What is being gaslighted mean

How To Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

An Integrated Approach to Young Adult Mental Health Rehab

Home
Resources
Mental Health
How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

Reading Time: 7 minutes

With more young people talking openly about mental health, gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have also shown up in popular media recently—for example, in the Netflix series Maid, the novel and movie The Girl on the Train, and the reality TV show The Bachelorette.

Overall, that’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships. But before you accuse someone of this behavior, it’s important to understand what gaslighting really means and how to look for the signs of gaslighting in a relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition and origin of the word gaslighting, the mental health impact of this behavior, and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which Alfred Hitchock later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships like this, and is closely associated with other types of emotional and physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.

If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, consider whether someone has exhibited any of the following behaviors within your romantic, family, or work relationships:

Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof
Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong
Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you
Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior
Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out
Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault

Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions
Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior
Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”
Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

Any of these signs of gaslighting in a relationship are cause for concern and indicate that the connection is unhealthy and may be causing severe mental health repercussions for the person being gaslit.

Know the Facts

74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse at Work and in Society?

It’s also important to recognize gaslighting abuse symptoms in the workplace and other contexts outside romantic relationships. Blame shifting in relationships and other gaslighting behaviors can take place between colleagues or between a supervisor and employee. Typically the perpetrator acts in a way that causes the other person to question their take on the situation, undermining their confidence and belief in themselves. Someone might use gaslighting as a tactic to avoid owning up to a mistake at work, or to unfairly take credit for a task well done.

Another type of workplace gaslighting is known as “whistle-blower gaslighting.” This describes a situation in which an employee who reports misconduct at work, such as a toxic environment or sexual harassment, is made to feel that they are overreacting, remembering wrong, or misinterpreting.

Gaslighting can also be perpetrated against marginalized or disempowered groups in the workplace. A gaslighter might try to dismiss or deny their colleagues’ experiences or identities. One study involving women of color in the field of academic science found that all participants had had negative workplace experiences, including gaslighting. Women in general are often subject to gaslighting, particularly when reporting gender-based violence, according to a study published in the American Sociological Review. “Gaslighting could not exist without inequities in the distribution of social, political, and economic power,” writes Harvard researcher Paige L. Sweet.

The Impact of Gaslighting Abuse on Mental Health

Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health issues worse.

Moreover, even after leaving an abusive relationship, people who have been gaslit often struggle with PTSD and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologize or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.

Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.

Robin Stern
PhD, author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You and Eroding Your Mental Health

The most damaging gaslighting abuse symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. Here are some of the mental health consequences of being gaslit.

Having trouble making even simple decisions
Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends
Constantly second-guessing yourself
Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you
Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad
Walking on eggshells around the other person
Believing that you are too sensitive
Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations
Feeling lonely and trapped
Doubting your own memory and sanity
Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe
Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time
Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”
Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become
Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.

Know the Facts

A study of 250 young adults found that abusers who gaslit their partners also exhibited high levels of emotional detachment, impulsivity, and risk-taking and anti-social behaviors.

5 Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Talk to others about what’s happening. Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words. A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse. There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Practice trusting yourself again. Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.

Support for Overcoming the Mental Health Consequences of Gaslighting

After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.

Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow young adults to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth. At Newport Institute, our model of care focuses on supporting young people to build trusting connections with others while reestablishing their connection with their own inner guidance and wisdom.

Contact us today to learn more about our approach to young adult treatment and our outpatient and residential locations around the country.

Sources

J Sexual Aggression. 2021 Jan; 27(2): 1850893.

J Women Minorities Sci Eng. 2021; 27(2): 1–23.

Am Sociolog Rev. 2019 Sept; 84(5): 851–875.

J Perinatal Neonatal Nursing. 2018 Jan; 32(1): 59–65.

Mental Health / November 4, 2021

The Young Adult Brain and Narcissism

Reading Time: 7 minutes

By the time we reach age 10, our brains have grown to their full size. But that doesn’t mean they’ve finished developing. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for weighing consequences vs. instant gratification, making thoughtful decisions, and managing emotions, doesn’t fully mature until the mid-20s, and possibly even later. Moreover, the prefrontal cortex, in conjunction with other brain regions, is associated with feelings like empathy and compassion, which catalyze our desire to help others.

So if young adults sometimes seem just as impulsive and self-centered as teenagers, and don’t feel ready to be an adult at 21, can they blame it on their brains? Yes and no. While they’re hardwired to focus on building their own identity and autonomy, young adults aren’t held hostage by their immature brains. Most of the time, they can make choices that support both healthy brain development and pro-social behaviors, even if they have to work a little harder to do so.

