Define boundaries in a relationship

A Guide for Building and Keeping

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What does it mean to have healthy boundaries in relationships?

Why are relationship boundaries important?

What are the 5 types of boundaries?

What are examples of boundaries in relationships?

What are some examples of healthy boundaries?

What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?

What are 4 ways to set healthy boundaries in a relationship?

Moving forward

Boundaries in relationships are important, at home and at work.

Without boundaries, you can lose your work-life balance. Maybe your boss constantly asks you to work long hours or your family members interrupt you during important meetings. Either way, the rise of remote work has made it more important than ever to establish relationship boundaries.

Physical boundaries tell you where you can and cannot go. On a road, they tell you where you can and cannot drive. They don’t come as yellow warning signs, but relationship boundaries are just as important as the ones that save you from driving where you shouldn't.

A boundary is a clear line. It can tell you where to stop. It can define where one thing ends and another begins. In any relationship, boundaries define where things like our personhood, our identity, our responsibility, and our control begin and end relative to the other person.

However, seeing, understanding, and establishing boundaries isn't always easy. Your boundaries for your family members could be different from those for your friends, for example.

Just as there are different kinds of relationships, there are many types of boundaries. Let's start by learning what it looks like to have healthy boundaries in relationships.

What does it mean to have healthy boundaries in relationships?

Healthy boundaries in relationships create mutual respect between individuals. Setting boundaries helps us know what's expected in the relationship. Plus, boundaries show us how we can respect each other’s personal space, comfort level, and limits.

Boundaries can look different in every relationship. We have unique relationships with our friends, coworkers, family, and romantic partners. For example, you may share financial accounts with your romantic partner, but not your parents.

Similarly, maybe you express lots of emotions with your family members, but not your coworkers. It’s probably not appropriate to complain to your officemate about your relationship problems. However, it’s perfectly fine to vent about your intramural soccer team’s loss.

Whatever the relationship, we need to respect existing boundaries and give each other space to set new limits. In healthy relationships, both people have healthy self-esteem and are able to both be vulnerable and assert their boundaries. They feel free to think, feel, and act independently.

Remember, the boundary is always set at the level of the least comfortable person. In a work or group setting, that person might not speak up. That’s why we tend to have some social norms around default boundaries in environments like the office.

Ultimately, everyone wants to feel like their well-being is valued and cared for. Boundaries in relationships can help you get there, by allowing you to communicate your needs and limits.

Why are relationship boundaries important?

Boundaries are a form of self-care. They’re a way of taking care of your mental health and ensuring that your well-being is respected.

For example, knowing your partner's boundaries helps you know them as a whole person. This is because respecting their limits can help them feel more safe to open up to you. From there, true connection and intimacy can bloom.

Relationship boundaries with your coworkers can be even more important. Unprofessional behavior can impact your career trajectory. However, many people fail at proper boundaries — a survey by Udemy showed that 37% of office workers believe their coworkers are too informal on workplace chat platforms, for example.

Without boundary setting, relationship and career growth can be tough. Speaking up for yourself — and giving others the opportunity to do the same — will pave the way for better mental health for everyone.

That said, learning how to have boundaries in relationships might be new for you. If you feel like you need extra support, consider trying BetterUp. BetterUp can provide the guidance you need to implement habits that prioritize your well-being.

What are the 5 types of boundaries?

Within your relationships, you need more than one or two boundaries. No single boundary can encompass all your needs. As you begin prioritizing your comfort and ability to function as an independent human, think about the 5 kinds of relationship boundaries below.

1. Emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries have to do with being clear on what is and isn't yours to feel or fix. Your emotions and emotional well-being are within your control regardless of what is happening for the other person. These boundaries help us show empathy without absorbing the other person’s feelings.

At work, emotional boundaries can be played out when you listen to a peer's difficulties with their manager. An emotional boundary looks like not being obliged to also be mad at the manager or drawn into the other person’s frustration.

As a parent, emotional boundaries can mean not letting your own mood be contingent on the mood of your teenager. Even though you want them to be happy, you can separate yourself and have your own feelings. Another emotional boundary can be not getting upset when your partner doesn't follow you into a spiral of despair when watching the news.

