Am i a controlling parent

Controlling Parents - 20 Signs And Why They Are Harmful

Having a sense of autonomy and control is essential to our health and well-being¹. However, in the last two decades, there has been a disturbing decrease in sense of control among college students². They believe their lives are controlled by forces outside of themselves. Having controlling mothers or fathers is, at least in part, a prevalent source of such helplessness.

Types of Parental Control

There are two types of parental control – behavioral control and psychological control.

Behavioral Control

Behavioral control refers to supervising and managing children’s behavior. These overbearing parents discipline their kids’ behavior, monitor their whereabouts, and oversee their social life³. Behavioral control is intended to regulate children’s behaviors to conform to the prevailing family or social norms.

Autonomy and regulation are both essential in a child’s development. Autonomy allows a child to develop a separate identity away from their parents. This process of individuation is particularly important during adolescence when teenagers are getting prepared for adulthood⁴.

At the same time, parents need to provide adequate structure for the child to learn to inhibit disruptive behavior and engage in socially acceptable behavior⁵. Structure and guidance in behavior are necessary to facilitate favorable personality development.

Behavioral control, to a certain extent, is paramount in a child’s healthy development. It aims to monitor, teach and regulate appropriate behavior.

However, when parents go overboard and control every minute detail of their children’s behavior, they become over controlling parents⁶.

Psychological control

Psychological control refers to intruding into children’s emotional and psychological development. Controlling parents are nonresponsive to their children’s emotional and psychological needs. They constrain, invalidate, and manipulate the kids’ psychological experiences. They also stifle the independent expression of emotions⁷.

These controlling parents manipulate children’s feelings, thoughts, or ideas through the parent-child relationship using guilt, love withdrawal, showing disappointment, disapproval, and shaming⁸. In addition, they want to keep their kids emotionally dependent and enmeshed with them⁹.

Psychologically controlling parents are experienced by their children as being intrusive, overprotective, possessive, directive, and controlling through guilt¹⁰.

Ways of Controlling

Children can experience parental control differently depending on what measures controlling parents use. Here are two orientations of controlling practice.

Internally Controlling

Psychological control is often exerted through subtle, non-verbal cues. These parents appeal primarily to forces and regulations that reside within the child, such as when parents activate feelings of shame and guilt.

Because the control is more internal, covert, and nonobvious, most psychological control measures are internally controlling parenting practices.

Externally Controlling

Externally controlling parenting is done in an open and overt fashion. Shouting, hitting, punishing, and rewarding are the common strategies used to coerce children with external contingencies.

Psychological control is not always internally controlling. Some parents engage in personal attacks or erratic emotional behavior such as alternating between caring for and attacking their children.

Harsh parenting, helicopter parenting, and strict parenting are all externally controlling parenting types. All of these parenting styles are authoritarian parenting styles.

Signs of Controlling Parents

Whether a parent is controlling depends on a combination of several factors¹¹:

type of control (behavioral vs psychological)
way of control (internally controlling vs externally controlling)
level of control (moderate vs high)
the temperament of the child (does the child perceive them as controlling)

Despite the complexities, there are some parenting practices that are considered controlling “on average”.

Signs of controlling parents include:

Demand blind obedience and conformity
Do not allow children to participate in or question the parents’ decisions
Do not let their child make their own decisions
Do not encourage choice or independence
Dictate every aspect of the child’s life
“Help” the child without being asked
Use reasons such as “because I said so” to discipline
Believe children should be seen, but not heard
Manipulate and exploit the parent-child bond, through such as guilt induction or love withdrawal
Discipline through punishment and coercion
Use negative, affect-laden expressions and criticisms, such as disappointment and shame
Criticize any choices their child make
Unrealistically high standards and expectations
Many rigid rules
Arbitrarily add rules for more control
Lack of empathy for their child
Refuse to see things from their child’s perspective

Believe they are always right
Always tell you what to do
Do not respect your privacy

Also See: Narcissistic Parents – 11 Effects and How To Heal

Psychological Effects of Controlling Parenting

Psychologists have found that different controlling factors can cause different impacts on children, especially adolescents.

Lack of behavioral control has long been associated with behavioral problems. These kids act out more and are less capable of inhibiting disruptive behavior.

