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Age differences between couples


Age gaps: The relationship taboo that won't die

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By Katie Bishop25th March 2022

Societies are increasingly progressive; today, many people accept that love presents in many ways. So why do people still judge couples who are many years apart?

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A viral chart from 2019 keeps popping up on social media: a graph detailing Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating history. A Reddit user had spotted a trend – although the actor was 44 at the time, he seemingly only dated women aged 25 or younger, always breaking up with partners before they reached their 26th birthday.  

Responses to the chart were mixed; some commended DiCaprio for his ability to attract younger women, while others berated the veteran actor, begging him to find someone closer to his own age. Even at three years old, the chart continues to resurface, as commentators keep a keen eye on DiCaprio’s current relationship with 24-year-old Camila Morrone.   

The reactions to the actor’s dating habits embody the contentious views surrounding age-gap relationships – for some, they are a source of admiration, while for others, there is something inherently unsettling about coupling up with a much younger person. 

From Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, to George and Amal Clooney, high-profile age-gap relationships have always set tongues wagging. Although in 2014 the average age difference in US heterosexual relationships was a relatively small 2.3 years, many couples have a much wider gap. In Western countries, around 8% of male-female couples have an age-gap of 10 years or more, rising to 25% in male-male unions and 15% of female-female relationships. For some the gap is even larger – data suggests that around 1% of heterosexual couples in the US have an age difference of 28 years or more. 

Our views around age-gap relationships are shaped by thousands of years of evolutionary psychology, and generations of social and cultural norms. Within the last hundred years, economic shifts and increased gender equalities have changed what is considered a ‘normal’ age-gap, and recent social justice movements have increased scrutiny of power dynamics in mixed-age relationships. Couples with large age gaps often face judgement, and while some experts believe that this could be about to change, others argue that young people could be becoming more disapproving of mixed-age love than ever before. 

An evolutionary nudge 

Those who find DiCaprio’s dating habits distasteful aren’t without good reason. Aversions to age-gap relationships are very common and, like most taboos, they stem from thousands of years of evolution as well as more recent social and cultural cues. 

“In many cultures, it is not considered acceptable to fall in love with someone who is much older or younger than you,” says Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic in London. “From an evolutionary perspective, the drive to have a family can have an impact on who we choose to have a relationship with – both from a biological perspective but also in the sense of both parents being alive to raise the child.”

For both men and women, fertility tends to decline after the age of about 35, and though women lose their ability to conceive much more rapidly, it makes sense that we’ve evolved to be attracted to people who are similarly aged. Although there is relatively little data on age in LGBTQ+ relationships, we know that age-gaps among same-sex couples are much more common, perhaps reflecting how much the ability to biologically conceive together influences how we approach finding a partner. 

It’s not just about parenting, however. Pairing up with someone of a similar age makes your relationship more likely to go the distance, research shows. Experts believe that this is because these couples tend to go through life challenges and stages at a similar time, and can therefore continue to find common ground.  

“In the initial 10 years of marriage, people report higher levels of marital satisfaction when their partner is younger than them,” says Grace Lordan, an associate professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, who is currently researching age-gap relationships and happiness. “However, over time, the marital satisfaction of different-aged couples declines more than similar-aged partners. The probability of similar-aged couples divorcing is also lower.” 

Yet despite these factors nudging us towards partners of the same age, socio-economic circumstances can sometimes counteract evolutionary urges. In 1900, the average age-gap between couples was about double the gap in 2000;  historically people (particularly those in the middle- and upper-classes) would have been much more likely to marry someone far older or younger than them. 

The reasons for this are both biological and economic. If a 50-year-old man wants to have children, it is not in his interest to couple up with a similarly-aged woman who is much less likely to still be fertile. In a patriarchal society in which men have the economic power, the choice to pair up with a much younger woman would be more likely to be available to him.   

In the 19th and early 20th Centuries, most women were excluded from the workforce, so it made sense for them to prioritise marrying someone who had already achieved financial security. For men, it made sense to establish themselves economically and worry about marriage at a later date – when due to their increased social power they were able to find younger wives who provided the best chance of having children. 

