Argue with wife

All Couples Fight: 11 Therapist-Approved Tips to Argue Fairly

John Gottman, world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, says that one of the predictors of divorce occurs when a person consistently attacks her partner's character rather than isolating the specific issues that are upsetting.

So, instead of saying, "Of course you didn't do the dishes again. You're lazy!"—which will either put your partner on the defense or make him retreat or resent you—try isolating the specific complaint or issue you have. You can say something instead like, "I feel frustrated when I come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. Can we set up a schedule for our chores so this doesn't happen again?"

6. Listen more and talk less.

When we're arguing, there's a tendency to talk more than to listen. We're so eager to get our feelings out, we may not even hear what our loved one is trying to express.

Batterson says that the person who has an issue is the one that needs to be listened to. She suggests that instead of immediately defending yourself, just listen and let your partner know that you heard them.

This approach is effective because it not only shows that you were listening, but that you understand what your partner was saying or where they were coming from. You're more likely to have a more productive dialogue instead of a full blowout argument when you just listen.

7. Change what you say—and how you say it.

The reality is that most of us recycle arguments and can almost exactly predict how our partner is going to respond, as if the discussion has been scripted.

If you want to fight better, change what you say—and how you say it. Batterson agrees, "It's a good thing for people to recognize their 'dialogue demons' so they can re-frame the argument, label it, and approach it differently. Instead of pointing the finger at the other person, they can ask themselves how they're contributing to the argument and try a new approach." The important piece is that you frame your argument with respect and kindness so that you give your loved one a chance to respond in kind.

8. Resist the urge to avoid the argument.

A lot of couples might keep it to themselves when they're mad at each other because they're scared of starting potentially relationship-threatening arguments. But a recent study found that avoiding these conversations is actually more likely to harm a relationship than help it.

The survey asked 935 people in committed relationships about how they handled conflict and how fulfilling and promising their partnerships were. The results were striking: People who talked through conflicts were 10 times more likely to be happy with their relationships. As for the people who stayed silent, those who blamed their partners for the lack of communication were more likely to be unhappy.

"Those thinking about raising sensitive issues with a loved one should weigh the possible risks of speaking up against the certain risks of not speaking up," said Joseph Grenny, the bestselling author and social scientist who conducted the study. "If you don't talk out problems, you tend to act them out — and as a result, problems not only persist, they actually get worse. The biggest mistake is to fool yourself into thinking that *not *talking about concerns reduces the risk of problems—it doesn't."

9. Put yourself in your partner's shoes.

Another key tip for addressing relationship issues effectively? Put yourself in your partner's shoes by brainstorming reasons why a sensible person might behave the way they did. It will help you better understand their actions.

10. Don't threaten to leave your significant other.

It's easy to let your emotions get the best of you, but try as hard as you can not to threaten to break up or get divorced. Regardless of whether you mean it, those words can leave a lasting impact on the person who hears them, and cause them to feel insecure in the relationship long after the fight is over.

11. Never resort to physical or emotional abuse.

If a fight with your partner has ever made you feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically unsafe, that's a major red flag, according to the experts. Couples fighting is healthy only as long as it stays fair and safe.

5 Things to Avoid When Arguing with Your Wife

Let’s face it—if you’ve been married long enough, you’re bound to argue with your wife about something. And it doesn’t matter how big or how small the disagreement is. It’s not a question of if, or even when, but how you choose to argue that can prevent a molehill of a disagreement from turning into a Mount Everest of an argument.

Here are 5 things you should never do during an argument with a woman—especially your wife.

1. Hit her hot buttons.

The reason little disagreements with our wives easily escalate into full-blown arguments is we both know how to hit each other’s hot buttons. These are buttons that usually trigger a negative emotion. And we know what they are because we know our wives’ secrets, struggles, and scars. To push her buttons is like “hitting below the belt” in boxing, and in boxing, it’s illegal. So the last thing a man should do in an argument with his wife is sucker punch her by touching on her fears, doubts, insecurities, father wounds, or trauma from past relationships.

2. Involve the innocent.

One of the easiest mistakes we can make in an argument with our wives is to involve innocent bystanders. This means you should resist the urge to tell the people closest to you, especially your parents (or siblings), about the argument—at least until you’ve had some time to cool down.

This is important, because if you let your emotions get the best of you and you accidentally tarnish your wife’s reputation, the people you tell may not be as willing or ready to forgive your wife as you are. When we run to the people we love, their first reactions, typically, are to protect and defend us, not to protect our wives’ reputations. Remember, that’s our job.

3. Share it with immature friends.

The only thing worse than jeopardizing your wife’s reputation by telling innocent bystanders about your argument is sharing your argument with immature friends. And when I say “immature,” I’m not talking about age. I’m talking about friends (especially other women) who don’t have your wife’s best interest at heart.

My rule of thumb after any argument with my wife is only to share our conflict with people who are part of the solution and who will fight for our marriage as if it were their own. Also, being careful and discerning about who you share your arguments with also can prevent unnecessary arguments in the future.