A moderate amount of behavioral regulation and monitoring is good for children. Enforcing boundaries and monitoring are associated with positive outcomes such as less acting out and better academic performance¹².

But when the control is at a high level, the negative impact on children’s development can be long-lasting⁷ whether it’s behavioral or psychological. At high levels of behavioral or psychological control, adolescents feel that they are incompetent and they don’t matter⁶.

Parents who are very behaviorally controlling undermine their children’s confidence in their abilities. Excessive parental assistance during tasks and interrupting a child’s problem-solving communicate doubt regarding the child’s competencies. As a result, these children suffer from lower self-esteem. They are less self-regulated, higher in acting out, and lower in academic achievement^13,14.

Many psychologists believe that psychological control is particularly damaging to a child. The insidiously manipulative tactics used by an internally controlling father or overbearing mother can induce feelings of undue loyalty towards parents to comply with their authority.

These children’s compliance is driven by a desire to avoid feeling guilty or losing their parents’ love11. So when they are rejected by their parents, they feel resentment. This mixture of ambiguous and conflicting feelings toward parents creates a sense of inner tension. Children of psychologically controlling parents are more prone to suffer from low self-esteem, and mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression¹⁵, and antisocial behavior¹⁶.

On the other hand, externally controlling parents have different impacts on their children. Kids model their behavior after their parents’ behavior. Externally controlled children frequently witness their parents engaging in overt aggressive and controlling behaviors. They are more prone to physical aggression towards others¹⁷. They are more likely to become bullies or victims of bullying. They also tend to pass this type of harsh parenting to the next generation¹⁸.

How To Deal With Controlling Parents

“Why are my parents trying to control my life?”

If you’re an unfortunate child who has controlling parents, I sympathize.

It is hard for children or teenagers to deal with controlling parenting on their own because they are completely relying on their parents. Asking for counseling at school or requesting to see a therapist can provide the support to get through this.

Some kids also use negotiation as a more autonomous way of coping¹⁹.

Also see: How to Deal With a Controlling Parent as a Teenager

If you were or have been a controlling parent, the best thing to do for your child is to seek professional help for yourself. Children usually employ one of two non-autonomous ways of coping – compulsive compliance or oppositional defiance. Neither one is good for your child.

If you’re a grownup, having a controlling parent can make you feel disrespected¹⁶. Unfortunately, research shows that controlling parenting behavior is unlikely to change over time²⁰. If you suffer from depressive or anxiety symptoms, seek professional help as soon as possible. When looking for therapeutic help, look for one who is proficient in relational therapy²¹ and in dealing with controlling parent issues.

