What is a non monogamous relationship
Ethical Non-Monogamy 101: Basics & Rules For Practicing ENM
What is ethical non-monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is an approach to relationships wherein people can have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time, and everybody involved is aware and enthusiastically consents to the dynamic. Polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships.
"When explaining ethical or consensual non-monogamy to my clients, my go-to is the three C's: communication, consideration, and of course, consent," psychotherapist Cheyenne Taylor, LMSW, explains to mbg. "Ethical non-monogamy is based on the concept of using socially acceptable guidelines and ethically motivated tools to cultivate a relationship built on the foundation of non-monogamy. At its core, though, ENM means not cheating or acting without the consent of your partner."
Ethical non-monogamy has risen in popularity dramatically in recent years. One 2017 study1 found 1 in 5 people has been in some form of ethically non-monogamous relationship before.
What it means to practice ethical non-monogamy:
1.
You and your partner(s) agree on what you want and don't want.
There are no set "rules" when it comes to ethical non-monogamy, according to licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. Rather, the people involved in a relationship will make agreements about what the relationship dynamic will look like. "Agreements imply that both (or all) people are agreeing to something, making it an ethical and collaborative decision," she notes.
Partners can decide if they want their relationship to be committed, casual, long term, short term, romantic, sexual, or any combination of these things. They mutually agree on what types of connections they'll pursue and not pursue, both with each other and with other people, and they can set any parameters or expectations they'd like to make all parties feel comfortable.
"Every relationship has its own agreements, and that's really up to each relationship to figure out," Wright says. For example, "Some have specific things around STIs because of preexisting conditions, while others may have agreements around emotional involvements and where/how you interact with your non-live-in partner."
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2.
Honesty is vital.
Honesty and transparency are the bedrock of ethical non-monogamy, says Taylor.
"Being clear about your boundaries, limits, and expectations is crucial when working to facilitate a healthy and sustainable relationship," she explains. "I typically recommend using frequent and sometimes scheduled check-ins as a way to put aside time to discuss feelings about the relationship, any hang-ups or issues that need adjusting, and how each person is feeling on an authentic and honest level."
People in ethically non-monogamous relationships must become comfortable with talking openly about their feelings, needs, and desires, as well as being attentive to other people's.
Active listening and empathy are necessary, Taylor says. "Taking the time to reflect on and communicate your biases, insecurities, and fears around ENM before you transition into this kind of dynamic is critical."
3.
You need to care about your partners' feelings.
Being non-monogamous does not mean you get to care less about anyone's feelings and well-being. On the contrary, ethical non-monogamy necessitates a lot of care and empathy. Taylor notes that many of the same basic ethical considerations from monogamy still apply to non-monogamy: no lying to each other, no pressuring each other into things one person doesn't really want, and no going behind each other's backs.
"Making decisions that might have a direct or inadvertent impact on your partner/partners without consulting with them or gaining their consent first is not encouraged," Taylor adds.
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4.
You can still have a primary partner.
Some non-monogamous people still choose to have one "primary" partner. This type of ethical non-monogamy is known as a hierarchal relationship.
"Hierarchical dynamics consist of partners who (for a number of reasons) prioritize time, commitment, space, etc., with certain partners over others," Taylor explains. "For example, someone may prioritize their spouse over their lover, and in this case, the spouse would be a primary partner and the lover would be a secondary partner."
5.
You can also choose to have non-hierarchal relationships.
Some people who practice ethical non-monogamy don't have or want a primary partner. Instead, all their partners may be considered equally important or important in different ways. "In non-hierarchical dynamics, relationships are not necessarily categorized based on level of importance or priority," Taylor explains.
For example, a person might have many casual partners, none of whom you consider a "committed" life partner.
Or, a person might have two partners who they're equally committed to. Some people might have a group of people where everyone is dating one another—for example, a triad is a relationship with three people who are all romantically involved with one another, or a quad is a group of four people who are all romantically involved with one another.
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6.
There will be ups and downs.
"I think it's important to note that relationships are relationships are relationships," Wright says. "What I mean by that is, human connection is human connection, and whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, they all have the potential for experiencing challenges, conflict, joy, pain, and every other emotion under the sun."
