Narcissistic rage mother
8 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children
Our mothers are the foundation of our first attachment to the world. As infants, we learn by her example how to bond with others. We derive our initial sense of our self-worth from how she cares for us, nurtures us, protects and shields us from harm.
A mother’s capacity to provide us with a healthy attachment, to tune into our emotions, validate our pain, and meet our basic needs has a fundamental impact on our development, attachment styles, and emotional regulation (Brumariu & Kerns, 2010). When this initial attachment is instead tarnished by psychological violence, it can leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. Emotional and verbal abuse by a parent can hinder our learning, memory, decision-making and impulse control in adulthood; it can also heighten our risk for anxiety, suicidal ideation, addiction,and depression (Bremner, 2006; Teicher, 2006; Brumariu & Kerns, 2008).
An abusive, narcissistic mother sets up her daughters and sons for inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. Her insatiable need for control, excessive sense of entitlement, stunning lack of empathy, tendency towards interpersonal exploitation and constant need for attention overrides the welfare of her children (McBride, 2013).
Not only does the narcissistic mother fail to protect us early on from the terrors of the outside world, she becomes the sourceof our terror. Rather than affection, we are exposed to unhealthy enmeshment, chronic rage, and egregious boundary-breaking. Narcissistic parenting distorts our self-perception; instead of being given the building blocks of a healthy self-esteem, we internalize a nagging inner critic and a perpetual sense of self-doubt (Walker, 2013).
The narcissistic mothers erratic shift in emotions, her ever-conditional love, her constant shaming tactics and her ruthless comparisons terrorize us, creating a persistent sense of anxiety where safety and security should be.
What toxic parentsallhave in common is their inability to provide their children with a safe, nurturing, and loving environment.
If they are narcissistically abusive, they are without empathy and sometimes even conscience. This type of ruthless behavior has a damaging impact on our early development as well as the way we navigate the world as adults.
The narcissistic mother engages in the following toxic behaviors:
1. She chronically shames her children.Shaming is a tactic the narcissistic mother uses to ensure that her children never develop a stable sense of identity or self-esteem to ensure that they never grow independent enough outside of seeking her validation or approval. She shames her children for not accomplishing enough academically, socially, professionally and personally. She shames them for their choice of career, partner, friends, lifestyle, their manner of dress, their personality, their preferences – all of these and more come under the scrutiny of the narcissistic mother. She shames her children for acting with any sense of agency because it threatens
her sense of control and power.
By doing so, she instills in them a sense of never being good enough, no matter what they achieve.
Like any narcissist, the narcissistic mother engages in triangulation manufacturing triangles among her children and even their peers. She destructively compares her children to their peers, teaching them that they fall short in terms of looks, personality, obedient behavior, and accomplishments. She unfairly pits two or more siblings against one another, always asking, Why cant you be more like your sister or your brother? She stirs up competition, drama, and chaos. She might make one child a golden child (doting upon them excessively) while making the other a scapegoat. This form of devaluation can leave a painful imprint; it causes her children to compare themselves to others as a way to evaluate their self-worth.
3. She treats her children as extensions of her.The narcissistic mother micromanages and exerts an excessive level of control over the way her children act and look to the public.
Her children are objects and must be pristine and polished in every way, lest their reputation or appearance taint her own. Though she criticizes them and treats them with contempt behind closed doors, in public she shows her children off as if they were prized possessions. She brags about how little Timmy always gets straight As and how her darling Stacy is the prettiest little girl in town. Yet behind closed doors, she is pouncing on Timmy with reprimands about what he has yet to accomplish and picking on Stacys weight.
It is common for narcissistic mothers to compete with their children, especially their own daughters. The narcissistic mother is likely to overvalue her own looks and sexual prowess. Female narcissists exhibit internalized misogyny and often view other females as competition. The daughter is thus looked upon with fury, jealousy,and envy her own offspring is viewed as a threat.
As a result, she may devalue her daughters appearance, criticize her body and shame her. On the other hand, some narcissistic mothers will objectify their daughters and demand physical perfection. She may expose her daughters to inappropriate discussions about sex or flaunt her body, placing an emphasis on the value of appearances. She might teach her daughters and sons that a woman derives value from her body and her ability to please men sexually. If the narcissistic mother has histrionic tendencies, she may even seduce the friends of her children to demonstrate her superiority over her younger competition.