10 Essential Tasks of t

he Prefrontal Cortex

The prefrontal cortex, the area behind the forehead, is the very last part of the brain to mature. The tasks undertaken by this powerful brain region are known as executive functioning, and include:

Calibration of risk vs. reward
Prioritizing competing information
Thinking ahead
Self-evaluation
Long-term planning
Emotion regulation
Complex decision-making
Impulse control
Focusing attention
The ability to ignore external distractions.

Studies also show that the prefrontal cortex is one of the major brain regions involved in human prosocial behavior—actions intended to help others. Thus, as a general rule, older adults may find it easier to access these emotions and engage in these types of behaviors. That doesn’t mean that young adults don’t have intense feelings of compassion and caring—their involvement in activism is proof that they do. It’s just that young adult brains are occupied with so many other tasks that these emotions aren’t always prioritized or translated into action.

The prefrontal part (of the brain) is the part that allows you to control your impulses, come up with a long-range strategy, and answer the question ‘What am I going to do with my life?’ That weighing of the future keeps changing into the 20s and 30s.

Dr. Jay Giedd
lead researcher, NIMH Human Brain Development in Health Study

Risk-Taking and Narcissism in Young Adults

The still-maturing brain of adolescents and young adults is wired to focus on risk-taking, pleasure, novel experiences, and what others think of them. But the lack of prefrontal cortex impulse control in young people may have an evolutionary purpose. Researchers theorize that teens’ and young adults’ tolerance for risk-taking supports them to dive into unknown situations and discover whether they are dangerous or rewarding.

While this fearlessness allows young adults to expand their experiences and push out of their comfort zones, it also increases their vulnerability to self-destructive risk-taking, such as unsafe sexual behavior, unsafe driving, and substance abuse. In addition, adolescents and young adults are more sensitive to peer pressure. That makes the likelihood of risk-taking higher if they’re in the presence of friends of the same age.

When does the brain fully develop? As young adults reach the second half of their 20s, “there’s better communication between parts of the brain that process emotions and social information—like what people think of you—and the parts that are important for planning ahead and balancing risk and reward,” says developmental psychologist Laurence Steinberg of Temple University, author of a study on the neuroscience of adolescent risk-taking.

Mental Health and Narcissism

Is narcissism a chemical imbalance? The answer isn’t so simple. Due to the complex interplay between brain development, neurotransmitters, mental health and narcissism, young people who are more narcissistic may also be at higher risk for certain psychological disorders.

The disorder most people think of first in reference to mental health and narcissism is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissistic personality disorder is believed to affect only around 6 percent of people nationwide, and is more prevalent in younger people. However, narcissistic tendencies are associated with other types of mental health issues as well:

Depression and narcissism: A 2020 study found that narcissism contributes to persistent and intrusive negative feelings, which in turn increase the severity of depressive symptoms.
Anxiety and narcissism: In general, narcissists crave acceptance and acknowledgment. Consequently, they may suffer from intense anxiety about being humiliated or rejected. And because they often struggle with relationships, people with narcissistic traits may be more prone to social anxiety. That might explain why social media addiction is associated with both anxiety and narcissism.
PTSD and narcissism: One study found that trauma survivors who showed higher levels of narcissism were also more likely to develop PTSD. Some mental health professionals see narcissism itself as a PTSD response resulting from childhood trauma. As we will see, there is a clear relationship between childhood trauma, mental health and narcissism.

Know the Facts

Before it fully matures, the brain is more vulnerable to stress- and trauma-related disorders, such as anxiety and depression.

Trauma and the Narcissist Brain

Both nature and nurture influence young adult brain development. Hence, genetics plays a role along with events and circumstances during infancy, childhood, and adolescence. Frequent and intense periods of stress—including physical or emotional abuse, chronic neglect, caregiver substance abuse or mental illness, and exposure to violence—impair the development of neural connections in the brain.

As a result, childhood trauma impacts young adults on a neurobiological as well as an emotional level. Research has shown that trauma can obstruct emotional self-regulation and keep the amygdala (the part of the brain that’s linked to fear) in a state of activation. Individuals who suffer from trauma and PTSD are in a constant state of “fight or flight,” in which the stress response overrides the brain’s reasoning and decision-making capabilities. Consequently, this can lead to lifelong problems in learning, behavior, relationships, and physical and mental health.

Childhood trauma can also result in the type of narcissism known as vulnerable narcissism. With vulnerable narcissism, the individual attempts to draw from others the attention and caregiving they did not fully receive as children. However, they are unable to return this caring and empathy. So-called grandiose narcissism refers to what we typically think of as egotistical narcissist behavior—arrogance, boasting, and believing one is better than others.

