Why do me and my ex keep arguing

How to stop arguing with your ex and get back together!

Every couple argues to some degree; it is impossible to see eye to eye on everything. During a breakup or separation couples have a tendency to argue even more and things can even tend to get nasty at times.

While it is normal to show frustration and even sometimes argue while in a relationship, fighting with your ex after you have broken up is unhealthy and definitely not recommended; whether you are trying to get back together or simply move on, fighting with your ex won’t help you reach your goal.

In this article we will tell you how to stop arguing with your ex and even get back together!

Why are you arguing?

If you are continuously at odds with your ex after a breakup it probably means that you are looking to get back together too quickly. Even though you decided to breakup, you are both having trouble letting go and you are still interacting or at least trying to stay in touch.

When you have been so close to someone and even intimate, it is very challenging to suddenly stop talking to each other. Contrary to popular beliefs you are still drawn to one another and it actually takes a conscious effort not to fight or argue with your ex after a breakup.

A radio silence may be what you need

The best way to prevent conflict is to take your distance or even do a radio silence when coming out of a long term relationship; by making a deliberate and consorted effort to not talk to your ex in the days or weeks following a breakup you ensure that you stop arguing about trivial things.

Furthermore, a radio silence will enable you both to get perspective on your relationship. You are probably too emotionally invested and hurt following a breakup to be able to have an unbiased opinion to assess the conflicts between you and your ex.

Sometimes it is necessary to take a step back in order to make a leap forward. Don’t be afraid to lose contact with your ex. If you have been together for months or even years, not speaking to each other for a few weeks won’t be the end of the world. You will most likely still be drawn to one another and you will have the chance to restore a healthy dialogue in order to stop arguing with your ex and get back together.

What if you share a living or working space?

In some case arguments stem from the fact that you have to either share a living space or because you have to work together. If you are in the process of breaking up but own a home or apartment with your ex, you still have to deal with him or her and even interact in order to sort out the loose ends. Evidently the tensions linked to the breakup spill over into these conversations and it can seem at times as if every dialogue turns into a confrontation. Similarly if you happen to work together or share a business it can become increasingly difficult to get work done if you are constantly at odds or on each back about petty little things.

In order to overcome such situations, you must take the high road, be positive and only take a stand on the non-negotiable. You need to be in a spirit of compromise in order to create new energies between the two of you. Once you have identified issues that you cannot compromise on, we suggest that you address those calmly with your ex.

If you feel that talks breakdown and that you are both on the defensive, we highly suggest that you write a letter to your ex to explain your position. Don’t make demands but rather explain your train of thoughts and why this one element is vital to you and to your overall well-being. If all else fails, we strongly advise that you seek a third party to mediate disputes between the two of you. This can be a love coach, a relationship counselor or another figure of authority with an unbiased opinion; most people in your entourage whether it be friends or family are usually too invested not to take sides.

What if you have kids together?

If you have kids with your ex, the worst case scenario is when you start arguing or fighting over your kids. It can get quite nasty because both parents have a special bond with their children; we all want to be a part of our children’s lives, to be able to make decisions that will impact their well-being and simply to wake up next to them in the morning or to be able to share a breakfast with them.

Once a separation turns into a divorce and custody battles come into play it can become very difficult to control the negativity and find a common ground. The only way to stop arguing with your ex and potentially one day get back together is to realize that the children are the ones’ that are suffering the most from the fighting or verbal clashes.
You must quickly detach yourself from the disagreements that you may have had as a couple and look to engage with your partner in a spirit of compromise, not to make them happy and to give into their desires, but rather for the well-being of your children. Take the high road and make concessions in good faith and when appropriate in order to snap out of the spirit of conflict and to find a common ground on important issues. It’s through this approach that you will stop arguing with your ex and perhaps even maybe get back together down the road once you both realize that you can come together on contentious issues.

Focus on you instead

In order to stop being frustrated with your ex and their behavior, shift your focus on what you can control. Your actions and your well-being are in reality not directly linked to your ex. Many people feel that they need to get back with their ex in order to be happy, fulfilled or to snap out of depression. But on the contrary, if you are hoping to get back with your ex permanently you must first find a healthy balance within and regain a sense of peace and happiness before getting back together.

