Narcissistic woman cheating
Why Narcissists Have Affairs And Cheat On Their Spouses
Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes.
The Psychodynamic Process Enables Cheating
- In the quest for narcissistic supply, the somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests.
- Narcissists are easily bored (they have a low boredom threshold) and they have a low tolerance for boredom. Sexual dalliances alleviate this nagging and frustrating ennui.
- Narcissists maintain an island and focus of stability in their life, but all the other dimensions of their existence are chaotic, unstable, and unpredictable. This “twister” formation serves many emotional needs which I expound upon
elsewhere. Thus, a narcissist may be a model employee and pursue a career path over decades even as he cheats on his wife and fritters their savings away.
- Narcissists feel superior and important and so entitled to be above the law and to engage in behaviors that are frowned upon and considered socially unacceptable in others.They reject and vehemently resent all limitations and conditions placed upon them by their partners. They act on their impulses and desires unencumbered by social conventions and strictures.
- Marriage, monogamy, and child-bearing and rearing are common activities that characterize the average person.The narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these pursuits and coerced into the relationship and into roles – such as a husband and a father – that reduce him to the lowest of common denominators.This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by maintaining extramarital affairs.
- Narcissists are control freaks. Having a relationship implies a give-and-take and a train of compromises which the narcissist acutely interprets to mean a loss of control over his life.
To reassert control, the narcissist initiates other relationships in which he dictates the terms of engagement (love affairs). - Narcissists are terrified of intimacy. Their behavior is best characterized as an approach-avoidance repetition complex. Adultery is an excellent tool in the attempt to retard intimacy and resort to a less threatening mode of interaction.
Somatic & Cerebral Narcissists
Broadly speaking, there are two types of narcissists, loosely corresponding to the two categories mentioned in the question:
- Somatic Narcissist
- Cerebral Narcissist
Narcissists are misogynists. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually – or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act.
Sex And The Narcissist
The somatic narcissist uses sex to “conquer” and “secure” new sources of narcissistic supply.
Consequently, the somatic rarely gets emotionally-involved with his “targets”.
His is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. Acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive, basic, and common impulse.
The cerebral narcissist convinces himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intelligence and superhuman self-control.
Still, sex for both types of narcissists is an instrument designed to increase the number of Sources of Narcissistic Supply.
If it happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal, he makes profligate use of it.
In other words: if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) – he resorts to sex.
The Beginnings Of Cheating
He then becomes a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners.
His sex partners are considered by him to be objects – sources of Narcissistic Supply.
It is through the processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic “fix”.
The narcissist is likely to perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual exploits as a form of art.
He usually exposes this side of him – in great detail – to others, to an audience, expecting to win their approval and admiration.
The Act of Conquest Leads to Partner Hopping
Because the Narcissistic Supply in his case is in the very act of conquest and (what he perceives to be) subordination – the narcissist is forced to hop from one partner to another.
Some narcissists prefer “complicated” situations. If men – they prefer virgins, married women, frigid or lesbian women, etc.
The more “difficult” the target – the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome.
Rationalizing Behavior
Such a narcissist may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit contract between him and his spouse.
He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse.
In his mind a clear separation exists between the honest “woman of his life (really, a saint) and the whores that he is having sex with.
With the exception of the meaningful women in his life, he tends to view all females in a bad light.
His behavior, thus, achieves a dual purpose: securing Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand – and re-enacting old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment by Primary Objects and the Oedipal conflict, for instance).
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How Narcissists React To Abandonment
When inevitably abandoned by his spouse – the narcissist is veritably shocked and hurt. This is the sort of crisis, which might drive him to psychotherapy.
Still, deep inside, he feels compelled to continue to pursue precisely the same path.
Depression and Anger
His abandonment is cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep depression and suicidal ideation – the narcissist is likely to feel cleansed, invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next round of hunting.
RELATED ARTICLE: Alphabetical List Of Mental Disorders
But there is another type of narcissist.