Is Narcissism a Choice?

Some level of narcissistic behavior seems to be a given in young adults. The young adult brain is naturally self-absorbed—and young people’s high levels of social media use appear to be enhancing that tendency. In fact, some experts believe that social media is creating a narcissism epidemic.

However, a 2021 study conducted by New York University’s Department of Psychology and Center for Data Science posits that young adult narcissism is driven by insecurity rather than an inflated ego. The researchers surveyed close to 300 people—about 60 percent female and 40 percent male—with a median age of 20. They found that people who display high levels of grandiose narcissism, as expressed in so-called “flexing” (self-congratulation and self-aggrandizing), are actually trying to compensate for low self-worth.

Fortunately, the narcissist brain has the ability to evolve. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change in response to experience. Young adults can choose to prioritize a particular behavior or move on from a negative emotion rather than wallowing in it. When they do so, they’re actually shaping their own young adult brain development. They’re creating synapses (connections made by cells in the brain and nervous system) that support stronger functioning in certain areas.

Narcissists are insecure, and they cope with these insecurities by flexing. This makes others like them less in the long run, thus further aggravating their insecurities, which then leads to a vicious cycle of flexing behaviors.

Mary Kowalchyk
lead author of the NYU study

5 Ways Young Adults Can Build a Less Narcissistic Brain

Here are five ways young adults can build brain strength in the areas that support well-being and mutually supportive relationships with others. Some young people may need the assistance of parents, mentors, and/or life skills programs in order to establish these healthy habits and develop a toolkit for resilience, critical thinking, and caring for others.

Set goals and follow through.

Setting achievable goals and creating a step-by-step plan to reach those goals helps young adults develop impulse control and time management skills. Whether they’re writing a term paper or job hunting, having both short- and long-term goals and plans in place makes it easier to focus on moving forward while staying motivated and organized.

Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, conscious breathing, and yoga, work on a neurobiological level by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, also known as the relaxation response. At the same time, mindful practices help to calm a young adult’s busy mind, increasing clarity and focus. Meditation is also proven to enhance empathy, compassion, and pro-social behaviors.

Develop self-compassion.

In order to have compassion for others, we must first have compassion for ourselves. While it may seem counterintuitive, a foundation of self-compassion makes it easier for young adults to understand, accept, and connect with others, and to grow their awareness of others’ needs and desires. Extensive research conducted with young adults shows self-compassion is directly associated with increased social connectedness and decreased self-criticism, depression, and anxiety.

Establish healthy coping mechanisms.

When young adults learn to recognize the triggers that set off impulsive behavior, unhealthy risk-taking, and narcissistic spirals, they’re better equipped to avoid these obstacles to well-being. Once they know what prompts unhelpful and unhealthy emotions and behaviors, the next step is building a set of positive coping mechanisms. This can include simple breathing practices, visualization, affirmations, and creative activities like journaling and making art or music.

Do things for others.

Research shows that helping others improves our mental health and happiness levels—it literally generates endorphins in the brain, producing what’s known as a “helper’s high.” Helping others informally or finding a volunteering opportunity that fits their interests can also increase a young adult’s sense of meaning and purpose and enhance their feeling of being part of a larger community.

Ultimately, mental health and narcissism are inextricably entwined with young adult brain development and executive functioning. Therefore, it’s crucial for young adults who are struggling to receive support in building self-regulation skills and pro-social behaviors as part of their journey of healing from mental health challenges. To learn more about how Newport Institute helps young adults strengthen executive function, motivation, empathy, and interpersonal relationships, contact our Admissions experts today.

Sources

Pers Individual Differences. 2021 July; 177: 110780.

PLoS ONE. 2020 Nov; 15(11): doi 10.1371

J Nerv Ment Dis. 2020 Feb; 208(2): 161–164.

Front. Psychol. 2019 Sept. 10: 2058.

Mindfulness (N Y). 2018 Jun; 9(3): 708–724.

Prev Res. 2011; 18(2): 21–24.

Dev Sci. 2011 Mar; 14(2): F1–F10.

Mental Health / April 6, 2022

What is gaslighting: signs and methods of struggle

Typical phrases of gaslighters: “I didn’t say that”, “You are confusing something”, “It's just a joke”, “You are too sensitive”. If you often hear this in your address, we advise you to beware. Gaslighting can take on many different dimensions, and most importantly, it is much more common than it seems.

What is gaslighting
Signs of gaslighting
Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting Examples
The dangers of gaslighting
How to deal with gaslighting
Comments of psychologists

What is gaslighting

Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which the manipulator denies what happened, trying to make the victim doubt their own memories and change their perception of reality.