Also see: How adult children can recover from authoritarian parenting

References

1.
Dreher D, Feldman D, Numan R. Controlling Parents Survey. College Student Affairs Journal. 2014;32(1):97-111.
2.
Twenge JM, Zhang L, Im C. It’s Beyond My Control: A Cross-Temporal Meta-Analysis of Increasing Externality in Locus of Control, 1960-2002. Pers Soc Psychol Rev. Published online August 2004:308-319. doi:10.1207/s15327957pspr0803_5
3.
Ballash N, Leyfer O, Buckley AF, Woodruff-Borden J. Parental Control in the Etiology of Anxiety. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev. Published online November 7, 2006:113-133. doi:10.1007/s10567-006-0007-z
4.
Marcia JE. Identity in adolescence. Handbook of adolescent psychology. 1980;9(11).
5.
Lamborn SD, Mounts NS, Steinberg L, Dornbusch SM. Patterns of Competence and Adjustment among Adolescents from Authoritative, Authoritarian, Indulgent, and Neglectful Families. Child Development. Published online October 1991:1049. doi:10.2307/1131151
6.
Kakihara F, Tilton-Weaver L. Adolescents’ Interpretations of Parental Control: Differentiated by Domain and Types of Control. Child Development. Published online November 2009:1722-1738. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01364.x
7.
Barber BK. Parental Psychological Control: Revisiting a Neglected Construct. Child Development . Published online December 1996:3296. doi:10.2307/1131780
8.
Barber BK, Harmon EL. Violating the self: Parental psychological control of children and adolescents. In: Intrusive Parenting: How Psychological Control Affects Children and Adolescents. American Psychological Association; 2002:15-52. doi:10.1037/10422-002
9.
Pettit G, Laird R, Dodge K, Bates J, Criss M. Antecedents and behavior-problem outcomes of parental monitoring and psychological control in early adolescence. Child Dev. 2001;72(2):583-598. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00298
10.
Schaefer ES. A configurational analysis of children’s reports of parent behavior. Journal of Consulting Psychology. Published online 1965:552-557. doi:10.1037/h0022702
11.
Soenens B, Vansteenkiste M. A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review. Published online March 2010:74-99. doi:10.1016/j.dr.2009.11.001
12.
Bean RA, Bush KR, McKenry PC, Wilson SM. The Impact of Parental Support, Behavioral Control, and Psychological Control on the Academic Achievement and Self-Esteem of African American and European American Adolescents. Journal of Adolescent Research. Published online September 2003:523-541. doi:10.1177/0743558403255070
13.
Grolnick WS, Ryan RM. Parent styles associated with children’s self-regulation and competence in school. Journal of Educational Psychology. Published online 1989:143-154. doi:10.1037/0022-0663.81.2.143
14.
Ginsburg GS, Bronstein P. Family Factors Related to Children’s Intrinsic/Extrinsic Motivational Orientation and Academic Performance. Child Development. Published online October 1993:1461. doi:10.2307/1131546
15.
McClure EB, Brennan PA, Hammen C, Le Brocque RM. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. Published online 2001:1-10. doi:10.1023/a:1005260311313
16.
Barber BK, Xia M, Olsen JA, McNeely CA, Bose K. Feeling disrespected by parents: Refining the measurement and understanding of psychological control. Journal of Adolescence. Published online April 2012:273-287. doi:10.1016/j.adolescence.2011.10.010
17.
Joussemet M, Vitaro F, Barker ED, et al. Controlling Parenting and Physical Aggression During Elementary School. Child Development. Published online March 2008:411-425. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2007.01133.x
18.
Simons RL, Whitbeck LB, Conger RD, Wu C. Intergenerational transmission of harsh parenting. Developmental Psychology. Published online 1991:159-171. doi:10.1037/0012-1649.27.1.159
19.
Kuczynski L, Kochanska G. Development of children’s noncompliance strategies from toddlerhood to age 5. Developmental Psychology. Published online 1990:398-408. doi:10.1037/0012-1649.26.3.398
20.
Barber BK, Maughan SL, Olsen JA. Patterns of Parenting across Adolescence. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. 2005;108:5-16.
21.
Jordan JV. A Relational Approach to Psychotherapy. Women & Therapy. Published online June 13, 1995:51-61. doi:10.1300/j015v16n04_05

6 Signs of Controlling Parenting and Why It Is Harmful

There are different styles of child rearing and, unfortunately, the controlling style is one of the most prevalent. Here, instead of gently guiding the childs authentic self, the parent tries to make and mold the child into whatever they think the child should be.

As the term implies, the core indication of controlling parenting is a controlling approach towards the child. The controlling parenting style is sometimes also called authoritarian or helicopter parenting, and this is because the parent is acting in an authoritarian manner or is hovering over the child and controlling their every move. The methods used to implement it involve violating the childs boundaries or not meeting the childs true needs.

Signs of the Controlling Parenting Style

1. Unrealistic expectations and doomed to fail scenarios

The child is expected to meet irrational, unhealthy, or simply unattainable standards, and is punished if and when they dont. For example, your father tells you to do something but never explains how to do it, and then becomes angry if you cant do it properly or immediately.

Oftentimes the child is set up for failure and they will experience negative consequences regardless of what they do and how they do it. For instance, your mother commands you to run to the store quickly to get groceries when its raining and then is upset when you come home wet.

2. Unreasonable, unilateral rules and regulations

Instead of talking to their children, negotiating, taking time to explain things, setting principles that apply to all members of the family and society, controlling parents set strict rules that apply only to the child, or only to certain people. These rules are unilateral, unreasonable, and unprincipled, and oftentimes dont even have a proper explanation.

Go clean your room! But why? Because I said so!

