The need for control
7 Signs To Look For
Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors
In this Article
- What Is Controlling Behavior?
- Signs of Controlling Behavior
- What Is Coercive Control?
- Causes of Controlling Behavior
- Dealing With Mild Controlling Behavior
- Signs of Danger and How to Get Help
What Is Controlling Behavior?
Everyone wants a measure of control over their own lives. But controlling people also want to have a say in the lives of others.
When you’re on the receiving end of controlling behavior, it can make you feel embarrassed, angry, or inferior. In severe cases -- which can sometimes include a pattern of behavior called coercive control -- you might face threats, intimidation, or abuse.
Find out how to spot the signs that someone is trying to control you. Then, you can learn practical ways to take charge of your life.
Signs of Controlling Behavior
Some of the signs are:
They insist on having things their way
Controlling people often insist everyone do things their way, even when it comes to small issues that are a matter of personal choice. Your partner might insist you change clothes if you’re wearing something they don’t like. They may refuse to back down even after you make it clear you disagree with them.
They refuse to accept blame
No one likes to admit they made a mistake, but people who are controlling seem incapable of admitting fault. Even when their actions are clearly the issue, they'll find some way to blame you for what went wrong. It may be as petty as accusing you of distracting them when they made a mistake.
They need to be the center of attention
If you have a victory, no matter how small, you can count on the controlling person in your life to try to upstage you. They want to be in the limelight regardless of the circumstances.
They’re unpredictable
They will keep you uncertain about what they will do next. They may swing between telling you how great you are and sulking because you don’t do what they want. The goal is to keep you guessing and focused on them.
They lie
Controlling people want to control your reality. Truth is the bedrock of reality. They will try to deny your reality by lying about their behavior or yours. They may insist you’re the crazy one when you try to contradict them.
They want to be in charge of finances
If you’re married or living with a controlling person, they probably want to handle all of the money. They may claim that they’re better at it than you are or that you spend too much. They want to control access to money as a way of controlling what you do.
They dictate where you can go
One of the most intrusive ways someone may try to control you is by controlling your movements. They may want to know where you are all the time. Whether it’s by threats, intimidation, or pouting, they try to isolate you from other, supportive people in your life.
What Is Coercive Control?
It’s a pattern of abusive controlling behavior that can turn violent.
Another name for it is intimate terrorism.
Coercive control is when someone -- usually an intimate partner like a date or a current or former spouse -- tries to dominate your life. They may intimidate you, keep you isolated, threaten you with violence, or terrorize you with actual violence.
The controlling person might limit your freedom and independence by:
- Keeping you away from family, friends, and other supportive people -- or making you feel guilty when you spend time with loved ones
- Putting financial, social, and emotional barriers in your way that make it hard to get out of the relationship
- Making you fear for your safety, or the safety of loved ones or other people you know
They might also:
- Deprive you of sleep and other basic needs
- Stalk you and keep a close eye on where you go, who you see, and who you talk with
- Question you a lot
- Embarrass you
- Gaslight you, or make you question your own beliefs
Coercive control can fill you with fear even if your partner isn’t physically violent with you -- and the terror and trauma could last after your relationship ends.
Causes of Controlling Behavior
Several things can drive controlling behavior.
The most common are anxiety disorders and personality disorders. People with anxiety disorders feel a need to control everything around them in order to feel at peace. They may not trust anyone else to handle things the way they will.
Controlling behaviors can also be a symptom of several personality disorders, such as histrionic p ersonality, borderline personality, and narcissistic personality. These disorders can only be diagnosed by a licensed health care professional.
Dealing With Mild Controlling Behavior
Sometimes controlling behavior is simply an annoying trait, but it may cross the line into abusive behavior. Once you determine the severity of the behavior, you can decide how to handle it.
If the controlling behavior is mild, it can help to discuss it with the offender. You can tell them how their behavior makes you feel, using “I” statements to avoid sounding like you're blaming them.
A sentence that begins with, “I feel,” will likely be better received than one that starts with, “You always.” You will probably also need to set clear boundaries to see a change.
If your partner is isolating you from family and friends and using different tactics to wear you down so that it’s easier to give in than to argue with them, you may be in an abusive relationship. If this is the case, the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends creating a safety plan to improve your situation while maintaining your safety.
Signs of Danger and How to Get Help
You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner isolates you from family and friends and uses different tactics to wear you down, so that it’s easier to give in than to argue with them.
Relationship violence can begin slowly, and it can be hard to spot. It can include physical or sexual violence, threats of either, emotional abuse, and stalking.
