Inability to accept responsibility
What Is Responsibility Deficit Disorder? I Psych Central
It’s natural to feel overwhelmed by daily responsibilities, but if you throw caution to the wind and neglect even small obligations, it may be a sign of something more.
Your responsibilities are the things in life you’re held accountable for. They may be small duties, such as attending to your personal hygiene, or actions that impact the lives of others, such as preparing meals for your child.
Or perhaps you have trouble taking responsibility for mistakes or admitting when you’re wrong.
Some people might have told you that you’re irresponsible or immature.
If you have trouble accepting responsibility for wrongdoings or notice that you avoid taking on responsibility in your daily life, understanding the reason why this happens can help you learn to manage these behaviors.
Responsibility deficit disorder is not a clinical disorder recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR).
Instead, it’s a term given to acknowledge a consistent type of shared experience where someone displays long-term patterns of irresponsible behavior.
“Trending topics such as ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’ and ‘quiet quitting’ give language to shared experiences and provide a sense of meaning and validation when we’re able to say, ‘Yeah, me too!’ explains Kim Bielak, associate marriage and family therapist from Pasadena, California.
Living with a lack of responsibility that’s excessive and out of your control might not align with the formal criteria for any clinical diagnosis. But working with a mental health professional can help you determine whether it may be a symptom of a mental health condition and recommend strategies to help.
Lack of responsibility as a symptom
While responsibility deficit disorder is not considered a formal diagnosis, Raffaello Antonino, a counseling psychologist and senior lecturer in counseling psychology from London, notes that the behaviors may be a part of the symptomology of other DSM-5-TR mental health conditions, including:
- antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)
- depression
- attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
What sets these formal conditions apart from a persistent pattern of irresponsibility is the presence of other, more prevalent symptoms.
Antonino explains that depression, for example, often presents with low energy levels and a lack of motivation that may come off as a lack of responsibility but may be the result of mood dysregulation.
Similarly, symptoms of antisocial personality disorder involve features of irresponsible behavior, but the underlying traits are a lack of remorse and empathy — a general disregard for others.
Little research exists into why an excessive pattern of irresponsibility occurs, but several factors may come into play.
Personality
According to Antonino, the dominance of certain personality traits, for example, might be one reason you may live with a lower sense of responsibility.
“Responsibility deficit is also likely related to low conscientiousness, which is a general personality trait,” he says. “We’re all more or less conscientious. But low conscientiousness is related to a general ‘take it easy’ stance toward life and potential avoidance of responsibilities.
”
Anxiety
Bielak indicates that low responsibility may also be a response to anxiety.
She states that, more often than not, she witnesses behaviors such as avoidance, procrastination, and impulsivity as ways for people to avoid what makes them anxious or uncomfortable.
“Whether it’s fear of failure, a sense of impostor syndrome or inadequacy, or even resentment and dread related to a task at hand, people can come across as aloof, forgetful, or even dissociated when they unconsciously try to avoid things that cause them discomfort,” she says.
Bielak adds that this link to anxiety is solidified by the fact that someone may experience the opposite response in the face of anxiety — over-responsibility and micromanaging.
Narcissism as a cultural trait
Narcissism as a personality trait involves self-centered or entitled behavior that Dr. Thomas Plante, a licensed psychologist from Santa Clara, California, says has become more prevalent in modern culture.
“People too often think their troubles are due to the influence of others,” he states. “They see themselves as victims, and when they screw up, they’re quick to blame others.”
This entitled approach can take the responsibility off that person and shift the blame to someone else.
Low responsibility can be a trait of disorders such as antisocial personality disorder and depression, but recognized clinical disorders have defined diagnostic criteria that go beyond irresponsibility.
There’s no set pattern of behavior, but signs may include:
- financial irresponsibility (such as late paying bills or frivolous spending)
- impulsivity
- rash decisions
- inability to meet deadlines
- habitual lateness
- lack of planning ahead
- procrastination
- avoidance
- forgetfulness
- postponement
- a need for instant gratification activities
If irresponsibility is considered a symptom of another mental health condition, such as ASPD, it may be listed as a co-occurring condition.
