Cheating on fiance

Why People Cheat in Relationships

Written ByMark Manson

Filed Under Dating Advice Relationships

Listen to this article

00:0000:00

I talk to a lot of people about their relationships. And a lot of these relationships are about as healthy as the Ebola virus: cold, distant, loveless, and flesh-eating.

I hear the stories about the heartbreak and loneliness, the lying and cheating, and the pain. Always the pain.

Inevitably, these conversations end with some form of the same question: “Why?” Why does he/she do this to me? Why does he/she not care anymore? Why won’t he/she change?

Tolstoy said that all happy relationships are the same, but each unhappy relationship is unique in its own way.¹ I suppose that’s true. But I do think the question of fidelity, of why some people choose to remain faithful and others do not, is fairly straightforward and easily answered.

It turns out that infidelity is actually not uncommon in both men and women. In fact, surveys estimate that almost one-fourth of all marriages experience infidelity at some point. And that’s just counting the people who answered honestly or found out about it.²

It’s also very hard for most people to be logical about infidelity. They start raging all over the place and throwing people’s shit out on the lawn. Or they get so sad and hurt that they can’t look at the situation reasonably and see all of the warning signs stretching out miles behind them.³

So let’s break this down logically. I know algorithms aren’t exactly romantic or sexy. But then again, neither is cheating. So fuck it, you get an algorithm.

The Cheating Algorithm is quite simple and goes as follows:

SELF-GRATIFICATION > INTIMACY = CHEATING

In plain English: when one’s need for self-gratification outweighs their need for intimacy, cheating is likely to occur. Let’s break that down a little more and dig a little deeper:

As humans, we all have a natural desire for self-gratification. Good food. Good sex. Little work. Lots of sleep. Porn and video games and corn flakes.⁴
As humans, we also all have a natural desire for intimacy and to feel loved by somebody else, to feel as though we are sharing our lives with somebody.⁵
Unfortunately, these two needs are often contradictory. To achieve that intimacy and love, you have to sacrifice your own self-gratification at times. And to achieve self-gratification, you often have to sacrifice some love and intimacy. This can be as simple as watching a movie you don’t really like or attending some boring work party you don’t care about. But it can also be deep and complex, like being open about your fears and insecurities to your partner or making a conscious commitment to be monogamous with that person for an indefinite amount of time.⁶
If a person values self-gratification more than the intimacy they gain from a relationship, then they will stop sacrificing for the relationship and are likely to end up cheating. If a person values the intimacy they gain from a relationship more than self-gratification, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their self-gratification to remain faithful.
Think of it like a scale. On one side you have self-gratification and on the other you have intimacy. If at any point the self-gratification side outweighs the intimacy side, well, then you get a cheater.

84 people had breakthroughs last week. This week, will one of them be you?

Join millions of readers and subscribe to The Breakthrough newsletter. Enter your email below to receive new ideas and exercises that could change your life each week.

No spam or unexpected emails. Ever.

There are two ways this can happen. The first way is that a person is just shallow and selfish and needs to be gratified constantly. The second reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and desire.⁷ Let’s unpack these two reasons separately.

Reason #1: An Oversized Need for Self-Gratification

In my eyes, the definition of maturity is the ability to defer self-gratification in favor of more important long-term goals.⁸

You don’t masturbate at work because that would get you fired. You don’t eat chocolate cake for breakfast every morning because that would give you a heart attack by the age of 32. You don’t mainline heroin straight into your eyeballs before picking your kids up from school because, well, Jesus, do I really have to explain that one?

Sure, these things feel nice, but you have larger and more important concerns and you’re able to defer your own gratification to meet those concerns.

This is called “maturity.” It’s called “being an adult.” It’s called “not being a fuck up.”

Cheating falls under the same umbrella here. Sure, it may feel good to rub your genitals all over that beautiful stranger’s face, but a mature person is capable of stepping back and deferring their gratification in favor of a more important life-long commitment.

Self-gratifying cheaters come in two flavors: miserable over-compensators and people in power.

The miserable over-compensators are constantly focused on their own gratification because they feel so miserable about themselves that they need to make themselves feel good to cover it up all the time. Chances are that if your cheating deadbeat of an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend is a miserable over-compensator, cheating isn’t the only destructive self-gratifying behavior they pursue. They may be a heavy drinker, a hard partier, a drug user, or a social climber.

Or they may just try to take over the world.

The people in power are just that, people in high positions of power.⁹ They’re Genghis Khan. Or more recently, Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They are people who don’t have anyone to say “no” to them or those who don’t face any real tangible repercussions for their actions. Or in the case of Khan, a man who just slaughtered an entire province of innocent people and wanted to spend the next week having a blood orgy with all the local virgins. Knock yourself out, champ.

