Marrying into an enmeshed family

Marrying into an Enmeshed Family

Is there a better way to deal with an enmeshed family?

Good boundaries do make good families. But can you make it work by changing your perspective?

The answer to this is not a simple yes or no. You definitely can make an enmeshed relationship work with suitable adjustments. However, it is not everyone’s cup of tea. Not many can make these adjustments. So, ultimately, it is up to you to find the answer to this dilemma.

That said, here are some suggestions on how to handle the problems of enmeshment in marriage and derive some positives from it.

1. Know yourself:

If you are confused about what you want in life, others can mess around with you easily. To avoid this, you need to have a good understanding of your strengths, weaknesses, and goals in life. Maintain your focus on your dreams no matter how overpowering external influences are.

2. Assert your authority and set clear boundaries:

This is the most difficult part of them all. You can control your mind and what you do but expecting understanding and cooperation from others may not work. But don’t give up easily. Push your agenda as it is your life at stake here. Your partner’s enmeshed family may not respect the boundaries you have set. Repeat it as many times as needed without losing your patience.

3. Find someone you can trust to share your emotions:

No doubt, walking the tightrope of an enmeshed relationship can take its toll. Having too many negative emotions cooped up in your mind is not good for you. Unloading some of it on someone you can trust can lighten your mind. They may be able to help you with constructive suggestions.

Seek professional help: If you feel that things are going out of control, don’t hesitate to get professional help. You may start with individual sessions and if it is not working, you may have to move on to couples’ counseling.

Can you expect anything positive from marrying into an enmeshed family?

The answer to this is again not simple. It depends on how well you can handle the enmeshed family of your partner. If you learn how to deal with them without compromising on your individual freedom, you can look forward to some positives in them.

Whenever you want help, your partner’s enmeshed family is right there for you, oftentimes, even without you asking for help. In times of a major or minor crisis, you will find this a blessing.

In case you or your partner lost your jobs and want financial support, they will be right there for you. Medical emergencies, long-term or short-term loans, or emotional support, you can have them all without much prompting.

Whenever your nanny doesn’t turn up, you can always rely on them to fill in. When you are organizing a big party and feel overwhelmed by the effort involved, all you need to do is ask. They will rush over and do anything for you without a murmur.

In times like this, you may even start thinking that your partner’s enmeshed family is way better than your so-called healthy one. However, it all depends on how you handle yourself and your relationships with each member of the family you are married into.

Concluding thoughts

Enmeshment is not restricted to your partner’s family alone. As your partner is raised in that environment, he may turn your relationship into an enmeshed one. You may have trouble defining boundaries with your partner as well.

Enmeshment in romantic relationships is best avoided if you are thinking of it as a life-long arrangement. Again, it entirely depends on what you want and how you want and can handle the situation.

Recommended Reading:

What to do When Your Family Turns Against You
How to Deal with Family Members that Disrespect You
How to Deal with Codependent Parents of Adults
Tips For Setting Boundaries with Toxic Parents
Questions to Ask Your Spouse to Improve Your Marriage
6 Clear Signs He Wants to Marry You

15 Enmeshed Family Signs and How to Heal from Trauma

In This Article

Most would agree that the ideal family is one where members are close, loving, and supportive. But, is there such a thing as being too close to your family? Those experiencing enmeshed family signs would say yes.

Signs of family enmeshment can be difficult to see because they often present themselves as a loving, tight-knit family. But the truth is, the enmeshed family system is hard on everyone involved and often involves a level of control that you wouldn’t exactly call a strong family bond.

Definition of an enmeshed family

What is enmeshment? Watch this video to know more.

What is an enmeshed family? The definition of enmeshment is to tangle or catch in something.

Imagine a fisherman standing out in the water using his dragnet to pull in a couple of fish, only to find he’s pulled in more than fifty fish. They are all flapping against each other with nowhere to go.

When you think of an enmeshed family definition, it has the same energy: Families who are sometimes too close for comfort. The enmeshed family definition is one where there are no boundaries.