Ultimately, emotional boundaries in relationships are about maintaining our individuality. We all have our own thoughts and feelings, and can care about each other without losing our sense of self.

2. Intellectual boundaries

Everyone has different beliefs, ideas, and values. Intellectual boundaries help us respect one another's different viewpoints. This is important so that you don’t expect people in your relationships to share all of your opinions or adopt all of your views. Even if you disagree with your coworkers or loved ones, you still need to be able to share your opinions and feelings.

This isn’t so much worrying about whether your opposing view hurts another person’s feelings. It’s more about respecting their right to hold their own opinions, whether about politics or a marketing strategy.

Intellectual boundaries can also help you feel more secure in holding your own opinions. Instead of trying to be liked by everyone by agreeing with them, you can remain true to yourself.

You may need intellectual boundaries if your differences lead to arguments and insults. Do you feel personally attacked or offended when the other person disagrees with you? Does the other party? Is it about any difference or just certain topics?

Reconsider why you or the other person feels so threatened. From there, establish intellectual boundaries that allow you both to feel your viewpoints are valued.

3.Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries are an important type of relationship boundary. We all have different levels of comfort when it comes to physical touch — some people may be comfortable with hugs in the workplace, for example. Others may not appreciate physical touch in this context.

Speaking up about your physical boundaries at work or with your friends is important. Even if others can’t understand your boundaries, you have a right to do what makes you comfortable. Make sure you give your friends and coworkers space to voice their personal limits, too.

4. Financial boundaries

Conversations about money can be tough, but we all know they’re needed. You probably already talk about money with your partner — maybe you have joint accounts or are saving for a vacation. However, money is also a factor in other relationships.

If your friends constantly choose expensive restaurants, for example, you may need to set a boundary about what you’re willing to spend. The same goes for coworkers who ask you to join them for lunch or happy hours. Consider what your financial goals are, and be ready to share your relationship boundaries for this area.

5. Sexual boundaries

When it comes to physical intimacy, sexual boundaries shouldn’t be ignored. Discussing what's off-limits and what kind of contact you prefer is needed to develop a trusting relationship. Setting sexual boundaries also includes prioritizing consent.

What are examples of boundaries in relationships?

We can set all sorts of boundaries in our relationships. The bottom line is that our boundary setting should make us feel respected in our relationships.

Here are five examples of healthy relationship boundaries:

Expecting others to communicate during disagreements with maturity
Letting go of codependency and having your own identity
Asking for personal space and quiet when you're working
Voicing your concerns rather than holding onto resentment
Leaving the situation when someone is communicating disrespectfully with you

What are some examples of healthy boundaries?

Our personal boundaries should always be heard and never excluded from any relationship. To give you an idea of what personal boundaries can look like, here are five examples:

Ownership and agency over your financial assets
The ability to stay true to your sense of self, spiritual beliefs, and passions
Ability to prioritize personal time for self-care
The right to change your mind and preferences
Alone time with no distractions or interruptions

What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?

Ready to start setting relationship boundaries? First, take a moment to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

We know that healthy boundaries are supposed to develop mutual respect and create a sense of comfort and safety. Unhealthy boundaries do the opposite — they are often actually a lack of boundaries.

These boundaries aim to control the other person and manipulate them into doing things they don't want to do. In fact, unhealthy boundaries are a common tactic of toxic people.

If you have a friend that gets overly angry when you are too busy to spend time with them, they may be trying to control you. That's a red flag, and suggests that they aren’t truly a friend.

You may also have seen unhealthy boundaries in toxic workplaces. Have you ever had a manager require constant overtime, even when a project wasn’t that urgent? Or maybe you have a coworker that doesn’t respect your time off, and messages you at all hours of the day.

Regardless of the situation, these unhealthy relationship boundaries demand too much. Someone with unhealthy boundaries doesn't question how the other person feels. Their goal is to control.

The good news is you can learn how to spot unhealthy boundaries and leave toxic relationships before they take over your life. Whether at work or at home, you deserve to feel empowered to perform and feel your best.

What are 4 ways to set healthy boundaries in a relationship?

