Stalking a narcissist

Stalking - Victim Connect Resource Center


Stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. Unlike other crimes that involve a single incident, stalking is a pattern of behavior. It is often made up of individual acts that could, by themselves, seem harmless or noncriminal, but when taken in the context of a stalking situation, could constitute criminal acts. Legal definitions of stalking differ depending on where you live; however stalking is a crime under the laws of all 50 states, the District of Columbia, the U.S. Territories, and the Federal government. Stalking is serious, often violent, and can escalate over time.

What is Stalking?

While this list isn’t exhaustive, you may be a victim of stalking if someone:

  • Repeatedly calls your phone, including hang-ups
  • Follows you and shows up wherever you are
  • Sends unwanted gifts, letters, texts, or emails
  • Damages your home, car, or other property
  • Monitors your phone calls or computer use, possibly through spyware
  • Uses technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go
  • Drives by or lingers near your home, school, or work
  • Threatens to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets
  • Performs other actions that control, track, or frighten you
  • Uses other people to try to communicate with you, like children, family, or friends

If you have been stalked, you may:

  • Be fearful of what the stalker is capable of doing
  • Feel vulnerable, unsafe, or not know who to trust
  • Feel depressed, hopeless, angry, anxious, irritable, on-edge, and hypervigilant
  • Have flashbacks, disturbing thoughts, feelings, or memories
  • Feel confused, frustrated, or isolated because other people don’t understand why you are afraid
  • Miss work or school for fear of seeing your stalker
  • Change your normal or preferred social media habits

What can I do?

While there is no universal set of steps that will work for everyone, these actions may help you feel in control of your life again:

  • Call 911 for Immediate Assistance – You know yourself and your situation better than anyone. Trust your instincts and call for help if you feel you are in danger.
  • Alert Others – Tell trusted friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and/or your HR department to keep an eye out for suspicious activity and so they don’t mistakenly give out information to someone pretending to be a loved one.
  • Connect with an Advocate – Advocates can often be found at local domestic violence and/or sexual assault agencies, police departments, and district attorney’s offices. Advocates can help explain local stalking laws, walk you through filing a protective order, connect you with local services, and help you develop a safety plan.
  • Document Every Incident – Make a log of encounters with the stalker, hang-up calls, and public sightings. Save all messages, emails, and your call history. Consider using this incident and behavior log form from the Stalking Prevention, Awareness, & Resource Center (SPARC).
  • End All Contact – Sometimes this is easier said than done, but try not to answer calls or messages, even if you are requesting that the stalker stop. Any contact may encourage the stalker to continue the stalking behavior.
  • Take Threats Seriously –A direct threat against you is an obvious sign of danger. A stalker can also use threats of suicide or self-harm to manipulate you into staying in contact or a dangerous situation.
  • Create a Safety Plan – Develop a personalized plan to keep yourself safe. Find help doing this here or connect with an advocate for assistance.
  • Prepare Your Children – Teach your children what to do if there is an emergency, like where to hide if there is danger in the house, or how to call the police or a trusted person for help.

Learn more

The Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center (SPARC) offers a variety of information related to stalking, including information on stalking, safety planning, and other resources.

Technology Safety & Privacy: A Toolkit for Survivors from the National Network to End Domestic Violence contains safety tips, information, and privacy strategies for survivors when using technology.

Visit our VictimConnect Resource Map for additional resources or contact the VictimConnect Resource Center by phone or text at 1-855-4-VICTIM or by chat for more information or assistance in locating services that can help you or a loved one after experiencing stalking.

Why the Narcissist Keeps Stalking You | by Cherilyn Christen Clough

Even After You’ve Gone No Contact

Photo by Anton Malanin on Unsplash

Tori was tired of being followed by Sean. She tried to tell him she was married, but he kept showing up when she went out for coffee with a friend. He mysteriously appeared in the produce aisle when she went grocery shopping. And then there were the phone calls that she refuses to answer, but even though she refused verbal contact with him, she felt unnerved every time she saw him. She knew his showing up at the same place that she was over and over was not a coincidence.

