What to do when daughter hates you

How to Deal When Your Daughter Says She Hates You

Raising a teen or tween can be trying at times, but there’s little that can feel more soul-crushing than thinking, "my teenage daughter hates me." This is the kind you’ve made every kind of sacrifice for, the one you’ve shaped your life around, the one you cherish more than you ever thought it was possible to love another human being. And this is what you get in return?

It might feel like the absolute worst, but before you flat-out decide you’ve failed as a parent (spoiler alert: you haven’t!), it’s worth noting that hearing your girl say she hates you can be a sign that you’re doing something right. “It’s easy to forget, but growing up isn’t exactly easy,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald. “Your daughter is dealing with uneven social dynamics, changing hormones, and trying to make sense of who she is in our imperfect world. It’s only normal that she might feel annoyed or angry sometimes, as we all probably did at this stage of the game!” Add to that since adolescents are still developing on an emotional level, most of their feelings are of extreme variety. “Almost everything is black and white,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “They love things. They hate things. Teenagers have never exactly been known for their nuance or ability to temper their feelings.”

But why is all of this venom being directed at you, and how on earth is this a good thing, you might ask? “People often take out life’s frustrations on the people they feel safest with—the ones they know will stick with them and support them even if they do act out every now and then,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “And while friends at this age can be fickle, you’ve always been there for her—despite a disagreement or temper tantrum here and there. Whether she realizes it or not, she trusts that you won’t disappear on her if she lets some of this frustration out on you.” In other words, when she says she hates you, she’s also saying you’ve made her feel secure enough and have given her a safe space of sorts to release some of the pressure she’s been feeling.

So, yes. Even though it’s really crummy and painful to hear think your teenage daughter hates you, you should take it for what it most likely is—normal, and not entirely about you. Phew.

That said, her frustration probably is related to you on some level, so take a minute and think about why that could be. “When she was little, you were her whole world,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but adolescence is a time of big changes, experimentation, and branching out. It’s common to feel a little hurt by any distance your child is creating as she makes new friends and explores life’s possibilities, and it’s also common for parents to want to shield their children from making what they see as mistakes. Whether you mean it that way or not, this can come across as limiting or controlling to your child, and can lead to feelings of resentment as she tries to spread her wings.”

One thing that can help with this is to calmly (and with an open mind!) discuss conflicts with your daughter as they arise. Listen to her point of view and explain yours as well, rather than just saying, “no,” or “because I’m the parent.” Hearing her out, respecting her point of view, and being flexible when you can, will go a long way in calming what could otherwise be a heated situation.

“As much as you want to keep her from decisions she might regret later on, it’s actually important to let your girl make many of her own decisions, take some risks, and even make a few mistakes here and there,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. You might not like the band she’s spending all her allowance money to go see—and know she’ll be upset when she’s out of cash next week—or have mixed feelings about the haircut she wants to get, but those things won’t really matter in the long run. What will matter is that she feels heard, respected, and supported by her parents as she grows into her own person with her own interests, passions, and opinions.

“Keeping an open dialogue and letting her know that you really are considering her wants and needs will help you out a lot when it comes to issues that may put her health or safety at risk,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “It’s really a matter of choosing your battles. If you show flexibility and understanding when you can, she’ll be more likely to understand when you can’t, and understand that you’re not trying to punish her by setting certain rules.”

The bottom line is that even if your daughter says she hates you (and maybe she thinks at the moment that she does), what she’s probably really saying is that that growing up can be kind of rough. So take a deep breath, try to remember your own teen years, and remember that this, too, shall pass.

My Daughter Hates Me, What Now?

When I was a new father, I remember talking to a friend with grown kids about an issue I was having. He is a man I admire: a devoted husband, a great provider for his family, a loving father. He told me that my issue was small and not to worry about it. Then he went on to say, “Wait until your kids tell you they hate you.” When I asked which of his kids said that, he said, “All of them,” which included his daughter. Now she didn’t really hate him, she just hated his boundaries and discipline while wanting to be rebellious as a teenager.

There are many reasons a daughter hates her father. Some are deep and real. Others are simply a teenage phase that should pass in time. As someone who worked with teenagers for many years, I have witnessed teenage girls that hate their dad everywhere on that spectrum. They talked a lot about their issues. If you have recently come to the conclusion, “My daughter hates me,” there are a couple practices that will help bridge the gap.

Engage

This was a consistent complaint among daughters about their dads. You may want to come across laid back, but more often than not, it actually communicates disengagement. The worst thing they can possibly perceive is that you don’t care. If you are going to err, don’t err on this side of things. They want your engagement, even when they are giving you one-word answers or are embarrassed to be seen with you. Don’t smother, but pursue and stay in the picture.

Listen to Her

Many daughters that have issues with their dad feel as though they are not listened to. What that really means is that they don’t believe their dad is taking the time to discern what is going on beneath the surface. Ask questions and dig. Find out the insecurities and struggles that are driving her emotions. Just like with your wife, they mainly want you to listen and empathize. Perhaps you can eventually offer a possible solution.

Become a Student of Her

More than just knowing her likes and dislikes, dive into the stage of life she is in. Think about what the world looks like from her perspective. Study the changes that happen to her body at her age. It will give you insight into why she reacts a certain way.