She says it's common for people to experience all sorts of positive and negative emotions in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, including "jealousy, insecurity, fear, worry, doubt, excitement, increased libido, deepened connection with 'original' partner, autonomy, freedom, conscious boundaries, conscious communication, abundant gratitude, and compersion!"
7.
Yes, you'll likely be jealous sometimes.
"There is a common misconception that people who agree to enter ENM relationships don't experience jealousy. This is simply not true," Taylor says. "Jealousy happens. This is why communication and honesty are key."
Over time, people in ethically non-monogamous relationships may experience jealousy less often or less intensely, or they may simply have better ways of coping with it when it crops up.
"One of the best practices you can have is having a practice of self-reflection and unlearning," Wright says. "We are deeply programmed for monogamy and even when we choose to practice otherwise, the impulses and feelings we get don't follow suit so quickly. There is a big transition process into the mindset of ENM."
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8.
It can be a lifestyle, or it can be an identity.
Some people view non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice, whereas others experience it as an orientation or intrinsic part of their identity, says Wright.
"I experience polyamory the way I experience my bisexuality and queerness—as an orientation," she tells mbg. "Both as a mental health professional and as a person in the polyam community, I think there is a mix of people, some finding it more of a lifestyle choice and some find that, like me, it would be more of a choice not to."
Ethical non-monogamy vs. polyamory.
Polyamory is one form of ethical non-monogamy, with the latter acting as an umbrella term that encompasses many types of relationships. Swinging, casual sex, open relationships, and polyamory are all forms of ethical non-monogamy, and there are many others.
Polyamory refers to having multiple romantic partners at once, which not all ethically non-monogamous people do. For example, a couple might occasionally have sex with other couples (aka swinging), but they don't actually date people other than each other. That's a form of ethical non-monogamy, but it's not necessarily polyamory.
Ethical non-monogamy vs. open relationship.
Open relationships are another form of ethical non-monogamy, with ethical non-monogamy being the umbrella term. Open relationships refer to any relationship where partners are currently open to sexual or romantic relationships with other people. Not all ethically non-monogamous relationships are open relationships. For example, three people might be dating each another and no one else, and they may not be open to any other relationships. This is a form of ethical non-monogamy, but it's not an open relationship.
Ethical non-monogamy vs. cheating.
Cheating is when you break the agreements of your relationship, in particular those related to sexual and romantic fidelity.
Ethical non-monogamy is not cheating, because in an ENM relationship, all partners have agreed to a relationship wherein everyone is free to be intimate with other people. Intimacy with others is part of the agreement, and therefore it is not cheating because everyone is in the know and consents to what's happening.
Cheating, on the other hand, is non-consensual and unethical non-monogamy, because it involves going behind your partner's back and engaging in intimate relations with other people without your partner's consent.
Importantly, cheating can also happen in ENM relationships: For example, two partners might agree that they're allowed to have sex with other people, but they won't develop romantic or emotional relationships with others. If one partner secretly has a second serious girlfriend, that would be cheating—because it's breaking the agreement they made to not engage romantically with others.
ENM is grounded in consent and mutual trust; cheating ignores those things completely.
Types of ethically non-monogamous relationships.
Here's a non-exhaustive list of some different forms of ethical non-monogamy:
- Polyamory: An approach to relationships wherein people can have multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time.
- Threesomes: A couple brings in a third person to have sex with them, whether for a one-night-stand or regularly. (Here's our guide to threesomes.)
- Swinging: When a couple has sex with another couple and/or "swaps partners."
- Cuckolding: When a couple brings in a third party to have sex with one of the partners, often with the other partner watching. (Here's our guide to cuckolding.)
- Hierarchical relationships: A relationship where there's a set of "primary partners," usually a couple, who prioritize each other while also having "secondary" partners.
- Polyfidelity: A relationship between a group of people where all members are equal partners in the relationship, and no one has sex with or dates people outside the group. Triads or throuples (groups of three), quads (groups of four), and vees (a three-person relationship where one person is dating two people, but those two people are not dating each other) can be forms of polyfidelity.
