What is poly love
Polyamory: What Does It Mean?
Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors
Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on June 29, 2021
In this Article
- What is the Difference Between Polyamory and Swinging?
- Myths and Misconceptions About Polyamory
- How Polyamory Works in Relationships
- How to Explore Polyamory
- Helping Your Loved Ones to Understand Polyamory
Polyamorous people have multiple loving, intentional, and intimate relationships at the same time. Polyamory is a type of open or non-monogamous relationship that follows certain guidelines.
Polyamory specifically refers to people who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. It does not mean any type of open relationship that may include more casual sexual partners. In many polyamorous relationships, each partner is aware of the other ones. Partners may also have relationships or friendships with each other.
There are a few different types of polyamory:
- Solo polyamory includes people who don't have primary partnerships but date multiple people.
They remain mostly independent in their personal lives.
- Polyfidelity refers to a group of three or more people who have a committed relationship with each other and do not date outside of the group.
- Hierarchical polyamory means people who have primary partnerships to which they devote the most time and attention, and secondary and tertiary partnerships that receive less time and attention. The primary partner may have more power over important decisions.
- Non-hierarchical polyamory refers to people who don’t have a hierarchy of partners. It is also called egalitarian polyamory or relationship anarchy. Each partner may receive equal time and attention. They may also have equal input on important life choices.
What is the Difference Between Polyamory and Swinging?
Swingers have multiple sexual partners but may not develop emotional or romantic connections with their partners. Swingers usually attend sex parties and other events to swap partners.
They may have recurring sexual partners, but their focus is not on having romantic relationships.
Polyamorous people, on the other hand, focus on fostering romantic relationships. Polyamorists can also be swingers or attend swinger parties. Swingers are sometimes also polyamorous.
Myths and Misconceptions About Polyamory
Polyamory is Just Cheating
People in polyamorous relationships are open and honest with each other about their other partners. Successful polyamory depends on honesty, integrity, and communication. Polyamory is not about being secretive or hiding your activities with your other romantic partners.
Additionally, people in polyamorous relationships can cheat. In a poly relationship — as it is sometimes called for short — doing something secretive may count as cheating, depending on the relationship agreements. Examples include seeing a new partner and hiding it from someone or violating a previously set boundary.
Polyamorists Are Just Avoidant or Afraid of Commitment
Commitment in polyamory often looks different than it does in monogamous relationships.
Couples may not create traditional relationship milestones together, like cohabitation, engagement, or marriage. However, they still have committed relationships and are there for each other. Some people believe that polyamory requires a lot of commitment because of how much dedication to open and honest communication it requires.
Polyamorous Relationships Don't Have True Intimacy
Some people do find that having multiple partners detracts from the intimacy in their relationships. But, other polyamorous people find that being in intimate relationships with multiple people creates more intimacy due to the vulnerability and communication required.
Polyamourous People Don't Get Jealous
Many polyamorous people do get jealous. However, the way they deal with jealousy is usually different than the way monogamous people do. They usually view it as an insecurity or fear to work on and overcome, rather than a relationship-ending problem.
Parents Having Multiple Partners is Damaging for Their Children
More research is needed to determine the full effect of polyamory on children. However, preliminary research shows that some polyamorous families can be good for children. Just as with monogamous parents, some situations may be better or worse for children depending on several factors.
Polyamorous People Just Want to Have a Lot of Sex
Some polyamorous people do have a lot of sex, but for many, the focus of polyamory is more about building loving, intimate relationships. Most romantic relationships do involve sex, including polyamorous ones.
How Polyamory Works in Relationships
Polyamorous relationships are complex and each one is different. People in polyamorous relationships design their own relationships by setting their desired boundaries and establishing rules that are different from those in monogamous relationships.
One of the most important agreements that polyamorous people have is an agreement about safer sex.
This usually refers to a rule about who they will have unprotected sex with and forms of birth control for people who can get pregnant. This is essential to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections or unintentional pregnancy in polyamorous relationships.
How to Explore Polyamory
If you already have a partner, the first step towards establishing a polyamorous relationship is to talk to your partner about it. If you are nervous about bringing it up, you may want to gauge their interest in or knowledge of the topic by:
- Inviting them to watch a movie with a polyamorous situation
- Asking them what they think about polyamorous people you both know
- Asking them their thoughts about a non-monogamous celebrity
- Sending them an article about polyamory
Bring up the topic in a moment of peace, in a safe space and time. An argument is not the best time to ask about opening up the relationship. If your partner says no or expresses concerns, listen to them.