Own Up To Your Stuff

Focus on modeling what is right, rather than being right.Be the adult and take responsibility when you are wrong. Focus on modeling what is right, rather than being right. We mess up, but when we dismiss our own failures, we lose credibility. If they have a grievance with you, listen calmly and be slow to respond. Let them know what they are saying has importance. It might not be correct, but it has value. If it is correct, own it and apologize.

Be the Adult

I can’t tell you how many parents I encountered that wanted to show their teens how cool they were by acting like they were still in their college fraternity. They must’ve wanted to seem relatable, like a friend their kids could talk to who understood the desire to party. It produces the opposite result. It creates a parent vacuum that they feel like they have to now fill and they resent it. This approach creates a world of anxiety for them. You set the boundaries, they push against them, you hold them. That’s how parenting a teen works best.

What to do if a daughter hates her mother: help from a quantum psychologist

Contents:

Why the relationship between mother and daughter is so important
The main reasons for a daughter's hatred of her mother
How to behave
What is

Mother and daughter are two seemingly incredibly close people, between whom there is a strong spiritual connection. In practice, it happens otherwise: some problems arise between them, leading to hostility and even hatred.

What to do if a daughter hates her mother, and is it possible to correct the situation and restore harmony in the relationship? We invite you to get acquainted with the opinion of the quantum psychologist Inna Tliashinova, the founder and chief expert of the Academy "Master of Analysis".

Why the relationship between mother and daughter is so important

You may feel that after reaching maturity you become an independent person, and your parents no longer have a special relationship with you. If communication with them develops easily - it's good. If there are problems, well, no big deal. In fact, everything is not so simple.

Parents for any person are sources of so-called tribal energy. This energy fills you from two sides - from the side of the mother and the father. Spiritual and energetic connection with the father directly affects the career, self-esteem, financial success. A warm and tender relationship with the mother, especially for girls, is the key to their own happy family life. Therefore, if a daughter develops hatred for her mother, resentment accumulates, this will have a deplorable effect on her future personal life.

Another important issue is the family hierarchy, that is, the distribution of roles between parents and children. An example from practice: we were approached by a woman who did not have a personal life. However, she said that she has an excellent relationship with her mother.

However, things were a little more complicated. During the analysis, the expert found that everything was really good on the surface. However, although there was no hatred between the daughter and mother, they had another problem - a violation of the tribal hierarchy. The mother was more like a friend to her daughter than a wise senior mentor. Because of this, the generic energy from her could not flow to her daughter.

Imagine a mountain river: water can only flow from top to bottom, not otherwise. So the generic energy should go down, from mother to daughter. And in the family of our customer, the mother could not become a source for her daughter. This made it difficult for the client to find her own family happiness. We did another review, this time for both of them. This helped them understand their mistakes and balance the flow of generic energy.

The main reasons for a daughter's hatred of her mother

Agree that such a strong negative feeling does not appear out of nowhere. There are always reasons. Let's analyze the most frequent ones:

mother's inattention towards her daughter. This happens if a woman did not show enough interest in the child, cared little about his success, did not try to look into his soul and understand his feelings, experiences, joys, fears. The child had to learn to cope on his own. And now he reminds her of this;
unnecessary reproaches, especially at a transitional age. During adolescence, children try to distance themselves from their parents, but deep down they especially need them. If you were unnecessarily tough and critical, it is not surprising if the daughter now hates you;
suppression of the child's will. You forced your daughter to look a certain way, to do certain things, to associate with particular people, and not associate with who she wanted;
venting anger on a child. Perhaps your life's problems found expression in your relationship with your daughter, and you could not always contain your irritation;
overprotection. It is as destructive as connivance. Excessive concern causes first irritation, then hostility and, finally, hatred;
hidden dislike of the mother. Perhaps it was an unwanted child, or you showed more love for your other child than for your daughter. She felt this, which eventually resulted in her daughter's reciprocal dislike for her mother;
family breakdown. Often the child blames either himself or one of his parents for this. And if there was a betrayal of the mother or she initiated a divorce, the child in the depths of her soul blames her for having lost her father.

How to behave

A child's hatred of his mother sounds like something unnatural. But understand: this is not such a rare situation, the relationship between parents and children often deteriorates.

First you need to take control of your own actions and emotions. And rest assured, it's not too late. It doesn't matter how old your child is now: 12, 20, 40. He still remains your child, a vessel for generic energy. Even if you don't think so, you are very important to him and always will be. Perhaps he himself does not yet realize how much.

Let's look at what a mother should do when faced with her daughter's hatred.

Admit the problem

You can turn a blind eye to broken relationships as much as you want and tell yourself that everything is fine. However, it will get worse. If you value your child's future, find the courage to admit there is a problem and take action.

Find the root cause

Now we need to figure out what circumstances led to sad consequences. Analyze the relationship with your daughter since her childhood. Remember in which situations you were wrong, in which you could be wrong. No doubt you wanted the best for her. But sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Review the above list of possible causes. Choose the ones that suit you or add your own. Start from them when you start working on relationships.

Talk to your child

If your daughter hates you, the next step is to invite her to a heart-to-heart talk, in a calm and relaxed atmosphere where nothing and no one will disturb you. Point out the problem: “I feel like we don't have a very good relationship. It hurts me. I would like to talk to you and understand how you feel.”

