I want everyone to like me disorder
Wanting to Be Liked vs. Needing to be Liked I Psych Central
Wanting to be liked could help you connect with the people in your life, but the need to be liked could lead to stress and anxiety.
The social side of human nature evolved from the need for cooperation to survive. Being liked meant being fed and protected.
Although it’s easier to manage independently in the modern world, people still benefit from social connections. A healthy social network could protect both your physical and mental health.
So it’s natural to want to be liked. If you enjoy people’s approval and feel a little bothered when people don’t like you, you’re not alone.
But a fixation on getting people’s approval at the expense of making your own choices could interfere with how you live your life.
Wanting to be liked is a human trait shared by most people. On the other hand, if you need to be liked, there are some telltale signs.
This could include:
- continuous efforts to please people
- willingness to do almost anything, including things you know are wrong or dangerous
- heightened anxiety when facing disapproval
- reluctance to stand out from the group or go against the grain
- fixation on a person who doesn’t seem to like you
Most people prefer approval over criticism. They want others to like them, and they feel bad when the feedback they get isn’t good.
But they can usually shake off disapproval and move on, and focus on the people who recognize their strengths.
If you feel persistent anxiety when someone doesn’t seem to like you, there are several possible reasons.
External locus of control
Your locus of control is what you perceive as the main causes of events in your life. There are two types:
- Internal locus of control. You believe that you control the direction of your life and have an influence over the events that happen.
- External locus of control. You feel that external influences determine the course of your life.
If you have an internal locus of control, you might see your job prospects as being connected to the amount of time and effort you put into education and training. Someone with an external locus of control might view factors such as the job market and economy as having more influence over career outcomes.
If you have the need to be liked, you might have an external locus of control. You might connect your self-worth with the number of people who like you, rather than how you feel about yourself.
Sociotropy is a state of being dependent on other people and a preoccupation with people-pleasing. It’s the opposite of autonomy, which is a state of independence and individuality.
Older research found a connection between sociotropy and external locus of control.
In other words, if you have an external locus of control, you might be more likely to be a people-pleaser who needs to be liked.
Trauma
Fawning as a trauma response could cause a person to be preoccupied with the needs and wants of others. Being likable means that you might be less likely to engage in conflict or receive criticism.
Needing to be liked could be a way of seeking safety.
Social anxiety disorder (SAD)
If you have social anxiety disorder, social situations could cause you a great deal of stress.
Fear of being judged negatively is a common characteristic of this type of anxiety.
A need to be liked becomes a fear of being rejected that’s severe enough to interfere with work, school, or any other type of social setting.
Anaclitic depression
Anaclitic means dependence on another person for emotional support.
Babies can experience anaclitic depression when separated long term from their primary caregiver. In adults, anaclitic depression could involve a preoccupation with the approval of others, as noted in a 2010 study.
Working to meet the high standards of other people could also play a role, according to the study.
Having the social and emotional support that you need from family members and friends might make you less likely to be concerned with everyone liking you.
It could even be liberating not to have the stress of living up to everyone’s expectations.
Not being liked has an upside. When you’re concerned with maintaining likeability, you might make choices based on the approval of others.
But when you’re not concerned about what others think, your choices might be ones that are better for you and better aligned with your values and goals.
If your need for approval from every person in your life is causing you stress, consider learning how to live without it.
Try asking yourself these questions.
Should everyone think the same way?
The attributes that make you likable to some people are the same qualities that could trigger dislike from others.
Social media and its polarizing discussion content demonstrate this concept well.
If the world is full of people with opposing views and differing opinions, is it logical to expect everyone to like you?
Does someone’s disapproval stop me from living my life?
Whether it’s a haircut, a hobby, or the possibility of a new career, consider whether you sacrifice the things you want in favor of someone else’s choice for you.
Can I change someone’s previous experiences?
There could be external factors over which you have no control that could influence whether a person likes you.
Maybe you remind them of someone they dislike or a bad experience they had.
Should I be the most important part of everyone else’s life?
While you worry about who likes you, the people you think about are probably concerned about who likes them.
It’s human nature for each person to see the world from their own perspective. So someone else’s opinion of you might not be their primary concern.
