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Narcissistic sociopath father


The Narcissistic Father | Psychology Today

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves." — T.S. Eliot

You used to think that by the time you were in your twenties and definitely by your thirties you’d have your act together: You’d be establishing a successful career, have your own place, be in a committed and stable relationship, visit the gym enough to have the body you always wanted, and your social life would be vibrant.

But you’re nowhere near where you thought you’d be, and the tiny boxes next to the list of achievements that you’d hoped to accomplish are still unchecked.

As your confidence deflates, you look back on your own upbringing and think about your father – Mr. Self-Assured. He seemed to have it all – charm, success, popularity. He never seemed to be plagued by self-doubt, unlike you. He was the life of the party, knew everyone, and made things happen. You couldn’t get enough of him.

How Kids Experience Narcissistic Traits

Come to think of it, did his confidence border on arrogance? Is it possible that you were raised by someone with narcissistic traits? And if so, why is it important?

We take our families for granted – it’s natural that we do. Each family is a miniature sociological experiment, with its own set of unwritten rules, secrets, and nuanced behavioral patterns. We take our mom and dad for granted as if this must be what it’s like for everyone. Your dad may have been narcissistic, but you just assumed that all fathers were like him.

Here are some signs that your dad had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist.

  • Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best.
  • Dad used people for his own good. He would take advantage of others, to the point of exploiting them when it suited him. Everybody seemed to cater to him, or at least he expected them to.
  • Dad was charismatic. Everyone wanted to be around him and he relished admiration from others. He loved being in the spotlight and the positive reinforcement that came from being the center of attention.
  • No one had an imagination like Dad. Grandiosity is alluring, and so were his fantasies of success, prestige, and brilliance. He would often exaggerate his achievements, and his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.
  • Dad didn’t take criticism well. Nothing stung him like criticism; he often cut those people out of his life or tried to hurt them.
  • Dad’s rage was truly scary. Some people get mad and yell a lot. Dad could hurt you with his anger. It cut to the bone.
  • Dad could be aloof and unsympathetic. Narcissists often have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often disregard and invalidate how others feel. Of course, he was exquisitely sensitive to what he felt.
  • Dad wasn’t around a lot. He got a lot of gratification outside the family. Other fathers hung out with their families a lot more. Plus, he craved excitement and seemed to be more concerned by what others thought of him, rather than how his own kids felt about him.
  • Dad did what he wanted when dealing with you. Narcissists don’t step into someone else’s shoes very often. He did things with you that he enjoyed; maybe you did as well.
  • Dad wanted you to look great to his friends and colleagues. You were most important to him when he could brag about you; sad but true.
  • You couldn’t really get what you needed from him. Even if Dad provided on a material level, you felt deprived on a more subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and affection, but would only get it sporadically, and only when it worked for him.

When you go through these traits, some may hit home; while others may not be relevant. Some may ring as very true; while others as less so. This is why narcissistic traits are not synonymous with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The Heuristic Problem of Personality Classification

Narcissism is not a dirty word, in fact, narcissistic traits are commonly found in most of us. There’s nothing disturbed about that. The other extreme is the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a controversial but often helpful label. For the record, our diagnostic categories are somewhat arbitrary and lack the veracity of harder medical diagnostic labels like a broken femur or glaucoma. Those disorders are easier to document and study. Personality Disorders help us organize our thinking about an individual, but may fall far short of a truthful depiction of a whole complex person.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a person is narcissistic or merely has a healthy self-regard. Narcissism isn’t about having high self-confidence; it’s a love for oneself that has morphed into a preoccupation. The term is based on Narcissus, the Greek mythological character who was so infatuated with himself that it ultimately proved fatal.

Although it’s not actually fatal, narcissism can become so pathological that it satisfies the criteria, however faulty, of a personality disorder. The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as:

“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts … as indicated …. by the following”:

  • wanting to be admired
  • having a sense of entitlement
  • being exploitative
  • lacking empathy
  • being envious
  • arrogance

Another characteristic typical of narcissists is a disregard for personal boundaries. Narcissists don’t always acknowledge the need for boundaries, which is coupled with their failure to realize that others do not exist merely to meet their needs. A narcissist will often treat others, especially those that are close to him as if they are there to fulfill his needs and expectations.

Now that you have a firm grasp on what a narcissistic father may be like, let’s take a look at how he might affect his kids. (We will get to narcissistic mothers another time.)

How a Narcissistic Father Can Hurt His Son or Daughter

Narcissistic parents often damage their children. For example, they may disregard boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding affection (until they perform), and neglect to meet their children’s needs because their needs come first. Because image is so important to narcissists, they may demand perfection from their children. The child of a narcissist father can, in turn, feel pressure to ramp up their talents, looks, smarts, or charisma. It can cost them if they fulfill Dad's wishes—and it can cost them if they fail. No winning here.