Take the time to really think about where you are in life and all that used to bring you happiness independently of your relationship before things unraveled. You can find joy in many things: through friends, families, hobbies or even your career. The most important is that you disconnect from your relationship in order to get back to who you truly are.

People have the tendency to lose themselves in their relationship, which causes them to feel disconnected from their true essence. In turn it can make you feel as if you need your ex or your relationship to exist or be fulfilled but not nothing can be further from the truth. Take time to focus on you and your own personal happiness and you will quickly become less frustrated with your circumstance; ultimately you will stop arguing with your ex and could even get back together.

Arguing with your ex means that emotions remain

Arguments are often rooted in passion; it shows that both parties care about a given issue or about each other. Resentment and anger can be flipped into love and compassion if you are willing to stay positive, forgive your ex and look to prevent conflicts.

If you respond positively to negative emotions such as anger, the negativity will go away over time. That’s why we remain optimistic about most if not all the situations that we encounter. Yours is probably no different! If you are willing to be patient, compassionate and positive you will succeed in arguing less and less with your ex and ultimately even get back together.

Your coach here to tell you how to stop arguing with your ex and get back together,


You Need Help: You & the Ex Are Friends — But Fight Like You're Still Together

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

Q: My ex-girlfriend and I broke up a little more than a year ago now. Obviously there are many nuances to our relationship, our break-up, and our current dynamic, but I’m going to ask this question without any of those qualifications (besides that she was my first love and my first long term relationship): When trying to remain friends with your ex, is it “normal” (I know this really doesn’t matter what’s normal or not… maybe I mean healthy? maybe I mean common? maybe I mean expected?) to fight with each other somewhat often? I am of the belief that fighting isn’t a bad thing, especially when it leads to some kind of understanding… so the concept of fighting isn’t in itself the problem I don’t think — it’s that I don’t fight with any of my other friends, and yet me and my ex fight and scream and cry just like we did when we were together. Is this fucked up? Are we just continuing the dynamic we are familiar with? Does this mean that we aren’t really allowing ourselves to be just friends? Some/all of our fighting is definitely based on issues we accumulated during our relationship (trust issues, resentment, etc). I certainly take 50% of the responsibility for our situation, and every time we blow up at each other it isn’t pleasant, but eventually we resolve it and we feel better about it, but it still makes me wonder if this isn’t right… like, if she’s not my girlfriend, why am I doing this? Maybe we shouldn’t be friends? Again, I know you aren’t getting the fully convoluted backstory so you’re going in with limited information to work with, but does this sound fucked up to you or not?


Oh sugar! I think there’s a long answer and a short answer here. I’ll do the short answer first, in case you’re in a rush today: I think you know something is off here — it doesn’t seem like anyone outside this friendship talked to you about this or suggested to you that it was fucked up, I think you’re writing because on some level you think it is, and what you really want to ask is “Am I right in thinking this is fucked up?” I could be totally off here! But in the event that I’m not, and you know that this situation isn’t working for you and what you’re asking for is permission to end it: you have permission, and you don’t need to stay friends with this ex, regardless of your history, if it isn’t a situation that you’re getting something out of. No jury would convict you. You should probably either undertake the work of stemming the arguments and shutting down that aspect of this friendship, or:

Here’s the longer answer. There are, I think, two things to talk about here: being friends with your ex and fighting as a practice. Let’s talk about the second one first because that’s just the kind of day it feels like from over here.

There are so many generalizations and sweeping absolutes we repeat about fighting that sometimes it can be hard to have a real conversation about it. Like there’s the idea that you have a ~perfect relationship~ if you never fight (some of my worst relationships have been ones where we never fought, because it meant everyone was burying their feelings about everything!) or that fighting constantly means you’re REALLY in love because there’s ~passion~ in the relationship (there are lots of ways to demonstrate passion that aren’t constant fighting!)

So that leaves us, largely, on our own to figure out what healthy fighting looks like and when fighting is a sign that something isn’t right. We can try our best to figure those things out collectively (like our lesbian fight club — #5 might be particularly relevant for you), but on some level it has to be an individual rubric. For me personally, there are a few things that I feel make a fight ultimately constructive and worthwhile:

+ Was something about my relationship with this other person transformed in some way? Did I learn about what they do or don’t need from me, or set a precedent for how I want to be treated, etc?
+ Did I learn something or better myself in some way? Learn via someone getting mad at me that something isn’t okay to say, or decide to re-evaluate how I approach a certain topic?
+ Did I exercise/get practice with a communication skill that’s hard for me, like saying no or setting a boundary or getting angry without apologizing?