Let the daughter express grievances, let her know what she thinks of you. Do not interrupt her, do not argue, do not reproach her in return. Let her talk, even if she says mean things. You have lived together for many years: it is not surprising that she has accumulated a lot of complaints.

Apologize and offer a solution

If during the conversation you realize that you really were wrong and hurt her, ask for forgiveness. If you can somehow correct the mistake, make amends for the pain that you caused, do it. In turn, gently, without anger or excessive reproaches, describe to her your own feelings. Point out that the daughter's dislike of her mother is not normal, that it causes suffering.

Agree that in the future you will immediately express grievances and claims to each other, and not accumulate them in yourself for years. Let your daughter understand that otherwise you both put a heavy burden on your shoulders that you will have to carry with you all your life.

Quantum psychologist's advice

Hatred of parents and children poisons the lives of both. Therefore, never leave the situation unattended and do not let things take their course. Here are some tips from expert Inna Tliashinova on how to improve your relationship with your child:

Don't expect instant results. Such a strong feeling as hatred rarely arises overnight. Most likely, grievances have accumulated over the years. This means that the restoration of relations will not be a quick process. Be patient.
Do not try to pay back with the same coin. Faced with the rudeness of a child, ingratitude, hypocrisy and unfair reproaches, I want to respond in kind. But in this way you will complicate the situation and cause even greater hostility and aggravation of relations. Be wiser. After all, you are older and can be reasonable.
Do not remember any offense. Having discussed them once, there is no need to return to them again, to poke your daughter in her mistakes. By doing this, you will pour even more water into the mill of her negativity. Let the past stay in the past.
Show interest in the child. Are you sure you know what his favorite film or at least the genre of cinema is, what kind of music he listens to, what he dreams about, what he appreciates in people, what he regrets in life? Try to be imbued with what she feels, to show that she and her interests are not indifferent to you.
Avoid wrong criticism. Any criticism should be constructive. There is no need to be judgmental. And do not forget that the daughter has the right to her opinion, it does not have to coincide with yours.
Speak calmly. It is paradoxical, but true: the louder people shout, the worse they hear each other. In addition, your loud voice can provoke flashbacks, returns to the past, when you scolded your daughter for wrongdoing.
Remember that two people are involved in a quarrel. If a daughter hates her mother, there are some reasons for that. If you allow yourself to be drawn into a fight, you are also at fault.

And one more thing: remember about subordination. It has already been noted above how important the correct hierarchy is in the relationship between parents and children. Don't be your daughter's girlfriend, or worse, her daughter. You are older, wiser, more experienced, more reasonable. Don't forget about it. Otherwise, the generic energy will not be able to properly distribute, flowing from you to the child. So, he will never be able to become successful and happy.

How training can help

The International Academy of Quantum Psychology "Master of Understanding" will become a universal solution for any problem in the relationship between parents and children. No matter how old your child is, we will analyze for you and help you understand what is the root cause of the problem, give advice on how to fix it. You can also contact us if you are not getting along with your own parents. The technique of Inna Tliashinova is unique and suitable for everyone. The analysis of our master is a way to work with the psyche and consciousness on a more subtle level, learn new things about your own personality and completely transform thinking.

Why the daughter hates the mother. Adult daughter hates mother

Hello! I have such trouble: my daughter hates me. She has spoken to me about this more than once. We live together in a one-room apartment, so neither my nor her personal life is discussed (I have long been divorced from her father). The daughter says that I broke her life, says why I gave birth to her, if now she has to pore with me in this shack ... She says that I should have endured and not divorced my husband, then we would at least have a normal housing (we had a three-room apartment, which we exchanged after the divorce). She also says that I should move in with someone, get married so that she can somehow arrange her personal life, because she is already 20. I wish my child happiness and love her, no matter what, but what should I do? I am 40 years old and I still do not lose hope of meeting a worthy person, I do not want to connect my life with the first person I meet with an apartment. How to find a common language with your daughter? What are my mistakes? Can they be fixed, or is it too late?

K.S.

Victoria Milovanova, psychologist

Good afternoon. What I want to tell you right after reading the letter, dear woman, so that you stop blaming yourself! This will definitely not help you in any way, but will only aggravate your already low self-esteem. Excuse me for saying this directly, but shock therapy is really needed here. So, first of all, stop blaming yourself. It is necessary not to think about how it would be if, but about what to do with it all.

Let's analyze the situation into 2 main points:

1. This is you personally, your inner state and your personal life.

2. Your relationship with your daughter.

It is not by chance that I put you and your internal state in the first place, because this is where you need to start. First you have to deal with yourself, and then with everything else. You need to try to turn off the emotions and turn on the mind.

It's just that emotions are 14 times stronger than the mind, so when emotions speak it's very hard to hear the mind. You need to accept the situation for what it is and stop worrying about it so much. I understand that this may sound ridiculous, but if you want to help yourself and your daughter, this is a must. You can find a way out of almost any situation, you just need to look well.

1. You need to stop worrying and feeling sorry for both yourself and her. Pity will only interfere with you and can play a cruel joke. Because of pity, you may not have the courage to take decisive action. We often confuse pity and love. Well, it's far from the same thing. Love is manifested in actions, and pity in inaction. This can serve as a barometer for you to tell one from the other.