In general, here‘s how a narcissistic father can affect a daughter or son.

Daughters of narcissistic fathers often describe feeling “unsatiated” when it comes to getting what they needed from their fathers. They never got enough and would have to compete with siblings for time with Dad. As a young child, Dad would comment on how beautiful you were. But as you grew older, he would rarely miss out on commenting on weight and attitude. You probably carry these concerns into adulthood, even if you found success. With a dad like this, it's never enough. With men (or women), you often feel vulnerable and worried you’ll be dumped for someone else. Anxiously avoiding commitment or taking on the narcissistic role are both natural ways to keep relationships safe; it's understandable and self-protective. (But you lose.)

A daughter needs her dad’s adoration; it validates her and helps her internalize her specialness. Healthy fathers give their girls that gift. You are special and deserve love for being you.

As the son of a narcissistic father you never feel that you can measure up. Dad was so competitive that he even competed with you. (Or didn’t pay attention to you one way or the other.) You may have accepted defeat—you’d never outdo your dad. Or, you may have worked hard to beat Dad at his own game just to get his attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. You somehow never feel good enough, and even when you do succeed, you still feel empty and second-rate.

Just like girls need to be adored by their fathers to feel validated, boys also need their dad to believe in them.

So how do you survive a narcissistic father?

  • Get into good therapy. You want to come to terms with Dad for who he is, and how he hurt you. He's your father after all, and you will need to differentiate from him in order to enjoy his presence without being undermined. It’s no small task.
  • Accept Dad for who he is. His arrogance and constant need for ego-stroking can be annoying. If you put him into place in your mind, he may simply end up being a lovable but annoying father. Take the best, as long as he doesn’t still have the power to hurt you.
  • Do not let Dad hurt you. If he has a rage attack, you may decide to get in the car and leave. Limits are often a good thing. “Dad, this is not constructive.”
  • Cut ties if it is too toxic or dangerous. Some narcissistic parents have violent or abusive tendencies. It goes along with their self-righteousness. You are now an adult. Take care and take caution.
  • Keep your expectations realistic and low. Don’t expect a relationship with a narcissistic person to be based on mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and can’t put your needs on par with their own. As an adult, you can keep these conflicts with your father at a distance; but if you date or marry a narcissist, it probably will wear you out.
  • When you want something from a narcissist, convince them that it will be to their benefit. I am not a big fan of dishonesty, but some people with narcissistic traits can be manipulated. When you want such a person to do something for you, you need to spin it in a way so that your request seems to be to their benefit. This may work with your father and with others too.
  • Never let a narcissist determine your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive information or sharing important achievements, because they won’t treat it with the respect it deserves. I have seen this backfire many times.
  • Sometimes compliance is the simplest way to deal with a narcissistic parent . It may sound cheap, but if your father is narcissistic, you may not be interested in cutting him out of your life. He is your dad, after all. Sometimes, it’s easier, and requires less effort, to comply with most of his wishes. It may not be worth the fight. You are an adult now, and you are not under his roof anymore.
  • Alternatively, you can assert your own authority and challenge his. Narcissists get away with their behavior because others (passively) allow them to. Sometimes, you may need to adopt an authoritative stance and firmly impress upon him that his demeaning attitude is unacceptable. You are no longer a child, and you are not as vulnerable to his rejection or anger. Be prepared for pushback. Narcissistic people hate criticism.
  • Pity the narcissist. Arrogance doesn’t really inspire sympathy or compassion. But at the end of the day, when you think about it, you may come to pity someone who is in constant need of compliments, attention, and validation. It is freeing.

Appreciate the Healthy Adults Out There

While it's hard to grow up unaffected by a narcissistic father, there may have been others who helped you along the way. Looking back on your life, you may identify a grandfather, a grandmother, a coach, a teacher, a therapist, or a religious figure who really appreciated you. Maybe your mother saved the day.

Take in the Good

I hope you can find the good. There may have been some good in your narcissistic father. Embrace that while distancing yourself from the rest. Plus, there may have been special men and women in your upbringing—internalize their good. And, there are good people to care about today—bring in this good as well.

Finally, realize the value within yourself. You don't have to be great to be good enough.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Sociopath Fathers : The ‘Charming' Killers

This article has been composed largely from my professional experiences over many years in child protection work and child/family advocacy, from the contributions of professional colleagues, and from the personal testimonies of mothers and children who have been subjected to domestic violence and abuse.

The sociopath is referred to in psychiatric terms as having Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is characterised by an individual’s common disregard for social rules, norms, and cultural codes, as well as impulsive behaviour and a complete indifference to the rights and feelings of others. This condition is included in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and in the World Health Organisation’s ICD10.

