Stop being petty
How to Stop Being Petty and Live Life Joyously
I cannot recall the last time I was overly judgmental and petty, although I know it’s happened far more times in my life than I care to admit.
I know that I was quick to criticize and complain when I was a young girl about real and/or imagined bad behavior toward me on the part of my older brother and his friends. Sometimes that got me into trouble instead of him. I remember that rankled me as unfair and I occasionally (OK, a little more often than that) wanted revenge. Still, over the ensuring years I’ve learned a lot about the value of being the best version of myself I can be. Here are some of my tips on how to stop being petty and live life joyously.
Recognize when you judge and act petty.
Do you sometimes find yourself thinking you’re better than your co-worker, neighbor, relative, friend or a certain demographic? This is both judgmental and petty and will never serve you well.
Are you peeved that the cashier didn’t give you the change in the denominations and amounts you wanted? Feeling disgruntled that someone else is wearing the same outfit as you — and they look better? Granted, these thoughts may pop into your mind, yet you needn’t allow them to remain. Acknowledge the petty and judgmental thoughts and let them go.
Practice loving kindness — including to yourself.
Being kind, doing something for another without any expectation of something in return is good for the cultivation of selflessness. It’s also good for personal well-being, both because it takes you outside your problems and focuses elsewhere and because you can practice loving kindness on yourself. If you’re over-stressed, finding it difficult to decide, haven’t gotten enough sleep or have been eating poorly, are lonely, depressed or in need of companionship, making you the recipient of loving kindness can help transform your well-being.
Nurture compassion.
Petty, judgmental people have scant compassion for others, if any. They’re too busy making everything about themselves to care about what’s going on with anyone else. Yet, a bit of self-centeredness is normal, especially if you’re in the process of healing or mourning. Even then, showing compassion helps you heal.
The best takeaway is that you can nurture compassion, primarily by becoming aware that the needs of others deserve recognition and attention.
Rein in your pride.
When you’re too proud to give in, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Excessive pride is different than justifiable pride in a job well done, or the pride you take in your children, your accomplishments in life. Pride that’s detrimental is that which clouds your ability to think objectively, that deludes you into thinking that you’re better than others or more deserving. While we’ve all likely had our moments of being too prideful, by noticing when this negative trait occurs it’s possible to rein it in before it has a chance to do harm, like adding to pettiness.
Start saying no more.
Someone asks you to do something that you know you don’t have time or energy for, or perhaps tries to guilt you into accommodating their request knowing you’ll probably give in and do it. This will likely lead to hard feelings and a peevishness you can ill afford, especially if others know you’re a soft touch who lacks the ability to refuse requests.
It takes backbone and practice to start saying no more, yet this is exactly what you must do to stave off inclinations to pettiness.
Be mindful when to say yes.
On the other hand, there are times when it’s not only good to acquiesce to a request from another, it’s also the right thing to do. In order to decipher the valid request from the one that’s not in your best interests, only a selfish one from another, you must be mindful. Use discretion, keep an open heart and use your thoughtful ability to determine when to say yes. You’ll know it was the right thing to do when you feel good about your actions afterward.
Remember all souls are the same in the eyes of the Creator.
No one is innately better or more superior than anyone else in the world. Each of us starts off the same in the eyes of the Creator, or Higher Power or God as we know Him/Her. Indeed, we have been bestowed incredible human gifts, the ability to think and make decisions, to act in free will, to use our talents and skills to achieve our highest potential.
Whether we make use of our time on earth to maximize our potential or squander opportunities to do so is entirely up to us.
Some may have more access to opportunities than others, or be hampered by a dysfunctional childhood, live in poverty or wealth, deal with a handicap or cope with an illness or disease, while others seem to have everything going for them. Still, we are all members of humanity, and therefore are interconnected. In that, we are all the same. We would be wise to keep this in mind as it may temper some of our judgmental and petty tendencies.
Keep in mind that you only live in the present, so let go of the past.
Remembering slights and perceived wrongs of the past are not conducive to living life joyously. Not only is it impossible to go back and act differently, remaining mired in the past affects what you do in the present. It’s a lose-lose situation. Besides, when you realize that the only time you have to live is now, and that what you do today has wide-ranging effects on your ability to live a purposeful and satisfying life, you’ll be more likely to give up past grudges and forget the petty judgments you made about others that stand in your way today.
Find what interests and excites you and do that more often.