Tori didn’t know if her ex would ever do something violent to her, but her gut instinct said she wasn’t safe. She’s hired a security system for her house, told the neighbors, and bought a large dog. Outside of hiring a full-time bodyguard, Tori felt she had done everything she could, and yet Sean still should up outside her workplace. She kept asking herself. “Why? Why? Why?”

The truth is that Tori did nothing to attract this unwanted behavior. She made it clear that she was happily married and wanted to move on with her life, but he refused to take no for an answer.

Tori isn’t alone. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, one in six women (1,006,970 women and 370,000 men) are stalked annually in the United States.

According to the Supplemental Victimization Survey (SVS), individuals are classified as stalking victims if they experienced at least one of these behaviors on at least two separate occasions. In addition, the individuals must have feared for their safety or that of a family member as a result of the course of conduct, or have experienced additional threatening behaviors that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

The SVS measured stalking behaviors as:

making unwanted phone calls

sending unsolicited or unwanted letters or e-mails

following or spying on the victim

showing up at places without a legitimate reason

waiting at places for the victim

leaving unwanted items, presents, or flowers

posting information or spreading rumors about the victim on the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth.

-Source: Bureau of Justice Statistics

So why do people continue to follow and torment those who have walked away from them? Stalking often goes hand and hand with narcissistic traits and narcissistic people can be charming and manipulative. Sometimes innocent victims don’t realize what they are getting into when they enter a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath.

Here are a few clues —

An Overinflated Ego

Stalking often starts with an overinflated ego which is often the result of hidden shame. Many narcissistic people hide their shame so deeply that they can’t face anything negative about themselves.

Some people can’t take no for an answer and believe they can buy anyone they want. Others find it painful that someone might not want to be with them. And if they imagine they are a legend in their own mind, they think they can win you back.

The problem with all of these approaches is that the narcissist is ignoring someone else’s feelings. No matter how great they think they are, if they force their will on another, they fail to use the principles of love. This brings us to the number one issue when dealing with a narcissist — they have very messy boundaries.

Very Messy Boundaries

Sometimes we hear people saying that the narcissist has no boundaries. The idea of no boundaries is more a problem for those abused by the narc than the narcissist themself. To have no boundaries means to never stand up for oneself or assert your own will in the relationship. If someone does this very long they will lose themself.

A narcissist, on the other hand, has boundaries but they are just very messy and spill over into other people’s boundaries. Remember according to the Boundaries guru, Dr. Henry Cloud, boundaries are not so much a fence as a door or gate that allows you to open or close it. This is your gate but the narcissist fails to respect that gate and treats it as if they own it.

The problem between narcissistic people and their targets is that the target might try to shut a door to their life, while the narcissist shoves their foot in the door. Or in some cases, knocks the door down and enters without asking.

This is where the survivor must assert themselves in order to keep the narcissist outside of their life, once they’ve determined that this person is no longer safe inside.

A Desire to Manipulate

Another reason the narcissist won’t take no for an answer when you leave them is that they want to manipulate you for some reason. They know you don’t want to be in a relationship with them, but they still want to irritate you or cause you some sort of trouble. This could be because they want something from you. The best way to deal with this is to figure out what they want. Is it the affection of the child you share? Or their favorite coffee mug that you refuse to give back. Or do they want money? Once you figure out the reason, you might want to give them whatever it takes to get them off your back and this could also require a good lawyer.

It’s important to note that a narcissist can try to manipulate you for no reason all — simply because they are a bully.

An Attempt to Bully

This is by far one of the most commons reasons people are stalked. Sociopathic people get off on seeing others scared, sad, or mad. This is proof that you want to stay as far away from this person as you can get. This type of stalking is dangerous and could become deadly. If you can get a restraining order, do not waste any time. If you can get a bodyguard, go for it. A person who displays sadistic traits is someone that you never want to play with.

To Make a Fauxpology

There is a rare occasion that a narcissist will attempt to apologize for all they have done in the past. You might even get sucked in by this fauxpology, but if they were truly sorry they would respect your boundaries and not be stalking you. Many women have opened the door to the narcissist because in their hearts they hoped he would apologize but they found out later this was just another form of manipulation.