However, the problems presented by the sociopath tend to be mostly social problems rather than symptoms of mental illness or criminal behaviours, although these are not excluded in some sociopaths. It is estimated that 3% of the male population are sociopaths and they inhabit all walks of life, from business and commerce where their ruthlessness can make them highly successful, in politics where their absence of empathy can enable them to be elective autocrats with a capacity for corruption and callousness, in organised crime often involving drug dealing, and in many other professions.

What Sociopaths are Like

They view the rules and expectations of society regarding acceptable behaviours as inconvenient and unreasonable and impediments to their inclinations and intentions. They are extremely adept at ‘sailing close to the wind’ in avoiding lawbreaking or detection if they do break the law. Although the sociopath is extremely adept at evading detection for criminal behaviour, studies have shown that 47% have a significant arrest record and it is reasonably estimated that up to 25% of the prison population have sociopathic traits.

Sociopaths can be identified in adolescence or even earlier. Children who regularly engage in arson, vandalism, consistent lying, theft, aggression towards others, and the torturing of animals are showing the early tendencies and signs of sociopathy and they are indifferent to parental punishment and pain. “It doesn’t hurt” is often their response and this truly reflects their response and it is accompanied by an absence of any form of remorse for their behaviours.

They are self-centred, narcissistic individuals who are impulsive, manipulative, and consistently untruthful. As sociopaths grow into adulthood they often engage in alcohol and drug abuse and this serves to exacerbate their behaviours and conduct towards others, and they can show extreme violence towards others when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, yet blame the drink or drugs for their actions. They tend to disregard driving laws and requirements for vehicle registration and insurance as of no consequence. They also engage in violence towards their partner in a relationship and on occasions towards their children as they know their offences will be difficult to detect and prosecute.

Jekyll and Hyde

Yet despite such behaviours, the sociopath adopts an alter ego when with significant others. They are extremely charming, of a calm and collected disposition, and very plausible and persuasive. They can have a group of close friends and even neighbours who consider them to be very friendly and a ‘good bloke’ and will be well thought of at the local pub or club. Such friends and associates find it difficult to believe that such a person could possibly be violent towards a partner or their children. This ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ personality is often referred to by professionals and by partners who have experienced the violence.

In cases of partner violence or child abuse, this dual personality is often clearly apparent and the plausible, manipulative personality enables them to persuade gullible Court officials, lawyers and even Judges, that they are innocent of the abusive behaviours alleged by their children or the violence alleged by the former partner. The sociopath father can be extremely adept at ‘playing victim’ in court processes, accusing the mother of obsessive concerns for a sick child or of actually making the child ill (Fabricated and Induced Illness in Children), or of not ensuring that the child engages in a ‘meaningful’ relationship with the father, when in fact the child has protested loudly that s/he does not want any contact.

The use of Parental Alienation Syndrome has proved to be a highly effective tool for sociopaths to use in disputed court proceedings regarding the custody and contact with children, as they can so readily engage in deception and fabrication, distortion and embellishment of facts regarding events and actions. They are adept at attracting the sympathy of Court officials and lawyers and using them to gain what they see as their rights. Some sociopaths also appear to have infiltrated the Father’s Rights Groups in some countries, where they have been able to bring influence to further enable their domination and control over females.

The sociopath is an emotional shell, with no capacity to feel the pain of others and words only have meaning in so far as they persuade and manipulate others to the sociopath’s views. Feelings and emotions are non-existent but the sociopath is often able to cleverly mimic such emotions when needed and in ways which will deceive the observer into believing they are true emotions.


The Victims’ View

Protective mothers and partners who have experienced domestic violence have frequently described the onset of such attacks. “I see it in his eyes”, they say. It is beyond hatred and is a ‘demonic stare’. “I know then that I’m in for a beating”. Violent attacks are often followed by pleas of forgiveness which have the appearance of remorse and regret, although the sociopath does not take responsibility for his conduct but blames anything or anyone he can. “It was the drink”, he says or even blames his victim for behaving in a particular way.

In early courtship, female partners have been persuaded by the charming person in the sociopath and only rarely have they seen the violent potential. However, they soon experienced the possessiveness and jealousy of the sociopath and unfounded accusations of infidelity.

The goal of the sociopath father is to attain complete domination and control over his female partner and his means are to create fear, isolation, and total dependency. He seeks to take total control over his victim and will use any means possible to do so. Critical and abusive words and actions are the most common means. Then he isolates his victim from her family and friends and uses financial controls to limit her movements and decrease her self esteem. He systematically destroys her feelings of self-worth, dignity, and security.

If his female victim threatens to leave him, he will often threaten to kill her and their children if she were to do so, and warns her that she will never be safe for the rest of her life. This gives him an immense hold over his female partner but eventually the situation becomes so intolerable, she finally escapes.