(Here's our guide to polycules.) - Relationship anarchy: An approach to relationships, usually non-hierarchal, where there are no set rules or expectations other than the ones that involved partners agree upon. (Here's our guide to relationship anarchy.)
- Open relationships: When a couple or set of partners are currently open to new romantic or sexual partners.
- Casual dating or casual sex: When people casually date and have sex with multiple people, with everyone knowing that it's happening.
- Monogamish: A couple that's mostly monogamous but might occasionally have sex with other people in certain situations.
FAQ:
What's the difference between ethical non-monogamy and polyamory?
Polyamory is one form of ethical non-monogamy, which is an umbrella term that also includes swinging, open relationships, romantic triads and quads, and much more. Polyamory usually involves an openness to multiple loving relationships, whereas ethical non-monogamy could involve openness to multiple loves, openness to multiple sexual partners only, or a multi-person romantic relationship that is not currently open to new connections.
Is ethical non-monogamy the same as an open relationship?
An open relationship is one where the partners involved are currently open to new connections. Open relationships are one form of ethical non-monogamy, but not all ethically non-monogamous relationships are open to new connections at all times. For example, three people may be dating each other exclusively as a triad but not open to any other additional connections.
Is ethical non-monogamy healthy?
Monogamous relationships can be healthy or unhealthy, and likewise, ethical non-monogamous relationships can sometimes be healthy and sometimes be unhealthy. In general, ENM is not more or less healthy than monogamy. It all just depends on the individuals involved and the dynamics between them.
The takeaway.
Ethical non-monogamy is a broad term that encompasses any form of relationship (romantic or sexual) that doesn't take the form of an exclusive, monogamous relationship between two people.
It can be liberating, fun, a lifestyle choice, or simply just the way you are. It can also be confusing, complicated, stressful, and hard. (Just like any other kind of relationship!)
If you're interested in trying ethical non-monogamy for the first time, here's how to know if an open relationship is right for you and how to ask for an open relationship.
How Does Non-Monogamy Work? A Beginners' Guide
Image: Christa Jarrold
Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that covers a wide range of non-traditional relationship styles – all the way from “monogamish” to polyamory, relationship anarchy and everything in between. It isn’t superior to monogamy, or necessarily practised by people who are more enlightened or well-rounded. It’s just a different way of approaching love and romance, that veers away from the norms and values associated with a traditional relationship.
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Serial monogamy (AKA having one exclusive partner at a time) is how most relationships are depicted in films, TV shows and books, and it’s the reason your gran relentlessly asks if you’ve “settled down yet”.
We’ve been socialised into believing that this is the gold standard of relationships: If you really love someone, then you wouldn’t fancy someone else. But what if your idea of domestic bliss involves toggling between getting railed by strangers and then going home to snuggle with your primary partner?
Alternative relationship styles have always been around, but interest in them has increased rapidly since the pandemic. And while one of the UK’s largest family law firms reported a 95 percent rise in divorce enquiries last year, sex-positive dating apps like Feeld have also soared in popularity. But what exactly does a non-monogamous relationship entail? There’s a common belief that they revolve around orgies and group sex (they do for me, because I’m a slut) but it’s just as much about shared calendars, time management and getting more comfortable with having difficult and honest conversations.
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If you’re thinking about exploring other options but don’t know where to start, read on to learn some more about how non-monogamous relationships can function.
Work out what you want, then communicate it
Before dipping your toe – or any other extremities – into the world of non-monogamy, it’s important to figure out your boundaries and then immediately and clearly communicate them with your partner. It’s hard in a new relationship, because nobody wants to call a “serious talk” when you’re still spontaneously fucking in nightclub toilets. But humans are not mind readers, and you’re doomed from the get-go if you don’t explain your boundaries.
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Having said that, boundaries should have some level of flexibility. My previous six-year relationship started off monogamous, but soon developed into a monogamish arrangement involving partner swapping and group sex. Soon, we were contributing to a Google Doc titled “Our Rules” with commandments like “wash your sheets if you’ve had someone round” and “no getting with mutual friends”.
We committed to getting a sexual health check-up every three months, but even our rules on STI protection evolved; “condoms for anything involving someone else” eventually morphed into “condoms for everything other than oral”.
