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Codependency toxic relationships


Dependency | Mental Health America

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.
 

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

  • An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
  • The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
  • The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  • A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  • An extreme need for approval and recognition
  • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  • A compelling need to control others
  • Lack of trust in self and/or others
  • Fear of being abandoned or alone
  • Difficulty identifying feelings
  • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  • Problems with intimacy/boundaries
  • Chronic anger
  • Lying/dishonesty
  • Poor communications
  • Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

What is Toxic Codependency? | Breathe Life Healing Centers

Overview

If you’re interested in learning about Codependency, this article will cover:

• The definition of Codependency

• The negative Symptoms and Results of Codependency

• The different Styles of codependent relationships

Part 1: Intro

The origins of the term Codependency can be traced back to the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous (Al-Anon from now on). Al-Anon was the first self-help group for addicts founded in 1935. After sharing their personal experiences in group-therapy, Al-Anon members quickly noticed that the wives (during this era, most Al-Anon members were straight men) of Alcoholics typically responded with a pattern of overly-supportive enabling behaviors, and thus, the term Codependent was born.

The thing is, we know now that codependency doesn’t just happen in the context of alcoholism. It happens on its own, as well as alongside all sorts of addictions and behavioral problems. Codependent relationships are an unhealthy way of obtaining self-esteem and feelings of safety that deteriorate our identity and independence.

Here are the basics:

  • Codependent relationships happen between two individuals
    • One person is “troubled” and tends to absorb the other’s energy and resources by behaving selfishly.
    • The other person, the Codependent, compulsively takes care of the other at the cost of their own wellbeing and independence.
  • Codependency can happen in any type of relationship including those between Friends, siblings, parents + children, coworkers, spouses, and so on
  • Although Codependency is a sub-clinical diagnosis, it is highly treatable with support and therapy.

Lovers, friends, and family members help us get through the hard times, as well as enjoy the good times. These intimate relationships that we develop over a lifetime are fountains of energy, inspiration, joy, and comfort and they’re also probably the best part of being alive.

Unfortunately, these relationships can sometimes grow into toxic codependency. If someone in your life is making you feel any of these symptoms, it is time to acknowledge that the relationship might be unhealthy.

Low Self-Esteem:

Codependency is a means of obtaining affirmation, and a sense of purpose and self-worth. However, when we put our self-esteem into the hands of another person, it fluctuates based on his or her moods. A healthier way to boost self-esteem is to form multiple relationships and focus on your inner strengths.

Compulsive People-Pleasing:

Codependents focus far too much of their time on pleasing their more emotionally demanding partner, usually at the expensive of their own wellbeing.

Extreme Reactivity:

Dips in their partner’s mood can lead to extreme emotional reactions in the codependent person.

Feeling Powerless:

When we invest all of our emotional energy into an unstable person, we can feel like we have no control over our own lives.

Isolation– As a codependent relationship grows, all the other relationships in our lives start to fade, and disappear completely, until we are alone with that one partner.

Obsession:

Codependents rely on their relationship for their sense of self-worth, so over time, it becomes everything they think about! Nothing else seems important anymore in comparison.

Intimacy Problems:

When we become codependent, we are not forming a functional, well-rounded bond. Instead, we are relying on each other for specific psychological needs, so real communication is downright impossible. Intimacy problems might manifest as a fear or reluctance to talk about certain topics in order not to upset your partner.

If you feel like you and your family are being affected by the effects of codependency, know that there’s a treatment program entirely designed to help you.

Click below to learn more about our Family Therapy Program. Our team is here 24/7.