5 features of enmeshed families

The signs of enmeshment are difficult to see when you are living it. Here are five common characteristics of enmeshed parent child relationships to keep an eye out for.

1. Viewing others as outsiders

It’s natural to feel close to your family, but when closeness dips into controlling behavior, it creates a social imbalance.

Research shows that controlling parents contribute to social anxiety in their children. By hindering their children from practicing social behaviors, parents limit the potential for children to become comfortable and confident around others outside of the family.

Also Try: What Do I Want In A Relationship Quiz

2. A blurred line between parenting and friendship

Many parents hope to one day have a friendship with their children, but this friendship should not override their role as a parent.

Parents in enmeshed families often involve their children in adult issues that are inappropriate for a healthy parent-child dynamic.

3. Over involvement in children’s lives

The Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention reports that insecure family attachments will negatively affect the family dynamic.

Being overly involved in each other’s lives can harm school, work, and future relationships outside of the home.

Also Try: Quiz: Are You Ready To Have Children?

4. Conflict avoidance

Children in an enmeshed family system often have trouble saying no. They are so focused on pleasing their parents that they will often give in to their mother or father’s wishes simply to avoid feeling guilty or creating conflict.

5. Easily hurt or betrayed

Enmeshed families have an unusual level of closeness and feel hurt when their child or parent does not want to spend time together. This can cause a disproportionate sense of betrayal over small situations, such as not spending a holiday together or breaking social plans.

Also Try: Should You Stay Or Leave the Relationship Quiz

Is enmeshment in families the same as having a close family?

A healthy family is one where the parents are supportive and set clear guidelines to help raise and protect their children.

Children, in turn, grow up learning about themselves and the world. They gain independence and develop personal boundaries.

Healthy families show respect and love for others in the household.

On the other hand, one of the biggest enmeshed family signs is being too involved with each other’s lives, to the point of being controlling.

Children of enmeshed families lack their own identity and have a difficult time becoming dependent or autonomous.

15 signs of enmeshment in a family

Here are 15 signs that your family is going through enmeshment.

1. Parents are overprotective

One of the most notable enmeshed family signs is over-protective parents.

Many parents are protective, and rightfully so, but an enmeshment relationship will take a parent’s general concern for their child and turn it on its head.

Parents under these circumstances may feel threatened by someone else coming in and taking their child’s time, which is often why those with enmeshed family patterns find it difficult to have relationships outside the home, romantic or otherwise.

Also Try: Are My Parents Too Controlling Quiz

2. Feeling anxious when away from family members

By the enmeshed family definition, family members are very close. They spend all of their time together and are deeply rooted in each other’s personal lives.

Because of this, one sign of family enmeshment is feeling anxious or nervous when interacting with someone outside of the family.

3. Marital discord

What is an enmeshed family? It is often one where there is instability in the parent’s marriage.

Parents in the enmeshed family pattern will have a dysfunctional marriage and confide in their children about adult issues. Parents may also seek emotional support from children during marital crises.

Also Try: The Ultimate Marriage Compatibility Quiz

4. Parents acting like children

The enmeshed family system is often rooted in unhealthy emotions and creates a mismatched parent-child dynamic. Enmeshed parent-child relationships may even have an adult acting like a dependent and a child who is trying to take care of everything.

5. Extreme stress

One study that focused on different family-closeness levels found that children with enmeshed family signs often externalized their problems.

Stress is often externalized by children living under the enmeshed family definition.

Also Try: Relationship Stress Quiz

6. Parents facing addiction

Unfortunately, many living under the enmeshed family definition have parents who face addiction issues. This is common because drug or alcohol dependencies are less likely to abide by family boundaries.

7. Struggles in romantic relationships

What is an enmeshed family have to do with romantic relationships? A lot.

Those part of this family dynamic may have difficulties maintaining romantic relationships. This is often due to guilt for not spending more time with their family or their partner feeling like second fiddle to the family.

Over-involvement by the family in romantic matters adds to relationship frustrations.

Also Try: What's Your Conflict Style in a Relationship? Quiz

8. No regard for personal space

One of the biggest enmeshed family signs is a lack of respect for personal space.