In my current relationship, we have scheduled chats where we talk about how we feel and whether we’re happy with the current parameters of the arrangement. People grow, relationships shift; what worked yesterday might not work today or tomorrow.
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Opening up a relationship VS starting one open
From my experience, it’s easier to begin as a non-monogamous relationship than it is to open up a monogamous relationship. It’s less alarming to hear about your partner hooking up with other people, if that’s the way it’s always been. But opening up a closed relationship requires a series of painful conversations followed by cautious baby steps, and it can take years to get it right.
Janet Hardy, co-author of The Ethical Slut and author of 13 books on non-monogamy, told me how healthily opening a monogamous relationship might look.
“There's nearly always going to be one partner who is more adventurous about outside relationships and one who is less so,” she says. “If you’re doing it right, you wind up with one person feeling just a little bit stretched and pushed, but within their tolerance, and one person who's feeling a little bit constrained, but within their tolerance.
“So if everybody is just a little bit unhappy, that's a good sign that you're doing it right. If one person is delighted and the other person is unhappy, then that's a good sign that you're doing it wrong.”
Own your emotions
There’s a common misconception that people who practice non-monogamy are like emotional zombies who never feel insecure or jealous. It’s not true – the difference is that they’ve learned (or, at least, aspired to learn) the knowledge and tools that can help deal with jealousy in a productive way. It’s pretty much impossible to control the initial feeling; you’re going to have a wobble, or, as Hardy calls it, a “jelly moment”. My partner and I call them “blobby moments”.
Jealousy is a natural emotion: acknowledge it, feel it, and don’t try to shut it out. “Own your jealousy and figure out what it is that you might need in order to feel more secure,” says Ruby Rare, a sex educator, author and podcaster. “The times in my life when I've felt jealous in romantic relationships is because I didn't feel like I was getting the kind of comfort and reassurance that I need in order to feel secure.”
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Hardy adds: “Initial jealousy starts feeling like a terrifying thunderstorm. And then, with practice, it becomes a gentle rain; you're still gonna get wet, but it's gonna be a lot less scary.” She advises that when you’re explaining your feelings, try writing “I” messages as opposed to “you” messages.
“Don't say ‘you’ did this,” says Hardy. “Say ‘I feel frightened because when I see you doing this, I worry that you might leave’, or ‘I feel angry because I thought we had an agreement.’ That's an easier place to start from than trying to blame.”
Beware of ‘new relationship energy’
One of the toughest parts of a non-monogamous relationship is what poly people call new relationship energy (NRE): the intoxicating emotional, physical, and sexual response you feel when you first get with someone new and you’re rapidly falling in love. It’s a lot like the delicious part after you come up on MDMA, when your fists are clenched, your eyeballs are going north and there’s nothing in the world that matters other than the next tune the DJ drops. Obviously, it doesn’t feel great when your partner has this with someone else.
“They’re all sparkly and happy bringing this joyful energy,” Hardy says. “It is tough. You’re in the bathroom cleaning out the cat box and he’s come back from his hot date with someone who still wears makeup.
”
That means it’s the responsibility of the person with the shiny new relationship not to flaunt it. “It's just rude to come home and tell your partner, ‘Wait until you hear about the great time I had with them’,” says Hardy, “particularly early on, while they're still feeling insecure. Find someone else to lay that on – your partner is not your cheerleader.”
Rare is quick to point out the pitfalls of becoming too consumed with the endorphin-soaked NRE experience. “NRE is a lovely feeling,” she explains, “but also know that it is an unsustainable way of feeling and you're not going to feel like that forever. Don’t make any big life-changing decisions – like moving to another country or buying a house – while at the height of NRE. Wait for those feelings to settle.”
Non-monogamy is a tough path to follow, but a rewarding one if you’re willing to work on yourself. There are going to be conflicts and difficult times, but that’s the case for monogamists too. In the end, it’s up to you to shape your relationships – and the world is full of potential when you put fewer limits on love.
@oldspeak1
Can non-monogamous relationships be healthy - HEROINE
It's okay to want relationships with multiple men. The heroines of novels, rom-coms have repeatedly faced the choice between two, three or more equally attractive partners, and in life this is not such a rare situation. Another thing is to enter into relationships with several people. Such connections are considered to be frivolous, unreliable and simply indecent.