I love walking outdoors in nature, seeing and hearing the birds, noticing differences in the plants, trees and shrubs in the changing seasons. While the exercise is good for my body, it’s also beneficial for my mind. I feel more at peace and in tune with nature. If something has been troubling me, or I’ve found myself being mean-spirited, judgmental and petty, I soon let it go during my walk.
I also enjoy watching movies, particularly a good suspense or thriller, well-acted and paced appropriately. Gardening, cooking, travel and eating out at favorite restaurants are other interests.
Think big picture. What bothers you today won’t matter long.
It’s tough to see past slights and disappointments and perceived mistakes and failures today. It’s also difficult to get past overconfidence when everything is going your way. The truth is, however, that nothing lasts forever, and that includes whatever bothers you today.
Keep things in perspective, meaning, think long-term instead of being fixated on yesterday. If you think you can’t do that, try remembering what it was that irked you a month ago. Most likely, whatever it was no longer matters. In the grand scheme of life, only significant moments stand out. That’s as it should be.
Why being petty feels so good
Tim Robberts/DigitalVision/Getty Images
Life
ByJoseph Lamour
All five members of my family are extremely clever, sly, and perceptive. This, while growing up, often led to, err, unique conflict resolution. For instance, my mother would base the menu on which one of her children was behaving the best. If I had cleaned the living room when my brother or sister were supposed to, my mom would include a sweet potato with dinner — which I love and they despise. This silent but clear reward and punishment system has found its way into my adult relationships.
If a boyfriend makes me mad over text for instance, I’ll do that thing where you type in a text so the bubble appears, but never send it. I know I’m being petty, but, sorry to say, it feels so good to do. But why is pettiness so satisfying?
For those who aren’t familiar with the official definition, Oxford dictionary specifies pettiness as “undue concern with trivial matters, especially of a small-minded or spiteful nature.” Also, pettiness can be subtle as opposed to its more obvious relative, revenge. A 2009 social experiment conducted at Harvard and the University of Virginia gathered groups of people to play a financial game. In each group studied, one experimenter was placed specifically to cheat so that the other people playing would notice. The scientists found that when given the opportunity for a no-fault chance at revenge, everyone playing who was cheated took a chance at revenge. "Virtually everybody was angry over what happened to them, and everyone given the opportunity [for revenge] took it,” says Kevin Carlsmith, a social psychologist at Colgate University, about the experiment.
Revenge and pettiness are such common aspects in our interpersonal relationships because they both trigger the law of obligation, says Danny Greeves, a UK-based physiotherapist and behavioural change coach specializing in resolving resentment. This is also known as reciprocity, which is the practice of exchanging things for mutual benefit. “Reciprocity is one of the universal principles which creates automatic, unconscious responses. It is the principle of mutual exchange,” he says. In our evolutionary past, Greeves adds, reciprocity was a vital principle because we relied on other people to assist us through fair exchange in order to do tasks and get basic human needs met.
Francesco Carta fotografo/Moment/Getty ImagesPut more simply, when someone does something for us, we feel an obligation to return the favour. It’s truly just human nature.“The pull of returning the action performed towards us is so strong because it has been crucial to our evolutionary progress,” Greeves adds.
This part of our nature is why we feel rude when we don’t say thank you, mean when we don’t offer something we could share, or guilt when we don’t do something we’re supposed to. And thus, that’s why we feel the need to get back at those who do those same things to us. Although reciprocity in the form of reprisal is a natural response to being slighted, this still doesn’t explain why we feel so good doing it.
“For those who enjoy the game of competition and ‘one-downing’ others, pettiness can be very rewarding. The dopamine centers in the brain can register that act of being petty as a rewarding and ‘to-be-repeated’ behavior,” says Carla Marie, a California-based clinical psychologist. She points to a 2016 study published by Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience which found that simply thinking about retaliatory aggression activates our brain’s reward center.
While you shouldn’t take the study as an indication that you should punch anybody who takes a parking spot from you, it does explain why we feel such pleasure watching other people being petty, as well.
“Some people are intrigued by people being negatively competitive with each other,” Marie says. “Much as some people enjoy witnessing a bully harass others, pettiness battles can be a source of distraction or comedic relief.” This explains so much of our obsession with reality TV, a blatant portal of pettiness.