In other cultures where sexuality is far more restricted, the narcissistic mother may instead attempt to stifle her daughters burgeoning sexuality and punish her for being anything less than abstinent. She may fail to provide her daughters with the proper education concerning sex and their growing bodies.
5. An obsession with the external, at the expense of her childs needs.
To the narcissistic mother, appearances are everything. She may construct the false image of being a sweet, loving and charitable person to others all while gossiping about others, engaging in petty one-upping and abusing her children emotionally, physically or even sexually. She enjoys the social status of being a mother without doing the actual maternal work.
She shows off her children without properly tending to their basic emotional and psychological needs. To her, how things look is far more important than how they actually are. Depending on her social class, the narcissistic mother may enlist the help of others to care for her children while neglecting to give her children affection or attention when they are around, treating them as nuisances rather than as human beings. She may even be callous and cold to the point where she refuses to touch her children altogether.
6. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking.At the other end of the spectrum, the narcissistic mother may become so enmeshed with her children and overbearing that she engages in covert emotional incest.
She makes her children the center of the world and responsible for fulfilling her emotional needs.
Rather than taking on the responsibilities of being an authority figure and parent, she parentifies her own children, making them feel obligated to cater to her arbitrary desires and expectations. She violates her childrens basic needs for privacy and autonomy, demanding to know every facet of their lives. She might enter their rooms without knocking, read their diaries, and interrogate them constantly about their friends or romantic partners. She keeps her children in a state of perpetual childhood by punishing them for growing up whether that means moving out of the house, getting married, going on a date or becoming aware of their sexuality.
7. Becomes enraged at any perceived threat to her superiority.The narcissistic mother is not unlike any other narcissist in that she feels entitled to have her way and endures narcissistic injury when this sense of superiority is questioned or threatened in any way.
As a result, her emotions tend to be a psychological rollercoaster from start to finish. From the sudden outbursts of rage when you fail to obey her demands to the abrupt love-bombing which occurs when she needs something from her children, there is little consistency in a household with a narcissistic mother. Her children walk on eggshells every day, fearful of encountering their mothers rage and punishment.
A childs reactions to her narcissistic mothers abuse are frequently met with invalidation, shaming and further gaslighting. The narcissistic mother lacks empathy for the feelings of her children and fails to consider their basic needs. A narcissistic mother is prone to telling her children that the abuse never occurred. It is common for the narcissistic mother to claim that her child is being oversensitive or overreacting to horrendous acts of psychological violence.
The narcissistic mother has no qualms about using her emotional outbursts to control and manipulate her children, yet when her children express their emotions, she invalidates them completely.
She redirects the focus to her needs and guilt-trips her children at every sign of perceived disobedience. She provokes her children and is sadistically pleased when her put-downs and insults have staying power.
Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct.
This article is an excerpt from my new book for children of narcissistic parents, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone.References Bremner, J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain.Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience,8(4), 445461.
Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2010). Parentchild attachment and internalizing symptoms in childhood and adolescence: A review of empirical findings and future directions. Development and Psychopathology, 22(01), 177. doi:10.1017/s0954579409990344
Brumariu, L.
E., & Kerns, K. A. (2008). Motherchild attachment and social anxiety symptoms in middle childhood. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 393-402. doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2008.06.002
McBride, K. (2013). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. New York: Atria Paperback.
Miller, A. (2008). The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self . New York: BasicBooks.
Teicher, M. (2006). Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various Forms of Childhood Maltreatment. American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(6), 993. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.163.6.993
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote.
Featured image licensed by Shutterstock.
8 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children
Our mothers are the foundation of our first attachment to the world.
As infants, we learn by her example how to bond with others. We derive our initial sense of our self-worth from how she cares for us, nurtures us, protects and shields us from harm.
A mother’s capacity to provide us with a healthy attachment, to tune into our emotions, validate our pain, and meet our basic needs has a fundamental impact on our development, attachment styles, and emotional regulation (Brumariu & Kerns, 2010). When this initial attachment is instead tarnished by psychological violence, it can leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. Emotional and verbal abuse by a parent can hinder our learning, memory, decision-making and impulse control in adulthood; it can also heighten our risk for anxiety, suicidal ideation, addiction,and depression (Bremner, 2006; Teicher, 2006; Brumariu & Kerns, 2008).