He also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard them as objects. However, with him, this is a secondary behavior. It appears mainly after major narcissistic traumas and crises.
A painful divorce, a devastating personal financial upheaval – and this type of narcissist adopts the view that the “old” (intellectual) solutions do not work anymore.
He frantically gropes and searches for new ways to attract attention, to restore his False Ego (=his grandiosity) and to secure a subsistence level of Narcissistic Supply.
Sex is handy and is a great source of the right kind of supply: it is immediate, sexual partners are interchangeable, the solution is comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of the narcissist’s being), natural, highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable.
Thus, following a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be deeply involved in sexual activities – very frequently and almost to the exclusion of all other matters.
Recovery and Isolation from Other Women
However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the narcissistic wounds heal, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-commences and the balance is restored – this second type of narcissist reveals his true colours.
He abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his sexual partners. The frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a few times a day – to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex.
This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that he fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual encounter.
In general, such a narcissist withdraws not only sexually – but also emotionally. If married – he loses all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise.
He confines himself to his world and makes sure that he is sufficiently busy to preclude any interaction with his nearest (and supposedly dearest).
He becomes completely immersed in “big projects”, lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause – all very rewarding narcissistically and all very demanding and time consuming. In such circumstances, sex inevitably becomes an obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance chore reluctantly undertaken to preserve his sources of supply (his family or household).
The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and by far prefers masturbation or “objective”, emotionless sex, like going to prostitutes.
Actually, he uses his mate or spouse as an “alibi”, a shield against the attentions of other women, an insurance policy which preserves his virile image while making it socially and morally commendable for him to avoid any intimate or sexual contact with others.
Ostentatiously ignoring women other than his wife (a form of aggression) he feels righteous in saying: “I am a faithful husband”.
At the same time, he feels hostility towards his spouse for ostensibly preventing him from freely expressing his sexuality, for isolating him from carnal pleasures.
The narcissist’s thwarted logic goes something like this: “I am married/attached to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in any form of contact with other women which might be interpreted as more than casual or businesslike.
This is why I refrain from having anything to do with women – because I am being faithful, as opposed to most other immoral men.
However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can have as much sex and romance as they want to – while I am confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex with her.”
Thus frustrated, the narcissist minimizes all manner of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional.
He limits himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself socially.
His reclusion insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads. But, again, this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old, unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he really is left alone by everyone, with no Secondary Sources of Supply.
The Cycle Begins Again
In his quest to find new sources, he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional absence and cruel detachment leading to abandonment.
The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse. He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and asexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality).
In the second phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore, not compelled to “cheat” upon his mate, betray her, or violate the marital vows.
He is much more interested in preventing a worrisome dwindling of the kind of Narcissistic Supply that really matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better.
Somatic narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They tend to brag in graphic details about their conquests and exploits.
In extreme cases, they might introduce “live witnesses” and revert to total, classical exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency to “objectify” their sexual partners, to engage in emotionally-neutral sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in autoerotic sex.
The exhibitionist sees himself reflected in the eyes of the beholders. This constitutes the main sexual stimulus, this is what turns him on. This outside “look” is also what defines the narcissist.
There is bound to be a connection. One (the exhibitionist) may be the culmination, the “pure case” of the other (the narcissist).
Sin of self-love possesseth all mine eye
And all my soul and all my every part;
And for this sin there is no remedy,
It is so grounded inward in my heart.
Methinks no face so gracious is as mine,
No shape so true, no truth of such account;
And for myself mine own worth do define,
As I all other in all worths surmount.
But when my glass shows me myself indeed,
Beated and chopp’d with tann’d antiquity,
Mine own self-love quite contrary I read;
Self so self-loving were iniquity.
‘Tis thee, myself, that for myself I praise,
Painting my age with beauty of thy days.
(Sonnet 62, William Shakespeare)
10 Narcissist Cheating Signs & How to Confront Them
In This Article
Do you suspect your partner may be cheating on you? Do they tend to disappear for days on end and not answer your calls until they return? Do they get all accusatory when you confront them about disappearances and unfaithful behavior?