Whom we judge and why 

As women have gained greater economic power, however, the appeal of a much-older spouse has fallen, making age-gap relationships less common – and often more taboo. 

These days, even as most societies embrace increasingly progressive views on love, relationships and the rich variety of ways they can present, couples where one person is much older than the other still face judgement. Rather than assume people are happily together, there's a tendency to worry about possible power imbalances, and view the relationship as transactional, assuming one party is seeking to elevate their social status or wealth. There's even specific vocabulary to aid that judgement; an older man must be a ‘sugar daddy’, a younger woman a ‘gold-digger’ or victim of ‘daddy issues’.  

The relationship between Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron, married since 2007, has been scrutinised in the media (Credit: Alamy)

In recent years, that vocabulary has been expanded to include relationships in which women are the significantly older partner; words like ‘cougars’ and ‘toyboys’ reflect the rise in this kind of relationship. Statistics show that in 1963 just 15% of UK brides were older than their grooms. By 1998, this had risen to 26%, and findings from one 2011 study suggested that the number of women married or cohabiting with a man five years or younger had almost tripled since the 1970s.  

Women who choose to date younger men seem to face a disproportionate amount of judgement. “Us humans are judgemental, and if what our neighbour is doing is misaligned with what we expect, we put a spotlight on it,” says Lordan. “Women who match with younger men go most against the grain when it comes to our narrative of marriage, and so suffer the most judgement.” 

The media attention that surrounded French President Emmanuel Macron’s marriage to a woman 24 years his senior, or the fevered coverage of 41-year-old Kim Kardashian’s relationship with 28-year-old Pete Davidson only underlines this. Yet Touroni believes that older men/younger women relationships are now perceived with even more judgement than older women/younger men couples. 

This is perhaps in part linked to the #MeToo movement, which placed increased attention on power dynamics in relationships. Some argue a significant age-gap, combined with the social and economic power that men wield in a male-dominated society, can leave young women in a vulnerable position. One study conducted shortly after #MeToo took hold shows that many outsiders believe that there’s an aspect of exploitation in age-gap relationships. Researchers found young people were particularly averse to relationships in which the male partner was older, and posited this was because they assumed that the relationship was exchange-based – for example, that people were exchanging sex for a certain lifestyle. 

Will the age-gap taboo disappear? 

Today, there is an increased acceptance that all relationships look different – whether this relates to sexuality, gender or even the number of people in the same relationship.

Touroni says as more kinds of relationships are normalised, she hopes that people will respect the choices of those in age-gap relationships. “We are living in an era of more freedom and flexibility, so I would like to think that over time we will become significantly less judgemental about other people’s relationship choices, whether that’s age-gaps or anything else. ” 

Yet there’s little evidence that society’s fascination with age-gaps is lessening. So-called May-to-December celebrity love affairs still regularly make headlines, and young people seem even more judgemental of age-gap relationships than their older counterparts, particularly when a man is older than a female partner. Given that young people are generally at the forefront of social changes, their disapproval could mean that the age-gap taboo might become even more deeply entrenched. 

“Overall, I do hold out hope that we are becoming less judgemental of others, whatever their choices are,” says Lordan. “But the narratives of what a ‘good’ relationship looks like are so hard-wired in Western society, it is unlikely that we will reach a place where people stop judging the lifestyle choices of others that go against these norms, including age-gap couples.”

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All About Age Differences in Relationships

Is age “just a number?” If you’re wondering whether an age difference could impact your relationship, this is for you.

In any relationship, you’ll have some qualities in common with your partner, while others — not so much.

Some couples might find that a big age difference impacts their relationship significantly over time. Others may feel that what makes them compatible is more important than a gap in years.

“Most of the couples I know say that they feel like they’re the same age,” says Dr. Loren Olson, a psychiatrist in Des Moines, Iowa. “We have a chronological age, a psychological age, a physical age, and a sexual age. Age gap couples frequently are compatible in the last three.”