2. You need to talk to your daughter. You can prepare in advance for the conversation. Take a piece of paper and write down all the points you need to talk to her about. The conversation should be without accusations and on an equal footing. You should not act either as a victim or as an executioner, do not take the blame and do not blame. Here you need to find a way out, not who is right and who is to blame. Ask her to listen and not interrupt you. It is important. You must have a dialogue. Firstly, you will be able to speak out in this way, which will already alleviate your condition. Secondly, you will be able to hear each other. Thirdly, find a mutual solution that would suit both of you.

3. Of course, you don't have to do what your daughter tells you to do. If something does not suit her, then this is her problem, not yours. This is your life and it is up to you to decide how and with whom you live, whether you get divorced or not, where and with whom you work. It is up to you to decide and no one has the right to tell you here. You must make such decisions yourself and choose what you first need and what is best for you, and not because someone else wanted it that way, even if that someone is your daughter. I don't blame your daughter in any way. it also needs to be understood. She gets angry at the situation and takes all her anger out on you. But you are not obliged to endure all this and indulge her desires just because she is your daughter. This will not make you or her feel better. You have to deal with your own life, and she with her own.

4. Your daughter is already an adult and has long been of age. You are no longer responsible either for her words or for her actions, starting from her majority. And you don't have to keep it either. Even under the legislation of Ukraine, you are not required to support your child after he or she reaches the age of majority. What is your daughter doing anyway? You just didn't write about it. Does she study? Works? Does she have an education? She is already 20 years old and she is an adult. I do not know your situation, but this is also an important point. If she does not work, then she can find a job and earn money on her own. If she is not satisfied with the way she lives, then she herself must decide something with this. You offered her what you could and what you had, but if this does not suit her, then she can do something herself to change her situation, and not tell you what to do or not to do to you. You can support her, suggest, offer options, but you are not obliged to make decisions and do actions for her. She should solve her problems with her own hands, not yours. Firstly, neither you nor she really needs it. Secondly, human nature is so arranged that in order for a person to appreciate what he has, he must make his own efforts, time and money. What is given to us as a gift, we do not appreciate. We value only what we ourselves have invested in, and the more we invest, the more valuable it is for us.

5. Ideally, you should leave, and the sooner you do this, the better. From this, many of your strife will go away by themselves. Based on the text of your letter, this is, in principle, the main reason for your strife. You need to resolve this issue by making a mutual decision. If she is not happy with the way you live, you can suggest that she look for other options. You can suggest some options or look for options with her. It is better if you prepare for this main part of the conversation separately and write in advance on a piece of paper the options that you can offer her. Take a piece of paper and write down everything that comes to your mind about this. Do not think about whether it will turn out or not, but just write everything in a row. I do not know your situation, but let me offer you some options as an example.

For example, you can rent an apartment or rent a room if renting an apartment is expensive. You can live with some girl or even with 2-3, which is often done by young people in big cities due to high rents. You can rent a room in a hostel, especially if she is still studying. Maybe one of your friends rents out housing or you have a familiar realtor who can be asked to find inexpensive options. And it doesn't have to be in your city. It is for her to open the opportunity to live in general, where she wants, and not just how she wants.

Need to put the right accents in the conversation. So that she does not think that you are kicking her out, explain to her that you are not kicking her out, but giving her the opportunity to realize herself and build her personal life. This is a great opportunity to grow up and become independent, as well as realize your desires and dreams. It is for this that she needs to move out so that she has these opportunities. Birds push their chicks out of the nest just to help them and so that they can start their own independent life. If she works, then she can afford a small apartment, or at least a small room in a hostel, but already her own. If she doesn't work, she can look for a job. If she is still studying, she can try to combine work and study, as so many young boys and girls do. If she does not have an education, she can go to courses even with subsequent employment. If she has an education, but no job, she can apply to the employment center and even receive unemployment assistance for the first time. You can help her partially with paying for housing, she can turn to her father (if possible) so that he also helps in any way he can, or maybe to someone else from her relatives. In fact, I can go on listing options for a long time, but your daughter will have to find her own option, and you can help her with this.

Use this principle to write your own list of choices to help your daughter make her choice. It will really help and solve the situation both for her and for you. As you review your list of options, don't think about why it won't work, but ask yourself, "What needs to be done to make it work?". Choose with her or let her choose the most suitable option herself, and the decisions will come by themselves. Ask only the right question! After that, write an action plan on how to implement your option and what needs to be done for this. Leave 2-3 spare options as well. And it’s better if the daughter writes all this with her own hand. It is necessary to write down, so it will be more understandable and fixed on paper. Then all that remains is to implement it in actions.

6. It is very good that you do not lose hope of meeting a worthy person, and I am sure that you will meet him! You are a wonderful woman and a loving mother. You will succeed and you will be fine. The main thing is that you yourself believe in it. I sincerely wish you good luck and success in resolving your issue.

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Often family relationships cease to seem prosperous, and gradually life turns into a war zone. Often conflict arises between the child and the parents. The son hates the mother, or the daughter - a similar situation can appear in almost any home. And quite often it is not accompanied by serious quarrels. She appears for no apparent reason, just from scratch. But reverse situations are also possible when a child grows up in unfavorable conditions and is constantly attacked by adults.