Relationship specialists recommend reassuring your partner that you still care about them. Express your reasons for wanting to try polyamory while also assuring them that you are committed to the relationship.
However, if you already know that you are poly, whether you have a partner or not, it may be best to seek out new partners who are already polyamorous, or at least interested in non-monogamous relationships.
Helping Your Loved Ones to Understand Polyamory
Coming out as polyamorous should always be your choice. You may choose to come out to personal friends or family members, but not to coworkers or acquaintances. Consider why you would like to come out before you do so.
Some experts recommend finding out a person's thoughts about polyamory by asking them a few questions before you come out. You can ask them about another alternative lifestyle choice or a movie with polyamory in it to gauge what they may think about polyamory.
When coming out to children, relationship experts recommend waiting for the child to ask about your relationships.
Give honest and age-appropriate information. Present the information in a calm manner to help children feel safe and secure.
Polyamory: What Does It Mean?
Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors
Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on June 29, 2021
In this Article
- What is the Difference Between Polyamory and Swinging?
- Myths and Misconceptions About Polyamory
- How Polyamory Works in Relationships
- How to Explore Polyamory
- Helping Your Loved Ones to Understand Polyamory
Polyamorous people have multiple loving, intentional, and intimate relationships at the same time. Polyamory is a type of open or non-monogamous relationship that follows certain guidelines.
Polyamory specifically refers to people who have multiple romantic relationships at the same time. It does not mean any type of open relationship that may include more casual sexual partners. In many polyamorous relationships, each partner is aware of the other ones.
Partners may also have relationships or friendships with each other.
There are a few different types of polyamory:
- Solo polyamory includes people who don't have primary partnerships but date multiple people. They remain mostly independent in their personal lives.
- Polyfidelity refers to a group of three or more people who have a committed relationship with each other and do not date outside of the group.
- Hierarchical polyamory means people who have primary partnerships to which they devote the most time and attention, and secondary and tertiary partnerships that receive less time and attention. The primary partner may have more power over important decisions.
- Non-hierarchical polyamory refers to people who don’t have a hierarchy of partners. It is also called egalitarian polyamory or relationship anarchy. Each partner may receive equal time and attention. They may also have equal input on important life choices.
What is the Difference Between Polyamory and Swinging?
Swingers have multiple sexual partners but may not develop emotional or romantic connections with their partners.
Swingers usually attend sex parties and other events to swap partners. They may have recurring sexual partners, but their focus is not on having romantic relationships.
Polyamorous people, on the other hand, focus on fostering romantic relationships. Polyamorists can also be swingers or attend swinger parties. Swingers are sometimes also polyamorous.
Myths and Misconceptions About Polyamory
Polyamory is Just Cheating
People in polyamorous relationships are open and honest with each other about their other partners. Successful polyamory depends on honesty, integrity, and communication. Polyamory is not about being secretive or hiding your activities with your other romantic partners.
Additionally, people in polyamorous relationships can cheat. In a poly relationship — as it is sometimes called for short — doing something secretive may count as cheating, depending on the relationship agreements. Examples include seeing a new partner and hiding it from someone or violating a previously set boundary.
Polyamorists Are Just Avoidant or Afraid of Commitment
Commitment in polyamory often looks different than it does in monogamous relationships. Couples may not create traditional relationship milestones together, like cohabitation, engagement, or marriage. However, they still have committed relationships and are there for each other. Some people believe that polyamory requires a lot of commitment because of how much dedication to open and honest communication it requires.
Polyamorous Relationships Don't Have True Intimacy
Some people do find that having multiple partners detracts from the intimacy in their relationships. But, other polyamorous people find that being in intimate relationships with multiple people creates more intimacy due to the vulnerability and communication required.
Polyamourous People Don't Get Jealous
Many polyamorous people do get jealous. However, the way they deal with jealousy is usually different than the way monogamous people do.
They usually view it as an insecurity or fear to work on and overcome, rather than a relationship-ending problem.
Parents Having Multiple Partners is Damaging for Their Children
More research is needed to determine the full effect of polyamory on children. However, preliminary research shows that some polyamorous families can be good for children. Just as with monogamous parents, some situations may be better or worse for children depending on several factors.
Polyamorous People Just Want to Have a Lot of Sex
Some polyamorous people do have a lot of sex, but for many, the focus of polyamory is more about building loving, intimate relationships. Most romantic relationships do involve sex, including polyamorous ones.
