Abandonment theory psychology

Understanding the Pain of Abandonment

When children are raised with chronic loss, without the psychological or physical protection they need—and certainly deserve—it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment, and living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame. Shame arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: "You are not important. You are not of value." This is the pain from which people need to heal.

Physical abandonment

For some children, abandonment is primarily physical. Physical abandonment occurs when the physical conditions necessary for thriving have been replaced by:

Lack of appropriate supervision

Inadequate provision of nutrition and meals
Inadequate clothing, housing, heat, or shelter
Physical and/or sexual abuse

Children are totally dependent on caretakers to provide safety in their environment. When caretakers don't do this, the child grows up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that they do not deserve positive attention and adequate care.

Emotional abandonment

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. I like to define emotional abandonment as "occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is in order to be accepted or to not be rejected."

Having to hide a part of yourself means:

It is not okay to make a mistake.
It is not okay to show feelings, being told the way you feel is not true. "You have nothing to cry about, and if you don't stop crying, I will really give you something to cry about." "That really didn't hurt." "You have nothing to be angry about."
It is not okay to have needs. Everyone else's needs appear to be more important than yours.
It is not okay to have success. Accomplishments are not acknowledged and are many times discounted.

Other acts of abandonment occur when:

Children cannot live up to the expectations of their parents. These expectations are often unrealistic and not age-appropriate.
Children are held responsible for other people's behavior. They may be consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.
Disapproval toward children is aimed at their entire beings or identity rather than a particular behavior, such as telling a child he is worthless when he does not do his homework or she is never going to be a good athlete because she missed the final catch of the game.

Many times abandonment issues are fused with distorted, confused, or undefined boundaries such as:

When parents do not view children as separate beings with distinct boundaries
When parents expect children to be extensions of themselves
When parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but expect children to take responsibility for them
When parents' self-esteem is derived through their child's behavior

When children are treated as peers with no parent/child distinction

Abandonment combined with distorted boundaries, at a time when children are developing their sense of worth, is the foundation for the belief in their own inadequacy and the central cause of their shame.

Abandonment experiences and boundary violations are in no way indictments of a child's innate goodness and value. Instead, they reveal the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt them.

Still, the wounds are struck deep in their young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so they can heal. Until that occurs, the pain will stay with them, becoming a driving force in their adult lives.

Excerpted from Changing Course

Signs, symptoms, treatment, and more

“Abandonment issues” is an informal term that describes a strong fear of losing loved ones or of them leaving a relationship. It is a form of anxiety that can affect relationships throughout life.

“Abandonment issues” is not a distinct diagnosis. As such, it can refer to many things.

Fear of abandonment can come from an anxious attachment style or early childhood trauma. It is also a feature of some mental health conditions, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Keep reading to learn more about abandonment issues in both adults and children, including the signs, causes, and treatment options.

Fear of abandonment is not a distinct mental health condition. Instead, it is a type of anxiety that can manifest itself in different ways.

For example, some people who fear abandonment may feel generally insecure in relationships and need frequent reassurance from their partner. This is known as an anxious attachment style.

Attachment styles are the ways in which people form relationships. People develop an attachment style as they grow up. People with an anxious attachment style may:

worry that friends or partners will leave them
constantly look for signs that others do not really like them
need frequent reassurance that others love them
always try to please others, even at their own expense

give too much in relationships, or have a lack of boundaries
stay in unhealthy relationships due to a fear of being alone

Intense fear of abandonment can also be a feature of personality disorders, such as BPD and dependent personality disorder (DPD). These conditions have their own set of symptoms.

Signs of abandonment issues in children

In children, some degree of worry about caregivers leaving them is developmentally typical. This is known as separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety is a part of child development in infants and very young children. It typically begins between 6–12 months and peaks at around 3 years old. Signs include:

being reluctant to leave their caregiver
crying or having tantrums when a caregiver leaves the child somewhere
feeling anxious about going to day care or school

A child may continue to experience separation anxiety for much of early childhood. This is especially the case in new or unfamiliar settings, such as on the first day of school. This separation anxiety does not necessarily mean they will have abandonment issues as adults.

However, children who develop an anxious attachment style may go on to experience insecurity in other relationships, too. Sometimes, children develop an intense form of separation anxiety that doctors classify as a disorder.