Some signs your relationship might become violent are:
- Your partner makes you feel afraid or disrespected
- Blames you for things that aren’t your fault, including how they treat you
- Forces you to do things you don’t want to do
- Keeps doing hurtful things to you after they’ve promised to change their ways
If someone forces or pressures you to be sexual with them when you don’t want to, that’s sexual violence.
Even if you’re not sure whether you’re in a violent controlling relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). You can also chat online with someone who’s trained to help. The hotline and the chat are free, available around the clock, and you don’t have to share your name.
You can also set up a safety plan that helps you lower your chances of being hurt by your partner. To do this, you’ll answer some questions about yourself and your life. You can do it alone or ask a loved one or someone else you trust to help. The plan includes info about you and your life that could make you safer at home and other places you go each day.
If you’re in danger now, call 911 right away.
5 Causes of Controlling Behavior
The desire for control may be rooted in a fear of uncertainty. Sometimes, it can also be related to a mental health condition.
Being in control of your life sounds like a positive thing, and in most cases, it can be.
But for some people, the need to control everything can become all-consuming.
If you feel the need to control all things and events around you, you may consider yourself a perfectionist, holding yourself (and others) to very high standards.
Perhaps you tend to have trouble coping when things don’t go to plan or change unexpectedly. You may even find yourself mentally going over the same situations as you seek to regain a sense of control.
Like most aspects of mental health, controlling behaviors exist on a spectrum — most people experience them to some degree.
But a persistent need to control every situation can take a toll on your relationships and mental health. And as you work on managing that need for control, it can be helpful to know where the tendency comes from.
A persistent desire or need for control may be linked to difficulty accepting uncertainty. By trying to exert control over every aspect of a situation, you may be trying to create a sense of security and predictability.
This need to feel safe and in control can, in turn, result from:
1. Traumatic events
A history of trauma can have a great impact on many aspects of your life. It could also result in a deep need for control.
A traumatic event is loosely defined as any incident that causes significant physical, emotional, or psychological pain to a person.
When you live with trauma, you may get stuck in cognitive distortions like catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is when you tend to assume the worst in any given scenario.
You could also be hypervigilant, which can make uncertainty very unsettling. Hypervigilance is a state of increased alertness where you may continually scan your environment expecting danger.
By trying to control everything, you could start unconsciously trying to protect yourself from experiencing trauma again.
This is a natural and adaptive response. In fact, research from 2018 suggests that a feeling of control over outcomes can mitigate the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Still, excessive control could overwhelm a person’s resources and impact quality of life.
2. Childhood experiences
The environment you grew up in can affect how you see the world.
For example, growing up in a family with unstable dynamics, where it was difficult to predict what would happen next, may lead to controlling behaviors as a coping mechanism.
Living with guardians who had alcohol or substance use disorder can also affect your relationships and behaviors as an adult. Children in this environment often have to face unpredictable situations. As adults, they may feel an intense need to control everything.
Growing up with emotionally unavailable caregivers could also result in a need to control your interactions with other people in an attempt to get reassurance and validation. For example, anxious attachment styles are related to both unpredictable primary caregivers and a tendency to be controlling in relationships.
3. Anxiety disorders and OCD
Research in 2020 suggests that people who live with anxiety disorders often find uncertainty hard to tolerate.
Uncertainty may mean there’s more room for intense worry and rumination. People may self-soothe by trying to control as many outcomes as they can to reduce this worry.
A need for control may manifest differently, depending on the type of anxiety disorder you live with.
For example, if you have social anxiety disorder, you may feel the need to plan out all the details of social interactions. Last-minute changes to these plans may make you feel extremely upset.
With generalized anxiety disorder, you may anticipate possible triggers, which could also result in controlling behaviors.
People with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) may also have a strong need to control everything in an attempt to reduce anxiety and fears.
Folks with OCD can constantly face intrusive and irrational thoughts that lead them to engage in specific actions, called compulsions, in order to soothe the anxiety those thoughts cause. These compulsions often go hand in hand with a need for control.
4. Personality disorders
An excessive need for control can sometimes be a symptom of certain personality disorders.
People with borderline personality disorder (BPD), for example, may feel intense fears of abandonment. This fear could lead you to want to control your interactions and romantic partners in an effort to stop them from leaving you.
Some people living with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may also engage in controlling behaviors, like using manipulation tactics to direct situations in their favor.
5. Learned behaviors
Sometimes, feeling a need to control things can be unrelated to a condition. It’s possible to have a tendency toward controlling behaviors if this is something you constantly witnessed and experienced when you were younger.
For example, having a parent who micromanaged you or monitored everything you ate or did may lead you to repeat these patterns as an adult.
Perhaps you find reassurance in repeating these behaviors, or maybe you assume this is how things need to be managed at home.