Are they constantly glued to their phone and shady on social media?
As much as you may not want to hear it, you may be dealing with a cheating narcissist.
These are only some of the common narcissist cheating signs. But before exploring them, let’s dig deeper into narcissistic cheater traits and the reasons for infidelity.
Who is a narcissistic person?
Narcissistic people often feel entitled and superior to others and have a massive ego that they need to feed regularly. They crave constant attention and want people to admire them.
They are self-centered, manipulative, and often project their infidelity to their partner.
They feel the need to control their partner, and that power trip isn’t satisfied with just one person. The more people they seduce, the more powerful they feel.
Do narcissists feel remorse for cheating on their partners?
Unfortunately, they don’t.
If they felt any guilt, they would perhaps be able to change their behavior and stop cheating.
No consequence is enough to turn them around because, in their eyes, cheating isn’t anything serious.
It’s just a way to make them feel better about themselves.
And since they lack remorse for their actions, nothing stops them from doing it again.
Related Reading: Signs You Are Married to a Narcissist
Why do narcissists cheat and lie?
Narcissists often cheat because they have little to no self-control. It’s not usually in their nature to resist the temptation to feed their ego with new sources of attention.
Poor impulse control, a big ego, exaggerated feelings of self-importance, delusions of grandeur, lack of remorse, empathy and shame, and a constant need for narcissistic supply are the key reasons why narcissists lie and cheat on their partners.
Most of all, they simply think they can get away with it.
Now that you have a better idea of why narcissists lie and cheat, you may be wondering:
Do all narcissists cheat on their partners?
Narcissists and cheating often go hand in hand, but you’ll be happy to know that not all narcissists cheat.
You wouldn’t say that all cheaters are narcissists, would you? The same goes the other way around.
Just because your partner may have some narcissistic cheater traits doesn’t mean that they’re going to sneak behind your back and become unfaithful.
Still, a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) does make a person more likely to lie and cheat for no good reason and do it repeatedly.
Related Reading: How to Deal With a Narcissist in a Relationship?
10 signs a narcissist is cheating on you
Knowing narcissist cheating signs and how to recognize that your partner may be having an affair can save you a lot of potential pain and heartache.
These are the telltale narcissist cheating signs you should be aware of:
1. Disappearing frequently and being vague about their whereaboutsThe first in the list of narcissist cheating signs is that many cheating narcissists tend to drop off the face of the Earth regularly and not take their partner’s calls for hours or days on end.
Even if you live together, they may not find it difficult to find excuses to go away for several days. They could say they’re visiting a friend or a distant relative that lives in another city.
Obviously, they don’t need to disappear for long periods to have an affair. But if they’re unreachable for hours, they may be seeing someone else.
2. Flirting on social mediaFlirting with someone else on social media may be a sign a narcissist is cheating on you.
You know what they say, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”
If you confront your partner about it, they may say that they’re only friends. However, if they’re publicly flirting on social media, it only means they don’t respect you or care about what you or others might think.
3. Not putting their phone down or letting you anywhere near itOne of the narcissist cheating signs or for anyone, in general, is that when anyone is cheating, they usually communicate with their flings via text messages.
That’s why their phone isn’t likely to leave their side. It’s also always password-protected.
If there’s a chance of their fling calling, they’re likely to keep their phone in silent mode and inside their pocket.
4. Accusing you of having an affair“The best defense is a good offense.”
If you accuse your narcissistic partner of having an affair, they’re probably going to deny it, even if it’s true.
But to turn the focus away from their infidelity, they might start accusing you of cheating. Projection is a narcissist’s defense mechanism and clearly one of the narcissist cheating signs that they use to play the victim and throw you off the scent.
5. Sudden changes in behaviorHas your partner started paying much more attention to their hygiene and appearance? Have they started being sneaky and coming home late? Maybe they no longer answer their phone while you’re around?