While commonly seen as a negative trait, there are some folks who see pettiness as a positive one, even boasting about how petty they are on blogs and social media. Pettiness, as expressed in meme culture as of late, has been admired in others and resulted in lighthearted coverage in the media. There was a recent exchange between celebrities Martha Stewart and Chelsea Handler that went viral last week simply because of the sheer pettiness of all parties involved.
Pettiness can be light nature and, for some, a form of interpersonal fun, Marie tells me. But in other contexts, it can be detrimental to our emotional development. “People often resort to pettiness due to a fear of being direct; pettiness is a form of being passive-aggressive and is a defense mechanism common to those with poor emotional intelligence,” Marie says.
Considering I’m Petty LaBelle most of the time, the truth hurts, but speaks to my own family upbringing of indirectly solving conflict, often at the expense of my familial relationships. Taken too far, pettiness can be super hurtful.
“It’s our animalistic pride that wants us to be seen and perceived as being right,” Greeves adds. “It’s much easier to reply with a petty action to balance the scales than it is to engage in a dialogue and find common ground.” Humans focus on slights in our interpersonal human relationships because while they may seem trivial to the offender, the person on the receiving end can see the nugget of truth within. That’s why shade is such a sharply effective expression of contempt — it’s offensive because it’s kind of true.
Though we might laugh at a petty or trivial interaction, such dynamics are often toxic, and are crafted, either consciously or unconsciously, to harm another person’s most vulnerable areas. That’s why pettiness is a tool best saved for the most deserving of moments and not in all of your everyday interactions.
“Although some people enjoy being sarcastic with buddies in a bonding manner, sarcasm in intimate relationships is often highly destructive,” Marie says. “The more vulnerable you are, the more emotionally sensitive you are, the more wounding trivial slights can be.”
Pettiness: what does it mean, signs, reasons, what to do
Pettiness is much more common than it might seem at first glance. It has different manifestations: stinginess, greed, envy, captiousness. Have you ever wondered what pettiness is? How does it manifest itself? Where does it come from, what are the reasons for its appearance? And who are these petty people? How do petty traits manifest themselves in character? This article will help you understand these issues, as well as tell you what to do if you find this unpleasant trait in yourself, your loved ones or work colleagues. Getting rid of pettiness or mitigating its manifestations is not only possible, but necessary, and not only in order to stop annoying others, but first of all for yourself: having stopped fussing over trifles, you can start living a full life and enjoy every day.
What does this mean?
In Ozhegov's explanatory dictionary, the word "petty" is considered in two meanings:
- Giving importance to trifles, trifles. For example, when it comes to character. Petty nature.
- trifling, insignificant, petty. Petty quibbles. Petty quarrels. petty interests.
A petty person is called a person who attaches great importance to insignificant trifles, and something important remains out of his field of vision. Focusing on details makes such a person fuss and worry about trifles. Pettiness can greatly slow him down in achieving success in life, and in general prevents him from enjoying it to the fullest.
For example, excessive obsession with order in the house occupies all the attention of a petty person, he does not notice the psychological problems of his family members. Everyday little things absorb all his time and deprive him of empathy (the ability to share the feelings of another person).
Petty people are capable of poisoning life not only for themselves, but also for those around them. A picky boss can cling to insanity to irrelevant details of the work, forcing it to be redone several times. In family relationships, such a person can harass his soul mate with household trifles or all the time express his dissatisfaction with the minor minor shortcomings of a loved one.
The French lexicographer and poet Pierre Boiste rightly noted:
“Petty people don't move forward. Like a snail, they crawl, looking, stopping, and come across all sorts of objects.
© Pierre Boist
The Russian writer, poet and journalist Alexander Vasilievich Kruglov also made an interesting remark about the trait in question:
"Petitiness is such adherence to principles, when they fight for a penny "out of principle" and by this they prove that it is worthless."
© A.V.
Kruglov
Causes of pettiness
According to the results of psychological research, experts came to the conclusion that pettiness and captiousness are due to two reasons:
- birth of a bad temper in early childhood;
- life circumstances that turned a normal person into a picky tyrant.
At the age of five, the main personality traits are formed if there was an incorrect upbringing, if the child was not appreciated, offended, criticized, humiliated, in adulthood he can shift the blame for his failures to other people and find fault with them over trifles.
Without a doubt, the problem of the educational process can be solved, but no one is immune from life circumstances, they can negatively affect any person. Therefore, it is important to be strong and not let the storms of life turn you into an eternally dissatisfied grumbler. Again, it all depends on the character, where one person will be sad and forget, the other can get stuck and complain about injustice all the time.