When a narcissist apologizes they always want something from you. How do we know? A true apology is sincere and it’s about restoring what was taken whether it is a physical object or dignity. A true apology is given on your terms, at your convenience, and is not forced onto you. A true apology comes with some sort of compensation or an agreement for the abuse to never happen again. For an apology to be true, the apologist must be an honest person. If you’ve ever caught the narcissist in a lie, then you know for sure this is not a true apology, but a fauxpology.

Stalking Is a Progressive Sport

The narcissist will try various ways to get your attention to get whatever it is they want from you, but the more you shut them out, the more desperate they will become. Stalking is a dangerous situation because left unchecked, it allows the abuse and violence to escalate.

When a narcissist can’t believe you won’t stay in a relationship with them
When the narcissist infringes on your boundaries,
When the narcissist can't manipulate you into giving them what they want
When the narcissist can no longer bully you,
When the narcissist has offered a fauxpology, yet you don’t respond, they will seek revenge.

The Quest for Revenge

A Narc doesn't care about all the crap they’ve done to you. They don't care if you are scared or hurt. Sometimes your painful emotions will even turn them on. They want to make you respond to them and they will do anything to get your attention. This could be kidnapping your pet, or a child or getting you fired from your job. The narcissist will destroy your reputation and steal anything they can get their hands on. Some might even try the ultimate revenge to take your life. Stalking is a dangerous game and when you are hunted, you must take serious action.

A study in the U. K. found

Stalking behaviour has been identified in nine in 10 murders studied by criminologists as part of research examining a link between the two crimes.
-Source: The Guardian

Maintain No Contact

Once your boundaries have been violated, once you realize that you are being manipulated and stalked, the thing you must do is never interact with the narcissist again. It doesn’t matter whether you see them in public or private. It doesn’t matter if they use snail mail with cut-out magazine letters, or call you, or text you, or send a message through a friend.

Talk to your true friends. Make sure they know that you cannot hear from the narcissist ever again and that they can never send any form of message back. Let them know that you have been abused and must protect yourself.

If you are dealing with a narcissistic stalker, the only way to stay safe is to cut them out of your life completely. If you run into them at the store, act like you don't see them. Don’t look their way or whisper to a friend about them. Go to security or find a safe place to hide until they leave. Then call a friend to take you home and stay with you.

This might sound like extreme advice, but I wish my friend Tori had taken this approach. She was too nice. The narcissist stalked her and she opened the door. Her stalker shot her husband and murdered her in their own home. But there is still hope for you. If you are reading this, you are probably safe right now. Please stay that way.

Cherilyn Christen Clough broke the rules when she started writing about her family’s secrets. Some claim she sold her soul to the devil, but she prefers to think of it as gaining freedom. You can read about her strange childhood in Chasing Eden A Memoir.

Toxics, narcissists and gaslighters: simple tricks to counter them


Shahida Arabi has been studying behavior strategies for victims of bullying and abusive behavior for several years. She is the author of several bestselling books on how to stop manipulators, gaslighters, and narcissists from doing what they are so good at. Summer at the publishing house "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber" her book Toxic People is out. Inc. publishes an excerpt.

Pointless arguments and distractions in conversation

Malignant narcissists use many distractions in conversation to unsettle you and drag you into their chaos. These may include the following tactics:

Passing on personalities and undermining reputation. When narcissists cannot logically refute your argument or point of view, they resort to personal attacks: use illogical reasoning, insults, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you if you just disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit and confuse you, divert you from the main problem and make you feel guilty about the fact that you are a living person with thoughts and feelings that are different from their own. Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough, and you are already wondering how you even got involved in this. You just expressed disagreement with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, morality, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement conflicts with his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, threatening his inflated ego and sense of his own superiority. Instead of responding to your arguments, he attacks your personality. nine0005

How to resist becoming personal. By far the best reaction is none, but if for some reason you are forced to respond to the narcissist's attacks, don't fall for his red herrings. Repeat the facts and let him know that personal attacks are not relevant. Stop this conversation if possible. You do not have to explain to an adult how to be a worthy person. Remember: toxic people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, and you are just an accomplice in their long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live to create chaos. By trying to find an argument to refute their ridiculous claims, you are providing narcissistic reinforcement. Don't feed the narcissists - better realize that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of an escalation of the situation, and spend your energy on self-care and self-defense. nine0005