A Young Mother Writes

“I was 21 years old and a free spirit when I first met John. He was handsome, well spoken, and very charming and soon after our first date, our relationship became serious and we were inseparable. I was oblivious to the red flags that were coming my way because he made me feel good and he was good at mind games – controlling my movements, jealous over past lovers and any other man I was acquainted with.

“He slowly began to strip me of my self-esteem, telling me my clothes were too revealing, that my make-up was done to impress other men rather than him. He’d suddenly stop the car and scream and shout at me and spit in my face, testing for my reactions and saying it was all my fault, never his. However, I stayed with him because I loved him and believed I could help him to change his behaviours. The physical violence began a week after he moved in with me. It started as a slap followed by gushing apologies and promises that it would never happen again.

“Then it began occurring more regularly and I was slapped, punched, bitten, strangled to the point of unconsciousness, spat on, pinched, kicked, yelled at, and chased around the streets. But all this was done behind closed doors or away from our neighbourhood because John wanted to be seen as a ‘nice guy’ by his friends and our neighbours. He made me cut all ties with my family and friends back home, and forced me to quit my job.

“He then locked me in our flat on most days and I was only allowed out when he was with me. He inspected the house when he returned from work and felt the bed for warm spots as he was constantly afraid that I was cheating on him. He was a master at interrogation and would go on for hours. If he was dissatisfied, an argument would ensue which rapidly grew into a violent attack on me. I was constantly walking on egg shells and afraid of him and he slowly eroded my whole being and I felt I was becoming a mental vegetable.

“John wanted a child and it was not long before I became pregnant. However, I managed to escape from him for a short while and obtained some comfort and support from my family but after begging me for months I agreed to return to him, by now heavily pregnant. It was not long however before the beatings began again, including kicking me in the stomach and risking the life of our unborn child. I resolved that I had to escape him and managed to do so again.”

The Protection of the Law?

But the suffering of the protective mother is far from ended. There then begins the harassment and continuing interference in her life, using the children as a means to do so.

It is unfortunate that the Family Law, which altruistically sought to give reasonable fathers a continuing and an active part in their children’s lives, has been a gift for the sociopath to continue to exert domination and control over his former partner and children. Although the sociopath may not have had a ‘meaningful relationship’ with his children in their past lives together and does not honestly want one in the future, he insists on this as his right under law as it provides him with the opportunity to continue to abuse his former partner and the children.

This usually involves avoiding payment of child support or paying inadequate amounts at infrequent intervals. Then he plays petty games at contact arrangements, such as returning the children late or in a dishevelled state. He abuses his former partner in phone calls and makes continuing unreasonable demands for more time with the children, although when the children are with him for staying contact, they are left with his new partner and he spends little time with them. He uses the Courts and its officials to enforce his rights if his former partner refuses to comply with the contact arrangements as a consequence of his behaviours. This has resulted in some protective mothers losing custody of their children and even being imprisoned and the children being placed with the sociopath father, to endure unwitnessed further abuse.

It has also led to the deaths of several hundred children, killed by their sociopath fathers, and many mothers and other relatives have also been killed. In 2005 in New South Wales, one of Australia’s six States, 117 children suffered unnatural deaths at the hands of their parents and 74 intimate partners were killed. On occasions the sociopath father has taken his own life with those of his former partner and children.

It is to be hoped that society and Courts are able to more easily identify such sociopaths in the future and thereby provide the necessary protections for children and their mothers.


who is a perverted narcissist? - T&P

Moral violence, or abuse, in the Russian context is considered almost a phenomenon that lies within the framework of social norms - however, in reality, it is often the result of a narcissistic personality disorder.

For a healthy person, such communication can be very destructive and can cause deep depression. T&P talk about how to identify a moral abuser and fight back.

What is narcissism?

The word "abuse" itself is translated from English as "violence" and "abuse". Abuse in interpersonal relationships is familiar to most of us - but not everyone knows that they may not be the result of neglect, but the result of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which affects one of the participants in the relationship. This pathology occurs in a significant number of people: from 1 to 8% of the total population of the planet, according to various estimates. According to the DSM-V international classification of diseases, it can be defined by the general signs of a personality disorder (grand conceit, fantasies of unlimited power or ideal love, belief in one's "exclusivity", the need for an exaggerated expression of delight in one's address, the illusion of one's own special rights, a tendency to exploit people, lack of empathy, envy and arrogant attitude towards people), which are accompanied by specific disorders in the work of the individual and in the process of building interpersonal relationships.

