React try not to laugh

This article is written for you guys based on a true story that my student shared with me. This is a very typical "scenario" of school bullying (mobbing), since I have heard similar stories more than once from children and parents. And the mistakes the boy made. also very typical. And I don’t want you to repeat his mistakes, so I tell you this story and offer options for behavior in a situation of school bullying.

A familiar situation

The family moved to a new area of ​​the city, and Serezha had to change schools. The teenager entered a new class and immediately became the object of special attention from classmates. At first they just looked at him, "sniffed", and then began to test his stamina: they laughed behind his back, joked about him, publicly bullied and insulted him. Classmates were annoyed by absolutely everything in Sergey:

• they didn't like the way he dresses;
• they were annoyed by his earring and too long bangs;
• they didn't like the music he listened to;
• they didn't like the picture on his backpack;
• they didn't like that he raised his hand in class and the teachers praised him.

It seemed to the guys that he was "cockereling", "exhibiting", but in fact, Serezha was just himself - the way he always was. And he wasn't going to change. Actions followed after prompting and verbal skirmishes: classmates hid Sergei's notebooks, tore up a piece of paper with a test, threw a backpack out of the window, tripped him up, and when he fell, he broke his eyebrow. nine0003

The teenager thought that everything would be fine and began to endure the attacks of classmates, although from time to time he snapped. He became withdrawn and taciturn. Coming from school, he increasingly locked himself in the room and did not leave for a long time. To all the parents' questions about "new friends", the boy answered in monosyllables: "Everything is fine." But in fact, the situation worsened - his feelings and inner fear fettered his will, did not allow him to calmly and freely answer in class, walk during breaks, go without looking into the wardrobe or into the sports locker room. Sergei began to realize that he no longer wanted to go to school and began to skip classes - he hung out on the streets and sat in the park on a fine day. One day he met some classmates who were truant. The boys began to insult him, and he answered them. Word for word... A fight broke out, but the police arrived. When this case was analyzed at school, the boys said that Sergei "always starts everything himself." Classmates confirmed that Sergei often rushes at them "out of the blue." The teacher, who knew how a newcomer was treated in the class, did not take Sergey's side, and to the director's question about the boy's behavior in the class, she replied: "He can be strange ... You don't know what to expect from him." The director called Seryozha's parents to school and told them about her son's behavior. At home, the parents “added”: “If they climb on you, it means that you provoke them yourself. You yourself are to blame for everything! They can't fool so many people." The boy did not consider it necessary to justify himself. He was just tired and didn't know what to do. At that time, it seemed to Sergei that the whole world turned against him... The only person who helped him in this critical situation was his classmate. All these months she felt sorry for him, but in class she was afraid to express sympathy and give him her support, so as not to turn into an outcast herself. But she told her mother the story of the fight. Mom started asking her about how all this time the guys in the class treated the "newbie". When it turned out that he was being bullied and bullied, the girl's mother called Sergei's parents and told them everything. The situation went too far, and they decided to transfer Serezha to another school. But the boy no longer wanted to leave his tormentors, as he put up with violence. By his own admission, he was afraid that everything would repeat itself in the new school, and in this school he already knew what to expect from classmates. Such behavior testified to the "psychological trauma" he had received. In psychology, this painful dependence on their tormentors is called the "Stockholm Syndrome", when a person submits to the oppressor and even begins to sympathize with him. And the saddest thing is that Sergei resigned himself to the fact that he is a victim and accepted this new "status". nine0003

If Sergey had turned to his parents or teachers for help in time, then it would have been possible to stop bullying at a very early stage. And if he himself had information about how to behave in such a situation, then perhaps such serious consequences for his psyche could have been avoided. And I am very sorry that I learned this story when he had already transferred to another school and even started going to a psychologist to overcome his fear of the unknown. What would I advise Sergei if he told me about what happened in the first days and weeks of study at a new school. nine0003