If you notice any unusual behavior changes that indicate infidelity, and your gut is telling you that something fishy is going on, it may be one of those narcissist cheating signs, and you may be right.
If your partner suddenly seems uninterested in you physically, they may be satisfying their needs elsewhere.
The same is true if they start displaying a higher libido than usual. It may mean that the person they’re cheating you with isn’t currently available, so they turn to you again.
7. Canceling plans frequentlyWhether you’re dating a cheating narcissist or you’re married to one, canceling plans at the last minute may be signs of a narcissist cheating as they’ve made other plans.
They may say it’s because of work or anything else important that came up. While that may be true at times, it screams infidelity if it happens all the time.
8. Avoiding a conversation about their cagey behaviorConfronting a narcissist about lies, cheating, and their cagey behavior only makes them behave shadier. They rarely want to talk things out because they aren’t likely to admit they’re seeing someone else, which is one of the important signs of a cheating narcissist.
If you accuse your partner of cheating, you may give them an excellent excuse to disappear for a while to avoid having a serious conversation.
9. Showering you with gifts out of the blueIf your partner isn’t used to buying you gifts, but they start doing it frequently, they may be trying to throw you off the scent of their unfaithful actions.
Making you feel special all of a sudden is one of the most common manipulation techniques of a narcissist. They make their partners think they’re thoughtful and caring and that they would never cheat on them.
The video below talks about different games narcissists play, like dehumanizing, blame-shifting, etc. Find out more:
If you’re dating a cheating narcissist, you probably don’t have an insight into their spending.
But if you’re married to one and discover unidentifiable charges on their credit card, they may be buying gifts for someone else.
Talking about finances are essential in marriage but such signs of a cheating narcissist are true if they insist you switch to separate bank accounts after having a joint account for years.
Related Reading: Can a Narcissist Change for Love?
What happens when you confront a narcissist cheater?
If you notice any of the red flags above and they turn out to be true, it’s important to understand that cheating is not your fault. Most narcissists will cheat on anyone they’re with, especially when the relationship or marriage is already well-established.
It’s also crucial to understand that being cheated on by a narcissist doesn’t mean that you’re less intelligent than they are.
Quite the contrary.
Narcissists often think they’re cleverer than their partners and that they can get away with cheating.
Underestimating their partners is how they make mistakes and get caught.
Now, confronting a narcissist cheater may not go the way you imagine.
When a narcissist is caught cheating and lying, they often make up a heap of more lies to convince you that they’ve been nothing but faithful. Even if you have evidence of cheating, they’re likely to deny everything and even project their infidelity onto you.
Getting angry and gaslighting you may also be their response.
But what happens when they can no longer deny the evidence? What if you catch them in the act?
Then they might blame you for their cheating.
They may think of a dozen reasons why it was allegedly your behavior that made them seek attention outside your relationship or marriage. Narcissists will say anything to turn the focus away from them and blame it on someone else.
Related Reading: What Revenge Tactics You Can Expect from a NarcissistTakeaway
If you can, try to talk with your partner
These narcissist cheating signs may not always indicate an affair.
But if your partner displays those signs, you should have an honest talk with them to try and find out the reasons for their behavior. The way they respond when you confront them should tell you if they’ve been faithful or not.
If you want to work on your relationship, you should see a mental health professional or a relationship counselor to sort things out, especially if the relationship is not an abusive one.
But even if they haven’t been cheating, you may be better off without them. You deserve a loving, caring, and loyal partner who respects you and makes you happy.
My wife is a daffodil - KP.RU
Komsomolskaya Pravda
House. FamilyRelationshipsOpinions
Daria ZAVGORODNYA
September 26, 2018 22:00
Is there a “narcissistic personality disorder”? Or was it invented by American psychologists to take more money from people?
There are too many daffodils around, you can't cure them all. Photo: Ekaterina MARTINOVICH
A bunch of studies confirm that daffodils are more often men.