Even if you’re satisfied with your relationship, it’s possible to encounter some challenges with a large age difference. Confronting and problem-solving these challenges — which often have to do with outside judgment — could lead to even greater happiness in your partnership.

Age and consent

This article discusses age differences in romantic relationships where both partners are above the legal age of consent in their state.

If you’re below the age of consent and an adult’s behavior is making you feel uncomfortable, help is available. You can:

  • Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 for confidential, 24/7 support.
  • Visit Stop It Now! for online resources or reach out to their helpline at 888-773-8368.
  • Visit Childhelp for resources to handle and report abuse or to chat live with someone who can help.

P.S. If both partners are above the legal age of consent, it doesn’t mean consent goes out the window. Asking for consent and being on the same page is key in any healthy romantic relationship.

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If your relationship has an above-average age difference, it might impact your connection in specific ways. Still, many of these effects aren’t unique to relationships with a large age gap, and communication is key for navigating differences in any partnership.

Emotional maturity

“Even if the age gap is small, like 4 to 5 years, different levels of maturity can be observed,” says Brandy Porche, a licensed professional counselor with MindPath. “When there is a significant difference in age, like 10 to 15 years or more, life experiences can be vastly different.”

In relationships with a large emotional maturity gap, the more mature partner could end up carrying a heavier emotional load in the relationship, leading to exhaustion and potentially a breakup.

Being the older partner doesn’t guarantee emotional maturity, just like being younger doesn’t always mean you’re less mature. People sometimes conflate age with emotional maturity because more years can mean more time to form complex perspectives through exposure to different experiences.

Priorities

“The bigger the gap between partners, the more likely the relationship will struggle with phase-of-life related challenges,” says GinaMarie Guarino, a licensed mental health counselor and founder of PsychPoint.

She explains that these challenges might include differences in:

  • health
  • energy levels
  • life priorities
  • plans to start a family

Having different priorities isn’t exclusive to relationships with large age gaps. In any relationship, it’s key to discuss each person’s priorities and hopes for the future as a part of determining your compatibility if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.

End-of-life concerns

Guarino highlights that people in relationships with big age differences may face more concerns about the longevity of the older partner. The younger partner may fear being left alone when the older partner passes.

Communicating with each other about these feelings can be an important part of processing them.

Guarino points out that making arrangements ahead of time can also provide some reassurance to the younger partner. “If one partner passes, the other partner knows they are taken care of and what their next steps are,” she explains.

In many cultures, heterosexual relationships where the man is older than the woman are still the most common. In these relationships, it’s common for an age gap of 2 to 3 years to exist.

Meanwhile, an Australian study from 2017 found:

  • Heterosexual couples with large age gaps had a faster decline in relationship satisfaction in their first 6 to 10 years of marriage than similarly aged couples.
  • Couples with an age gap of 1 to 3 years (with the man older than the woman) were the most common and had the greatest levels of satisfaction.
  • Relationship satisfaction decreased slightly for couples with age gaps of 4 to 6 years and continued to decrease for couples with an age gap of 7 or more years.

A Korean study from 2015 found that age gaps in long-term relationships could impact each partner’s likelihood of experiencing depression. In particular, it found that same-aged couples had the lowest rates of depression, while couples with an age gap of 3 years or more had slightly higher rates.

In short, research seems to indicate that in many cultures, an age gap of 1 to 3 years is considered ideal — but some researchers suggest even a relationship with an age gap of less than 10 years will bring more satisfaction.

Still, numbers rarely tell the full story when it comes to love. It’s possible to be much older or younger than your partner and have exactly the right relationship for you.

“I am 15 years older than my husband. We have been together 35 years,” says Olson. “We are very compatible in most ways. The only time age has been an issue occurs with things like at what age we should retire,” he shares.

