Partner is verbally abusive
How to Handle Verbal Abuse in Your Relationship
Verbal abuse can be difficult to identify and, regrettably, it can also be a common type of abuse in some relationships. Masters of manipulation, verbal abusers can damage your self-esteem while simultaneously appearing to care deeply for you. The use of words to punish is a very covert attempt to control, and regardless of how loving your spouse may appear to be, verbal abuse is insidious—and can be as harmful as physical abuse.
What Is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse is an act of violence with speech, which can include forcefully criticizing, insulting, or denouncing another person.
"Verbal abuse can be any way a partner uses their language to exert control in the relationship," says Amelia Peck, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "It can be speech that is used to make a partner feel less valued or important in the relationship." Verbal abuse often targets someone's insecurities, but it can vary in form, ranging from shouting and humiliation to more subtle and manipulative tactics.
Meet the Expert
Amelia Peck is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 10 years of experience. She offers online therapy services for clients based in New York and California.
Physical abuse is easily identifiable. There is no doubt that if you've been hit or injured by your partner, you have been abused. Verbal abuse is different. The damage is internal, and there are no physical bruises or scars—just a wounded spirit. While both can have long-term effects like low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and more, emotional abuse can be difficult to define without knowing the signs.
If you're concerned that you may be experiencing verbal abuse, read on to learn about signs to watch out for in your relationship.
Common Signs of Verbal Abuse
They Call You Names
Negative name-calling is a sign of verbal abuse. If the name feels like a put-down to you, it likely was meant to be. Some names are unquestionably abusive, while others are more like backhanded compliments.
These can be harder to identify—but trust your gut. Verbal abusers often use "constructive" criticism to negatively affect their partner's self-esteem. "Generally speaking, verbal abusers use their words to target insecurities and feelings of shame in their partners," says Peck.
If your spouse is constantly criticizing you “for your own good,” consider it a red flag. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.
They Put You Down
Critical, sarcastic, or mocking words that are meant to put you down (either alone or in front of other people) are a type of abuse. These may be comments about the way you dress, how you talk, or your intelligence. Any comments that make you feel inferior or ashamed are often intentional by the abuser. "When a partner is verbally abusive, they do not have equality in the relationship at the center of their values," says Peck. "They work to make their partner feel 'less-than' to gain a sense of power in the relationship."
They Raise Their Voice
When a spouse resorts to yelling without much provocation, you may be understandably worried that anything you say will set them off.
If you feel like you're walking on eggshells and have to censor what you say around them, it's not a good sign. If your partner is emotionally volatile and shouts to intimidate you, you probably won't feel safe in the relationship.
They Use Threats to Intimidate You
Threats to your life or your body can create fear—whether they're empty or not. No threat should be taken lightly. Even if your spouse tells you they're only joking, there shouldn't be concerns about your safety in a healthy relationship. It's especially important to take a threat seriously if it causes you to change your behavior or feel on guard.
They Blame You for Their Actions
If your spouse loses their temper, do they blame you for their actions or subsequent behavior? This is called victim-blaming, and it's a sign of verbal abuse frequently associated with narcissistic personalities. The reasons or excuses they describe may be intentionally convoluted to confuse you, resulting in your apologies for their actions.
They may then be overly affectionate to make you believe that they never really hurt you.
"It’s important to remember that people in abusive relationships aren’t always experiencing volatile abuse 100 percent of the time," says Peck. "Often, after an abusive episode, couples make up and have a sort of 'honeymoon phase' for a bit. This is a piece that leads to emotional complexity and leads victims to justify their partner’s abuse or take the blame for it."
They Dismiss Your Feelings
When your spouse refuses to discuss issues that upset you, they might be avoiding responsibility. Conversations about actions and words that hurt you are ended, and issues that reflect poorly on their behavior are dismissed. This is also a form of gaslighting: Concerns are ignored, and your partner insists that certain events "didn't happen" or you're remembering things wrong. Gaslighting can make you question your own reality, leading back to a cycle of victim-blaming.
"Many clients of mine who have experienced or are experiencing verbal abuse in a relationship are also feeling the effects of emotional abuse and gaslighting," says Peck.
"They often report their partners telling them they feel a certain way, which is contradicting what they really feel (or think they really feel; the abuse makes that emotional awareness very challenging for some victims)."