Should it be yours?
Can I succeed if people don’t like me?
Think about the people who inspire disapproval but still thrive. They don’t need everyone to like them, so why should you?
If I always agree with everyone around me, am I being myself?
Having an opinion that differs from that of a friend or family member doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re wrong. It simply means that you’re an individual with your own thoughts.
If the fear of being disliked causes you to hide your opinions, you might not be living authentically.
Am I spending too much time on social media?
Your time spent giving and receiving likes, shares, and comments could be setting you up for self-esteem that’s dependent on approval from others.
A 2016 study links social media use to a reliance on external validation, which could lead to self-doubt and the need to feel liked by others.
What would happen if I didn’t try to please everyone?
You could start small — for example, try to give your honest feedback about a movie you saw with a friend. Or say that you’re busy if the idea of a weekend gathering isn’t appealing.
You might find that the people in your life still value you.
Should I get counseling?
If you’re experiencing anxiety or distress from continuously trying to live up to the expectations of others, counseling could provide you with helpful coping strategies.
As humans, we’re hardwired to want acceptance. While most people can accept that not everyone will like them, others can’t and have a need to be liked by everyone.
If you have that need, there might be an underlying reason driving it such as past trauma or anxiety.
You could create stress in your life when you continuously try to please everyone.
If your need to please everyone comes at a detriment to your day-to-day life, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
If you don’t know where to start, try our find help page. You could also ask a healthcare professional for a referral.
Wanting to Be Liked vs. Needing to be Liked I Psych Central
Wanting to be liked could help you connect with the people in your life, but the need to be liked could lead to stress and anxiety.
The social side of human nature evolved from the need for cooperation to survive. Being liked meant being fed and protected.
Although it’s easier to manage independently in the modern world, people still benefit from social connections. A healthy social network could protect both your physical and mental health.
So it’s natural to want to be liked. If you enjoy people’s approval and feel a little bothered when people don’t like you, you’re not alone.
But a fixation on getting people’s approval at the expense of making your own choices could interfere with how you live your life.
Wanting to be liked is a human trait shared by most people. On the other hand, if you need to be liked, there are some telltale signs.
This could include:
- continuous efforts to please people
- willingness to do almost anything, including things you know are wrong or dangerous
- heightened anxiety when facing disapproval
- reluctance to stand out from the group or go against the grain
- fixation on a person who doesn’t seem to like you
Most people prefer approval over criticism. They want others to like them, and they feel bad when the feedback they get isn’t good.
But they can usually shake off disapproval and move on, and focus on the people who recognize their strengths.
If you feel persistent anxiety when someone doesn’t seem to like you, there are several possible reasons.
External locus of control
Your locus of control is what you perceive as the main causes of events in your life. There are two types:
- Internal locus of control.
You believe that you control the direction of your life and have an influence over the events that happen. - External locus of control. You feel that external influences determine the course of your life.
If you have an internal locus of control, you might see your job prospects as being connected to the amount of time and effort you put into education and training. Someone with an external locus of control might view factors such as the job market and economy as having more influence over career outcomes.
If you have the need to be liked, you might have an external locus of control. You might connect your self-worth with the number of people who like you, rather than how you feel about yourself.
Sociotropy is a state of being dependent on other people and a preoccupation with people-pleasing. It’s the opposite of autonomy, which is a state of independence and individuality.
Older research found a connection between sociotropy and external locus of control.
In other words, if you have an external locus of control, you might be more likely to be a people-pleaser who needs to be liked.
Trauma
Fawning as a trauma response could cause a person to be preoccupied with the needs and wants of others. Being likable means that you might be less likely to engage in conflict or receive criticism.
Needing to be liked could be a way of seeking safety.
Social anxiety disorder (SAD)
If you have social anxiety disorder, social situations could cause you a great deal of stress. Fear of being judged negatively is a common characteristic of this type of anxiety.
A need to be liked becomes a fear of being rejected that’s severe enough to interfere with work, school, or any other type of social setting.
Anaclitic depression
Anaclitic means dependence on another person for emotional support.