But there are also women. nine0004
“I am completely confused in my life… I got married two years ago. My wife is very beautiful, smart, passionate, active. When I saw her, the ground fell from under my feet. We collaborated on work, she showed brilliance and class in her work (she is a translator and business consultant). I fell in love. Filled with flowers, gifts, attention. Made an offer. She did not immediately agree, they lived for some time without painting.
In the first months I could not believe that such a girl chose me. Lived like a dream, did everything for her: a vacation in Mauritius? Please! Shopping in Europe - will be done. A fur coat for fifteen thousand euros is not a question. At the same time, he resignedly transferred fifty thousand to her card every month. nine0004
So I did not notice myself how I turned into a fairy-tale character. But not in a handsome prince, but in a man from a casket. He jumped out of the casket, granted wishes, got back and slammed the lid.
She does not want children, although she is already twenty-eight. He wants to work and look for himself. And most importantly, as a person she is generally indifferent to me. Although I am a versatile person, I have something to talk about ... And she talks to me. But only about his precious person. I don't remember when we talked about MY life, or about anything else besides it. After all, she is a star. She has an identity crisis every two months. And I - well, what can be interesting in my life? A simple deputy general director in a small company. Well, two diplomas of international importance. Well, nothing. nine0004
When we lived together for a while, I saw some details. Constantly changes jobs. He settles down, powders the brains of everyone there with his genius, then leaves with a scandal. Not a single salary is worthy of her royal person. She also doesn’t have a university diploma, which she talked about a lot at the beginning: she dropped out of her third year, as it turned out.
Yes, she is capable, she grasps everything on the fly, but writing a business letter - even in Russian - is a problem for her.
Like a donkey after a carrot, I was jogging after it. As long as you don't fall in love! But it looks like she fell out of love anyway. Relationships are getting dimmer and dimmer. Increasingly, he takes offense at me and sends me to “ignore”. To the question "what happened?" replies: “I don’t know” and can be silent for whole days. For example, simply because I came home from work late. Either I asked an unpleasant question, or I answered another request: “Wait, cat, there is no money yet.” nine0004
This, in fact, prompted me to go to a psychologist. And the psychologist stunned me: "Your wife has a narcissistic personality disorder." Never heard of such a disease. I bought literature, and the psychologist told me something. It's interesting that you know about it.
Best regards,
Vladimir, 39 years old.”
I remember, having learned about narcissism, I began to feel its symptoms in myself.
Found a couple. Calmed down. Because a "disorder" is when you have more than four of the signs described in the old American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Here they are:
1. Grandiose conceit. “I am an ordinary person,” is something a narcissist would never say about himself. Rather: "I am the smartest and most talented navel of the earth."
2. Fantasizes about great success, power, splendor, beauty, or ideal love. To love like a queen, to steal, like a million.
3. Belief in one's own uniqueness. He believes that only the most intelligent, rich, famous will understand him (underline as necessary). nine0043
4. In dire need of admiration. We all need recognition, but these guys especially - every second.
5. Treats people selfishly. Looking for benefits in a relationship. If a person has quarreled with all his relatives and is almost not friends with anyone, there is reason to think: “Are you a narcissist, my friend?”.
6. Thinks he has some special rights. Everyone should jump around him and fulfill any whim. Why? Yes, by the way. I remember recently in the store: a lady in a "leopard" dress swears for a long time and in detail with the cashier, and the queue is standing and waiting. nine0043
7. Does not know how to sympathize. In general, other people's emotions do not care for him.
8. Terribly envious of successful people, although he is unlikely to admit it. Envy masks criticism. Sometimes he thinks that everyone is jealous of him.
9. Arrogant and arrogant with those who do not occupy a very high position in society. He does not greet the cleaners, in short.
At one time, American psychiatrists considered these "superhumans" to be sick people, but then they refused to treat them: there are too many daffodils around, you can't cure them all. And they don't want to either. nine0004
I agree with the Americans.
A bad person is not a diagnosis. What difference does it make to you what your wife's bad temper is called? At least call it a pot, but you have to get divorced.
