Telling someone how special they are
How To Tell Someone They Are Amazing In 19 Different Ways
It sounds so simple, and yet giving someone a compliment really can brighten their entire day. This is true whether you compliment a stranger in a coffee shop or you offer a few kind words to the people you care about most.
“Everyone wants to feel important and valued,” Janika Veasley, MFT, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. When it comes to those closest to you, like friends and family, a compliment “not only makes them feel great, but also lets them know that you see, accept, and honor them for who they are.”
Dishing out a compliment can even brighten your day. “The more one looks for things to compliment in others, the more one looks for the positive aspects in oneself,” therapist Paula D. Atkinson, LICSW, tells Bustle. “It's healing for both.”
And yet, for all the positive benefits, it isn’t always easy to figure how how to compliment someone. So here’s a trick: The key to giving someone a compliment is to focus on what makes them unique. "Find something you truly appreciate about the person," Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a New York City-based therapist, tells Bustle. And then cater your compliment to them, their glowing personality, and/or something wonderful they did or said.
By focusing on what makes the other person special — whether it’s their personality, something they’re really good at, or even the jewelry they chose to wear — the compliment will feel 100 times more impactful (not to mention more genuine.) Read on for 19 tips to keep in mind when giving someone a compliment so that it really hits home, according to experts.
1. Be Specific
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While a quick “you did a great job!” or “you’re awesome” is always nice, the compliments that make people feel the best tend to be specific rather than an over-generalized positive statement, says licensed professional counselor Tiffany Ashenfelter, LPC-S. Basically, instead of saying “you’re an amazing person,” tell the recipient why they’re an amazing person.
Doing so caters the compliment directly to them, which will feel really good. There is, after all, a reason you feel the need to compliment them, and it can be really nice to say it out loud.
2. Say Their Name
People love to hear their own name, which is why weaving it into your compliment is another way to make it feel more personal and special. So while you're forming one that focuses on what makes them great, consider starting it all off by saying their name.
"Using someone’s name communicates 'I see you and you matter to me,'" Natalie Franke, a networking expert, tells Bustle. It isn't just a compliment thrown out casually, but one that's personal and clearly intended for one person.
3. Praise Their Listening Skills
If your friend just spent an hour listening to your long list of problems (great friend, BTW), nothing will show gratitude quite like complimenting their listening skills.
"Tell them that they are a great listener and that their listening has helped you out tremendously," Dr.
Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. It’ll feel good because, as the listener, they may not feel like they’re doing much to help.
And yet, when you just need to vent, nothing could be further from the truth. "Letting the person know that [simply listening] was helpful will light up their day,” he says.
4. Compliment Their Style
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Complimenting someone's style may seem superficial, but if you link the compliment to something unique about them, it can go way beyond simply likely a shirt or a cool necklace. So if you want to make someone feel extra amazing, share a quick reason why.
"We are all so beautifully unique and our style is an artistic way of expressing who we are in that moment, so bringing attention and appreciation to a choice in fashion is a fun way to say, 'Hey! I like who you are right now,'" life coach Madeleine Culbertson tells Bustle. Your compliment then transforms from a casual acknowledgment to something a lot more special.
5. Acknowledge Their Effort
After putting in a ton of effort — either at work, in school, etc. — it can mean a lot to have your hard work acknowledged and recognized, says consultant and life coach Lisa Sansom. So go ahead and be that encouraging, uplifting person for somebody else. For example, you could tell a coworker why you appreciated their extra help and explain what it meant so much to you. It's all about paying attention to the millions of tiny things other people do, and highlighting the good stuff.
6. Point Out How Kind They Are
If you really want to warm someone right to the core, compliment their kind personality instead of just saying they’re “so nice.” As Klapow says, "Telling someone they are kind-hearted, have a caring-heart, etc. elevates the 'nice' compliment, because you are speaking directly to who they are, versus what they have done."
7. Be Honest & Heartfelt
Toni Rantala / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images
Another key to giving a compliment is timing.
Don’t hesitate to offer someone a compliment when they look like they could use it most. After all, "an honest and heartfelt compliment can be so powerful in changing the way someone feels about themselves," life coach Lizi Jackson-Barrett tells Bustle.
8. Keep The Focus On Them
"The goal of complimenting someone is to make their day better," Amy Ogden, a marketing expert and inspirational blogger, tells Bustle. “The most impactful compliments are brief and don’t call attention back to yourself."