They Manipulate You
The persistent, and intense, use of threatening words may lead you to do things or act in ways you find uncomfortable. This form of verbal abuse is common at the end of a marriage. If your spouse doesn't want a divorce, they'll say whatever it takes to play on your emotions and keep you in the marriage. It's an attempt to make you comply with their desires—regardless of what's best for you as an individual.
Signs You Are a Victim of Verbal Abuse
You Have Low Self-Esteem
You find yourself burying your feelings, trying not to upset your partner, and working so hard at keeping the peace that every day becomes an emotional chore. You may feel depressed or wonder sometimes if you're crazy. You turn your stress inward.
Punishing yourself for your partner's behavior, you feel like it's all happening in your head. Peck says her clients report that verbal and emotional abuse "leads them to believe anything wrong in the relationship is their fault or that their lack of happiness or satisfaction in the relationship is a result of them not trying hard enough."
You Feel Like a Different Person
When someone abuses you, it can change the way you feel about yourself. You become so caught up in the relationship and trying to avoid upsetting your partner that you abandon the person you used to be. You lose your voice and let go of personal boundaries. If you find yourself justifying abuse in your relationship for any reason when in the past you would have never imagined putting up with the behavior, it's probably time to seek help.
"Often, I hear clients say a justification for staying in the relationship was that 'at least' the abuse wasn’t physical," says Peck. "Physical or not, the abuse is real, and when I hear people use this type of justification in their narrative, it makes me realize how much they’ve had to repress their own feelings and emotions and have struggled to find their own voice in their life," says Peck.
You Feel Like You're Walking on Eggshells
If you don't have feelings of safety and security when your partner is around, you may feel the need to guard every word you speak. Everything you do or say is never good enough. When you feel like you can't be yourself to the fullest extent, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship and the role you want to play in it. "When I hear people say they’re too afraid to say something because of how their partner will respond, in a way that seems to trigger some sense of fear, I begin to assess for signs of abuse or safety concerns," says Peck.
How to Respond to Verbal Abuse in a Relationship
Abuse is never justified. Remind yourself that it is not your fault—and consider your options for walking away when you experience it. If the person you love is verbally abusive and dismissive of your feelings, you might not see yourself (and your needs) as important. You are. "Listen to those feelings that go against what you know is right for you.
If you’re being told in any way your feelings, thoughts, emotions aren’t valued, it’s time to reach out for some support to help you get into a healthier space," says Peck.
When you realize you are being abused, try to focus on getting help. Here are some dos and donts to consider if you're faced with verbal abuse:
- Do: Seek counseling with a relationship therapist, either together or separately.
- Do: Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends who can validate your experiences. Discuss with them what is happening and how you're feeling.
- Do: Communicate with your abuser about their hurtful words, and discuss that this behavior is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept in a relationship.
- Do: Leave the marriage or relationship (when nothing else helps). If you make this decision, hire an attorney familiar with domestic violence, stay in close contact with your support system, and focus on learning positive coping skills.
- Do: Seek out a shelter if you feel that you are in danger after taking steps to leave the relationship.
- Don't: Engage in conflict with your abuser. If your abuser becomes angry, stay calm, walk away, and don’t give them a reaction.
- Don't: Blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors.
- Don't: Stay in a relationship with someone who is hurting you
- Don't: Tell yourself that you don't deserve to be treated better.
- Don't: Ignore your thoughts, feelings, and instincts.
Even though verbal abuse doesn't leave a visible mark, those who experience it still suffer emotionally. Your experience should not be dismissed. By showing yourself the care you'd show for others, you can start on the road toward a fulfilling future. "The more clear and aware you get of yourself as a person, your values, standards, boundaries, the more you’re going to be aware when you are in a relationship with someone who does not respect those things," says Peck.
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Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors
In this Article
- What Is Verbal Abuse?
- Signs of Verbal Abuse
- Dealing With Verbal Abuse
- Support and Resources
What Is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse, also known as emotional abuse, is a range of words or behaviors used to manipulate, intimidate, and maintain power and control over someone.
These include insults, humiliation and ridicule, the silent treatment, and attempts to scare, isolate, and control.
Emotional and verbal abuse also includes violence that isn’t directed specifically at people but is used to intimidate, like slamming doors, throwing things, destroying belongings, or harming pets.
These behaviors are just as serious as other forms of abuse and may damage self-worth and well-being. Every relationship is different, and signs of emotional and verbal abuse may not be obvious from the start of a relationship.
Verbally abusive people often seem to be ideal partners, and behaviors may emerge slowly or begin suddenly.
