What not to do when starting a new relationship

The love bubble: ten mistakes to avoid in a new romance | Relationships

Those early days of a relationship often pass in a fog of bliss. Texts from friends go unreturned; entire weekends are lost in bed. But many relationships crumble by the three-month mark – when you start to see the other person’s flaws, but before the partnership becomes a solid, defined entity. If you can weather the three-month point, those early days will set the tone for your future relationship. What are the common mistakes people make at the start of relationships – and how can you avoid them? The experts weigh in.

Coming on too strong

It’s good to know what you want from a prospective partner, and to be clear about that. But it’s off-putting to lay everything out on the table straight away. “Don’t set out your 20-year plan on the first few dates,” says psychologist and relationship expert Emma Kenny. “It can be intimidating. It also means that you’ve negated the opportunity to see how things would develop naturally with that person. ”

Being too rigid in what you want

It’s good to have an idea of the sort of person with whom you would like to settle down. But being too rigid in the early stages of a relationship can kill promising romances stone dead. “Think about what that other person is as an individual, not in terms of their political beliefs or whether they’re a vegan or whatever,” Kenny says. Put away the checklist. “It’s not a great idea to interview someone on the first few dates. Asking them how much they’re earning, or about their home-owning situation – it’s not an organic way to get to know someone. You’re a prospective partner, not a recruitment consultant.”

Performing for them

Early on in relationships, you often want to put your best foot forward – be the cool girl (or boy) who is up for anything, never complains and always looks fabulous. “When you start dating someone new, you can put on a bit of a show,” says dating coach Persia Lawson. “You’re trying to perform, instead of being authentic.” But it’s an exhausting pretence to have to maintain long-term. Why not just be yourself? “I try to encourage people to realise it’s cooler to just be yourself. If you’re trying too hard to perform around someone, they’re probably not the right person for you anyway.”

Not learning from past relationships

“I’m a big fan of relationship audits,” says Kenny. “Look back at your last relationship and see what went wrong. Ask yourself: ‘What am I doing wrong in relationships? How accountable should I be?’” Perhaps you have a habit of dating emotionally unavailable people, or you struggle to respect boundaries. By doing some work on yourself, you will be better placed for a future, healthy relationship.

Moving too fast

When you’re caught up in the dopamine rush of a new relationship, it’s tempting to want to crash through all the major milestones as fast as possible, as if you are collecting mushrooms in Mario Kart. “A lot of my clients make the mistake of moving too fast in general,” says Kenny. “Telling someone you think they’re the one and you’re deeply connected to them after date one or two is not great for everybody involved.”

Don’t meet the friends and family for at least three months. “It’s OK to take things at a slower pace sometimes,” says Ammanda Major, a therapist at Relate. “People want to get in there and meet friends and parents and live in each other’s lives after a very short time. But it’s OK to take it at a slower pace. If you go rushing along and the whole thing collapses after three months, you may end up feeling bereft.”

Ignoring red flags

We’ve all been there. You have been dating someone for a few weeks, they seem perfect and then they’re rude to a waitress or trash-talk their ex. Don’t ignore red flags. “Red flags are important, because they mean you should step back from that relationship,” says Kenny. “Maybe you hate it when people raise their voice, then they shout at you – but you find them so attractive, you ignore it. If you ignore red flags, you will end up in a horrible relationship.” Besides, anyone who is rude to a waitress is definitely not worth your time.

Posting too much online

Be mindful of what you post on social media. “It can feel wonderful to think you’ve met your soulmate, but remember that if it’s going to be an important relationship, you don’t have to rush things,” says Major. Which means: hold off on the loving romantic tributes, for now. “If you post: ‘I’m in a fabulous relationship, I think this is the one,’ your new partner might see that and if that’s not where their head is at, you’ve kiboshed it before it’s even started. Or if it doesn’t work out, you might feel embarrassed.”