And so on! And so forth!

I’m not going to ask you to adopt my thoughts on this topic, that would be weird, you’re your own person, but I will ask you to consider this: when you say the fights you have with your ex lead “to some kind of understanding,” what does that mean? Is it an understanding that makes you better off in some way for having had the fight at all? Or is it an understanding that serves to end the fight, for the time being? This, I think, is a question for any of us to ask (although of course the latter type of fighting is kind of inevitable, and all relationships have SOME fights that are just totally awful and bitter and painful and the resolution of which is unsatisfying and nothing good ever comes of it and your best option is to try to forget it even happened, amen).

Are the fights you’re having with this person serving to enrich or educate you in your life outside this relationship? Or are the fights you’re having only pertinent to the relationship itself? If it’s the latter, then I think the reality may be that you’re paying a mortgage on a relationship you’re no longer really living in. I don’t have answers to the following questions, but I’m going to ask them because I think that thinking about them might be productive for you: How much of your time spent with your ex is spent fighting or trying to avoid a fight or processing a fight that already happened? How often, when you’re with them or talking to them, do you feel joy and fun, and how often do you feel frustration or apprehension or anxiety? Are there things of value in your life that you’ve been feeling like you don’t have time or room for that energy could be going towards?

Let’s let that be for a second and put it on the back burner while we talk about being friends with your exes. This is another thing where there isn’t a clear-cut set of rules, no matter what people say — some people swear by staying friends with everyone they’ve ever dated, some need a clean break 100% of the time, most of the time it’s on a case-by-case basis. I don’t know when is the right time to stay friends with an ex and when isn’t! I just don’t. I wish I did because I would sell a book about it that would make a million dollars. I think we can agree, though, that on a fundamental level, if someone is an ex at least one of you has decided that your romantic relationship wasn’t working, and so if your friendship is going to work, it should be substantively different in some way. You say that “some/all of our fighting is definitely based on issues we accumulated during our relationship” — to be honest, nothing you’ve said here makes it sound like your fighting style (or much else) has changed since you broke up.

I know that in this case, there’s history here that’s important to you — your first love! It’s complicated, and I don’t want to dismiss that. I do think, though, that history aside, it’s important to look at this relationship in all its past nuance and ask yourself “What about this relationship do I want to keep in my life? What’s been good?” I’m betting that the answer doesn’t include “constant fighting,” even if you do think that fighting can be okay sometimes. When you make a list of the good things you want to continue experiencing via having your ex in your life, how many of them are still reflective of the people you two are now? Which is a way of asking, are you friends with your ex because you want to keep the person she is now in your life, or because you want the friendship as a memorial to the first important relationship you had? You asked the question yourself: If she’s not your girlfriend, why are you doing this?

Those aren’t meant to be leading questions! It’s totally possible that you and your ex still share a deep passion for standing paddleboarding and she’s the first person you call when you want to talk about Great British Bake-off and she manages to understand and support all your weird family stuff without being judgy about it! Maybe all that stuff has survived the end of your romantic relationship and functions perfectly fine and platonically. Regardless, though, it seems like your fighting is bothering you on some level, and that’s worth addressing.

You could sit down and have a talk with your ex about this. You two have been through a lot already; it should be possible to discuss this. You can say “we fight just like we did when we were dating, and it’s not something I want in my life anymore; can we agree to a different method of dealing with this stuff, or decide that some topics are off-limits now that we’re not together?” You can also ask, if you’re comfortable with it, that they go to other people about frustrations with you before they start a fight about it. It doesn’t have to be talking behind your back, it can just be recognizing that it’s not always fair to make the person you’re having feelings about be the point person for talking through those same feelings. You can commit to, at least on your end of things, de-escalation responses; deciding that you’re not going to engage in these fights, changing your responses to frequent argument triggers, and see if your lack of participation in that dynamic causes it to shift.

