Why do i even try

Even if I try to help , my actions may mean that I do not trust the abilities of those I love.

Although I am trying to help, my actions may be communicating a lack of respect for my loved one's abilities.

Even if I try to pray on time, although I don't always succeed?

I try to do my prayers on time, but I don't always.

Even if I try to help.

even when I'm trying to help.

But people don't understand even if I try to explain .

Sometimes people don't understand that when I try to explain, though.

But people don't understand even if I try to explain .

My partner did not understand, though I tried to explain.

When I try to delete anything on the SD card it can't be deleted even though I try to play any files they fail when they show they are available.

When i try to delete anything on the SD card it fails to delete, also if i try to play any files they fail when they display they are available.

And even if I try I fail.

I'm sick of trying .

Let even one and a half, I'm trying to put the roof on before winter.

Even if it's six, I'm trying to get that roof on before winter.

Can't forget even if I try .

No, I can't forget it no matter how hard I try .

I am even trying to support young people financially with their limited salary.

I am even trying to support young people financially from my own limited salary.

Now I am even trying to accustom myself to breakfast.

At the same time I am trying to make myself breakfast.

I love puzzles and even try to collect them.

I love butterflies, and will even try to catch them.

Sometimes even tries to cook something Italian.

Even when I try to compliment someone, it comes out wrong.

Even when I try to compliment someone, it comes out wrong.

However, even today is I'm trying to remain optimistic.

Nonetheless, also today I will try to remain optimistic.

But even there I'm trying to play from defense! .

Even then I try to play defensively'.

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Excellent student syndrome

The word "perfectionist" is most often used in a positive sense. Saying "I'm a perfectionist in everything!" or "He is a perfectionist at work", people want to emphasize their own or other people's merits, the desire to make everything perfect. In fact, if a person is really a perfectionist, then, most likely, in life he faces serious problems that can affect his mental and physical health.

"Perfectionism has several stages. The first, in which you can spend your whole life, is the desire to do everything in the best possible way, ideally, and there is nothing wrong with that, because it helps to achieve your goals, success," explains psychologist Mikhail Khors. "But a significant part of perfectionists goes to the next stage, when perfectionism already becomes a disease, turns into patho-perfectionism, a neurasthenic form, when the desire for perfection goes into all areas of life, at this stage suffering, pain appears if the ideal cannot be achieved. if there is a threat that he will be able to do the job in the best possible way, get angry, be afraid, worry, even if nothing has happened yet, experience unpleasant mental states, and they will take away his resources of strength, and there will not be enough strength to realize his aspirations.

A psychologist compares the state of a failed perfectionist to that of a drug addict. Life for him becomes gray, it seems wrong.

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"I felt like a hostage": how to survive in postpartum depression not enough resources?", then asks the question: "How can I get these resources?", "How not to make such mistakes?" - gets up, dusts himself off and goes further towards his goal. A perfectionist is not like that. He flies towards his goal and sometimes he achieves by taking it impudently, but if it doesn’t work out, he suffers.”

A perfectionist experiences suffering quite often, not only because of his own failures, but also because he is dependent on external circumstances that he cannot influence.

"This condition is often called the syndrome of an excellent student, and rightly so: as a rule, perfectionists manifest themselves already at school, sometimes even in kindergarten," says psychiatrist Mikhail Gordeev.

Socially approved perfectionism is actually not so good: people with high demands on themselves and others find it difficult both at work and in their personal lives.

"It is a mistake to think that perfectionists are born bosses. They are often bad leaders," believes Mikhail Gordeev. and secondly, because a perfectionist, realizing that he is in charge of idiots, takes on the work that he should have delegated to others, because he is sure that no one will do it as well as he As a result, he overstrains, overloads. "

© UfaBizPhoto/Shutterstock/FOTODOM

Another problem for perfectionists is timing. He can complete the task perfectly, but will spend much more time and effort on it than his colleagues.

"There is such a model of success - 20 percent of efforts give 80 percent of success, it's just important to find what to spend these efforts on effectively," says Gordeev. 200, 300 percent of the effort spent. They, as a rule, become good professionals, but it is very difficult for colleagues to work with them. Another feature of a perfectionist: if he does something and he did not succeed, he will not try to fix it and move on, but everything will start over."

"Help teach them to live right"

A situation when a person is demanding of himself and his staff at work, strives for an ideal, but in his personal life it is easy to get along with him, according to psychologists, is rare. Most often, problems extend to family and interpersonal relationships. Mikhail Gordeev claims that it is difficult for such people to create a couple and save a family.

"For them, the concept of "building a family" means not creating, but training, adjusting to oneself. And until a certain moment, the partner endures, because at first there is a bouquet period, love, emotions, children are born, and then there is no strength left.

Perfectionists often come to a psychologist with a request: "Help me teach them to live right." And it can be a blow for them, they can even leave therapy when they realize that I won’t explain anything, that my task is not to find right or wrong, but to help them figure it out. At first, they have to be taken out of fighting stances

Perfectionists come to psychotherapy more often than phlegmatic people or people who are calm about their successes in order to cope with increased anxiety, panic attacks, and addictions.