Research from 2014 connects marriages with larger age gaps with higher rates of divorce, although further research is necessary to confirm this link. But just because this link exists, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Regardless of age, some factors connected with relationship success include:

  • higher levels of education in both partners
  • financial security
  • having children
  • lower levels of neuroticism, or tendency to experience low moods, in both partners
  • secure attachment style in both partners
  • strong communication skills
  • supportive relationships with other family members
  • tendency to approach partner with forgiveness
  • high emotional intelligence
  • satisfaction with your sex life in the relationship

A relationship age gap is just one factor that can influence the success of your relationship. It won’t necessarily be the factor that makes or breaks your relationship since other factors can also play a role.

In relationships with large age differences, you might encounter a couple of additional roadblocks.

Social stigma

“With relationships, there will always be people on the outside looking in. Maybe even more so when outsiders visually see the age difference,” says Porche.

And in cultures where small relationship age gaps are more common, others may treat people in a relationship with a large age difference with judgment or criticism.

“The biggest challenge is facing criticism from those who feel there must be some ulterior motive for both of them,” says Olson.

For example, a younger partner might be accused of only choosing an older partner because of their wealth or status, and an older partner might be accused of choosing someone younger for the way they look.

Even if you and your partner are good at disregarding ignorant opinions of people you don’t know, it can hurt when friends or family are skeptical of a relationship you’re happy with.

Power imbalance

Large age differences can bring up the possibility of unbalanced power dynamics. Porche explains that even in a secure relationship, an older partner might assume an authoritative role.

If this happens, it can help to openly discuss this. “Younger partners can start the conversations by saying, ‘I’m not sure if you realize it, but you just totally made that decision for me, and I would prefer to be included in the decision process next time,’” says Porche.

A power imbalance can also happen if one partner uses their partner’s financial dependence as a way to exert control over them. Whether you and your partner are separated by a few or many years, this behavior is a sign the relationship may be a source of harm.

Whether you’re dealing with less-than-understanding loved ones or concerns about the future of the relationship as you both age, these tips could help you overcome the challenge together.

Set boundaries

“When people question or judge a relationship they are not a part of, they are overstepping the couple’s boundaries,” says Guarino. She emphasizes that setting boundaries with judgmental loved ones is a good way to remind them that even if they don’t understand your relationship, they need to respect it.

Communicate

Guarino says that with any challenge a couple may face, the ability to have open and honest conversations about the challenge is key. She highlights that it’s a good idea to make time for each partner to share how they feel.

Consider your responses to others

According to Olson, it may be necessary for you and your partner to desensitize yourselves to some critical comments you might encounter. It might also be a good idea to think of a few comebacks to the most common comments you receive.

Find your support network

When it comes to dealing with outside judgment about your relationship, Olson says, “Knowing other age-discrepant couples helps.”

Finding similar couples and creating a sense of community with them could also allow you and your partner to build friendships with others who “get it. ”

Counseling

If you and your partner are finding it difficult to navigate these challenges alone, you can also bring in some outside support. An understanding couples counselor could help you explore different avenues for handling these challenges and expressing your thoughts about them.

In any relationship, as well as those with large age differences, feeling secure with your partner is critical, reminds Porche. “You know who you are and what your relationship means to you,” she says.

If you find outside opinions are getting to you, Porche suggests this could be an opportunity to get curious and ask yourself why. It could help to consider if there’s anything you haven’t reconciled about the relationship or if there’s anything you would like to address with your partner.

While you might encounter judgment or stigma in response to your relationship, many factors can determine your relationship’s success — and age is just a small part of that picture.

Age difference between a man and a woman: how it affects relationships

The effect of age difference on relationships: Pixabay

Brigitte and Emmanuel Macron, Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa, Donald and Melania Trump, Alec and Hilaria Baldwin are prime examples of happy unions in which lovers have a solid age difference. Can lovers of different ages live a long happy life together or is their relationship doomed?

Age difference: how it affects relationships

Even a very significant difference in years in a relationship has ceased to shock the world. However, not all couples with a big age difference live happily "until death do us part ...", many lovers break up. How does age difference affect relationships?

Scientific research proves that age difference in a relationship matters to both partners. Playboy magazine writes that the chances of staying together decrease for lovers in proportion to the increase in the number of years that separate them. Here is the probability of a break:

  1. Difference up to 1 year - 3%.
  2. Difference up to 5 years - 18%.
  3. The difference from 10 to 19 years is 39%.
  4. Difference of 20 years or more - 95%.