You could also associate control in certain situations with caring for others.
If you feel your need for control is affecting your relationships, self-image, and other aspects of your life, you may want to reach out to a mental health professional.
Psychotherapy can be a useful tool to help you gain perspective on your thought patterns and what may be causing your fear of uncertainty or need for control.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically, can be especially helpful for teaching you to develop strategies to manage your need for control.
A therapist can also work with you to explore the root cause behind why you need to control things — whether it’s based on a mental health condition or defense mechanism.
Uncertainty is a part of life, but it may be harder to manage for some people. This difficulty could lead to an intense need to control everything around you.
Everyone’s experiences are unique, but there are some reasons you might be more likely to want to control things, like:
- living with trauma
- modeling learned behaviors
- having an anxiety disorder
Needing control can also be a natural response to the stresses of life.
It’s how you’ve learned to cope with things that overwhelm or upset you. And this is valid, but avoiding things can also hurt you in the long run.
In every case, overcoming your need to control is possible. Just by identifying this tendency in yourself, you’ve already taken a major step toward change.
2.2. Need for control
This need is defined as the need to create and maintain satisfactory relationships with people relying on control and power.
Satisfying relationships include psychologically acceptable relationship with people in two directions:
1) from the individual to other people in range from “always in control other people's behavior" up to “never controls behavior others”;
2) from other people to an individual - in the range from “always in control” to “never not in control." nine0003
On an emotional level, this need defined as the desire to create and maintain a sense of mutual respect, based on competence and responsibility.
This feeling includes:
1) sufficient respect for others;
2) getting enough respect from side of other people.
At the level of self-understanding, this the need manifests itself in the need feel competent and responsible person.
Need driven behavior control refers to the process of making decisions by people, and also affects areas of power, influence and authority. The need for control varies continuum from the desire for power, authority and control over others (and, moreover, over someone's future) before the need to be controlled, e. to be exempt from liability. There are no hard links between dominance behavior over others, and behavior directed on subordination to others in one person. Two people who dominate others may differ in how they allow others to control them. For example, a commanding sergeant might obey your lieutenant's orders having fun while bully .can constantly contradict his parents. Behavior in this area in addition to direct forms, it also has indirect ones, especially among educated and polite people.
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The difference between control behavior and behavior inclusion is that suggests fame. “Power out throne” is a perfect example of high level of need for control and low inclusion level. "Wit" - bright an example of the great need for inclusion and small - in control. Behavior control is different from behavior affect by the fact that it deals more with power relationships than with emotional proximity.
In the parent-child relationship there can be two extremes: from strongly limited, regulated behavior (the parent has full control child and makes all decisions for him) to complete freedom (parent allows, so that the child decides everything on his own). In both cases, the child feels fear that he will not be able to cope with the situation at a critical moment. Ideal parent relationship and the child reduce this fear, nonetheless, too strong or too weak control leads to the formation defensive behaviour. Child trying to overcome fear or dominance over others and, moreover, obey the rules, or reject controlling other people or their self control.
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CHAPTER 7 RELEASE FROM THE FOUR BASIC NEEDS. The Sedona Method [Get rid of emotional problems and live the life you always dreamed of]
CHAPTER 7 EXEMPTION FROM THE FOUR BASIC NEEDS
Lester Levenson devoted a lot of time to reviewing his past and freeing himself from internal motives. He found that once people start clearing their past along the four basic needs, the heavy burden they have to carry becomes easy to throw off and never comes back. nine0003
In this chapter, we will study the four basic needs in more detail and deal with written release. It is interesting to note that each need includes an oppositely directed force. Therefore, desire not only causes a feeling of need or lack, we also experience various conflicts between the need to control and obey, the need for approval and blame, the need for safety and danger, the need for companionship and loneliness. Depending on our individual personality, these needs are present in us in different percentages.
Moreover, every situation to some extent triggers the action of these opposing forces in our minds. nine0003
So is it any wonder that most of us get stuck somewhere in between? We are like the Push-Pull from Aibolit, an animal that resembles a llama, only with two heads facing in opposite directions. Due to conflicting needs, most people take three steps forward and two steps back towards their goal.
If the release in this chapter confuses you at first, allow yourself to gently sink into it. I strongly recommend that you work harder on the basic needs and get used to them, and only then move on to their opposites. nine0003
Of course, if you become aware of opposites in the process, let them go. Just let them open up. You can relax because this process is whole and one. When we release this or that desire, at the same time we release its opposite.
The need for control
When we want to control, it seems to us that we are deprived of the possibility of control.