A person with a narcissistic disorder is self-focused, obsessed with the idea of ​​his own greatness and superiority, clinically incapable of empathy and does not feel guilty for wrongdoing. He devalues ​​what is connected with others and idealizes what is connected with himself. At the same time, the narcissist does not suffer from hallucinations, does not show signs of manic states, and generally gives the impression of a completely healthy person.

Perverted narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people as their "victims". Their target audience is bright wise men and smart people.

Of course, not every person with NRL will start doing atrocities if you get close to him. As with any mental health diagnosis, this one has a fairly wide gradient, so that the patient may or may not be aware of the problem, or may not be fully aware of it, fight or not, stubbornly change therapists in search of a truly effective treatment, or methodically bring partners to suicide.

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Really dangerous for others is a type called “perverted narcissist”. This definition was first voiced by the French doctor of psychiatry, specialist in the field of victimology and criminology, Marie-France Yrigoyen, author of the book Moral Harassment. A distinctive quality of perverted narcissists is the ability to turn any situation on its head, distorting its details and partner's conclusions ("perverted" - from the Latin "pervertere" - "pervert, twist"). It is they who choose moral violence as an instrument of interpersonal relations, and it is not easy to get away from them without crippling the psyche.

How do you spot a perverted narcissist?

Perverse narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people as their "victims". Their target audience is bright smart people, open, successful, impressionable, full of optimism and vitality. Often relationships with perverted narcissists end for their spouses and friends with clinical depression and suicide, even more often with psychological traumas that then heal for years, if they heal at all.

A perverted narcissist can be identified by their distinctive behaviors, which they usually fail to fully disguise despite their developed adaptive skills and brilliant image. In general, the following details should alert the potential “victim”.

1) The person speaks negatively about past partners, verbally blaming them for problems or a breakup.

2) A person is not inclined to plead guilty and shifts responsibility to others.

3) After getting to know this person, the partner began to sleep less, eat poorly, lose weight, become dizzy in his presence, or faced other unpleasant changes in the state of health. It is generally accepted that lovers and friends of perverted narcissists begin to lose psychosomatics early, and this happens even against the background of an apparent absence of problems.

4) A person seeks to bind a partner to himself as early as possible, up to marriage or moving.

© Sara Andreasson

5) Perverted narcissists sometimes have "inhuman reactions", although in general such people carefully monitor their behavior. Like patients with psychopathy, they do not experience emotions in the conventional sense of the word, but they imitate them perfectly. Narcissists are able to observe those around them, calculating successful mechanisms of influence, but in unusual circumstances they can show insensitivity, a lust for power, or anything else that lies outside the scope of normal reactions. For example, such a person is able to tell how “well” he punished the offender (and the punishment will look disproportionate to the offense), how witty he used someone, or how interesting it is to watch other people suffer.

How does abuse work?

The first stage of a relationship with a perverted narcissist is sometimes referred to by researchers as the "honeymoon." During this period, a partner can come to visit his “superhero” and find that he has prepared his favorite dish from childhood, or find an exact copy of a long-lost precious pendant on his desk, or get tickets to Bora Bora for a birthday party.

"Honeymoon" looks perfect, but can't last forever. After all, in the place of self-esteem in a perverted narcissist, figuratively speaking, there is a gaping bottomless hole into which all the delights of others and his own achievements are sucked in vain. Due to a personality disorder in the depths of his soul, such a person feels insignificant, experiences desperate envy and anger. The lack of empathy does not allow him to empathize, and the illusion of his own greatness does not allow him to perceive other people as equals. For a while, the narcissist manages to hold back negative feelings (solely for strategic reasons), but then his patience ends.

The laws of communication are depreciated, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a disenfranchised violator.

The moment this happens, the "honeymoon" ends and the so-called "ice shower" stage begins. A prince or princess suddenly, often in just one terrible day, turns into an unpredictable aggressive creature that attacks a partner with the cruelty of a chimera and manages to turn his whole picture of the world upside down in a few hours. The laws of communication are depreciated, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a disenfranchised violator.

As is normal for a mentally healthy person, a lover or friend of an NPD patient in such a situation is likely to begin to suspect that there is some guilt in what happened. This is exactly what the perverted narcissist needs. At the second stage of the relationship, his task is to destroy the partner’s self-esteem, humiliate him and thus assert himself. This is why such people tend to keep partners close, resurrecting honeymoon circumstances as necessary, and then reassuming their basic aggressive form.

Boycott and inexplicability

Despite the fact that from the point of view of the victim the behavior of a perverted narcissist looks unpredictable, in reality this person uses recognizable tricks, which are described in detail in the first Russian-language book on communication techniques for patients with NPD - "Be afraid, I you” by the writer and journalist Tatyana Kokina-Slavina:

• “an attack of anger”, when a narcissist in a harmless situation suddenly shows wild rage;

• gross violation of an important promise or defiant failure to fulfill obligations;

• "accidental" disclosure of a shameful secret, which becomes available due to the stuffing of compromising evidence;

• pause in communication not agreed upon with the partner, i.e. boycott;

• a statement about an alleged breakup or a frank hint that a breakup may occur, presenting a list of conditions;

• perceptible but unmotivated cooling of relations.