How Polyamory Works in Relationships
Polyamorous relationships are complex and each one is different. People in polyamorous relationships design their own relationships by setting their desired boundaries and establishing rules that are different from those in monogamous relationships.
One of the most important agreements that polyamorous people have is an agreement about safer sex. This usually refers to a rule about who they will have unprotected sex with and forms of birth control for people who can get pregnant. This is essential to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections or unintentional pregnancy in polyamorous relationships.
How to Explore Polyamory
If you already have a partner, the first step towards establishing a polyamorous relationship is to talk to your partner about it. If you are nervous about bringing it up, you may want to gauge their interest in or knowledge of the topic by:
- Inviting them to watch a movie with a polyamorous situation
- Asking them what they think about polyamorous people you both know
- Asking them their thoughts about a non-monogamous celebrity
- Sending them an article about polyamory
Bring up the topic in a moment of peace, in a safe space and time. An argument is not the best time to ask about opening up the relationship.
If your partner says no or expresses concerns, listen to them.
Relationship specialists recommend reassuring your partner that you still care about them. Express your reasons for wanting to try polyamory while also assuring them that you are committed to the relationship.
However, if you already know that you are poly, whether you have a partner or not, it may be best to seek out new partners who are already polyamorous, or at least interested in non-monogamous relationships.
Helping Your Loved Ones to Understand Polyamory
Coming out as polyamorous should always be your choice. You may choose to come out to personal friends or family members, but not to coworkers or acquaintances. Consider why you would like to come out before you do so.
Some experts recommend finding out a person's thoughts about polyamory by asking them a few questions before you come out. You can ask them about another alternative lifestyle choice or a movie with polyamory in it to gauge what they may think about polyamory.
When coming out to children, relationship experts recommend waiting for the child to ask about your relationships. Give honest and age-appropriate information. Present the information in a calm manner to help children feel safe and secure.
Polygamous What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy and why there are more "open" couples? According to Mac, such connections have great prospects: they are becoming more and more popular. "Lenta.ru" understands the intricacies of communication and studies the issue using examples from the life of fans of free love.
Polyamory as a system of views approves the love relationships of partners with other people and encourages not to pay attention to the gender of the partner, that is, it welcomes non-traditional relationships. At the same time, polyamory and polygamy are close, but not identical concepts: the first focuses on love, the second on the family format. Polyamory is more of an outlook on life than a way of life.
Supporters of polyamory believe that not everyone can maintain monogamy, that freedom in choosing a life partner or partners is necessary. Two important conditions for such communication are the voluntary consent of all parties and absolute honesty.
The desire to have several love partners is considered absolutely natural. At the same time, all relationships that support polygamous people should be based on trust and respect, excluding the emergence of conflicts on the basis of jealousy, lies or betrayal.
Almost polygamy
An exact definition of polyamory itself and its criteria is impossible - everyone interprets it in their own way.
As a polyamorous relationship develops and new members are included in it, the format of communication can change from free to serious and vice versa. All parties that are in contact with each other should be able to speak openly and honestly among themselves.
One for all
On March 16, 2016 News.
com.au published an article about Josh from South Carolina. The American attracted the attention of journalists with an unusual way of life: he has three girls at once, with whom he is in an open polyamorous relationship.
Sarah, Alyssia and Mary-Ashley claim that this way of life suits them perfectly.
Photo: OpenMinded.com
It all started when Josh and Sarah met a bisexual Alyssia who moved in with them. After some time, Mary Ashley joined the three lovers, which, as it turned out, rallied the group even more.
Each of the lovers brings something new to the common life without losing their own individuality. According to the only man, he would have lived quietly without a relationship if each of them would not have been so "incredibly happy." "It's our choice," Josh concluded.
Fours claim that they never have problems because of jealousy. “Demanding everything from one person is just not fair,” added Josh, who believes that monogamous relationships put too much pressure on a person.
Family Modernization
Brandon Wade, creator of the Internet platform OpenMinded.com, called polyamory a form of “moral infidelity”: “Society has come to the conclusion that modern marriages no longer meet the needs of people and need to be modified. The "male-female" format is no longer satisfactory. Members of an open relationship are unconcerned freaks. These are successful, self-confident people, young professionals who do not take monogamy as a standard.”
Photo: Fred Prouser / Reuters
What is
In March 2016, a 34-year-old woman who took the pseudonym Lisa told her story of polyamorous relationships to Elle. The heroine of the material has four lovers, including her civil husband. The husband is also dating two of his wife's partners.