An abusive, narcissistic mother sets up her daughters and sons for inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. Her insatiable need for control, excessive sense of entitlement, stunning lack of empathy, tendency towards interpersonal exploitation and constant need for attention overrides the welfare of her children (McBride, 2013).
Not only does the narcissistic mother fail to protect us early on from the terrors of the outside world, she becomes the sourceof our terror. Rather than affection, we are exposed to unhealthy enmeshment, chronic rage, and egregious boundary-breaking. Narcissistic parenting distorts our self-perception; instead of being given the building blocks of a healthy self-esteem, we internalize a nagging inner critic and a perpetual sense of self-doubt (Walker, 2013).
The narcissistic mothers erratic shift in emotions, her ever-conditional love, her constant shaming tactics and her ruthless comparisons terrorize us, creating a persistent sense of anxiety where safety and security should be.
What toxic parentsallhave in common is their inability to provide their children with a safe, nurturing, and loving environment. If they are narcissistically abusive, they are without empathy and sometimes even conscience. This type of ruthless behavior has a damaging impact on our early development as well as the way we navigate the world as adults.
The narcissistic mother engages in the following toxic behaviors:
1. She chronically shames her children.Shaming is a tactic the narcissistic mother uses to ensure that her children never develop a stable sense of identity or self-esteem to ensure that they never grow independent enough outside of seeking her validation or approval. She shames her children for not accomplishing enough academically, socially, professionally and personally. She shames them for their choice of career, partner, friends, lifestyle, their manner of dress, their personality, their preferences – all of these and more come under the scrutiny of the narcissistic mother. She shames her children for acting with any sense of agency because it threatens her sense of control and power. By doing so, she instills in them a sense of never being good enough, no matter what they achieve.
2. She sets up damaging comparisons among her children as well as their peers.
Like any narcissist, the narcissistic mother engages in triangulation manufacturing triangles among her children and even their peers. She destructively compares her children to their peers, teaching them that they fall short in terms of looks, personality, obedient behavior, and accomplishments. She unfairly pits two or more siblings against one another, always asking, Why cant you be more like your sister or your brother? She stirs up competition, drama, and chaos. She might make one child a golden child (doting upon them excessively) while making the other a scapegoat. This form of devaluation can leave a painful imprint; it causes her children to compare themselves to others as a way to evaluate their self-worth.
3. She treats her children as extensions of her.The narcissistic mother micromanages and exerts an excessive level of control over the way her children act and look to the public. Her children are objects and must be pristine and polished in every way, lest their reputation or appearance taint her own.
Though she criticizes them and treats them with contempt behind closed doors, in public she shows her children off as if they were prized possessions. She brags about how little Timmy always gets straight As and how her darling Stacy is the prettiest little girl in town. Yet behind closed doors, she is pouncing on Timmy with reprimands about what he has yet to accomplish and picking on Stacys weight.
It is common for narcissistic mothers to compete with their children, especially their own daughters. The narcissistic mother is likely to overvalue her own looks and sexual prowess. Female narcissists exhibit internalized misogyny and often view other females as competition. The daughter is thus looked upon with fury, jealousy,and envy her own offspring is viewed as a threat.
As a result, she may devalue her daughters appearance, criticize her body and shame her.
On the other hand, some narcissistic mothers will objectify their daughters and demand physical perfection. She may expose her daughters to inappropriate discussions about sex or flaunt her body, placing an emphasis on the value of appearances. She might teach her daughters and sons that a woman derives value from her body and her ability to please men sexually. If the narcissistic mother has histrionic tendencies, she may even seduce the friends of her children to demonstrate her superiority over her younger competition.
In other cultures where sexuality is far more restricted, the narcissistic mother may instead attempt to stifle her daughters burgeoning sexuality and punish her for being anything less than abstinent. She may fail to provide her daughters with the proper education concerning sex and their growing bodies.
5. An obsession with the external, at the expense of her childs needs.To the narcissistic mother, appearances are everything. She may construct the false image of being a sweet, loving and charitable person to others all while gossiping about others, engaging in petty one-upping and abusing her children emotionally, physically or even sexually.