Of course, all of the above can happen in a relationship without NPD, healthy or not, for a variety of reasons. The following criteria can be used to correctly assess the circumstances and test them “for narcissism”:

• the presence of a strong negative emotional response,

• the suddenness of the antics and the absence of clear motives,

• the denial of what happened on the part of the alleged narcissist.

Such denial can take the form of gaslighting, one of the methods of psychological abuse, which is designed to dissuade the partner from what he clearly saw, confuse him and lead to false conclusions. Typical phrases in this case sound like “there was nothing like that”, “I don’t understand what you mean”, “you complicate everything”, “you overreact to ordinary remarks”, etc. As a rule, such an onslaught greatly deprives balance, so that a person really begins to doubt himself.

An ugly scene after the "honeymoon" completes the first circle of relationships, and after that communication becomes cyclical. The positive phases begin to gradually narrow, the negative phases grow, so that the relationship becomes like a manic-depressive disorder, and codependency forms between partners. “Be prepared for more and more frequent cycles,” says Israeli writer and narcissist researcher Sam Vaknin, author of Surviving the Narcissist, Malignant Self-Love, How to Divorce a Narcissist and a Psychopath, and more. The narcissist idealizes, and then devalues ​​and discounts the object of its original idealization. This sharp, heartless depreciation is aggression. The narcissist exploits, lies, makes no sense, insults, ignores, manipulates, controls. The narcissist is built almost entirely on control. This is a primitive and immature reaction to circumstances in which the narcissist, most often in childhood, was helpless.

© Sara Andreasson

Perverted narcissists often refer to their partners as being "hypersensitive" and prone to creating problems out of the blue. A person is steadily losing his rights in communication with him: the right to ask questions and receive answers, to talk about his feelings and get angry. Anger and discontent turn out to be "unreasonable" or "irrational." Indeed, in order to gain complete power over the partner and legitimize the absence of human feelings, the perverted narcissist needs to depersonalize him, destroying his "I".

In the second stage of the relationship, the perverted narcissist has two recognizable tools: "hold tactics" in dialogue and "water torture". The first technique is usually expressed in the fact that the discussion of relationships, as well as the ability to express one's thoughts and feelings, is blocked. The narcissist diverts the topic of conversation, digresses into other things, reduces the conversation to a joke, puts it off for later, taunts, complains about feeling unwell, and devalues ​​the interlocutor in other ways. For example, patients with NPD often display a hostile coldness that is denied. This strategy allows them to make their partner angry and cry, then to ridicule his anger and thus humiliate him.

"Water torture" performed without raising the voice. In the process, the narcissist twists, turns inside out, and brings to the point of absurdity the partner's words without removing the bored haughty mask. Of course, not everyone can stand such treatment, so many narcissists lose their victims at some point. This causes fear and even panic in them, so that the methods of moral violence are instantly replaced by a new "honeymoon". This game can go on for many months or even years.

How to deal with a perverted narcissist?

The only way to escape moral abuse from a perverted narcissist is to stop communicating with him. You need to understand that such people behave this way because of mental pathology, and they cannot be re-educated, changed, healed, remade or saved. His problem can be partly solved only by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, who is also capable of prescribing the necessary medicines. Today, doctors do not know why patients develop narcissistic personality disorder. Some experts are sure that it is genetically transmitted, others believe that it is only a matter of upbringing, when a person is not paid attention in childhood, or, on the contrary, they evaluate him too harshly. In addition, there is a theory that the prevalence of NPD increases during unfavorable periods of history. One way or another, none of the narcissists is to blame for getting sick, even if they behave like a sadist. Although this, of course, does not mean that you can allow him to torture himself.

As with any painful relationship, it is better to leave this relationship with the support of a psychologist, and even better, a psychotherapist. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help: after all, we do not hesitate to show our injured ankle to the surgeon instead of applying psyllium leaves to it for weeks. Talking with a specialist will help you get over the pain of humiliation and loss, start putting everything in its place, understand what exactly happened, and find ways to cope with it.

The only way to escape moral abuse from a perverted narcissist is to stop communicating with him.

An intermediate option: to leave the narcissist in place and improve yourself, unfortunately, does not exist. Narcissistic personality disorder today is very difficult to correct, not to mention the fact that in its "perverted" version it is also rarely recognized as a disorder. A perverse narcissist, who can be called a pathological manipulator, would rather make an attempt to "manage" his doctor than want to change anything.