Dont smoke! But you smoke, dad. Dont argue with me and do what I say not what I do!

Instead of appealing to the childs self-interest, its an appeal to the power disparity between the parent and the child.

3. Punishments and controlling behavior

When the child is unwilling to comply or fails to match whatever is expected from them, they are controlled and punished. Again, often without any explanations except for Im your parent! or Youre bad!

There are two types of controlling and punishing behavior.

One: active or overt, which includes physical force, yelling, invading privacy, intimidation, threats, or restriction of movement.

And two: passive or covert, which is manipulation, guilt-tripping, shaming, playing the victim, and so on.

So the child is either simply forced to comply or is manipulated into compliance. And if they fail, they are punished for disobedience and imperfection.

4. Lack of empathy, respect, and caring

In authoritarian environments, instead of being accepted as an equal human being, the child is generally seen as a subordinate. In contrast, the parent and other authority figures are seen as superiors. The child is also not allowed to question this dynamic or challenge the parents authority. This hierarchical dynamic manifests itself in lack of empathy, of respect, of warmth, and of caring for the child.

Most parents are usually able to meet the childs physical, basic needs (food, shelter, clothing), yet they are either emotionally unavailable, severely lacking, overbearing, or selfish. This feedback that the child receives in a form of punishments and controlling treatment is damaging to their sense of self-worthand identity.

5. Role-reversal

Since many controlling parents have strong narcissistic tendencies, they consciously or unconsciously believe that its the childs purpose and responsibility to meet the parents needs, not vice versa. They see the child as property and as an object that is here to serve their needs and preferences. As a result, in many scenarios the child is forced to fit the role of a parent, and the parent takes on the role of a child.

This role-reversal manifests where the child is treated as a surrogate parentto the parent or to other family members. Here, the child is expected to take care of their parents emotional, economic, physical, or even sexual needs and wants. If the child is unwilling or unable to do so, again, they are seen as being bad and are punished, forced, or manipulated into compliance.

6. Infantilizing

Since controlling parents dont see their child as a separate, individual entity, oftentimes they raise the child to be dependent. This treatment negatively affects the child’s sense of self-esteem,competency, and individuality.

Because the parent believes and behaves as though the child is inferior and incapable to live according to their own self-interest, he or shethinks that they know whats best for the child, even when the child is capable of making their own decisions and take calculated risks.

Itfosters dependency and stunts the childs natural development because the child never develops adequate boundaries, self-responsibility, and a strong sense of identity.On a psychological, usually unconscious level, by not letting the child grow into a strong, competent, self-sufficient human being the parent keeps the child tied to them tighter in order to continue to get their needs met (see #5).

Such a childusually has problems making their own decisions, building competency, or creating respectful and fulfilling relationships. Theyoften suffer from self-underestimation, over-attachement, approval seeking behavior, indecisiveness, dependency on others, and numerous other emotional and behavioral problems.

In the next article, we will talk more about why controlling parenting is not a viable nor effective approach.

Were your parents, teachers, or other authority figures controlling? How was it for you growing up in such an environment? Feel free to let us know in the comments below or write about it in your journal.

Photo credit: Piers Nye

SUPERVISING PARENT AND CARING PARENT - CyberPedia

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On some occasions when I was a child, my parents told me what to do, controlled or criticized me. "Go to sleep! Don't run out on the road! Blow your nose! Smart, stupid, good, capricious, honest, dishonest... “When I act like this, copying my parents in this role, I am in Controlling Parent (sometimes also called Critical Parent ).

On other occasions, my parents protected and cared for me. Mother hugged me tightly, Father read to me at bedtime. When I fell and hurt my knee, one of my parents comforted me and put on a bandage. When I reenact my parents' behaviors in caring for me, I am in Nurturing Parent ( Caring Parent ).

We depict this binary division of the functional Parent by dividing this ego-state into two halves, as in the case of the Child (see figure 3.1).

POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE CONTROL AND

EDUCATIONAL PARENT

Some TA authors distinguish between positive and negative subsections in each part of the Parent. (Again, the terms "OK" and "not OK" are sometimes used instead of the indicated names.) They claim we are at positive Controlling Parent when our Parental directives towards other people are sincerely aimed at protecting or maintaining health. The doctor may order the patient: “Quit smoking! Smoking is bad for you." In this case, he plays one of the commands that he took as a child from his parents: “Do not cross the street in front of nearby traffic!”.