“In other cases, responsibility deficit can be seen as a consequence of antisocial personality disorder, and that’s when the lack of responsibility has a more chaotic character,” explains Antonino. “People who have ASPD can be highly energetic and always into something, so much so that they impulsively delay or completely disregard their main responsibilities such as family, work, and education.”
Responsibility deficit disorder vs. Peter Pan syndrome
Responsibility deficit disorder is a term used to recognize persistent patterns of irresponsibility.
Peter Pan syndrome is another informal condition that contains elements of irresponsibility. But in this condition, research from 2007 indicates that the underlying factor is a fear of loneliness, which may cause someone to cling to childhood and the need to be cared for.
Holding yourself accountable isn’t always easy. To help improve a consistent pattern of irresponsibility, consider finding ways to reinforce responsible behaviors.
Boundaries
You may be more likely to hold true to responsibilities if something is on the line. Plante recommends setting boundaries as a good place to start.
Outside assistance with this may be required. You can ask a friend or family member to hold you accountable if you aren’t certain you’ll be able to do it yourself.
For example, you and your partner may decide not to indulge in date night if you spent more than that week’s budget.
Addressing underlying factors
Kara Nassour, a licensed professional counselor from Austin, Texas, suggests examining why you might find responsibility a challenge.
If there’s a real issue getting in your way, such as underdeveloped organizational skills, taking steps to improve in that area may make those responsibilities less stressful.
“Remember that being responsible is a collection of habits you can develop over time, not a trait you were born without,” she says.
Anxiety management
If these behaviors stem from anxiety, developing management strategies may help.
Options include:
- yoga and other free-flow movement formats
- music
- mediation
- sleep hygiene
- regular exercise
- grounding techniques
- humor
- deep breathing exercises
- limiting alcohol and caffeine
- whole foods and probiotics
Enlisting assistance
You may find friends, family, and mechanical assistance can be helpful toward improving responsibility.
Friends and family can provide gentle reminders and transport help. Digital devices can be set with to-do lists and alerts.
Online bill pay can help you set up automatic payments.
Seeking professional guidance
“The best way to overcome this problem would be to start talking with a psychotherapist,” says Antonino. “CBT, thanks to its structure and focus on everyday issues, is perhaps the best approach to tackle low responsibility.”
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you set goals, monitor progress, and find which task management processes work best for you.
“Homework is often assigned to practice tasks in between sessions, then observing how the client is changing not only cognitively but also emotionally and behaviorally,” Antonino says.
Irresponsibility often impacts the lives of those close to the person displaying these behaviors. Missed obligations and lack of responsibility can leave an impression of disinterest or absence of care and consideration.
Remembering empathy
“If you or someone in your life has ongoing issues with responsibility, it’s important to come from a place of compassion,” reminds Bielak. “Just like ADHD, people’s behaviors often come from a much longer and complicated history than meets the eye, and actually make sense when put in context.”
Taking an active role
Understanding that your loved one may need assistance in managing responsibility can help you take an active role in helping them improve those behaviors.
You can offer to reach out with reminders, provide transport, or engage in the desired activity with them to encourage timeliness.
Setting your own boundaries
You can set your own boundaries for expected behavior — and stick to them.
Holding your loved one accountable can help them understand the positive and negative consequences of their actions.
Defining expectations
Defining tasks and expectations can help keep someone on task. Step-by-step processes can provide a way to reach small, attainable goals that result in the final product.
Well-defined tasks can help take the uncertainty out of major obligations that can be a source of anxiety and apprehension.
Small goals can also help build a sense of accomplishment that rewards responsible behavior.
While responsibility deficit disorder isn’t a recognized clinical diagnosis in the DSM-5-RT, excessive responsibility deficit is real and is an experience shared by many others.
Anxiety, cultural norms, and personality traits may all play a role in these behaviors, and for some people, might be a symptom of an underlying mental health condition such as depression, ADHD, or ASPD.
Whether you or a loved one is living with an excessive responsibility deficit, establishing boundaries, accountability, and managing anxiety may help limit the impact on your life.
What Is Responsibility Deficit Disorder? I Psych Central
It’s natural to feel overwhelmed by daily responsibilities, but if you throw caution to the wind and neglect even small obligations, it may be a sign of something more.
Your responsibilities are the things in life you’re held accountable for. They may be small duties, such as attending to your personal hygiene, or actions that impact the lives of others, such as preparing meals for your child.
