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Narcissism | Psychology Today

Reviewed by Psychology Today Staff

Narcissists have a prominent place in the popular imagination, and the label "narcissist" is widely deployed to refer to people who appear too full of themselves. There's also a growing sense that narcissism is on the rise around the world, especially among young people, although most psychological research does not support that notion.

Narcissism is properly viewed on a spectrum. The trait is normally distributed in the population, with most people scoring near the middle, and a few at either extreme. The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), developed by Robert Raskin and Calvin S. Hall in 1979, is the most commonly used measure of the trait. Scores range from 0 to 40, with the average tending to fall in the low to mid-teens. Healthy individuals who score somewhat higher may be perceived as exceedingly charming, especially on the first encounter, but eventually come across as vain. Such individuals may have awkward or stressful personal encounters but still have a fundamentally healthy personality.

The Traits of Narcissism
How to Handle a Narcissist
Narcissism in Relationships

The Traits of Narcissism

It’s easy to describe someone who spends a bit too much time talking about her career or who never seems to doubt himself as a narcissist, but the trait is more complicated than that. Narcissism does not necessarily represent a surplus of self-esteem or of insecurity; more accurately, it encompasses a hunger for appreciation or admiration, a desire to be the center of attention, and an expectation of special treatment reflecting perceived higher status. Interestingly, research finds, many highly narcissistic people often readily admit to an awareness that they are more self-centered. A high level of narcissism, not surprisingly, can be damaging in romantic, familial, or professional relationships.

How do I spot a narcissist?

Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment. If you encounter someone who consistently exhibits these behaviors, you may be dealing with a highly narcissistic individual.

What’s the difference between narcissism and pathological narcissism?

Pathological narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, is rare: It affects an estimated 1 percent of the population, a prevalence that hasn't changed since clinicians started measuring it. The disorder is suspected when narcissistic traits impair a person’s daily functioning. That dysfunction typically causes friction in relationships due to the pathological narcissist's lack of empathy. It may also manifest as antagonism, fueled by grandiosity and attention-seeking. In seeing themselves as superior, the pathological narcissist naturally views everyone else as inferior and may be intolerant of disagreement or questioning.

Do narcissists know that they are narcissists?

If you wonder whether someone is a narcissist, it might be best just to ask them. It’s generally assumed that people either don’t realize that they are narcissists, or deny it to avoid a challenge to their identity. But in research using the so-called Single-Item Narcissism Scale, people who answered affirmatively to the single question, “Are you a narcissist?” were far more likely than others to score highly on narcissism on the 40-question Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

Are there any benefits to being narcissistic?

Research has discovered some benefits in relatively high but subclinical narcissism, such as increased mental toughness (performing well in high-pressure situations) and higher achievement in school and on the job. A heightened sense of self-worth may also make a person more motivated and assertive than others. Other research has linked narcissism to a lower incidence of depression.

Is my boss a narcissist?

A narcissistic boss places getting ahead over getting along, which means they’re often uncollaborative, arrogant, and argumentative, and myopically focused on becoming “the winner.” Narcissistic bosses take all the credit for successes and lash out at those who do not demonstrate loyalty. These tendencies and others indicate that you may be dealing with a narcissistic boss.

How to Handle a Narcissist

Navigating a relationship with a narcissist can be deeply frustrating and distressing. In their quest for control and admiration, narcissistic people may manipulate and exploit others, damaging their self-esteem and even aiming to alter their sense of reality. Arguing with a narcissist about their action often proves fruitless. A more successful solution is to establish boundaries and emotionally distance yourself. Recognize that you may not be able to control your feelings about a person, but you can control how you respond to them. Cutting ties with a narcissistic partner, family member, or boss may eventually be the best if not the only solution. In that process, it's helpful to reflect on the characteristics of the individual to avoid finding oneself in similar scenarios in the future.

What are the strategies to handle a narcissist?

Acknowledging your frustration, appreciating where the behavior comes from, and refusing to lose your own sense of purpose when a narcissist takes center stage are key strategies, among others. Researchers who classify narcissists as either vulnerable or grandiose argue that specific approaches are warranted for each type.

How do I deal with a narcissistic boss?