How fear of abandonment affects a person can depend on the cause. However, this anxiety typically makes forming healthy and secure relationships with others more challenging. A person may:

Have anxiety: Both children and adults with fear of abandonment may feel chronically anxious, especially if they feel a relationship is about to end.
Experience relationship challenges: Anxiety about abandonment can alter a person’s perceptions of their relationship, causing them to see problems where none exist. They may be sensitive to any sign of rejection or find it difficult to trust that their partner will not leave. This can result in clingy behavior, which may impact the relationship.
Communicate poorly: People with abandonment issues may develop harmful communication techniques to ease their anxiety. For example, they may engage in attention-seeking behavior to get the love they feel they might lose.
Engage in harmful behavior: People with a fear of abandonment can sometimes try to prevent their partner from leaving them through manipulative or even abusive behavior. For example, a person may try to prevent someone from socializing with others. This is a form of coercive control.

The causes of a fear of abandonment are complex. For some people, a clear life event triggered the fear. For others, it may be a combination of factors. Some examples include:

Abandonment: Adults sometimes fear abandonment because they experienced it as children. This may have happened with a parent, foster parent, or another caregiver.
Neglect or abuse: Mistreatment from caregivers and behaviors that a child finds scary can be traumatic or cause anxiety, making it difficult to form healthy attachments. This may affect their future relationships. Early trauma or abuse is also a risk factor for BPD.
Family instability: A parent or caregiver who is not consistently affectionate or present may create anxiety in a child. This inconsistency could be intentional or unintentional.

A fear of abandonment is a symptom rather than a diagnosis. As a result, psychologists do not diagnose it.

However, they may identify a fear of abandonment as part of a wider pattern or as one symptom that could indicate a mental health condition.

A psychologist may ask a person questions to see if their symptoms match the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Clinicians use this manual to diagnose mental health conditions.

A person does not need a mental health diagnosis to get help. If fear of abandonment significantly affects a person’s life or relationships, they may benefit from professional support.

Talk therapy may help. During therapy, a person can explore their experiences of abandonment and potentially identify the cause of their anxiety.

Certain therapy models may be more helpful for certain types of abandonment fears. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy may help with separation anxiety, while dialectical behavior therapy may help with BPD.

A therapist can help individuals build self-esteem to feel more capable or lovable. They may also teach someone about establishing healthy boundaries and communicating effectively with partners.

Children with intense fears of abandonment can work with a child psychologist to address it. They may do this through play therapy, art therapy, or family therapy.

Supporting a person with a fear of abandonment can be challenging. They may perceive efforts to talk about the problem as criticism or worry that it means their partner will leave. As a result, it is important to approach conversations on this topic with patience and empathy.

When discussing someone else’s fear of abandonment, try to:

Offer plenty of reassurance.
Focus on them and how their fears are affecting their happiness.
Express concern and love.
Discuss what might help, if they are open to that discussion.
Remain calm and consistent throughout the conversation.

It may be helpful to avoid the term “abandonment issues.” This term can have a negative connotation and reinforce the idea that something is wrong with the person.

To avoid triggering anxiety, do not:

blame or criticize the person for their fear
demand they change without offering support
give them ultimatums, such as threatening to leave if they do not seek help

Supporting children

Children with a fear of abandonment may benefit from:

consistent reassurance and attention from caregivers
compassion and kindness
a regular daily routine, as this can make life more predictable and reassuring
regular check-ins that allow them to talk about their feelings

Remember that challenging behavior is often an expression of emotional turmoil. A caregiver may want to consult a child psychologist if their child experiences severe anxiety or does not gain confidence.

Individuals with abandonment issues will need to regularly manage their emotions to ensure the well-being of themselves and their relationships.

Practice noticing anxious or self-critical thoughts when they arise.
Counter these thoughts with self-compassion.
Practice self-care by getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, and reducing unnecessary stress.
Build a good support network, staying in regular contact with friends and family.
Try activities that help build confidence outside of relationships, such as creative hobbies or sports.

Anyone who feels that abandonment issues negatively affect their mental health or relationships can seek support from a therapist. This may involve individual therapy, couple therapy, or family therapy.

People with a history of trauma or loss may also wish to speak with a mental health professional to address these issues, even if they do not seem directly related.

