Why is she with him

Why Did She Choose Him Over Me?


Harris O'Malley

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What's up, everyone? Welcome to the latest installment of Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column that understands the difference between Tsundere and Yandere and why you should run like hell from both of them.

This week, we're running the relationship spectrum from a young man who thinks he's been Friend Zoned and another guy afraid to screw up his first relationship.

Let's do this.

Hi Dr. Nerdlove

I enrolled into a university and I met this girl (Let's call her Strawberry) who has always been such an eye catcher. Every time I see her, it brings out the smile in me. So she lives at the same dorm as I am and she lives two floors below me. (I'm not a stalker, somehow I got to know her roommate, Pineapple. I have a weird choice of names but yea)

After 2 months I finally got the chance to speak to Strawberry. Her roommate invited me and Strawberry out for a cup of coffee and we got to know each other better. We talked till late night and Pineapple had other friends to attend to, so I walked back with Strawberry because she felt tired. When we got back to the dorm she asked me to sit awhile and she wanted to talk to me, so we ended up talking till the next morning about her life, about the tragedy that happened to her sister. She said talking to me was like no other because I paid full attention to her while she was speaking, (yes because I was really into her). During finals period, she was always tense and worried about finals and she regularly missed breakfast. Throughout her finals week I gave her moral support and of course buying breakfast and sometimes made breakfast for her to serve her in front of her room.

Winter term came and we had different math classes but it was at the same time in the same building. I walked with her more frequently now and we got closer. I helped her out in many ways, applying for scholarship, adding and dropping classes, followed her to her advisor's appointment (all because she asked me if I wanted to tag along), so I went with it. We would always have dinner every night (with Pineapple too) and we just had that time to "bond". Everything was going well and we even constantly cook together and to eat together. I would also help her in her math because she was uncertain and weak in maths. Many things happened this term and of course with new terms come new people.

A new guy (Apple) came into her life after finals for Winter Term. He cooks and I think he looks better than me. They would have physical touches between each other, share the same couch while watching TV and lots more. She knew him for maybe two weeks and you can see them always hitting each other (in that nice sweet way). She knew me for 6 months now, I'm always trying my best to be nice to her and all I get is being poked at my arms, and it was only twice. (I literally counted because it meant a lot to me)

So everything happened this morning, she asked me whether we wanted to make breakfast. I went down to find her alone, (because she's always with her roommate, Pineapple) So I was shocked but yea it made me happy for a while. We made breakfast and she would bring up the spoon for me to taste and I would do the same back. So after preparing breakfast, we went out to the TV lounge to eat while watching TV. Suddenly this guy (Apple) came and shared the sofa with her, they got really comfy which kinda disgusted me. They would hit each other and roll around on the sofa together. I was heartbroken and I just left them because I was too disgusted to be there. Am I just a toy to play around? Is this a game?

I invested too much of my time on a beautiful vase and it broke today. ..

Sad Investor

Well this brought back unpleasant flashbacks. I've been where you are SI. In fact, when I was in college I had the great joy of watching a girl I'd had a crush on for years hook up with a guy in my class after she came up specifically to see me. But as much as I sympathize… well, I hate to say this, but you've basically done this to yourself.

Now before I get to the nitty gritty, I want to take a moment to address the topic of The Friend Zone. Specifically: it doesn't exist.

Here's the cold hard truth about "The Friend Zone": all that's happened is that this person doesn't want to date you or sleep with you. That's it. There's no malice involved. You're not being exiled, tricked, toyed with, kept on "the friend ladder" or any other horseshit, she's just not into you the way you're into her. Period, the end.

(Before folks start in in the comments about the one who blatantly "kept them around for entertainment value" or whatever: yes, occasionally you will find somebody who's a user and strings people along for giggles or attention or whatever. That's got absolutely nothing to do with the Friend Zone and everything to do with the fact that those people are assholes. Completely different thing.)

Part of the problem with the concept of the Friend Zone is that it presumes that a sexual relationship is the primary reason to interact with women, and friendship is the consolation prize, the vastly inferior substitute. It encourages dudes to treat women like vending machines where if you put enough Nice Guy tokens in, eventually sex falls out. Holding on to an attitude like that is going to run counter to the idea of actually talking with women like human beings.

And the thing is: the Friend Zone is insanely easy to avoid. Case in point: Sad Investor's situation.

Let me break it down for you. Strawberry hasn't been toying with you or keeping you around because she's mean. She thinks of you as a friend… because you've been acting like a friend. You've been hanging out with her, talking with her, helping out with classes and paperwork, even making sure she eats properly during finals week.