Even more interesting studies were carried out by Sven Drefal, Doctor of Demography and Philosophy. The study of couples of different ages led the scientist to the conclusion that the age difference between a man and a woman affects the life expectancy of partners. Drefal found out that:

  • in marriages of different ages, when the wife is older than the husband, life expectancy decreases for both partners;
  • if the husband is older in a couple, a large difference in the age of the spouses contributes to an increase in the life expectancy of a man and a decrease in a woman.

In addition, the well-being of relationships is influenced by psycho-emotional factors, such as public opinion, the presence of common and illegitimate children, social status.

How does the age difference affect relationships: Pixabay

Is there an optimal age difference between spouses that guarantees a lasting union? Today there are several opinions.

Divide the age of the older partner by 2 and add 7

The Economist columnist Sumaya Keynes notes that the existing formula for calculating the ideal age gap between spouses is only good for theory.

Practical research has shown that on dating sites, women are mostly looking for a man of about their age. At the same time, men, regardless of their own age, are looking for girls around the age of 20 to meet.

Difference of 2‒5 years

The Economics and Life magazine tells that in a marriage where the age of the spouses practically does not differ, over time, the husband and wife become similar not only in habits, behavior, perception of the world, but also externally. It is easier for lovers to find mutual understanding, solve life problems, build a joint life.

Same-age partners

Scholars Andrew Francis-Tan and Hugo M. Mialon argue that peer marriages are the strongest. They found that unions in which the difference between the spouses of five years, break up 18% more often than unions of the same age partners.

Today, even in science, there is no exact formula for determining the ideal age difference in a couple. A well-known psychologist in the field of relationships, Anna Iotko, believes that only the person himself can create barriers to harmonious relationships.

Age difference: the man is significantly older

What are relationships with a big age difference built on and can spouses be happy if the partner is 10, 15, 20 or more years older?

Associate Professor, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Irina Khokh in her publication “The Specifics of Psychological Dissatisfaction in an Unequal Marriage” writes that respondents consider sexual harmony, which is influenced by the emotional maturity of partners, to be one of the main conditions for marital happiness in relationships of different ages.

But if we consider both the psychological and physiological aspects, then relationships with a difference in age have many pitfalls.

10 years difference

If spouses are 10 years apart, there is no difference in age when he is 30 and his partner is 20 years old. But as the partners get older and the wife reaches the age of 45-50, the sexual needs of one and the possibilities of the other may not match.

An example of a happy marriage with such a difference in age (11 years) is the union of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively.

15 years difference

When a man is 15 years older than his beloved, a woman seeks stability, an opportunity to gain experience that her peers cannot give. G. Zalevsky in the article “Marriages of different ages: psychological problems” writes that for a man, an alliance with a young partner is an opportunity to introduce looseness into intimate life, a way to increase self-esteem, and rejuvenate.

An example of a happy couple is George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin (17 years difference).

Difference of 20 or more years

Youth, naivety and freshness of the beloved attract a mature man. Girls find wisdom, experience, protection, stability, including material ones, in a mature lover.

The weak side of such marriages can be called various goals, life views, interests. If partners are connected by common interests or business, the marriage becomes stronger and happier.

For example, Bruce Willis is happily married to Emmy Heming, who is 23 years his junior.

It is wrong to think that over time spouses will become unhappy. Sociologists S. Klimova and M. Elyutina in the article “Unequal marriage: the social foundations of the combination of ages” indicate that the fact of the partner’s youth makes the older spouse take care of himself, keep his body in good shape at any age.

Age difference: the woman is much older

Marriage in which the woman is older than the man is not uncommon today. G. Zalevsky writes that in such a union, the sexual and emotional upsurge lasts about 3-5 years. When the second phase of a marriage hits, differences in lifestyle, interests, and intimate life can lead to problems and provoke divorce.