Not establishing clear boundaries early on

The first three months of a relationship set the tone for the rest of your time together. If you’ve allowed the relationship to be on your partner’s terms, you will find it hard to come back from that. “You need to respect yourself and have clear boundaries when it comes to dating someone,” says Lawson. “Be brave enough to put your boundaries up and say: ‘This is what I need and what I desire.’ A lot of people are scared to express how they want to be treated for fear of being rejected. But it’s better to know now than later. Besides, people are attracted to people who know their own worth, rather than accepting the crumbs and scraps of poor behaviour, because they think it’s all they can get.” Don’t be afraid to challenge your partner or pull them up on their behaviour in those early months – if you let things slide now, you will be letting them slide for ever.

Glossing over sexual incompatibility

It’s completely natural for sex with a new partner to not be mindblowing initially – you are only just getting to know each other. But if things continue to misfire in the bedroom department, that may be a sign you’re not right for each other. Long-term, you can only have a healthy relationship with someone with whom you are sexually compatible. “If your intimate life isn’t working out, you must not ignore that,” says Major. Try to address things head-on. “Communicate your desires openly and share your kinks. You have to deal with things as soon as possible, otherwise you’re going to have problems.” If things don’t work out, move on.

Being too available

When you think you have found the one, it can be tempting to cancel all your plans and hole up together. “You stop contacting your friends, and start scheduling your entire life around when you may see them,” says Lawson. “You sideline any hobbies or interests you have.”

But if you do this, you may end up isolated from your support systems in an unhealthy relationship. “In my experience, couples who spend all their time together don’t seem to work out,” Lawson says. “It becomes toxic and codependent.” Rather, embrace some healthy distance. “You need to have friendships, hobbies and interests outside your relationship.” Beware the love bubble – it always bursts, whether you like it or not.

10 Dos and Don'ts of Starting a New Relationship

Relationships
Love & Dating

Here's what you need to know before kicking off a brand-new partnership.

Kelly Dawson

Kelly Dawson is a writer and editor who focuses on relationships. Her work has also appeared in Martha Stewart Living, Real Simple, Domino, Dwell Magazine, Bon Appétit, and Vox.

Brides's Editorial Guidelines

Updated on 09/23/22

Reviewed by

Minaa B.

Reviewed by Minaa B.

Minaa B. is a writer, mental health professional, and founder of Minaa B. Consulting.

Brides's Editorial Guidelines

Licensed Master Social Worker

Unsplash | Design by Jiaqi Zhou

The beginning of any new relationship is usually a lot of fun (albeit a little stressful). Think about it: Someone you like and enjoy feels the same way about you. What could feel better than that, right? But even if both parties are on the same page feelings-wise, it's still important to maintain decorum because, no matter how into each other you are, there are still some right and wrong ways to begin any new relationship that can ruin the whole thing.

Of course, it's totally natural to feel intense passion and attraction for the person you're seeing, but being so enraptured may cause you to ignore potential red flags, such as the misalignment of your core beliefs and values. We chatted with psychologist and relationship expert Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., to hear her thoughts on the subject and get some insight regarding the best (and worst) ways to go about a new relationship.

Meet the Expert

Kelly Campbell, PhD, is a professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino. She specializes in relationships.

Do Add Variety to Your Dates

According to Campbell, mixing things up early on is a great idea. Instead of the usual Netflix-and-chill scenario, she suggests taking morning walks together, scheduling lunch dates, and enjoying the company of friends and colleagues. "It can be illuminating to see your partner navigate different situations and relationships," she adds. Plus, one potential road to a breakup is monotony, so try to avoid getting stuck in a rut too early on by keeping each date different than the last. Keep in mind: You don't have to spend a ton of money to have a great date with your new partner.

Don't Always Be the First to Initiate Dates

Every date can feel like a first date in a new relationship because there's so much ground to cover: where you went to school, what your hometowns are like, and how many pets you had growing up, among about a million other topics to address. Our advice? Save these sweet stories for in-person dates. Campbell suggests, "If they initiated plans the first time, you can initiate the second time and so on, but don't always be the person texting first, calling, and initiating plans. "

If they get used to you being the one doing all of the planning and reaching out, they'll stop making an effort because they know you will.

