed: there is no way to take responsibility for oneself into one's own hands, this responsibility is divided into two. That is why it is very difficult to leave a serious relationship that began early enough. You need to "ripen". nine0003
People with low self-esteem have a hard time breaking up unpromising relationships, because they are sure that such relationships will not happen later. Never! Who needs them, so orphaned and miserable? You have to hold on to a partner who has stooped to such insignificance. Thank you, good man! It doesn't just sound terrible, it's really terrible. But the point is that self-esteem can and should be worked on. Adequate self-esteem is a necessary condition for harmonious relationships. If it is too high, too low, or too unstable, nothing will come of it: the painful relationship will continue. It is important to understand that this is corrected at any age. No, now it is not too late to work with a specialist and finally stop considering yourself a nonentity. nine0003
It may seem to you that stereotypes do not affect your personal life in any way, but in fact they do not. It is impossible to live in a society and not respond to the signals that this society sends you. In the event of a break in relations, alas, you are more likely to receive condemnation than support. “Come on, sort out the peasants, you will remain an old maid”, “Strong and independent, or what? You will meet old age with cats!”, “Fool, you won’t find better!”, “It’s time for you to get married.” And if you have a child, then: “Yes, who will need you, a divorcee with a trailer ?!” Your relatives and friends may support you, but that doesn't change anything. You're still scared. You are scared because you are intimidated by stereotypes that, in fact, do not correspond to the truth at all. But this can only be known by deciding to break. And it's hard. Because there is a solid “a woman should” around. nine0003
Every time you think you've had enough of riding this horse, all sorts of pictures pop up in your head. About how you met - oh, what a funny story it was! You ran after the bus in the rain, stumbled, fell into a puddle, and he picked you up with the words: “Do you think it’s faster to swim?” Or how he looked after you when you were sick. He supported me when there were difficult times at work. Or how you went on vacation together and had a great time. And parting is like devaluing and throwing away all the good that was between you. nine0003
But think about this: the present is more important than the future. If wonderful moments exist mainly only in memory, and new ones no longer appear, then it is pointless to continue the relationship. You need a person with whom it is good here and now, and not many years ago.
A partner can manipulate you, and do it completely unnoticed. He can suppress you and thereby reduce your self-esteem. He can use guilt as a manipulation tool, which means you can't just walk away if you're a responsible person. Jealousy is the very hook that catches emotionally immature virgins: in order to “ripen”, they need at least minimal, at least observational experience, but it cannot be obtained if the jealous one does not take his eyes off you. Patriarchal stereotypes are also a convenient tool for manipulation: a man controls you “on the simple basis that he is a man,” and it seems to be the way it should be. No. It should not be. All this is just manipulation, and it is they who do not let you leave. nine0003
Naturally, all of the above points give rise to the main thing: fear.