If a child shows signs of significant separation anxiety, a person may want to consult a pediatrician or child psychologist.

Abandonment issues can describe a range of things. As a result, there is no consensus on the outlook for people who fear abandonment. It depends on what is causing the fear.

For example, a person with an anxious attachment style may be able to build self-esteem through therapy. This can help ensure they no longer feel as anxious about being alone.

The prognosis for a condition such as BPD depends on the person’s ability to access treatment. Many people experience remission of symptoms, but this can take time and commitment.

Abandonment issues are a form of anxiety that occurs when an individual has a strong fear of losing loved ones. People with abandonment issues can have difficulties in relationships. They may exhibit symptoms such as codependency, clinginess, or manipulative behavior.

Therapy may help the person experiencing abandonment issues get to the root of their problems.

With support, both adults and children with a fear of abandonment can enjoy healthy relationships and good quality of life.

Five stages of grief. The Rise and Fall of Kübler-Ross

Lucy Burns
BBC

July 11, 2020

Image copyright Getty Images

Denial. Anger. Finding a compromise. Despair. Adoption. Many people know the theory according to which grief, when receiving unbearable information for a person, goes through these steps. The scope of its application is wide: from hospices to boards of directors of companies.

A recent interview with a psychologist in English on the Internet proves that the perception of the current quarantine is subject to the same rules. But do we all experience the same?

When Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross began working in American hospitals in 1958, she was struck by the lack of methods of psychological care for dying patients.

A method that can predict your death

"Everything was impersonal, the attention was paid exclusively to the technical side of things," she told the BBC at 1983 year. “Terminally ill patients were left to their own devices, no one talked to them.”

She started a workshop with Colorado State University medical students based on her conversations with cancer patients about what they thought and felt.

Author photo, LIFE/Getty Images

Photo caption,

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross talks to a woman with leukemia in Chicago, 1969. Seminar participants observe through a special mirror glass

Despite the misunderstanding and resistance of a number of colleagues, soon there was nowhere for an apple to fall at the Kübler-Ross seminars.

In 1969 she published a book, On Death and Dying, in which she quoted typical statements from her patients and then moved on to discuss how to help doomed people pass from life as free of fear and pain as possible.

Kübler-Ross described in detail the five emotional states that a person goes through after being diagnosed with a terminal diagnosis:

Denial: "No, that can't be true"
Anger: "Why me? Why? It's not fair!!!"
Bargaining: "There must be a way to save myself, or at least improve my situation! I'll think of something, I'll behave properly and do whatever is necessary!"
Depression: “There is no way out, everything is indifferent”
Acceptance: “Well, we must somehow live with this and prepare for the last journey”

difficult situation.

A separate chapter of the book is devoted to each of the stages. In addition to the five main ones, the author identified intermediate states - the first shock, preliminary grief, hope - from 10 to 13 types in total.

Image copyright Getty Images

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross died in 2004. Her son, Ken Ross, says she never insisted that every person must go through these five stages in sequence.

"It was a flexible framework, not a panacea for dealing with grief. If people wanted to use other theories and models, the mother did not object. She wanted to start a discussion of the topic first," he says.

Last will: how did the photo of a dying American touch the world?
"You hear everything, Fernando." How was the evening in honor of the terminally ill football player

The book "On Death and Dying" became a bestseller, and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was soon inundated with letters from patients and doctors from all over the world.

"The phone kept ringing, and the postman started visiting us twice a day," recalls Ken Ross.

The notorious five steps took on a life of their own. Following the doctors, patients and their relatives learned about them. They were mentioned by the characters of the series "Star Trek" and "Sesame Street". They were parodied in cartoons, they gave food for creativity to the mass of musicians and artists and gave rise to many successful memes.

Literally thousands of scientific papers have been written that have applied the theory of the five steps to a wide variety of people and situations, from athletes suffering career-incompatible injuries to Apple fans' worries about the release of the 5th iPhone.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Skip the Podcast and continue reading.

Podcast

What was that?

We quickly, simply and clearly explain what happened, why it's important and what's next.

episodes

The End of History Podcast

Kübler-Ross's legacy has found its way into corporate governance: Big companies from Boeing to IBM (including the BBC) have used her "change curve" to help employees at times of great business change.