Gaslighter systematically devalues the words, experiences, deeds and successes of another person [1]. In the end, his victim begins to feel helpless and insecure. A person is increasingly thinking about his emotional stability and adequacy, while a gaslighter gets almost complete control in a relationship [2]. Such manipulation tactics are found everywhere - in a couple, in a family, at work, in a circle of friends. However, gaslighting may or may not be intentional.

The term began to be used in the middle of the 20th century. It owes its appearance to George Cukor's 1944 film Gaslight. According to the plot, the insidious husband manipulates the mind of a young wife, forcing her to consider herself mentally ill. First, he convinces his beloved that she has no talent for singing, persuades her to leave her career and return to her hometown. And then he begins to arrange strange incidents, convincing the girl that nothing unusual is happening around. As it turns out, the hero does all this in order to take possession of the inheritance of his wife.

Still from the film "Gaslight"

Signs of gaslighting

Gaslighting can be calculated by a number of characteristic signs. To do this, you need, first of all, to carefully listen to your own feelings. Here is a list of "symptoms" that may indicate that you are in a relationship with a manipulator:

you think you are doing everything wrong;
you push your desires into the background;
you feel anxious and insecure about yourself;
you always blame yourself if something goes wrong;
you have difficulty making even simple decisions;
you suspect yourself of excessive sensitivity;
you stopped enjoying your favorite activities;
you think that you used to be more confident and cheerful;
you often apologize to your partner, parents, colleagues.

As a rule, psychological abuse occurs gradually and imperceptibly. A person being gaslighted usually goes through three stages. They are not always consistent and may overlap.

1. Denial

At this stage, the first signs of gaslighting appear. The victim notices unusual changes in the behavior of the gaslighter, but does not attach much importance to this. For example, he may say something offensive to you or deny previous actions. You are surprised by this, but still confident in your point of view.

2. Protection

A person begins to doubt himself and his perception of reality. He is increasingly criticized by the manipulator and feels frazzled, but continues to defend himself. You argue frantically with the gaslighter and are constantly looking for evidence to convince him of your case and win his approval.

3. Depression

The victim does not have the strength to fight and argue - she loses her "I". The person begins to believe the words of the gaslighter and agrees with all the accusations in order to gain his favor. He feels helpless, overwhelmed, disorganized. In the third stage, clinical depression and anxiety disorders may develop.

Gaslighting Tactics

The gaslighter uses a variety of tactics to mislead the victim and influence their perception of reality. It's about methodical brainwashing. As a result, after some time, the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the aggressor - his mood, opinion, behavior.

Here are six of the most common gaslighting strategies. Observe yourself and those close to you. You may be able to recognize yourself or someone you know as the victim or manipulator.

1. Denying the facts

Gaslighters love to rewrite history. To make a person doubt their own memory, they distort the facts and change the details of events. The manipulator may categorically deny having said or done anything, even if the evidence suggests otherwise.

Instead, he will accuse the victim of lying: “Why are you composing? This has never happened!” Gaslighters can be so convincing that people really start to believe their version of events. The situation is aggravated if a distracted and forgetful person becomes a victim.

2. Bad jokes

The gaslighter is usually someone from a close circle. These are the people who have the greatest influence on us. They know about our vulnerabilities, weaknesses and experiences, which means that if they wish, they can easily use this knowledge to their detriment.

For example, gaslighters often make caustic and rude jokes about the victim, make inappropriate remarks, or give offensive nicknames. All this is disguised as friendly banter, when in fact the task of the manipulator is to hurt and humiliate.

3. Devaluation of emotions

Gaslighters often discount and ignore other people's feelings. If you are offended by his joke, be prepared to hear: “You are too sensitive! Don't make an elephant out of a fly." If you say that you feel bad, he will answer: “You thought of everything, it seems to you. Better do something useful."

The manipulator shifts the focus to his own experiences and needs, ignoring the state of mind of the victim. Over time, a person begins to believe that all his emotions and reactions are wrong, and ceases to trust his feelings. As a result, the gaslighter gains even more power.

4. Emphasizing the inadequacy of perception

From time to time, each person needs to "check the clock" with other people. We are looking for evidence of the accuracy of our perception of reality and the adequacy of statements. The gaslighter, on the contrary, tries to convince the victim that her reaction to the events that are taking place is abnormal.

He can say: "You've been very strange lately", "You're reacting inappropriately", "Are you sure everything is all right?", "You clearly need help." All this leads to the appearance of doubt, guilt and helplessness in the victim. This is exactly the effect that the manipulator achieves.