You know what you haven't been doing? You haven't been treating her like someone you want to date. You haven't made your move. You haven't asked her out on a date. Not "to hang out" or "study" but actual kiss-at-the-end-of-the-night date.

Instead… well, it sounds to me like you were hoping that Strawberry was going to do the heavy lifting for you and notice all the ways you've been there for her and realize she's madly in love with you and then it'd be cartoon birds and sloppy makeouts forever after. Except it doesn't work like that. You have to take the risks and make your play, and you didn't.

You know who did make a move? Apple. He started flirting with her, playing around with her and making it clear that he was into her as a potential lover, not as a friend. He wasn't assuming that just being nice was all it took to win her heart because really, being nice is the baseline for human interaction. And if you've been doing all of this just to get her to date you… well, I hate to say it, but you haven't been a good friend to her. Hanging around her because you have an agenda isn't friendship, it's a way of trying to use someone to get what you want and that's a shitty way to treat a person you care about.

So, here's what you do: accept that you're friends with Strawberry (and that being friends is a good thing on its own) and then you move on. I know it sucks; I've been in your shoes more times than I can reliably count. But there will be other women who will be as awesome and amazing as Strawberry, and this time you'll understand that if you want to date them, you have to make your move.

Good luck.

Hey Dr. Nerdlove,

I'm 23 years old and I've recently gotten my first girlfriend. She's really great.... pretty much everything I ever wanted in a girl. We're both huge math nerds, vegetarians, and other things in common. The thing is, I'm really inexperienced and I really don't know what I'm doing.

She actually had a crush on me first. When I learned this it sort of weirded me out. I've only had 1 other girl have a crush on me. She initiated everything pretty much: she first talked to me, she asked me out on our first date, she touched my leg at the movies first, she kissed me first, etc. I really never have had a girl do all that for me.

On our past dates, we would do a soft kiss on the lips, but I could tell she wanted more this time. So, on our last date, she was driving home. When we were almost to my car, I told her she was my first girlfriend. She sounded a little freaked out, but not overly. Then, when I was about to leave, she went for a kiss. At first, I just kissed her on the lips, but then, she went for more. She put some tongue in there. I made out with a few girls at parties before, but never somebody I cared about. I got really uncomfortable and ended the kiss prematurely.

I really like her a lot: I enjoy talking with her and we have a lot in common. I just don't want to mess this up. For our first few dates, I could just google things beforehand and get advice, but I really couldn't find anyone in the same situation as me now. So, like, how do I get better at this stuff if I really can't practice? Is there anything I should say? Should I apologize for being a weirdo and never having a girlfriend? What's some general advice?

Thanks a lot,

L2P N00b

OK, N00b, take a deep breath and calm down. Seriously, you are inventing problems where there aren't any. Let's look at this objectively: she approached you first. She asked you out. She kissed you. She has done everything to let you know she likes you short of beating you over the head with a giant sign that says "I LIKE YOU, DUMBASS".

Suffice it to say: this is going to take some serious doing to screw up. But it can be done… especially when you're constantly freaking out about the possibility of screwing things up. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you let go of that belief that you're walking on the knife-edge between success and failure, everything will quickly get so much better.

Right now, you're anxious because you've never had a relationship before and don't know what you're doing. You're hoping that there's a walkthrough or a FAQ, but there really isn't. You're not a weirdo because you haven't had a girlfriend before. Everybody starts from the same place and learns as they go.

Here's a secret that folks who've had more dating experience have learned: there is no one way to have a relationship. There are some general practices that help smooth things out, but in the end, every relationship is going to be different because every person is different. The key is that you learn to relax and take each relationship as it comes. Every relationship is a learning experience; you're learning about her and about yourself at the same time.

And here's the thing: she wants this to work as much as you do. This is new to her too, and she's just as exhilarated and nervous as you are. She's worried about messing up, that she's going to say something or do something wrong and it's all going to fall apart. You're both in this together.

So take another deep breath, relax, and talk to her. Explain that you're crazy about her and you're nervous because this is all new to you. Don't apologize, because there's nothing wrong with having not been in a relationship. Get it all out there so she understands where you're coming from. And believe me: she will understand, because she's feeling it too and the two of you can work through it together because that's the whole point of relationships.

So take a breath. Relax. It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine.

Good luck.

Remember your first relationship? Do you have stories about how you made your move that won the heart of your honey? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section, and we'll see you in two weeks with more of your questions!

Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku's bi-weekly advice column for matters of the heart, hosted by the one and only Harris O'Malley, AKA Dr. Nerdlove. Got a question you'd like answered? Write [email protected] and put "Kotaku" in the subject line. Man, woman, single, married, he's got advice for everyone.