Do Maintain Independence

Spending every waking moment with a new partner can put you at risk of losing yourself and your friends, too. "In the most long-lasting relationships, partners maintain their sense of independence," says Campbell. "See family and friends, continue to exercise and work hard, and prioritize alone-time; balance is important." If you make your whole life about your new partner, you end up putting a lot of pressure on the relationship to be your sole source of happiness and fulfillment.

Don't Skip the Sexual Health Conversation

"If you aren't comfortable asking them about STDs and STIs or telling them about your own sexual health, it's not yet the time to have sex," Campbell admits. Wait until you're both comfortable having an honest conversation about health before becoming intimate. That way, you'll be able to enjoy it more and have a bit more confidence in the relationship.

You also shouldn't feel shame talking about sex outside of health. Tell your partner what you like, what you don't like, and what you'd want to try.

Do Watch Out for Red Flags

Campbell says that ignoring red flags only prolongs the inevitable demise of the relationship. If, say, your new love criticizes you, makes plans, and repeatedly cancels, you catch them in a lie, or you see them treating others poorly, "they're probably not worth investing in for the long-term," she notes. Trust us, it's easy to throw on a pair of rose-colored glasses when you really like someone because you want to see the best in them, but it's important to see all of someone, not just the good things.

Don't Be Close-Minded

“Try to remain open to trying new foods and participating in new activities,” Campbell advises, “The start of a new relationship ought to be light and fun, and things can become more serious with time. ” With that in mind, maybe keep the conversations about highly controversial topics to a minimum in the beginning.

Do Respect Yourself

Treating yourself well sets an example of how your partner should treat you, and it signifies what you will and will not tolerate. "There's nothing wrong with being principled, knowing yourself, and being yourself," Campbell offers. "Do things for yourself, too." If they call you with an impromptu date invitation, but you need a self-care night to put on a face mask and snuggle with your furry friend, suggest a different day for date night.

Don't Denigrate Yourself

"If you have things in your past that you consider less than ideal—for example, if you just got fired or your previous partner cheated on you—then find a way to discuss or disclose these things in a positive light," Campbell advises. Keeping these things secret because you want them to see you a certain way is never a good idea.

Being vulnerable is part of dating, especially in the early stages of a new relationship, so you shouldn't feel any shame in sharing about past relationships (or anything else, for that matter). No one expects perfection, so hiding experiences that shape you into who you currently are isn't necessary.

Don't Have Sex Too Soon

We live in a time of sex-positivity, meaning we don't believe that you should wait until a certain amount of time goes by before having sex with your new partner for the first time. "The amount of time to wait before having sex differs for every couple; there is no such thing as too soon or too long. The right time is when both people are 100% ready," Campbell discloses. The worst thing you can do in a new relationship is to have sex before you feel ready because you're worried they'll lose interest in you if you wait.

Do Communicate Often and Well

"Say what you mean and mean what you say, be direct and considerate, choose battles wisely, treat your partner well, and avoid destructive things like yelling, insulting, and judging," Campbell says. You may notice that you feel like you can read your childhood friends' minds because you know them so well, but that kind of closeness comes with time and, unfortunately, years together is the one thing you and your new partner don't have. You can't expect them to be able to guess what you're thinking, so be as communicative as you possibly can.

6 Signs You're Ready for a New Relationship

how impossible it is to build a new relationship with a man

New relationships - new life, new impressions, hopes and emotions ... But not all girls know how to behave at the beginning of a relationship, what you can say and what you can’t, what you can do and what not ... At the same time, everyone of the partners is trying to show their best side, leaving behind their worst qualities and learn about each other as much as possible on the first day.

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So let's talk about how to behave with a man at the beginning of a relationship so that he does not lose interest in you on the very first day, and you remain the main intrigue in his life.