“I grew up in a large family, and I always lacked the attention of others. Perhaps this is my way of getting it. I want to give love, which is very much in my heart. Sometimes I just go crazy in love with someone.
Polyamory allows me not to throw off all this endless tenderness on my husband, ”Lisa explained her addictions.
Everything changes
“After we got married, I couldn't believe I wouldn't have my first kiss again. It made me incredibly upset, ”recalls Lisa.
For the first time, the couple raised the issue of monogamy and their attitude towards it at the age of 18, when they had just moved in together. And both came to the conclusion that for them it is too much and even impossible. Since then, the couple periodically invited other people into their relationship, but this was not enough. After several years of living together, the couple completely abandoned the conventions and patterns by which they were originally going to build their marriage.
“Thanks to this kind of relationship, it is possible to overcome the feeling of jealousy. You can talk openly about your feelings and freely make plans for the future, ”the woman explains.
Liza's husband also has a woman out of wedlock.
Both women understand how they complement each other, and interact perfectly with each other.
Goes to the masses
The American Institute of Public Opinion Gallup conducted a study, the results of which showed that, compared with 2001, in 2015 the number of citizens accepting polygamous relationships more than doubled.
Photo: gaelx / Flickr
In 2009, Newsweek published statistics showing that more than 500,000 American families are in open polygamous relationships.
“Our system is completely focused on the nuclear family model with two biological parents. Many polyamorous families do not come out to neighbors or staff at their children's school. They are afraid that they will not be understood or judged,” Sandra Peace, a psychologist from California, comments on the situation to Mac. She has worked a lot with people who are part of the polyamorous community.
She also notes legal grounds for preventing polyamorous partners from being open about their relationships.
According to Peace, this complicates divorce proceedings, establishing custody of common children, and creates other problems.
Voice of Reason
In 2000, one of the most high-profile court cases took place about the impact of a polyamorous family on a child. April Divibiss, a contestant on the MTV show, was deprived of custody of her own child due to the fact that she was in a polyamorous relationship.
The TV star's mother filed a lawsuit alleging that her granddaughter Alana was growing up in inappropriate conditions (April lived with two men). As a result of a two-year struggle, the girl was given to be raised by her grandmother, recognizing that she was able to create better conditions for her granddaughter.
What to be afraid of
“The possibility of child welfare services to remove them from polyamorous families is deeply embedded in the minds of any parent who shares our views. Vindictive exes, misunderstood relatives or neighbors - they can all pose a great danger and at one point destroy the family with some kind of harmful message, ”Pis explained the impact of the Divibiss case on the polyamorous community.
The psychologist believes that, along with the legalization of unions of same-sex couples, it is necessary to recognize polyamorous relationships in society.
“The help of several partners in caring for a baby at once is invaluable. One couple can sit with the child, and the second goes out. What could be better? - Sandra Peace complacently in her work for the John F. Kennedy University (California, USA).
What is polyamory: pros and cons, difference from polygamy
- What is polyamory
- What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy
- Why people choose polyamory
- For and against polyamory
- Polyamory in Russia and worldwide
- Expert comments
What is polyamory
Polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy - the presence of several partners and intimate relationships. They can be both sexual and platonic, but always with the full consent of all parties, regardless of gender.
Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru
One in five Americans have been in a non-monogamous relationship in the past, and about one in 20 admits to one today. Studies show that partners in such relationships are happy on a par with married monogamous people [1]. Polyamorous relationships require openness, trust, the consent of all participants, as well as good communication skills, clear boundaries and mutual respect. Polyamory is different from other forms of open relationships, such as swing, which are predominantly sexual relationships involving other people or couples without emotional attachment.
Polyamory is not legally recognized as a form of sexual orientation. But this question remains the subject of much controversy among sexologists and "practicing" polyamorists. Many people in non-monogamous consensual relationships believe that this is their orientation. They tried to find satisfaction in a monogamous relationship, but failed. The term "polyamorous relationship" is still positioned as a personal choice or lifestyle.
© Cottonbro/pexels
What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy
Polyamory is often confused with polygamy or marriage to more than one person at the same time, but they are different concepts. Polygamy involves marriage to more than one person of the opposite sex, most commonly a man with multiple wives. Polyamory, while including married partners, describes a wider range of relationships, both heterosexual and LGBTQ+.