Perhaps it will be easier to recognize the need for control if you understand that this is not a feeling, although it is accompanied by strong feelings. It seems to you: "Everything should be my way." When we want to control, we feel that we have lost control and must take some action to regain it. Synonyms for the need for control are resistance and the desire to change the situation, as well as the desire to understand, manipulate, insist, force, do things one's own way, be right, be on top. Once we let go of the need for control, we gain control. nine0003
“The Sedona Method helped me become more confident, which gave me the strength to take risks and explore myself on a deeper level. I became less responsive to criticism or disapproval. I am calm if they treat me with hostility. Became much more tolerant and less picky. I learned to leave people the right to be themselves, not trying to control them and give instructions. Learned how to solve problems effectively. If in the past I always asked someone else's advice before making a move, now I prefer to make decisions on my own and never regret them.
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Gini Anthony, Seattle, Washington
Remember the serenity prayer quoted at the beginning of chapter five? Once you let go of the need to change or control situations, you will find that you can accept what cannot be changed, change what can be changed, and not worry about things that are beyond your control. There is nothing wrong with taking action to change your business or personal life. However, too many get stuck in their desire to change or control situations that are good and just the way they are, or that cannot be changed, like the past or the weather. Because of our desire to change or control them, we are unable to see that they are good and the way they are. As I mentioned in Chapter 4, it is resistance that causes you to lose motivation and enthusiasm in the midst of a project that you started with enthusiasm and optimism. Resistance is synonymous with the need for control. It hinders personal growth and prevents you from moving forward. It can even get in the way of doing something you love or enjoy doing, like the Sedona Method.
Resistance is like trying to pull away with the brakes on. As I wrote, it comes up every time you feel you have to, you have to, or you have to do something. Freed from resistance, you will direct your life in the right direction. nine0003
Need for submission
An integral part of the need for control is the need for submission. When we are driven by this need, we desperately look for someone to blame or take responsibility for our lives and feelings. We need guidance and tips. We prefer to follow rather than lead.
It is not difficult to recognize the need for submission, because it is inexpressive and lacking initiative, like: "I don't want to make decisions." When we want to obey, we dream of getting rid of control by refusing to take any action without first getting permission. nine0003
Synonyms for the need for submission include resistance and the desire to change (they are on both sides of the control equation), as well as the desire to be confused, manipulated, succumb, obey, blame, be a victim, be last, follow, and that's far not a complete list.
As we let go of the need for submission, we gain the desire to control our own lives.
In the process of release, when you work with the need for control, pay attention to the presence of its opposite, at least periodically. Even the most powerful and purposeful of us have the opposite desire, hidden in the depths of our souls. nine0003
Written Release: The Need for Control
This is a two-part process to help you release your need for control. He is very simple. Divide the page in your release journal into two columns. This can also be done on a computer. Label the first column "A specific situation in which I craved control" and the second column "What is my need for this situation NOW, NOW?"
In the first column, write down every situation you can think of when you needed to control. In the second column, write down your needs in the NOW (for example, the need for approval, control, or security). nine0003
“P/o” means the need for approval, “s/c” the need for control, and “p/b” the need for security.
When you are completely free from the need, put a tick next to it or cross it out. Repeat these steps and let go of your needs in the PRESENT MOMENT, NOW, until you feel completely released from the episode. Don't forget to let go of positive feelings as well, in order to move to higher energy levels.
When you feel ready to move on, divide the blank page into two columns again. Title the first one “How I Try to Control” and the second one “How I Try to Obey.” nine0003
Now list all the ways in which you try to take control (in business, personal relationships, etc.). Going from point to point, identify your desire in the PRESENT MOMENT, NOW, mark whether it relates to the need for approval, control or security, and completely release it. Freed from the need, check the box next to the abbreviation or cross it out.
Next, list all the ways in which you try to obey (in business, personal relationships, etc.). Going from point to point, identify your desire in the PRESENT MOMENT, NOW, mark whether it relates to the need for approval, control or security, and completely release it.
When you are free, check the box next to the abbreviation or cross it out. nine0003
Do not forget, around her, that there is nothing reprehensible in your actions, even if you are driven by the need for control. This process simply helps to become aware of what actions are motivated by the desire to control, which helps to instantly release it. After that, you are free to choose whether to take action or not.
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Release from the need for control
Sit back and focus. If you find yourself stuck somewhere in your mind, check to see if it's because of the need to control. nine0003
Could you accept the need for control?
Could you let go of this need?
Do you have a physical feeling right now that you want to control or change the situation?
Could you let go of the desire to change the situation?
Now find something in your life that you would like to control.
Could you let go of the desire to change the situation?
Find something else you would like to control.
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Could you let go of wanting to change that too?
Repeat the last questions for as long as necessary, then move on.