Negative Controlling Parent describes Parental behavior, ignoring the other person. The boss who yells at his secretary, “You made a mistake again!” may be mimicking the tone and gestures of the exasperated schoolteacher who told him the same thing when he was six years old.

Positive Nurturing Parent caring and helping out of a position of genuine respect for the person being helped. Negative Nurturing Parent means that "help" comes from a position of superiority that ignores the other person. The behavior of a positive Nurturing Parent can be expressed in the following appeal to a work colleague: “Do you need help? If yes, then let me know.” The Negative Parent walks up to his colleague and says, “Listen, I will help you with this,” takes the work from his hands and does it himself. The Benevolent Mother is a classic example of a negative Nurturing Parent.

Reflecting back on the day, note the times you behaved like a Controlling Parent to others. On what occasions have you come from a positive Controlling Parent? Negative Controlling Parent? Do you remember which parent or parent figure you copied on each occasion?

Do the same for the times you were a positive or negative Nurturing Parent.

In one minute, write down the words that you think describe a person who is in a positive Controlling Parent. (In a group, do this in one minute by brainstorming).

ADULT

In the functional model, the Adult is usually not subdivided into its component parts. Any behavior is characterized as Adult if there is a reaction to the situation here and now using all the resources of an adult personality.

So, we have considered the entire functional model shown in Figure 3.1.

In order to determine which functional ego state you are using, I need to analyze your behavior. For this reason, these functional units can also be called behavioral descriptions .

EGOGRAMS

What role do these parts of ego states play in your personality? Jack Dusay developed an intuitive way of representing ego states, calling it egogram .

In order to make an egogram, you must first draw a horizontal line. Then write on it the names of the five component functional ego states. In order not to write them in full, use initial letters. Thus, the Controlling Parent is designated CR, the Free Child is SR, and so on. Write them in accordance with Fig.3.2.

The idea behind the egogram is to draw a bar above the name of each ego state. The height of the bar indicates how long you spend in each functional area.

Start with what you use the most and draw a vertical bar. Then draw a bar over the part you think you use the least. Let the relative height of the two bars match your intuitive estimate of the relative amount of time you spend in each ego state.

3.2.

For example, if I think I am in Adult most of the time and Nurturing Parent the least, I can draw the first two bars as shown in Figure 3.3.

Then complete the egogram by drawing the remaining three columns. Let the height of each be indicative of the relative time you spend in that part of the ego state. My complete egogram may look like the one shown in Figure 3.4.

Fig.3.3. Fig. 3.4.

The exact height of each bar is not that important. The main thing is the relative height of each column compared to others.

Jack Dusay does not suggest dividing the bars into positive and negative parts. However, this may be of some interest. It is possible to shade part of the CR, BP, SD and BP bars in order to show “negative”, then the unshaded part will show “positive”. For example, I find that most of my time in Adapted Child is spent positively following rules. In the uncensored Free Child, my behaviors generally also lead to pleasant and productive results. I rarely find myself in Nurturing Parent, however, when I do, I almost never treat people negatively. I am often in Controlling Parent and most of the time in this state I use positive ways to control other people. My final egogram is shown in Figure 3.5.

Fig.3.5.

And now make your own egogram.

If you are working in a group, share your thoughts with the other members of the group when drawing up the egogram. Work quickly and intuitively.

What did you learn about yourself?

Some people find that a compiled egogram suits them in every situation. Others believe that they need to draw two or even more different egograms. Perhaps they will get a “home” and “working” egogram. If that works for you, then draw both diagrams. What have you learned about yourself?

Explain the resulting diagrams to someone who knows you well. Ask him to draw your egogram. What did you learn by comparing his chart with yours?

CONSTANTITY HYPOTHESIS

Jack Dusay put forward the hypothesis of constancy The change in the distribution of psychic energy occurs in such a way that the total amount of energy remains constant. ”

According to Dusay, the best way to change the egogram is to start increasing the part that I want to increase. In this case, the energy will automatically move there from other parts that I want to lower somewhat.