And during the coronavirus pandemic, it applies, says psychologist David Kessler.

Kessler worked with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and co-authored her latest book, Grief and How We Grieve. His interview with the Harvard Business Review at the start of the pandemic garnered a lot of attention online as people everywhere searched for solutions to their emotional problems.

"And here, first comes denial: the virus is not terrible, nothing will happen to me. Then anger: who dares to deprive me of my usual life and force me to stay at home?! Then an attempt to find a compromise: okay, if after two weeks of social distancing it gets better, then why not? Followed by sadness: no one knows when it will end. And, finally, acceptance: the world is now like this, you have to somehow live with it, "describes David Kessler.

"As you can see, strength comes with acceptance. It gives you control: I can wash my hands, I can keep a safe distance, I can work from home," he says.

"It's a roadmap," says George Bonanno, professor of clinical psychology and head of the Loss, Trauma, and Emotion Laboratory at Columbia University. "When people are in pain, they want to know: how long will it last? What will happen to me? something to grab on to. And the five-step model gives them that opportunity."

"This scheme is seductive," notes Charles Corr, social psychologist and author of Death and Dying, Life and Being. "It offers an easy solution: sort everyone, and it takes no more than the fingers of one hand to label each one." .

George Bonanno sees this as a possible harm.

"People who don't fit exactly into these stages - and I've seen the majority of them - may decide they're grieving the wrong way, so to speak," he explains.

According to him, over the years he has seen many cases when people themselves inspired that they must certainly experience this and that, or they were convinced of this by friends and relatives, but they did not feel it and decided, that they need a doctor.

Experimental evidence of the existence of the five stages of grief is not enough. The longest and largest interview of bereaved people was conducted in 2007.

According to him, the most common state at any time is acceptance, only a few go through the stage of denial, and the second most common emotion is longing.

However, according to David Kessler, while scientists debate the nuances and terms, people who experience grief continue to find meaning in the Kübler-Ross scheme.

"I meet people who tell me, 'I don't know what's wrong with me. Now I'm angry, and a minute later I'm sad. I must be crazy.” And I say, “It has names. These are called the stages of grief. ” The person says, “Oh, so there is a special stage called 'anger'? It's about me!" And feels more normal."

Image copyright, Getty Images

"People need catchy statements. If Kübler-Ross hadn't called it stages and stated that there are exactly five of them, then she probably would have been closer to the truth. But then she would not have attracted to attention," says Charles Corr.

He believes that talking about the five stages distracts from the main scientific legacy of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

"She wanted to take on the topic of death and dying in the broadest sense: how to help terminally ill people come to terms with their diagnosis, how to help those who care for them, support these patients and cope with their own emotions, how to help everyone live a full life, realizing that we are not eternal,” says Charles Corr.

"The terminally ill can teach us everything: not only how to die, but also how to live," said Elisabeth Kübler-Ross at 1983 year.

During the 1970s and 1980s, she traveled the world, giving lectures and giving workshops to thousands of people. She was a passionate supporter of the hospice idea pioneered by British nurse Cecily Saunders.

Kübler-Ross has established hospices in many countries, the first in the Netherlands in 1999. Time magazine named her one of the 100 most important thinkers of the 20th century.

Professor Kübler-Ross' scientific reputation was shaken after she became fascinated with theories about the afterlife and began to experiment with mediums.

One of them, a certain Jay Barham, practiced non-standard religious-erotic therapy, in particular, he persuaded women to have sex, assuring that he was possessed by a person close to them from the afterlife. In 1979, because of this, a loud scandal arose.

In the late 1980s, she tried to set up a hospice for children with AIDS in rural Virginia, but faced strong local opposition to the idea.

In 1995, her house caught fire under suspicious circumstances. The next day Kübler-Ross had her first stroke.

She spent the last nine years of her life with her son in Arizona, moving around in a wheelchair.

In her last interview with the famous TV presenter Oprah Winfrey, she said that at the thought of her own death she feels only anger.

"The public wanted the famed expert on death and dying to be some kind of angelic personality and quickly get to the stage of acceptance," says Ken Ross. "But we all deal with grief and loss as best we can."

The theory of the five stages of grief is not widely taught in medical schools these days. It is more popular at corporate trainings under the name "Curve of Change".