But these don’t just need to be people with social power. These can be people who are given complete power over the relationship, people who are shown no repercussions for their actions by their partners. Yes, you can unwittingly enable your partner to cheat on you. Which brings us to the second reason.

Reason #2: The Lack of Real Intimacy

It’s not rocket science to say that the likelihood of infidelity in a relationship is directly proportional to how miserable the relationship is.

The problem is that many people don’t recognize the misery in their own relationships. They come from a family full of miserable relationships and/or have a long history of miserable relationships, so to them, it’s not even miserable, it’s just normal.

Then they get surprised when wifey is fucking the milkman. Everything was so good, what happened?

No, it wasn’t so good buckeroo. Let me explain why.

Damn you milkman. Always stealing our women.

Look, there are two relationship patterns that usually end up with somebody cheating. Both involve poor boundaries.¹⁰ And both create an illusion that “everything is great,” when really it’s a festering pile of cow shit with big red hearts painted on it.

The first situation is when one partner feels as though they “do everything” for the other partner. They take care of them, give them everything they want, and in some cases support them. The person feels like a goddamn saint and then what happens? They get cheated on.

The reason this is actually a toxic situation is that when you do everything for your partner, when you take care of all of their problems and show them that no matter what happens you will always make it better for them, you show them that there are essentially no repercussions for their actions. They lose their job because they were masturbating at the office again and you decide to support them. Then they spend the next six months loafing around on your couch while you tirelessly send out their resume for them. What makes you think they’re going to change? What makes you think they will ever stop and question their own behavior?

If you had a dog that continuously pissed on your rug and every time you just cleaned up the rug because OMIGOD I LOVE HER, why would the dog ever stop pissing on it?

That’s what happens when these people cheat on you. You’re actually surprised when you’ve been tolerating and enabling the exact behavior that led to them cheating all along. No, it’s not your “fault,” but you sure as shit weren’t helping the matter.

Believe it or not, a healthy and loving relationship requires that people say “no” to one another on occasion. It requires that each individual stands up for themselves and their needs. Because only then can two people, as self-respecting individuals, discuss what will work and what won’t work for them in a relationship.

The other situation where cheating always ends up happening is when one partner is insanely possessive and jealous.

Let me ask you this, if you were dating somebody who regularly looked through your phone without permission, demanded to know where you were at all times, got ripshit pissed off every time you went out with your friends without him/her and screamed at you until blood vessels popped in their face if you go a single day without calling or texting, why wouldn’t you cheat?¹¹

I mean, this person is essentially treating you like you already cheated, even though you did nothing wrong. So why not cheat? It won’t get any worse.

And that’s exactly what happens. “Well, my husband yells at me every day anyway, and now that I’m with my friends and we’ve have had a few apple-tinis, I realize I haven’t been happy with him in about a year, so yeah, why don’t I kiss this cute guy hitting on me right now? He’s actually nice to me. And I’m going to get yelled at when I go home anyway. So why not?”

And boom, the milkman strikes again.

Possessive/jealous behavior communicates extreme insecurity and a lack of self-respect. How can your partner respect you if you are incapable of tolerating any sort of discomfort in the relationship whatsoever?

True, sexy confidence comes not from fighting for self-gratification, but rather from being comfortable with deferring gratification. Which brings us to…

There are simple steps you can take to prevent getting cheated on. Note while they are “simple” they are not necessarily easy to do.

Let me explain.

Step 1: Do Not Date Somebody Who Cannot Defer Self-Gratification Well

This goes without saying, but don’t fall in love with the first person who looks at you without grimacing.

Look, dating a self-gratifier can be awesome, as long as you continue to gratify them. But you need to learn to look past the feel-goods and look at how this person actually lives their life. Are they capable of making sacrifices for those around them? Are they impulsive? Does their life appear to be filled with unnecessary drama? Do they take responsibility for their actions?

The problem with people who base their lives around their own gratification is that they often appear confident to people who are anxious or insecure. I remember when I met my first girlfriend, one of the things I loved about her was that if she wanted something she just went and did it. I was so insecure and inhibited at the time that I thought this was an amazing display of confidence.

What I later found out was that it was actually an amazing display of self-gratification. As soon as she wanted another pair of genitals in her face, well, there they were.

As I described in this article, true sexy confidence only exists when someone is comfortable with what they don’t have. True confidence comes from being able to defer and give up one’s own gratification and desires and take the appropriate actions when necessary.

The other issue with people who date self-gratifiers is that they think to themselves, “Well, he’s so loving and happy when he’s with me, why would he ever want to be with somebody else?”

Yeah, it’s because he was dating you for the self-gratification, not the intimacy. So of course he loved being with you, as long as it was on his terms. As soon as you quit providing gratification for him, he went and found somebody else who did.

Step 2: Enforce Healthy Boundaries

That means standing up for yourself. That means declaring what is and is not acceptable in the relationship both for yourself and your partner. That means sticking by those declarations and following through on them. That means doing pretty much everything explained in this article.