Therefore, we can say that pettiness is equally due to the presence of certain traits of a person’s character and the circumstances of life, which, in turn, can form such traits.
Signs and traits of petty people
As for character, pettiness gives rise to excessive sensitivity, therefore such people, as a rule, are touchy and vindictive, for example, if a person was once treated without due attention, did not provide support that he needed in a difficult moment, or was insulted with a cruel joke .
A picky person often pays attention to the minor shortcomings of other people and begins to inflate them, thereby asserting himself.
A petty person is always short of everything, he is dissatisfied with everything and often envious.
Such people like to read notations and show increased unreasonable exactingness, they are often irritable and quick-tempered.
Petty women and men, what are they like?
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12pt;"> Both of them can be characterized by stinginess and envy.
Women often pay attention to how much their acquaintances and friends have, what they bought and at what price. At the same time, they want to acquire either the same or more expensive thing.They do not care about their real financial situation, the main thing is "to be no worse than others."This race for wealth, like others, never ends, poisoning the life of both the woman herself and her loved ones.Greedy men do not differ not only in grand gestures, but also simple acts of showing attention: once again they will not be called to a cafe or cinema, they will not give flowers, and if you need to give a gift, then do not hesitate, it will be practical.0003 -
Rancor is another trait common to both sexes. Years of accumulated grievances will be remembered to you at any opportunity. Apologies won't solve the problem.
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The thinking of petty men is binary: all or nothing. There are no shades, so either white or black, and a woman is either friend or foe.
The behavior of such men is unpredictable, they are suspicious and can find fault with anything, cling to any little thing and make a scandal. -
Petty men and women equally often complain about life and how unfair it is to them.
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Petty women endlessly "saw" their men because of their "shortcomings", while they do not pay attention to their dignity.
What to do if a petty person enters your environment?
To remain calm and not succumb to the mood of a petty person, to be persistent in maintaining a cheerful and positive mood - this is the main strategy of behavior when dealing with such people. No need to focus on the problems that concern a picky person. Minor flaws can be eliminated, but you don’t need to constantly follow the lead of petty people, otherwise you risk falling into this extreme yourself and starting to find fault with trifles, especially if the person is convincing enough or is an authority for you.
Keep a critical mind and don't get fooled by dissatisfied grumbling. It does not need to go to the other extreme and become distracted. There is nothing good in this either: not paying attention to details at all, you can miss something important. The golden mean in everything is what you should strive for.
If a petty person is your loved one, then an attentive attitude and frank, heart-to-heart conversations will help solve this problem. The most important thing in overcoming this unpleasant trait is the desire of the person himself to get rid of it. Therefore, it is necessary to convey to him that, first of all, he himself suffers from pettiness, that it prevents him from living happily and easily. When a person decides to become happy himself and knows that close people support him, the problem will gradually be solved.
A slightly different situation develops if, upon meeting you, you realize that your chosen one (darling) is distinguished by pettiness.
Of course, building relationships in the hope that a person will change is very reckless. To tolerate such an attitude or immediately break off relations with a petty person is up to you, since all situations are very individual. Pettiness in each individual case manifests itself in its own way, and the response to it is different for everyone, and maybe some of your behavior provokes its manifestations.
One thing is certain, if two people love each other wholeheartedly, then sincere and friendly relationships will help them overcome all difficulties, including such an unpleasant trait as pettiness.
Petty person
There are people in the world who are hard to please. Moreover, their discontent is a constant personality trait, and they always cling to spouses, colleagues, neighbors. And one of the latter exclaims in their hearts: “Uuuu! petty person!" This is the one who pesters others. But is the problem of human obsession so simple?
How exactly is "petty" expressed? The definition of this concept is difficult to give straight away, because everyone understands something of their own by “petty”.
A case that seems like a small thing to an outside observer is not so at all for those who are on the front lines.
The wife does not brush crumbs off the table. A trifle? No, when viewed from her husband's point of view. Spouses, on the basis of a dirty table, even daily scandals flare up. It's up to the psychologist. And it turned out that the husband is a visual. People of this type trust primarily their eyes. Example: a person is read aloud, and he cannot really understand the meaning of what he heard, he needs to see the text - he is visual. My wife is kinesthetic. She communicates with the world mainly through feelings, experiences, bodily sensations. And it turns out: these crumbs on the table “scratched” the eyes of the husband, but for the wife it was a trifle. The psychologist, quickly understanding what was the matter, said to the girl: “Now imagine that these crumbs are not on the kitchen table, but in your nightgown.” Problem solved.