She enjoys the social status of being a mother without doing the actual maternal work.
She shows off her children without properly tending to their basic emotional and psychological needs. To her, how things look is far more important than how they actually are. Depending on her social class, the narcissistic mother may enlist the help of others to care for her children while neglecting to give her children affection or attention when they are around, treating them as nuisances rather than as human beings. She may even be callous and cold to the point where she refuses to touch her children altogether.
6. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking.At the other end of the spectrum, the narcissistic mother may become so enmeshed with her children and overbearing that she engages in covert emotional incest. She makes her children the center of the world and responsible for fulfilling her emotional needs.
Rather than taking on the responsibilities of being an authority figure and parent, she parentifies her own children, making them feel obligated to cater to her arbitrary desires and expectations.
She violates her childrens basic needs for privacy and autonomy, demanding to know every facet of their lives. She might enter their rooms without knocking, read their diaries, and interrogate them constantly about their friends or romantic partners. She keeps her children in a state of perpetual childhood by punishing them for growing up whether that means moving out of the house, getting married, going on a date or becoming aware of their sexuality.
The narcissistic mother is not unlike any other narcissist in that she feels entitled to have her way and endures narcissistic injury when this sense of superiority is questioned or threatened in any way. As a result, her emotions tend to be a psychological rollercoaster from start to finish. From the sudden outbursts of rage when you fail to obey her demands to the abrupt love-bombing which occurs when she needs something from her children, there is little consistency in a household with a narcissistic mother.
Her children walk on eggshells every day, fearful of encountering their mothers rage and punishment.
A childs reactions to her narcissistic mothers abuse are frequently met with invalidation, shaming and further gaslighting. The narcissistic mother lacks empathy for the feelings of her children and fails to consider their basic needs. A narcissistic mother is prone to telling her children that the abuse never occurred. It is common for the narcissistic mother to claim that her child is being oversensitive or overreacting to horrendous acts of psychological violence.
The narcissistic mother has no qualms about using her emotional outbursts to control and manipulate her children, yet when her children express their emotions, she invalidates them completely. She redirects the focus to her needs and guilt-trips her children at every sign of perceived disobedience. She provokes her children and is sadistically pleased when her put-downs and insults have staying power.
Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct.
This article is an excerpt from my new book for children of narcissistic parents, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone.References Bremner, J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain.Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience,8(4), 445461.
Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2010). Parentchild attachment and internalizing symptoms in childhood and adolescence: A review of empirical findings and future directions. Development and Psychopathology, 22(01), 177. doi:10.1017/s0954579409990344
Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2008). Motherchild attachment and social anxiety symptoms in middle childhood. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 393-402.
doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2008.06.002
McBride, K. (2013). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. New York: Atria Paperback.
Miller, A. (2008). The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self. New York: BasicBooks.
Teicher, M. (2006). Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various Forms of Childhood Maltreatment. American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(6), 993. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.163.6.993
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote.
Featured image licensed by Shutterstock.
Luke Moison. Narcissistic rage in theory and practice (end)
Beginning
CAUSES OF NARCISSIAN RAGE
Narcissistic rage is caused by traumatic wounds inflicted in early childhood. Kernberg and Melanie Klein viewed narcissistic (or oral) rage and envy as a consequence of the childhood fantasy that the mother aggressively withholds gratification.
Pathological narcissism in early childhood is the result of chronically cold, unempathic parenting, depriving their children of the love and attention they need to develop safely. Disturbances in the mother-child relationship lead to the reunification of self and object images, causing identity diffusion and the formation of a grandiose (narcissistic) self. This is how a generation gap arises (Berman, 1990).
Fixation occurs when the child is met with massive disapproval or neglect, instead of the attention and support needed to develop stable, libidinal conceptions of the self that are integrated into the person's self-consciousness.
In Kernberg's view of the narcissistic family cycle, the parental figure (usually the mother or surrogate mother) appears to function well at first glance, but exhibits callousness, indifference, and malicious aggressiveness. A mother is often too invested in the life of her child, considering him an extension of herself and using him for her narcissistic needs.
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Masterson links the development of narcissistic disorder to a fixation that resurrects the Raproshman (Mahler) crisis, lasting until the child is about one and a half years old. He also connects the development of borderline disorder with the crisis of rapproshman, however, this happens at the age of 18 to 24 months.
