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Afraid of getting married


‘I’m Terrified of Getting Married!’

‘I’m Terrified of Getting Married!’

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Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher

Dear Therapist,

I’m 32 and I’m dead scared of getting married. Most women I talk to who have been married for a while aren’t happy, and most of the men aren’t either. I’m wondering why we even get married in the first place.

Everyone I’ve talked to seems trapped. They stop being themselves, they lose their passions, and become kind of owned by that other person. And doesn’t everyone get tired of having sex with the same person? Especially men? If I’m with the same person for years, are they still going to have sex with me but always secretly want to be with someone else?

The prospect of marriage is overwhelmingly frightening to me. I think at the root of all this is the need to love myself; I think if you love yourself, you’re better able to love someone else and not rely on their opinion of you to make feel you beautiful or wanted or lovely or enough.

Do you have any advice you could send my way?

Greatly Appreciative

Dear Greatly Appreciative,

Your letter reminds me of a phenomenon that therapists call a “doorknob disclosure.” It’s not uncommon for patients to go through an entire session talking about this or that, only to disclose something important in the last ten seconds (“I’m having an affair,” “I think I’m bisexual,” “I want to kill myself,” “I drank again,” “My biological mother found me on Facebook”), with one hand practically on the doorknob on their way out. People do this for a variety of reasons: they’re ashamed of the disclosure, they don’t want you to have a chance to comment, or they want to stay longer.

Sometimes they do this to leave you feeling as unsettled as they do. They dump all their anxiety onto you, so that you, the therapist, can stew all week while they’re just fine. Special delivery, here’s all my shit, sit in it all week, will you? Other times their wish is simple: Worry about me. Keep me in mind. Often, they’re torn between dealing with what they know to be the real issue, and avoiding it at all costs. So they use filler for most of the session, then casually — “Oh, one more thing” — float it out there at the end.

You, GA, initially present your dilemma to me as an existential one: If marriage is a jail sentence, why should I even do it? You detail what you see as the various downsides of marriage — people feel trapped, lose their passions, get bored, and feel “owned” by their partners. You tell me that most married people you know are unhappy.

It’s easier to devalue something we might not get than to acknowledge that we might want it.

At this point, I’m reading along and thinking, that’s quite a dim view of marriage; I wonder what’s behind that. Usually what’s behind a particularly skewed perspective is fear and a perceived threat. The perceived threat here is marriage, but the real threat is … what?

Then I arrive at your doorknob disclosure. At the end, you move the conversation from a general view of marriage to a personal view of yourself and your self-worth. Your doorknob disclosure says, “My real fear isn’t marriage; it’s that I might not be worthy enough to hold somebody’s love for the long term. ” Similarly, the threat you want to avoid isn’t marriage — it’s rejection.

A little-known secret is that many people, just after getting engaged, tell me they’re afraid of getting married. They think they’re going crazy because, after all, they’re deeply in love with the person they’ve committed to, and can’t imagine a better partner to go through life with.

And yet they worry.

They worry about a lot of things: disagreements between their families in the process of planning a wedding. Expectations from themselves and others, and being pulled in various directions. Accountability to a partner, 24/7, for life. Loss of their youth while moving on to the next chapter. Stresses that the marriage may one day face. Balancing individual and shared life goals. Navigating closeness and separateness. The intense intimacy of being known, and knowing a partner, over many decades.

But the difference between their fears and yours, AG, is that their concerns have more to do with hope for a good marriage than a belief that no such thing exists. They’re taking what is undoubtedly a leap of faith, albeit an informed one, and grappling with the enormity of their commitment despite the enormity of life’s uncertainties. Their fear is based in optimism (look at this crazy commitment I’ve gotten myself into — and I’m doing it anyway!), whereas yours is designed to keep any optimism at bay, because keeping your optimism at bay protects you.

Whether it’s with marriage or something else, it’s easier to devalue something we might not get than to acknowledge that we might want it. “I wouldn’t want a house that big,” someone might say when driving by a gorgeous home, when in fact the person would love to live there but feels she’ll never be able to afford it. “That guy’s not my type,” a person might say of a guy she’s attracted to but feels she can’t have. Likewise, “I wouldn’t want to be the boss, it’s too stressful,” feels better than, “I don’t think I’m good enough for that job.” For you, “Marriage sounds dismal,” might be more palatable than, “I’m not lovable enough for marriage.” If you doubt your own appeal, better to convince yourself that marriage is what’s unappealing — not you.

Of course, many people find marriage highly appealing, or nobody in a free society would choose it. Most marriages are neither rom-com fantasy nor celebrity disaster, but something in the comfortable middle. Even in your self-selected group of unhappy couples, why are they all staying? By what are they “trapped”? Could there be positive aspects to their marriages that keep them there? I don’t know their situations, of course, but is it possible that you’re listening for the “bad” parts, or capturing them on a bad day, or simply preventing yourself from keeping the company of people who don’t feel the way your friends do at all?