Suppose, looking at my egogram, I decide to be more of a Nurturing Parent than a Controlling Parent. I'm starting to use more of the Nurturing Parent behavior. Perhaps patting someone on the back once a day, or at work, I openly offer my help instead of ordering people. I am not doing anything to reduce the behavior of the Controlling Parent. Under the constancy hypothesis, I would expect it to decrease by itself as more energy is put into the Nurturing Parent.

Do you want to change something in your egogram?

If yes, which bar needs to be raised to achieve this change?

Write down at least five new behaviors that you can use to increase this ego state and start practicing these behaviors next week.

Then draw your egogram again. If possible, have a person you know well draw your egogram. (Don't tell him what changes you plan to make to the egogram). Does your new egogram conform to the constancy hypothesis?

Chapter 4. Structural model of the second order of

in the functional model considered in the previous chapter, we divided the ego state to designate as They are manifested in the behavior - they are Process . And now, when considering the structural second-order model, we will investigate what ego-states are - there are 9 of them0035 content .

I begin to perceive the world around me from the moment of birth and keep this experience in my memory.

Do we store every moment of our life experience in memory? Can we remember everything? Nobody can say for sure about this. It is also not entirely clear how this storage is carried out. We know for sure that every person keeps the memory of his past. Some things are easy to remember, others hard. The memory of our early childhood in particular can only be resurrected in our dreams or fantasies.

Each of us has countless impressions of thoughts, feelings, behaviors that lie deep in our memory. The goal of the second-order structural model is to classify our memory in a form convenient for us within the framework of the familiar ego-state model.

If you like, the second-order structural model can be thought of as one of the office systems . Imagine a businessman sitting at a table. Every day he deals with various documents - letters, responses to them, invoices, internal documents, etc. At the end of the working day, he does not throw all these papers into the wastebasket, but files them into various folders.

It's clear why he does this. With the help of a record keeping system, he can organize information in such a way that it will be useful in his business. Let's assume for a second that he needs to pull up the financial statements. To do this, he just needs to find the “accounts” folder and they are ready for the accountant to check.

Similarly, the TA uses a second-order structural model to organize a person's memory traces of their thoughts, feelings, and behavior in a way that is useful in analyzing personality through structural analysis.

The second-order structural model is shown in Figure 4.1. How does it function as a “workflow system”?

Fig. 4.1. Second Order Structural Model

As children, we all receive messages from our parents. With every message we receive, there is a certain way of thinking and certain fantasies that we form in accordance with this message. In connection with this message, we experience certain feelings and we decide how we will respond to it. In addition, our parents may give us reasons why this message should be considered important. Together with openly conveyed feelings, they can also convey feelings that have a hidden connotation.

In the second-order structural model, the messages we receive from our parents or parental figures are “embedded” in P3. The reasons why they consider them important to us are stored in B3. And any secret or hidden subtext is in D3.

Our own opinion about messages becomes part of our B2 content.

Our fantasies about what will happen if we follow these messages or not become part of P1. The feelings we experience in response to our fantasies are stored in C1, and our early decisions about what we will do come from C1.

In the following sections, we will take a closer look at these “fillable components” of the model.

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Controlling Parent and Nurturing Parent - Studiopedia

When I was a child, my parents sometimes told me what I should and should not do, controlled or criticized me: “Go to sleep! Don't run out on the road! Blow your nose! Smart, stupid, good, capricious, honest, dishonest ... ". When I do this, repeating my parents, I am in the Controlling (Critical) Parent.

On other occasions my parents protected and cared for me. For example, I fell and hurt my knee, and they consoled me and put a bandage on me. When I enact this behavior from my parents, I am in Nurturing Parent.

We depict two parts of the functional Parent, dividing this ego-state into two halves, as in the case of the Child (see figure 3. 1).

Positive and negative Controlling and Nurturing Parent. Some TA authors distinguish between positive and negative subsections in each Parent part. (Sometimes the terms OK and not OK are used instead of the above names.) They argue that we are in a positive Controlling Parent when our parental directives towards other people are sincerely aimed at protecting them or maintaining their health. The doctor may order the patient: “Quit smoking! Smoking is bad for you." In this case, he loses one of the commands that he received as a child from his parents: “Do not cross the street in front of nearby vehicles!”.