Now think of a situation from the past that you would like to control. Once again accept the desire to control.
Could you let him go now?
Focusing on this and any other situation from the past, allow yourself to see how the need for control has affected your life, what feelings it has caused in you, what actions it has forced you to take. Is there a recurring theme in your life related to control? nine0003
Could you accept this trend or any other action that comes from the need for control?
Check if you have a desire to control the need for control.
Could you let go of the need for control or make a difference?
Now allow the need for control to unfold as fully as possible - if necessary, stimulate it by remembering a specific event - and then dive into its very depths.
Could you descend into its very depths? nine0003
Even deeper?
And even deeper?
Try to notice where the desire to control originates.
If you haven't let go of this desire yet, could you let it go now?
Focus on the feelings you are experiencing NOW. Notice the changes in consciousness that have come about as a result of releasing the need for control. Imagine what your life would be like if you always had control and felt at ease and comfortable, and there was nothing that you would like to change. Everything would be perfect just the way it is. nine0003
If you were aware of the need to control, would you be able to let it go?
Allow yourself to linger in this moment and feel free and light.
Need for approval/love
When we need approval, we feel like we don't get it. So we try to get approval by any means, at the same time, preventing ourselves from getting it. We are self-centered, timid and shy. We are overly concerned with the opinions of others, we often say “yes”, although we say “no” to ourselves. We allow others to push us around or tell us what to do, just out of a desire to please them.
We take on too much responsibility or take on too many responsibilities because we believe that this will help us become more popular. nine0003
The need for approval is easy to recognize and is characterized by softness, vulnerability, such as "Do it for me" or "Give it to me." When we crave approval, we feel like we lack love and we must do something to get it. Synonyms for the need for approval include: the desire for love, recognition, admiration, care, to be seen, to be understood, to be loved. By letting go of the need for approval, we will let more love and tenderness into our lives, we will be loved and recognized. nine0003
The need for approval includes two opposing forces, and each feeling causes different sensations - the need for blame and the need for love. These forces are described below.
Need for blame
When we feel the need for blame, we feel like we don't need approval. And we behave in a way that avoids approval. As with the need for approval, we are self-centered, timid, and shy.
We are overly concerned with the opinions of others, although we pretend that we are deeply indifferent to it. We often say “no” when we can just as easily say “yes.” Pushing others around to make sure they dislike us. We avoid responsibility and leave many important things unfinished. We do our best to be unpopular. nine0003
This need is easily recognized by its characteristic "leave-me-alone" attitude. When we feel the need for censure, it seems to us that we do not need love, so we try our best to make sure that we do not receive it. The need for blame has many synonyms: the desire to be rejected, unpopular, unloved, despised, hiding, being alone, being misunderstood, just to name a few. As we let go of the need for blame, we gain the ability to be loved and accepted, to love and accept others. nine0003
The need to love
When we want to love, we feel that we cannot give enough. And we take actions designed to help love, at the same time, preventing ourselves from experiencing love.
We focus on others and forget about ourselves. Overly concerned with the feelings of others. As with the need for approval, we say yes when we mean no. We let others push us around or tell us what to do just to make them feel better. We take on too many responsibilities and responsibilities because we think it's better for others. nine0003
The need to love can be recognized by its softness, vulnerability, and let-me-do-it-for-you attitude. When we want to love, we feel like we can't give enough love or approval, so we try to make others understand how much we care. The need to love has many synonyms: the desire to approve, accept, admire, care for, protect, sacrifice, care for, please, and many others. Letting go of the need to love, we feel inner wholeness and completeness, we are able to love and care for others without losing ourselves. nine0003
Written release: need for approval/love
This two-part process is designed to help release the need for approval. The layout is similar to releasing from the need for control: divide the blank page of the release log into two columns.
Label the first column "A specific situation in which I craved approval" and the second column "What is my need for this situation NOW?" And of course, as before, you can specify the needs in an abbreviated form. nine0003
In the first column, list situations in which you have sought approval for as long as you can remember. In the second column, indicate your attitude to this situation at the PRESENT MOMENT (it can be abbreviated). After you completely get rid of this need, check the box next to the abbreviation or cross it out. Repeat these steps and keep letting go of the REAL need until you feel completely free of the situation. As always, do not forget to let go of positive emotions in order to move to a higher energy level. nine0003
When you're ready for the next step, open a blank sheet of your journal and start the second part of the process. Divide the page into two columns: "Ways to Seek Approval" and "Ways to Seek Blame."
In the first column, list all the ways in which you are trying to get approval (in business, personal relationships, etc.