In other words, don’t give a compliment while simultaneously knocking yourself down. "It’s better to say, 'Your skin looks incredible lately!' rather than, 'Your skin looks so good, I wish mine looked like that’ because then you’re asking the complimentee to praise you back and discount your compliment,” Ogden says. And that takes some of the energy out of it.
9. Let Them Know They Had An Impact
Any compliment that calls attention to the impact a person has made will certainly mean a lot.
This may be something you can try to do at work, especially if you have a coworker who constantly goes above and beyond. "People often don't realize they are having an impact beyond one person," Klapow says. "Reminding them or highlighting for them how their impact goes beyond you is powerful."
10. Notice Their Talents
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Everyone needs a little reminder of their amazingness, so don't be afraid to point out someone's positive talents.
"We spend so much of our time doubting ourselves, our abilities, our personality traits, that having it reinforced to us that something about us is special or interesting or awesome can be incredibly gratifying," therapist Katie Krimer, MA, LMSW tells Bustle.
This is one that goes over particularly well at work. By pointing out someone’s talents or good ideas, Krimer says it can make them feel more confident in the skills they may doubt within themselves.
11. Compliment A Stranger
Remember, compliments aren’t just reserved for your coworkers, BFFs, and family.
"For example, if your barista made you a kick-ass coffee, let them know,” Krimer says. “They make a billion a day, so it'll probably feel extra great to hear that something small that they did impacted a random passerby."
12. Focus On What Draws You To Them
Let the other person know what they mean to you by focusing on their unique attributes and why you feel drawn to them. Then, “let them know in a genuine and authentic way,” Dr. Cassandra Aasmundsen-Fry, a licensed clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. Simply say something like, “Being around you makes me feel really safe and secure. You have a great energy.” Or whatever else feels right!
13. Do It In Person
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While there’s nothing wrong with sending a quick compliment via text or email, it’ll be extra impactful if you get the chance to do it IRL — as in when you can look the other person in the eye, touch their shoulder, etc. “Own it and show them through your [body] language that you see them and the ways they are special,” Aasmundsen-Fry says.
14. Compliment A Lasting Trait
Another way to give a good compliment? Look for something that is not only positive but lasting, says Atkinson. Think along the lines of this person’s influence, their warm energy, their insight, their awareness, or their perspective.
“These are aspects that are truly individual and that are difficult to pinpoint but 100% authentic,” Atkinson says. “Compliments that remind the giver and the receiver that they are both more than what they look like or what they can produce are extremely powerful and positive.”
15. Focus On What They Care About
It also helps to think about the person’s interests or goals. “To compliment someone in a way that resonates with the person's highest hopes for themselves and who they want to be in the world can truly change their day,” Atkinson says. To do so, zero in on what matters to them and point it out. If you know they care about being a good friend, let them know they’re an integral and important part of your close circle.
16. Call Attention To What You Admire Most
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If you admire someone, go ahead and say it! According to psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, giving a compliment is one thing, but it carries a lot of weight to say something like, “I really admire how you stand up for yourself at work” or “I really admire the way you prioritize meaningful things in life.”
“Many of my patients today express feelings of not being acknowledged, validated, or appreciated and accepted — flaws and all,” Walfish tells Bustle. By pointing out what you admire, you’ll give someone a much-needed boost.
17. Say Something Nice “Just Because”
According to Walfish, you can always dish out a compliment simply because you love and care about someone. Compliment your partner by telling them they’re sweet. Compliment your friend by telling them they’re awesome. It doesn’t always have to be grand or extra poignant in order to be meaningful.
18. Avoid Backhanded Compliments
Unfortunately, compliments can be easy to misconstrue.
For example, if you tell someone they look great one day, they might assume it means they look bad other days. “This doesn’t make anyone feel good,” Janika Veasley, MFT, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle.
It’s usually best to avoid commenting on someone’s appearance or health, even though it’s coming from a good place. It’s also important to keep an eye on your tone, Veasley says, so your compliment doesn’t accidentally come out sounding like criticism or insult.
19. Keep It Short & Sweet
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A compliment as simple a “seeing you makes my whole day better” really packs a punch, says Kristi Miller, MA, LMFT, a licensed therapist and relationship expert. So the next time you feel a compliment bubbling to the surface, blurt it out.