Since then, many theories have emerged about how to deal with your grief.

David Kessler, with the consent of Kübler-Ross's family, added a sixth stage to the five: the understanding that everything that is done makes sense.

"Understanding can come in a million different ways. Let's say I've become a better person after losing a loved one. Maybe my loved one passed away in a different way than it should have happened, and I can try to make the world a better place to this has not happened to others," says David Kessler.

Charles Corr recommends the "double process model". It was developed by Dutch researchers Margaret Stroebe and Nenk Schut and suggests that a person in grief is simultaneously experiencing a loss and preparing himself for new things and life challenges.

George Bonanno talks about four trajectories of grief. Some people have great stamina and do not fall into depression, or it is weakly expressed in them, others remain morally broken for many years, others recover relatively close, but then a second wave of grief rolls over them, and finally, the fourth becomes stronger from the loss.

Over time, one way or another, the vast majority of people get better.

But Professor Bonanno admits that his approach is less clear-cut than the five-stage theory.

"I can say to a person: 'Time heals.' But that doesn't sound so convincing," he says.

Grief is difficult to control and hard to endure. The thought that there is some kind of road map that suggests a way out is comforting, even if it is an illusion.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her latest book, Grief and How We Grieve, wrote that she did not expect to sort out the tangled human emotions.

Everyone experiences grief in their own way, even if some patterns can sometimes be deduced. Everyone goes their own way.

Always say "no": how to learn to say no this instruction. T&P talked to those who refuse people consistently and confidently and talk about 9 steps that will help you build personal boundaries, become more confident in yourself and do what you want.

Analyze the reasons for your reliability

To solve a problem, you need to find its root. The inability to refuse may be based on a fear of hurting other people's feelings or a lack of self-confidence. You may think that you have no right to choose what you will do and what you will refuse, says psychotherapist Dmitry Kolygin.

The inability to refuse, Dmitry notes, is often the result of an unsuccessful life experience: “Everything that we can do, we once learned to do.

If at some point in his life a person defended himself and because of this something unpleasant happened, it is likely that he will refuse to protect his own borders in the future.

Such cases, if possible, should be worked out with a psychologist who will help you build boundaries and realize that you have the right to control your own life (no matter what toxic relatives or friends say).

However, the reasons for failure-free operation are sometimes simpler and do not require the help of a specialist. “I used to accept any job offers when I was a student. I wanted to get as much cool experience as possible, earn money, and I was very happy if I was invited somewhere. The usual situation: there is nothing to choose from, and you agree to everything. Over time, the flow of proposals became very large, and I began to work on my own projects, but out of habit I continued to say “yes” to everyone. Then it became clear that I not only could, but should refuse some offers,” says businessman Pavel.

Understand your desires and priorities

It's hard to figure out what to give up and what to agree to if you don't know what you want. Deciding on desires and goals is the first step towards building clear personal boundaries. If setting goals is not your approach, you can just think about what you like to do and what you don't.

“If a person never says no, he does not seem to be responsible for what happens to him,

refuses to make decisions on his own, to determine what is important to him. Therefore, with clients who do not know how to refuse, we talk a lot about their desires. We are trying to bring to the surface what they really want,” Dmitry says.

“Even though I worked hard on myself to learn how to say no, deep down I still want to say yes all the time. It's so cool to get involved in new projects, collaborate with new people, get different experiences. Before, I agreed to everything that was offered to me. As a result, I didn’t manage to do anything, lost energy and, which is especially sad, sometimes let people down. I realized that I needed to somehow structure my life and started using the OKR planning system (a method used for project management. — Note T&P ), which involves the selection of several priority goals for the quarter. And everything became easy. When I am offered a new project, I turn to a document that sets out my goals for the next three months. If this project matches with one of my goals, I agree to it. Otherwise, I say “no,” says Pavel.

Source: giphy.com

Relieve yourself of responsibility for other people's expectations

Even if you are well aware that you have every right to refuse, it can be difficult for fear of upsetting other people. But you should not take responsibility for the feelings of others. You don't do bad things if you refuse to live up to someone else's expectations.

“When a person offers something, he must be ready to accept a refusal. If someone reacts incorrectly to this - is offended or very clearly demonstrates his chagrin - this is his problem.