Those in an enmeshment relationship will often do things such as demand there be no secrets between family, invade tech privacy such as e-mails and text messages, and cross other boundaries such as reading a child’s journal/diary.

9. Parenting with a mental illness

What is an enmeshed parent? They may have a mental illness, which makes drawing healthy boundaries difficult.

A parent who does not take care of their mental health puts their child at risk of social and emotional problems that can negatively impact their behavior.

Also Try: Does My Child Have a Mental Illness Quiz

10. A strong demand for loyalty

One of the most obvious enmeshed family signs is a demand for loyalty.

The enmeshed family system raises children to be so close to their parents that they feel guilty and disloyal for pursuing their independence.

11. Feeling trapped or smothered

What is an enmeshed family? It’s a situation where family members often feel smothered by their parents’ or siblings’ attention.

They may feel like they can’t have anything for themselves. There is a lack of privacy that makes them feel trapped.

Also Try: Quiz: Is My Relationship Making Me Depressed?

12. Family spends an inordinate amount of time together

The enmeshed family definition refers to being entangled, exactly how families behave in this situation.

Of course, it’s nice to be close to one’s family, but you may be in an enmeshment relationship if you are always with your family and do not have any friendships or hobbies that don’t include them.

13. Feeling burdened by responsibility

Another common enmeshed family sign is that children feel overly responsible for their parent’s needs and feelings.

An enmeshed family system sometimes forces a child to take on an adult’s role in the parent-child dynamic, which is highly unhealthy.

Also Try: How Healthy Are Your Personal Boundaries Quiz

14. Lack of independence

What is an enmeshed family? An enmeshment relationship makes children feel like they can’t form their own life goals. Even applying to a college out of town may make a child feel like they are abandoning their family unit.

15. Seeking out affairs and attention

One of the more common enmeshed family signs is young adults who always seek validation.

Those who have been in enmeshed family relationships who are now in romantic relationships may seek this validation (or a desire to be commitment-free after being tied to the family for so long) may be more prone to sexual encounters outside the relationship.

Also Try: How Loyal Am I in My Relationship Quiz

Healing from an enmeshed family system

Part of the enmeshed family definition is that you and your family are practically intertwined, which makes healing from the trauma of your experiences difficult.

Here are three key steps to move on from your enmeshment relationship.

Enmeshed family relationships make it difficult to create boundaries since family members are often overly involved in each other’s lives.

The first step to getting healthy is to set boundaries that limit your family’s access to your personal life.

Remember, this is not a cruel step. It is a necessary one.

Children raised in these airtight households are led to believe personal boundaries are selfish or that setting them means you don’t love your family.

This is not true.

Boundaries are not selfish. They are necessary for personal growth.

Also Try: Should You Be in a Relationship Quiz

Go to therapy

Finding a therapist who is well versed in the enmeshed family system is the first step.

Going to therapy can help you understand your family’s enmeshed family characteristics and why this situation came to be your home dynamic.

A therapist can also help you work through self-worth and attachment issues, help you with setting boundaries, and overall aid you in recovery.

One of the most significant signs of enmeshment in families is being so dependent and attached to your family that you haven’t taken the time to discover yourself.

Go on a journey of self-discovery by making time for yourself.

Take a solo vacation, explore new hobbies, or get out of town for college or work. Make your friends and do things that make you happy and fill your soul with excitement.

Also Try: Is Low Self-Esteem Preventing You From Finding Love?

In Conclusion

Now that you know the biggest enmeshed family signs, you’ll be able to identify whether your family falls into this category.

Having a few enmeshed family signs does not necessarily mean that your home life is or was toxic, but it is always best to grow away from codependency or situations that make you feel disrespected.

Stop the enmeshed family pattern by rediscovering who you are and setting healthy boundaries with your parents and siblings.

Therapy can be an amazing tool for moving on from an enmeshment relationship and getting to the root of any attachment issues you are dealing with due to your upbringing.