It is clear that there has been a significant shift in psychopathology requiring psychotherapeutic treatment. If previous generations dealt mainly with neurotic problems, i.e. problems caused by repression of sexuality, aggression, strength and power, and lifelessness, we are now much more likely to face serious problems of identity diffusion, in which patients experience and split their social environment into black and white. The feeling of emptiness, the inability to feel life, a deep sense of loneliness and separation anxiety are central themes. These unbearable feelings are often eliminated through destructive behavior towards oneself (self-harm, severe eating disorders, repeated suicide attempts) or through extremely aggressive behavior towards other people.
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Let me describe some real changes at the level of our modern society that may also be an important reason for the higher prevalence of narcissistic problems.
Would you agree with me if I say that mobile phones and the Internet play a crucial role in our modern life? Of course, I myself understand the huge advantages and huge opportunities that these new communication and information tools provide, but, like any important object, they are fraught with a number of serious dangers. Despite the ban, many motorists use their mobile phones. When my grandfather fought in the First World War, he wrote letters to my grandmother. It usually took several weeks of waiting before he received a response. Now lovers are in almost constant contact with each other, regardless of which country or even which continent each of them is located in! What my grandparents had, and what we lack today, is anticipation, the privilege of experiencing a state of desire. I know people who call or write several letters a day to their relatives when they go on vacation, they even describe the menu in detail.
What can they say when they return home? Future parents know the sex of their unborn child soon after conception, and it will not be long before parents can determine many of the characteristics of their offspring. nine0003
Today we want to know everything, and any situation of impotence is no longer acceptable to us. Everything is allowed, everything should be possible, and not later, not tomorrow, but right now, immediately. Children are extremely spoiled financially and pampered ... Children should not learn to adapt to the environment, no - the environment should adapt to the child.
What was new for me in my work with adolescents was their oppositional attitude, not only among young men, but also among one or both parents. I tried to explain to the boy's mother that sexual relations were not allowed in our ward and that they could play a destructive role in his therapy. The mother replied that she did not agree and, leaving my office, quickly approached her son's friend, who was also a patient, and kissed her right in front of me .
..
We live in the world of "His Majesty the Child". This is the time of individual autonomy, mastering one's choices. The slogan: "il faut etre soi" ("Be yourself!") is no longer thanks to, but in spite of others. Authority and religion are ignored.
One of the dangers is that these young men are not prepared to deal with disappointments and failures. In this regard, I ask you to keep in mind that setting limits is just as important as giving the child what he really needs. Or in other words: being a good enough mother also means being bad enough. It is critical to ensure that the level of frustration is optimal, which means that the frustration should not be too strong to cause injury, but it should be large enough to make a difference. nine0007 The ability to delay immediate gratification is critical to the humanization process. It leads to the development of symbolization and, as Bion said, the state of absence, emptiness is fundamental to the emergence of thinking.
Narcissistic Rage vs.
BORDERLINE AND NEUROTIC RAGE
The narcissistic rage that occurs on a large scale in the early stages of therapy (particularly in narcissists who function at a distinctly borderline level) is different from the anger that emerges as part of the processing of narcissistic traumas in the later stages of therapy. nine0007 Hasty and overt manifestations of narcissistic rage pose a significant threat to therapy. Such rapid tantrums are characteristic of narcissistic borderline patients with antisocial traits or perversions with overtly sadistic elements, as well as adolescents with antisocial behavior.
In such cases, supportive therapy with an emphasis, according to Kernberg, on continuous interpretation and boundary setting is preferable. If the therapist succeeds in structuring the patient's behavior in society so well that the outbursts of anger can be sufficiently controlled, and at the same time guarantee the maintenance of therapeutic neutrality in the therapeutic situation, then a systematic interpretation of the defensive (against primitive guilt and fear of separation) function of aggression can become satisfactory response to narcissistic rage.
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With neurotic patients, resentment, shame, humiliation and disappointment towards the therapist are temporary and less intense. These reactions remain associated with the ability to assume an independent relationship with the psychotherapist, even in the most difficult times, for example, when separation and mourning reactions are revived in the transference. During such negative transference reactions, feelings of rage and anger do not lead to a complete devaluation of the therapist. Narcissists, however, are characterized by devaluation and contempt, often expressed as rationalized "disappointments." They do not grieve or fear separation on the weekends or during breaks in therapy (Kernberg, 1978).