NOT TOO FREQUENT

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We understand that you are inspired by new relationships and dream of spending every free minute together. But take your time. The best option would be meetings 1-2 times a week - this will keep passion, excitement and love for a long time. But you shouldn’t overdo it with this either - if you see that a man has lost his head from you and wants to spend all his free time with you, and you limit him to 1-2 meetings a week, he may regard this as a lapel-turn or think, that you have a dozen more like him.

OH NOT LIFEBUOY

Yes, when starting a new relationship, a girl clings to a guy as the only possible straw that will help her get ashore. You just need to understand - you do not own each other. You may have different hobbies. Your friends can also be different, although over time they can easily become common. Learn to live apart from meeting a man, give him free space and do not cut off oxygen. At the beginning of a new relationship, don't try to learn every little thing about the person - it will come with time.

DON'T HAVE SEX TOO SOON

Read also Enough is enough: men's actions that should not be tolerated

Sex is definitely one of the most enjoyable moments in a relationship. But you don't need to spread your legs right after the first date. Everything should be gradual, intriguing and alluring. Otherwise, he may think that you are an easily accessible person who has had more partners than the dirtiest prostitute in town.

CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS

We do not think that your relationship will develop in the best way, especially if you do not follow your emotions. Do not raise your voice at him, do not break down over trifles, do not build a disgruntled mine in bad weather. If on a date you feel like you want to go over his face because of some nonsense just because you have critical days, go to catch your breath, close your eyes, take a couple of deep breaths and normalize your pulse.

LIVE IN THE PRESENT

Read also He is impotent: what should a woman do

Already on the first date, a woman has questions about a joint future in her head - “What will we name our future children?”, “Will his last name suit me?”, “Where will we celebrate the golden wedding?”. Do you think this doesn't happen? Think back to when you first met your loved one – asking exactly the same questions. And if you start voicing them out loud, your relationship will be limited to just one meeting.

DON'T TALK ABOUT LOVE

Taboo three words, ten letters "I love you" in the early days of a relationship. If you say these words too quickly, you can scare a man or force him to answer them. Not sure if the answer will please you. Okay, if unrequited awkwardness hangs in the air, and if he says “I don’t have you” ... Anyway, wait for these words first from the man.

DON'T OWN IT

Read also If a man is younger: how to build relationships. Real stories

Ownership is generally a bad quality that accompanies insecure people. When you just started a relationship, you cannot dictate to a young man who he can communicate with, where he can go, what he needs to wear, how much time he can spend with friends and why he didn’t take you with him to a friend’s country house. A sense of possessiveness and pathological jealousy can quickly end a relationship that has not begun.

GET HABITS

You don't have to remake a person, you have to put up with his habits. Learn to adapt and not get annoyed. And in no case do not need to make a remark. If you can't come to terms with the new man's habits, it's best to end the relationship now, because people don't change, and habit is second nature.

tags: relations man and woman

Love without loss: How to avoid mistakes at the beginning of a relationship | Chita.ru

The beginning of a love relationship is the most difficult, although very pleasant period. Why complex? Because it is at the beginning of the novel that the relationship between a man and a woman is so fragile that a spark from which a flame has not yet flared up can easily go out because of any trifle. Psychologist Maxim Razdobreev told about how not to spoil the relationship from the very beginning.

The psychology of relations between a man and a woman, like any process that takes place on Earth, has certain stages. There are many of them, but today we will talk about only one - the initial one.

It is easy to guess that any relationship begins with attraction. A man, captivated by female charms, begins to show signs of attention to a woman. He feels her disposition towards him, as she reacts to these signs.

At first timidly, and then more and more confidently, he continues courting the most special woman in the world for him. Admiring her external beauty, the man gradually tries to get to know the woman closer. At this stage, the so-called candy-bouquet period begins.

A woman is arranged in such a way that she is attracted to a man based not only on his appearance and physical form. He attracts her with his intelligence, responsibility and self-confidence. Meeting such a man, a woman gladly accepts his signs of attention. For her part, she does everything possible to maintain a man's interest in her person.