Negative Controlling Parent describes parental behaviors that ignore the other person. The boss who yells at his secretary, “You made a mistake again!” may be mimicking the tone and gestures of the exasperated school teacher who told him the same thing.

Positive Nurturing Parent cares and helps, respecting the person being helped. The Negative Nurturing Parent provides help from a position of superiority, ignoring the other person. The behavior of a positive Nurturing Parent can be expressed in the following appeal to a colleague: “Do you need help? If yes, then let me know." The Negative Parent walks up to his colleague and says, “Listen, I will help you with this,” takes his work and does it himself. The Benevolent Mother is a classic example of a negative Nurturing Parent.

Exercise. Looking back at the past day, note the times you behaved like a Controlling Parent towards others. On what occasions have you come from a positive Controlling Parent? Negative Controlling Parent? Do you remember which parent or parent figure you copied on each occasion? Do the same for times when you were a positive or negative Nurturing Parent. In one minute, write down the words that you think describe a person who is in a positive Controlling Parent.

Adult. In the functional model, the Adult is usually not subdivided into its component parts. Any behavior is characterized as adult if it is a reaction to the situation "here and now" using all the resources of an adult personality.

So, we have considered the entire functional model shown in fig.3.1 .

In order to determine what functional ego state you are in, you need to analyze your behavior. Therefore, these functional divisions can also be called behavioral descriptions.

Egograms. In order to show what role these parts of ego states play in your personality, Jack Dusay developed an intuitive way of representing ego states, calling it an egogram. In order to compose an egogram, first draw a horizontal line. Then write on it the names of the five main functional ego states. In order not to write them out in full, use the initial letters: Controlling Parent is designated CR, Free Child - SD, etc. Write them according to fig. 3.2.

HELL

Fig. 3.2

The idea of the egogram is to draw a bar above the name of each ego state. The height of the bar indicates how long you spend in each functional area. First, draw a bar over the part of your ego state that you are most in. Then - over the part in which you are the least. Let the height of the two bars match your intuitive estimate of the relative amount of time you spend in each ego state.

For example, if I believe that I am in the Adult most of the time and the Nurturing Parent the least, I can draw the first two bars as shown in Figure . 3.3.

Finish the egogram by drawing the remaining three bars. Let the height of each be indicative of the relative time you spend in that part of the ego state. My complete egogram may be the one shown in Figure . 3.4.

Fig. 3.3

Fig. 3.4

The exact height of the column is not that important. The main thing is the relative height of each column compared to others.

Jack Dusay does not suggest dividing the bars into positive and negative parts. However, this may be of some interest. It is possible to paint over part of the bars of CR, BP, SD and BP in order to show "negative", then the unshaded part will show "positive". For example, I find that I spend most of my time in the Adapted Child on positive rule following. In the uncensored Free Child, my behaviors generally also produce pleasurable and productive (i.e., positive) results. I rarely find myself in Nurturing Parent, but when I do, I almost never treat people negatively. I am often in Controlling Parent and most of the time I am in this state using positive ways to control other people. My final egogram is shown at fig. 3.5.

Fig. 3.5

Exercise. Make up your egogram. If you are working in a group, then share your thoughts with another member of the group when compiling the egogram. Work quickly and intuitively. What have you learned about yourself?

Some people find that a compiled egogram suits them in every situation. Others believe that they need to draw two or more different egograms. Perhaps they will get a “home” and “working” egogram. If that works for you, then draw both. What have you learned about yourself? Explain the resulting egograms to a person who knows you well. Ask him to draw your egogram. What did you learn by comparing his egogram with yours?

Constancy hypothesis. Jack Dusay put forward the constancy hypothesis: “When one ego-state increases in intensity, the other or others must decrease to compensate. The change in the distribution of psychic energy takes place in such a way that the total amount of energy remains constant. Therefore, the best way to change the egogram is to start increasing the part that I want to increase. In this case, the energy will automatically move there from other parts that I want to lower somewhat. Suppose, looking at my egogram, I decide to be more Nurturing than Controlling Parent and I start using the Nurturing Parent behavior more.

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