That means you recognize that you are not responsible for your partner’s happiness nor are they responsible for yours. That you do not have a right to demand certain actions from them nor do they have a right to demand certain actions from you.

That means that they are responsible for their own struggles just as you are responsible for yours.

That means that you realize often the most loving and compassionate thing you can do for a loved one is allow them to deal with their struggles themselves.

The point of a relationship is not for you to have all of your life’s problems fixed by your partner, nor is it for you to fix all of your partner’s life problems.

The point of a relationship is to have two individuals unconditionally support each other as they deal with their own problems together.

Step 3: Always Be Willing to Leave

This comes up in a lot of my replies to those emails I get, and it often catches people off guard.

But a relationship is only as strong as each person’s willingness to leave. Note that I didn’t say desire to leave, but the willingness to leave. Every healthy relationship requires the occasional loving but stern “no.” Otherwise nothing will ever change because there’s no reason for it to change.

A wise friend of mine told me years ago that after two divorces the most important lesson he learned was that “the quickest way to kill a relationship is to take each other for granted.”¹²

A relationship is not an obligation. It is a choice. Made every day. It is a choice that says, “The intimacy we share is better for me than my own self-gratification. ” It is a choice that recognizes the short-term costs are worth the long-term benefits. It is a choice to appreciate what brought you two together in the first place. And then to let that keep you there.

Footnotes

The famous line from Anna Karenina actually reads, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” but I rewrote it with the word “relationship” to fit the article.↵
Infidelity statistics are notorious for being hard to pin down. But generally, most surveys find that around 25% of all couples experience infidelity at some point. Also, men are slightly more likely to cheat than women. Although the more financially independent women become, the more likely they are to cheat. See: Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217–233.↵
This emotional whirlpool following discovery of infidelity could range from a partner feeling undesirable to straight out suicidal. See: Shackelford, T. K., LeBlanc, G. J., & Drass, E. (2000). Emotional reactions to infidelity. Cognition and Emotion, 14(5), 643–659.↵
Like posting selfies on social media? Yep, that’s gratification.↵
For a review of literature on this topic, see: Popovic, M. (2005). Intimacy and its relevance in human functioning. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 20(1), 31–49.↵
To quote one study: “Monogamy, typically defined as sexual and romantic exclusivity to one partner, is a near-universal expectation in committed intimate relationships in Western societies.”↵
You may ask here, “What about honesty?” as cheating is inherently dishonest. It is true that an honest person who chooses their own self-gratification will simply end a relationship rather than cheating. But the catch is that honesty also requires one to defer self-gratification, because being honest and hurting people’s feelings is not a gratifying or fun thing to do.↵
Psychology research abounds on the topic of delayed self-gratification. Here is one place to start if you’re interested.↵
Lammers, J., Stoker, J. I., Jordan, J., Pollmann, M., & Stapel, D. A. (2011). Power increases infidelity among men and women. Psychological Science, 22, 1191-1197.↵
And it’s not just me saying this. This study identified “behavioral, cognitive, and relationship boundaries” as one of the factors preventing infidelity.↵
I’ve been living in Latin America for most of the last five years, a culture where people are extremely possessive and jealous in their relationships. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this play out.↵
Wise friend. (Years ago).↵

My Fiancé Cheated, But We Are Getting Married Next Month—What Should I Do?

WSID Relationships Advice Wedding Infidelity

Dear Newsweek, I have been cheated on. I found out in August 2021 that my boyfriend whom I had lived with for several years had cheated on me. The other woman's best friend told me. I confronted my boyfriend, and he admitted it but also said that he wanted to make it work.

We started therapy and decided that if we got through the cheating situation, we would get married. Two months after we started therapy, the other woman messaged me and mentioned our therapy visits, which could only mean he was still talking to her. She begged me to let him go so they could be together. I confronted him again and he reassured me it was over. However, the woman kept messaging me and calling me.

In December 2021, I felt again that something was wrong. I caught him on the phone in what I believed were some suspicious phone calls. Then I caught him hiding on the phone talking to the same woman. Then things fell apart between them and it ended after that. I was mad and hurt, as was the other woman.

We are still together. We talk about it regularly and have an agreement that I can check his phone whenever I want. I still have a feeling he is cheating, but with someone else. He swears he is not, but we are getting married next month.

Beverly, Unknown

Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.

Serial cheating. Stock image. A woman has written in to Newsweek to ask for advice as she believes that her fiancé is cheating on her again. fizkes/Getty Images

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater

Holly Davis is an attorney of Austin, Texas-based Kirker Davis LLP who has extensive experience in high-net-worth divorce cases.