It may be difficult to recognize abuse if you’re not being physically hurt, but emotional and verbal abuse may be a sign that physical abuse will follow.
Signs of Verbal Abuse
Emotional and verbal abuse can take many forms and can come from partners, caregivers, coworkers, parents, and others. If it’s happening to you, it’s important to remember it’s not your fault.
Common signs of emotional and verbal abuse may include:
Isolation and Control
Removing contact with others is one way to exert control. Some examples include:
- Preventing you from visiting friends and family
- Trying to stop you from going to work or school
- Controlling who you spend time with
- Being jealous of other relationships
- Monitoring your messages
- Tracking your phone or car
- Demanding passwords to your phone, email, or social media
- Controlling your finances
- Taking or hiding your keys and wallet
- Controlling what you eat and wear
- Stopping you from seeing a doctor
Humiliation, Threatening, and Intimidation
Cruelty can create fear and coercion, which allows an abuser to maintain power and control.
Some examples include:
- Belittling or humiliating you, especially in front of others
- Name-calling or constantly criticizing
- Threatening to leave you
- Threatening to take your children or pets away from you
- Threatening to harm your child
- Harming a pet in front of you to punish you
- Slamming doors or punching walls to frighten you
- Breaking your belongings
- Driving erratically to scare you or force obedience
Emotional Manipulation
Emotionally abusive people create chaos. An abuser may:
- Accuse you of cheating
- Blame you for their actions if they are cheating
- Blame you for their abusive behavior
- Use your fears and beliefs to control you or the situation
- Give you the silent treatment
- Constantly argue
- Make confusing and contradictory statements
- Have sudden outbursts and drastic moods
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that makes you question your sanity, judgments, and memory.
You may begin to mistrust yourself and feel as if you’re losing your mind.
An abuser may:
- Insist you said or did something you didn’t
- Deny an event happened
- Question your memory of facts and events
- Pretend not to understand you or refuse to listen to you
- Deny their earlier promises and statements
Dealing With Verbal Abuse
The first step to dealing with abuse is to recognize it. By putting a name to your experience, you can begin to find help and support. Remember that emotional and verbal abuse may be a precursor to physical harm. Planning for both emotional safety and physical safety is important.
Create a Supportive Network
It may be difficult to share with someone about your experience, but having a trustworthy friend or therapist can be calming and helpful while dealing with verbal abuse. They might be able to help you make a plan.
Practice Self-Care
Take time every day to practice self-care, even if it’s only for a few minutes.
To the extent that you can, give yourself relief from the stress. Remind yourself of your value and worth and that you deserve care. Being abused is never your fault.
Make a Safety Exit Plan
You may need to leave a relationship to maintain your safety, but you may not be ready to take big steps. Instead, make small goals to reach out and talk to someone about your decisions or to find help so you can develop safety and a sense of control. Try calling a local resource. Use caution with your phone and computer.
Support and Resources
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
If you aren’t in immediate danger, reach out to a friend, therapist, abuse shelter, or domestic violence hotline.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Crisis Text Line: Text 741741 in the U.S. and Canada
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-Child or 1-800-422-4453
Insults in relationships - Kirill Lipsky about psychology on vc.
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In any relationship, there are times when love fades into the background, and intolerance and aggression arise in its place. But even in the most serious quarrels, it is worth showing self-control. cause deep spiritual wounds, make you think about the purpose of these very relationships.The reasons for such aggressive behavior can be different.The main ones are:
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Accumulated anger
When a person keeps silent about his grievances and dissatisfaction, negative emotions accumulate and sooner or later pour out on a partner. This can be very surprising, since the partner did not even know that something did not suit his chosen one or chosen one.
Striving for self-affirmation
Sometimes it turns into a war with each other for the position of leader, head of the family. There is a struggle of dominants, and quarrels lead them to mutual insults. Most often, men sin with this, since the desire for self-affirmation is inherent in nature.
Different social levels of partners
Sometimes love is born in a couple of people with different social statuses. For example, if a woman earns more money than a man, or achieves greater success in her career, while emphasizing her superiority, then scandals are inevitable. People are just not comfortable "playing" inappropriate roles for them in a couple.
Echoes of upbringing
Children adopt many manners and habits of their parents. An adult who grew up in a family where adults often spoke in raised voices and launched insults can use the same behavior pattern all the time - no matter how well his relationship develops.
Low self-esteem, strong emotional dependence on a partner, jealousy.
Fears often push people to impulsive, thoughtless actions. This is especially true of sensitive individuals, with a fine mental organization.