An open relationship is chosen as an alternative when a person is not ready to bind himself with obligations. But adherents of polyamory and other forms of non-monogamy are sure that such relationships can also be full-fledged. Heroine explores whether it is possible to build healthy relationships with multiple partners at the same time.
What is consensual non-monogamy
This is a general term for any relationship where all participants agree to have multiple romantic and sexual partners.
There are different forms of non-monogamous relationships: open, polyamory, polyverity (one of the forms of polyamory), triads, and others.
Despite the differences, they have the main common condition - agreement and openness. When a guy sleeps with another girl behind your back, it has nothing to do with consensual non-monogamy.
Which form of relationship is better: monogamy or polygamy
Most of us find it difficult to imagine that it is possible to share our partner with someone else, but this does not mean that monogamy is the only true form of serious, “real” relationships.
Last year, PhD, UC Berkeley licensed counseling psychologist Heath Schechinger and colleagues published a paper that asked 175 people about the benefits of non-monogamy and compared their responses to a similar study of monogamous people. In every type of relationship, people find their advantages.
Monogamous partners said that trust each other because they are faithful and do not give reasons for jealousy.
In non-monogamous relationships, people noted that they built trust on the utmost openness and honesty.
Speaking of sexual benefits of , monogamous partners find that being faithful to one person makes them feel more comfortable and not worry about STIs. Participants in open relationships value diversity in their intimate lives, and also note that they have more frequent and better sex than when they were in a closed relationship.
Monogamous people believe that this form of relationship gives them emotional security , a sense of depth, respect and reliability. Adherents of open ties also talked about reliability - having several partners, oddly enough, gives them stability. The fact is that a non-monogamous person is less dependent on one particular partner, so they are more likely to cope with a breakup. As for love , monogamous people believe that they can only have deep feelings for one person.
Non-monogamous partners talked about the possibility of loving several people, experiencing different forms of love, in addition, they are much less pressured by the need to choose.
In general, arguing about what is more correct, monogamy or polygamy, is just as pointless as figuring out what is better - tea or coffee, cats or dogs. It's a matter of preference and personal comfort.
1Read Related: Orgies Without Commitment: 7 Myths About Polyamory
Basic Principles of Healthy Non-Monogamous Relationships
The main problem with open relationships is managing jealousy. Non-monogamous people do not deny this feeling, but view it as an emotion that can be controlled. This requires a lot of work on yourself and honest interaction with a partner.
To take control of the feeling of possessiveness, you need to follow a few rules: accept your responsibility for feeling jealousy, and not shift it onto your partner; explore and correct your insecurities; enter into dating and sex agreements; tailor agreements to suit your own expectations.
In other words, it's up to you and your partner to decide how much to open up the relationship.
For example, participants in a polyvernic relationship (this can be any number of people) agree that they enter into sexual and romantic relationships only with each other. An open relationship involves sex with an unlimited number of partners without any obligations.
Why non-monogamous relationships are so stigmatized
Despite the fact that consensual non-monogamous relationships involve mutual consent and honesty, do not coerce or mislead their participants, they still have an extremely unpleasant reputation.
One of the reasons people don't want to accept non-monogamous relationships as normal is they fear that their partner will ask for an open relationship. Someone is afraid of being abandoned, someone sincerely considers sex with several people immoral. In any case, the issue of recognizing non-monogamous relationships raises a lot of emotions.
According to Heath Schechinger, breaking the stigma around non-monogamy will help people be more open and sincere, whether they choose to live with one partner or more. More needs to be said about why people in monogamous relationships experience infidelity and why so many marriages fail – over 50% in Russia. (but infidelity is not the most common reason for divorce in our country).
If people stop being judged for wanting to try new things, it will be easier for everyone to create safe, honest relationships.
How do you feel about non-monogamous relationships?
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What is non-monogamy and why is it so popular? Today we at invme tell you what it is, what types of relationships exist, and why they are gaining popularity.
Traditional relationships involving only two people are no longer the only type of partnership, non-monogamous relationships are becoming more common
What is non-monogamy
relationships, polyamory as a separate segment open relationships , swing, polyverity, BDSM and a dozen other types of relationships. The definition of "contractual", "consensual" or "ethical" is added to emphasize the consent and voluntariness of the partners.