This person is cheating on you, was cheating on you, and will continue cheating on you after marriage. There have been literally no consequences for a person like your fiancé to stop his cheating ways, and so their behavior will continue. The passage of time with no cheating is a factor to consider when trying to take someone back after they have cheated on you, but so far it does not appear like this fiancé has had many consecutive weeks under his belt of no cheating, or at least enough to justify getting married to this person.

Often, people hire me to handle their divorces if they were a cheater, and they acknowledge that they knew they shouldn't have gotten married, but they just did not know how to tell the person that they "should have loved" that they were not in fact in love with their spouse enough to stop seeking love elsewhere, and that is not a person to get married to.

It would seem he doesn't love you enough to remember you when he's having sex with someone else, and he doesn't love you enough to stop cheating after therapy, so the odds are just not in your favor.

Getting married is harder on relationships, not easier. Everyone has to continue working constantly throughout the marriage to make it work. When one or both people quit working on the relationship, it usually ends in divorce, and having sex with other people is the definition of "not working on the relationship." Bringing children into this dysfunctional relationship will not fix it, it will only complicate it. A person who does not love you enough in the beginning of the relationship or marriage will definitely not be able to find the love and empathy to fight for the marriage when things get hard.

If you do get married to him, make it worth your while financially through a premarital agreement. Throw some cheating taxes in there to put his money where his mouth is. Give him nothing of yours because the odds are high that this will end in divorce, and if you saw it coming beforehand enough to write it on the internet, you can see it coming enough to protect your assets from his cheating ways.

A Relationship With Infidelity Causes Low Self-Esteem, Depression and Abandonment Issues

Dr. Jeannelle Perkins-Muhammad is a psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 15 years' experience in relationship and life coaching.

Anyone experiencing the treatment you have described in your relationship here needs to seek counseling immediately. A relationship riddled with infidelity brings about anxiety and depression and exposes low self-esteem and abandonment concerns.

I would suggest you need to have a think, or seek help, to understand why you feel it's acceptable to be in a relationship, and soon a marriage, with a man you know has cheated on you, and who you suspect to still be cheating on you with another woman. Paranoid, although justifiable, actions like checking his cell phone will not stop a cheater from cheating. There is a lack of trust here, with no reciprocity of loyalty and commitment in this relationship.

A marriage should allow both partners to grow and flourish without the constant threat of emotional, sexual or physical abandonment. You deserve commitment and reciprocity of affirming love and belonging. Without it, this relationship will not work. Regardless of the decision to marry or not, you will need help setting boundaries and assessing your attachment style and behavioral patterns, which is where counseling comes in.

The foundational component of marriage is trust, and you deserve to be loved, appreciated, adored, and thrive in peace.

Should I confess to treason? Stories of women who were betrayed and who betrayed themselves - August 21, 2021

We find out from the experts what to do if you found out about the betrayal or cheated on your partner yourself

Illustration: Yuri Orlov / Network of city portals

Cheating in relationships — the topic is rather sensitive, you can talk about it a lot and for a long time: to admit to what you have done or not, whether to forgive your partner or to clearly explain to him where to go after such a misconduct. Opinions are usually divided - here, for example, 15 burning statements on the topic (men and women think differently). Today we decided to talk with those who forgave betrayal or were forgiven themselves, and at the same time asked the expert what to do in such an unpleasant situation.

- My boyfriend and I have been dating since we were 18. By the time I found out about his betrayal, we had been together for 6 years. For me it was wild, I was more likely to experience shock and surprise than anger, resentment and annoyance. Anton was not a womanizer, he did not like crowds, he was more at home, he preferred to communicate with relatives and friends. If he left somewhere or lingered at work, I couldn’t even think about what he could cheat on me until a new friend from work Timur appeared in his life, who just give a reason to show off in front of the girls. Anton began to stay late at work more often, one day he came quite late - I started asking questions. At first he denied, then confessed: yes, he met a girl, took him to the cinema, and after the film they had everything.

At first I laughed out of surprise and asked why? He said that he was wondering if he could interest a girl, 6 years with me in a relationship, he did not look at the opposite sex. Timur will only open his mouth and say a word - the phone number is in his pocket, and he passed next to him, considered himself uninteresting, wanted to assert himself, prove to himself that something else could do. He spoke, and his eyes were like those of a beaten puppy. I didn’t hysteria, I didn’t make a scandal. It certainly was unpleasant. She asked me to give me time to think.

I saw that Anton was remorseful and asked to be forgiven. The next day, we talked for a long time, discussed our relationship, what is missing in them and what is not. There was an idea to leave him, to punish him for a misconduct, but still I decided to forgive, I consulted with my mother. A month later, Anton proposed to me - he wanted to prove the seriousness of his intentions in such a way that he did not need anyone except me. We have been married for 4 years, I am glad that I forgave the betrayal, because I realized that a person stumbled once and repented, gave him a chance. I understand that my case is more an exception than a rule - but it happens, people change, you need to be able to forgive and soberly assess the situation, not allowing emotions to take over.