You can also intentionally look for ways to dole out more compliments in your everyday life, particularly to those who need it most. As Miller says, a compliment can help you make new friends, feel closer to folks in your life, and boost everyone’s mood — it’s a win on all fronts.
Studies referenced:
Boothby, E. J., & Bohns, V. K. (2020). Why a simple act of kindness is not as simple as it seems: Underestimating the positive impact of our compliments on others. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 47(5), 826–840. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220949003
Davis, M. C. (2009). Building emotional resilience to promote health. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, 3(1_suppl). https://doi.org/10.1177/1559827609335152
Carmody, D. P., & Lewis, M. (2006). Brain activation when hearing one's own and others' names. Brain Research, 1116(1), 153–158. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brainres.2006.07.121
Experts:
Janika Veasley, MFT, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist
Paula D. Atkinson, LICSW, E-RYT 500, therapist
Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, therapist
Tiffany Ashenfelter, LPC-S, licensed professional therapist
Natalie Franke, networking expert
Dr.
Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist
Madeleine Culbertson, life coach
Lisa Sansom, consultant and life coach
Lizi Jackson-Barrett, life coach
Amy Ogden, marketing expert and inspirational blogger
Katie Krimer, MA, LMSW, therapist
Dr. Cassandra Aasmundsen-Fry, licensed clinical psychologist
Dr. Fran Walfish, psychotherapist
Kristi Miller, MA, LMFT, licensed therapist and relationship expert
This article was originally published on
52 Ways to Tell Someone You Love and Appreciate Them
“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz
As a child, I never heard the phrase “I love you.” Now, I hear people say it all the time—at the end of phone calls and whenever parting ways.
When I moved away from my hometown of Adelaide, South Australia, twenty years ago, I noticed how much less I felt loved interstate in Melbourne, Victoria.
Even though I didn’t hear “I love you” when I was in Adelaide, somehow I knew people cared.
Soon after I arrived here, I had two wonderful children who’ve taught me all about love. They regularly tell me they love me, and I often overhear them telling their friends.
This got me thinking: how can we let people know we care, beyond simply saying “I love you?”
I decided to make a list of some expressions that we can all say more often to family, friends, partners, and even colleagues. Perhaps you could use one of these each week for the next year.
1. You are special to me.
2. I feel amazing when I spend time with you.
3. You give me goosebumps.
4. I feel safe sharing my secrets with you.
5. I accept you as you are.
6. I understand how you feel.
7. Is there anything I can do to help?
8. I always have fun when I am with you.
9. Please tell me how it is for you so I can understand.
10. Can I hold your hand?
11.
Can I give you a hug?
12. You inspire me.
13. I really appreciate it when you…
14. You are one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received.
15. I value everything you’ve taught me.
16. The insights you have shared mean the world to me.
17. Your thoughtfulness is a delight to receive.
18. I will never forget how you…
19. I feel so relaxed and happy when you…
20. Seeing you when … happened made it all okay.
21. I can feel it when your heart sings because it makes my heart sing too.
22. I could sit next to you and not say anything and be at peace.
23. The way you handled … showed me that you are truly…
24. Your comments about … helped me enormously.
25. I’m thankful to have you in my life.
26. I could go anywhere with you.
27. I believe your intentions for me are always good, even when I cannot understand what you do.
28. I trust you.
29. I can go outside of my comfort zone with you.
30. Knowing you gives me courage.
31. The world is less scary when I am with you.
32. I appreciate that your suggestions help me make difficult choices.
33. I lose all concept of time when I am with you.
34. If something serious happened to me, you’re the first person I would call.
35. You are so generous in spirit.
36. Surprise me more often because I like your surprises.
37. I love how you … whenever I need to …
38. I hear your voice even when we are not in the same place.
39. I feel connected to you even when I cannot see you.
40. Your wisdom has saved me.
41. I feel refreshed and renewed around you.
42. I enjoy your sense of humor.
43. Whenever I see a photo of us together, I smile.
44. I appreciate that you think about my feelings before you do and say things.
45. Your smile makes me smile.
46. I love that you know me so well.
47. When I think about you, I often remember when you…
48.
I want to keep you in my past, present, and future.
49. I can be me when I am with you—I hope you feel the same way.
50. Circumstance brought us together; choice keeps us together.
You are so lovable.
I love you.
I know that the positive feedback I’ve received in the past has kept me going during the darkest moments of my life.
I hope that by saying “I love you” in many different ways, the special people in your life will have good memories that can sustain them during the more difficult moments in their lives.