"Panic attacks are the result of an overload of the nervous system," explains psychologist Mikhail Khors. cause.Unfortunately, the modern approaches of many of my colleagues are to work with the consequences, which are removed by pills, the same antidepressants. And they will not affect perfectionism in any way, they affect the symptom, and not the source of pain.And after a while, problems will return."

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"For example, Tony Robbins and many of his colleagues teach that there are no limits of opportunity. I do not agree with this, every person has limitations. Yes, we try, give our best, work, but I want to remind you that not everything in life is from us It depends. And it happens that the obstacle is in ourselves - fears, complexes, ignorance of something - they also stop us. More than half of the European population is on antidepressants, because they are so pumped up that they can do everything they have to smile, be forever happy, energetic, successful, and they are living people. People cannot be forever happy. The modern and popular approach to the fact that a person cannot be in negative states leads to the fact that he forbids them to himself, contradicts his essence ".

In therapy, perfectionists learn to be calm about the imperfections of others, to put up with the fact that the world does not work the way they want, that people can do bad things, be wrong, behave badly, that they have the right to beliefs that are different from theirs own convictions.

© YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV/Shutterstock/FOTODOM

"Such patients should never be told that they are wrong. It is a disaster for them," says Gordeev. "No, on the contrary, he is good, but he can become even better if he takes that the world is not perfect, that it doesn’t always rain at the right time, etc. We talk about the price he pays for his idealistic attitude towards life. When it comes to relationship problems, I immediately ask the patient’s pressure figures, and I don’t I remember that they were normal at least once. And a person begins to understand this. We teach to be calm about another opinion, if it is not ideal, to delegate authority, if we are talking about a team, we teach to appreciate the advantages of another. "

How do people become perfectionists?

Nadezhda Solovieva, a psychiatrist at the Scientific Center for Personalized Medicine, believes that perfectionism can be congenital or acquired.

"A person has an endopsychic — that which is inherited, something that cannot be corrected, and an exopsychic — that which a person acquires during his life and with which he can work. Perfectionists and those who do not particularly worry about anything , there is both that and that component. If the genotype contains anxiety, if it is an endopsychic component, then a person is more likely to become a perfectionist. And then the environment and upbringing shape him. relaxed, phlegmatic, the child will adapt to him. But in adolescence, he himself will begin to choose."

Psychiatrist Mikhail Gordeev believes that the influence of parents on the formation of a perfectionist is stronger than heredity.

"It happens that perfectionist parents bring up perfectionists. And sometimes parents themselves could not achieve something in life, but they consider it very important and realize their desire through a child. In their opinion, their child should achieve this, he should be the best, despite the fact that the parent himself could not do this.

Mikhail Gordeev notes that perfectionists in childhood were subjected to moral punishment for failures, for example, a mother could not talk to a child for several days for bad behavior, a two or three, did not learn a lesson.

"Perfectionism is a condition that is brought up by the fear of punishment, and it's not just about physical punishment. Moral rejection can be much worse for a child than deprivation of sweets, a ban on walking and cartoons, even physical punishment. And when a perfectionist grows up, he he is afraid of rejection no longer of his mother, but of friends, colleagues, lover, for him the punishment is disrespect and rejection of others.

Perfectionists are not only afraid of being disrespected, they are afraid of being embarrassed. And these attitudes are also laid by close adults.

"These fears are social, they are normal for our life, the question is how strong they are," says Mikhail Khors. everyone looks, look, uncle thinks: "What a bad girl is crying in the store!" Or he says: “You disgrace me in front of other people, what relatives, neighbors, passers-by will say!”, “Go to the blackboard, the whole class will laugh that you don’t know anything”, “Disgrace yourself in front of the whole class”, “Disgrace the school”.

Perfectionists often hear phrases from their parents: "You must be the best", "You only need to study for A", "Four is a bad grade".

© LStockStudio/Shutterstock/FOTODOM

"There are a lot of such parents," the psychologist explains. , does not work? I'll work harder," but at some point he hits the bar, faces a situation where he doesn't succeed. Maybe he doesn't succeed now, but it will succeed in a year, but he needs it right now. And then his pain appears. "

Children who are not required to be the best by their parents grow up to be more harmonious personalities, Khors believes.

"Such a parent does not have this feeling of inferiority, which he tries to satisfy at the expense of the child, he loves and appreciates the child, regardless of his success. He brings him up in a more realistic-philosophical atmosphere, more phlegmatic: "You're doing well, come on, try, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay, you get up, shake yourself off and move on.”

Antipode of the perfectionist

The opposite of perfectionism is relaxed, phlegmatic individuals who do not suffer from failure. They are not particularly worried that their boss scolded them at work, that they cannot buy a dream car, they will not worry about rudeness in public transport, get angry at their family for scattered socks and toys. But it is also wrong to consider them indifferent, devoid of empathy and goals in life, Mikhail Gordeev believes.