). As you go from point to point, identify your desire in the NOW, mark whether it relates to a need for approval, control, or security, and release it completely. Completely freed from the need, check the box next to the abbreviation or cross it out and proceed to the next step. nine0003
Next, list all the ways in which you seek blame. As you go from point to point, identify your desire in the NOW, mark whether it relates to a need for approval, control, or security, and release it completely. Freed from the need, check the box next to the abbreviation or cross it out.
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The process of releasing the need for approval
Sit back and focus. Resurrect any moment when you craved approval. nine0003
Could you accept the need for approval?
Could you let her go?
Recall a time in the past when you felt someone disapproved of you, treated you with dislike, or didn't show you the respect you thought you deserved.
Would you accept this need for approval?
Could you let her go?
Now think of a person with whom you have a business or personal relationship, whose approval you are constantly trying to win.
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Would you allow yourself, even for a moment, to desire his approval?
Can you let go of this desire?
Repeat the last questions, remembering as much as you like.
Now remember the episodes when you wanted to get approval from yourself. You may have been critical of something you did or didn't do. Maybe you did not achieve the results you dreamed of and took it to heart.
Could you now accept the desire for your own approval? nine0003
Could you let her go now?
Repeat for as many episodes as you think is sufficient.
But the exploration of the need for approval didn't stop there. It is usually a well-established model. So, what are the most frequent feelings, thoughts, and behaviors related to the need for approval in your life? Maybe "It's not my fault" or "They don't care." You may feel vulnerable, resentful, defenseless, or ashamed. You can do certain things to get attention, make insincere compliments, provide favors, say yes when you really want to say no.
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Don't hide any of these approval needs from yourself.
Will you allow this need for approval to be here?
Could you let her go now?
Repeat these steps several times, freeing yourself from the emerging images.
Accept the need for approval in the very back of your mind.
Will you allow yourself to dive into the very depths of this need?
Even deeper?
And even deeper?
Go down to the very depths where this need arises and let it disappear. nine0003
Now imagine what your life will be like when you let go of your need for approval. You will be self-confident, strong and will not doubt that others are not indifferent. Whether they approve of you or not, you're fine.
By the way, this is more than a real possibility. When you free yourself from the need for approval, those around you will miraculously begin to treat you much more approvingly than they do now.
Need for security/survival
When we want security, we feel like we don't have it. We treat life as if we are in a continuous struggle for survival. Any person for us, at least on a subconscious level, is an enemy. We react to any, even small, decisions or problems as if our lives depend on them. We try to avoid risk, even if it means giving up on success. We try to avoid confrontation, even if it is necessary. We live in constant anticipation of the next catastrophe. nine0003
You can recognize the need for security through a sense of impending danger, impending disaster, anxiety and a state of alert. In extreme cases, this is a paralyzing fear - we feel as if we are in danger of death. We are ready to go to any lengths to bring back the feeling of safety and security. The synonyms of the need for security include the desire for reliability, stability, the desire to survive, take what is yours, protect yourself and others, attack, kill, defend, and this is not all. Freed from the need for security, we feel calm, confident and comfortable wherever we are, without feeling that we must seek security at the expense of others.
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Desire for death
An inherent force opposite to the need for security is the desire for death. When we want to die, it seems to us that life is too heavy a burden for us. We are afraid to live, and therefore we want to end our life as soon as possible. Life is like a minefield for us. Our worst enemies are ourselves. As with the need for security, we respond to even minor difficulties and problems as if our lives depended on them. However, unlike the need for security, we seek confrontation and risk, secretly hoping for the worst. We are in constant expectation of a catastrophe, in our hearts hoping that the worst will happen. nine0003
The desire for death is often difficult to distinguish from the desire for safety. It also includes a sense of threat, an impending catastrophe or disaster, restlessness, anxiety, a state of constant combat readiness. You can also recognize it by a sense of hopelessness and a decadent mood, as if the end is already near. At the extreme, it is either a paralyzing fear or a paralyzing apathy - it seems that we will die soon, but we do not care.
When we want to die, we believe that we do not need security, and we can do things to prove that we are not protected from danger. nine0003
Synonyms for the desire for death are the desire for danger, the desire to end it all, endanger yourself and others, be attacked, be defenseless, be killed, die, and many others. As we let go of the desire for death, we feel comfortable, calm, and at ease. We want to live and enjoy life without worrying about the consequences.
Letter Release: The Need for Security
This two-part process is designed to help release the need for security. As with the exemption from control and approval needs, divide the blank sheet of the exemption journal into two columns. Label the first column "A specific situation in which I needed security" and the second column "What is my need for this situation NOW?" nine0003
In the first column, list as many situations in which you wanted safety as you can remember. In the second column, indicate your need in relation to the situation NOW (for example, the need for approval, control or security), in short form.