How do you let people know you love them?
I love you image via Shutterstock
About Sue Ellson
Sue Ellson BBus AIMM MAHRI is the Founder and Director of Newcomers Network, a socially responsible business providing information, events and advocacy for newcomers and networkers in Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane and Perth. Sue started this enterprise in 1999 as a result of her own difficult transition from Adelaide to Melbourne.
Connect with Sue via LinkedIn or learn more at SueEllson.com.
See a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix it!
Special children: what they teach their parents
I once heard the phrase "When God wants to give a person a gift, he wraps it in a wrapper of a problem." A special child in a family is a gift, but it is wrapped up not just out of a problem, but out of a very strong pain. However, if you start to unfold it, there will be a lot of valuable inside.
We parents of "special children" are in a lot of pain. Mental pain is any unbearable feelings that are larger than a person, more than his ability to contain this feeling (grief, shame, guilt, anxiety, fear). Then they cause almost physical pain, and we describe them through bodily sensations: suffocating shame, overwhelming guilt, inflating anxiety, paralyzing fear.
It hurts when I find out about my child's diagnosis. At this moment, my picture of the world and the picture of the future that I drew for myself collapse.
It seems that now I have nothing to rely on. When I understand that my fantasies and expectations will never come true, that is, my real son is not a dream child and never will be.
The collision with reality and the limitations it imposes is painful: "Your child will never be able to...". It hurts from criticism and depreciation of me and my child from others: “Ugh, how ill-bred he is!”, “Boy, are you completely stupid?”, “This is the place in a psychiatric hospital.” It hurts from internal criticism and devaluation, with which I scourge myself: “I do so little for him! I have to try harder!”, “I shouldn’t want to rest, run away from him!”, “I’m a terrible mother, I have unacceptable thoughts and unacceptable feelings.”
The gift wrapper is terrible, but I won't refuse. I accept the gift and start unwrapping it. There is a precious gift inside: human life. And many more gifts that I receive when I get to know a child.
The first gift is slowing down
I was fast.
I rushed, not noticing how life rushes past me, and I past my own life. I did not have time to feel its taste and myself in it. My son slowed me down. He taught me not to rush, to plan, to get ready in advance, and not at the last moment. Live leisurely, and not in the mode of eternal rush and haste. As soon as I accelerated a little, he fell into such unbearable negativism that there was no way to resist him. Only by slowing down, I began to notice something that had not previously fallen into my field of vision, blurring at high speeds.
Through my study of psychology, I learned that mindfulness, sense of self, refilling of resources, and working through psychological traumas are only possible in slowdown. I can still be fast and super efficient, but I prefer to live and work slowly.
The second gift is the value of tiny achievements
I was a perfectionist, an excellent student. Not a single result suited me, not a single effort seemed sufficient.
I made unrealistically high demands on myself and others.
My son forced me to let go of perfectionism and high expectations. He showed me the gap between my expectations and my capabilities. For a very long time, literally everything had to be taught through repeated repetitions.
Every elementary skill, every new word, every concept was given to him at the cost of colossal efforts
I imagined that his head was the Grand Canyon, which I needed to fill with earth — knowledge, skills, skills, and I only have a sapper in my hands scapula. My hands dropped from this, and I turned into a Strong mother without strength.
I learned to notice and appreciate the slightest changes in my son, any manifestation of something new, to reduce the demands on him and on myself, to rejoice at small successes and to compare a person not with the "norm" or "ideal", but only with himself - yesterday.
The third gift is getting rid of guilt
I felt guilty.
Before her son for giving birth to him in this imperfect world, in which it is so difficult, unpleasant and incomprehensible for him to live. Because I can’t be an ideal mother to him, that I dream of taking a break from him, turning into a “viper mother”, that I get tired and break down, and instead of a loving mother, #Fire-breathing_Mother appears in my place. Before his relatives, to whom I gave birth to a "flawed" child, a burden. In front of a society for which my child is uncomfortable and probably useless. I often felt like #Mama_in_vintage.
Guilt corroded me from the inside, and those around me, pressing on the “feeling of guilt” from the outside, caused me terrible pain and gained power over me. I felt that I was falling apart, and in order to save myself (after all, my son needs me!) I was looking for a way out. When, thanks to psychotherapy, I stopped experiencing this feeling, I gained unprecedented inner freedom and released megatons of energy that had previously been directed to trying to make amends and please everyone.