Babies can experience anaclitic depression when separated long term from their primary caregiver. In adults, anaclitic depression could involve a preoccupation with the approval of others, as noted in a 2010 study.
Working to meet the high standards of other people could also play a role, according to the study.
Having the social and emotional support that you need from family members and friends might make you less likely to be concerned with everyone liking you.
It could even be liberating not to have the stress of living up to everyone’s expectations.
Not being liked has an upside. When you’re concerned with maintaining likeability, you might make choices based on the approval of others.
But when you’re not concerned about what others think, your choices might be ones that are better for you and better aligned with your values and goals.
If your need for approval from every person in your life is causing you stress, consider learning how to live without it.
Try asking yourself these questions.
Should everyone think the same way?
The attributes that make you likable to some people are the same qualities that could trigger dislike from others.
Social media and its polarizing discussion content demonstrate this concept well.
If the world is full of people with opposing views and differing opinions, is it logical to expect everyone to like you?
Does someone’s disapproval stop me from living my life?
Whether it’s a haircut, a hobby, or the possibility of a new career, consider whether you sacrifice the things you want in favor of someone else’s choice for you.
Can I change someone’s previous experiences?
There could be external factors over which you have no control that could influence whether a person likes you. Maybe you remind them of someone they dislike or a bad experience they had.
Should I be the most important part of everyone else’s life?
While you worry about who likes you, the people you think about are probably concerned about who likes them.
It’s human nature for each person to see the world from their own perspective. So someone else’s opinion of you might not be their primary concern.
Should it be yours?
Can I succeed if people don’t like me?
Think about the people who inspire disapproval but still thrive. They don’t need everyone to like them, so why should you?
If I always agree with everyone around me, am I being myself?
Having an opinion that differs from that of a friend or family member doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re wrong. It simply means that you’re an individual with your own thoughts.
If the fear of being disliked causes you to hide your opinions, you might not be living authentically.
Am I spending too much time on social media?
Your time spent giving and receiving likes, shares, and comments could be setting you up for self-esteem that’s dependent on approval from others.
A 2016 study links social media use to a reliance on external validation, which could lead to self-doubt and the need to feel liked by others.
What would happen if I didn’t try to please everyone?
You could start small — for example, try to give your honest feedback about a movie you saw with a friend.
Or say that you’re busy if the idea of a weekend gathering isn’t appealing.
You might find that the people in your life still value you.
Should I get counseling?
If you’re experiencing anxiety or distress from continuously trying to live up to the expectations of others, counseling could provide you with helpful coping strategies.
As humans, we’re hardwired to want acceptance. While most people can accept that not everyone will like them, others can’t and have a need to be liked by everyone.
If you have that need, there might be an underlying reason driving it such as past trauma or anxiety.
You could create stress in your life when you continuously try to please everyone.
If your need to please everyone comes at a detriment to your day-to-day life, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
If you don’t know where to start, try our find help page. You could also ask a healthcare professional for a referral.
Environment: Self-care: Lenta.
ru As practice shows, everyone has a different attitude to cleanliness and order. And if some people are sorry to spend precious time on regular cleaning, then others simply cannot get rid of the obsessive thought of buying some interesting thing into the house, and then another, and another. And so on until the dwelling resembles a warehouse. Lenta.ru decided to figure out where the mess comes from and how not to miss the first signs of pathological hoarding.
Why is there really a mess?
By itself, disorder does not arise from nowhere. Despite the fact that many have been taught from childhood the idea of the need to keep the house clean and spend every free minute cleaning, most people still prefer to polish it from time to time or even before the arrival of guests.
According to numerous studies, the difficulty in getting yourself to clean is often due to much more than problems with willpower. Serious psychological problems can underlie the reluctance to clean up.
Moreover, the growing disorder will only aggravate them, creating a vicious circle. And thoughtless shifting of things and shaking off the dust on the machine will definitely not help to deal with this.
One of the first causes of constant disorder is the passion for collecting a lot of things. And it's one thing if people eventually clear these blockages, and quite another when this habit threatens to develop into pathological hoarding.
The main symptom of hoarding is the unwillingness to part with old things in the hope that someday they will definitely come in handy. For such people, it is the process of collecting things that is important, and not their use. All their finds can lie unsorted in one heap for years. As a result, things gradually "capture" most of the apartment, but this does not bother the owners.