****

What our hero faced is called in psychology school mobbing . School mobbing is a kind of emotional abuse, when suddenly a class or a large part of the class takes up arms against some classmate / classmate and starts to poison them. The purpose of this psychological harassment is to force them to obey the leading group and its laws, or to force them to leave the class. Those who poison are called mobbers. The word is beautiful, but it does not decorate them at all. Those who are being bullied are usually called “victims” in psychology, but this is not entirely true either. Until the person himself decides that he is a "victim", he will not become a victim. nine0003

The psychological terror of one person against another is called bullying. Bullying is also common in the school world, as it is associated with the struggle for leadership: the “hero” or “heroine” of the class is afraid of losing the leadership position, and therefore is afraid of competition from the “newcomer”. The means to achieve the goal in mobbing/bullying are:

• spreading rumors;
• intimidation;
• isolation/boycott;
• verbal abuse; nine0094
• damage to personal belongings of the “victim”;
• social media harassment;
• dissemination of false information through social networks;
• humiliation and physical abuse.

It may seem to you that it all looks like a computer game - "catching up and knocking out", but it is much more difficult than a game - this is life, or rather, a "rehearsal" of adult life, in which often one person or a group of people strives to subdue a person to his will and deprive him of freedom of choice and freedom of speech. It is not always possible for adults to figure out this difficult situation alone. That is why in a situation of mobbing/bullying you cannot do without the support of friends and trusted adults. Without this support, you can easily not move to the next "level". Situations of mobbing and bullying are the very situations when, in fact, "one man is not a warrior." nine0003

Psychologists say that almost always the “newcomer” is chosen by the majority of the class (mobbing) or by some classmate (bullying) as a victim - he is a “stranger” and he is, as it were, tested for strength or “weak”. But not only “newcomers” suffer from cruel school mobbing / bullying. According to statistics, teenagers are most often subjected to mobbing or bullying:

• children with facial, visual, hearing defects;
• very tall or very small guys, the "youngest" ones; nine0094
• children with defects in movement, speech, etc.;
• fat or very thin guys;
• those who stand out for their good studies and exemplary behavior;
• those who find it difficult to study;
• those who are disliked by teachers and those who walk in "favorites";
• those who do not know Russian well enough;
• those who are distinguished by their style of dress, hairstyle, piercings, tattoos, etc.
• those who have vacationed with their parents on exotic islands and those whose parents cannot afford it; nine0094
• children with increased emotionality;
• reserved and unsociable children and adolescents.

Are you surprised that I have listed almost everyone you have ever met in your life? Then you will be even more surprised when you find out that any person at any age, in any position and in any team, in any country of the world can be in a mobbing situation. Mobbing is a global socio-psychological disease of society, against which special laws help to fight in the USA and Western Europe. Psychologists believe that any person can be bullied if he is "one of his own", from his own environment, but at the same time at least something different from "their own". Pay attention to the phrase "may be exposed"! It is not at all necessary that this will happen, but one must be prepared for this! nine0003

My advice can help those students who are about to move to a new class, and they can be useful for those who feel that for some reason the attitude towards them in their class has suddenly changed for the worse.

Advice for students entering a new class:

• You should know that this can happen, but you don't have to be afraid of it. Just look at this situation as a new role that you have to play. Even wondering how you will cope with it? nine0094
• Before you go to school, gather your thoughts and think about what a worthy and good person you are, remember the things for which you were praised or that you yourself were proud of sometime. Think well of yourself.
• One evening list in your thoughts (or write on paper) all your virtues and achievements (in sports, in computer games, in reading, helping friends and animals), even the most seemingly insignificant ones (cleaned the room, fed the hamster, did not step on the snail, helped the spider get out of the bathroom). nine0094
• Remember why you were loved/disliked by classmates in the previous class, and try to draw conclusions about what you should or should not do/say in the new class. For example, never gossip, don't join groups, and don't create groups yourself.
• Be prepared to be alone for a while. But you don't have to worry about your loneliness. Ancient Greek philosopher at the beginning of the 1st century. BC. Hekaton of Rhodes said: “You will ask what I have achieved? He became his own friend!", and the Roman philosopher Seneca added to this: "He has achieved a lot, because now he will never be alone. And know: such a person will be a friend to everyone. In other words, know how to be alone with yourself, know how to occupy yourself, become interesting to yourself, and then other people will also become interested in you over time. nine0094
• Don't look at your phone all the time, don't wait for SMS. After all, you are waiting for confirmation that you have been accepted into the group, that you are part of the whole. Such a feature of your age is that you need to identify yourself through belonging to any group. You cannot understand who you are until you look at yourself through the eyes of your peers and are convinced of your similarity. If you understand that this is just such an age-related psychological phenomenon, then perhaps it will become easier for you, and you will not strive to join the group in order to understand and accept yourself as you are. nine0094
• And if they don't want to accept you into their circle, don't be afraid to get bad news. You can live perfectly well without their approval and confirmation. You can remain yourself and sooner or later you will be rewarded for your perseverance. You don't have to sacrifice habits and freedom to please someone who considers himself the "elite" of the class. By showing an independent character, you will immediately arouse their respect and interest in yourself. Remember that the world does not end with this group of guys. You can always leave school and quickly forget their faces. So why should you feel dependent on their opinion, which is as fickle as the weather? nine0094
• Don't try to please those who like you but don't accept you. This is a bad business. Don't try to flatter or play along with them. Even if they accept you, they will still laugh and gossip behind your back. The loss of self-esteem and independence is too high a price to pay for being on errands for some arrogant guy or girl. Let them become interested in you and begin to solve you like a riddle. And for this, be mysterious, laconic, be inaccessible to many. And stay calm and unruffled in any situation. nine0094
• Walk with a straight back and look into the eyes of your offenders. Even a wild animal in the forest can be confused by a glance. Don't take your eyes off.
• Put on a mask of indifference and do not react to injections and mocking remarks addressed to you. Let it be their problem - to piss you off. They will become more and more infuriated that they failed to catch your resentment like a wave in surfing. But when they start to hit hard, you can, looking into your eyes and straightening your back, say in a low voice: "You will do / say this again and you will see what will happen." Or you can just send the offender away. And, in the end, you can use force, but only by evaluating your capabilities and the alignment of forces. And do not feel fear at the same time, do not feel like a victim. Fear is transmitted to offenders. They need your fear like bees need nectar. nine0094
• Remember that outside the walls of the school there is a big world in which you can take an important place. Find a job you love outside of school. For example, take up sports or music, develop scenarios for computer games, or volunteer work. An enthusiastic person always commands respect, and the class will understand that for you the light has not converged on your relationship, and outside the school you are important to someone, you have other interests and a different social circle.
• Be humble, try not to stand out too much with your appearance. Don't brag, don't show off new "gadgets" or a new phone. These recommendations do not mean that you should turn into a "gray mouse". Some people will never succeed at all, but being able to fit into a new team is an art and, if you like, a game. Try it, but don't give up on yourself, on your habits and style. nine0094
• While you learn the rules of the game, you should listen more than talk, look closely at everything and everyone, and for this you need to be, as it were, in your personal refuge, without attracting too much attention to yourself. But do not confuse this position with fear when you want to fall into a hole so that you will not be noticed and offended once again.
• Try to be friendly and even with everyone. Ask for advice from those who love to give it, and help those who you think need it. Try to analyze the relationships in the class. In the evening, before going to bed, do a “revision” (as those who practice martial arts call it). Lie down and remember what happened during the day at school. Who is friends with whom, who dislikes whom, what groups there are and what kind of relationship they have with each other. Remember the remarks, snippets of phrases, views. This is also communication - communication, but non-verbal, that is, without words. Estimate who could maintain normal relations with you, who has already supported you with a look or a gesture. nine0094
• Don't impose your company, but don't walk around alone. If there is someone in the new class who shows interest in you, communicate with him more often. Do not get involved in friendship if they do not want to accept you into their circle. You can do without friends in class, for that matter. You are a unique individual. You have your own circle of interests, and you yourself can create a circle of friends and like-minded people if you only want to. And it is not at all necessary that these will be your classmates.
• From the very first lessons at your new school, don't let the teachers be rude to you. Try to answer them politely, but firmly, so that they understand that you did not like their statement. You can talk to adults if they are wrong, like this: “You don’t need to talk to me like that. I ask you not to address me like that. Please don't be rude to me. You have no right to talk to students like that. There is a Declaration of the Rights of the Child, which talks about protecting the rights and dignity of children. You are breaking the law." If you do this after the first attack on you, then you may stop other attempts to insult you. If you stand up for yourself in front of students who are used to enduring the teacher’s rude treatment, then the attitude in the class towards you will change for the better. Not every child can stand up for himself, so you will surely arouse respect and even a feeling of gratitude in one of your classmates. nine0094
• Perhaps your help will also be needed by one of your classmates, whom the teacher has chosen as a "scapegoat" and is constantly hammering. Read wonderful books in which your peers, who themselves are emotionally abused, stand up for those who are even worse off than they are - the weak and disadvantaged. These books provide an excellent example of how, by saving another, you can save yourself and even turn the tide by gaining respect from your persecutors. I recommend reading David Almond's book Fire Eaters (10+) and Sally Gardner's dystopia Worm Moon (13+). nine0094