Finding out who you are is like breathing fresh air after years of pollution. Never stop fighting for your right to independence and respect – even if it means cutting family relationships out of your life.

What is marriage in Orthodoxy? | Tradition.ru

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Christian marriage: is it better not to get married?
Marriage Quotes
Marriage Bible
Video: lecture on the modern family
Marriage books

Christian marriage: is it better not to get married?

“It is better not to marry,” the apostles exclaim after Christ's story about the duties of a husband and wife. Christ's teaching about "absolute monogamy" is perceived - not by anyone, but by His disciples! - as something completely impossible. This is what the apostles themselves think.

But “what is impossible for a man is possible with God.” In order for the union of a husband and wife to be as God intended it, God Himself is needed, grace is needed: the Sacrament is needed - the Sacrament of marriage, the Wedding. The grace of God will strengthen that which by "natural order" cannot hold.

The first human relationship is that of husband and wife, Adam and Eve. Man committed the first sin not alone, but as a couple. Since then, no other sphere of human life has been so confused as sexual. A happy family is, in the literal sense of the word, a miracle; it can only be born in the Sacrament.

The family in a fallen state is the “cell of society”, that is, the primary element of this world. Christ calls to hate "natural connections" and build relationships through Him, and not according to the laws of the fallen world.

Marriage, as it is conceived by God, and what it can become with God's help, is wonderful, it is

an example of people's relationships with each other and with God. Scripture conveys its Message of Love through marital images in the Song of Songs, and especially beautifully through an unhappy marriage in the book of Hosea. Christ is the Bridegroom, and Christians are the sons of the bridal chamber. The Apostle Paul likens the mystery of the Church and Christ to the mystery of husband and wife. The Apocalypse ends with the calls of the Bride: "Come!".

The Apostle Paul is often accused of sexism. However, if we carefully read his remarks about the relationship of spouses, we will understand the simple logic of the apostle. He does not deal with specific customs or opinions of that era. For him, the main thing is to affirm the principle: "in Christ there is neither man nor woman." By advancing this fundamental principle, but without arguing with customs that he has no power to change, Paul, through those customs themselves, shows the truth of Christ. Indeed, “the wife does not have power over her body, but the husband does,” but “equally, the husband does not have power over his body, but the wife does.” Yes, “a wife must not divorce her husband,” but “and a husband must not leave his wife.” This principle underlies all of Paul's teachings about marriage and gender in general.

Marriage quotes

Prot. John Meyendorff

The significance of marriage as a sacrament cannot be understood outside the Eucharistic context. The Church from the very first days of its existence recognized only the marriage that was concluded between two members of the Body of Christ; only he could be transformed into the reality of the Heavenly Kingdom. Only in the flesh and blood of Christ can two Christians become one flesh on the Christian path - through the Eucharist, becoming partakers of the Body of Christ. That is why the ancient Christians entered into marriages only during the Divine Liturgy, when the bride and groom partake of the Divine Mysteries; this could only be the first marriage, which both parties perceived as an eternal bond, indissoluble even after death.

From the book "Marriage in Orthodoxy"

Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh

In the Holy Scriptures, marriage appears as an expression of ultimate joy, ultimate fullness. This is not the fullness of tranquility, but the triumph of joy and love. Its most perfect image is given to us in the so-called marriage of the Lamb, that is, in union, in the joy of meeting God, who became a man, who gave His whole life, His whole being to the world, - with the creature: when everything is already completed, when there is no opposition, when God and man are united by a common life. And this is not limited to man, but outgrows him and embraces the whole creation, so that the apostle Paul could say: "God will be all in all."

From the book "The Sacrament of Love"

Marriage Bible

On the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee, and the Mother of Jesus was there. Jesus and His disciples were also called to marriage. And as there was a lack of wine, the Mother of Jesus said to Him: they have no wine. Jesus says to her: What is it to me and to you, Woman? My hour has not yet come. His mother said to the servants: whatever He tells you, do it.