Harris O'Malley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove. Dr. Nerdlove is not really a doctor.

15 Clear Signs She Is Using You And How To Stop It

Beware, you might be on a wrong path.

Image: Shutterstock

You see a gorgeous and kind woman, and everything between the two of you is going great. But there is something off about the relationship that may raise a question, “Is she using me?” Though you have deep emotions for her, you are unsure about her intentions. There are days she goes all out and showers you with immense love, and then there are some days when she acts like you are nobody and do not exist.

It may be difficult to consider and then determine if your partner is using you, especially when you have strong feelings for her. Some people may be good at convincing, but several indicators may help you figure out the truth.

Keep reading this post as we talk about tell-a-tale signs your partner is using you.

Why Your Partner Might Be Using You?

Why would a woman you like and adore decide to take advantage of you? What motivates her to mistreat you and break your heart? People, be it women or men, might use others for a variety of reasons. These reasons often indicate that they don’t mind trampling on your feelings. Here are a few possible reasons your partner might be using you.

  • Some people like to be the center of attention. The adoration they receive from others is a huge ego boost for them. Such people love having someone around to pay them the attention they crave.
  • Some people are stuck on their ex and might use you to make their ex jealous. They want to flaunt you in front of their ex to prove they have moved on.
  • Certain individuals may not be interested in you but in someone close to you. They might use you to gain easy access to this person.
  • A few people want someone who is always available for them. They connect with a person who does their chores, solves their problems, and slaves away while they sit back and relax.
  • Some people use others for sex. They get close to someone to meet their physical needs while keeping other options open.
  • Some people want to live a high life. They love things that money can buy and find it acceptable to use others for their money. By being with you, they will get to enjoy all your privileges.

Related: 15 Telltale Signs She Is Developing Feelings For You

15 Clear Signs She Is Using You

Read on as we tell you the clear signs she is using you. Keep an eye out for these signs to decide if the woman you are dating or in a relationship is worthy of your love, trust, and time.

1. You pay all her bills

Image: Shutterstock

Every time you two go out, you end up paying for everything. You always pick up the tab when you go on a date. If you go shopping, you pay for her clothes. Whenever you go on trips, you pay for the tickets and the lodging. She even asks you to pay her phone bills by giving you lame excuses.

While it is ok to pay for your girlfriend sometimes, you should remember that a relationship is a partnership, and the two of you should be on equal footing. If you have been paying all her bills until now, it is a clear indicator she is using you for your money.


She comes to you only when she needs help

She completely blows you off when she is doing well — she ignores your texts and calls, insults you, or is rude to you. Even if she is free, she doesn’t show much interest in meeting you and tells you she needs her space. However, whenever she needs something, her behavior changes — she suddenly acts friendly, compliments you, and tries to sweet-talk you.

While it is natural to seek each other’s help, depending on the other person to fulfill every need signals exploitation. If you get the feeling that she comes to you only when she wants something, she might be using you.

Related: 12 Signs She Is Testing You And Ways To Win Her Over

3. The relationship feels one-sided

A relationship is a two-way street. Both partners have to put in efforts to make it succeed. If you are the only one putting in all the hard work, the relationship is one-sided.

A woman who truly likes you would be grateful for all your work to make the relationship work. She would appreciate all your gestures, however small they may be, and ensures that she reciprocates and makes you happy. A woman who doesn’t reciprocate is most likely taking advantage of you.

4. She manipulates you

Image: iStock

A manipulator in a relationship only cares about fulfilling their whims and needs. They are selfish and don’t care about their partner’s feelings. A woman who uses you is manipulating and controlling your actions to get what she wants. You might be led to do things you don’t agree with and she might try emotionally blackmailing you. Even if she makes mistakes, she will blame you and force you to apologize.

She might also hold off sex or use it as a reward to coerce you into fulfilling her demands. Playing the victim, gaslighting, and guilt-tripping are classic signs of a manipulator. This is the definition of a type of toxic relationship, one that is unlikely to change.

5. She does everything on her terms

A woman who is using you will do everything on her terms. She will discard your opinions because you are only a means to an end. She will do things that make her happy without caring about your happiness.

If she wants to go to a particular place for dinner, she will demand to go there. All your dates or outings will be according to her choices. You already have something planned, but she wants to go out with her friends; she will ditch you or persuade you to give in to her demands. In such a relationship, you will always be the one who has to compromise.