Photo: Ron Lach / Pexels
To assess the severity of hoarding, the staff of the US National Research Commission proposed using a certain scale.
According to this assessment system, five main stages can be distinguished.
- Manifestation of thrift and thrift: it becomes more and more difficult for a person to part with some thing.
- The emergence of a constant need to replenish his "collection": a person begins to bring into the house not only new things from the store, but also used copies found somewhere nearby.
- Gradual littering of the entire free space and the appearance of a characteristic smell of dust and dirt.
- Displacement of a person from his own dwelling: the house becomes more and more like a warehouse.
- Inability to use the housing for its intended purpose, not only because of the large number of things or a specific smell, but also because of the emerging mold, dirt, bacteria and microbes.
In order to win back space from things and not turn into Plushkin, experts recommend auditing as often as possible and getting rid of unnecessary things without regret.
Photo: Shutterstock
Darby Saxby, in an article for a scientific journal, also cites a lack of sympathy for home as the reason for the disorder. In other words, if for some reason a person does not like his home, then he will not have a desire to make it cleaner or more comfortable either. An excellent option in this case would be to make repairs to your liking or, if, for example, the very location of the home repels, move to another area or even a city.
Inconvenient arrangement and storage of things can also lead to a mess. If a person uses space irrationally and has not thought out storage, he will use certain objects and after that not return them to their place, but leave them where he pleases. According to statistics compiled by professional space organizer Regina Lark, the average American home holds 300,000 items, counting everything from paper clips to ironing boards. It is not surprising that if you do not organize storage correctly and do not get rid of unnecessary things in a timely manner, you can simply get lost in this heap.
What disorders can disorder in the house indicate?
As mentioned above, pathological hoarding, or syllogomania, is the scientific name for the disorder. But in Russia, this is usually called Plyushkin's syndrome in honor of Gogol's character from the poem Dead Souls. Such a person drags unnecessary things into the house and does not even allow the thought of conducting an audit and sorting out the trash. In a particularly neglected stage, the room is so cluttered that it becomes unsuitable for life.
However, it may be not only the desire to collect necessary and not very necessary things at home. The mess in the house can be explained by reasons that are not obvious at first glance. First, immaturity, or infantilism, says clinical psychologist Susan Heitler. In this case, a person can be developed beyond his years and even realized in his profession, but at the same time he is absolutely unsuitable for everyday life. This usually manifests itself in an unwillingness to take responsibility, to be mindful, to arrange an apartment or maintain cleanliness.
Chronic stress can also affect not only the person but also their home. Depression, anxiety, loss, or apathy can lead to hoarding. In this way, a person tries to cope with his feelings and at least for a while forget about his problems
Unfortunately, contemplation of a cluttered home exacerbates this problem even more. In 2010, researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles conducted a study aimed at people's perception of their own home. As a result, it turned out that women who had real chaos at home were subject to chronic stress. Bad relationships with loved ones and health problems completed this picture. Almost the same discord was experienced by working office workers, forced to return from work to an untidy house.
Photo: Kinga Cichewicz / Unsplash
There is also a direct relationship between constant home chaos and procrastination, scientists from the University of Chicago found. In 1977, the term “procrastination” became established in scientific circles, referring to the habit of putting things off until later.
Usually, procrastination hides not only a lack of motivation, but also self-doubt, internal fears, or even protests. A person first violates deadlines and agreements, and then reproaches himself for it. And so in a circle.
It would seem that what is the connection between the unwillingness to keep your house clean and an attempt to attract attention to yourself? Scientists from Ruskin University in England found that people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are significantly more prone to chaos and disorder.
A chronic mess can really be a kind of manipulation for them. They demonstrate helplessness in the hope of attention and care
It also happens that people prefer to live in an eternal mess just because it seems impossible for them to achieve the ideal picture that has already formed in their head, so it's not worth even trying. An action that is half done is perceived by them as a personal failure or even a disaster, so they prefer not to even start.
Therefore, painful perfectionism often affects a person as negatively as the desire to let everything take its course.