You have nothing to do with it at all. Adults need to manage their expectations,” notes Pavel.

“Through taking responsibility for other people's feelings, the absence of psychological boundaries is manifested. A person simply does not separate his thoughts and emotions from the feelings of other people. If he is told that he is bad, he automatically believes in it. If someone nearby is upset, he takes over this grief. You need to work with your subjectivity, learn to feel the integrity and independence,” says Dmitry.

Take time to think

The ability to refuse is closely related to the ability to soberly assess whether you have the time, energy and desire to fulfill a request. It can be difficult to do this instantly - it is useful to pause and weigh everything properly. In addition, you can delay the answer in order to think over exactly how to refuse the interlocutor and calmly choose the right words.

“It is always good to take a break and think in general. After all, we are all emotional leather bags and often go on about our changeable feelings. So take at least a short pause is always worth it. If you need to give an answer urgently, you should think soberly for at least a few minutes before agreeing,” advises Pavel.

Calmly explain the reasons for the rejection

Although you are not required to explain the reasons for the rejection, it can be helpful. It will be easier for the interlocutor to accept a motivated refusal, and you will feel less pricks of conscience. The main thing is to remember that a simple unwillingness to do something is also a good enough reason.

“Just saying 'no' abruptly and limiting yourself to that would be strange in most situations. It's rude. I always briefly explain why I don’t want or can’t take on a particular task. And if the project as a whole is interesting to me, but there is no time, I say that I will be ready to return to the discussion when I finish with the current priority tasks, ”says Pavel.

“When I turn down candidates, I always give detailed feedback. I explain why we cannot invite a person to work. I'm sure it makes rejection less unpleasant. I do almost the same with personal requests. I rarely even say “no” directly, but rather describe why I’m not ready to help, ”says Ivan, a recruiter at an international company.

Learn to recognize manipulation

Manipulation may be attempted even after you have said no. A person may begin to put pressure on pity or convince that his request is completely simple. The methods may be different, but if your refusal is not taken seriously and they try to make you feel guilty, you are definitely dealing with manipulation.

“A simple tip is to prepare a few formulaic phrases that will help you firmly stop the manipulation and end the conversation.

Something like "I'm sorry to say no, but I'm not ready to help you." A person who knows how to refuse, most likely, will figure out what to answer to the manipulator. But the one who doesn’t know how to say “no” will easily lose control over the situation. Ready-made templates will help you not to immerse yourself in unnecessary thoughts,” says Dmitry.

Source: giphy.com

Don't make excuses

Long excuses take away your strength and give the interlocutor room for manipulation. Remember: explaining the reasons for refusal and making excuses are two different things.

“At the moment of refusal, many people begin to make lengthy excuses, describing a bunch of reasons why they supposedly cannot do something. The manipulator will easily find a way to challenge these excuses and force a person to do what he does not want. When I refuse, I explain the reasons in such a way that it leaves no room for discussion, ”says Ivan.

“It becomes embarrassing if I get some long excuses in response to a request. If the person simply says no, the conversation is over. And when they start pouring a stream of excuses, it becomes difficult. You feel as if you are forcing a person to do something, as if you said something unacceptable,” Pavel shares.

“Excuses are absolutely useless things. Calmly explaining the reasons for the refusal can be helpful. But

when a person makes excuses, it becomes obvious that he considers himself obliged to fulfill someone else's request and therefore is forced to invent some insurmountable circumstances.

If a person is sure that he is not going to do something, he does not invent excuses. There is simply no such need,” Dmitry says.

Try not to lie

It would be naïve to say that it is necessary to give up lying once and for all. There are situations when it is simply necessary to lie about the reasons for the refusal. But doing it all the time is a bad strategy.

“Lying is not a good idea when you are accepting a large stream of requests and offers. If you deceive everyone, at some point you will get confused and post a photo from the bar, although a couple of hours ago you said that you were terribly busy. People will see this and get upset much more than from a polite refusal,” says Pavel.

Just start, it gets easier with time

The more you say no, the more experience you gain and the easier it becomes to say no in the future. Gradually, you will develop your own algorithms for a firm but polite refusal. And in the process, you will learn for sure that saying “no” at the right time has much more positive consequences than it seems.

Learn more