4. Raise the dead.

When you’re in the middle of a heated argument with your wife, resist the urge to drag an old issue into your present discussion. Yes, I know she may do it to you, but like Gandhi once said, “Taking an eye for an eye will leave both people blind.” In other words, two wrongs won’t ever make your relationship right.

Bringing up past issues from past arguments potentially can trigger emotional wounds in your wife that may not have fully healed. This is especially true if she’s still feeling the guilt and shame of a past mistake. Instead, try to keep the current issue the main issue and let the past issue rest in peace.

5. Sit and save.

One way to avoid bringing up past issues in an argument is to avoid sitting on the issue and saving it for later. Men who are conflict avoiders or “people pleasers” usually struggle with this the most. Ignoring, wishing, and hoping an issue with your wife conveniently goes away is a recipe for a relationship disaster.

Fight for your relationship, not with each other.

Avoiding tough conversations only will lead to escalated arguments because of the tendency to stockpile anger, bitterness, and frustration toward your wife. So instead, wisely confront the issue early, because if you don’t, that proverbial elephant in the room potentially could turn into a lion and devour the both of you.

Arguments, disagreements, and conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but they don’t ever have to destroy your marriage. So, fight for your relationship, not with each other.

Sound off: What other pitfalls should we avoid in arguments with our wives?

The habit of arguing destroys life.

Or how to improve your relationship with your wife.

— Listen, brother, how is it that when I argue with my wife, she always turns out to be right? All women are somehow correct, they develop faster than us, and they are cleaner, and in general they are always right. Teach me how to get out of disputes with my wife at least sometimes right, I see you do it well. And your relationship is great. How can I improve my relationship with my wife and still be right?

- Brother - this is a difficult question, not for one conversation. It cannot be solved quickly, it must be done gradually, step by step. If you have patience, then everything will work out and you will improve your relationship with your wife. and you will be more successful in life. Let's start small. nine0003

Sometimes I come to visit you, or you to my wife and I, and I see how you constantly either argue with her, or run into an argument, and all disputes that cannot be won.

- Yes, I do not run into. I do not argue - this is the wife clinging to words.

— Why are you so nervous when there is a normal conversation?

- Yes, I'm not nervous, but I'm just expressing my point of view.

— Well, now, if you really want to solve your problem and improve your relationship with your wife, then keep quiet for a while. Look, within one minute you argued with me twice. The first time he said that "you don't argue", the second time that you "don't get nervous". nine0003

Let's say now a dispute would start about whether you constantly run into disputes or not, and if we recorded this conversation on a dictaphone and listened to the recording, you would definitely lose. Do you agree? Well, I see that I agree. This is your very gross mistake, running into disputes, where you will definitely lose. This mistake in your conversation is very frequent, several times in 5-10 minutes. Sometimes the wife or someone else grabs this stupidity and starts to "teach" you. And then you think, "why do I always find myself in an argument with my wife wrong. " nine0003

It would be nice if you were just "taught", and that was it. You have already begun to annoy your wife, and your colleagues, and even me with your disputes. You probably think that everyone's only dream is to find a reason to argue with you? On the contrary, people love silence.

You should rarely argue, and only in those cases when your positions in the dispute are strong and there is no other way out.

Okay, enough discussion for today. Do you know that the Koreans launched a second ballistic missile? nine0003

- I read about it. But they launched not a second, but a third missile, and not a ballistic one, but a medium-range one.

- So I caught you again.

— What, I just continued your thought.

- You argued with me again. You're basically telling me that I'm wrong and you start arguing with me.

- But you're wrong, I just clarified.

- Your "clarifications" are of no interest to me at all, you understand

this once and for all.

So I was talking about Korea, and I wanted to continue about America. From the point of view of this conversation, it does not matter at all how many missiles and which ones Korea launched. And so almost always. Not only to me, but also at 9In 9% of cases, your knowledge and “clarifications” are not needed and uninteresting to anyone. They only annoy and distract from the essence of the conversation.

Stop, don't interrupt, keep your objections and be quiet for a while. I used to have the same habit as you - constantly telling people the opposite of what they said, or "clarifying" their thought, teaching. Apparently, this habit came from parents to both of us. If you add to this your huge store of knowledge, you get an unsightly picture. You really read and know a lot, and from this your life, with the habit of arguing, only gets worse. nine0003

The habit of arguing is the habit that can destroy a family, a career, friendships, even if you are perfect in everything else. By arguing, you hurt your wife or friends, especially when you really know more and turn out to be “right”. The worst thing is that these resentments of your wife against you do not resolve, but accumulate over the years. In a few years, any of your remarks “on the contrary” or “clarification” can be perceived as an explosion of emotions, or a divorce. And you will think about how “nervous” your wife is, or your friends have changed. nine0003

I, as I said, also had a habit of speaking backwards, or "specifying." I was lucky, one of my acquaintances pointed out to me this "feature" of mine. For several months, I processed in myself the desire to argue and interrupt people. It radically and immediately changed my whole life, including family. The house became quiet and comfortable, the dishes stopped beating, there were no screams and hourly disputes for nothing. Read more about what else can improve your relationship with your wife in the article “Women love with their ears”.