Romances, friendships and even business relationships with perverse narcissists are usually given to their victims with a lot of blood, so the only way out is to stop them as soon as possible, and even better not to start at all. After all, as in conventional medicine, in the field of mental health, prevention is much cheaper than treatment. Especially considering that in this case you have to pay not with money, but with spiritual well-being and the safety of the individual, which, unlike the body, is not so easy to repair.

The influence of narcissistic parents on the childhood of their children and what to do about it

Amy Londer August 8, 2021

Imagine a mother who appears to be the perfect parent in public, but gets angry and yells at her children and husband at home if they annoy her in some way. .. or a father who deliberately confuses his children by telling them that something something was not done when in fact it was, devaluing their experience and imposing on them something that they cannot trust themselves ...

These are both examples of parents with narcissistic traits. Like many personality traits, narcissism follows a normal statistical distribution within the population, which means that most people fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, while only a few reach extremely high levels. Pathological narcissism in the form of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is actually quite rare, affecting only 1% of the population, according to Psychology Today.

Someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is more likely to:

  • Has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
  • Has a sense of superiority and demands constant and excessive admiration.
  • Expects to be recognized as the best, even without achievements to prove it
  • Exaggerates his achievements and talents.
  • Obsessed with fantasies of success, power, beauty, or ideal relationships.
  • Monopolizes conversations.
  • Belittles others or looks down on those he considers inferior.
  • Expects special treatment and unconditional compliance with their expectations.
  • Uses others to get what he wants.
  • Unable and unwilling to acknowledge the needs and feelings of others.
  • Jealous of others and believes that others envy him.
  • Acts in an arrogant or haughty manner, giving the impression of being vain, boastful, or pretentious.
  • Insists on having the very best, namely the best car or office.

Narcissists find it difficult to deal with anything that is perceived as criticism or violates the image they have created of themselves. When this happens, they may become angry, humiliate others, have difficulty regulating their emotions, and experience hidden feelings of shame, vulnerability, and humiliation.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent

Being raised by a narcissistic parent leads to the belief, "I'm not good enough."

Usually narcissistic parents are very close with their young children. Their children are seen as extensions of themselves and become a source of self-affirmation for their parents; “Look what perfect kids I have, didn’t I do a good job!” Children become a means of attracting the attention of others.

Children learn to fit into the patterns that their parents create for them, and this can be troubling for the child who constantly rejects his true identity to please the parent.

The child of a narcissistic parent must adhere to the parent's plans in order for his life to be stable. Validating one's own feelings or thoughts can lead to the parent becoming angry or punishing. Because of this, the child learns that his feelings and thoughts are unimportant, false and unimportant. The child often suppresses them so as not to disturb the order in the house.

Narcissists are not always cruel. They can very often be kind, but this kindness is almost always accompanied by conditions. The child often comes to understand that the kindness of the parents makes him feel indebted to them. Whether overt or covert, the feeling "If I do this for you, you owe me this" is comparable to being kind. Kindness and love are conditional.

The behavior of a narcissist can be difficult to manage even at the best of times, so the child may find it extremely unpredictable and disturbing. Young children cannot simply get up and leave the family, so they cherish hope, sacrificing their own self-esteem and blaming themselves. The child learns to believe that he is the problem; "If I was better at this or that, then my parents would love me more." The parents' own belief that they are perfect only exacerbates this belief, as they believe that any resistance or negativity they experience from the child is his own fault.

The difficulty of growing up with a narcissistic parent is that the child is often unaware that something is wrong. When we grow up, we only know that we live in this family. Years may pass when the child, often already an adult, begins to realize his childhood. This awareness can be assisted by a friend or partner who is able to recognize the narcissist's idiosyncratic or bizarre upbringing.

Traits of adult children of a narcissistic parent

1) Indecisiveness and guilt

Adult children of narcissistic parents fear that they will harm someone by doing what is right for them. They have been "trained" to consider their parents' needs first, and so it is difficult for them to consider their own desires without feeling selfish. This indecision and guilt can paralyze for years to come.

2) Internal gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or group of people causes someone to question the adequacy of perceptions or judgments.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave the adult child feeling that they have very little to offer, even if they don't. In the process of growing up, their talents and skills may have been downplayed, ignored, or taken advantage of by a narcissistic parent who felt threatened by their child's skills.

Even when an adult achieves something, he may feel that he does not deserve success, and this can cause impostor syndrome.

3) Love and fidelity

Even after growing up amid lies, manipulation and abuse, adult children of narcissists can find it really hard to give up the care and love of their narcissistic parents. They are likely to feel guilty about trying to back off or impose boundaries, and may even enter into relationships with partners who display narcissistic traits. They know love based on manipulation and conditions, while unconditional love can be intimidating.