Photo: Shutterstock
How can you turn cleaning into a pleasant process and a good habit?
According to psychology professor Joseph Ferrari, who studies the causes of clutter in the home and the effect of clutter on the emotional state, many people simply cannot bring themselves to throw out some things. Due to excessive emotional attachment, they cannot part with certain items and in every possible way delay the cleaning process. The psychologist recommends that those who find it difficult to throw something out of the house entrust this process to someone else. Otherwise, there is a chance not to get rid of unnecessary items.
Psychologist Joseph Ferrari also recommends to stop impulsive purchases. According to him, most of what people buy, they just do not need.
Before bringing another trinket into the house, the psychologist recommends weighing the pros and cons and asking yourself if it is possible to do without it.
So, for example, professional space organizer Regina Lark recommends using dividers and special storage boxes. This will help keep the house clean, saving time and effort.
It is also important to learn how to delegate. Instead of shouldering all the household chores, psychologists advise to distribute responsibilities among family members. Thus, you can have time to do much more and find time for yourself.
If you follow these simple rules, the result will not be long in coming.
what's wrong with me • Bee
I make a mess. It's not about dust and dirt, I have a beautiful house. There are flowers, candles, clean plumbing, towels crunch and dust is wiped off, but I quickly fill up surfaces: wires, checks, candy wrappers and various trifles. Probably, there are perfectly neat people, and I have been like that since childhood. I remember how my parents at the age of four scolded me for the chaos in the boxes. At 18 they told me: “You went to college, but you left this in the room!” I live with this all my life, but I can’t decide: should I work on myself or just accept it as it is? We talk about this with psychologist Ekaterina Krasnoshtanova.
- When I'm tired (and I have a very busy schedule), order is the first thing that goes "in the furnace." Once a week I gather with courage and take everything apart, but it lasts for a day or two. I am drawn to beauty. But is it worth it to twist yourself?
— What did your parents tell you?
- That I'm a pig, since I have a mess. And it is true. They didn't speak. There was something to show.
- You said: "I have a beautiful house, towels are crisp, plumbing is clean." That's great, have you ever heard of the A student syndrome? Can you draw some kind of parallel with yourself?
- I think I can. I have always been a good student, I was asked a high bar.
- Sometimes in childhood, parents send us such a driver: to be perfect. If you do the cleaning - then like in a five-star hotel, if you participate in the Olympics - then a gold medal is required, if you get to work - get a Nobel Prize.
When a child brings threes or fours, he meets parental coldness and pressure, and then he feels: "They don't like me, I'm bad." In the future, such a person either does something perfectly, or does not do it at all, if he is not sure that he can do it perfectly. By the way, this is where procrastination starts, putting it off until the last moment.
- I think something like this can be, but not to a large extent. I have a good family, I love my parents. We are still in contact, help each other, often see each other and communicate. I don’t want to say at all: “You are to blame for everything, such a driver was launched.” The house in which I grew up was neat and comfortable, but there was, of course, no five-star hotel there.
— We do not blame parents in any way, we do not say that they are to blame. Parents really wanted the best, they wanted to instill a tendency to put things away in their places. Your mother probably pulled the house on her back and expected some help and organization from you.
Like all children, you thought everything your parents said was true. You were a child and could not explain to yourself that parents exaggerate for educational purposes. You lacked the experience and maturity to give an assessment.
- But maybe I'm really just a "pig?" After all, there are people by nature like that?
— Where do you spend most of your time?
— I work hard to provide for my son and subsequently my parents. Plus I go to the gym. I need to be productive, because without me the whole pyramid will collapse.
- We will return to this point a little later. What you said is very important. Now I want to ask: why do you order? What will you do with it?
- I like order. I am kinesthetic. I like to touch everything, pleasant smells and cleanliness. I love clean fabrics, it's easy for me to breathe and work on free surfaces. If I sit down to work, I will definitely dismantle the table.
Which I myself fill up, as I said.
— So what mess are you talking about? What is order for you?
- Or maybe, really, this is the order not for me, but for other people? I'm afraid I'm disturbing others with my mess.
— Do you have motivation? Why do you need to clean up?