Non-monogamy can be different. Sexual relationships range from polyamory to polygamy. Other arrangements may include polyverity, a closed relationship that involves sexual and emotional commitment to a group of more than two people, and relationship anarchy, a format in which there is no hierarchy and, accordingly, there is no division of partners into "main" and "additional".
Why people choose polyamory
As a rule, partners consciously choose polyamory because they see it as an opportunity to deepen their connection with each other.
Many people think that polyamory is cheating. But this is a common misconception. Cheating is deceit and betrayal, for example, if you and your partner agree not to have sex with other people, but one of you breaks this promise. The difference between cheating and polyamory is that in the latter case, partners agree to be in relationships with other people.
Some polyamory advocates see the value of the classic relationship between two partners as obsolete and rethink stereotypes about sex and romance.
“In my close circle, polyamory is the norm, and monogamy is the exception,” says Alexander, a fashion designer in a polyamorous relationship. - As a teenager, I fell in love with everyone, and the stereotype prevented me that you need to love someone alone. From the age of 18, I was in several parallel relationships at once, and this is not about one-time sex, but about an emotional connection as well. I have been married for 20 years and my wife is the best woman in the world.
In the beginning, we considered ourselves monogamous. But the need for other people remained, and it was not clear how to talk about it. Later came to polyamory. We discussed issues of jealousy, betrayal, and it turned out that nothing prevents us from enjoying the company of other people. I think in terms of aesthetic experiences. It happens that a casual connection at a party develops into a wonderful spiritual contact that is not disturbed by distance. So, we meet with N in different countries, we do joint projects. For me, a relationship that lacks a sexual aspect is inferior, and a person with whom an intimate relationship is associated is easier to trust.
There is no standard test for polyamory tendencies. Relationships exist in order to be happy in them. Therefore, to the question “Is polyamory right for you?” the answer will be extremely simple. It is only important to decide how comfortable it is to let several people into your life and share partners with others.
© Rene Ranisch/Unsplash
Pros and cons of polyamory
Any relationship can be destroyed by jealousy and arguments about raising children, warns Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education.
In polyamorous unions, these aspects are complicated by the number of participants. Polyamory can be kept secret from close friends and family. According to the non-profit organization Loving More, at least one in four polyamorous people have been discriminated against.
Among the arguments in favor are the following:
- A polyamorous relationship in which all participants know about each other, voluntarily accept this fact and try to take care of the interests of partners and their feelings, may seem the most humane option, where there is no place for betrayal and possible harm caused to the psyche of each of the participants.
- Among the positive aspects, one can single out the potential for a deeper understanding and development of relations as such, a careful attitude towards partners, more time spent on establishing and maintaining a quality connection. It is impossible to be in a long-term polyamorous relationship and not strive to better understand all the participants, their motivation.
- The most intriguing of the arguments for is the experience of living an emotional and intimate connection with several partners at once, without the burden of guilt and fear of being discovered, without clarifying the relationship and causing pain to those you love. If in polyamorous unions it is possible to build a balanced interaction in which everyone feels comfortable, then the bonuses from such communication can more than exceed the resources spent.
At the same time, the very theoretical model of polyamory — everyone accepts everyone, approves and enjoys loving everyone they like — in practice, it often encounters a harsh reality. Some people are accustomed to wanting the exclusivity of a relationship, especially when falling in love with a partner is great and completely captures. Then any applicant for his attention is perceived as a threat, which gives rise to anger, jealousy and leads to suffering. Thus, it can be difficult to achieve a balance in a relationship when the new person is perceived not as a potential breaker, but as someone who is important to the partner and deserves respect.
© Katerina Holmes/Pexels
Another challenge is making the decision to reformat the relationship. It happens that one in a couple is ready to go for this experiment, while the second is forced to agree, realizing that if he refuses, he will be left or deceived. Under such conditions, it is almost impossible to talk about the free choice of this form of relationship.
And you also need to understand that with the increase in the number of partners, the amount of attention and investment that is required to be done in order to satisfy their relationship needs inevitably increases. Thus, one must be prepared to master the skills of organizing interaction in which no one will be deprived, otherwise a collision with resentment, envy and anger of one of the partners is inevitable, which does not strengthen the union.
Polyamory in Russia and around the world
To collect statistics, sociologists conduct surveys among respondents from polyamorous websites and send out questionnaires.