Everyone has their own way of setting boundaries. While it may take some trial and error to find your personal way of speaking up, the important thing is to keep trying.

If you're unsure how to create healthy boundaries in your relationships, here are four ways you can start today:

Take the initiative and begin establishing your standards early in a new relationship. If you’re at a new job, make it clear that you plan to log off at a certain time. If it’s with a new friend, share what kind of emotional support you need from the beginning.
Learn from mistakes you and the other person have made and take it as an opportunity to set a new boundary. If you have a fight or a misunderstanding with a friend, it’s a perfect time to be vulnerable and share your needs. You can always start fresh whether your relationship is 1 week or 10 years old.
Strengthen your communication skills and articulate your feelings clearly. Get used to saying “no” and practice often.
Take a moment to think about your boundaries. Try writing out the specifics in a journal. Also consider your “why” — what need are you trying to meet with your relationship boundary? This will help you stay strong if others resist your boundaries.

Moving forward

Boundaries are a pillar of success in any relationship. It sets the groundwork for happy relationships filled with love, trust, and respect. We all deserve to feel that way, and we shouldn't accept unhealthy boundaries no matter how much we care about the person.

We also can't expect to execute our boundaries flawlessly as soon as we establish them. They take time and commitment to develop. We need to practice saying “no” and communicating clearly. The feeling of relief that comes from setting healthy boundaries in relationships will make the effort more than worth it.

Along the way, you might need some help with establishing your boundaries. A platform like BetterUp can help you develop the communication skills you need to articulate your boundaries that will benefit your well-being and your future relationships.

5 Types Of Boundaries For Your Relationship

Effective boundaries keep your relationship strong and healthy. Boundaries refer to limits that you put in place to protect your well-being. When boundaries are clearly communicated, along with the consequences for breaking them, your partner understands your expectations. In an earlier post I discussed ways to establish healthy boundaries in your relationship. This post identifies some types of boundaries to consider in your couple relationship to keep it running smoothly.

In order to establish effective personal boundaries, you have to know yourself, communicate your boundaries to others, and follow through with the consequences. Boundaries are for you and about you. They are about respecting your needs in your relationship. When you are uncomfortable about something in your relationship, but don’t speak up and share it with your partner, resentment can build. Below are some relationship boundaries to consider to help keep your relationship strong.

1. Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to your body, privacy, and personal space. You might enjoy public displays of affection, or be uncomfortable with it. If your partner kisses you in public and you are uncomfortable with it, you need to let them know. Sharing your preferences and expectations might feel difficult, but not sharing them can make you feel disrespected. It might be easy to establish a boundary around your partner not slapping you. Perhaps the boundary and consequence is quick to define in this case. If you slap me, I will leave. However, in other areas it could be trickier.

Sharing your personal boundaries can improve your relationship. Know what you are and are not comfortable with and share this with your partner. If you need time to decompress after work before socializing with others, set a boundary around this. Doing this will keep you from feeling drained as it will allow you to honor your needs. You could say something like, I need 15 minutes to relax after work before we invite the neighbors over. If you invite them over before I’ve relaxed, I’m going to go relax in private and you will need to entertain them until I come down.

2. Emotional Boundaries

In order to establish emotional boundaries, you need to be in touch with your feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries require you to know where you end and your partner begins. If your partner is upset and you notice yourself sharing this feeling, a boundary might be needed. Notice when you feel guilty, ashamed, upset, and undervalued. Boundaries might be needed when you notice these feelings coming up around certain issues or situations.

If you are upset and your partner tries to fix it, you could feel as if your partner isn’t hearing you. Your partner might be trying to help you, but it just leaves you feeling more upset. This is a place where a boundary might be helpful. You could say, when I’m upset, I would like you to listen to me without trying to fix it. I just need to vent sometimes. When you try and fix things, I don’t feel heard. If I want your advice, I will let you know.

3. Sexual Boundaries

Sexual boundaries refer to your expectations around physical intimacy. What is and isn’t okay with you sexually. Boundaries around frequency, sexual comments, unwanted sexual touch, expectations around others involvement in your sex life, and what sexual acts are preferred and off limits should be discussed. Healthy sexual boundaries include mutual agreement, mutual consent, and an understanding of each other’s sexual limits and desires.