5. Shifting Responsibility

Under no circumstances will the Gaslighter admit to being manipulated. Instead, he will look for the guilty around him and will always come up with an explanation for his actions - he was provoked, forced or framed. A typical example of a reaction is: “I didn't mean anything bad. You took me out."

With this method of psychological abuse, the manipulator often projects his shortcomings onto others. He blames the victim for the behavior that is characteristic of himself. As a result, a person begins to make excuses and switches attention from the gaslighter to himself.

6. Aggression and Hostility

Gaslighter is always on the offensive. His favorite form of defense is attack. For example, if you suspect such a person of treason, he will accuse you of pathological jealousy, low self-esteem and self-doubt. And if you show him evidence, he will become aggressive.

In addition, the gaslighter tends to belittle the successes and achievements of his victim. Marker phrases: “At your age, I knew how to do this for a long time”, “Nothing special”, “Everyone can do it”, “And you try to do it faster / better”. His job is to make the victim feel inferior.

Gaslighting Examples

Gaslighters are not always easy to identify: they don't bruise and often masquerade as harmless humor, constructive criticism, or concern. It is easiest to understand this phenomenon with specific examples.

Couple gaslighting

Example: a woman is sure that her husband is cheating on her. She notices long hair on his shirt, lipstick marks on his neck. The man is increasingly late at work and does not pick up the phone. At the same time, to her suspicions, he says: “You are paranoid! Instead of feeding me dinner, you ask stupid questions. See a psychologist and don't distract me from work!"

Bottom line: after some time, the woman loses the ability to accurately assess what is happening. She begins to doubt her conclusions, blames herself for being too suspicious, and finally apologizes to her husband for baseless accusations.

Gaslighting for children

Example: a boy gets an A in chemistry, a subject that is very difficult for him. After school, he hurries home to please his parents. He proudly shows the diary to his father, and in response he hears: “So what? What are you so happy about? Also a great achievement for me! At your age, I generally had only fives. And you're not trying hard enough."

Bottom line: according to the father, this is how he stimulates his son's interest in learning and motivates him to strive for high results. In fact, the child ceases to trust his own emotions, becomes convinced of his insolvency and grows up insecure.

Gaslighting with a friend

Example: One friend regularly criticizes another about her appearance, hobbies, interests, and tastes. “I’m only telling you all this because I love you,” the girl explains. In addition, she likes to make sharp jokes about her friend and tell her about what they say about her behind her back. Most often, these are offensive things. But sometimes you can hear a compliment from her.

Outcome: The girl's self-esteem drops, but she continues to communicate with a toxic friend, because she gives the appearance of caring. In addition, the gaslighter wants to isolate the insecure girl from other people in order to gain more control over her. And her rare compliments are a way to confuse and keep on the hook.

Gaslighting in the workplace

Example: A new employee receives an assignment from a supervisor. He writes down everything that needs to be done and gets to work. When the assignment is completed, the boss reprimands the subordinate in front of everyone. He claims to have asked for something else. The employee shows the notes, but the manager replies indignantly: “Are you kidding me? How could I give you such an order! Are you all right?"

Bottom line: after a few remarks, the worker begins to believe that he misunderstands the words of the management. He gets confused, feels insecure in meetings, feels guilty, and is constantly under stress. As a result, its performance drops [3].

In addition, experts distinguish the following types of manipulation.

Self-gaslighting: when a person denies and devalues their own feelings (“I always exaggerate everything”, “It’s a shame to be upset about this”, “I am too sensitive”).
Physician gaslighting: when a physician ignores a patient's complaints, mistakenly believing that their symptoms are the result of a psychosomatic disorder.
Racial gaslighting: when gaslighting methods are applied to a person because of their race or ethnicity.
Political gaslighting: when politicians refer to the mental instability of opponents, distort facts or hide information in order to gain control over people.

Why gaslighting is dangerous

A person who has been a victim of gaslighting ceases to trust his feelings. Over time, due to the actions of the manipulator, he may seriously begin to think that he is suffering from a mental disorder. In addition, systematic gaslighting often leads to real psychological and emotional problems. Among them - increased anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, the formation of codependency. All this makes it difficult for the victim to get out of the influence of the manipulator.

“Victims of gaslighting usually have very low self-esteem. It is difficult to have a good opinion of yourself when you are constantly being proved that this was not or cannot be felt, what you feel is all “nonsense” and “fiction”. Immediately you begin to feel somehow different, ”explains Anastasia Afanasyeva, a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, specialist in the Alter psychologist selection service.

Another important point: emotional abuse often develops into assault. So, if a person experienced gaslighting at the beginning of a relationship, they are more likely to experience physical abuse in the future.