Related: 20 Clear Signs He Is Using You And What To Do About It

6. Your friends have not warmed up to her

Sometimes, your close friends see the things you may not see. They have the outsider’s perspective and can sense her true nature sooner than you do. Do your friends dislike your girlfriend? Have they tried to caution you about her? Do they believe she is taking advantage of you?

If they think she is using you, she likely is. She has you wrapped around her finger, so you might not notice it, but the fake charm will not fool your friends. If she realizes your friends are trying to help you, she might try to alienate you from them.

7. She demands expensive stuff

Image: Shutterstock

A girl who is interested in your money will demand expensive gifts from you. She would not feel happy with small romantic tokens such as flowers and would expect you to buy her big-ticket and branded items. For instance, she might demand Louboutin shoes and would not be ok with a reasonably priced pair of heels.

Often, she will make you feel guilty or bad about yourself for not giving her what she wants. If receiving gifts is one of her “love languages,” it is natural for her to ask for gifts occasionally. However, if your woman has never-ending demands and expects expensive items beyond your means, she is using you.

8. She avoids introducing you to her friends and family

A girl who is genuinely into you would happily introduce you to her friends and family. She would want the world to know you two are together. However, for a girl who is using you, you are not very important. You are just someone who is fulfilling her needs at the moment. Once she gets what she wants from you, she moves on.

Introducing you to friends or family would be an unnecessary complication for her. It would also be risky since she might fear someone exposing her in front of you. She might give you flimsy excuses if you keep insisting. Even if you run into them, she would introduce you as her friend and not boyfriend.

9. She disregards your needs

Whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, your girlfriend is unavailable. Even if you are not well, she doesn’t offer to take care of you. She might send caring messages, but she doesn’t personally come and help. All you get from her are excuses.

When you vent to her about something, she doesn’t pay attention, changes the topic, or tells you to stop complaining. However, if she wants to vent or needs help, you are expected to listen. If your girlfriend disregards your needs and ditches you in difficult situations, it is a huge red flag.

Related: 25 Clear Signs She Doesn’t Like You Anymore And What To Do

10. There is no emotional connection

An emotional connection between a couple is essential to build a healthy relationship. If there is no emotional connection, the relationship will fizzle out. Assess your relationship. Do you feel a strong emotional connection with your girlfriend? Does she open up to you about her life, dreams, insecurities, and emotions? Has she ever told you how she feels about you? Do you have meaningful conversations?

If your girl is closed off emotionally and only talks about materialistic things or what she wants you to do for her, she is probably taking advantage of you.

11. You are an option, not a priority

Image: Shutterstock

You will not be a priority for a woman who is using you. She will come to you only if she has no other option or wants something from you. You might always have to vie for her attention and time. If you ask her to spend more time with you, she might tell you that she is busy or has other plans. However, when no one else is available, she might expect you to drop everything and meet up even if you have plans. She might also make plans with you and bail out at the last minute if something else comes up more interesting to her.

You deserve someone who makes you a priority. If she treats you as merely an option, it is time to rethink the relationship.

12. Her demeanor changes if you decide to stay in

Whenever you get together, your woman is only interested in partying with friends or living it up. If you would rather choose to stay indoors, her entire demeanor changes. She scarcely gives you any attention and instead focuses on her phone or some movie that might be on.

There is also hardly any cuddling or talking, and the silence between the two of you is suffocating. If she is often grumpy when you both spend time indoors, it is a huge warning sign.

Related: 27 Strong Signs She Loves You But Is Scared Of Her Feelings

13. She often talks about one of your friends

Sometimes, people get involved with someone to get close to their friend. Such people will stay with you while building rapport with your friend and discard you once they fulfill their objective.

Does your woman bring up a particular friend of yours during random conversations? Is she enthusiastic to know more about him? Does she insist on accompanying you when she knows she will get to see this friend of yours? Have you seen her trying to be extra friendly with him, and does she seem to ignore you when he is around? If the answer to these questions is a big yes, then in all probability, she is interested in your friend, not you, and is just using you to gain access to him. A relationship like this is a colossal waste of time.

14. You don’t have a special place in her life

Image: Shutterstock

If a woman is into you, you would have a special place in her life, and she would try to make you a part of all the key moments in her life. On the other hand, a girl who uses you would not make any adjustments to fit you in her life. She would not inform you about the important happenings in her life, and you might come to know about them from a third person or through social media. Your Instagram might be full of her pictures, but she would avoid posting about you.

You would always be in the dark about her whereabouts. She might have grand plans for her future, but you wouldn’t feature in any of them. A person who is not ready to involve you in her life can never build a fulfilling relationship with you. It is time to end such a relationship.