There were also six stone water-carriers, standing according to the custom of Jewish purification, containing two or three measures. Jesus tells them to fill the vessels with water. And filled them to the top. And he said to them: now draw and bring to the steward of the feast. And they took it. When the steward tasted the water that had become wine - and he did not know where this wine came from, only the servants who drew the water knew - then the steward calls the groom and says to him: every person first serves good wine, and when they get drunk, then the worst; and you have saved good wine until now. Thus Jesus began miracles in Cana of Galilee and revealed His glory; and his disciples believed in him

Video: lecture on the modern family

Lecture by Olga Gumanova

Marriage books

Pain of loss

Clive Staples Lewis

Sacrament of Love

Anthony of Surozh (Bloom), Metropolitan

Love, marriage, family

Alexey Ilyich Osipov

Doctrine of family life

Philaret (Drozdov), Metropolitan of Moscow, Saint

End of a novel

Henry Graham Greene

Home Church

Kaleda Gleb, archpriest

Variations on the Song of Songs (essay on love)

Yannaras Christos (Χρήστος Γιανναράς)

Marriage in Orthodoxy

Meiendorf John, Archpriest

About family and upbringing of children

Luke (Voyno-Yasenetsky), saint

The meaning of love

Solovyov Vladimir Sergeevich

Advice to spouses and parents

St. Ambrose of Optina

Noctes Petropolitanae

Lev Karsavin Platonovich

Family life

Paisius Svyatogorets, reverend

Christian philosophy of marriage

Troitsky Sergey Viktorovich

Five Love Languages

Gary Demonte Chapman

Family life

Krzysztof Zanussi

Love and Addiction

Andrey Lorgus, priest

Conversations about the family

Moshkova Irina Nikolaevna

Love

Kalik Mikhail Naumovich

About family life

Vladimirov Artemy, Archpriest

Love. How to live together all your life

Albisetti Valerio (Valerio Albisetti)

Family in the modern world: what are the options?

Gumanova Olga

Conflicts in a couple: “You don’t support me at all!”

Filonik Marina Sergeevna

Family in the Bible: law and grace

Sorokin Vladimir Vladimirovich

Family is a piece of paradise

Vasily (Rodzianko), Bishop

When the family is not happy

Burmistrova Ekaterina Alekseevna

In the dark religious rays. Metaphysics of Christianity

Rozanov Vasily Vasilyevich

Family: pre-revolutionary patriarchy, Soviet matriarchy, child-centrism... what's next?

Diaghilev Alexander, Archpriest

Domestic violence: far or close? Let's give the family a chance

Andrey Isemin

Guilt in marital relations

Irineya (Shcherbakova), nun

Or-Or

Søren Aabye Kierkegaard

About Christian marriage

Pavel Adelheim, archpriest

Violence in intimate relationships: forms, causes, ways of helping

Viktoria Vladimirovna Naumova

Family: 12 years of marriage. How to freshen up the senses

Raising Children in the Faith

Topic pages

Marriage of convenience - Psychologos

January 1, 2010, 12:43

Author: N. I. Kozlov, Doctor of Psychology, Professor
Rector of the University of Practical Psychology

Film "Zigzag of Fortune"

Marriage of convenience - a marriage created under the guidance of the head.

As a rule, marriage of convenience is opposed to marriage for love, although this is inaccurate: marriage of convenience does not exclude love. A prudent marriage can be concluded on the basis that the person is suitable, my type, we both want love and we will definitely have love! Quite reasonable considerations of people who value love in a relationship.

There can be a variety of considerations when entering into a marriage: the desire to raise one's status, increase one's well-being, the opportunity to register oneself, the comforts of life, not to be left alone, to have legal sex, a child needs a father, and many other everyday circumstances that are confusing, especially since many people have a head only justifies what their heart tells them, while in others the heart is drawn to that or that where some benefit is felt. See →

What can you expect from arranged marriages? There is no single answer - precisely because all the calculations, we repeat, are very different. In general, marriages of convenience are statistically more durable than love marriages: the head is really a useful thing.

At the same time, as for marriages with interest in living space and other people's money - there are lasting marriages, there are practically no happy ones.