Is it possible to insult in a relationship?
Often the participants of the relationship enter into discussions. It can be a raised voice because of the accumulated claims, an active clarification of controversial life moments, or even a quarrel, but there is always a line beyond which it is better not to go. An insult, even spoken rashly, will surely divide life into “before” and “after”, gradually destroying sincere feelings. In such conditions, the most important thing that exists between partners is lost - mutual respect.
Before an insult, there is always a brazen intrusion into the personal space of the victim of aggression. A reasonable distance for each person is a prerequisite for happiness and satisfaction. If this natural need is ignored, the person suffers, while losing the possibility of restoring peace of mind.
As a result, sooner or later the couple in the scandal diverges.
How is respect shown and why is it so important?
Love and respect are firmly intertwined. True love cannot exist without respect for the partner. Respect without love is friendship, nothing more. It’s not enough just to feel tender affection! It is also important to recognize the dignity of the personality of another. Then there will be peace in the relationship. This is the most important condition for lasting harmony.
How to deal with verbal abuse in a relationship - HEROINE
Realizing that abuse and rudeness has become the norm in your relationship with a partner is not so easy. Not always offensive words are obvious curses, there are many other ways to hurt a partner with one phrase. We understand what verbal abuse in a relationship is and how to respond to them.
Hurt with a joke, word or compliment: types of abuse in a relationship
Understanding that you have been physically abused is much easier than realizing that a person is verbally abusing you.
There are many ways to hurt your partner without seeming to say anything special. Here are the main types of verbal abuse in a relationship:
Swear words
The most obvious way to offend is to use obscenities and other swear words. When a partner allows himself such rude behavior, it is worth seriously considering whether to stay in such a relationship. The next step could be assault.
Devaluation
This is when a partner casually downplays everything you do. It may even sound like a compliment: “You are great, but ...”, however, the second part of such praise nullifies the first. The purpose of this behavior is to ruin your self-esteem.
Critical remarks
Close to depreciation, but here the partner does not even try to pretend that he is praising you, although sometimes he disguises criticism as irony. Giving advice or saying things you don't like from time to time is fine, but if a guy does this on a regular basis, on every occasion, and in front of other people, then this is already a form of verbal abuse and a way to take away your confidence.
Raise voice
When a partner repeatedly breaks into a cry, the second person in a couple may develop a constant fear of saying or doing something wrong and again provoke anger. Understanding that a guy's habit of raising his voice becomes offensive is easiest in his reaction.
Threats
They may be half-joking, but in any case, the partner's habit of threatening something will have a bad effect on your relationship. In this way, he is trying to manipulate you.
Refusing to talk
Ironically, this is also a form of verbal abuse. When a man suddenly stops talking, if it develops in a way that is unfavorable for him, avoids important topics for you, ignores your words - this is a clear sign of disrespect.
Read Related: 8 Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Respectful
What to Do When Your Partner Behaves Abusively
Try to Understand the Reasons
People most often turn to abusive behavior when they lose control, but if it has become systematic, it is worth looking for reasons.
Perhaps rude words are the norm for a guy to communicate, and he just doesn’t realize that such an attitude hurts you. Although if he began to allow himself insulting expressions not immediately, but in the process of relations, then it is clearly not a matter of poor education.
Do not make excuses
Understanding the reasons will help develop an adequate response, but this is by no means a way to justify a partner. Whatever his motives, it doesn't give a guy the right to treat you abusively.
Don't answer the same
The biggest mistake is to respond with an insult for an insult. It only reinforces this way of communicating in your relationship. When your partner gets into cursing and is unable to speak constructively, the best thing to do is to walk away from the situation, end the conversation, and let it cool down before you talk too much.
Form a supportive environment
Abusive partner behavior seriously hurts self-esteem.
To maintain self-confidence, you need to find those who will always support you: communicate with friends, relatives. Hiding your problems from everyone and isolating yourself from others in such a situation is very dangerous, because you give your partner more control over yourself.
Set boundaries
It is important to establish healthy boundaries in a relationship from the start. This means not enduring insults in silence, but immediately declaring that it offends you and asking your partner not to do this again. If you tolerate unacceptable behavior for yourself, then you let the guy know that everything is normal and he can continue to behave like that.
Get help
Professional help is especially important if the guy has problems with self-control. Maybe he should learn to manage his anger. You can also use couples therapy if you think the abusive behavior is the result of accumulated problems in the relationship.