You, dear readers, probably also want to add something else to what has been said. And tell me your thoughts, feelings, stories by mail [email protected].
If I publish, I will change the name, age, place of action.
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Signs of infidelity or how to live with a narcissist.
FIVE SIGNS OF MALE CHEATING
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"Don't get into our love triangle - there are seven of us anyway" 😆
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It would be funny if it weren't so sad. According to statistics, 86% of women face male infidelity in their lives 😒 Signs that may indicate that indeed, an extra angle has appeared in a couple:
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⚖️ TIRED AT WORK
He comes home exhausted, detached, does not want to, as before , talk to you.
When you ask "What happened?" Nothing, just tired. And so day after day. A reason to be wary if this fatigue has become sudden. nine0108 ⠀
⚖️ BECAME PICKING
last 15 years. And now he already sees flaws in you and finds fault from scratch: she left the cup in the sink, put on too bright makeup, stayed at work. Has he often complained to you? Attack is the best defense.
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⚖️PASSWORDS APPEARED
Previously, his phone was on the table, and you could easily take it, but now he hides it, just like his death? In a bag, a bag in a duck, a duck in a hare and all this under passwords, codes, fingerprints ... perhaps worth thinking about😔
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⚖️ CONSTANTLY MISSING
Closes in the toilet for 45 minutes. Leaves to walk the dog for 2 hours instead of 30 minutes. He stays late at work every day, citing overtime. On weekends he hangs out with friends, but he doesn’t take you with him. All this is suspicious 🙄
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⚖️NEW HABITS
Suddenly signed up for the gym.
Suddenly quit smoking, suddenly grew a beard. Suddenly he began to play the guitar again, as in his student days, and in general he suddenly became more confident in himself. I began to carefully monitor my appearance and use a new perfume. Of course, such changes are for the better, but it is worthwhile to figure out what (or who?) caused them? 🤔
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One of the favorite methods of the narcissist is triangulation, or in other words, the love triangle. Hearing this term, the victims usually represent as one of the sides of the triangle the partners who came to replace them, but this is not always the case. Narcissists use triangulation all the time to validate their own worth and to keep you in a state of excruciating uncertainty. To do this, they use anything and anyone:
🔱 Your family members;
🔱 Members of your family; nine0108 🔱Your friends;
🔱My friends;
🔱 Former partners;
🔱Potential future partners;
🔱Total strangers.
🔱Cat, dog, job.
..
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Narcissists create situations in which you are forced to be jealous and doubt their loyalty. In normal relationships, people are looking for an opportunity to prove they are trustworthy, while narcissists do exactly the opposite. They constantly hint that they have other options or spend time with other people on purpose to keep you in constant anxiety. And they will always deny it, calling you crazy to keep you insecure. nine0108 ⠀
The problem is that at the stage of seduction you are used to increased attention to yourself, so you feel very strange and confused when they shift the focus of attention to other people. Narcissists know this. They “forget” about joint plans and prefer to spend a few days with friends who are forced to listen to their complaints about you. They will ignore you in order to spend more time with their family, which at first was said to be terrible people, they will seek sympathy from former partners, explaining this by the fact that they are connected by ties of a special friendship that you cannot understand.
And often—if not always! - they characterize previous partners as crazy and heartless. Seeking attention, sympathy, and comfort from strangers behind your back is a very common tactic of narcissists. nine0108 ⠀
You, as an empathic person, a constant partner, rightfully believe that you can give him the necessary comfort. You used to always help him, so what has changed now? Once he said that he was crushed by circumstances, and you literally revived him to life.
But now he's back to his "special friendship," his past relationship, because there's something you can't understand. At the same time, he cannot do otherwise than by poking you into it with his nose.
⠀
Let's move on to the next topic - social networks. nine0108 ⠀
Modern technology makes it easier for narcissists to manipulate through triangulation. It can be as simple as expressing sympathy or liking a comment from a previous partner, while ignoring your feelings. They will “accidentally” post photos on their page with a previous partner, whom they previously remembered only with hatred.