The most disgusting thing about the habit of arguing is that you don't even notice when you said "on the contrary" or "clarified" an idea. When you begin to notice this in yourself, then this is the first, huge step towards success. Then gradually discard them.

In a few months it will become easier for you to live not only with your wife, but also with friends and colleagues. Once again I say, with friends and at work, the habit of arguing does not always immediately affect. In the family, everything is different, you are always together together, and constant disputes are annoying. The “arguer” is a bad family man, regardless of his other personal qualities. nine0003

Remove the habit of arguing with or without, and your family life will flourish, and the ability to win in an argument will not be needed. Hold on, brother. And most importantly, remember that you often argue out of self-doubt.

The article is protected by copyright and related rights. When using and reprinting material active link on the women's site sun-hands.ru is required!

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.

7 good reasons why it's so hard for a man to argue with a woman / Bright Side

There is a popular joke: "Humanity knows a thousand ways to argue with a woman - and none of them work." But it's not just about the female gift of persuasion: even a slight difference in the perception of events or someone else's speech builds a barrier between us and the opposite sex.

en studied the latest research and found 7 scientifically sound reasons that explain why it is so difficult for a man and a woman to come to an agreement.

Small things are important for women, the big picture is important for men

Girls really remember faces, voices and smells, specific objects, and even individual words and phrases better. Therefore, the girl remembers better who did what, where he went, what he said and with what kind of intonation. In any dispute, a woman will definitely remember some fact that will help her win.

In men, memory works a little differently: they remember general information and discard everything that they consider unnecessary. These are just the little things that are important for women. Men are not interested in details, they remember the whole picture - but they can ignore the details and once again not bother themselves. nine0003

Women are better at remembering unpleasant situations, while men are better at neutral ones

When a woman worries, she unconsciously puts her memory on alert: stressful, difficult life moments are remembered to the smallest detail. At the same time, men and women will remember ordinary events equally, but men’s memory considers moments of unrest not so important. It's just that women have a different memory.

For example, a husband made a scandal to his wife and a week later tries to deny the hurtful words he said. Nothing will come of the man: the woman literally memorized everything that was addressed to her, and she will certainly quote all the insults to the offender. But in the reverse situation, it will be more difficult for a young man to remember all the claims made by his girlfriend. nine0003

Women are more sensitive to emotions

Women feel any change in voice, see nervousness in movements and are especially good at recognizing other people's fear. That is why a girl can quickly bring an unfaithful groom to clean water: you only need to ask one question and watch the reaction.

Innate empathy helps girls feel other people's insecurities, identify the opponent's weak point and successfully use it against him. Sometimes women take their own conclusions for intuition, but in reality they just know how to observe. nine0003

Men listen more than observe: they are interested in the direct meaning of women's words, they pay less attention to women's emotions and facial expressions.

Hints are a woman’s weapon that drives a man crazy

Every woman, almost from birth, is able to connect seemingly completely different things: for example, to draw a direct parallel between a man’s happiness and her new dress, yes that you can't argue!

But often the use of hints by women terribly annoys men: why not speak directly about your desires, why do girls always speak in riddles? Men think very differently: they think in a straight line and rely on logic. Therefore, girls and young people so often cannot understand each other: the woman is sure that her hint was heard, and the man did not understand that someone was hinting at something at all. nine0003

Different reactions in stressful situations

A woman maintains mental balance and better control over herself, even when something threatens her: surprisingly, at critical moments, young people panic much more often. The same goes for arguments and skirmishes: a man is more impulsive and may even yell at a woman who disagrees with him.

Both of them can arrange loud showdowns, but men in such situations control themselves somewhat worse. Therefore, during a stormy scandal, it is almost impossible for a man to argue, and a woman can only remain silent. nine0003

Men and women hear each other differently

Men during a conversation, and at other times too, are interested in actions, goals and results. During listening, their left brain hemisphere is active, so representatives of the strong half of humanity highlight the facts that are needed to complete a task. Men miss all the details, which, on the contrary, are especially interesting for women.

But for women, the opposite is true: when talking, they pay attention not only to the intonation and facial expressions of the interlocutor, but also to the details, casually mentioned facts and random phrases. And this happens precisely because while listening, the representatives of the beautiful half of humanity have both hemispheres active: they perfectly hear the essence and at the same time read the subtext. nine0060 That is why a girl will never miss a man's mention of a strange woman.

On the other hand, this ability also harms the ladies themselves: out of habit, they sometimes try to look for a double meaning where it simply does not exist. Men, on the other hand, are lost from persistent female interrogation and sometimes they cannot even justify themselves, despite the fact that they are not guilty of anything.

A man needs recognition of his victory, and a woman needs mutual understanding

During an argument, it is vital for a man to prove his case, and it is not even a matter of stubbornness.

Learn more