The union will be happy when partners love each other and realize that they really need this relationship. Then the desire to bring happiness, comfort, peace reigns between the spouses, and the difference in age, even very significant, is not felt by the spouses.

Mostly such marriages are entered into by self-sufficient, successful and financially independent women who have realized their potential. A young partner attracts a mature woman sexually more than a man of her age. Often women:

  • provide financial assistance to young husbands;
  • help realize dreams and aspirations;
  • promote career advancement;
  • suggest how to solve difficult situations.

In such a marriage, a man is in a state of psychological comfort, develops faster, becomes self-confident. A striking example is Brigitte and Emmanuel Macron.

In such families, most often the woman plays the role of the head of the family. If the state of affairs suits both partners, then the couple is able to live a happy and harmonious life.

But it happens that the role of a student, which suited a man before, begins to weigh him down. He grows up and understands that he wants to become the head of the family. Then conflicts and misunderstandings begin in the family. A woman is shocked and does not always agree to transfer the dominant role, become submissive and give the reins of power into the hands of a man.

In such a situation, G. Zalevsky advises:

  • give the man more freedom;
  • stop patronizing him;
  • let your partner make their own choices and decisions;
  • rate his willingness to take responsibility.

In terms of sexual relations, marriages with a difference in age develop very harmoniously. The wife has experience and strives for sex, and the man has a lot of strength and desire to make any of her dreams come true.

In such marriages, a woman subconsciously feels the fear of aging and loss of external attractiveness. A well-known psychologist in the field of relations M. Labkovsky writes that a woman's sexuality does not depend on age, size, beauty or body shape, but comes from within.

When she likes herself, feels attractive, she becomes sexy for men, age has absolutely nothing to do with it. Many happy couples have proven this, including the Duchess of Alba and her husband Alfonso Diez, Sam and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet.

You can find a huge number of advantages and disadvantages of a union of different ages, but they are unlikely to matter for lovers. Practice proves that such couples can find happiness and spend their lives together, because the number in the passport does not matter if the partners have found love.

Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/relationship/1382887-raznitsa-v-vozraste-mezhdu-muzhchinoy-i-zhenshchinoy-kak-ona-vliyayet-na-otnosheniya/

The most unfortunate age difference between a man and a woman (check your couple)

Of course, all couples are different. Some may not be able to cope with a big age difference, others consider it the key to a happy relationship. But in fact, this is exactly the area that researchers have carefully studied and analyzed in order to try to better understand people's habits and preferences regarding relationships and dating, as well as learn more about possible predictors of success.

Relationships can be difficult regardless of age, but in some cases the situation is exacerbated by this factor. Some research suggests that age difference between partners can be one of the things that makes dating easier or harder, depending on how many years separate you. Knowing the worst age ranges won't ultimately be decisive, but will help you get an idea of ​​what your relationship might be like, what to expect, and how an age difference can have a positive or negative effect on the outcome of a situation.

An article published in the Journal of Popular Economics in 2018 states that people who marry younger partners are initially happier, but this happiness and satisfaction in their relationship does not always last long, especially if the difference in age is great. It has also been found that couples with a large age gap may be less "resilient" when faced with financial and economic hardship compared to couples of similar age. But what age range can be considered the least successful?

10 years difference

For many, a 10 year age difference between two partners seems like the upper limit of what they think they can tolerate in a relationship, while for others it is still a fairly modest gap . However, a 10-year range carries the risk that the relationship won't last forever. An Emory University study found that when your age gap approaches 10 years, your marriage is about 39 more likely to end in divorce.percent. Again, not all couples with a 10-year age difference will have this experience, but it does happen with some frequency. One way or another, the success of any particular relationship depends on many different factors, but in this case it is worth putting more effort.

20 years difference

A 20 year age difference can also create a number of problems for a couple. However, some lovers manage to take control of the situation and achieve personal happiness. But, as the previously mentioned Emory University study found, if your marriage is about 20 years apart, the chances of your marriage ending in divorce are about 95 percent higher than if you were the same age. Some couples find the prospect rather daunting, while others accept the potential risk of the relationship ending as worth the happiness they currently experience.

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