Manage your expectations, align your successes with your boss’s, draw boundaries, and don’t try to argue, justify, or explain yourself. These and other tactics can help you navigate a narcissist in the workplace.

Are narcissists successful leaders?

Narcissists tend to have an intense drive for power, attention, and affirmation, which may benefit them in campaigns for corporate management or political leadership. Once in charge, though, they may focus more on self-promotion and the suppression of opposition than advancing an organization’s goals and their lack of empathy fosters little loyalty.

Narcissism in Relationships

A narcissist's desire to elicit admiration and praise, especially from potential romantic partners, often makes them charming and charismatic, traits that can rapidly ignite a romance. But their inherent deficit of empathy may prevent them from understanding a partner's inner world and establishing a fulfilling long-term relationship.

It's nearly impossible for people with narcissistic personality disorder to truly fall in love and build a trusting, equal partnership. Such an individual may seek to establish strict rules in a relationship and attempt to isolate a new partner from friends and family, among other disturbing behaviors.

Why do narcissists make such a good first impression?

Research suggests that people may initially be drawn to narcissists because they seem to possess stronger self-esteem than they really do, a trait that people often appreciate.

Can narcissists fall in love?

Narcissists may show passion and charm in the early stages of dating. But for most narcissists, relationships are transactional. They provide positive attention and sexual satisfaction to bolster a narcissist’s ego and self-esteem. The objective is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure, and most narcissists lose interest in the relationship as the expectation for intimacy increases or they feel that they’ve conquered the challenge of securing a relationship.

Do narcissists have more hookups than other people?

From an evolutionary perspective, it has been theorized that, at least in the realm of mating, narcissism may serve an adaptive function: increased success in short-term mating. Cross-cultural research has found that narcissists tend to have higher levels of sociosexuality: They are more interested in short-term relationships or hookups, and more likely to pursue partners who are already in committed relationships.

What’s the difference between selfishness and narcissism in a relationship?

Narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare—there are many more people who are simply selfish. The difference lies in whether the person is periodically mean and self-centered or whether they consistently lack empathy.

Essential Reads

Narcissistic Personality Disorder | Psychology Today

Reviewed by Psychology Today Staff

The hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also have grandiose fantasies and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

People with NPD often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way, which can enhance their own self-esteem. They tend to seek excessive admiration and attention and have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat.

Although NPD is a difficult disorder to treat, therapy can help those with the condition develop their sense of self and their relationships.

NPD refers to the diagnosable mental disorder, while the term "narcissism" is a trait that ranges in degree from person to person.

Symptoms
Causes
Treatment

Symptoms

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, according to the DSM-5, exhibit five or more of the following, which are present by early adulthood and across contexts:

A grandiose sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
A need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
Exploitation of others
A lack of empathy
Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
Arrogant, haughty behavior, or attitudes

Individuals with NPD can be easily stung by criticism or defeat and may react with disdain or anger—but social withdrawal or the false appearance of humility may also follow according to the DSM-5.

A sense of entitlement, disregard for other people, and other aspects of NPD can damage relationships. While a person with NPD may be a high-achiever, the personality disorder can also have a negative impact on performance (due to, for instance, one's sensitivity to criticism).

Researchers have reported associations between NPD and high rates of substance abuse, mood, and anxiety disorders. These may be attributable to characteristics such as impulsivity and the increased experience of shame in people with NPD.

The presence of narcissistic traits in adolescence does not necessarily imply that a person will have NPD as an adult.

What are the different types of narcissism?

There are two types of narcissism: grandiose (or overt) and vulnerable (or covert). Grandiose narcissism is marked by extroversion, self-confidence, attention seeking, and aggression. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by introversion, high sensitivity, negative emotions, and a need for constant recognition and reassurance. A unifying theme of all forms of narcissistic personality disorder is self-enhancement, the belief that one’s thoughts and actions set them apart from others.

At what point does narcissism become a disorder?

The term “narcissist” has become culturally entrenched, and the label is sometimes overused. The trait occurs on a spectrum, and it’s healthy for people to have a small dose of narcissism—it provides confidence to forge relationships, explore life, and take risks. Narcissism only becomes a disorder when it impairs a person’s daily life, through their relationships, sense of self, occupation, or legal standing.