It would seem that they act unintentionally and you attribute their actions to their tactlessness, but make no mistake: tricks are carefully calculated. They will post ambiguous statuses, songs, videos that hint that you might "lose" their love. They share links that will supposedly lure new and old victims into their network. They kill two birds with one stone at the same time. With one shot, they hit two targets: destroy your personality and lure other victims. nine0108 On the one hand, this is a painful prick to you, on the other hand, the misdeeds of narcissists are so insignificant that you will look like an inadequate jealous psycho if you mention your discontent. They will always justify themselves in everything, while you will find yourself to blame. Covert violence is impossible to prove because it is always carefully camouflaged. You can't say that he is pinging his ex-partners by posting some songs on his profile, but intuitively you feel it. This is how they work to shake our psyches.
Let's be honest: complaints about statuses and comments on social networks look frivolous. This is exactly what the narcissist wants: to put you in a stupid position. nine0108
Narcissists are also great at surrounding themselves with generous but insecure people whose self-esteem is raised by caring for others. Your investments over time will be assessed as insignificant, opinions about you will change in the course of the relationship. Narcissists demonstratively begin to sympathize with others for qualities that you do not have, sometimes even for the exact opposite of yours.
Their purpose is simple: to let you know that you are no longer "special" to him. You are replaceable. If you don't give him the honors he deserves, he will always get them from other people. And even if you become a source of positive emotions for him, they will still bother him over time. He doesn't need you. Fans of a new round of narcissistic play will look into his mouth and admire him, making you believe that he must be a truly unique person.
However, take a closer look around. You will notice that they all seem to look smaller than him. nine0108
The final triangulation occurs when the narcissist decides to leave you. A sign of readiness to break up is talking about how upsetting the connection with you causes him, and that he is not sure that he will be able to cope with this in the future. He may mention that he talked with his close friend about your relationship in great detail, and that they both came to the conclusion that this relationship is dysfunctional. At the same time, he brazenly ignores your desperate attempts to discuss everything. You will puzzle over why he does not want to talk to you about his concerns, because your relationship is primarily about the two of you. nine0108 ⠀
The reason, in fact, is that he has already decided to leave you, and now he is simply mocking you. He "consults" only with those people with whom he has the same points of view. And the "friend" with whom he discusses you is most likely slated as the next victim.
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After a breakup, he will openly brag about his "happiness" with a new partner, while most normal people in this situation would feel very uncomfortable and tried to hide the fact that they started a new relationship so quickly after breaking up. Even more surprising is that he seems to be waiting for you to be happy for him. Otherwise, you are just an embittered and envious person. nine0108 ⠀
The period of "dance on the bones" begins. If you humiliate yourself in front of a narcissist or beg him to come back, then most likely he is satisfied with the emotional display of attention in his address. He may feel contempt and triumph at the same time watching your behavior.
If you persist in trying to bring him to clean water, he will try to do everything to drive you to suicide. Even if later you return to him with remorse, he will hate you, because once you spoke to him quite harshly. You saw too clearly the muzzle of a predator under the mask of a human face.
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That is why he constantly looms in front of you in the photos posted on the network, embracing with his new partner, publicly demonstrating his unearthly happiness. To prove their own well-being and impeccability. This is his latest attempt to drive you crazy with triangulation. So that you blame the new victim for everything, and not the true offender.
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Former partners who continue to feel attachment to the narcissist and remain “friends” with them do not understand that they have become puppets controlled by him. On the contrary, it seems to them that they are carrying out some high mission, fulfilling a friendly duty, expressing their readiness to always come to the rescue. What they don't realize is that the narcissist keeps them close to him to entertain him when he gets bored. They do not notice that they are involved in numerous confrontations, not because friendship with a narcissist is something special and exceptional, but because the narcissist deliberately creates dramatic situations.