- When things are in order, things are found faster. I sometimes lose something, and it brings me out. And with my schedule, it's a total disaster. If I had everything laid out, it would help me not to be late.
— Is that right? Sometimes there is such a way of thinking that it is easier to navigate in a creative mess. Think!
— No, I know for sure. I have places where everything is laid out, for example, a drawer with kitchen appliances. I love having everything in place. Maybe I have too many things, and I can not cope with their turnover? It's easier to rearrange your 3 cups, not 50.
- Let's talk about the inside.
There is physical fatigue, there is psychological. We notice the physical: the hands do not rise, the head hurts. Psychological - no, and we exploit the body to the fullest. There are light signals of psychological fatigue: tearfulness, apathy, mood jumps. We ignore them. But there can be only one dominant in the brain; only one thing can be done perfectly .
You said that you have to work a lot. There used to be a clearer division of labor. Famous poets, writers, artists had people working for them. They cleaned, cooked, and took care of the children. Do you have any?
— My parents and kindergarten help me. But it is my dream to have someone come and clean once a week while I spend time with loved ones.
Is it really impossible? Or feel sorry for the money? Or not accepted? Or relatives will not understand?
- No, I really cannot allocate such an amount from the budget now.
- If we are talking about internal problems, then this is not a mess in my head, but a prioritization: “Now I need to earn money.
I'm all at work." All your energy is directed towards work or the child. How do you want to have enough for everything at once?
— But I didn't have a child before and I didn't work. And the situation was the same. I was told a story about a grandmother who I look like and who also had a perpetual mess. Maybe there is a gene for the disorder?
— If a child is told from childhood: “You look like your grandmother,” he will look like her. The child will think: "Well, if the grandmother, then everything is fine." It becomes an identification with another person. If you tell a child that he is a fool, the result will not be long in coming.
Irvin Yalom gave us a catchphrase: "I am not my shoes."
You need to identify yourself with the paper on the floor and your grandmother. Do you understand? You are you. You have priorities in your head, and at the very beginning you said an important thing: "When I'm tired, I don't clean.
" At each point, you make a choice - to clean or rest, clean or play with the child. You make this choice voluntarily.
- You justify me and say that I'm good. We have such a small court. I am a convict and you are a lawyer. But what if the convicted person has no excuse? He does evil because he is evil. Why don't you accept the idea that I really am? The mess has no excuse. The mess is evil, and I reproduce it.
— You have a strange concept of mess. You say that important things are in order. No dirt, no stains. How is your kitchen? Shines?
- Terribly littered with things. Mountains of dishes, spices out of place, jars of coffee.
- When you don't put the jar away, what is on your mind at that moment? Forget? Where are you?
- I need to quickly resolve some issue, and then I don’t give a damn, I don’t want to put it somewhere.
- You prioritize. It is important for me to solve a problem.
And let this unfortunate jar stand anywhere. I will remove it when I can and I want.
- Yes! I can’t automatically keep order and be neat. This option is not in my head.
— We are not born with a gun in our head. It is formed as you grow up and receive installations. Don't you have this: "they all know that I'm a pig, but okay"?
— No, if I'm expecting guests, I try to clean everything up. I don't want anyone to see my mess.
- So you have control when you need it, but when you're alone, you can afford it.
— Yes, but I'm afraid that it might interfere with those who live near me.
We are back to disidentification again. I am not my shoes. What is important for a man and what is an indicator for him? Starched napkins? But not every woman is the meaning of life. Someone has children, someone has round-the-clock comfort, and someone has to take on a male profession and survive. What values someone has must be immediately recognized.
Are you only order and can you be loved only for this?
— Of course not.
— What is the order in your hierarchy of values?
- Around the seventh.
- So, before that, there are 6 points for which you can be loved and accepted. Besides, if you are not alone, you will have help. First of all financial. Perhaps at some point you will be able to hire a home planning and space organization assistant. Not every mindset can plan and calculate in such a way that it is convenient. And then you will say: “Why didn’t I think of doing everything so that my hand would reach out and put this jar of coffee where it was needed”!
- This is an ideal world. But millions of people cannot call such a person, and the problem must be solved.