If you were sexually abused in the past and you are triggered during certain positions, a sexual boundary is needed. You might want to avoid sexual contact with your partner if you are reminded of a traumatizing experience. Establishing a boundary around what is comfortable for you can keep your sex life heallthy and happy. You could say, I have a hard time enjoying a certain sexual position because it reminds me of a difficult experience. In order for me to enjoy sex, I need to avoid that position. I will let you know if I become bothered so we can switch positions.

4. Intellectual Boundaries

Intellectual boundaries encompass ideas and beliefs. Boundaries around showing respect for different views and ideas can keep your feelings from being hurt. Talking down to someone or treating them as though they are not smart enough to understand what you are trying to say can damage your emotional intimacy. If you feel as though you can’t discuss certain topics with your partner because you believe they don’t respect your opinion, or put you down, a boundary might be needed.

When you are afraid to share your views or opinions because of your partner’s responses, you could feel hurt or upset. If your partner calls you names when you have a different opinion or political view, you could feel as though they don’t value your thoughts or beliefs. A boundary around this can allow you to share your opinions honestly. You could say, It hurts me when we disagree politically and you tell me my opinion is wrong. It makes me feel like you don’t respect my views. If you say that my opinion is wrong, I will remind you not to and end the discussion if you continue to say it.

5. Financial Boundaries

Financial boundaries are all about money. Boundaries around joint versus separate accounts, how much goes into savings, what purchases you want to make, and how much discretionary funds you will each have, can keep you both on the same page where your finances are concerned. Having different rules and agendas related to where and how you spend your money can cause a great deal of strain on your relationship. If you feel as though you are often fighting about money, boundaries are probably needed.

Discussions about your financial goals upfront, can keep finances from becoming a point of contention. If you agree to put money into a separate fund to pay for a vacation and you feel your partner isn’t contributing, this could upset you. Having a boundary around this can be helpful. You might say, I want to go on a nice vacation with you, but we both need to contribute to the vacation fund for that to happen. If you tell me when you contribute to the fund and how much you are putting in, I will match it.

Boundaries help your relationship function effectively. When you notice that you are feeling disrespected, taken advantage of, or hurt, you might want to consider how putting a boundary in place could improve this. Knowing and respecting your personal limits and needs can improve your couple relationship and keep it healthy and strong.

Love is love, and borders are borders!

PSYCHOLOGY / June 8

Love is love, and boundaries are boundaries!

Can there be personal boundaries between loving people! “No, we are native people,” some will say. “Of course, we are different,” others will say. With psychology becoming more and more popular, people are fighting for their right to be happy. In the process of finding harmony in relationships, the issue of boundaries is acute.

So are boundaries between loving partners necessary and how to build them? Psychologist Yulia Sokolovskaya will help us answer this question.

Yulia Sokolovskaya

Practicing psychologist and psychotherapist in the field of family, child and individual counseling, lecturer at the Faculty of Psychology Learning Environments

Personal boundaries are important for relationships of any format (family, work, friendship, partnership). Our values \u003d boundaries make communication interesting and personality unique. Most often, we choose a partner for his features, and not for the fact that he agrees with us.

Everyone has an image of an ideal relationship: "what kind of love we will have."

I want him to:
- be tall, brunette/muscular with blond hair in a ponytail;
- gave flowers / read poetry / knew how to sing or play the guitar;
- spent time with me / gave me a lot of freedom;
- liked outdoor activities / all inclusive hotels;
- . ..

And I will:
- take care of the house and family / build a career;
- feel fragile and protected / strong and independent;
- ...

We carry the image of an ideal relationship in ourselves from childhood, it is associated with a deep feeling of happiness. When we meet a person who falls under our inner image, there is sympathy and a desire to start a relationship.

Over time, in addition to the image, we begin to see a real person. Gradually, a common space of relationships is being created, into which we come with our own way of loving and accepting love. For each of the parties, the image of an ideal relationship is important, but it happens that these “pictures” do not match: the husband considers it good to provide for his wife and give her the opportunity not to work, and she dreams of self-realization and a career.