They do this under the delusion that their friendship with the narcissist is some kind of special, unique, and rare relationship. But in fact, they are simply used for triangulation. nine0004
🔱1. He surrounds you with declarations of love and compliments.
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You think that this is the perfect partner for you.
When you first meet a narcissist, things move quickly. He inspires you that you have a lot in common, that you are perfect for each other. Like a chameleon, it reflects your hopes, dreams, fears to form trusting and exciting relationships. He constantly wants to communicate with you and seems to be completely fascinated by you. Your social media wall will be littered with songs, compliments, poems, and cute jokes that only the two of you can understand. nine0108 ⠀
🔱2. He hunts for your emotions by telling compassionate stories.
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You will quickly find a place in your heart to pity him. Because he's so sweet and innocent. Completely different from the cinematic images of psychopaths - cruel men with a contemptuous smile in an expensive car.
Surely he will mention his ex, who is still in love with him. But all he wants is peace and quiet, he hates drama. However, you will soon notice that dramatic stories constantly surround him and people close to him. nine0108 ⠀
🔱3. It involves you in a love triangle.
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Once you are hooked, you will find yourself in a love triangle and even a polygon. The narcissist will surround himself with former and potential lovers and anyone who pays attention to him. There will be former ones that he told you about before and assured you that you are superior to them in everything. You will feel embarrassed, and you will get the impression that he is always in demand from the opposite sex.
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🔱4. He constantly distorts reality and behaves abnormally. nine0108
The narcissist always denies that he is manipulating you and ignores even the actual evidence of this. He reacts critically and dismissively if you try to disprove his tales with facts. He will shift the blame for the situation on you: you are too impressionable and inadequately perceive the situation.
He will convince you that the problem is not with him, but with your incorrect reaction to normal events.
🔱5. He accuses you of the emotions that he himself provokes.
Narcissist will say that you are too jealous, although you openly flirted with your ex, often even on social networks, for everyone to see. He will say that you are too clingy, although he deliberately ignored you for several days. He provokes your reaction in order to show his other targets how hysterical you are and to evoke sympathy for himself. Do you think you are a calm person? Meeting a narcissist will change you beyond recognition. Fortunately, temporarily. nine0108 ⠀
🔱6. You notice pathological lies and excuses.
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He always has an excuse, even in situations where it is not required. He comes up with another lie faster than you can ask a question. He constantly blames others, but he himself is always at fault. He spends time inventing explanations for his behavior rather than improving it.
Even when caught in an outright lie, he does not express remorse or embarrassment. Sometimes it seems like he wanted you to catch him.
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🔱7. He provokes jealousy and rivalry while maintaining a mask of innocence. nine0108 ⠀
At first, all the attention of the narcissist is focused on you. And you don't understand what happens when he suddenly switches to another person. He constantly does things that make you doubt that you mean anything to him. If he is active in social networks, then he lures the former with songs, photos, jokes that were significant for their couple. He seems to be actively looking for a partner and at the same time ignores you.
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🔱8. It holds your attention and undermines your self-esteem.
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First, he showers you with a debilitating stream of admiration, and then he becomes uninteresting in you. It hurts you, because you are already on fire with this passionate relationship. And now you feel like a housekeeper with him and nothing more.
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🔱9. The narcissist is selfish and demands relentless attention.
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He sucked all the energy out of you and filled your whole life with himself. He demands constant worship of himself. You thought that you were the only person capable of making him happy, but now you understand that anyone with a beating pulse is suitable for this role. But the truth is that no one can fill the void in the soul of a narcissist. nine0004
🔱10. You don't recognize yourself.
Your love and compassion has turned into overwhelming panic and anxiety. You apologize and cry more than you ever have in your life. You sleep poorly and wake up in a bad and anxious mood. You cannot understand what happened to you, where is this cheerful, laid-back, calm person now? After communicating with a narcissist, you feel exhausted, devastated and deprived of an adequate perception of the world. Life rolls upside down: you spend money, break ties with friends and loved ones, and constantly look for the reason for these actions.