If you have the thought of cheating, before you do it, think about why you need it

Illustration: Yuri Orlov / Network of city portals

— About ten years ago, a real drama happened in my family. My husband and I started dating in the first year of university, after graduation we got married. Then, one after another, children were born. Every day I looked at my beloved and understood that I got the best husband in the world. He never ceased to be loving and gentle for a second. When three small screaming children appeared in the house, he was a real support and support. I can't imagine how I would have coped without it. We have been through a lot together, and I am extremely grateful to him for that.

A few years ago, my husband was transferred to a new position, and he began to travel frequently on business trips. One day he came up to me and said: “I cheated on you. I know that you won't forgive me. But please get tested." It turned out that on one of the long business trips, he slept with some random girl, without even knowing her name, and then discovered that she had infected him with a bunch of venereal diseases. When I checked, it turned out that these tests were positive for me.

It felt like my heart had been torn out with bare hands. I took the kids and went to my parents. We lived separately for several months, but it did not help. But, despite the betrayal and resentment, I suffered without him and knew that he also suffered. Separation did not solve anything, did not reassure. It only got worse for us and for the kids. One day we got tired of suffering, met and talked all night. I’m glad he didn’t make excuses, didn’t wallow at his feet and didn’t try to make amends with a simple “sorry.” I couldn't stand it. But I saw how deeply he repents, how he eats himself from the inside. After talking, we made a joint decision to save the family. Ten years have passed since then, and I have no regrets.

Sometimes partners begin to cheat in response - out of a sense of revenge

Photo: Yury Orlov / Network of city portals

— Somehow I cheated on my husband. It is terrible to remember how he experienced it, even cried. I asked for forgiveness, begged for a chance, assured that this would not happen again. I cheated on Lyosha at a meeting of school graduates, saw my first school love and seemed to be beguiled by a demon. I don’t know what it was, maybe an unclosed gestalt, because nothing worked out with that boy at school, and then after so many years a spark ran through.

At first I thought to remain silent, but then I decided that it would be fair if I confessed. It was a nightmare, even to remember terribly. After a month and a half, everything seemed to be forgotten, I walked like silk, cooked breakfasts, lunches, dinners, tried in every possible way to make amends. Suddenly, the husband started talking about the child - let's start. It was strange, but nevertheless we were married for three years, the child would switch us to a new stage in life, I agreed.

Once he did not come home to spend the night, I was seven months pregnant then. Then he called and said that he no longer loves me, he loves another girl, he will not leave us financially, but he will not live at home. Here is such a sophisticated revenge that came out - someone says that I got what I deserved. I don’t know what to do, I told him that I understand everything, I will accept any of his choices. He suggested that on weekdays he would be with that girl, and on weekends he would come to us with a child so that we would have a full-fledged family these days. I refused, said that it was necessary to decide, and not to live in two houses.

After the birth of my daughter, we still got divorced, but I still love him, I'm in limbo, I don't know what to do. My parents help me cope. Sometimes I think, what would have happened if I had not confessed? Would we have lived well, or would my husband have left anyway, and marriage with me was not serious for him?

Psychologists believe that infidelity can be kept silent for the sake of maintaining relationships

Illustration: Yuri Orlov / Network of city portals

— Admitting to cheating or keeping it a secret depends on how valuable it is to be in close relationships. If it is more important to keep everything as it is, you should not admit to treason. If you want a really close relationship, it is fundamentally important not to have such secrets, says psychotherapist Alena Sagadeeva .

The expert believes that if a decision is made not to talk about infidelity, it is important for oneself to understand and admit that this is a deception, and agree with this without coming up with excuses or explanations. This honesty allows you to maintain peace of mind.

- You need to confess to treason when you feel guilty. Why? Because guilt is the worst feeling, it completely destroys the nervous system, destroys self-worth and completely destroys relationships. Because of guilt, we are ready to be a servant, play the victim, do whatever the man wants, even go against his will. If, after betrayal, you are not covered with guilt and you think that you did it for your own pleasure or for some other purpose, then it is not necessary to confess, close this page of the book of your life and move on. If you are tormented by remorse, sit down and write down the points: “I cheated because ...”, everything was written out and safely burned, advises psychologist Marina Protopopova .

- If you decide to confess to cheating, then it is better to tell your partner about your attitude towards him, about your feelings, desires, so that the partner understands what is happening and why you are telling all this. If they don't ask for details, it's better not to delve into them. Maintaining relationships in this case is a difficult task, to put it mildly. And here a lot depends on the worldview of the partner, on the type of personality, on the characteristics of the relationship, - says psychotherapist Alena Sagadeeva.

- It is better to confess to treason at a round table, in dialogue. To begin with, the person with whom you want to maintain a relationship is very dear to you, that you love and appreciate him, but this and that happened, and that now you trust him with your fate - and further on the points that you want and what prompted you to commit this betrayal,” says Marina Protopopova.