First of all, my son.
The fourth gift is the right and ability to defend oneself
First, I learned to protect my son. From the doctors who tried to feed him pills. From passers-by who made comments to him. From people who frightened him and tried to use violence against him, calling it "care", "love", "help", "education" and "training". Because of this, I noticed that I was completely unaware and very poorly defending my boundaries, allowing myself to be manipulated by guilt and manipulating others.
It turned out that one can defend oneself beautifully. By protecting his borders, I learned to protect mine as well. Last but not least, from him: for many years he did not let me go a single step, burst behind me through the closed doors of the toilet or bathroom, threw a tantrum if I tried to get away from him anywhere. He snatched books, phone, headphones from my hands, slammed the laptop.
He forbade me to sing, dance, draw, read and talk on the phone.
It screeched like an unbearable siren, drowning out my attempts to talk to anyone. He constantly demanded: "You must be with me!"
Working with mothers of perfectly healthy children, I was surprised to find that they, too, are tormented by guilt, that they do not recognize their limits, do not know how to protect themselves and take care of themselves, do not allow themselves to fully rest and recover, and remain for the sake of children in bringing relationship suffering. There is a way out, and for each of us it is unique.
The fifth gift is attention to resources
Resources and sources of strength are very necessary for raising my child. With him, strength ends quickly if they are not fed. You can endlessly spend time, money, connections on rehabilitation and socialization, become exhausted emotionally, fear for his future and assume that this will always be the case, and he will never be able to provide for himself. Before his birth, I felt very strong, resilient and could afford to mindlessly exploit myself and allow other people to do it.
My son pushed me nose to nose with my limits. With my powerlessness (what a terrible word it was for me!)
In order to live and take care of him, I was forced to find and plug the “holes” into which my resources flowed, learn to replenish them, handle them carefully and reasonably invest. Without psychotherapy, I would not have been able to cope with this task.
The sixth gift is the ability to ask for help
I did not like to ask other people for something. Especially about help. I was a heroic mother, I coped on my own (I was taught to be strong from childhood!) until I was exhausted to the state of "I'll die right now." When the question is about survival, it is no longer possible to ask for anything. The most ancient layers of the psyche turn on, a person desperately demands help and hates those who do not provide it: “How can they? Can't they see the state I'm in?"
If a "savior" appears, often he does not even have the strength to thank him - only sobs.
In a state of complete emotional devastation, there is nothing to thank. A very terrible and dangerous state both for the one who brought himself to it, and for those who were nearby. I learned to notice its harbingers at distant approaches and take regular rest, turning to other people for help.
The seventh gift is the ability to manage my time
Trying to do a million things in one day, my desperately resisting child and I very quickly flew into a state of devastation and impotence. My son is a master at ruining plans, especially if his mother has chaos in them or there are more of them than you can cram into one day. I had to master the art of time management, it helps a lot in life. I really disliked the daily routine and planning. It seemed to me that these useless frames only restrain the free expression of my energy. To act impulsively, spontaneously and even eccentrically - this is the main property of a creative person. You can break the rules if you really want to.
My son, with his uncontrollable behavior and contempt for all rules and prohibitions, courageously carried this thesis to the point of absurdity, turning my life full of spontaneity into a real hell. Miraculously, he calmed down and became sociable only when I planned our day with him in advance, learned to explain to him in advance what would happen next, told and explained everything in simple words.
Before that, I was in the illusion that in any situation I would think of something, somehow manage, in the end, I would endure everything, endure, endure - I'm strong! My son showed me the limit of my seemingly inexhaustible strength.
In a situation of uncertainty, he is very anxious. And he shows his anxiety in such a way that it is hard not to notice it
I love him and want to help him, so I must understand the cause of his anxiety and eliminate it. Give him certainty, a clear plan and a simple understandable explanation of what is happening. Simple and understandable!
The eighth gift is the habit of speaking briefly and to the point
It was difficult for me, a person who is used to expressing himself floridly and metaphorically, enjoying the play of words, meanings and subtexts, weaving explicit and hidden quotations into speech, it was difficult to readjust.
Yes, my son was born and grew up to the noise of such a speech, but he flatly refused to understand it and, moreover, to become my interlocutor.