Labeling. As you know, daffodils make an elephant out of a fly in case of any threat to their superiority. In their reality, only they can be right, and anyone who dares to disagree will become the cause of narcissistic rage. According to psychiatrist Mark Goulston, this is not a result of low self-esteem, but a sense of permissiveness and a false sense of superiority. He writes: “In the eyes of the narcissist, the whole world must approve, adore, obey and agree with him. Anything less is perceived as an attack, which, in the opinion of the narcissist, he is entitled to respond with anger. For the most base representatives of this type, rage takes the form of labeling when they fail to influence your opinion or emotions in any other way. They feel entitled to humiliate and call you names. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to humiliate your intelligence, appearance or behavior, while depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion. This tactic can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. Your personal life experience, reasoned point of view, or reasoned opinion suddenly becomes "stupid" or "idiot" in the hands of an aggressive narcissist who feels threatened but can't really object. Narcissists insult your intelligence to cover up their incompetence. Instead of attacking your arguments, the narcissist attacks you in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your intelligence. nine0005

How to resist labeling. It is important to stop any offensive interaction and convey to the opponent that you do not intend to tolerate this. The situation will only get worse. Do not take it personally: understand that a person resorts to insults only because he does not know other, more worthy ways of communication. You can do the following:

- If labeling is frustrating for you, use mindful breathing techniques to calm yourself and focus on the best ways to protect yourself in your circumstances. nine0005

- If a family member or partner uses this tactic against you during a discussion, say firmly that you are not going to tolerate such disrespect and end the conversation safely.

- If this is happening in the context of harassment or harassment by a former partner, save the evidence in case it is needed to file a criminal case.

- If you are labeled in a professional environment, consider whether you can bring this to the attention of your superiors. nine0005

- If you encounter an incident on the Internet, report it to the relevant social network service and block the aggressor. Save screenshots if the person continues the cyberstalking.

Large-scale generalizations. Instead of dealing with real problems, narcissists prefer to make sweeping generalizations if we dare to claim mistreatment. These generalizations include exaggerating your hypersensitivity or sweeping statements like "You're never satisfied" or "You're always overreacting." This tactic can be especially powerful with empathic people, as it uses gaslighting to instill the idea that our hypersensitivity is the problem, not their violence. And while you can be overly sensitive at times, it's much more likely that a destructive person is insensitive and cruel most of the time. nine0005

How to deal with big generalizations. Toxic people who wield superficial statements do not represent the fullness and all the nuances of reality. They express a distorted point of view based on their own self-centered intentions. Stick to the truth and try to resist generalizations, because this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Depending on how receptive you think the person is to feedback, you might say, "You're generalizing. There were many examples of the opposite." However, the more toxic the person, the more likely you are to get bogged down in pointless arguments designed to throw you off balance. Try not to fall into this trap, but stick to the primary statement you are trying to convey and end the conversation if the person stoops to personal attacks. nine0005

Deliberately distorting your point of view to the point of absurdity. If you dare to disagree with a narcissist, your differences of opinion, emotions, and real experiences turn into character flaws and "evidence" of your irrationality and inability to think critically. This common cognitive bias is called "mind reading." Toxic people claim to know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of rationally assessing the situation. These discrepancies may be based on their own illusions and delusions, as well as the need to purposefully unsettle you and divert attention from the problem. Narcissists make up all sorts of tall tales that distort your real words, and as a result, your thoughts look absurd or just monstrous. Instead of acknowledging your emotions, the narcissist distracts you with unimaginable accusations. For example, you point out to a toxic partner that you don't like their way of communicating. In response, he distorts your words: “And you, then, are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. Or he may begin to criticize your character, saying: “So you mean to say that I should not have an opinion. You love to be in control too much!” This gives them the opportunity to revoke your right to think and feel about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries. nine0005

How to respond to such distortions. The best way to draw a clear line is to repeat, if necessary, “I didn’t say that. Don't speak for me." If the person continues to accuse you of things you didn't do or say, end the conversation. Don't let the toxic person shift the blame and divert the conversation away from their own destructive behavior or make you feel ashamed for daring to speak the truth.