Or perhaps you have trouble taking responsibility for mistakes or admitting when you’re wrong.
Some people might have told you that you’re irresponsible or immature.
If you have trouble accepting responsibility for wrongdoings or notice that you avoid taking on responsibility in your daily life, understanding the reason why this happens can help you learn to manage these behaviors.
Responsibility deficit disorder is not a clinical disorder recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR).
Instead, it’s a term given to acknowledge a consistent type of shared experience where someone displays long-term patterns of irresponsible behavior.
“Trending topics such as ‘revenge bedtime procrastination’ and ‘quiet quitting’ give language to shared experiences and provide a sense of meaning and validation when we’re able to say, ‘Yeah, me too!’ explains Kim Bielak, associate marriage and family therapist from Pasadena, California.
Living with a lack of responsibility that’s excessive and out of your control might not align with the formal criteria for any clinical diagnosis. But working with a mental health professional can help you determine whether it may be a symptom of a mental health condition and recommend strategies to help.
Lack of responsibility as a symptom
While responsibility deficit disorder is not considered a formal diagnosis, Raffaello Antonino, a counseling psychologist and senior lecturer in counseling psychology from London, notes that the behaviors may be a part of the symptomology of other DSM-5-TR mental health conditions, including:
- antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)
- depression
- attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
What sets these formal conditions apart from a persistent pattern of irresponsibility is the presence of other, more prevalent symptoms.
Antonino explains that depression, for example, often presents with low energy levels and a lack of motivation that may come off as a lack of responsibility but may be the result of mood dysregulation.
Similarly, symptoms of antisocial personality disorder involve features of irresponsible behavior, but the underlying traits are a lack of remorse and empathy — a general disregard for others.
Little research exists into why an excessive pattern of irresponsibility occurs, but several factors may come into play.
Personality
According to Antonino, the dominance of certain personality traits, for example, might be one reason you may live with a lower sense of responsibility.
“Responsibility deficit is also likely related to low conscientiousness, which is a general personality trait,” he says. “We’re all more or less conscientious. But low conscientiousness is related to a general ‘take it easy’ stance toward life and potential avoidance of responsibilities.
”
Anxiety
Bielak indicates that low responsibility may also be a response to anxiety.
She states that, more often than not, she witnesses behaviors such as avoidance, procrastination, and impulsivity as ways for people to avoid what makes them anxious or uncomfortable.
“Whether it’s fear of failure, a sense of impostor syndrome or inadequacy, or even resentment and dread related to a task at hand, people can come across as aloof, forgetful, or even dissociated when they unconsciously try to avoid things that cause them discomfort,” she says.
Bielak adds that this link to anxiety is solidified by the fact that someone may experience the opposite response in the face of anxiety — over-responsibility and micromanaging.
Narcissism as a cultural trait
Narcissism as a personality trait involves self-centered or entitled behavior that Dr. Thomas Plante, a licensed psychologist from Santa Clara, California, says has become more prevalent in modern culture.
“People too often think their troubles are due to the influence of others,” he states. “They see themselves as victims, and when they screw up, they’re quick to blame others.”
This entitled approach can take the responsibility off that person and shift the blame to someone else.
Low responsibility can be a trait of disorders such as antisocial personality disorder and depression, but recognized clinical disorders have defined diagnostic criteria that go beyond irresponsibility.
There’s no set pattern of behavior, but signs may include:
- financial irresponsibility (such as late paying bills or frivolous spending)
- impulsivity
- rash decisions
- inability to meet deadlines
- habitual lateness
- lack of planning ahead
- procrastination
- avoidance
- forgetfulness
- postponement
- a need for instant gratification activities
If irresponsibility is considered a symptom of another mental health condition, such as ASPD, it may be listed as a co-occurring condition.
“In other cases, responsibility deficit can be seen as a consequence of antisocial personality disorder, and that’s when the lack of responsibility has a more chaotic character,” explains Antonino. “People who have ASPD can be highly energetic and always into something, so much so that they impulsively delay or completely disregard their main responsibilities such as family, work, and education.”
Responsibility deficit disorder vs. Peter Pan syndrome
Responsibility deficit disorder is a term used to recognize persistent patterns of irresponsibility.