Let's go back to the situation with Sergey .

Our hero should have been alerted by the first signs of mobbing, when classmates

• laughed behind his back;
• made cruel jokes about him in front of everyone;
• words hurt his appearance.

Sergei should have rebuffed them immediately. And he thought that everything would end by itself if he let all these insults fall on deaf ears, but the mobbing rolled on him like a snowball from a hill. Classmates felt that he did not answer them not because of inner strength, but because of his fear and weakness. He wanted to be invisible so that he would not be touched. And a person who tries to be invisible immediately attracts attention. Sergei could have prevented the persecution from continuing if he had immediately reacted to the first signs of mobbing. It is very important to make it clear, as the world of wildlife, that you are not to be trifled with. But then you can already walk around with feigned indifference, occasionally snarling or calmly answering something like this: “That's your opinion. It doesn't interest me. Think as you wish. Doesn't touch me." And you need to lead your role without interruptions for tears and resentment. And Sergey endured until:

• spoiled his things, hid his notebooks, threw his bag out the window;
• publicly bullied and insulted in order to provoke him into a response;
• finally achieved that he could not stand it and rushed into the fray;
• during the analysis of the situation with the school administration, he was accused of aggressive behavior and that he "always starts first. "

Think about what else Seryozha could do to turn the tide. I've been thinking about this and I suggest

advice for those who are entering a new class or feeling a change in attitude towards themselves in their class:

• (mobbing). Reread before going to bed and add what you experienced during the day. Be sure to remember and write down your reaction to the actions of your classmates! Put dates before each entry. Never wear these records to school. Mobbing is very hard to prove. If you have a diary with entries about what happened to you, then adults who do not always want to deal with teenage conflicts will have to take action. nine0094
• Fight back immediately and don't wait for the situation to develop. Let them understand from the very first time that they cannot do this to you.
• Never consider yourself a victim. Don't feel sorry for yourself! Remember: what happens is not your fault. This can happen to anyone and at any age. But you should definitely think about the fact that this happened because of which the attitude of your classmates, with whom you have been studying for more than a year, has suddenly changed. Analyze the moment when everything went wrong. Try to fix the situation. Have a good one-on-one talk with those or those with whom you have tension in a relationship. If you see aggression, then don't run into it, but just leave and start ignoring the aggressor. Believe me - ignoring very often hurts those who are trying to get to you and find your weak spot. nine0094
• Look closely at your classmates, and you will see among them those or someone who does not participate in your persecution, who, perhaps, even silently expresses sympathy for you. Talk to him, try to make friends. If you see a person in the class who is also being mobbed or bullied, try to cheer him up and give him moral support. If there are already two or three of you, then the mobbers may retreat.
• Whatever happens to you, try to be calm and even in all your manifestations. Feel your inner strength, which is given to every person. How do you know that you have it? Have you ever run in the dark? If yes, then you remember that you did not fall then, but ran even faster than during the day. You were carried by your inner strength. nine0094
• Think well of yourself. It is passed on to other people. Look at yourself in the mirror with pleasure. Smile and.. become your friend))).
• The mirror will also help you to rehearse response lines. I propose such an exercise in front of the mirror: stand straight, raise your chin, look into your eyes, speak more quietly and lower the timbre of your voice. Feel your inner strength and confidence, and for this you need to be collected and internally fit. And remember - they need something from you, you don't need them, so you can tell them about it and send them away. nine0094
• Don't lose your temper - that's what mobbers are waiting for. Maintain your self-respect. No offense! “They carry water on the offended,” people say. It is difficult, but possible, especially if you have your own world outside of school, and you know that not all relationships are limited to the classroom.
• Do not fall for the changed attitude towards you. If they suddenly start to praise you and climb into your friendship. who recently despised you, then try to understand what they need from you. Very often, such an attempt to make friends is followed by a “set-up”. They want you to relax and stop being defensive in order to strike. This strategy is often used by girls: don't be friends - then make friends and find out secrets - then again don't be friends and betray. Remember the fable of I.A. Krylov about the crow and the fox. "Darling, how pretty!" Flattery can overshadow the mind. If you treat all manifestations of sympathy that has suddenly arisen for you with a certain amount of distrust and suspicion, this can save you from bitter disappointment. And if this happens - you fall for flattery - then there will be no one to blame but yourself. nine0094
• When you realize that nothing helps and only gets worse, turn to those adults (parents, teachers, school principal, school psychologist) you trust for help. BUT this must be done on time, i.e. before you are provoked into a fight and then accused of all mortal sins. Be sure to read your notes to adults! They will help you "remember everything" and prove that the persecution by classmates was long and thoughtful, and this is mobbing. nine0094
• Don't be afraid to talk about your problems - this is not denunciation or snitching. Don't be afraid to tell, even if you blame yourself for something. And call a spade a spade - tell the teacher, psychologist, director and parents that you are being mobbed by classmates / classmate and show your notes. This is the only way to save yourself from psychological trauma, which can remind you of yourself even when you are transferred to another school.
• Remember that mobbing is the problem of those who offend you. They have some complexes and grievances that they are trying to take out on you. It's just that now you've got their hands on it. If you don't let yourself get hurt, they will find someone else. And then the majority of the indifferent who do not support you in the class are simply afraid to be "on the new one" - "scapegoat" or "black sheep". Turning to adults for help, you may save your mobbers: having not received a rebuff in their youth, they will certainly continue their attack on the weak or "others" who are not like them in adulthood. And who knows how it will end for them and for their new "victims"? In any case, this will already be a problem for society, since mobbing is a common social phenomenon. But for now, this is still a problem of the school, whose administration is obliged to stop school mobbing/bullying. Your task is to use your knowledge of mobbing and bullying in a conversation with the school administration.
• Let your parents (relative adults or just adult friends) help you. To do this, you need to tell them what happens to you at school. Do not bring the story to that "dead end" in which the hero Familiar Situation found himself. If he kept a diary and wrote down everything that happened to him every day, then it would be easier for him to prove his case. If he had told his parents from the very beginning that he was being pestered in class, then his parents would have taken his side. But Sergei still has a way out. The guy can be transferred to another class, another school. Parents often do this when they realize that the child is no longer paying attention to learning, as he is immersed in experiences about "why he is not loved in the class." In a conversation with parents, do not forget to use your knowledge of mobbing and bullying. Tell them that in many countries around the world there are laws that prohibit harassing people at school/college/work just because they are "different" or someone doesn't like them. nine0094
• If you ask your parents to transfer to another school, and for some reason they refuse to do so, give them the following argument: the psychological term "burnout" is physical and emotional exhaustion that leads to various psychological diseases that develop not immediately, but accumulate and manifest themselves in serious nervous breakdowns.

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