Some experts suggest that gaslighting can cause schizophrenia. “Psychosis can potentially happen, but gaslighting is unlikely to be the main trigger for this. Most likely, the person already had a genetic predisposition. But to stop understanding and distinguishing your emotions, to lose confidence in your own memory, to start devaluing what is happening to you - these are the direct consequences of gaslighting, ”adds Anastasia Afanasyeva.

A vivid example of the devastating effect of gaslighting on a person is the Zersetzung technique. Its name can be translated from German as "biodegradation" or "decomposition". In the 1970s and 1980s, this method was actively used by members of the GDR secret services to fight the “internal enemy”.

They broke into dissidents' houses and made minor changes to the interior: they hung towels, rearranged papers, opened windows, changed dishes, or poured a different kind of tea into the kettle. At night, people were disturbed by strange calls, their cars were moved to other places, and passers-by on the streets often called them by other names.

Everything was done to undermine a person's belief in his own adequacy. Demoralized victims withdrew into themselves, stopped leaving the house, slowly went crazy. As a result, they not only stopped political activity, but sometimes took their own lives.

How to deal with gaslighting

Psychological pressure can last for years before the victim realizes what is happening. At the same time, relationships with a gaslighter are most often characterized as dependent or codependent, which means that it is especially difficult to get out of them. Here are some helpful tips to help you resist manipulative techniques.

Trust your feelings

Listen to your feelings more often. If you're upset, then you are. Nobody has to convince you otherwise. Remember that you know yourself much better than anyone else, and your judgment of yourself is much more accurate than the opinion of a gaslighter. During disputes, do not try to convince the manipulator - it is pointless. Be firm: stick to your own version of events and facts. This way you can deal with uncertainty even if the gaslighter builds up the pressure. The main thing when communicating with him is a confident tone and a decisive attitude. But you can’t show the aggressor doubts and fears.

“In order to avoid gaslighting, it is important to be aware of your physical and emotional boundaries. That is, you need to understand what is personally acceptable to you and what is not. If a person is well versed in his emotions, knows what his life values are and what he aspires to, then it will be extremely difficult to devalue his words and question his perception of reality, ”explains Anastasia Afanasyeva.

Enlist the support of friends

Ask people you trust to look at the situation from the outside. Do you really have the problems that the gaslighter talks about all the time? Do they notice your "oddities"? In addition, experts advise recording events: keeping a personal diary, taking photographs, recording conversations on a voice recorder. Firstly, this way you will always have evidence at hand that can be presented at the right time. Secondly, it will allow you to double-check your own words and memories. If you are convinced that you are right, the gaslighter will not be able to control you.

“The challenge here is not to find the 'correct' solution, but to get a variety of opinions. Perhaps you will see that reality is not as unambiguous as it is presented to you. In addition, sometimes it is useful to sit down and write a story in the third person, as if watching yourself from the side. This exercise will help you understand more clearly whether something is really wrong with you or with another person,” advises Anastasia Afanasyeva.

Don't let yourself be blamed

The next time a gaslighter starts to distort the facts and try to make you doubt your own adequacy, tell him directly that you are not ready to put up with his behavior. Let the manipulator know that you have figured out his tactics. Clearly define your boundaries and calmly explain that his words offend you and in the future you will not tolerate it. If all else fails and the manipulator continues to gaslight you, be prepared to minimize or completely stop communicating with him. The chances that the aggressor will change his behavior are reduced to zero.

Seek help

Often the victim is manipulated just because it is important for them to stay in a relationship with the manipulator and not break it off. For example, when it comes to gaslighting as a couple or between family members. In this case, you need to reconsider the tactics of your behavior and start following the new rules. It is best to seek help from a qualified professional. The longer a person is exposed to gaslighting, the more devastating the effects will be. A psychologist will help you cope with anxiety and fears, sort out your doubts and get out of the situation with the least losses.

Psychologist's comment

Anastasia Afanasyeva, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, Alter psychologist selection service specialist, lecturer at the Institute of Organizational Psychology

Anyone can become a victim of gaslighting - it all depends on the influence and persuasiveness of the person or group of people who use such manipulations. But there are certain characteristics and personality traits that make people more likely to gaslight.

First, young age and low level of education. Children do not yet have abstract thinking. It is difficult for them to understand their emotions and cause-and-effect relationships, so they take adults at their word. As the parent said, it really is. After all, they have nothing to compare with. The same applies to the level of education.

Secondly, suggestibility. If a person trusts other people more than himself, if the opinions of others and their reactions are more important to him than his own assessment, then the risk of gaslighting is greater. To resist such manipulations, you need to understand your personality well and have a strong internal reliance on things that are important to you personally.