"As for a perfectionist, for such a person in life something is more important, something is less important.

Freedom can be their highest value. So it was with the hippies, who went to live in nature, gave up achievements, careers, because for them it was most important to live freely, not to bind themselves with frames. This was their ideal. And to some extent, they can also be called perfectionists

According to Gordeev, a student who is not at all worried about bad grades at school, who is not successful in school, can later achieve great success in the field of creativity.

“Perhaps from childhood he clearly knew that he needed something else,” explains Mikhail Gordeev. “If a person does not worry about failure at work, in school, he may have another area of ​​interest. classic Manilov, who thinks about something all the time, dreams, while doing nothing? It's hard to say, you can call him a dreamer. It's just that his ideals are not recognized by society."

Antipodes of perfectionists can also become clients of a psychotherapist, despite a more relaxed attitude towards others and their own mistakes, says psychiatrist Nadezhda Solovieva.

"If we talk about neurosis, minor psychiatry, about overcoming some kind of disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, then both come. For pronounced perfectionists, the problem is anxiety. sociopathy. And inside such people can feel their inadequacy and suffer from it. And in fact, both perfectionism and indifference are two defensive reactions of the psyche that say that a person has problems. "

Skinless people

Perfectionists are often very sensitive people. But sensitive individuals are not always perfectionists. They are called people "without skin", when a rude word, a dismissive look can hurt, and betrayal or separation unsettles them for a long time and becomes a tragedy.

Sensitivity can also be biologically determined when a person is born with a very delicate, receptive nervous system, says Mikhail Khors. But sometimes such a feature speaks of a "God complex."

"Such a person does not necessarily strive for success, he may not have good grades in school or higher education, he may not have a prestigious job, salary, recognition of colleagues, but at the same time he has a complex of an omnipotent and omniscient being who knows exactly how it should be, how the world should be. And if it is arranged differently than he imagined, then it is a bad world. It hurts such people to live in a world that is not organized according to their laws. In religion, this is called the word " pride." Pride is the sin that is the mother of all other sins."

Nadezhda Solovieva believes that in this case it is not about perfectionism, but rather about intolerance.

"You can't put an equal sign between intolerance and perfectionism. There are intolerant people who are not perfectionists, and vice versa."

A psychotherapist will help you deal with the "God complex". Hypersensitive people can also improve the quality of life in therapy sessions and learn to react less painfully to traumatic situations and events.

Do opposites attract?

Families built by people with different temperaments and characters are considered stronger. A classic example of such an alliance is the heroes of Vera Alentova and Alexei Batalov in the film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears", Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov in Tolstoy's novel "War and Peace". But not in cinema or book, but in a real couple created by a perfectionist and his antipode, according to psychiatrist Mikhail Gordeev, serious problems will arise.

"It is unlikely that they will get along. And even great love will quickly go out, because they are different in their perception of the world. Indeed, in a couple, a person often sets criteria for a partner. And a perfectionist can set criteria for productivity, punctuality, beauty. He can be the ideal of beauty, and he, say, will like a beautiful woman, but in the morning she will still wake up with a wrinkled face, and this is already a violation of the ideal.

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Such different people will be able to build relationships and families only if both recognize their shortcomings and are ready to make concessions to each other.

"They can get along, the question is whether they strive for this," says psychologist Mikhail Khors. that if suddenly something is wrong in a relationship, then you need to leave and look for where it will work out in an ideal way. If people in a relationship value something else besides their ego, they will most likely try to take steps towards each other " .

Psychiatrist Nadezhda Solovieva is more optimistic about the prospects of the family of a perfectionist and his opposite: in her opinion, the main condition for success in such a couple is the absence of categoricalness in both.

"There is a concept of harmony in a couple. If a perfectionist knows his shortcomings, but cannot fight them, he will appreciate the qualities he lacks in a partner. It will also be useful for his antipode to learn something from a perfectionist. And a perfectionist can become close to his more relaxed partner. If categoricalness is not mixed with the perfectionism and indifference of both, if both are not rigid, flexible, the couple can turn out to be wonderful, complementary, one will level the weaknesses of the other. "

Rigidity, in other words, rigidity, resistance to change. They can happen to a perfectionist during his life under the influence of psychotherapy or some important event. It happens that a perfectionist even refuses to achieve, abandons his career and becomes a downshifter, devotes himself to his family, but such a sharp change often happens after certain events.

"In order for something to change quickly, a catastrophe must happen. Some kind of big shock in life," Mikhail Gordeev believes.

But the opposite situation, when an indifferent and relaxed person turns into a perfectionist, happens much less frequently.

“I have never seen anything like this,” says Mikhail Khors. “If this is an adult whose personality has already been established, it is unlikely that he can slip into perfectionism. any of his demands are fulfilled at the snap of his fingers, and then he loses this power, then yes, he can suffer.

According to Nadezhda Solovieva, a similar transformation can still be observed in adolescents who, at a transitional age, do not understand what they want, and then take on their heads.

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