What types of relationships are there
Polyamory and its types
Polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy - the presence of several partners and intimate relationships. They can be both sexual and platonic, but always with the full consent of all parties, regardless of gender.
Species:
V ratio . A relationship where one person is dating two other people who are not related in any way. The writing of the Latin letter V, as it were, hints at the number of partners.
Triangle . A type of relationship in which three people meet each other.
Square . There are four people in a relationship. It can be two separate couples, one man and three women, one woman and three men.
Group , implies a relationship of more than four partners.
Solo is a format of polyamorous relationships where one person meets with several people without singling out leading relationships and without sharing life with them.
Hierarchical polyamory . A person who has connections with different people distinguishes between "primary" and "secondary" relationships.
Open relationships
An open relationship is one in which two people want to be together, not in a monogamous relationship, necessarily by mutual agreement. The remaining points, in principle, depend on the agreement of the parties. For example, it is not at all a fact that both parties must be polygamous, it happens that someone wants to remain monogamous and is so comfortable with him. Also, in principle, it is not necessary that exactly two people are in such a relationship, there may be more.
Let's say three people will be in the main relationship, and other partners in the side relationship.
Polyfidelity
A form of polyamory in which all members of a polyamorous group consider each other equal partners and agree to have intimate relationships only among themselves, but not with strangers. Polyverse relationships, like monogamous ones, are "closed": partners agree not to have sexual intercourse with anyone other than current members of their group - the only difference is that the number of participants in such a closed group is more than two people. As a rule, new members are accepted into such a group only with the unanimous consent of all current members - or not accepted at all.
Swing
Single (irregular) exchange of partners between couples. The definition of swing also includes the combinations “pair + girl”, “pair + guy”.
Swing differs from group sex in that it has rules that are negotiated between all partners before the “session”.
Sexual actions that each of the partners allows in relation to themselves, and an approximate “scenario” can be discussed. For example, a husband in relation to his wife is allowed everything he wants, and in relation to the second partner - only kisses. Or only the husband and wife are having sex, and the second couple at this moment has the right only to observe.
What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy
Polyamory is often confused with polygamy or marriage with more than one person at the same time, but these are different concepts. Polygamy involves marriage to several people of the opposite sex - most often a man with several wives. Polyamory, while including married partners, describes a wider range of relationships, both heterosexual and LGBTQ+.
Non-monogamy can be different. Sexual relationships range from polyamory to polygamy. Other arrangements may include polyverity, a closed relationship involving sexual and emotional commitment to a group of more than two people, and relationship anarchy, a format in which there is no hierarchy and, accordingly, there is no division of partners into “main” and “additional”.
Why people choose polyamory
As a rule, partners consciously choose polyamory because they see it as an opportunity to deepen their connection with each other. Many people think that polyamory is cheating. But this is a common misconception. Cheating is deceit and betrayal, for example, if you and your partner agree not to have sex with other people, but one of you breaks this promise. The difference between cheating and polyamory is that in the latter case, partners agree to be in a relationship with other people.
Some advocates of polyamory believe that the value of a classic relationship between two partners has become obsolete and are rethinking stereotypes about sex and romance.
“In my inner circle, polyamory is the norm, and monogamy is the exception,” says Alexander, a fashion designer in a polyamorous relationship. - As a teenager, I fell in love with everyone, and the stereotype prevented me that you need to love someone alone. From the age of 18, I was in several parallel relationships at once, and this is not about one-time sex, but about an emotional connection as well. I have been married for 20 years and my wife is the best woman in the world. In the beginning, we considered ourselves monogamous. But the need for other people remained, and it was not clear how to talk about it. Later came to polyamory. We discussed issues of jealousy, betrayal, and it turned out that nothing prevents us from enjoying the company of other people.
I think in terms of aesthetic experiences. It happens that a casual connection at a party develops into a wonderful spiritual contact that is not disturbed by distance. So, we meet with N in different countries, we do joint projects. For me, a relationship that lacks a sexual aspect is inferior, and a person with whom an intimate relationship is associated is easier to trust.