Peter Pan syndrome is another informal condition that contains elements of irresponsibility. But in this condition, research from 2007 indicates that the underlying factor is a fear of loneliness, which may cause someone to cling to childhood and the need to be cared for.
Holding yourself accountable isn’t always easy. To help improve a consistent pattern of irresponsibility, consider finding ways to reinforce responsible behaviors.
Boundaries
You may be more likely to hold true to responsibilities if something is on the line. Plante recommends setting boundaries as a good place to start.
Outside assistance with this may be required. You can ask a friend or family member to hold you accountable if you aren’t certain you’ll be able to do it yourself.
For example, you and your partner may decide not to indulge in date night if you spent more than that week’s budget.
Addressing underlying factors
Kara Nassour, a licensed professional counselor from Austin, Texas, suggests examining why you might find responsibility a challenge.
If there’s a real issue getting in your way, such as underdeveloped organizational skills, taking steps to improve in that area may make those responsibilities less stressful.
“Remember that being responsible is a collection of habits you can develop over time, not a trait you were born without,” she says.
Anxiety management
If these behaviors stem from anxiety, developing management strategies may help.
Options include:
- yoga and other free-flow movement formats
- music
- mediation
- sleep hygiene
- regular exercise
- grounding techniques
- humor
- deep breathing exercises
- limiting alcohol and caffeine
- whole foods and probiotics
Enlisting assistance
You may find friends, family, and mechanical assistance can be helpful toward improving responsibility.
Friends and family can provide gentle reminders and transport help. Digital devices can be set with to-do lists and alerts.
Online bill pay can help you set up automatic payments.
Seeking professional guidance
“The best way to overcome this problem would be to start talking with a psychotherapist,” says Antonino. “CBT, thanks to its structure and focus on everyday issues, is perhaps the best approach to tackle low responsibility.”
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you set goals, monitor progress, and find which task management processes work best for you.
“Homework is often assigned to practice tasks in between sessions, then observing how the client is changing not only cognitively but also emotionally and behaviorally,” Antonino says.
Irresponsibility often impacts the lives of those close to the person displaying these behaviors. Missed obligations and lack of responsibility can leave an impression of disinterest or absence of care and consideration.
Remembering empathy
“If you or someone in your life has ongoing issues with responsibility, it’s important to come from a place of compassion,” reminds Bielak. “Just like ADHD, people’s behaviors often come from a much longer and complicated history than meets the eye, and actually make sense when put in context.”
Taking an active role
Understanding that your loved one may need assistance in managing responsibility can help you take an active role in helping them improve those behaviors.
You can offer to reach out with reminders, provide transport, or engage in the desired activity with them to encourage timeliness.
Setting your own boundaries
You can set your own boundaries for expected behavior — and stick to them.
Holding your loved one accountable can help them understand the positive and negative consequences of their actions.
Defining expectations
Defining tasks and expectations can help keep someone on task. Step-by-step processes can provide a way to reach small, attainable goals that result in the final product.
Well-defined tasks can help take the uncertainty out of major obligations that can be a source of anxiety and apprehension.
Small goals can also help build a sense of accomplishment that rewards responsible behavior.
While responsibility deficit disorder isn’t a recognized clinical diagnosis in the DSM-5-RT, excessive responsibility deficit is real and is an experience shared by many others.
Anxiety, cultural norms, and personality traits may all play a role in these behaviors, and for some people, might be a symptom of an underlying mental health condition such as depression, ADHD, or ASPD.
Whether you or a loved one is living with an excessive responsibility deficit, establishing boundaries, accountability, and managing anxiety may help limit the impact on your life.
"I'm afraid of responsibility..." | PSYCHOLOGIES
41,681
Career and Self-RealizationKnow Yourself
“Maybe it sounds strange, but the very word “responsibility” annoys me,” admits 35-year-old bachelor Alexander. - Literally: the whole body tenses up. I do not want to think that someone will depend on me. For example, if a woman demands some kind of commitment from me, I just start to suffocate, I feel like I'm stuck in an elevator.
Fear of being judged, of losing independence, of being responsible for one's actions, desires, choices made... There are many ways to avoid responsibility, but it is almost always caused by anxiety, which can turn into a real phobia. The psychological dictionary calls the fear of responsibility "hypengiophobia".