Or you can (for now, at least), end this friendship. You broke up once; you could do it again. You can tell her “this friendship seems like it’s replicating some of the worst parts of our dating relationship and I think we should take some time and space apart while we both learn other styles of relating to people.” When you imagine doing that, what does it bring up for you? What’s your instinctive reaction? Is it sadness? Anxiety? Relief? A combination? Whatever that feeling is, it’s going to give you probably a more honest and helpful answer than I ever could.

Good luck, small butterfly; I feel confident that you know the answer to this, even if you don’t know you do, and that you’re gonna make the right choice.

Is it worth being friends with an ex? What about having sex? Psychologist and Divorce Counselor Explains


Susan Elliott, an American psychologist and counselor on grief (including divorce), has compiled a step-by-step plan for those who are going through a breakup or divorce. And one of the first points of the plan says - no contact with the former. We publish an excerpt from her book “Gap. How to Get Through a Breakup and Build a Happy New Life,” which explains in detail why the idea of ​​“remaining friends” is best abandoned.

  • “Even though my relationship with my friend didn't work out, we still keep in touch and text each other. We're trying to stay friends. It doesn't work very well, but I don't know why. We fight more than before the breakup."
  • “My boyfriend broke up with me and started living with another woman. He continues to write and call me, saying that such a friendship as ours is very rare, and he does not want to lose me completely. And I'm inconsolable. Every meeting with him is a knife to the heart. I say that I'm not ready to be friends, and he replies that it's time to forgive and forget. He suggested that I take a time out, but I feel that this wound will not heal soon. He says I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I really am mistaken in rejecting his friendship?
  • “When we run into each other somewhere, he greets me as if nothing had happened. Once he invited me to dinner together, and I thought that he wanted to get back together. But he only said that he hoped that we would remain friends. But I don't want to be friends with him!

Even if your ex doesn't directly ask you to "stay friends," you may feel that he won't let you go and leave you alone. At first, you are even pleased that he or she cannot imagine life completely without you. But, frankly, this usually does not mean a genuine desire to see you around, but an inability to end the relationship in one spirit.

The "stay friends" formula can take many forms and is generally subjective, but my advice remains the same: trying to be friends with an ex is a losing strategy in almost all cases. Even if the breakup was amicable, you both need time to work through your feelings and filter out your past. It is good if your relationship does not have a dramatic train of quarrels and throwing, if you have maintained a friendly tone, but it will take time to break the connection of the former couple.

After the breakup, both people are faced with the task of getting rid of the old, paired self-identity.

In other words, everyone has to establish personal self-consciousness. The longer your relationship lasted, the stronger it was, the stronger your self-identification as a member of the couple. Both you and your partner will feel like "John and Mary" for a while, and not just John and just Mary. Over the years, you have developed certain patterns of living together, such as daily automatic reactions that set a certain rhythm for your couple. And for a while, these patterns will work out of inertia. In the store, what you usually buy for your ex will catch your eye. The hand will reach out to dial his number exactly at the hour at which you always called up before. Certain places, seasons, events - all this is still connected with the former. To break this connection, you need to endure some time without communicating with each other.

Some ex-couples manage to become friends later, but the later, the better. Immediately after the breakup, the atmosphere is too emotionally charged. You both need time to calm down and pull yourself together. If you establish a distance right away, in the first stage, then perhaps you will resume communication later, already as people of sound mind and balanced, and you will have a better chance of becoming friends. But for now, you need to focus on yourself and your healing.

In addition, it is difficult for former lovers to become friends, because the friendship between the former and the initially platonic friendship have different standards. You step into a minefield stuffed with unfinished business, long-standing grievances, painful and even taboo topics. An innocent joke or friendly tease can suddenly provoke a hostile reaction. Think it's so easy to get around sharp corners? The threshold of your sensitivity is much lower than that of ordinary friends, which means that the risk of running into a scandal and even breaking up a relationship is higher (again!). This friendship is not real and will not become such, no matter how hard you try. You will always be weighed down by unspoken claims and unresolved issues.

Someone who speaks out for friendship is usually not going to take on obligations or responsibilities, but at the same time wants to maintain good relations with a well-known person. Of course you liked something about him. If he were disgusting to you, no pair would have formed in principle. At some point, one of the partners begins to miss one or another character trait of their ex. Does this mean that for the sake of one cute dash, you need to let your ex into your new life and put up with the fact that you are categorically unpleasant about him?