Regardless of living conditions, parents who receive angry phrases about hatred experience far from the most rosy emotions. After all, adults usually not only repeat, but also believe that they live for the sake of children. In their opinion, they do not deserve such treatment. Or did they deserve it? Why do children hate their mother? There are a variety of reasons. And some of them will be described in the review.

Difficulties of growing up

Such behavior on the part of teenagers is frightening. And what is even worse, often children not only utter such a phrase, but also believe in it. Yes, and then they begin to act as if they sincerely hate. At the same time, family relations can be quite peaceful, normal, when parents are completely sane and try to find with their children.

Mother hates daughter (or son) - this is familiar to many. Usually, such a situation is attributed to the difficulties that are characteristic of the transitional age, when a teenager begins to grow up, tries to find his place, to understand existence. At the same time, the conclusions of the child usually do not coincide with the opinion of the older generation, which causes misunderstanding, and then conflicts appear.

Main causes

In some situations, the transitional age passes smoothly. However, situations where life turns into a nightmare also occur quite often. What are the reasons for such behavior of a teenager?

An incomplete family, it is hard for one mother to cope, so she starts to take out her anger on the child, for which she receives a response.
What other reasons can cause the phrase: “I hate my mother”? Let's say the family is complete. However, parents can hate each other, which negatively affects the child himself.
The phrase can be called a total lie when the parents have a relationship on the side.
Hatred often appears if there are several children in a family, and someone is loved more and someone less.
What kind of mother is hated? A child may experience a feeling of hatred for that mother who does not pay attention to him at all, does not care and does not support him in difficult moments.

The above reasons are the most striking. They demonstrate that not everything is as smooth as we would like in the family. Children feel these situations on a subconscious level, which is why they begin to utter phrases such as “I hate my mother.”

However, problems can be solved by correcting the situation. But this should be wanted first of all by one of the adults. It is enough just to accept that troubles still take place, and find an experienced specialist who is able to normalize relations in the family.

When aggression appears out of the blue

Problems can arise without any reason. For example, the situation in the family is normal, but the teenager still vents anger. What causes such situations? Never forget that a child's behavior is just a symptom. It signals that there is some kind of problem even if at first glance everything is fine.

In such a situation, psychological help is needed primarily by the parents, not the child. Only a specialist will be able to find problems and eliminate them painlessly for all family members. Otherwise, the child will simply lead to a nervous breakdown.

Bad upbringing

There is a possibility that certain mistakes in upbringing can lead to the phrase: "I hate my mother." Naturally, there are quite a lot of them, it is not worth listing them all. However, most mistakes quite often come down to an excessive number of restrictions, various prohibitions on the part of the older generation.

Perhaps the parents scheduled the life of their children by the minute, not allowing them to deviate from the planned plan. At the same time, they think that they are doing the right thing, bringing only benefit. However, teenagers begin to feel that they are trapped, they no longer have enough freedom. They can break down, come to terms with such a circumstance, accept the rules of the game, or they can show aggression.

It should also be noted that a reaction to prohibitions may not appear immediately, but it will definitely manifest itself when anger accumulates and forces appear that are enough to resist parents. And then the question will begin to arise why an adult son hates his mother. Or the daughter will not have the best feelings for her parents when she grows up.

Reasons for overprotection

Daughter or son hates mother... Such a situation can be the result of overprotection. How to communicate with children so that there is neither excessive guardianship nor permissiveness? First, it is worth talking about why many parents seek to patronize their child.

First, there may be beliefs that parenting should be strict. Otherwise, the child will simply slide down the slope. And the higher the manifestation of severity, the stronger the love from the parents. And this means that the child will be happy. But this point of view rarely leads to positive results.

Secondly, parents may be afraid that their children are bound to make a lot of mistakes. A similar reason resembles the first, but less global. If in the first case, parents are afraid of the unfortunate fate of a teenager, then in the second they are simply worried that he would not catch a cold or get a deuce.

Third, parents may stop feeling needed if they stop controlling their children. And if the child is independent, then it turns out that they live in vain? But, again, this view is wrong.

Does the mother hate her daughter? Psychology admits that one of the above reasons is to blame, which is not able to establish a good atmosphere in the family. But it may well lead to even more serious conflicts. It is necessary to figure out how to be in such situations, how to behave.

Wanting to be needed

Does the son hate his mother? Psychology admits that the reason for this is the desire to “be needed” by your child. Such a desire signals that there is a complex of lack of demand, and most importantly, dislike for oneself for this on the part of parents.

In such a situation, thoughts begin to appear that if no one needs me, then I exist in vain. Instead of rejoicing in the success, independence of their children, parents begin to take offense and form more and more new prohibitions. It is because of this that conflicts often arise.

Many parents believe that if they do not control their child, then he will definitely begin to make mistakes. On the one hand, this point of view is absolutely correct. However, it should be understood that the child will make them anyway. Otherwise it is impossible. To learn not to do stupid things, a teenager must first do them and be dissatisfied with the results.

Appropriate approach to prohibitions

Does the teenager hate his mother? To avoid such situations, we must immediately figure out where bans are needed and where not. For example, you can allow experimentation with cooking if there is nothing poisonous in the kitchen. You can also fix your bike. But you should not mess with the outlet, it's dangerous.

You need to understand that you can achieve something worthwhile only through your own experience. And for a child to acquire it, parents should not constantly interfere with advice and recommendations. It is enough to simply determine what is dangerous and what is not. And if in the first case control is necessary, then the child is able to figure it out on his own with the second.