For his sake and thanks to him, I began to learn to speak more simply. To his father’s question: “Why don’t you want to tell how your day went?”, he replied: “Because I want to talk like you and mom, but I can’t.” Yes, my son taught me to focus on the most important thing and reformulate what is difficult to express in simple words. I honed these skills while studying the profession of a psychologist, and they help me a lot both in my work and in communication with my son.
The ninth gift is to be yourself and not be shy
At some point, I noticed that being among people who do not know us, but can hear us, I turn to my son with witty speeches, knowing that he does not understand and does not react to them. Then for whom am I speaking now? To the public? So I noticed how much superficial, false is in me.
How often I try to seem and not be. And I began to recognize myself, my capabilities and limitations, my values.
My son behaved in such a way that I faced suffocating shame for him and for myself. And I had to deal with this topic seriously. He caused "fire on himself" by strange behavior. He was defiantly conspicuous, blasting space with just his presence.
At the same time, he does not show physical aggression towards others. His favorite ways are to make noise, knock, repeatedly shout quotes and mimic. Everyone wants to call such a boy to order. Only their calls have no effect on him.
My son and psychology gave me real courage. I learned to separate real fears from irrational ones that hinder the flow of life. I learned to be weak, vulnerable, imperfect, and continue to accept and love myself.
Tenth gift - contact with reality
My son is a unique reality detector. It would seem that autism is a field of psychiatry. "Children's schizophrenia", "schizotypal personality disorder" - such labels in Soviet psychiatry were glued to children with autism. These children look as if they do not share our reality, but live in their own.
My son, fearlessly balancing on the edge of reality and dissociation, taught me to look at this edge. When I withdrew into myself, immersed myself in my thoughts and experiences, he told me: “Mom, are you here? Are you with me?". So he brought me back to reality. Before he started talking like that, he tried to bring me back to reality in other ways. He needed a mother who was not “flew away”, not performing mechanical actions to care for him and somehow herself (according to the residual principle), but alive, healthy, loving, accepting and limiting.
In order to be in touch, to love him, to accept him without conditions, to protect and teach him to live in our world, defending his own borders and respecting the borders of others, I had to learn to do all this for myself. After all, I can only give him what is in me, only what I have felt and lived myself.
The eleventh gift is emotional stability
One of the psychiatric characteristics of my child’s condition sounds like this: “violation of the emotional-volitional sphere”. This means that he cannot cope with his feelings. They overwhelm him and violently break out or "turn off" and make him so closed that it is impossible to make contact with him.
I learned to recognize his feelings, let them through me and return to him by naming. In my profession, these are basic skills, without which it is impossible to work: empathy, containment, reflection. They are also the basic functions of the mother. It turned out that they can be learned and upgraded like any skill! But first I had to... well, you already understood... notice, recognize and name my own feelings, live them, learn to be stable, calm, filled.
Otherwise, I will not be able to withstand the flurry of his emotions (or complete detachment) and the storm of mine in response.
One of the two of us was supposed to be an unshakable beacon. The son was not going to, and he was not supposed to. I learned to be a beacon in an ocean of emotions
Now his ship is confidently guided by my beacon - he talks about his feelings, gradually learns to live them and contain them on his own, is interested in the feelings of other people and tries to understand them.
The twelfth gift —
priceless acceptanceThanks to communication with special children, their parents and psychology, I returned unconditional love and priceless acceptance to my life. I am absolutely sure that every person who is raising a special child has had an unconditional experience of self-worth in life. This is a huge resource to which you can and should clear access and from which you can endlessly draw energy!
The thirteenth gift - independence and responsibility
When working with parents of teenagers, I often hear that their children are irresponsible, not interested in anything except gadgets, do not show initiative, do not know how or do not want to help their parents with the housework, cannot choose for themselves profession. How to teach them independence and responsibility? By and large, this is a matter of separating the child from the parents. And parents from a child - as in everything else, we can only give others what is in our own experience.
If we ourselves have not separated from our parents, we are unlikely to be able to help our children in this process. For me, the independence of my son and the formation of responsibility in him is a matter of our future with him, which is very scary to think about.
Will he ever be able to live alone, work and provide for himself? After all, if not, and I will not be ... then nightmarish visions of psycho-neurological boarding schools in the Russian Federation attack me. I only have one life, and the risks are too great. If I don’t learn to take responsibility for my life and my actions, ceasing to “save”, “be a hero”, “fall into a victim”, I will unconsciously disable my own child, preventing the development of his autonomy.