If you cannot avoid interacting with someone (for example, at work), briefly and to the point describe what you did or said and end the conversation. nine0005

Change of subject to escape responsibility. I call this maneuver the “And you?” syndrome. It implies a digression from the topic under discussion in order to direct attention to a completely different one. Narcissists don't feel like discussing their personal responsibility, so they divert the conversation to avoid the consequences. Do you complain that he does not devote time to children? He will remind you of the mistake in their upbringing that you made ten years ago. Are you making it clear that his lies are unacceptable? He will mark the moment when you resorted to innocent deception in order not to attend a family event. This maneuver has no temporal or thematic limits and often begins with the words: “What about the time you did it?” nine0005

How to avoid this maneuver. Don't get distracted. If the toxic person tries to switch things up, use the broken record method described above: keep repeating the facts without going off topic. Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that now. Let's concentrate on the problem that is relevant at the moment."

Lure and feigned innocence. Toxic people create a false sense of security in order to be even more destructive in their cruelty. Common tactics include provocative remarks, hurtful jokes, labeling, offensive accusations, and unfounded generalizations. A toxic partner may make a casual comment about a co-worker's good looks or make an inappropriate joke about wanting to have an affair. This is a ploy to test your reaction. Once such a person drags you into a senseless, random quarrel, and it will grow like a snowball, because he does not know sympathy and remorse for tactless behavior. Ordinary disagreement can be a bait, and even if you initially hold back as politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you. Hidden humiliation disguised as a joke is a way to get deep into your soul, while avoiding responsibility. Such aggressive injections under the guise of a joke skirmish allow the manipulator to say the most terrible things, while maintaining outward innocence and equanimity. However, every time you are outraged by an insensitive, blunt comment, you are accused of having no sense of humor. After all, it's just a joke! Not at all. This is a way to use gaslighting to make you think that such verbal abuse is just a joke: a way to distract you from your opponent's brutality at the expense of your receptivity. Having lured you with a seemingly innocent comment, they begin to play with your emotions. Remember: narcissists know your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, they know what unpleasant phrases will undermine your self-confidence and what topics will open old wounds. They use this knowledge to provoke you. After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you're okay, assuring that he "didn't mean" to disturb you. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and makes you believe he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts to happen so often that you can no longer deny his obvious intentional cruelty. nine0005

How not to fall for the bait. Watch out if you are bothered by some rude comment, if someone is playing devil's advocate or inappropriately joking. There is usually a reason for this. This will help to understand at what point they are trying to catch you, and will allow you to stop communication as soon as possible. Trust your intuition: if even after the interlocutor has explained what was said, you feel that you have been humiliated, this is a signal to slowly comprehend the situation before reacting. Not everyone is able to express their disagreement respectfully. Remain vigilant and beware of a possible escalation of the conflict. nine0005

Instead of responding directly to the bait, say something like "That's interesting" and end the conversation.

This leaves almost no chance to continue the conversation and does not give the manipulator the emotional response he expects. Certainly, such situations will be repeated. Some toxic people will continue their provocation without even getting any emotional response. In this case, it is important to be able to stand up for yourself and make it clear that you will not tolerate such behavior and immediately end the conversation, finally breaking off the relationship. nine0005

Trying to answer manipulative people to their hidden provocations can lead to further gaslighting, but stick with your opinion that their behavior is not normal. Be firm by breaking contact with the person who provokes you and encourages you to an emotional reaction. Given your hypersensitivity, it cannot be said that you are "too" sensitive to the provocations of an insensitive person. Your reactions are justified. Trust yourself.