You asked for advice, but I have a feeling that you’re wanting reassurance. Maybe you want me to provide evidence that there are all kinds of marriages, some like the ones you describe, some quite the opposite, and everything in between. Maybe you want me to reassure you that you can hold somebody’s attention for half a century by just being you. Maybe you want my vote of confidence that you can tolerate the reality that you and your husband will sometimes fantasize about other people — not just physically, but emotionally as well — without your going into full-blown he’s-going-to-leave-me abandonment mode.

I can’t really do any of that, though, and besides, what would help you most lies in your doorknob disclosure. None of us can love and be loved without the possibility of loss, but there’s a difference between knowledge and terror.

If you don’t address your underlying terror, you won’t get close enough with anyone to consider the prospect of marriage. And if you don’t get close enough, you’ll never be able to make a clear-eyed decision about whether or not marriage is something you want.

In order to get close enough, you’ll need to find out why you rely on others to feel “beautiful or wanted or lovely or enough.” You’ll need to stop making marriage the enemy, and look at the ways you’ve made yourself the enemy, the one who’s not worthy. You’ll need to acknowledge that you fear less that marriage will become boring and tiresome than that you will become boring and tiresome to the person you love.

And you’ll need to lead with that — make it your opener — because it’s not incidental at all. All the other stuff is just noise.

Lori Gottlieb is a writer and a psychotherapist in private practice. Got a question? Email [email protected]. Her column will appear here every Friday.

All letters to What Your Therapist Really Thinks become the property of New York Media LLC and will be edited for length, clarity, and grammatical correctness.

The information provided by What Your Therapist Really Thinks is for entertainment and educational purposes only, and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.

‘I’m Terrified of Getting Married!’

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Why am I so anxious about getting married? — Cameron Murphey LMFT, Oakland Therapist

Relationship anxiety (ROCD)

Written By Cameron Murphey LMFT

“Why am I so anxious about getting married?” 

You’re engaged or thinking about getting engaged, and you’re surprised at how anxious you feel. Maybe your wedding is right around the corner, and you feel intensely afraid. You might be thinking about whether you’re in the right relationship, or whether you’re really in love with your partner enough. Or you might just feel intense panic and dread, with no clear thoughts at all. 

Maybe you have a history of relationship anxiety or ROCD, or maybe this is the first time you’ve felt this much anxiety about your relationship. 

Either way, it’s easy to interpret your anxiety as a warning sign that maybe you’re in the wrong relationship or that marriage isn’t for you. 

I’ve written this post to tell you the opposite: There are many reasons to feel anxious about getting married, even when you’re in a healthy relationship. 

I also go over how to look at anxiety as information about what is getting stirred up inside of you during this major life transition. As uncomfortable as this situation is, it can be a moment to face the fears and doubts that are coming up for you, so that you can go forward in your relationship.

Eight reasons you might have anxiety about getting married

  1. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. 

  2. In getting married, you give away the independence you’ve known all your life. 

  3. You have fears about marriage. Fears that you came by honestly.

  4. You have relationship anxiety or relationship OCD. 

  5. You don’t know what will happen in your marriage. You also don’t know what will happen to your marriage. 

  6. Marriage makes you more vulnerable to loss. 

  7. You might have to speak publicly in front of a lot of people at your wedding. 

  8. Your marriage will change you. In the words of David Whyte, you will not survive your marriage in the manner to which you’re accustomed. Your marriage will break your heart in ways you cannot expect.

Anxiety about getting married as a forced slow-down

Have you ever had a cold that forced you to slow down, and you then realize you’d been doing too much, living too busily? 

For some of my clients, their relationship anxiety gets them to slow down too. When they slow down, they can give attention to the more psychological and emotional aspects of getting married. They can look at why they feel anxious. Then they can tend to any fears, say goodbye to what they’re giving up, and prepare for the transition of getting married. 

In this way, relationship anxiety can function as a forced slow-down. It creates an opportunity to pause, look inward, and do the personal work to get ready for marriage.

Besides, you live in a culture that tells you - cue Disney - that your wedding should be the happiest day of your life. Many people begin to think that they shouldn’t feel anything but happy when they get married, as if marriage were the answer to their problems. But how could this be? Getting married is complicated. It’s stressful. Shouldn’t there be space to process whatever comes up for you as you go through this experience? 

In my life and in the lives of my clients, I see anxiety often work this way: it forces us to pause and take stock of our own experience. It doesn’t let us plow ahead mindlessly; it asks that we stop, look around, look inward, and ask for help. 

For some people, anxiety about marriage gets them to slow down. When they slow down, they can give attention to the more psychological and emotional aspects of getting married. They can tend to any fears, say goodbye to what they’re giving up, and prepare for the initiatory passage into marriage.

Questions I ask my clients

Here are some questions I ask my clients to help them become more conscious and aware of what getting married brings up for them.