An unenviable fate awaits the child

Where do the fears arise that the fate of a child without constant supervision will necessarily be bad? The causes of fear are usually the same for all parents. If there is a girl in the family, then early pregnancy, drugs and prostitution await her ahead. The boy will definitely get into crime, will constantly fight and will also take drugs.

In such a situation, the question arises whether control will help to avoid such fates. It cannot be answered unambiguously. In some situations, this saves, while in others, on the contrary, it pushes to everything bad. No wonder they say that

What strict upbringing leads to

Overprotection can cause another serious danger. The child will simply get used to being controlled, constantly pulled and forbidden. Over time, he will stop paying attention to the words of his parents. Accordingly, this will lead to the fact that he will begin to violate everything that is possible, without particularly understanding the situation. And in this he will be guided by two principles. Either parents will intervene and protect, save from problems, or they will punish anyway, so why not do it.

In such a situation, he will follow instructions from his parents exactly the opposite. For example, if he was told that he could not walk without a scarf in winter, he would definitely try to go outside without it. And if he doesn’t get sick, and there won’t be any problems because of this, then other parental prohibitions don’t make any sense.

It may seem that an undressed scarf and drugs are too far apart. But in the child's psyche, they stand side by side with each other, since, according to parental rules, almost everything is prohibited. Accordingly, in such a situation, reasonable boundaries cease to be developed. And that's why you want to break the bans so much.

Is it empty?

What if the daughter hates the mother? Or maybe the son has negative feelings towards his parents? Outbreaks of aggression can also manifest themselves from scratch, when prohibitions with restrictions are reasonable and few in number, and peace and order reign in the family. Such situations are rare, but they do happen.

It must be understood that sooner or later the child will enter the big world and try to take a certain place in it in order to avoid encountering difficulties. After all, problems with peers can be quite painful.

In such a situation, the children will begin to take out their anger on their parents, because it is impossible to conflict with classmates, you can run into even bigger problems. And parents obviously will not answer the same. And loving mothers are not at all capable of showing negative emotions towards their children. Such situations are insulting, wrong, but it happens.

However, it is not worth saying that parents are completely innocent in such situations. First, the child subconsciously understands that the cause of many problems in relationships with classmates is the result of upbringing. And secondly, allowing rudeness towards yourself, you can one day hear the phrase: “I hate my mother.” Such situations are paradoxical, but they happen.

In families where it is customary to treat each other with respect, there are usually no reasons for such phrases. Often this happens only if the mother initially put herself in the position of a “servant”.

Problem solving

I hate my mother, what should I do? To cope with such a manifestation of aggression, it is necessary to change the position. But this is not so easy, as it requires working on yourself, revising the principles and your own behavior. Moreover, both adults and children will have to change.

On the other hand, children's emotions need to be released. Therefore, it is not recommended to attach great importance to negative manifestations. But this is allowed only if there is an opportunity to talk, discuss what happened, learn about the true reasons. This situation is ideal, because both parents will calm down, and the child is aware of his feelings.

Finding a way out of the situation

What to do if a child hates his mother? Regardless of the difference in character, bad relationship, it is almost impossible to stop loving mom. However, due to conflicts and constant quarrels, life turns into a nightmare. For this reason, we must try to find a way out of the situation.

Most importantly, do not forget that a mother will not cause pain, ruin life on purpose, just because she wants to. She just thinks that all her actions are beneficial, and in the future you will thank her for this.

Below are some tips that will help you deal with the situation that has arisen and resolve the conflict.

We just need to talk heart to heart. Try to convey to her that you appreciate the care, are grateful for the help provided, but you need something completely different, you want to achieve other goals, and not those that your mother sets for you.
In no case should you break loose, say bad words. Such behavior will only exacerbate the situation. Yes, and mom from this will only be more painful and offensive.
If you are an independent person and do not want to be constantly influenced by your parents, find a way to prove it. Start earning money, live separately. In such a situation, it will be possible to avoid constant control by parents and acquire personal space. Yes, and you can spend your free time at your own discretion.
Perhaps mother considers herself lonely? Make her feel needed, help her find the meaning of life. Perhaps she just needs a friend with whom she can walk, talk about pressing matters. Maybe you can find a hobby for her. The main thing is to leave as little space as possible for negative emotions in her life.

What should parents do?

First of all, you can't command your children all the time, constantly demand something from them, put pressure on them psychologically. It is best to try to find a compromise, to agree with each other, to carefully listen to the opinion of the child. Naturally, he will agree with your point of view, but all the same, he will hold a grudge inside, which will definitely make itself felt later.

Secondly, do not forget that children have their own lives. She needs to be interested. Do not avoid communication with the child, learn about his experiences and help with advice. There should be no ridicule, even if the problems seem banal and stupid. For children, all their troubles look global, crisis. Therefore, they need help and support. And if all this does not happen, then they will not experience positive emotions for their parents.

Thirdly, it is necessary to try to find a common language with the child, to become a friend for him, accepting all the shortcomings and virtues. Parents just need to feel in the body of a teenager. Feeling all the grievances experienced, overestimating difficult situations, you can form a wonderful relationship. But do not forget that it is necessary to work constantly to maintain relationships.