How to use the cleaning method when interacting with a narcissist

Description. If you need to describe the situation to the narcissist, refrain from overly emotional statements and deal with facts, this will help avoid direct confrontation. If possible, use email or text messages to be able to save correspondence. Narcissists feed on your emotional reactions and love to provoke hypersensitive people. Less emotional receptivity is part of a larger technique known as the "grey stone method." It was invented by the victim of a psychopath - a blogger named Skylar. The essence of this technique is that you begin to play the role of an "inconspicuous gray stone" so that the narcissist stops noticing you and does not seek to actively manipulate you, similar to how a hunted animal pretends to be dead to avoid being pursued by a predator. Using less emotional language can help you a lot, because in this case, the narcissist will not get much return from you and will switch to a more accessible victim of provocation and manipulation. In this case, it is effective to use a calm, reserved, or even unemotional tone of voice when presenting facts, or to give short and dry answers when exchanging text or email messages. nine0005

Clear wording. When you explain what the narcissist's behavior problem is, it's important to turn the attention away from yourself and onto the possible consequences. Example: "If you do not stop looking for contact with me, I will have to involve law enforcement." Or you can say directly: "Stop following me." You should do this by email or text message in order to be able to save the correspondence.

Use of boundaries. Express your wish directly, but only once via electronic communication channels. For example, if a married man is looking for communication with you, you can write to him: “I do not start relationships with married people. Please don't mess with me again." If he continues to disturb you, you can block his number and social media accounts. If he uses anonymous accounts or multiple phone numbers, save all information: it may be required for legal purposes. nine0005

Thank you. In most cases, when interacting with a narcissist, you should not say words of gratitude: do not put your finger in his mouth - he will bite off his whole hand. However, you can pay attention to your needs. If you need to negotiate in a situation where you cannot permanently end the relationship (for example, at work), find a way to meet your needs in one way or another. For example, if a colleague asks you to do most of the work on a project, tell him that you will do your half after he finishes his. Make sure that there is a factor of responsibility or reciprocity so that the person understands that his needs will be met only after yours. nine0005

Hardness. Stick to the facts and your goals, regardless of all the manoeuvres, by which the narcissist tries to manipulate you. For example, if you are gaslighted, you can use the broken record method and repeat the same thing. Another option is not to say anything at all, cut off communication with this person and just remind yourself of the real state of things. Bringing yourself back to reality is just as important, if not more so. You don't need the narcissist's permission to end this interaction and take care of yourself. nine0005

Compromise. As a general rule, narcissists are incapable of expressing disagreement peacefully, so don't count on honest negotiations with them. They will be furious if you threaten their sense of permissiveness. However, it is important to find unity with your goals, establish contacts with supportive people, connect external resources and expand your capabilities. No matter how vehemently they push your boundaries, keep doing what you do that is good for you and don't let them get away with it. As you observe and gather information about what is happening, keep all the evidence and remember that the narcissist rarely keeps his word. Strive to achieve wholeness within yourself and steadfastly resist the emotional manipulation that the narcissist is sure to use to get his way. nine0005

Active show of force. Faking confidence even when you don't feel it is even more important when interacting with a narcissist who is constantly looking for any vulnerabilities. Avoid direct confrontation whenever possible. If that's not possible, use this interaction to boost your confidence. Get a third party to mediate, witness, or give you courage. If you are usually a quiet and gentle conversationalist, in this case, speak in a firm, dry and unshakable tone. If it helps you, take a "strong posture". Maintain eye contact. nine0005

Exit strategy

If you suspect you are dealing with a narcissist, implement the steps below. You can use the acronym SUPPORT to remind yourself of your options for getting out of a situation:

About review instead of blame.

P gradual disappearance.

About tvorka.

P relationship breakup and safe departure plan.

A careful observation instead of reaction. nine0005

Review instead of blame. Narcissists show their true nature more quickly if they think you have no idea who they really are. A direct confrontation with the narcissist will lead to further manipulation and narcissistic rage, which will get you even more stuck in the cycle of violence. If you suspect that a narcissist is around you, the best option is to mentally prepare for the end of the relationship, while collecting as much information as possible about his character. For example, if you are planning a divorce with a narcissist, do not tell him about it until you have completed all the necessary things: consulting with a divorce lawyer who specializes in working with conflict personalities, contacting a financial adviser who will help you deal with debts and a budget, studying guardianship legislation, opening a separate bank account and finding a place to live. Watch for red flags, and when you notice them, build self-worth by not relying on the narcissist's claims (which will most likely consist of pathological lies, gaslighting, projections, and understatements). His actions and patterns of behavior will tell you much more than any words. nine0005