Conflicts “about boundaries” arise when a partner (according to the second) seeks to control and is not ready for dialogue (to follow, prohibit, establish a regime, make an important decision for both without discussion, etc. ).

For example, the situation: a quarrel over the fact that one of the partners (A) without the knowledge of the second (B) buys tickets for a trip. Consider the conflict on the part of each of the participants.

Partner A.

This partner had a desire to do something nice, and, focusing on his inner picture, he (she) decides to surprise his loved one, relieve him (her) of troubles and give him a long-awaited vacation. When, in response to this act of love, he (she) receives a refusal, then the reaction becomes misunderstanding, anger, and conflict follows.

What to do?
Think about whether you are ready to learn to talk with your partner about your desires and vision of relationships, to hear another, or is it important for you that reality exactly matches the inner picture, your plan?

Develop personal resilience.
If they say "no" to you, it does not mean "I don't love you" or "I don't want to see you". “No” from a partner means that their vision does not match yours.

Consider that perfect pictures of life are only found in books and movies. Turning away from reality and devaluing the present, if it does not correspond to them, we miss both what we want and what is here and now. One does not cancel the other, there is a real person with whom you can agree here and now, and your desires that can be gradually translated into reality.

Partner B.

Like Partner A, this person also has his own views on life and relationships. When we are confronted with a fact, confusion, anger, resentment are normal feelings: “He (she) does not consider me! My opinion and desires mean nothing! I'm not a puppet to decide for me!"

What to do?
In the event that you encounter a surprise proposal, a situation in which your partner has decided everything for you, think about what is more important for you: defend yourself, be sure to ALWAYS make decisions in dialogue (think together about what kind of vacation you both dream of) or give your partner the opportunity to express their feelings and take care of you in the best way they can?

Think about what makes you want to control, do you allow spontaneity in relationships? Or do you like surprises, but the partner does not hear and continues to surprise with what you do not like?

Considering the conflict from either side, the question arises what causes resistance: your personal history or the impossibility of dialogue. If the situation that worries "about you" - think about what you can change, go forward? If the situation is not “about you”, but “about your partner”, accept the fact that you cannot change the other, and give yourself time to understand if you are ready to accept a person with his characteristics or is this a reason to end the relationship?

Relationships need time for partners to learn more about each other's values and where they are willing to compromise. Often we "cut off the shoulder" by declaring our values without giving ourselves and others time to find a solution.

You will learn more about family relationships, learn to understand the actions and actions of partners, as well as children and adolescents; improve relationships with relatives; Get the skills of psychological counseling of all family members.

Theory and practice of individual and family counseling

Get advice

Do not forget that everyone has their own pace. We are afraid of losing a partner, being rejected or hurt, so we do not present ourselves right away. Taking risks, opening up, learning to speak, making contact is not easy, everyone goes this way at their own pace. The task of partners is to understand how quickly they are ready to show themselves or “wait” for another.

When there is a clash of boundaries = values of partners, the focus of attention often shifts to what does not add up in the relationship. Try not to forget why you chose this person. This is not about looking for the “pluses” and “minuses” of a partner, but about how ready you are to accept another, present yourself and learn to be together.

Personal boundaries in relationships are not needed in order to “build fortresses” or protect yourself from a partner, boundaries are about contact with yourself, your values and the ability to enter into a dialogue with a loved one, to look for ways to create a common thing between you.

Interviewed by Tatyana Zvyagintseva

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I'm in the house: how to properly set boundaries They are needed so that we can clearly feel: where I am, and where I am not; where are my own emotions, actions, beliefs and thoughts, and where are others. And if these emotions and thoughts are mine, then I am responsible for them and control them. Borders also protect our inner world from outside encroachment.

They may look like a five-meter stone fence with barbed wire and machine gunners on the towers. Or they may be absent altogether - all the doors will be wide open. Boundaries can change depending on the context and environment, become solid for some people and completely blurred for others.