When you are completely free from this need, check the box next to the abbreviation or cross it out. Repeat these steps and keep letting go of the REAL need until you feel completely free of the situation. Don't forget to let go of positive emotions as well, in order to move to a higher energy level. nine0003
When you're ready to move on, divide the blank page into two columns again. This is the second part of the process. Label the first column "Methods of finding security" and the second column "Methods in which I breach security."
List all the ways in which you try to keep yourself safe (in business, in personal relationships, etc.). As you go from point to point, identify your desire in the NOW, mark whether it relates to a need for approval, control, or security, and release it completely. When you are free, either check the box next to the abbreviation, or cross it out. Then move on to the next step. nine0003
Make a list of all the ways you violate your security.
As you go from point to point, identify your desire in the NOW, mark whether it relates to a need for approval, control, or security, and release it completely. When you are free, either check the box next to the abbreviation, or cross it out.
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The process of releasing the need for security
Begin with inner concentration. Let your body relax. Tune in to the feeling you are experiencing right now. nine0003
Would you accept the REAL feeling and agree that it is acceptable?
And now remember the situation when it seemed that you were in danger, the moment when you were possessed by the need for security.
Could you accept the need for security?
Could you let her go?
Now focus on the situation when you felt in serious danger. Could you accept this need for security?
Could you let her go now?
Repeat these steps for as long as you like, then move on.
Allow yourself to fully experience the need for security without forcing it.
Gently and unobtrusively push it if necessary, remembering that all needs are just energy. They are neither "bad" nor "good". They just are.
Will you allow yourself to be released from the need for security?
And once again let the need for security into your consciousness. nine0003
Could you let her go?
Repeat these steps several times and notice how things that used to scare you become less and less threatening.
Remember, needs are the programs by which we manage our lives. Therefore, we tend to have repetitive thoughts, feelings, and patterns of behavior. When we need security, we think, “This is not good. Something bad must happen” or “This is hardly the right move. It seems like a big mistake." You are afraid and feel like you have lost control. You are having panic attacks. nine0003
Sometimes during an important meeting or in a critical situation you become numb and lose the ability to think and make decisions.
You tend to over-plan, over-vigilance, the desire to fight even when there is nothing to fight for, and other ways to maintain the status quo.
Remember what you do when you feel the need for security: replay the same thought, perform the same action, or experience the same feeling. Would you be able to fully bring it into your consciousness? nine0003
Could you let go of the need for security from which this trend is born?
Repeat this step four or five times, letting go of any images that come to mind.
Will you allow the need for security to reappear?
Could you go to the very depths of this need?
Could you go even deeper?
Even deeper?
And more?
If the need for security remains at the moment, could you just let it go? nine0003
Notice how much more confident you feel after being released. Imagine what your life will be like when you feel confident, calm and secure.
Immerse yourself for a while in the inner security that has just been opened.
Need for independence
When we need security, we feel that we don't want to be a part of something, or that we should preserve our own identity.-1523899899.jpg)
And we act in such a way as to preserve our independence. We constantly emphasize our uniqueness, individuality, intentionally separate ourselves from everyone and everything. We strive to prove that we are different, better, special. We constantly demand from the outside world: "Leave me alone." nine0003
In most cases, the need for independence is dominant, but it is almost indistinguishable; and despite the fact that it dictates our every word, deed or thought, it is as difficult to distinguish as the air.
The need for independence may be pronounced or subtle. It manifests itself in full measure, it is characterized by rejection and denial. Many believe that independence represents our primordial essence. When we crave independence, we are torn in two directions: we strive to break away from everyone and everything, or to stand out from the crowd. nine0003
We don't want to be ordinary, average, like everyone else.
Synonyms for the need for independence include: the desire to be alone, to reject, to stand out, to be special, to reject, to separate, to break away, etc.
By letting go of the need for independence, we gain unity and cohesion without losing our own uniqueness.
Striving for Unity
When we strive for unity, we want to become a part of something, dissolve our own personality and merge with others - or with the whole world around us. This desire often drives people on the path of spiritual knowledge. We are in a constant search for harmonious unity, ignoring the unity that lies in the depths and is inherent in us from the very beginning. nine0003
As with the need for independence, the desire for unity is so important that it dictates our every word, thought or action. But as long as we feel the need for unity, we always - to a greater or lesser extent - feel alone and isolated and strive to get rid of loneliness and isolation.
Often we fill our lives with outward manifestations of solidarity in order to hide or drown out the feeling of loneliness.
The need for independence may be intense or subtle. You are overcome by an acute lingering desire to become a part of something.