Which mental disorders tend to co-occur with narcissistic personality disorder?

Antisocial personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, and substance use disorders tend to overlap more frequently with grandiose narcissism, while depression, anxiety, and self-harm tend to co-occur with vulnerable narcissism, research suggests. However, not everyone with narcissistic personality disorder has other conditions.

Causes

Causes of narcissistic personality disorder are not yet well-understood, but biological and environmental factors both play a role.

In addition to the genetic roots of the disorder, research suggests that early experiences—such as parenting styles and social and cultural environments—also influence the course of the disorder. For example, narcissism is higher among individualistic cultures than collective ones, and competitive environments like New York more than non-competitive environments like Iowa.

In terms of parenting, focusing intensely on competition and success can breed narcissism, while warmth, affection, and expecting children to simply try their best can foster healthy development.

How common is narcissistic personality disorder?

The prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder is estimated to be between 1 and 5 percent, research suggests. The disorder manifests more frequently among men and among younger people.

Has narcissism increased over time?

There’s debate as to whether narcissism as a trait or disorder has increased over time. Some research suggests that the disorder has remained stable while the trait has risen, but cross-generational comparisons may not be reliable; technology, society, and social norms have all changed.

On an individual level, research shows that people are generally more narcissistic when they’re younger—in adolescence and young adulthood—and that they become less narcissistic as they get older.

When does narcissism develop?

Some research suggests that narcissistic traits begin to emerge around age 8, as children are developing their sense of self. However, the identity may still be forming, and displaying signs of narcissism in adolescence doesn’t necessarily signal the development of a personality disorder, according to the DSM-5.

Treatment

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging because people with this condition have a great deal of grandiosity and defensiveness, which makes it difficult for them to acknowledge problems and vulnerabilities.

Even though change is difficult, it’s not impossible. A key is to find a therapist who is trained to work with patients who have narcissistic personality disorder.

Therapy can help people with narcissistic personality disorder learn to relate to themselves and others in a more compassionate way. By exploring their experience, developing the therapeutic relationship, and continually focusing patients on relationships, community, and connection, narcissists can develop a healthier sense of self, and with it, healthier relationships with others.

How does therapy treat narcissistic personality disorder?

Successful therapy for narcissistic personality disorder includes a series of steps, including helping patients to find relief from immediate distress, recognize unhealthy coping mechanisms, develop new coping skills, unpack childhood experiences, learn to empathize with themselves, and eventually learn to empathize with others and live authentically.

References

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition

U.S. National Library of Medicine

Caligor, E., Levy, K. N., & Yeomans, F. E. (2015). Narcissistic personality disorder: diagnostic and clinical challenges. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 415-422.

Kacel, E. L., Ennis, N., & Pereira, D. B. (2017). Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Clinical Health Psychology Practice: Case Studies of Comorbid Psychological Distress and Life-Limiting Illness. Behavioral Medicine, 43(3), 156-164

Last updated: 01/06/2022

The psychology of narcissism and its features

The term narcissism appeared in psychology quite a long time ago, in the time of Z. Freud, and got its name from the mythological youth Narcissus, who was in love with his reflection in the water and died unable to take his eyes off his reflection . He never managed to love anyone but himself. Despite what has been known about narcissism for so long, there are still quite a few narcissists in the modern world, and we still encounter them in our family, at work, among friends, and we can also notice signs of narcissism in ourselves. nine0005

Narcissists are people who look arrogant, present themselves as having exclusive rights, demanding special treatment, but at the same time inside they are very insecure, vulnerable people with incredibly fragile self-esteem. This amazingly coexists in one person. Grandiosity and uncertainty coexist in one person when grandiosity, arrogance are protective formations, that is, in fact, a person does not feel his greatness and even his value, he feels insecure, insignificant and tries to feel better by showing only achievements and various attributes of its exclusivity. When we deal with a person with such problems, we may assume that he has narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. nine0005