If you are the one offering to be friends, analyze your motives. If this request is made to you, simply refuse.

If you are the one who offers to be friends, analyze your motives. Are you trying to avoid feelings of loss and pain? Do you want to resort to manipulation? You do not want to burn bridges, despite the fact that the relationship has exhausted itself? Do you want to have some benefits from communicating with this person without taking any responsibility?

If this request is made to you, simply refuse. If your ex says he can't live without a wonderful person like you, ask yourself if he truly appreciated you before. After all, friends should treat each other with dignity. If an ex behaved inappropriately, why would he be a good friend?

What about having sex with an ex?

I've heard stories about how people continue physical relationships with their ex and consider it quite natural. After a breakup, people are overwhelmed by emotions that prevent them from doing their usual things. Your senses are heightened, and when you see your ex, your body automatically tenses up to deal with the stress. When two recently separated people meet, the air seems to be electrified. This atmosphere can be mistaken for sexual arousal.

In addition, you may feel unwanted or just suffer from loneliness, and already thoughts come into your head: “What the hell am I holding back?”, “What's wrong with that?” After all, you were close people, you know each other's bodies. One more, one less - what's the difference?

Sex with an ex can be exciting, but it brings new difficulties and doubts. It should be avoided along with other forms of contact.

No matter how much fun you have, when it's over, you may feel confused or used. Or you may have thoughts about whether your ex was with someone else, and these thoughts will instill fear and anxiety in your soul. And that means your drama can start all over again. Even if none of the above happens, then consider that you have simply delayed the inevitable. We need to face reality again and say goodbye.

People often try to keep "just" intimacy, hiding from the conflict of the present relationship. They tell themselves and each other that it's easier this way. It seems to them that "friendship" instead of a relationship with mutual obligations is a working model that suits everyone. But it's not.

Excerpt provided for publication by the MIF publishing house.

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Katerina Reznikova,

Relationship quarrels: you can’t leave to stay




Updated: June 20, 2022

Updated 20. 06

People always try to build normal and happy relationships. But the concept of happiness and harmony in family life is different for everyone, so it is not always possible to find a compromise. In such cases, a dispute arises, which turns into a quarrel. If a couple doesn't learn how to fight properly, constant stress and negativity will lead to a breakup.

Article content

  1. Causes of quarrels
  2. Negative consequences of quarrels
  3. Can quarrels be helpful?
  4. How to quarrel properly
  5. FAQ
  6. Expert opinion

Causes of quarrels

Lovers quarrel - it's a fact. Psychologists have identified 10 main causes of family quarrels. Knowing the causes of conflicts between a man and a woman, you can discuss in advance all the controversial points, the rules for organizing a joint life.

According to statistics, 18% of couples never fight. At the same time, 10% of them have been married for more than 10 years, 3% are marriages of convenience, when the benefit is more important than anything else. Another 5% are exception couples in which partners have a similar temperament, outlook on life, people are distinguished by wisdom and non-conflict.

Why occur between loving people:

  1. Finance. Often in a pair, one partner is prone to waste and spontaneous purchases. The other approaches money issues more rationally, he believes that money should be saved and spent wisely. People may have different views on the amount that needs to be spent each month on leisure, food, clothing. To avoid conflicts, discuss all financial matters in advance.
  2. Separation of household duties. This is one of the reasons that lead to a breakdown in women. If the wife does not work, but only takes care of the family and home, then quarrels on this basis occur less frequently. But if the wife constantly has to do all the housework after work, then negative emotions accumulate, which leads to quarrels, often to breakups. Therefore, you need to make a list of who will perform what duties around the house.
  3. The difference is in education. Children adopt the style of communication and behavior in the family from their parents. Someone is used to expressing their emotions violently, screaming. For some, this behavior is unacceptable. For this reason, quarrels often occur at the beginning of a relationship. Learn more about your significant other, ask questions, talk about your communication habits.
  4. Personal differences. The debate about whether opposites attract or not does not subside. But it is really difficult for an extrovert and an introvert, a choleric and a phlegmatic person to communicate. One wants to have an active and fun weekend, the other can't stand the noise, prefers to read or visit exhibitions. In such a situation, there is only one way to achieve harmony - to make concessions, albeit not constantly, but regularly, not to try to remake the partner.
  5. Various ways to show love. It is not always possible to speak the language of love, which is understandable to the partner. Romance is important for someone, help and care for someone, someone puts tactile contact and sex in the first place. If quarrels with a guy often arise due to a feeling of lack of love, you need to discuss what the manifestation of love looks like through the eyes of a significant other.
  6. sexual needs. The cause of discontent and conflict is often the mismatch of sexual temperaments, needs and preferences. Learn to speak directly and frankly on the topic of sex, and not look for love adventures on the side. Watch together not only films for adults, but also trainings in family and sexual psychology.
  7. Who is the head in this house. Usually men like to control everything in the family - from finances to decision-making. But powerful women are not uncommon. At the beginning of a relationship, you need to decide how you will deal with important issues. You need to find a "golden mean" so that both are comfortable.
  8. High expectations. Adults often compare their lovers with their parents or exes. They expect everything to be perfect as before. But not getting what they want, they experience anger, disappointment from unjustified unrealistic desires. Openly express your wishes to your partner, calmly accept the refusal if the spouse is not ready to do what he does not like, just to please you. Go on principle and break off relations or take the position of another person - the choice is yours.
  9. different values ​​and beliefs. Quarrels often arise if one of the partners in a marriage tries in every possible way to prove his case or inspire the other person that his beliefs are wrong. Adults should be able to respect the values ​​of another person, not to touch on trigger topics in discussions.
  10. The concept of betrayal. For some, infidelity is even innocent flirting, for someone it is purely physical betrayal. To avoid unnecessary conflicts, you need to find out what your partner considers cheating and not give unnecessary reasons for jealousy.

Family quarrels often occur in couples where partners live and work together. Personal space decreases, irritation accumulates. The way out is to stipulate in advance that once a week you will rest from each other at least outside of work and at home.

A case from practice. Ilya, 30 years old, could not be in a relationship with girls for a long time. Everything quickly ended due to endless quarrels. The young man turned to a psychologist, after a few months he said that he had found the girl of his dreams. On her part, there were no tantrums, jealousy, impossible demands. But after 7 months it turned out that the girl was constantly cheating on Ilya, and she lived with him only because of the apartment. Therefore, the lack of claims was simply a manifestation of indifference.

Negative consequences of quarrels

When people fight, they can accidentally hurt the feelings of a loved one. In a fit of anger, you can accidentally, without malicious intent, offend your partner. It will be difficult to correct such a situation later, since it is human nature to remember bad things. Therefore, no matter how hard it is, try to control your words during a quarrel so that you do not regret what was said later.

Parental quarrels have a negative impact on children. Try not to swear in front of your child. Otherwise, then you will have to deal with the elimination of childhood injuries.

Often after the first quarrel or strong conflict, ease of communication is replaced by distrust and doubt. All this negatively affects family relationships. Partners stop communicating, the situation is aggravated. In such cases, the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist is required. If you have any difficulties in a relationship, please contact our specialists. You can sign up for a remote consultation around the clock.

Can quarrels be useful

In quarrels, as in everything, moderation is needed. Periodic conflicts and frustrations allow emotions to come out, which helps to avoid stress.

Pros of quarrels:

  1. When people fight, they always tell the truth. Therefore, during a scandal, you can hear something important for yourself, something that gnaws at your partner, but for various reasons he is silent about it.
  2. Quarreling helps to avoid depression. Negative emotions must find an outlet through words or actions. And this leads not only to depression, but also to the development of psychosomatic diseases.
  3. Quarrels once again confirm that there are no ideal people, they are a prevention of egocentrism.
  4. Conflict is a great opportunity to reflect on reality, the adequacy of your desires and requirements.

Pay attention! Constant quarrels in relationships occur in couples where the partners are 30-40 years old. After 50, the number of conflicts noticeably decreases. This is due to the fact that men have reduced testosterone production, and women look at many situations differently.

How to quarrel properly

For many people, especially overly emotional, any quarrel is a disaster. It seems that relationships and life are over. I want to cry, scream, say hurtful things, break dishes. But if you want to save your marriage, you don't have to do all that. How to behave correctly during a quarrel in order to strengthen, and not destroy relationships?