If you decide to confess to cheating, then prepare for a dialogue in advance

Illustration: Yuri Orlov / Network of city portals

In the opposite situation, when you have been cheated on, only you can decide whether to forgive or not forgive the betrayal. Alena Sagadeeva says that sometimes the same person solves this issue differently with different partners.

- The most important thing is to understand what was in an extraneous adventure that is not in your relationship. And if it is, for example, a feeling of danger or novelty, it makes no sense to continue the relationship, since there is usually neither one nor the other in long-term relationships. How valuable is a partner to you? Is there a desire to give him something for which the betrayal happened? Is there a sense of exclusivity in the relationship? And there are many more questions to consider and discuss before making a decision. Is it okay to forgive cheating? The norm is what is accepted in most cases. Each person's system of values and choices is strictly individual. It is important to understand what you will have to pay for this or that decision: there are always risks and consequences. If a betrayal has happened, the relationship continues, but nothing has changed in them, a new betrayal is guaranteed, the expert concludes.

- A woman, if she is ready to put up with her husband's infidelities - for the sake of the so-called "family good." This is normal, the main thing is that it should be normal in her mind, and not so that everything is boiling inside, and she closes her eyes to everything. If the pain is drowned out, it, as a rule, turns into a physical illness, but is that good? If she is trying at all costs to preserve the family good, and she is being cheated on quite openly, then at this moment you need to think about children who see such a model of behavior. They will grow up and such a format will become the norm for them, even if they resist, but then these children will come to a psychologist and will sort out the reasons why they cannot create a “good union,” says Marina Protopopova.

“Having sex with others is not cheating”: a sex blogger spoke candidly about the life of polyamorous people.

So he doesn't like: 6 popular cheating myths that everyone believes (at least once in a lifetime this will affect everyone).

Right to left: the story of a family that legalized cheating for the sake of love — they became polyamorous.

What to do if you have cheated on your husband - instructions for unfaithful wives

Cheating on your husband is the most common reason our conscientious women turn to psychologists. In one case, betrayal is a one-time misunderstanding, in the other, a love triangle (there are many options for the development of events), but regardless of the situation, the woman is faced with the question - what to do next?

Should you fall at your spouse's feet and beg for forgiveness, or pretend that nothing happened in the name of the family? COLADY will introduce you to the opinion of psychologists on this difficult issue.

Photo by Pexels

Contents of the article:

Instructions for an unfaithful wife

Read also: 10 most important rules of a wise wife - so how to become a wise wife?

Why do wives cheat?

Men's attitude to cheating is surprisingly simple - "not caught - did not cheat." And talking about cheating on his wife is practically bad manners. Well, if only as a last resort, when the holes in the family boat cannot be hidden, and there is a desire to annoy the “shameless” friend of life, who is not able to appreciate either the stars or the whole world thrown at her feet.

But what about the weak half of humanity? A rare woman treats infidelity "like a man" - that is, as a normal phenomenon and under the motto "a good leftist strengthens marriage." As a rule, women cheat for certain reasons, and after that they have a hard time experiencing betrayal - with remorse, emotional throwing and vows "no more - for nothing!"

Read also: Why do men cheat on their wives?

The main reasons for female infidelity

The wife is the head of the family
This situation is not uncommon in our time. And it is with such a role in the family that a woman's chances of adultery greatly increase. In this case, there is a change in the places of the "terms", and the wife, changing the traditional worldview, decides that the right to the forbidden fruit belongs to her in fact - "I'm in charge here, and all dissatisfied dependents can go to my mother."
Physical dissatisfaction within their bed
If the sexual relationship of the spouses is a "five-minute race" in honor of March 8 (or even more often, but mechanically, for show, under an interesting series or football), then the natural course of events is an involuntary search for that who can drown out this “hunger”. As a rule, relations with this “someone” become one-time (although, sometimes, they develop into a long-playing romance), and the family collapses.
Adultery at work
And there are options. One is daringly pursued by a colleague, shamelessly wrapping her in a trail of mind-blowing perfume, “accidentally” touching her hand and winking invitingly towards the cafeteria. Sooner or later (if there are prerequisites in the form of problems in the family), the “defense” of the woman falls, and a new client for the anonymous circle “Hello, my name is Alla, I cheated on my husband” is ready. Another option is corporations. Under the influence of alcohol and rushing to the will of emotions, women do a lot of stupid things.