Such a long prelude is needed in order to show that “petty” is not always equal to “harmfulness”, sometimes non-illusory resentment is hidden behind offensive obsession.
A petty person is one who constantly finds fault with others. And people who suffer the attacks of the "harm" believe: there is no reason to worry.
About petty people, or How they become unbearable
There are two ways:
Bad character from early childhood. Long gone are the days when children were considered heavenly angels, after Z. Freud it is already difficult to think so. And it's not just about sexual desire (sexuality), which awakens early, but is not recognized by the child until adolescence in its true quality. In the context of the topic, something else is important: in childhood, the foundation of personality is laid (up to 5 years). And sometimes it happens that by this age a person has already been spoiled by parents or the environment (nurses, grandmothers, grandfathers). The child in the future will grow up into a person who blames his parents for all his failures or find fault with them over trifles, reproaching that they did not write the best life scenario for his fate.
Life has turned a joyful person into a petty tyrant. The first way of transformation into someone who is dissatisfied with everything and everything is difficult to prove in practice. Because it is impossible to say with great certainty whether a child is predisposed to petty insults, or whether a person has become so during his life. On the other hand, millions of gloomy people live on earth, who used to exude inner light, and now sad existence has turned them into petty and harmful subjects. The entire human race is at risk. Life can spoil the character of everyone. When a person hears about petty people, he usually grimaces and shakes his head, and in the future joins the ranks of disgruntled fussy people. Life is not deprived of a sense of humor.
"Picky, petty person" - is that a sentence?
Whether we are talking about a serious mental disorder or a “mild indisposition” in the form of a bad character, whatever one may say, a person is a victim. Because he cannot see his shortcomings (exception: psychologists and psychiatrists, but this rule also does not always work).
It was said a little higher: under unfavorable conditions, everyone can become a picky, petty person, so let's focus only on remarkable cases of harmfulness:
A petty boss. Work is 80% of a person's time. It is regrettable, but in order to live, people need to work. Therefore, it is doubly unpleasant when the boss pesters on minor issues. The age-old Russian question: "what to do?" The function of a leader is to encourage subordinates. The boss is afraid that otherwise the employees will not perform their duties. However, conflicts at work with the boss are not such a trifling thing. In this case, unfortunately, there is only one way out - to change jobs. As a rule, it is impossible to have a heart-to-heart talk with the leader and ask him, as a relative or friend: “what is bothering you?”.
Petty husband. If the spouse suddenly abruptly changed his character and finds fault with trifles, then something is wrong in the Danish kingdom. In this case, unlike problems at work, you can call the disgruntled party to a frank conversation and ask what's wrong.
The relationship between husband and wife usually changes a lot when the first child arrives. The reasons are known: the husband is not given as much attention as before, he gets angry and takes out the accumulated aggression not directly, but indirectly - in everyday life. A man, if he is sane, understands that he is behaving immaturely, but the nature of emotions is such that they cannot be dealt with at the moment of their occurrence.
Constantly clinging parents. In a situation of hidden or obvious conflict with parents, you should also not believe your eyes. Parents may be offended by their grown child for not living up to their expectations. In some cases, pettiness arises as a result of a clash of opposing ideas about the structure of life: the mother wants the child (no matter how old he is) to put the towel back, and the child forgets, which makes the mother very nervous. Do not rush and say: “Empty! Is that a problem?!"
A picky petty person is not a sentence. But only if the person himself suffers from his temper directly or indirectly.
I don't want to remind you, but evil people live in the world and they like to torture others. If a person recognizes a mental sadist in his parents, sexual partner or boss, then there is only one way out - to run and not look back from his ancestors, bedmate and boss.
What is a petty person? One who needs sympathy
The world is not without evil people. You can't argue here. But in most cases, the grumbling of the neighbor is based on psychological problems. The task of those who are not indifferent: to help a person get rid of the inner bile and let the light into himself. How to do it?
Straight talk. People don't trust words. Too much noise around. But sincere communication between people is a luxury that is still available to everyone. If people could talk to each other without hiding behind masks, then many problems in the family or at work would not arise. But they are afraid. Fear remains the main human emotion.
Attentive attitude to the "petty person".