The main problem of the narcissist is that he does not really feel significant, good, deserving of love, he constantly needs to achieve something special, “increase” his significance, confirm exclusivity, stand out from other people, otherwise he feels very bad. This can be expressed in the fact that he will reach more and more heights, but he cannot feel pleasure from this, there is only temporary satisfaction and then again emptiness and everything must be repeated again and again. Even a little criticism from outside can dilute their sense of satisfaction from what they have done, comparison with others can destroy their own significance with incredible ease. Not always the achievements that the narcissist talks about are real achievements, sometimes it's just bragging from scratch, so strong is his need to seem more significant than he is. nine0005

The causes of such problems lie in early childhood. One of them is when, in a relationship with a mother, a child does not receive the support, understanding and love he needs, and not finding such an understanding and loving person and not learning to love from him, he gives up trying to find this love from another person and redirects his love to himself. . He seems to be saying: “Well, then I don’t need anyone, I will love myself. ” But in fact, it is quite difficult to give up the desire to have loving and understanding parents, a person still needs good, idealized parents, but since real parents did not justify his trust, as if they betrayed him, a person in return unconsciously forms an ideal image in his psyche, an ideal self-image (ideal version of a person) to which it aspires. From this comes the unconscious desire for achievement, greatness, grandiosity. nine0005

The second reason also comes from childhood - it occurs when a small child is given tasks about achievements, they decide what he should achieve, without taking into account his abilities, desires and needs, the child's individuality is ignored, it seems to him that he will be loved only for certain achievements . Such a child is for his parents their narcissistic continuation, very often the child is told that he needs to achieve what the parent could not, or his achievements are boasted to other people. In such a situation, the child develops a false self, a false idea of himself, he does not know what he really is, and, as an adult, he also continues to follow parental attitudes, essentially living a life that is not his own. nine0005

Such neglect of the child's personality hurts him very deeply, sometimes so much that it is no longer possible to build normal relationships with other people, on an unconscious level, relationships are a great danger for him, people are felt as unreliable, capable only of betrayal, use and lies. Sometimes narcissists cannot build an ideal image even in themselves, they can only idealize the bad, because there was so little good that it was not possible to keep it in the psyche. In this case, we will be surprised when faced with such a narcissist, why is he so aggressive, angry, why is he destroying himself and everything around. nine0005

If, nevertheless, relations with narcissists develop, then it is not easy with them, because of their childish resentment and unconscious attitude to love themselves and not need other people, it can be difficult for a narcissist to form warm, mutual relationships. In a relationship, he is looking for a person who will reflect him, admire him. He needs mirror people or people who have status in society or are admired. He needs them to emphasize his significance and greatness. It often happens that a narcissist chooses a person for external data or other successes and is not able to notice, appreciate his inner world and his feelings. This can hurt his spouse or partner very much. Some narcissists are lonely because they can't find the perfect person to suit them, or they can't let someone close enough to them without feeling uncomfortable. Unconsciously, they do not allow themselves to need anyone. nine0005

Many narcissists are interesting, successful and even talented people, but from time to time their loved ones will notice that they are being manipulated, the narcissist uses them for his own purposes. It can sometimes just be felt when, in dealing with a narcissist, you lose a sense of self-confidence and it seems that all your successes and dignity do not matter. It is very difficult for a narcissist to succeed and be superior to other people, their self-esteem drops greatly in such cases, and in order to restore their self-esteem they need to devalue the successes and achievements of those they envy. Narcissists tend to be jealous and often feel ashamed, the worst of which is because of their imperfection. If the narcissist's self-esteem is severely hurt, then narcissistic rage, anger and hatred of incredible strength can be encountered. nine0005

The extreme degree of narcissistic disorder is a serious problem, it is very difficult to face egocentrism, devaluation, manipulation, narcissistic rage and remain calm, not react emotionally. Only understanding the essence of narcissistic problems can help us maintain a sense of self-control, seek warm, human contact with narcissists, “break through” to their vulnerable soul through the armor of arrogance, grandiosity and rage. It is important not to shame the narcissist, not to reproach him, he suffers shame very painfully, but to carefully touch his feelings, the feelings of a child who was ignored, not loved or used, to build new trusting relationships in which you do not need to defend yourself, and this is not an easy task for both close people of a person with narcissistic problems, and for a psychologist in the framework of psychotherapeutic tasks. nine0005

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Narcissists: who they are, signs of narcissism, rules of conduct

The article was checked and commented by clinical psychologist and scientific researcher Christina Andreyuk.