There is no standard test for polyamory tendencies. Relationships exist in order to be happy in them. Therefore, to the question “Is polyamory right for you?” the answer will be extremely simple. It is only important to decide how comfortable it is to let several people into your life and share partners with others.
Pros and cons of polyamory
Any relationship can destroy jealousy and arguments about raising children, warns Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education.
In polyamorous unions, these aspects are complicated by the number of participants. Polyamory can be kept secret from close friends and family. According to the non-profit organization Loving More, at least one in four polyamorous people have been discriminated against.
Among the arguments in favor are the following:
- A polyamorous relationship in which all participants know about each other, voluntarily accept this fact and try to be considerate of the interests of partners and their feelings, may seem to be the most humane option, where there is no place treason and possible harm caused to the psyche of each of the participants.
- Among the positive aspects, one can highlight the potential for a deeper understanding and elaboration of relationships as such, a careful attitude towards partners, more time spent on establishing and maintaining a quality connection. It is impossible to be in a long-term polyamorous relationship and not strive to better understand all the participants, their motivation.
- The most intriguing of the arguments for is the experience of living an emotional and intimate connection with several partners at once, without burdensome feelings of guilt and fear of being discovered, without clarifying the relationship and causing pain to those you love. If in polyamorous unions it is possible to build a balanced interaction in which everyone feels comfortable, then the bonuses from such communication can more than exceed the resources spent.
At the same time, the very theoretical model of polyamory — everyone accepts everyone, approves and enjoys loving everyone who is mutually liked — in practice, it often encounters a harsh reality. Some people are accustomed to wanting the exclusivity of a relationship, especially when falling in love with a partner is great and completely captures. Then any applicant for his attention is perceived as a threat, which gives rise to anger, jealousy and leads to suffering. Thus, it can be difficult to achieve a balance in a relationship when the new person is perceived not as a potential breaker, but as someone who is important to the partner and deserves respect.
Another difficulty is the decision to reformat the relationship. It happens that one in a couple is ready to go for this experiment, while the second is forced to agree, realizing that if he refuses, he will be left or deceived. Under such conditions, it is almost impossible to talk about the free choice of this form of relationship.
And you also need to understand that with the increase in the number of partners, the amount of attention and investment that is required to be done in order to satisfy their relationship needs inevitably increases. Thus, one must be prepared to master the skills of organizing interaction in which no one will be deprived, otherwise a collision with resentment, envy and anger of one of the partners is inevitable, which does not strengthen the union.
Polyamory in Russia and around the world
To collect statistics, sociologists conduct surveys among respondents from polyamorous websites and send out questionnaires.
It should be borne in mind that among the participants there may be simply interested people and those who do not intend to move away from monogamy. In October 2015, 5,043 people aged 13–55 were interviewed. The status of the respondents was assessed using the question “Do you consider yourself polyamorous?”. Answer options were offered:
- no, and I never would;
- no, but used to be;
- no, but would like to;
- yes.
The study showed that 59.8% of those surveyed consider themselves monogamous, 25.5% would like to try polyamorous relationships, 7.6% indicated that they were in them in the past, and 7.1% are polyamorous. The number of people from the latter group was higher than the researchers expected. They attribute the high rate to sample bias. It included social media users who take online personality tests. Often these are young, liberal, atheistic and non-heterosexual people.
In terms of gender, there are more polyamorous males, while females are predominantly monogamous.
Age indicators practically do not change views on relationships with several partners. After the age of 33, theoretical interest in them decreases against the background of a larger number of both monogamous and polyamorous respondents.
In 2015, the survey was also conducted by the American Institute of Public Opinion. According to the results of the research, it turned out that the number of people choosing polygamy has almost doubled compared to 2001.
Quote by Alena Golzitskaya, Systemic Family Therapist
“So far, in Russia (and, I believe, in the entire Western world), polyamory is treated with caution. There are no official statistics for our country, and there won't be for a long time. Still, it takes time to introduce something new into such a highly regulated sphere of life as marriage or a romantic partnership.
Apparently, the choice of polyamory is due to the fact that the usual forms of organizing relationships are no longer satisfying.