Conclusion

Does the mother hate the daughter or the son? Do not treat such an event as a tragedy. This is just an indicator that there are problems in the relationship, and they need to be dealt with, to look for a way out of the situation.

Remember that there are two settings - child and adult. In the first case, parents are frightened and offended. And this only exacerbates the situation. In the second case, parents try to deal with the problem. Which setup is right for you? But we can say with confidence that if the problem is not solved, then more than once you will have to hear the phrase: “I hate my own mother!”

“She never loved me, moreover, it seems to me that my own mother hates me.
How many nasty things I always had to listen to from her, curses.
If I do something wrong, she's almost ready to kill me. If I act in my own way and do as I please, then I encounter such hatred and anger. She calms down only when something bad happens in my life. At these moments, she can really come to my aid. I also noticed how happy she is when I argue with my husband. And he does everything so that we do not live with him.
If he buys me something elegant and beautiful, I see how her eyes sparkle with envy, although she carefully tries to hide it. The next day he tries to buy the same thing.
If we make repairs in the apartment, then it doesn't even take a month for her to start changing something too. I have a feeling that she is haunted when I have something better than hers ... how can this be?
It really seems to me sometimes that my own mother hates me, although I did nothing wrong. On the contrary, I always try to help her.”

Yes, indeed, because of my profession, I often see how my own mother hates her daughter.
The relationship between the two closest people is permeated with hatred, anger and envy.

Mother and daughter are deeply intertwined intimate relationships that have no analogues. Because of this closeness, all the opposites and extremes of human feelings are intertwined in this relationship.
And if a woman sees only hatred in a relationship, then this is not entirely true, even in the worst relationship between mother and daughter, there is a place for love.
Everything depends on the degree of repression of feelings, on those deep problems that your family carries through the female line.
All feelings are polar - love - hate, joy - sadness, anger - peace.

All feelings have their place in close relationships. Where there is love, there will be hatred... This is the law of nature, everything depends on the spiritual development of a person. If he is stuck in his childhood positions, if the childhood past still weighs on him, then it is difficult for him to share feelings of hatred and love.
Watching children, we see how they can beat each other in a frenzy and immediately play as if nothing had happened.

If an offended, traumatized child has a strong influence on an adult, then of course the adult will behave and react like a child.

For a woman, a daughter, this is very difficult to understand. Because there is an idea that a mother is an adult, stronger, who loves, cares and unconditionally accepts her child, her daughter.

But if only one adult lived inside the unconscious, then there would be no problems. But inside every mother lives her inner child, that daughter who did not receive from her mother much of what she would like to receive.

We can only give what we have.

If your mother didn't get everything she should have received from her own mother, how can she give it to you? If her own mother hated her more than she loved, if she saw in her a man she hated, if she envied her own daughter. Her beauty and well-being, then how can your mother treat you?
Of course, it happens when women begin to treat their daughters differently, based on the fact that they could not get what they want, they give it all to their daughter.

Very many women are emotionally dependent on their mother until the end of their days, even if they live at a great distance from her, even if the mother is no longer alive. The presence or absence does not affect the emotional connection in any way.
Soul threads do not depend on distances.

The child is born into an absolutely dependent relationship with the mother. Mom, her love and acceptance become the meaning of the child's life. Mom is the only person who connects the child with reality.

It is said that the sins of parents are passed down to the 7th generation.
Yes, it is, only we, psychoanalysts, say that it is not sins, but painful scenarios that are passed down from generation to generation.

Your mother was also a daughter.
If your mother has a good relationship with your grandmother, then you are unlikely to face open hatred, envy and anger.
On the contrary, the relationship with the daughter will replace all other relationships in life. Often such women do not have husbands. And if there are any, then they are emotionally separated from the mother-daughter pair, mother and daughter are the only close friends. They do everything together - shopping, vacations, consulting on everything. They are aware of every little thing and every detail of life.
It can be difficult for such daughters to arrange their personal lives, and if they have a close relationship with a man, then the mother's influence in her life is enormous. Very often this influence is not realized, it is hidden, veiled.

Mother and daughter may swear. They may not talk to each other, be offended, but the connection continues to be.

Another type of relationship where your mother had a bad or not so good relationship with her own mother.
There is a danger here that your mother, being a girl, did not receive love, warmth and care from her mother.
Her inner girl has always been deprived of warmth and love, attention and tenderness. She never had beautiful dresses, shoes, dolls…

In addition to her adult part, this little offended girl lives inside your mother, and it is she who will be jealous of you. It is she who will envy, hate, be jealous of everything that was not in her life.
If there is something better in your life, it will cause a feeling of rivalry and deprivation. These feelings are deeply repressed and it is difficult for mothers to feel them and even more difficult to admit them.

I often hear surprise and incomprehension from my clients when they first discover how jealous their own mother is when faced with the fact that their own mother hates them.
If there are conflicts along the female line, they will be passed down from generation to generation.

The conflict between mother and daughter is aggravated by the fact that during the period of the Oedipus complex, when the girl switches her love and interest to the opposite parent.
Here unconscious jealousy and anger arise in the mother. She often feels that her daughter and husband have some special relationship. Where there is no place for her. And again, it is not the adult part of the wife and mother that begins to speak in her, but the childish part, which feels abandoned, betrayed and abandoned.
If such a woman gives birth to a boy, then the strength of this internal conflict subsides, because the woman and her son have a different relationship.
With a boy, her inner girl is silent. The boy does not cause feelings of jealousy and the boy is always more attached to his mother than to his father.