Fading out. Narcissists go berserk when they are ignored and rejected. But instead of directly rejecting them, you can gradually disappear from their lives. Pretend that everything is as usual, but gradually spend less and less of your energy and time on them. Stick to monosyllabic and dry answers in conversations. Step by step, reduce your contribution to the person so that he gets used to the fact that you are not always around. Narcissists cannot stand the lack of attention, so they will try to get narcissistic reinforcement elsewhere. nine0005

Excuse. As you gradually disappear from the narcissist's life, it is important to have a convenient excuse—something he finds plausible enough to explain your withdrawal without realizing that you are actually pushing him out of your life. Pretend to be very busy with a work project, emphasize how hard you are working on a term paper, talk about a new task that takes up your time. If this causes more rage, move on to the next step.

Relationship breakdown and safe exit plan. Ultimately, you will need a safe escape plan. Speak with a counseling psychologist, your company's human resources officer, or a domestic violence lawyer to develop an escape plan. Depending on the nature of your relationship with the narcissist and whether or not you live together, you may not have to organize as many activities as it seems.

Careful observation instead of reaction. If you are forced to interact with the narcissist even after the breakup (for example, in the case of co-parenting or at family events), you need to keep your emotions under control. As you already know, narcissists love to provoke you. Notice manipulation tactics, give them names, but do not show the expected reactions. Take a conscious breath and switch to taking care of yourself. Understand exactly what they expect from you, and you will find emotional freedom from their maneuvers. nine0005

How to get rid of the persecution of a narcissist? 4 councils of psychologists, consultations

Malika (29 years old) 07/11/2018

Hello! Please help me. I met a guy for about six months. He turned out to be a narcissist and an abuser. She left him. How she escaped from prison, but about 5 months have passed, the person is still haunting. He found out where I live and comes to my house, knocking for hours. He watches me through the windows, it is worth opening the window or adjusting the curtains, he immediately sends a message, saying that I am watching you. Sends gifts. Bombarded with messages. I left like that, I didn’t give hope and of course I’m not going to return. How to get rid of persecution? Maybe you need to send it to hell without embarrassment in expressions? Am I making an enemy for myself? As I learned about narcissism and abusers, I am so afraid of him. But I don’t show it, I politely explain that it’s all over, but deaf. What should I do? Thanks

Similar question

How to get rid of the persecution of the ex-husband? (2 answers)

Hello, Malika.

In my opinion, the best option is to start dating another guy who would let your ex know that you now have another guy.

And at the same time, check the sincerity of feelings and courage of your new chosen one.

Similar question

How to get rid of the persecution of an ex-woman? (1 answer) nine0005

Good afternoon!

Of course, it's not easy with daffodils. They can really push the boundaries.

I would recommend that you read this book about narcissists on my website: .

This will help you get rid of the pressure and persecution of the narcissist.

Take care of yourself!

Good luck to you!

Pyotr Yurievich Lizyaev, psychologist-psychotherapist
Face-to-face consultations / psychotherapy in Moscow - individually and in a group, as well as via Skype.

Similar question

How to get rid of persecution? (1 answer)

Hello, Malika! It is enough to tell him once that your relationship is over, and do not pay attention to his manipulations. Apparently he is waiting for him to break through your personal boundaries and feel like a winner. Try to ignore his actions, he wants to let him cost as much as he wants, he writes as much as he wants, you just send his number to the black list. If there is a person who can influence him, ask you to help with this. Sometimes it is enough for an authoritative person to talk, maybe threaten him, all means are good. You are a determined person, once you have the courage to break off relations with a narcissist who loves only himself. Trust yourself and your intuition. I wish you courage and self-confidence! nine0005

Similar question

How can I get rid of persecution? (3 answers)

Hello Malika!

I suspect that he may perceive your soft refusal, dictated by fear, as uncertainty and not a firm position. And his wounded pride dictates to him to continue to achieve his goal, if there is at least a small chance. There are such beliefs among people that if you peck at one point, then you will still take yours.

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