Is it the genes?
“Responsibility in the professional, family or moral sphere is undoubtedly a source of stress,” says French clinical psychologist Régine Frankel. “However, new discoveries in psychobiology, in particular the work of Jerome Kagan, a researcher from Harvard University (USA), show something else. nine0003
Approximately 20% of people already at birth have neurochemical characteristics that make them hypersensitive to both stress and any innovations. Due to hereditary factors, the part of their brain that controls fear is hyper-reactive and "panics" at the slightest alarm. In situations where they have to discuss their actions with others, when there is a chance of being judged, anxiety arises in them too quickly and powerfully. Hence the natural desire to avoid such situations. nine0003
So, the inability to take responsibility is in the genes? “Let's put it this way: like any other aspect of our behavior, it is associated with various factors, including this one,” says Regine Frankel.
“It seemed to me that they would beat me”
Anna, 34 years old, assistant producer at University. But when I told myself it was time to take the initiative, I broke out in a cold sweat. It was already like that in childhood: my mother left me with my younger brother. When she returned, she found him in tears and whipped me. nine0003
For me being in charge of something meant being beaten. My friend helped me figure this out. She said that she considers me a reliable person and appreciates me for it. I realized that people can have a positive view of me. I found a job that meets my desires and abilities. And no one spanked me!”
Fear of a mistake and refusal to answer for it
Anton refuses a leadership position: it is more comfortable for him to be a performer. Roman believes that his girlfriend is responsible for all the problems of their couple. Marina blames others in any conflict. Three different forms of behavior aimed at one thing - to hide their own shortcomings.
nine0003
A person who constantly expects to be accused of something and unconsciously considers himself guilty. It seems to sound like a stern parental voice in it: “You are worthless, bad, you will not achieve anything in life and must be punished.” In psychoanalysis, this unanswerable inner voice is called the Superego. Its strength depends on how much parental prohibitions influenced us in childhood.
The more a person idealizes his inflexible father or mother-perfectionist, the more often he feels like a target for other people's assessments, feeling that the “sentence” has been pronounced on him in advance. And, of course, I am sure that I am not worthy to take an adult, responsible position - this role is unconsciously assigned to dad and mom, and all that remains for him is unquestioning submission or flight. nine0003
What to do?
Be more indulgent with yourself
Behind the refusal to take responsibility is often an unconscious craving for perfection.
What are its origins? Our parents never praised us or demanded too much. As a result, we believed: “To be loved, I must be perfect. And if you do not take responsibility, then no one will notice my weaknesses.
It is very important to realize that perfection in this world is unattainable. And it's better to make mistakes from time to time than to do nothing at all. nine0003
Reconsider your beliefs
Many people imagine that by escaping from responsibility they keep their freedom. It's a delusion. Your actions, your consciousness (with all its problems and blocks), the love that you have for you or that you dream about - if you are not responsible for all this, then someone else is responsible. Someone that you... are completely dependent on.
Look into your fears
Becoming responsible means having the courage to speak up and accept the consequences of your actions. As long as we see the problem in all its global scale, it overwhelms us. Instead of constantly thinking, "I don't want responsibility," ask yourself, "What am I afraid of? At what moments is it especially painful for me to take it upon myself? nine0003
How to help a person become more responsible?
Does he not keep his promises? Does she change minds like gloves without realizing it? By denouncing such people as unreliable and inconsistent, you will only assume the role of their harsh "Super-I".
But it is precisely from his power that they are desperately trying to elude with the help of irresponsible behavior.
Calmly show your interlocutor the inconsistency of his actions, moving him to greater responsibility for his words. Perhaps his problem is that he has been treated like a child for too long, from whom there is little demand. Let him know that you are not his mom and dad and you need to deal with an adult you can rely on. And do not blame him for laziness or lack of ambition: first of all, he needs to restore self-confidence, to realize his own value. nine0003
Text: Zhanna Sergeeva Photo Source: Getty Images
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February 21, 2017 Life Motivation
If you want change, but whenever you need to take responsibility, your heart goes into your heels, do not despair. Lifehacker understands what needs to be done so that the fear of responsibility stops killing your motivation. nine0003
There is even a name for this fear - hypengiophobia. Imagine that you were confessed in love or offered a promotion. It would seem that these are joyful events. But if the first thought that comes to your mind is to run away, if new responsibilities, moving to a separate apartment, or just trusting relationships with other people inspire horror in you, perhaps the diagnosis of "hypengiophobe" is just for you.