An increase in life expectancy, the emergence of the opportunity to have several relationships, and not just one, orientation to one's own interests and needs - all this leads to the fact that a person is trying to figure out how to arrange the intimate part of his life in a more acceptable way than just entering into secret relationships .
Polyamory may be an attempt to revise the rigid norms of public morality, dictating that only the relationship of two people can be considered as falling under the category of marital or love.
The question "How to come to terms with the partner's polyamory?" wrong. Only a union of several people, formed on a voluntary basis, can be polyamorous, but if one of the participants must accept such a fate, this is no longer a polyamorous union, but abuse. Not always in polyamorous unions, all participants have sexual relations with each other. So, for example, in the union of one woman and two men, the latter may not have any physical relationship with each other. And in general, this is what polyamory and a voluntary form of interaction are for, so that no one forces anyone to do something that he is not ready to do or does not want at all.”
Why monogamy is not always real
Even in seemingly monogamous societies, adultery is common. Those few who remain faithful to their chosen ones do not do it out of romantic motives.
Monogamy began to flourish when our ancestors began to lead a sedentary lifestyle. Probably, the need for it has, among others, economic reasons.
Over the past two decades, sociologists, legal scholars, and the public have become increasingly interested in polyamory. It forced them to take a fresh look at the very nature of romantic relationships.
One paper on polyamory claims that polyamorous partners have more friends because their social circle is wider. Moreover, they are more likely to maintain friendly relations with former partners. Polyamorous partners understand each other better and are less jealous.
Monogamous couples, on the contrary, often move away from their friends, especially in the first, more passionate, stages of a relationship.
Society's attitude towards polyamory is not always positive. There are many prejudices about polyamorous relationships, and one of the most common is that they are based on sex.
The presence of several partners is often associated with a dissolute lifestyle.
Polyamorous partners don't need a one night stand. They feel love and emotional attachment and are ready to be there for each other in joy and in sorrow.
What polyamory is based on
In polyamory, the following parameters are ethical - consent, honesty, fidelity, denial of possessiveness, respect, emotional comfort and security, continuous dialogue and reaching agreements (contracts). In all variants of non-monogamy, the realization of the desire to have sexual relations with more than one partner requires one hundred percent consent of all participants.
If there is no unanimity, what is happening cannot be called agreed, consensual, ethical.
In a relationship, great importance is attached to clear messages, mutual understanding and clear agreements. This capacity for contractual non-monogamy based on security, respect, is acquired along with the acquisition of self-identification, autonomy and maturity of each of the partners.
Emotional honesty and truthfulness about sexual desires is also expected - to yourself and your partner. In sex, you can and even need to give up everything that you do not want and that does not cause desire. In turn, when a person decides to try something new, he must make sure that his partner supports new ideas.
An example of a non-monogamous relationship
Irina Khakamada lives in an open marriage with her husband.
She married four times. She says: « All four of them changed , I found out about it. But for me personally, finding out about my husband’s infidelity, sending him to hell and living alone after that is not a solution to the problem. She admits: “It is very difficult for me to find a man who will be on my wave, so I decided to find a compromise. We have a partner marriage: he is free and so am I. But we exist together because we are high ... We agreed, without cheating. And everyone knows everything about the other. But we have lived for more than 20 years and we live on” .
This is an example of an open relationship, when such interaction with a partner becomes not a problem, but, on the contrary, its solution.
An excerpt from the book by sex educator Masha Halevi “Polyamory.
Freedom to choose” “Society perceives non-monogamous people as less successful in all areas. One of the most impressive studies examining prejudice against people who lead a non-monogamous lifestyle has shown that in monogamous couples, partners are considered more reliable, loving and respectful of each other, they are more equal in rights, they have better communication skills, they do not get tired of each other. from a friend, are more independent, and their sex life is more intense.
Those who live in non-monogamous relationships are perceived as less satisfied with their lives, less caring and more alone, less law-abiding, less rational and less educated. Moreover, they allegedly do not recycle garbage, do not pay taxes, do not use dental floss - in a word, such people cannot be trusted to walk a dog.
It is extremely interesting to read such studies. They show how strong the stigmatization of people who prefer a non-monogamous lifestyle is.