Who is
How to recognize
Men and women
Types
Treatment
How to communicate
How to leave

Who is a narcissist?

Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru nine0005

Narcissism is a feature of the psyche in which a person perceives himself as a unique individual, considers himself better than others, which is not always true. In fact, these traits are present in the character of many people. In a healthy personality, they result in ambition and a desire to please. But under a certain scenario, laid down in childhood, such behavior can turn into a pathology, which is often accompanied by other diagnoses, such as bipolar disorder and depression. nine0005

Contrary to popular belief, people with narcissistic personality disorder do not like themselves very much. Rather, they admire their grandiose projection, which allows them to close gaps in their own self-esteem. Such protection allows narcissists to avoid deep feelings and self-doubt. A person with this disorder does not tolerate minimal criticism, he perceives remarks as a personal insult and is able to throw a tantrum if someone refuses to admire him. You can check how narcissistic traits are characteristic of you or your partner using the NPI questionnaire [1]. The more positive answers a person gives to statements from the list compiled by American psychologists and researchers Robert Raskin and Howard Terry, the more narcissistic features appear in him. Meeting people with a true personality disorder is not easy. According to various sources, their number in society varies from 1 to 6%. nine0005

How to recognize a narcissist?

According to the American psychiatrists' handbook "Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" [2], there are nine signs of narcissistic personality disorder. If at least five of these are present, a doctor may suspect a disorder. Usually such a person:

Has an inflated sense of self-importance. He often exaggerates his achievements and talents. Expects people to admire his actions, even if they were minor. If the narcissist organized the cleaning of the yard, then at least the district newspaper should write about it. nine0030
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love. To each new partner, the narcissist can say that he is the love of his life or wait for him to fulfill his fantasies. The beginning of such a relationship is a magical, but short period. In work, the narcissist, according to him, is a genius. If he has not been able to achieve great results, he is simply sure that success lies ahead of him, even if it is time for him to retire.
Believes that he is not like others and has few equals. Therefore, the environment must match. The narcissist chooses “special” people as friends and partners, for example, with high social status or model appearance. Thus, he seems to reflect himself through them, because his problems are unique and can only be understood by special people. Narcissists like to be associated with big brands, whether it be in their work projects or clothing choices. nine0030
Requires constant attention, recognition and admiration, even if you just took out the trash or cooked dinner.
Absolutely sure that everyone owes him. Expectations for other people are usually very high. Close people are obliged to fulfill the requests of the narcissist at the first call.
Uses other people to achieve his own goals. For him, it goes without saying. The narcissist is not used to sincerely thanking for services and does it only within the framework of the accepted ethical norm. nine0030
He has difficulty experiencing empathy. Such people are not able to draw a parallel between their feelings and the feelings of others. Therefore, the narcissist does not even think about when he hurts someone. Very often, this behavior is mistaken for abuse by partners of narcissists. In fact, he may be concerned with how to hide the shame of his failure and not lose his greatness.
Often jealous of others and believes that others envy him. In the latter case, it is by this circumstance that the narcissist explains the criticism of others in his address. nine0030
Arrogant towards other people. Such a person absolutely sincerely believes that he is better than others, and other people's shortcomings are an excellent reason to assert himself.

To decide to end a relationship with a narcissist, write down the reasons for breaking up and keep the list with you

Men and women are narcissists disorder in one form or another, men are more likely to be affected by this disorder than women. The data were collected over a period of 30 years, and the percentage ratio between the sexes did not change much during this time [3]. nine0005

In doing so, the researchers noted two important points. First, male narcissists were more likely than females to exploit others and believe they were entitled to certain privileges. Secondly, men were more likely to seek power. Scientists explain this by the fact that until recently, leadership qualities did not meet the criteria for femininity. According to one of the authors of the study, Emily Griyalva, girls are more often criticized for aggressiveness and authoritarianism. Thus, society unconsciously suppressed manifestations of narcissistic behavior [4]. nine0005

As regards vanity and striving for a vivid self-presentation, in this respect there was no significant difference between men and women.