15. You constantly feel drained and anxious

In your relationship, if whatever you do is never enough for her, it can make you feel drained and anxious. You try to make your woman happy and prove your love, yet it doesn’t seem to be enough. It is exhausting to always run to her aid and never get anything in return from her. Moreover, nagging, mind games, and manipulations can severely affect your mental health.

If, at some point in a relationship with your girl, your instincts say something is not right, and you wonder, is she using me? You may rather step out of it. A healthy relationship should make you feel happy and content, not apprehensive. These signs could help you understand what your girl’s true feelings are. While knowing that your partner is just using you for their selfish deeds is disgraceful and disheartening, it would help if you knew their intentions early. Moreover, being unaware of the truth may be more hurtful for you in the long run. Also, realizing the truth sooner could help move on from this toxic relationship early. Though it could be tough to deal with this situation initially, it will get better with time. Altogether, do not let the negative experience of such a relationship affect your next one. Instead, be hopeful and have faith; you will find the right person soon.

Key Pointers

  • A rebound relationship, need for money, or intimacy may be the reasons why your girl might be using you.
  • Contacting you at her convenience, keeping the relationship a secret, or ignoring your needs maybe some of the clear signs.
  • Look for more such pointers of a toxic relationship and move away for a happier life.

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Turpal Abdulkerimov - She is with Him (2017) » uNas.


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Lyrics Turpal Abdulkerimov - She is with him translation, lyrics, video, clip

  • Lyrics
  • lyrics

Who is cooler?

Turpal Abdulkerimov


Vahid Ayubov

Dark sky, cold rain, you are going somewhere through dirty puddles.
Thoughts of her, thoughts of being all alone and no one else.
She is with another, she is with him, and there are hundreds of reasons for this, and you, and you are all alone.
You let her go, she left, she left, already forever, she lived, bloomed for you. Beautiful, tender, and so good, and now the cold rain is with you, you are going somewhere along the dark alleys, you are alone, in a long raincoat, and for her you are no longer important.

Chorus: Dark night, cold rain, you're going somewhere along dark alleys.
And she is with someone else, and she is not waiting for you.
And with you sad cold rain. (2x)

Verse 2:
Sadness, sadness, cigarette smoke, cold rain and gray dawn.
You go further and further, you are not there, she is with someone else, and this is not nonsense.
Other dreams, other dreams, she has a loved one and it's not you.
Weeks passed, years passed, and she told you "bye."

Last evening, last words, sad ending, such is fate.
The dream did not come true, she left, now you are alone, and there is emptiness in your soul.
All that, everything has passed, it's time to forget and there is no need to blame anyone for this.
She is with him, she is with another, and rain and cigarette smoke are with you.

Chorus: Dark night, cold rain, you're going somewhere along dark alleys.
And she is with someone else, and she is not waiting for you.
And with you sad cold rain. (2x)

Gray sky, gray dawn, cold rain, alas, she is gone.
The whole night thinking about her, she is far away, everything is gone for her.
She forgave you a long time ago, though it was not easy to forget.
She is different now and there are plenty of people like you.

Chorus: Dark night, cold rain, you're going somewhere along dark alleys.
And she is with someone else, and she is not waiting for you.
And with you sad cold rain. (2x)

Dark sky, cold rain, through muddy puddles you go somewhere.
Thoughts about her, thoughts of being completely alone, and no one else.
She is with another, she is with him, and for this shaft, hundreds of reasons, and you, and you are all alone.
You let her go, she left, she left, forever, she lived, blossomed for you. Beautiful, gentle, and so good, and now you have a cold rain, along dark alleys you go somewhere, you are alone in a long raincoat, and for her you are not important anymore.

Chorus: Dark night, cold rain, on dark alleys you go somewhere.
And she is with another, and she is not waiting for you.
And with you the sad cold rain. (2x)

Verse 2:
Sadness, sadness, cigarette smoke, cold rain and gray dawn.
You're going further, you're not there, she is with another, and this is not nonsense.
Other dreams, other dreams, she has a favorite and it's not you.
The weeks passed, the years passed, and she told you "bye." "

Last evening, last words, sad end, such is fate.
The dream did not come true, it is gone, now you are alone, and in the soul there is emptiness.
All that, everything went, it's time to forget and do not need someone to blame.
She is with him, she is with another, and with you rain and cigarette smoke.

Chorus: Dark night, cold rain, on dark alleys you go somewhere.
And she is with another, and she does not expect you
And with you the sad cold rain. (2x)

Gray sky, gray dawn, cold rain, alas, it is not.
I spent the whole night thinking about her, she was far away, everything was gone for her.

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