With neurotic individuals, infantile feelings of rage alternate with manifestations of love, gratitude and idealization brought on by guilt, and this gives a completely different picture of transferences.
With neurotics, aggressiveness is not unlimited. Despite the distinct presence of rage, her goal is clear: to defeat the enemy that blocks the path to the cherished goal.
But the enemy is still perceived as a separate person, although he is a threat to the satisfaction of narcissistic needs that are embedded in reality. For the narcissistically vulnerable individual, the enemy that provokes the archaic rage is not perceived as a separate individual, but as a destructive crack in the narcissistically perceived reality. The enemy is the rebellious part of the extended self that he hopes to take complete control of. The fact that the other is independent, may think differently and have different values, makes him an enemy. nine0007 Although we all react to trauma with anger and shame, people with this vulnerability show shame and rage most intensely, such people need absolute control over the archaic environment so that they can maintain their sense of self-worth.
One can only expect these mechanisms to be repeated in the therapeutic relationship.
In narcissistic problems, idealizing and mirror transferences are mainly described.
narcissistic rage in prenos
Narcissistic rage and the idealizing transference
In the idealizing transference, an omnipotent, idealized image of the parents is projected through a self-object relationship in which the patient sees himself as part of the ideal analyst and thus restores the lost symbiotic paradise.
Unlike Freud and Kernberg, Kohut advocates the full development of the therapist's idealization in order to set in motion a process of frustration that the patient did not go through in childhood.
Since parents often disappoint young children rather sharply, Kohut emphasizes that the therapist should help to make this process gradual. nine0007 Unlike Kernberg, Kohut's focus is not on underlying aggression, but on frustration with the idealized therapist or the idealized self. Patients experience this very strongly, therefore, in order to finally work through this problem, the therapist must have an extremely developed capacity for empathy and be very tactful.
He warns therapists about the dangers of countertransference when therapists realize that they are only a partial object and their individuality is denied. nine0007 According to Kohut, the goal of therapy is to establish a higher level of narcissistic functioning in the presence of a reliable libidinal cathexis of the self and a more stable sense of self-worth.
As a consequence, the narcissistic rage is neutralized.
For him, the improvement of object relations is the result of the treatment, not the goal. In Kernberg's view, on the other hand, the therapist's idealization is a defense against underlying envy and devaluation and must always be interpreted from this perspective. He argues that Kohut avoids rage, envy, and devaluation in the transference by implicitly satisfying the primitive libidinal needs of the narcissistic patient. nine0007 Kernberg argues that if therapists work with narcissistic resistance, seeing only libidinal conflicts and ignoring existing aggression, then this will interfere with the systematic interpretation of the defenses of the grandiose self. The therapist must interpret both the idealization and the omnipotent desire for control.
The patient must become aware of his tendency to devalue and despise the therapist for being an independent entity over which he has no control (either be who I want you to be or disappear).
He does so to protect himself from the reactivation of the latent oral need, envy, and the psychotherapist's vengeance that accompanies them. Narcissistic inhibition comes mainly from the fear of revenge and guilt. They have to be researched and interpreted all the time. nine0007 Kernberg believes that the patient's orientation towards both positive and negative transference will help him develop more fully, allow him to build more mature relationships with other people, accept his independence from others and to some extent empathize. Avoiding negative transference interpretations, the patient becomes afraid of his own aggression and destructiveness and becomes even more inhibited.
Narcissistic rage and mirror transference
In the treatment of narcissistic personalities, Kohut considers (Kohut, 1971) the patient's need to accept his infantile, exhibitionistic grandiose self, expressed in the "mirror transfer". The transference may take the form of an archaic fusion of the patient with the therapist, which is experienced as an extension of the patient's omnipotent self, in analogy to the child's symbiotic experience.