It should be borne in mind that among the participants there may be simply interested people and those who do not intend to move away from monogamy. In October 2015, 5043 people aged 13–55 were interviewed [2]. The status of the respondents was assessed using the question “Do you consider yourself polyamorous?”. Answer options were offered:
- no, and I never would;
- no, but used to be;
- no, but would like to;
- yes.
The study showed that 59.8% of those surveyed consider themselves monogamous, 25.5% would like to try a polyamorous relationship, 7.6% indicated that they were in a relationship in the past, and 7.1% are polyamorous. The number of people from the latter group was higher than the researchers expected. They attribute the high rate to sample bias. It included social media users who take online personality tests. Often these are young, liberal, atheistic and non-heterosexual people.
© openpsychometrics.org
In terms of gender, there are more polyamorous men among men, while women tend to be monogamous in the majority.
© openpsychometrics.org
Age doesn't really change how you think about relationships with multiple partners. After the age of 33, theoretical interest in them decreases against the background of a larger number of both monogamous and polyamorous respondents.
© openpsychometrics.org
In 2015, the poll was also conducted by the American Institute of Public Opinion Gallup [3]. According to the results of the research, it turned out that the number of people choosing polygamy has almost doubled compared to 2001.
Expert comments
Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education
So far in Russia (as, I believe, in the entire Western world), polyamory is treated with caution. There are no official statistics for our country, and there won't be for a long time. Still, it takes time to introduce something new into such a highly regulated sphere of life as marriage or a romantic partnership.
Apparently, the choice of polyamory is due to the fact that the usual forms of organizing relationships are no longer satisfying. An increase in life expectancy, the emergence of the opportunity to have several relationships, and not just one, orientation to one's own interests and needs - all this leads to the fact that a person is trying to figure out how to arrange the intimate part of his life in a more acceptable way than just entering into secret relationships .
Polyamory may be an attempt to revise the rigid norms of public morality, dictating that only the relationship of two people can be considered as falling under the category of marital or love.
The question "How to come to terms with a partner's polyamory?" wrong. Only a union of several people formed on a voluntary basis can be polyamorous, but if one of the participants must accept such a fate, this is no longer a polyamorous union, but abuse. Not always in polyamorous unions, all participants have sexual relations with each other.
So, for example, in the union of one woman and two men, the latter may not have any physical relationship with each other. And in general, this is what polyamory and a voluntary form of interaction are for, so that no one is forced to do something that he is not ready to do or does not want to do.
Arina Vintovkina, sexologist, psychologist, journalist, author of the blogs @vintovkina_arina and the telegram channel “This is normal”, married, 12 years of marriage, in a polyamorous relationship for four years
I am for kindness and awareness, against hypocrisy, gender stereotypes, hetero- and monocentrism. Analyzing my relationships and polyunions of friends, I can say that the only common denominator for adequate polyamory is the absence of initially unsuccessful starting conditions. For example, when people think about polyamory when they find themselves in a crisis situation, and hope to “fix” the relationship in this way. Before going polyamorous, my husband and I were monogamish for several years.
The difference between this term and classical monogamy is that we had more sexual freedom, but the relationship was not completely open. At the same time, sex-positive thinking and mutual trust were always present. When a person appeared in my life, to whom something inside me responded and flared, I immediately informed my husband about it. I wanted to share the joy with a loved one.
Our main principle in polyamorous relationships has been and remains unchanged: first we discuss the next step, then we take it.
Being openly polyamorous means often repulsing attacks and making excuses. I am calm about any private opinion, when it is expressed without obvious hostility. In recent years, I have been called both a narcissist and a person with a mental disorder, reproached for childhood trauma and problems with self-esteem. I can say one thing: by itself, the format of relationships, whatever it may be, does not say anything about human problems or pathologies of the psyche, it is a matter of motivation in each specific case.
And it is impossible to determine it from the threshold if you are not a psychic. There is very little research on polyamory. But those that are, objectively show that there are no differences in personality tests, regardless of the number of partners. Polyamorous people are no more neurotic or immature.
For example, there was a 1986 comparative study on the inability to be in a long-term relationship with 80 couples. Some of them were monogamous, others preferred an open relationship. Five years later, both of them had approximately the same statistics on parting - about 20%.
Polyamory has not made me less jealous than I was, say, ten years ago. The only thing that has changed is that I have learned to live with jealousy. My husband also believes that marriage is not a purchase, but an agreement and the best relationship is possible only for love, without trying to protect a partner from what brings him joy. Under what conditions is a loved one allowed to do what he wants? On the condition that he be happy.