The biggest problem in the daughter's life is the second separation from her mother.
To break the “psychological umbilical cord” with your mother is to stop being dependent on her opinion, approval and advice. It's to stop feeling guilty, to stop trying to be good all the time.
To break the “umbilical cord” is to learn to live your adult life and take part in the life of your mother, not from the position of a child, each time experiencing childish feelings, but from the position of an adult.
Only by becoming an adult, having resolved your deep childhood conflicts with your mother, you will be able to stop the painful scenario of your feminine gender. You can not only help yourself, but also your mother, if she is still alive.
Growing up and separation is a long and painful process, in my experience, real separation occurs after 3-4-5 years of therapy.
During this time, a woman goes through the stages of her formation in her female role and discovers the ability for true love and a healthy, adult relationship with a man.
If there are conflicts with the mother, then the woman cannot be happy inside herself. Conflicting with a woman, it is not possible to discover the Woman in oneself and accept the Feminine nature in oneself.
It is not possible to love yourself and your body, accept yourself and forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings.

Relationship with mother creates a deep perception of oneself and a deep attitude towards oneself, which we call “self-love”.
The past cannot be returned, it is not possible to change your mother, but you can change yourself and having lived through your childhood experiences, transform them into a new, different experience of your relationship and your life.
The first such step towards understanding and awareness of deep conflicts with the mother can be training: "Leaving the past in the past."

My daughter hates me. It's just impossible to get through to her in order to improve relations. She listens to strangers, but not to her mother. What should I do?

Answers from psychologists

Tamara, good afternoon,

"If you want to raise a child, educate yourself" - this is the most true rule for all adults today.

Children/teenagers are a mirror of our condition. They are only busy filling themselves, shaping their behavior, their character. And it is important for us, at least not to disturb them in this. Ideally, help with all your heart and mind, taking into account the peculiarities of their perception and giving them enough energy of love and acceptance. Whatever they were at the time of growth. And no matter how they behave.

Does she listen to strangers?

No wonder. Reread the text of your letter, which should be read by dozens of people with psychological education and practice. Tell them and me how to help you? based on the information you provided.

How old is your daughter? What is the composition of the family? What kind of relationship did you have before? What exactly does she not want to listen to you about, etc., etc....

How can I do without this data?

It is obvious that communication with the daughter follows the same pattern.

The letter contains demands, claims, accusations against the child. Therefore, before trying to somehow deal with the character of the girl, detailed work is needed with you, as with a mother who does not have time / does not want / does not consider it necessary to grow up after the child.

Please do not be offended by the harshness.

I really hope that you are self-critical and constructive. And, indeed, they are interested in resolving the situation with their daughter.

If you want to change something, then be prepared to face the painful experiences of change, which always involve two people. And not just your child, who still owes nothing to anyone.

Sincerely,

Konshina Anastasia, psychologist Almaty

Good answer 2 bad answer 0

Hello, Tamara! Obviously, you didn't have such a relationship with your daughter yesterday. Relationships are not a TV that, if broken, can be fixed overnight. This is a long, multi-year process. The process of building trust, giving love and care. What and how much you managed to give to your daughter, exactly how much you get from her. if the daughter is a teenager, then all those tasks that were not solved before this age are exacerbated to the limit. How did you yourself treat your daughter, did you trust her, did you accept her with all her shortcomings, did you give unconditional love? It may be difficult for you to answer this question yourself, but your daughter answers it with her behavior. The best way to gain trust is to honestly admit to yourself and your daughter that mistakes were made, at one time, whether out of ignorance, for any other reason, it doesn’t matter, it’s important to talk about it and ask, perhaps, for forgiveness, try to start building relationships again - without judgment or criticism, but with love and acceptance. This requires work on yourself - not easy and not fast, but it is necessary if you want to be with your daughter in a good, trusting relationship. Good relationships are not given just like that, you need to work on them, invest. If you are ready for this, go to a psychologist, better yet alone. As soon as you begin to change, your daughter will also begin to change. Otherwise it won't work. Good luck to you!

Kaydarova Asel Abdu-Alievna, psychologist Almaty

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Hello, TAMARA. It is obvious that you are in pain, bad, you are desperate, the future in the relationship is foggy. With such scarce information, there is nothing to answer. If you are in Almaty, come for a consultation. We'll figure out how to get through. We'll get by without blaming you. All the best.

Best regards, Aigul Sadykova.

Good answer one bad answer 0

Hello Tamara.

Now you need to understand a simple thing. Your daughter needs you very much! The hatred that she shows is the other side, a consequence of her love for you. Apparently now it is very difficult for her and she does not find another form of interaction. Or maybe it's a provocation or revenge, in any case, she needs love and support. Can you give it to her? It seems to me that you yourself need and want to receive support from your daughter, through her recognition of your authority. Only by filling yourself up will you change your relationship with your daughter. And nothing else!

Anna Kanaeva, psychologist Almaty

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Hello, Tamara!

Come to psychotherapy.

If you start to change, your interaction with your daughter will start to change.

I can be of service to you.

Eliseeva Galina Mikhailovna, psychologist Almaty

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Hello, Tamara.

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