Types of narcissists and how they are formed

There are different approaches to the formation of narcissism, including studies that allow for genetic influence, but this is not a decisive factor in the formation of personality.

In 1914, Sigmund Freud stated that children somehow go through a stage of primary narcissism. He believed that this was an intermediate stage of growing up, but later he singled out other forms of narcissism, to a greater extent associated with mental disorders. nine0005

Neuro-Freudian Karen Horney argued that the development of such character traits may be due to the fact that parents in various ways pushed the child to create psychological protection. For example, they could delegate the embodiment of their ambitions or rejected the real manifestations of the child, instilling a sense of inferiority.

The contribution of parental figures to the formation of narcissistic disorder is also noted by psychotherapist and researcher Otto Kernberg. He compares narcissism with a false prop that a person erects in order to receive from others the admiration and confidence that he did not receive from his parents in childhood and cannot give himself in adulthood [5]. nine0005

In the book of psychologist Elinor Greenberg "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: the pursuit of Love Admiration and Safety" [6], the author divides narcissists into three types:

Open, or grandiose. Embodied stereotype. A bright character illustrating this feature of development and behavior. His whole being screams, "Look at me." This childish behavior indicates that a person is stuck at an age when adults pay a lot of attention to the child, praise him excessively, suggest that he is special, forgetting to teach him empathy. nine0030
Hidden or depressive. Such people can grow up in families where one of the relatives, including mother or father, was a narcissist. At the same time, there was a high level of competition for love and attention. On the one hand, children copied the behavior model of narcissistic parents, on the other hand, such a child formed protective mechanisms, since an adult narcissist would certainly assert himself at his expense. Growing up, such people may not openly say that they are special. They would rather choose a person, a book, an object and exalt their virtues. Thus, the narcissist puts them on a par with himself. In personal relationships, such people do not like direct conflicts. Their weapon is passive aggression. A favorite technique is to promise and not deliver, and then blame the other person for everything. They tend to be insecure, and ambivalent behavior often leads them to depression. nine0030
Perverse or toxic. Such people go even further. They love not only admiration, but also submission. Narcissists of this type love to wreak havoc around themselves, the same that reigned in their childhood in relationships with their parents. These narcissists often give their partners an emotional rollercoaster of humiliation and praise. They take pleasure in destroying other people's careers, destroying people morally and spiritually.

Mixed representatives of these types also exist. nine0005

Treatment for narcissism

Most often, narcissists don't even suspect that something is wrong with them, because they don't tend to blame themselves for anything. So if such people were seen by a specialist, then the reason for this could be related problems: depression, bipolar disorder, or excessive alcohol consumption. There is no cure for narcissism yet. Psychotherapy has a positive effect on such patients. Properly structured classes can help a person establish relationships with loved ones, learn to withstand criticism, stop despising themselves and others, set realistic goals and achieve them, and not dream of sky-high heights [7]. nine0005

Although there is no cure for narcissism yet, psychotherapy has a positive effect

How to communicate with a narcissist?

Building an even relationship with a narcissist is not always easy. Some prefer to just cut them off. But what if this is not possible? Let's say that person is a family member or ex-husband/wife with whom you have children in common.

The first thing psychologists advise is to try to detach yourself emotionally. Ignore toxic statements and manipulations. It is useless to expect sudden changes in behavior from such people. According to research, narcissists do not tend to learn from their own mistakes simply because they are sure they did not make them [8]. nine0030
Your personal boundaries are your guard against the actions of a narcissist. “This won’t happen to me anymore”, “I won’t fall for these manipulations” - phrases that will help to avoid an unpleasant conversation or intrusive requests of a narcissist. You can't wait for a response.
The shortest answers, conditionally “yes” and “no”, are your main allies in a dialogue with such a person if he began to resort to manipulation. By minimizing communication, you give him much less reason to hook on to some phrase and launch an attack. nine0030
Stick to the topic of conversation and don't get sidetracked. Perhaps your counterpart will try to knock you out of the saddle with accusations or get personal. In this case, the phrase “We are going off topic” will help bring the discussion back on track.
Compliments. If you really need to get something out of a narcissist, don't be stingy with praise. Most likely, he will even enjoy fulfilling your request. Yes, this is manipulation, but who said that only a narcissist can use this technique? nine0030