Photo by Pexels

Vacation - walk, walk!
In some families, oddly enough, it is customary to rest separately. Perhaps to take a break from each other and have time to miss your half. And sometimes it just doesn’t work out to go on vacation together - work keeps. As a result, the wife goes with her girlfriend and ... The sea, a warm evening, a glass of wine, hot tanned boys from another country - and the program "I'm married!" in the head goes into sleep mode.
Extreme
This option can be attributed to dissatisfaction in bed with her husband, but here everything is a little more complicated. Just stability "in bed" is not everything. There are also ladies who are simply bored without “pepper” and experiments. Extreme, exciting from head to toe, is casual sex, sex with the boss in the office, with a colleague on the desktop, with a friend in the toilet of the restaurant, etc. Of course, not all options at once (this is already a very difficult case), but one of them. And repentance with pangs of conscience usually does not happen after such a marathon. If the spouse is able to satisfy all the extreme desires of his half, then the need for treason for her simply disappears.
"Heredity"
There are many exceptions to this rule. But still, it is a proven fact that a girl, in front of whom her mother regularly changed fans, begins to believe that such behavior is the norm. And going on a spree from your husband (if you really wanted to, the cards lay down and the night is so wonderful) - it's not scary. He still doesn't know anything.
Age
Again, a rule with an exception (one size fits all revenge is impossible). But young wives are still too unstable in what they generally want from life. And a divorce in the case of a small affair usually does not scare them - “well, okay, there are people like you behind me.” Adult women are more stable in relationships. They already know that one of the pillars on which the family rests is trust. And the percentage of adultery in adult women is extremely low. Moreover, the “queue of fans” is getting shorter and shorter every year.
Long separation
Husband in the army, on a business trip, husband is a sailor or trucker, etc. Tired of loneliness (but, of course, faithful) a woman suddenly meets a man who “understands” her and is ready to lend his strong “friendly” shoulder . A strong shoulder quickly transforms into a hot embrace, into which a woman falls without even thinking. Because I've already forgotten what it's like. Of course, in the morning it will be ashamed. And before the arrival of the spouse, the woman will have time to exhaust herself with remorse so much that she either immediately admits, or by that time she will understand that there is nothing to talk about, in principle. Because "all the same, the husband is the best."
Bad example
Some women get together to cross stitch. Others discuss global problems and "how to get a child to do homework." The third of the meetings arrange a competition - who has a "brand" handbag, more expensive boots, darker tan and more lovers. There are others, of course, but the third option is the most "senseless and merciless." "Having a lover" for some girls is almost a matter of prestige. Like a nice car or a $2,000 dog. And young girls who have fallen under the influence of such ladies also begin to think that it’s normal to go on a spree from a fool-husband (their “purse with legs”).

Photo Unsplash

Revenge and resentment
Powerful factor. This is the most common reason for cheating. "An eye for an eye", treason for treason. Naturally, it is not necessary to talk about the preservation of the family in such a situation. Although it happens that such a mutual shake-up becomes for both spouses the beginning of a new stable life.
Husband's inattention
Every family has a moment of fatigue from each other or a "moment of crisis". And it depends on both whether they survive this period without shocks or disperse, tired of throwing firewood into the family hearth. As a rule, the scenario is the same: the husband no longer says affectionate words, does not make surprises, does not kiss when leaving at work, he has to be taken by storm in bed, etc. Tired of futile attempts to change the situation, the woman begins to look around. See also: Crises of family relationships - how to survive them and strengthen the family?

Instructions for an unfaithful wife - what to do after cheating on her husband?

For most women, their own infidelity is a serious test, and it is quite difficult to get out of it without losing face.

Understand the reasons that pushed you to cheat . Maybe it's time to change something in family life? Or is it time for a serious conversation with your husband? Or do you yourself demand more from your spouse than he can give you? Or maybe love just doesn't live in your house anymore? Your decision to be or not to be depends on the clarity of understanding the cause. That is, is it worth forgetting about adultery and returning to her husband's native hands, or is it time to tell him the truth and start a new life without him?

Whether to admit cheating — a psychologist's comment Elena Tolkacheva — owner of an international dating agency, expert of COLADY magazine

What a wife does after cheating depends on whether she wants to continue sailing in the family boat with her husband, whether she loves him, eats whether the feeling of guilt in front of him or she just wants to hide the traces of the "crime". Or maybe the family is generally okay with such adultery.

There are only two options for action - confess or remain silent. And under what conditions to choose the first or second, as well as what to do next, depends on the situation.

Remember, confessing is purposefully hurting a loved one. Before you decide on this, you need to think a hundred times.

If you committed adultery in order to raise your self-esteem, and at the same time do not plan to divorce your husband, then you should not admit it, even if your conscience eats you from the inside. Believe me, by telling the truth, you will not make it better for him or for yourself. And not the fact that a person will forgive. And if he forgives, he will definitely remember in any quarrel. There is a high chance of a breakup here.

In the movie "Sex and the City" the main character Carrie confessed to her husband that she kissed her former lover. After that, their family was on the verge of divorce. The second heroine Miranda's husband confessed to treason, and their family cracked. Yes, it's just a movie, but it contains real stories of people.