I didn't become a superhuman or a supermom. I can use all these gifts only when I feel rested, calm and filled. In stress, I still lose contact with myself, with reality, with my son and with all resources. But now having the necessary knowledge and skills, I return and recover very quickly.
I don't know what the future holds for me and my son. It's just that I, like all people, at every moment of time do the maximum of what is in my power, based on my capabilities.
10 main taboos in communications - Offtop on vc.ru
We humans are social creatures, so it's hard for us without communication. We are happy to talk, share thoughts about life. However, sometimes communication with some people becomes viral for us. You talk with such a person and it seems that you have become infected with his misfortunes, imbued with his troubles, like a real poison, and you want to end the conversation as soon as possible and have less contact with him.
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Let's talk about how to be a pleasant conversationalist, what topics to avoid and what to keep quiet about.
1. Talk about past relationships.
It is hardly possible to bypass this topic when entering into a new relationship. Yes, and it is not necessary.
When the moment is right, it is worth talking / listening about the past of your loved one. This gives us a clearer portrait of a person's personality, his character. But it is enough to say that the relationship was terminated for such a reason, and not to talk about how bad or good it was for you together, what you did and where you went.
This is the past, and you have a new page. But talk about it once and close the topic. Don't let your partner constantly compare you to your ex. And never do it yourself. This is manipulation. The person will live with a feeling of constant tension and competition.
2. Talk about other people's secrets.
The same applies to other people's secrets and gossip. Gossip is taboo. Not just because you consider yourself a decent person, but because washing other people's bones is an ignoble and ungrateful business. The situation may turn in such a way that after a while the facts will be distorted, and you will be pointed out as the primary source.
And it will be very embarrassing!
For myself, I realized that you can say about third parties what you can, on occasion, repeat to that third person personally.
Also, don't pry into other people's affairs, especially family ones. For example, you caught a friend's husband lying. Keep quiet? Say? Probably, it is worth letting them figure it out for themselves, so that by providing a service, not to cause trouble.
3. Talking badly about yourself.
About my negative perception of myself. Under no circumstances should you put yourself down in front of other people. If they want to belittle you, they will find a reason. But if you belittled yourself - you showed them that you are
are worth nothing.
So it's better to stick to the golden mean.
4. Talk badly about other people.
As Benjamin Franklin said: I will not speak badly of anyone, but I will tell all the good things I know about everyone.
5. Talk about your income and success.
Remember, it is forbidden to talk about money. Don't whine if you don't have money. Lack of money is not something you should talk about with your acquaintances. You have little money, a lot, the salary is high or low - you should not gossip about this. The person who listens to you will judge you by himself - if you have a high salary, he will envy, and even jinx it, if your salary is low, he will mentally stop respecting you. And remember, money is primarily energy. Money needs a special approach, but they want a special relationship, and not a bazaar and whining.
If you received an award, you were promised a new high position, or you made a successful and profitable purchase, do not rush to friends and relatives with this news, and even more so, do not trumpet it on social networks.
People do not like other people's successes, victories and good luck.
Someone else's happiness causes discomfort for many. Such a friend will later call you a braggart and pout as if you owed him or her and should apologize for the inconvenience. Esotericists insist that happiness and money love silence.
6. Talk about your problems.
If you naively think that if you tell all your friends about your problems, then one of them will solve them, then you are deeply mistaken. It may seem to you that if you share troubles in family life or at work, then you will be pitied, understood, and as if by magic, everything will change for the better. Drop it!
You only show the inability to solve problems, and your friends have the idea in their subcortex in the brain that you are a loser, you are unlucky all the time and it is better to stay away from you, because you are a weakling. Take responsibility for your life and don't let anyone mess with it.
7. Talk about your doubts.
If you have any doubts about your ability to do a task, never tell other people about this doubt.
By doing so, you will drive a nail into the coffin of your task. But what about? You take a task and start segmenting it. And solve it step by step.
But if you really see that you can't cope, then say, "My friends, I have a problem, tell me what to do about it."
8. Talk about your plans.
Successful and wealthy people avoid talking about their plans that you have not yet begun to implement. If you want to open your own business, change jobs, start a new project, relationship or renovation - shut your mouth.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
If you have already begun to implement your project, then do not talk about what you will come to, but about what needs to be done. You have received energy for this realization, so don't waste it.
9. Talk about your own illnesses.
If a really close friend,
relative or family member is interested in your condition, this is one thing.