Any manifestation of emotions in a conflict leads to undesirable consequences. Be polite and considerate in order to maintain love and mutual understanding.

Rules for a constructive quarrel - advice from a psychologist:

  1. Always quarrel only together, even close people should not be witnesses or participants in your conflict.
  2. Don't get personal. Offensive phrases and statements only exacerbate the situation.
  3. Remembering all the partner's previous mistakes will lead to an outbreak of aggression. Always talk only about what is bothering you at the moment.
  4. Do not jump to conclusions, speculation is often wrong. You need to share your thoughts with your partner.
  5. Boycott is a sign of weakness. Ignoring a loved one, you will never achieve mutual understanding. If you just remain silent, the problem will not go away.
  6. Don't make excuses. You always need to be able to admit you are wrong and apologize in order to find a way out of a conflict situation.
  7. Always give your partner a chance to speak. Waiting position will help you focus, hear your spouse.
  8. Use a sense of humor to smooth out sharp corners.
  9. During an argument, maintain eye contact with your opponent, use the pronoun "we" instead of "you" or "I".

A quarrel cannot end with mutual accusations. Even if you have been rapidly sorting out the relationship, always find the strength in yourself to analyze the situation with your partner. It is important to find out the circumstances and reasons that caused the conflict. To learn to better understand each other, it is better to turn to a psychologist. Our experts will diagnose your relationship online, identify the causes and depth of conflicts. Based on the test results, effective methods will be selected to overcome the crisis in family relationships.


What to do so that after a quarrel there is no unpleasant aftertaste, the conflict does not become protracted?


So that the quarrel does not develop into a protracted conflict, remember the basic rule. Conflicts and misunderstandings in the family are personal, so never involve other people in your relationship. During a dispute, do not go over to shouting, to personal insults, do not remember past grievances. Always clearly imagine what you want to achieve with a quarrel, what information to convey to your partner.

Is it true that couples who fight often stay together longer?


It is difficult to answer this question unambiguously. Truth is born in disputes, but not everyone succeeds in not reaching during a quarrel. If your couple has mutual love, you both want to save the marriage, you know how to swear correctly, then the conflict will help you strengthen the relationship. After all, when people swear, they show that they care about the other person. Not fighting in a relationship is not always good.

Is it okay to fight in a relationship?


Disagreements arise even in the most harmonious couples. Fighting is one way to resolve disagreements. But mature people know how to solve problems through constructive dialogue. To do this, you need to stop accumulating resentment, be able to listen and let your opponent speak. You need to prepare for the conversation, write down the problem, look at it from the outside. This will help push emotions into the background, find the exact words and arguments.

Expert opinion

Arguments in a relationship are normal as long as they are constructive. Everyone is different, so there will always be misunderstandings. The main thing is to learn how to handle conflict with dignity. It is easy to quarrel and break off relations, it is more difficult to find compromises. A quarrel is a negotiation in which each side has its own interest. In order not to offend your partner, imagine a parent or boss in the place of a loved one. So it will be easier for you to control yourself, to avoid aggressive and offensive statements. Happy families are the result of constant, painstaking, joint work. And the right quarrels become the foundation in the relationship between a man and a woman.

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Article author

Monakhova Albina Petrovna clinical psychologist

Experience 17 years

Consultations 1439

Articles 263

Specialist in clinical psychology. Help in finding tools for self-realization, working out beliefs, fears and anxieties. Work with self-attitude, internal boundaries, understanding of interaction with society through conscious personal changes.

  • 2007 - 2008 Children's polyclinic No. 4 - teacher psychologist
  • 2008 - 2009Healthy Country LLC - Clinical Psychologist
  • 2009 - 2021 Republican Narcological Dispensary - psychologist
  • 2012 - 2013 Occupational medicine - psychologist
  • 2013 - 2015 LLC Vozrozhdenie - psychologist
  • 2019 to present Teledoctor24 LLC - psychologist


  1. ... Andreeva T.V. Psychology of the family. - St. Petersburg. : Speech, 2007. - 384 p.
  2. ... Weber G. Crises of Love: Systemic Psychotherapy by Bert Hellinger. - M.: Publishing House of the Institute of Psychotherapy, 2001. - 304 p.
  3. ... Skinner R., Cleese J. Family and how to survive in it. - M.: Class, 1995.


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