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Synonyms include the desire to unite, accept, be equal, be like, attach, become part of, enter. By letting go of the desire for unity, we gain the ability to feel more strongly the unity that is present here and now, without trying to get it from external sources.
Letter Release: The Need for Independence
This two-part process is designed to help you release your need for independence. As before, divide the blank sheet of the release journal into two columns. Title the first one "A specific situation in which I yearned for independence" and the second one "What is my need for this situation NOW?" nine0003
In the first column, list all the situations in which you yearned for independence for as long as you can remember. In the second column, indicate your need for this situation NOW, NOW (for example, the need for approval, control or security), in an abbreviated form.
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When you are completely free from this need, put a tick next to the abbreviation or cross it out.
Repeat these steps and keep letting go of the REAL, REAL need until you feel completely free of the situation. Do not forget, as before, to get rid of positive emotions in order to move to a higher energy level. nine0003
When you're ready to move on, divide the blank page into two columns again. This is the second part of the process. Label the first "Ways to Seek Independence" and the second "Ways to Seek Unity."
Make a list of all the ways you are trying to gain independence (in business, personal relationships, etc.). Going from point to point, identify your desire NOW, in the PRESENT MOMENT, mark whether it relates to the need for approval, control or security, and completely release it. nine0003
When you are free from the need, either check the box next to the abbreviation or cross it out. Then move on to the next step.
Make a list of all the ways you seek unity. Going from point to point, identify your desire in the PRESENT MOMENT, NOW, mark whether it relates to the need for approval, control or security, and completely release it.
When finished, either put a tick next to it or cross it out. nine0003
The process of releasing the need for independence
Sit back and focus inward. Just let yourself be.
Would you accept the REAL feeling and agree that it is acceptable?
Recall a situation in which you either felt alone or wanted to push others away, a moment when you were dominated by the need for independence or unity.
Do you accept this need for independence or the desire for unity? nine0003
Could you let go of this feeling?
Now focus on the same or another situation when you were possessed by the desire to “leave-me-alone” or the desire for solitude or togetherness. Could you accept the need for independence or unity?
Could you let her go now?
Repeat the steps as many times as necessary, then proceed to the next step.
And now, right now, allow yourself to fully experience the need for independence or unity without forcing it. If necessary, push it, remembering that all needs are just energy.
They are neither "bad" nor "good"; they just are. nine0003
Could you release the need for independence or unity?
And again let into your consciousness the need for independence or unity.
Could you let her go?
Repeat this step several times, noticing how everything that used to separate you now seems less and less important.
Remember, needs are programs that help us manage our lives. Therefore, we tend to have similar thoughts, feelings, and patterns of behavior. When you yearn for independence, you think, “I am very special”; if you strive for unity, you are possessed by self-pity: “I am completely alone, cut off from everything that is dear and important to me.” You feel lonely, rejected, deprived, unsatisfied and useless. nine0003
And when it seems to you that you feel the need for independence or unity, consider whether this is a constantly repeated thought, feeling or action or not. Could you sincerely let it into your consciousness?
Could you let go of the need for independence or the desire for unity from which this tendency is born?
Repeat this step several times, letting go of any images that come to mind.
Will the need for independence or unity reappear? nine0003
Could you go to the very depths of this need?
Could you go even deeper?
Even deeper?
And more?
If the need for security still remains, could you just let it go?
Notice how much more comfortable you feel after being released. Imagine what your life will be like when you can merge with the natural flow of everything that exists, you will know that everything is fine and goes the way it should go. nine0003
Enjoy the unity you have just found.
Tree of Limits
Imagine that you are lost in a thick forest of imaginary limits. What do these trees look like? At their deepest level, they are made up of atoms, which in our world we call "thoughts." Let's go higher. The leaves on the imaginary tree represent your personal feelings. The branches are the nine emotional states. The trunk and roots represent the need for approval and control, as well as their opposites.
The main root, which goes deep into the earth, represents the need for security and its opposite. And finally, the soil is the need for independence and its opposite, the desire for unity. nine0003
If we want to cut down these imaginary constraint trees and clear a path through the imaginary forest, we can do a few things. For example, letting go one atom at a time as you work to change your mindset. But this will take a lot of time. We can be more active and tear off individual leaves (feelings). But the leaves tend to grow back quickly. We can cut the branches (nine emotional states).
However, if you have ever cut the branches of a real tree, you probably know that after that the branches grow even stronger and stronger. Visible results can be achieved only by starting to cut the trunk and lateral roots (the need for approval and control). Of course, many trees grow back from their stumps, even after some of their roots have been cut off. nine0003
There is no guarantee that we will be able to cut down this imaginary tree until we remove its main root: the need for security and its opposite, the desire for death.