— Why do you think they can't call? What kind of people are you talking about?
- Probably, I just live with a cliche from the Soviet past: “We are not a bar here, why waste money?”
— On the one hand, the idea is cultivated that a woman should do everything.
On the other hand, stereotypes from the past. And the pace of life is frantic. While you take this jar of coffee, you solve global problems for the whole day. What order can there be!
— But another person in my place could! Although I see these others only at a party and in photographs, and this is my ideal opinion about them.
- Quite right. And they think the same about you. I'll ask again. Is it hard for you to accept when you are praised?
I love praise. I need to be praised. There are moments with mom when praise is not enough. I can dress great and put on great makeup, but mom will find a pimple to poke. I'm not holding a grudge. I speak with her good-naturedly about these situations and do not take them with hostility.
— Has it ever happened that when I make a mess, only then will they notice me?
— I don't know… I don't think I would ever do it on purpose.
— Of course. It happens unconsciously.
In transactional analysis there is such a thing as stroking. In the truest sense of the word. It is important for a child to receive strokes. He does not understand the value of words, he understands when he is hugged, kissed.
If a child does not receive positive strokes, it is like death for him. It turns out the cry of the soul: “Well, pay attention to me! I am ready at least for negative strokes, at least to be scolded!”
And starts to play pranks. When it becomes a habit, a person carries this baggage into adulthood and unconsciously does some things to get attention. Unconsciously gathers around him those people who will give him these negative strokes, because he is used to them. We often choose those who remind us of someone from our childhood.
— It turns out that what matters is how I think about myself and how I realize myself. If I believe that I am a pig, then I tell the whole world where to hit me? How sad. Just awful (sniffle) .
But there are men, for example, who scatter their socks, cigarette butts and bottles. And try to tell them something. They are absolutely sure of their irresistibility.
— Yes, we return to the same thing again: to disidentify ourselves and disorder. You are not the order in your apartment. When clutter happens, you prioritize.
If you build new relationships, the main thing is not to fall for this hook again. So that you are not poked like a kitten into pieces of paper. First of all in your life - your first 6 points. They are more important than beautifully arranged bubbles on a chest of drawers.
It is necessary to say that the ideal order is not a priority for me and look for solutions together. Do not let yourself be beaten for this. Do not drive yourself into a neurosis. There will come a time when you have to prioritize and leave unwashed cups on the table because you have an important meeting.
And again, arrange everything in such a way that you will not be the only one to carry everything!
— How can I disidentify myself from the mess, concrete steps?
- Try to take paper and a pen and write down your self-worth, your good qualities.
Sometimes it is difficult, and the sheet of paper remains empty for a long time. Watch yourself for a few days.
I wake up and what do I see? Is this the ceiling I want to see? Did I sleep comfortably? On the bed you want? Do I eat what I want or whatever comes to hand? Do I dress the way I want?
And then you need to ask yourself the question: “Why am I sleeping on the wrong bed and why did I eat the wrong thing?”
- Dangerous. So you can blow up your whole world. It's a utopia. Is everything in our life the way we want?
- And you understand what you want. People often don't even know what they want for breakfast. They got used to being dictated to, and then they live like robots.
- At the moment of understanding that I am me, will the hand that wants to make a mess stop?
- The result is still unpredictable. The process must be observed. If you have an understanding in your head that you are prioritizing, you can quite consciously leave this can of coffee on the table, but you will no longer reproach yourself for it.
- That's a great idea! Thank you for her.
- Now you will think differently. I want to do this / I don't want to, because I want to do what is more important to me now. Don't compare yourself to others, no one lives in an Instagram apartment. People broadcast on social networks what they want, and not what is actually there. Who will show their dirty windows? Everyone shows what they would like to show guests when they invite them into their home.
— What about raising a child? I approach my son harshly, I say: "If the toys are not removed, then the cartoons are canceled." This is not good? How can I put it in order?
- Just please don't label him so he doesn't hear about any great-grandmothers with a mess. Educate through the game, competition. Winning is always fun and interesting. But not threats. Ultimatums don't work.
— But to make cleaning a game, it also needs strength...
— That's right.