Another thing is marriages for reasons of mutual convenience: I earn money and go to the market, you cook and wash, and in the evening both have more fun... Such families, created for purely rational reasons, turn out to be a really convenient form of life for many, and so far the relationship is beneficial to both partners, the relationship is strong and stable. Years and decades. In addition, if these are decent people who know how to be grateful, then over time their relationship may gradually include elements of romanticism. And as a result, well-established relationships can develop into true love, it happens!

If you are not just in love, but love, you will definitely think and count.

If you are a man, then before proposing, you will definitely think about money (is it enough to support a family?), about your character (can you be allowed to decent people?), about your readiness to become a father (this does not come right away).

If you are a woman, then before agreeing to the proposal of a loved one, you must honestly answer yourself: do you have the strength to love this person? Can you make him happy? Do you know how to cook, are you great at building relationships, are you not touchy and know how to negotiate? Have you calculated your strengths?

A truly loving person does not allow himself to live without a head without thinking about the future.

What is the most correct calculation? - The most correct calculation is the one that takes into account the interests of the other side.

If this is a family, then also the interests of children, including future children.

It is normal to take care of your own interests, but if it is a relationship of two, then something strong and real comes to you only when you think not only about what you will get, but also about what the other will get with your help sides. Marriage of convenience is always a bit of a deal, and this deal should be beneficial to both.

If a man is looking for a woman who will take care of him, and in return he offers her normal earnings, pleasant leisure and fidelity, his calculation is at least not bad.

If you care about your appearance and health so that your loved one can admire you for a long time - this is the right calculation.

And if you love, learn to love and don't be lazy to love - in the expectation that your loved one will appreciate it and reciprocate decades of happy life together, then this is the most correct calculation!

Count and be happy!

Marriage of convenience
Author N.I. Kozlov
+
Scatter: Relationships, love, family
Video

Comments (8):

Guest, 09 April 2014, 13:46

Everything is correct. My husband and I married without love, by calculation, although a certain sympathy was present. I wanted to get married, he needed a woman who would take care of him, well, for sex. As a result, we take care of each other, we cook both - whoever is at home is the one on duty in the kitchen, we clean together, we repair the apartment together, we raised our daughter, soon 25 years of marriage. And at some point I realized that I loved and love.

Alfinur, June 23, 2015, 08:40

Thank you, Nikolay Ivanovich)

Guest, May 19, 2017, 13:45

Quite an unusual position, it's good to see that there are people who understand that marriage calculated not to be evil. But the author also does not forget to point out the importance of showing love in such a marriage. Just today I watched a video that says that most marriages end in divorce after 6 years, and all because people are not ready to love, but are simply looking for benefits, and this position, in my opinion, is no longer correct.

Guest, March 02, 2018, 04:49 PM

Sale can be wholesale, small wholesale and retail. Retail is prostitution, small-scale wholesale is sexual services in exchange for career growth, and wholesale is marriage of convenience or cohabitation for the same reason.

Guest May 05, 2019 03:03 PM

Everything is bought and sold, everything is based on interest and money.

Guest, September 14, 2019 6:20 pm

Disagree! They also die for their country. Think, from personal interests and because of money?! March 15, 2020 a banal fear of being sent to a concentration camp and the potential inability to provide for a greater part of basic needs.

And, as for everything related to the partner industry (including the title of the topic of this article), it will be irrelevant for the next 45 years, since from 2015 it is necessary to self-establish an absolute industry ban (boycott) , which should be valid until 2065.

For any sessions of this nature (marriages will be a thing of the past as an obsolete element of partnerships), there must be a healthy society that will have a sane character, which, in general, will not be possible before 2065. Therefore, the overall assessment of this marriage (as well as any other) is very short-sighted.

In addition: such things, like many others, risk giving rise to an inadequate partnership, that is, a meat-cutting gateway, which will then turn into a world war. In fact, this applies to any toolkit or opportunity that a narrow-minded majority can take advantage of.

Guest, November 02, 2019, 09:56 PM

When you are afraid to be alone.

Marrying into an enmeshed family