Personal boundaries can be opened for "import", when we gladly accept other people's help, resources, time, money, etc., or for "export" - our own resources. We usually import what we especially need, and we export either what we have in abundance, or what we hope to get a good price for.

Borders are needed to mark two important issues:

1. What do I consider my property (and, accordingly, I will protect)?

2. What am I responsible for (and will try to control)?

Checking for boundaries

How does this manifest itself in specific behavior? There are people for whom property boundaries can be very arbitrary. Such a person does not consider anything his own, inviolable, he "does not become attached to things." He cannot close himself in his room because he considers it impolite. Such people cannot refuse help or money, even realizing that this money will not come back. Their borders are always open for imports, it is important for them that people see them as kind, generous and open. It's a way to build relationships. Sometimes they even think that having nothing of their own is safer.

The opposite type is people whose boundaries are too extended. They consider everything their property - wife, children, employees, office or apartment space, other people's things and time. They do not see other people's boundaries and do not consider it necessary to observe them. Wherever such a person is, there is always “too much” of him, he captures the space around him. And if he was not given something in a good way, he can take it away "in a bad way."

Two "extreme" types also exist in relation to responsibility. There are people who take on too much, trying to control what is beyond their control. Such a wife thinks that her husband yelled at her because she did not have time to set the table on time or did not clean up well enough. People agree with every charge brought against them. The logic is this: if I tried better (guessed other people's desires and did everything right), then this would magically change those around me, make them happy and loving. People with such a strategy of thinking lack recognition and praise, they are ready to do everything to get this simple currency.

The other extreme is characters who are not ready to take responsibility not only for others, but also for themselves. They do not see their contribution to the development of conflict situations, do not accept criticism and try to avoid any obligations. If you entrust them with a project, they will either require a partner or will come running every half hour with questions and clarifications so that the responsibility does not lie with them (or at least not with them alone). Men with a fear of responsibility are almost elusive for marital or paternal obligations. They consider them a violation of their boundaries, because the family will force them to change their usual way of life.

Border Guard Day

How to define your borders and protect them? Unfortunately, you cannot put up pegs and notify others that “this half a meter of land around me is my territory, do not enter without knocking.” Although, in fact, this is exactly what young ladies with long puffy skirts did in the old days.

In my trainings I often do a simple exercise. I ask a person to designate a limit invisible to others, and I begin to slowly approach it - step by step. The task of the participant is to make it clear without words that I am already close to the point that I do not need to cross. The reaction is very different. Someone is very calm at first and only at the last moment begins to frown. Someone, on the contrary, from my first step “gets into a pose” and puts on “boxing gloves”. Very polite people let me close, with a bewildered smile on their face. And only then it turns out that I have long passed the intended border. There was also such an “intelligent” reaction: when a person understands that I am not going to stop and provoke him to more obvious actions, he himself takes a step back, leaving his integrity stable. But in order to stay at a safe distance from me, he has to give up his territory.

I don't know how you would react in this exercise. Think about it.

You can defend your borders in different ways in different situations. The ability to say "no" (without the subsequent sprinkling of ashes on the head!) Is an important personality skill. It is necessary for those who easily succumb to pressure, aggression and other "honest ways of taking money."

The ability to create and protect one's own boundaries, of course, is formed even by parents. But over the course of life (and with different people), boundaries can change many times. Teenagers, for example, protect them militantly, they need this life period in order to separate from their parents and learn to build their own lives on their own, to respect themselves. And couples in love sometimes completely dissolve in each other, and only then they begin to notice that it has become crowded. If you do not revise the rules of interaction in time, do not outline the circle of your interests, then the couple comes to a crisis or even breaks up.

Like any other skill, the ability to see and respect one's own and others' boundaries may well be mastered at a later period of time.

How to defend your territory

How do you react to a yelling boss? Do you get nervous before public speaking? Are you able to refuse requests from loved ones if they are inconvenient for you? Do children have the right to disagree with you, to close in their room? How do you feel when your spouse (or best friend) said something “wrong”? Do you want to suggest, correct, give a cuff, shame, do you think that the actions of loved ones “dishonor your reputation”?

The skill of respecting other people's boundaries is, first of all, allowing other people to be different from you.

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