Third, low self-esteem. If everyone around is so smart, wonderful experts, and I am so stupid and awkward - of course, I will believe them, and not myself.

Fourth, codependency. Overreacting to the emotions and actions of other people (especially those who are near and dear to you), a poor understanding of your interests and values, relying on the interests and values of a partner is a direct path to gaslighting.

Fifth, the inability to say "no" and defend personal boundaries. If a person is able to fight back and stop disrespectful behavior towards them, they are unlikely to be gaslighted easily.

The last and perhaps the most important point is the experience of violence in early childhood. As practice shows, usually it is he who leads to the formation of all of the above personality traits.

Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, Alter psychologist selection service specialist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education

You can't be born a gaslighter. But you can be born with a predisposition to certain behaviors. Due to the type of nervous system or the physiological characteristics of the organism, a person, for example, may be less sensitive to the suffering of others. Abusive behavior is formed when a child observes how a significant adult uses such manipulative techniques when interacting with him or with other people.

Some parents like to say: "You're making it up - it didn't happen", "I didn't say it and couldn't say it", "You dreamed it", "What are you whining about - nothing terrible happened". If you have heard such phrases addressed to you and at the same time began to doubt your memories or feelings, you have encountered manifestations of gaslighting.

People who engage in abusive behavior rarely think about how it affects others. They seek to derive their own benefit from what is happening. And doubts about whether they behave correctly, as a rule, do not visit them - this is due to the protective mechanisms of their psyche. Therefore, gaslighting is usually noticed by the person to whom it is carried out.

If you want to save the relationship, try telling your partner that you feel uncomfortable when he does this to you. Focus on your feelings and ask him to pay attention to it. Most likely, the partner will need professional psychotherapeutic help in getting rid of the gaslighting pattern. But if it is your mutual desire to make the relationship more comfortable, then most likely he will take such a step.

Abuse: how to recognize moral abuse and what to do.

Gaslighting - what it is, signs, examples, how to resist

Many things that seem harmless can cause serious damage to the psyche. Unsolicited advice to lose weight or constant doubts about your sense of humor can be gaslighting. Clinical psychologist Aliya Sabirzyanova explains in simple terms what it is, what are the signs and types of gaslighting and how to deal with it

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. One person, manipulating another, intimidates him, makes him doubt his own abilities, the adequacy of his judgments, and even his memories. The term owes its origin to Patrick Hamilton's play Gaslight ("Gas light", hence the concept of gaslighting) and its film adaptation 1944 years with Ingrid Bergman. The woman she plays is manipulated by her husband, the first ever gaslighter. He rearranges objects, turns on gas lighting so that the light in his wife's room begins to fade. The man insistently claims that all this only seems to his wife. All this is necessary so that he can convince her that she is insane and rob Bergman's heroine with impunity.

Finished reading here

Gaslighting as a form of violence includes both isolating the victim and regularly instilling guilt in her, but the methods here are much more sophisticated. Everything is based on a subtle individual psychological approach, in which the balance and confidence of the victim are gradually shaken, and the abuser takes almost complete control, dictating his will to her.

Why is gaslighting dangerous? A person loses the ability to check with himself, rely on beliefs.

As soon as a person loses this support and loses touch with reality, he becomes very suggestible and can be convinced of anything, even that he is insane. The victim becomes completely emotionally dependent on the gaslighter - his moods, opinions, behavior.

Related material

The longer the gaslighting lasts, the more the victim feels that something is wrong with him, all his feelings are deceitful or wrong. At the same time, she will stubbornly deny the influence of the gaslighter. The mental health consequences can be devastating, ranging from increased anxiety, reduced self-esteem to clinical depression. Particular attention should be paid to the fact that gaslighting can be a provoking factor in the development of certain diseases or disorders - such as schizophrenia, OCD, depersonalization and derealization (of course, if there is a predisposition to them).

How to understand that you are being gaslighted

First, a person develops insecurity in actions and thoughts. The victim will doubt everything: in his adequacy, in the decision already made, in the feeling whether she is a good person (mother, wife, employee), whether she is doing the right thing. Secondly, the feeling that the partner’s opinion is the only true one becomes an alarming signal. Only he alone and no one else knows what is right.

Victims have a constant inner tension: everything seems to be in order on the outside, but something is not right. This tension practically does not go away, but only grows and becomes unbearable. This is exacerbated by the fact that the person's social circle is rapidly shrinking, because the victim is embarrassed, ashamed, or has to lie and keep back when asked about a partner. In such isolation, gaslighting the victim becomes even easier.

The victim begins to believe that the gaslighter really cares about them and wants only the best.

According to the research of psychoanalyst Robin Stern, any victim of gaslighting goes through three stages.