She has been married to her husband for 10 years. They lived quietly, without swearing, each on his own. Once a girl met a man who, unlike her husband, bathed her in attention, care, compliments and gifts. Feeling that someone really needs her, she cheated on her husband without hesitation. In the end, everything ended well: the husband did not find out about the betrayal, but he realized that he could lose her, and changed in relation to her for the better.

And this is the story of a friend of mine. Here you can see why women sometimes decide to cheat and what is the scenario.

I was approached by a man to whom his wife confessed to infidelity. She thereby wanted to draw attention to herself, it seemed to her that he was working hard. He not only could not forgive, he was disgusted to be on the same territory with her. He left the family. As he said later: “My parents lived together all their lives, I did not think that betrayal would affect me. I did everything to ensure that there was prosperity in the family. And my wife just got bored.” He loved her for three more years after the divorce ...

So, confess to cheating if:

you are caught red-handed;
you are ready to get a divorce and start a new life without a husband.

The main thing - without intimate details, with regret and the conviction that this will not happen again. Or with a proposal to divorce in a peaceful way.

Do not confess if:

you love your husband;
are sure that he will never know about an affair on the side;
betrayal occurred due to temporary clouding of the mind (alcohol, revenge on her husband for something, resentment, etc.) and you are not going to repeat;
you are ready to work on yourself and relationships so that infidelity in the family is out of the question.

When choosing this option, consider whether you can continue to live as if nothing had happened and continue to have a close relationship with your spouse.

In both cases, figure out what pushed you to cheat. Perhaps there are some problems in the family: the husband does not satisfy, you constantly quarrel, you wanted variety - in all these situations, also clarify the reasons and think over solutions. So, it's time to change something in family life. And, importantly, you need to talk about everything with your husband. Hushing up problems leads to consequences that you later want to forget about forever. And cheating is one of them.

Psychologists' advice on how to live after cheating on your husband

Photo by Pexels

Working on mistakes
Take a break from self-eating and analyze your life. If in a good company you start dancing on the table with a glass or two and you are drawn to exploits, then categorically avoid such companies and alcohol in general. If you lack variety in bed, tell your husband "all the secrets of pleasure after 10 years of marriage." He probably won't mind. If you have all the chic guys at work, and everyone’s eyes are drowning the centuries-old ice, then it’s time to look for another job. Etc.
Remember: time heals
Of course, the sediment will remain, but there is no “delete” button in our memory, so relax, stop sprinkling ashes on your head, accept betrayal as a fait accompli and live on. Still nothing to change. If it gets really bad, go to the priest for confession and do everything so that in the future you don’t even have a desire to change.
Occupy your head with more useful thoughts.
Find a hobby that helps you disengage from this "shameful moment."
Try to ignore everything that can remind you of betrayal
Do not go to the cafe where you sat with "adult", do not walk those streets and delete all data about him from your phone, address book and computer.
Dedicate yourself to your husband and family
Return often to the time when you first met your spouse (especially return to him when thoughts of that random man come to you). Cherish the feeling of love for your husband.
If you feel that you are simply torn apart by guilt, do not dump the truth on your husband
Take it to someone who will listen to you, understand and bury your secret in a cup of coffee (friend, girlfriend, parents - a close person). Relief is guaranteed to you.

Psychologist's comment Veronika Tyurina, psychologist-consultant in the field of interpersonal relations, coach, energy therapist

The topic of betrayal in itself carries a negative connotation. When it comes to male infidelity, in a certain sense, society treats this condescendingly and, in general, easily admits the fact that "all men cheat." Although this is a rather controversial statement. When it comes to female adultery, the woman is stigmatized, loudly condemned and ready to throw stones at her. D

For convenience, let's immediately define the concept of "treason": of course, this is a certain act of betrayal of someone or something. In the context of a love relationship, this is a violation of fidelity to a partner and his preference for someone else. If a woman takes this step, who are we to judge her? She takes full responsibility for this act, and then she will accept all the consequences.

What can a woman do if she cheated on her man?

Realize that she made this decision and she is responsible for it. First of all, in front of you. Since we are all social beings, we think in such categories as: honestly / not honestly, conscientiously / not conscientiously, decently / not decently. This creates feelings of guilt and shame. So, you should not dive into these poisonous feelings - what's done is done. It is important to understand this clearly.
To honestly admit to yourself and answer the question: “What is happening in my life now that I have committed adultery?” To understand the true reason for this act means to allow yourself to begin to change your life for the better, to get out of the impasse and dilemmas.
Start acting: namely, change what you don't like. As a rule, betrayal is a consequence of dissatisfaction with current relationships, the presence of internal conflicts. Start solving them: on your own or with the help of a specialist.
Go detox/take 3-5 days and do cleansing treatments and practices: very often a woman feels dirty after cheating.
Learn more