4) Strength and endurance

Very often the adult children of narcissistic parents show an excellent ability to show compassion and love for others, can build loving relationships, learn to love and take care of themselves. It is possible to recover from growing up with a narcissistic parent, and we will talk about this later in this article.

5) Chronic self-blame

Whether or not parents openly abuse a child, they are almost always emotionally deaf and too preoccupied with themselves and their own concerns to hear their child's pain. As discussed earlier, in order to try to preserve the family unit, the child (even if he is now an adult) avoids blaming his parents and instead takes all the blame; "If I were better...", "If I weren't such a difficult child..." and so on.

This can continue into adulthood as the adult child continues to bear the guilt of things that are not always his fault. In many situations, they become scapegoats solely to keep the peace in the family.

6) Echoism

Echoists and daffodils complement each other. In fact, narcissistic parents may become angry or burst into tears without much warning, which causes their children to take up as little space as possible in order to avoid one of these emotional outbursts. It can be like walking on thin ice; trying to do everything possible so that their parents do not get nervous.

7) Insecure attachment

Adult children of narcissists tend to form insecure attachments to their parents, never experiencing the secure relationship base they need to feel comfortable exploring their surroundings.

Neglect, manipulation, or emotional absence on the part of a parent can make a child question how safe they can feel in the hands of others. This leads some adults to become fiercely independent, not believing that anyone else can be relied upon. However, this may encourage others to cling to their partners in an attempt to gain love and constantly demand attention from their significant other.

8) Parentification

Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent will organize their entire lives and personalities around the happiness of their parents, and then grow up organizing their lives around the happiness of others - many of them working in supportive occupations.

How to live on

There are many different ways to move forward and heal from a narcissistic parent. I would recommend that you do not try to do this alone; whether you enter into a therapeutic relationship or work through recovery with a partner is up to you. Working on this healing process with another family member can be problematic, so proceed with caution.

Here are some key steps you can take to start the healing process:

1) Realize

As with everything else, the first step is awareness. We can't move on until we know what hurt us. If you are reading this article, you probably suspect that one of your parents had narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder.

2) Learn

Learn about NPD and how it can affect family relationships. Search the Internet, read literature, and talk to therapists who understand narcissism.

3) Tell us about your experience

This exercise may not be easy, so I definitely recommend that you do not do it alone. For each sign and symptom of NPD, remember and write down your own experience from childhood or adulthood.

For each of these memories, it is necessary to rewrite the narrative with a new dialogue: "My parent is a narcissist and because of this he treats me this way." There is no one to blame in this new dialogue; neither you nor your parent. This is a way to rethink your experience in the light of new information and relieve yourself of guilt.

4) Define

In the previous stage, it is highly likely that some abusive, traumatic, and neglectful behavior on the part of the narcissistic parent will become apparent. As painful as the process is, you can probably recognize emotional abuse and neglect (guilt, manipulation) and even psychological abuse (gaslighting or silent treatment). You can also find examples of physical abuse, financial abuse (neglect or excessive gift giving). Working through these memories with a counselor can be extremely helpful.

5) grieve

Grieve for the childhood you never had, and also for the fact that the image of your parents has been destroyed. As mentioned earlier, as we grow up, we only know what we know. And therefore, when you get older and realize that other children had a very different childhood than you, you may feel jealousy, resentment and anger because you did not get to experience this.

You may have grown up protecting or idolizing your parents only to realize that they really did you some harm. This can be quite destabilizing, and we may find ourselves needing to grieve for the image we used for our parent.

6) Work out the main stages of development

It is very likely that you missed some important developmental milestones as a child, and now is the right time to live through them. It's time to explore your personality, experiment with your sexuality, with your dates, with the choice of what you want to learn and what you really want to do in your life. Most likely, you will have to learn to ask for what you need (you can start small, for example, ask a passerby how to get to the bank), learn to identify your emotions that have been locked up for so long, and learn to set healthy boundaries.

7) Accept

Finally, it is important to understand and accept the fact that your narcissistic parent will not change. No matter how much you want to oppose him or how you oppose him, it is very unlikely that a parent will change his lifestyle.

An encounter with a narcissistic parent can cause quite a bit of controversy in families because, as mentioned earlier, the narcissist will feel very ashamed and vulnerable that his ideal image is crumbling. This can lead to them becoming extremely aggressive and angry.

It is also important to acknowledge and perhaps even forgive your other parent. If one of your parents is a narcissist, chances are the other is a helper. By encouraging and/or justifying the narcissist's abusive behavior, helpers essentially normalize and support them. Sometimes assistants also help the narcissist in his dirty work, indulging in violence and aggravating its manifestations. By not naming abuse or protecting their children from it, helpers become complicit, even if they are also victims of the narcissist.

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