Why are we afraid of responsibility? The problem is not only the fear of specific commitments.
Often a person simply does not consider himself capable, having taken on these obligations, to achieve positive results and not fail. nine0003 Olga Bezborodova
practicing psychologist, systemic therapist, specialist of the Center for Counseling and Systemic Solutions
Fear of responsibility grows out of low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, doubts about one's abilities. Which, in turn, may arise due to a lack of decision-making experience.
Hypengiophobia is also associated with the inability or unwillingness to act in conditions of uncertainty. Our life is unpredictable, but many still try to maintain complete control over what happens to them. Imagine a situation where all this uncertainty falls upon such a person and he suddenly realizes that the only way out is to adapt to changing circumstances. nine0003
How to get rid of the fear of responsibility
1. Find the root of your fear
Most people evaluate their fears rather superficially.
They notice only the most obvious reasons for them (for example, the same low self-esteem). Instead, take a deep dive and find out what is at the root of every fear you suffer from. Understand how your fear was formed and what factors are triggers for it.
As with most other fears, the fear of responsibility can be formed as a result of a serious psychological trauma. Perhaps once you decided to take a responsible step and this led to sad consequences. Or, when you were a child, your parents limited your freedom of decision and did everything for you, explaining that you were not able to cope on your own. nine0003
Here is what Olga Bezborodova says about this: “The reason may be in the shortcomings of the education system, the influence of parental prohibitions, which can lead to the formation in an adult of the thought that he is not worthy to make decisions, is not able to take a responsible position, that he won't make it."
Will understanding the root cause of your fear alone help you deal with it? Unlikely.
But this is an important and indispensable first step on the path to freedom from it.
2. Think of times when you took responsibility and it ended well
For example, at work you agreed to take on additional responsibilities, although you were not confident in your abilities. In the end, you yourself were surprised how well you coped with them.
Ask yourself the following questions.
- What made you take responsibility (even though you were scared)?
- What circumstances affected you?
- How did you feel when you were able to successfully do what you set out to do?
Recall times when you have been successful in order to figure out how to get in touch with a determined part of yourself. Start deliberately using this part when the need arises. Over time, it will become easier for you to take responsibility.
3. Make a responsible decision every day
The only way to get out of your comfort zone is to make regular small "outings" out of it.
Start small. Your first steps should be simple enough that you won't be overwhelmed by fear, but complex enough that you'll be tempted to avoid making decisions. What it will be - decide for yourself. nine0003
Rate actions that involve taking responsibility on your own scale of fear, starting with one.
Gradually take on more difficult tasks. For example, decide to have an unpleasant conversation in which you have to express your point of view or apologize for your mistakes. A little time will pass, and you will not be so afraid to cope with difficult life situations. You will be confident in your ability to choose the right course of action. nine0003
4. Don't take on too much
Don't try to take the whole world on your shoulders.
Paul McCartney
It may sound illogical, but sometimes the fear of responsibility is associated with hyper-responsibility. Sometimes we inflate the smallest obligations that can fall on our shoulders so much that they really seem unbearable.
And at the same time, we completely forget about what joy these obligations will bring us.
Yes, if you decide to get a cat, you will have to feed it, comb its hair, clean up after it and sometimes walk around scratched. But you don't have to completely rebuild your life to take care of a pet. Very soon you will adapt, and caring for him will take you very little time. But you will get a wonderful furry friend with whom it will be more fun. nine0003
Of course, you shouldn't go to extremes. Realize that there is responsibility, but do not inflate it to a universal scale. And remember the pros: most often there are more of them.
5. Assume that the problem may be something else
Sometimes responsibility scares us because it is associated with a certain person. When analyzing your behavior, ask yourself if you are afraid to take on a certain task or if you are repulsed by someone involved in this task.
Very often, when a person is afraid of getting married, having children, or moving in with their soul mate, the problem is not necessarily the fear of responsibility.