At first, she notices oddities in the behavior of the abuser, but does not want to devalue her relationship, thinks that this is a minor incident that will not happen again, and does not attach any importance to it.
She then begins to doubt herself and her own perception - but tries to confront the gaslighter, to convince him,
Third stage - the victim believes the abuser is right. She understands that she is wrong or even to blame for what is happening. She can no longer distinguish his manipulation from real concern, trying to adapt to his requests so that he approves of her behavior. The main goal is to meet his expectations.

What Tactics Do Manipulators Use?

A gaslighter has many different tactics that he uses methodically, but they all have one goal in common - to use psychology to change the perception of the victim in any way. We can list the most common examples of gaslighting in life.

Denial: “You are making this up, it never happened. I couldn't say that." These are the most common statements made by gaslighters in a confident and peremptory tone. It is they who make the victim question his memory over and over again.

Devaluation of emotions: “In reality, you don’t feel so bad”, “Your reaction is inadequate”, “And you mean you don’t feel guilty?” Depreciation and deliberate suggestion of "false" feelings leads to the fact that the victim ceases to understand what she really feels, what her true emotions are, does not trust her feelings.

Assurances of inadequacy: "You dreamed", "You dreamed again!", "Something is wrong with you the last few days!", "It seems to me that you are not yourself. " Such pressure provokes doubt, guilt and helplessness in the victim, which only increases its dependence.
Shifting responsibility. “It's your fault (a)”, “You forced me (a)”, “It's all because of your intemperance!”. The gaslighter won't admit he's manipulating. On the contrary, he will declare that he was forced to do this with her. As a result, the victim begins to justify the gaslighter and sincerely believe that she deserves everything that happens to her.

Toxic sayings and jokes: "Who else will tell you the truth?", "Believe me, I'm saying this because I love you." Usually such phrases are followed by statements, the purpose of which is to injure and offend the victim. This leads to the fact that the victim begins to believe that the gaslighter really cares about her and wants only the best, in parallel, there is an addiction to constant humiliation.

Because of the closeness that partnerships entail, the gaslighter usually has a free hand

There are also several types of gaslighting: in relationships, at home, at work, and among friends. All of them have their own characteristics and typical examples.

Couple Gaslighting

Due to the closeness that partnerships entail, the gaslighter is usually completely free to work. He can combine all of the above tactics, further isolating the second partner from family and friends, like a spider weaving a web from which it will be difficult to get out.

For example: a gaslighter husband, in order to maintain control over his wife, regularly emphasizes that she forgets everything and never remembers promises. So he makes her feel guilty and gradually makes her doubt that she is able to remember something correctly. Now he can force her to do what she was not ready for: to introduce experiments into her sex life. The wife, on the one hand, is convinced that she really wanted to do just that, and on the other, the inner feeling that something is wrong will continue to corrode her.

Gaslighting in Friendships and Family

Common gaslighting tactics in friendships are toxic language, denial and devaluation of emotions. The same can be said about relationships with parents when they refuse to understand the feelings of an already grown child or dismiss the experiences of a teenager.

For example: a friend (or even a mother), in order to steadily increase her own self-esteem and satisfy her need for power, regularly shows concern for someone else’s weight: “No one will tell you, because they don’t care about you, but I must say: you improved a lot. I do not offend you, but I tell the truth, because I love you and care about you.

Related material

Gaslighting at work

The most common tactics in this case are denial, belief in inadequacy and shifting responsibility.

For example: a leader who does not accept the thought that he may be wrong gives you a specific assignment. You carry it out, but his idea is not accepted by the management. He publicly says that he did not entrust you with anything, you yourself came up with this task and in general where your head was when you did it.

How to deal with gaslighting

The first and most important step is to detect gaslighting in a relationship. The easiest way to do this is at the first or second stage, it is much more difficult at the third, when the victim is already completely dependent on the manipulator and the fight against him seems unrealistic. In any case, the way out of such a relationship will be to restore confidence in yourself, so all recommendations will be based on this.

Trust your own feelings

You will have to gradually get rid of the influence of the gaslighter. Start with bodily sensations. Even the mere assurance that you are really cold or hot will slowly begin to give you back the ability to understand what you really want and think.

Be aware of physical and emotional boundaries

Notice what is unacceptable to you, how you should not be treated. Try to use your boundaries as a point of stability. Try to give up more often what is unpleasant for you and does not suit you. Stand your ground.

Expand your social circle

Reach out to people you knew before the gaslighter. Find out how they see you personally from the outside, if you have changed, how they see your relationship and your partner. Try to get a different opinion, proof that you adequately perceive reality.

Learn more