It is at this stage in the process of getting to know each other that both parties tend to make mistakes that can lead to a break.

In general, according to Maxim Razdobreev, relationships should not start with insincerity and manipulation. This applies to both partners.

But more specifically, all the mistakes made can be divided into male and female.

When a woman really likes a man, she always gets excited. That's just excessive emotions and fears of doing something wrong, just lead them to a lot of mistakes that contribute to the gap.

Error 1 : "artificial". We have already referred to this factor as “insincerity” earlier, and this is exactly what we are talking about here. If a woman, wanting to make the best impression, begins to behave differently from her real self, then either the man will notice this and be disappointed in her, or the relationship will turn into a theater. But everyone knows that performances in the theater tend to end after the second or third act.

Error 2 : "I decided everything for the two of us." Typical situation. Only having met a man, a woman has already planned a serious relationship, a wedding, children and a happy old age. But the man doesn't even know about it. Suddenly, he just likes a woman, and he is not averse to having sex with her, but not going down the aisle.

Error 3 : when a woman provokes her partner with jealousy. This factor is called “jealousy as manipulation”. At this stage of the relationship, the man will adequately evaluate such behavior and the woman will be treated accordingly.

It is a well-known fact that insecure women often use this type of manipulation to raise their own price in the eyes of the man they like.

Error 4 : privacy violation. By itself, this factor can ruin any relationship, not just romantic ones. Each partner should have personal space. This error does not only apply to women.

It may seem strange, but the mistakes in women and men are similar, only they manifest themselves in different ways.

Having met a girl who managed to attract attention, men also try to like it, show their feelings, and often, without realizing it themselves, make mistakes that can quickly lead to the opposite effect and a break in relations.

Error 1 : self-doubt. Women prefer confident men. If he constantly doubts and adapts only to the desires of a woman, she quickly loses interest in him. A man who is confident in himself, who knows how to make decisions and take responsibility, has a much better chance of reciprocal feelings than one who, constantly doubting, seeks approval from a woman.

Error 2 : rude. Any manifestations of bad manners prevent people from understanding each other. If a man allows himself to be rude, it can be assumed that he does not respect his companion, does not strive to make a favorable impression on her. After all, the more serious intentions a man has, the more attentive and affectionate he becomes to his chosen one.

Mistake 3 : One of the biggest mistakes men make in relationships with women is insisting on physical intimacy. As a rule, this type of men is not inclined to think about the feelings of other people. It is important for them to assert themselves, to get the desired result. In most cases, with this approach, a serious relationship is not planned at all with a girl. It is only a means for its own self-realization. Although, in general, the topic of intimacy in a relationship is of no small importance.

Error 4 : fear of showing a woman his weakness. From childhood, men are brought up in severity, instilling in them strictly “male” qualities.

Growing up, a man is terribly afraid to show some simple human feelings and emotions. He does not allow to admit to some kind of weakness, believing that it is not masculine. However, all people have emotions. It will be much more pleasant for a woman to see a living person next to her who is not afraid to show her feelings, trusting her with her experiences.

Thus, at the beginning of a relationship, men and women often make mistakes. Wisdom lies in being able to recognize them in time, draw conclusions and change your behavior.

“The easiest and most effective way is to talk. Chat, ask each other questions. Discuss everything that worries and excites, ”advised the psychologist.

Honesty and directness in a relationship is the best way to rapport and it is better to apply it from the very beginning of the relationship.

It is very important not to shut yourself up in your fears and doubts. At the initial stage of the relationship, they arise almost exclusively due to a lack of information. Therefore, it is simply necessary to share with your partner what is on your mind. Clarify, clarify. Practice shows that in most cases any doubts can be dispelled by simply talking about this topic with a partner. Directly asking him what he thinks about it, what his intentions are for it, what his views are about it.

Otherwise, the person begins to wind himself up, may succumb to the corrals and destroy the relationship.

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