How to get away from a narcissist

The end of a relationship is never easy. With a narcissist, breaking up can be doubly difficult. For him, the fact that he was abandoned is an intolerable insult. That is why he will try by hook or by crook to bring the partner back. During this period, he will become sensitive and gentle, will swear eternal love and will do this until his victim loses his vigilance. Often, therefore, relationships with a narcissist develop into a cycle of breaks and reunions. Nevertheless, if you decide to put an end to your communication, psychologists recommend the following:

Write down the reasons why you want to leave. It's best to keep this list around in case the narcissist decides to drag you back into the relationship by talking about eternal love.
Give up illusions. It is difficult for such people to change, especially without the help of a specialist. Do you have time to wait until he finally learns to show empathy and respect?
Break all contacts. Ask a friend to pick up your belongings from the narcissist. Block this person in all phones and messengers. If you have children in common, at first ask someone close to you to be with you at general meetings. nine0030
Let go of your feelings. Breaking up, even with a toxic person, is always hard. Give yourself time to get over this situation. Just don't expect the narcissist to suffer in return. Most likely, during this period, he will try to restore his shattered ego and will choose not the most pleasant ways for this: either he will tell everyone what a bad person you are, or seek solace in the arms of someone else.

There are nine signs of narcissism, but five signs can already be suspected of it

Kristina Andreyuk, clinical psychologist, researcher. Research interests: mentalization, manipulative behavior, personality disorders

In addition to family relationships, external factors can also enhance narcissistic traits. Media and social networks broadcast often unattainable ideals, and self-improvement services are imposed by advertising. All this can affect the psyche.

In "normal narcissism" people try to please others, to achieve success in their work, which helps them to adapt in society. However, in the case of pathology, a person's ideas about themselves are distorted. In this case, the emphasis is on the grandiosity of his figure. He experiences difficulties in forming adequate ideas about other people, abuses manipulations, grossly violates the boundaries of the interlocutor and ignores his comfort. Narcissistic features can manifest themselves in pathological perfectionism, hypochondria, constant attempts to correct their "flaws", including, for example, transforming one's appearance as the most noticeable attribute of self-presentation for others. nine0005

On the surface, narcissists give the impression of being rather pleasant people. According to research, many socially active narcissists have charisma, know how to hold an audience, are not afraid to express themselves, appear self-confident, and have high claims regarding academic and professional achievements. These qualities often show up in job interviews and help narcissists get into leadership positions. However, such bosses may use too subjective criteria when evaluating employees, focusing not on their professional achievements, but on the degree of admiration, devotion, and the absence of doubts about the correctness of the leader's decisions. nine0005

Close relationships are difficult for narcissists. In partners and friends, they are primarily looking for confirmation of their exclusivity, superiority (which reinforces vulnerable self-esteem). Often, such people confuse the attachment that accompanies healthy partnerships and collaborations with the addiction that can shackle and inspire fear. The demands of constant adoration and recognition of their grandiosity, which the narcissist often implements in the form of excessive control over the thoughts and feelings of a partner, in most cases, sooner or later are not fully satisfied, which leads to conflicts and increased manipulative behavior. nine0005

If you have found any manifestations of narcissistic traits in yourself and want to change them, then it will be useful for you to develop the skills of self-reflection, mentalization (understanding mental states), work on the development of emotional intelligence, empathy (for example, discuss with friends the films you have watched, read books in terms of understanding the inner world of the characters, their motivation, etc.). It is very important to learn to analyze what is happening from different positions, without sliding into extreme points, such as, for example, idealization and depreciation - look for alternative explanations. Try to look at situations or actions from different angles, noting the possible positive aspects of seemingly negative events, including during conversations with loved ones. nine0005

If your loved one has narcissistic traits, you need to learn how to track the emotional states of both you and your interlocutor. It is necessary to soberly analyze situations of interpersonal communication.

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