Go through these questions curiously. Notice what shows up for you, even if it feels uncomfortable.

  • What about my life is likely to change when I get married? 

  • What might I get more of? Less of? 

  • What would I need to say goodbye to before getting married? 

  • What fears do I have about marriage? How could getting married go terribly, horribly wrong? 

  • How have other peoples’ marriages turned out in my life? 

  • What have I learned from watching other peoples’ marriages?

  • Do I have a history of anxiety, worry, or OCD? 

  • Does my family have a history of anxiety, worry, or OCD?

  • Why aren’t I more nervous?

  • What about marriage is important to me? What about marriage isn’t important to me? 

  • Why get married at all? People cohabitate.  

  • Given everything I know about myself and my history, how does it make complete and perfect sense that I feel anxiety about getting married? 

Conclusion

If you feel anxious about getting married, don’t jump to conclusions. Feeling anxious does not mean you’re in the wrong relationship.

Instead, say “I don’t know why I feel anxious, and I’m trying to learn.” Ask yourself the questions above. Ask the questions I didn’t think to write. See what this anxiety can tell you about what getting married means to you. 

If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, and like you need support, you can always find a therapist who can help you unpack this experience and move forward. 

Meet Cameron

I help men and women do the personal work needed to get ready for marriage. I work with people with a history of relationship anxiety and ROCD, and with people who are facing this kind of anxiety for the very first time.  

I know from personal experience how confusing and terrifying relationship anxiety can be, and how much feels at stake in figuring it out. I also know that there’s a way forward.

Relationship anxiety is overwhelming until you know how to face it. My job is to help you learn how to face it. 

Reach out for a free consultation to see if I’m a good fit for you. 

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I see clients both online and in downtown Oakland, California.

Notes:

  1. Photo by Julia Karnavusha on Unsplash.

  2. This post is intended as food for thought. This post is neither intended as advice giving nor as a means for diagnosis. Diagnosis of any mental disorder requires live interaction with a licensed mental health professional.

ROCDRelationship AnxietyRelationship OCDRelationshipsMarriageOakland therapist

Cameron Murphey LMFT

https://www. cameronmurpheytherapy.com/

"I'm afraid to get married and have children"

Question to the expert

Last year, she broke off her engagement at the last moment. There were many reasons, including being afraid to become a wife - it seemed that all responsibility for both would fall on me. Now I'm dating someone else. We understand each other perfectly. But the thought of legitimizing a relationship or, even more so, having children, is terrifying. I began to have nightmares that I was left alone with the child, I got fat, I could not fulfill myself and now no one needs me. I watch how acquaintances who have children live, and horror rolls over again. They constantly deny themselves everything. The fear became so strong that she thought about sterilization. She used to dream of children, her parents had three, and opposed abortion. Now vice versa. In addition, she became jealous of the guy for the child from a previous marriage. It seems that since he has already known the joy of fatherhood, then the second child will be treated colder. I can't live in peace. All thoughts only on this topic. nine0003

Ekaterina, 26 years old

The letter suggests that you are being haunted by the past. The parents have three children, you should know better how you were brought up, in what atmosphere you grew up.

You used to dream of children, which indicates that you initially followed the usual social expectations. But then they began to project more and more past feelings onto possible children and a possible family. You are afraid to take responsibility and be in such a role. When you were a child, you might not notice what repelled and frightened you, it was hidden. But now that you're an adult and have a choice, it's like you're screaming "No!" But this “no” refers to something or someone else. Perhaps to mother, father or brothers, sisters, and perhaps to all family members combined. nine0003

You may have grown up in an environment where you were criticized, overlooked, unsupported, neglected, and somewhat controlled. You could see pain, despair, or feel it in yourself because of anything: family interactions, illnesses, depressive atmospheres, lack of sleep, food, clothes, someone's torment. And all this "recorded" in you, began to be reproduced. Past events, environment cause fear. You want a child, but you don't want all this (or something like that) for him. In fact, by running away from marriage and, as a result, children, you save yourself in the past and protect the unborn child from such trials. nine0003

Your mother might be afraid to be left alone with her children, she might change too much in appearance, she might be ill and not have a job, she might not be realized as a person. Her relationship with her father could be complicated. She might not have enough energy for anything. Then one of the children or all the children took it as her refusal to be their mother, felt like a burdensome burden.

You do not want to hurt yourself or your child, so you are horrified at the mere thought of your own family. You don't want your child to be in the position you were in. This is a hypothesis. If it is close to the truth, you need to separate the experience of your family and parents from yourself. Your marriage, personal family and motherhood will be completely different. You yourself will create those conditions, that level of comfort that will allow you not to become lonely and thrown out, fat and unhappy. You will do things your way. Your experience will be unique, handcrafted. It may be worth it to get therapy from a specialist who will help you find this way of sharing experience. After that, you decide whether you want a child or not, when you want and how it will be. nine0003

Photo source: Getty Images

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