If the mother responds adequately to the exhibitionistic needs of the child, then his sense of self-esteem will be confirmed. Gradual selectivity in the mother's responses will contribute to a more realistic self-assessment. nine0003
Similarly, the analyst who encounters such mirror transferences should not reveal too early the unrealistic needs and expectations of the patient. The patient must be able to neutralize the repression of the grandiose self and accept it as a necessary part of his development. Only then, argues Kohut, can the narcissistic libido, fixed on this repressed pathological structure, become available to the ego to continue developing a stable self and well-balanced object relations. nine0007 A psychotherapist who encounters such mirror transferences must handle countertransference with care, as the expression of omnipotent fantasies is not accepted in normal social encounters and can be irritating and disgusting.
Marcel, an army sergeant, underwent psychotherapy in a military hospital for depressive and psychosomatic complaints.
The symptoms were due to the failure of the officer's examination. Visible complaints of depression were covered by intense anger at the resentment caused by the failure. In his opinion, the commission was completely incompetent. All the examination material they checked was completely known to him, but they completely ignored his ability to understand, as well as the vast experience he had acquired over many years of service. Whenever he wanted to reveal it, he was interrupted and asked another question. Worse, one of the members of the commission joked that the officer corps could do just fine without him. He considered such a remark unacceptable. nine0007 My supervisor, a psychotherapist officer, patiently listened to the patient's grievances over many sessions. One day he told a patient that he would not attend one of the next sessions because ... he had to examine some people. I interpreted this violation of the withdrawal rule by the therapist (he was usually quite respectful) as an unconscious negative countertransference in which he literally took on the role of the aggressor in the patient's story.
The therapist felt the challenge thrown to him as a judge in an unconscious, narcissistic way, and deftly redirected it to the patient. At the same time, he confirmed his superior, and therefore dangerous, position towards his patient. nine0003
The ability to communicate an omnipotent fantasy is extremely important and more favorable in terms of prognosis. By reporting it, the patient renounces splitting within his psychological system. In doing so, he emerges from social isolation, which is an implicit consequence of secret superiority (Thiel, 1986).
Tim never got around to communicating like that. He did not participate in local psychotherapeutic programs, because he was completely satisfied with his fantasies. He spent days in bed making ambitious, unrealistic plans to travel the world and bathe in gold. He preferred to regressively get drunk alone until he passed out and resisted any confrontation with reality. In the end, we had to discharge him without any hopeful prospects.
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The traditional interpretation of the fantasy of magnificence (for example, the need for admiration as a defense mechanism against an underlying Oedipal conflict) in a patient with a narcissistic personality usually produces narcissistic rage, which may manifest itself in cold silence or withdrawal. The patient feels abandoned by the therapist who, like his mother, cannot tune in to his need for a mirror image. The patient hears criticism of his expression of his real narcissistic need for admiration. Such a poorly consonant interpretation does not contribute to the patient's insight and does not mobilize his defenses of a higher level; on the contrary, it will withdraw into itself and force out the flourishing grandiose self. Narcissistic rage caused by inappropriate interpretation often leads to impasse or interruption of therapy (Thaggart White, 1986).
Narcissistic Rage and Countertransference
From a countertransference perspective, psychotherapists may be tempted to hurt their patients by making sarcastic remarks.
The task of adequately containing the idealizing and mirror transference remains difficult. If the therapist's parents, his teacher, or, in special cases, the teaching therapist treated him in the same way, then countertransference manipulation becomes an even more difficult problem.
Very often such sharp remarks are substantiated by the interests of the patient, as being in the service of reality and development. nine0003
In one of the sessions, Johan told the therapist about the difficulties of choosing a study and career, as he excelled in all subjects. If he chooses medicine, he will not be able to develop his mathematical and linguistic abilities; if he chooses law, his scientific abilities will suffer...
Thinking along these lines, he came to the conclusion that perhaps the best option would be to become a professional international quiz player. This would give him the opportunity to show people how versatile his knowledge is. He beamed with pride at the thought and spoke with great enthusiasm.
The therapist, carried away by the atmosphere of euphoria, replied: "Yes, Johan, I can now introduce you to the Field of Miracles." Both laughed. During the supervision, my supervisor was still beaming as he read this passage. However, I was not happy. I thought the intervention was very risky, almost sarcastic; it was probably caused by the therapist's unconscious, his negative countertransference, but this may have hindered the working alliance considerably. Cracked mirror. nine0003
PROCESSING NARCISSIC RAGE
When rages arise in the transference in the more advanced stages of therapy, this initially superficial, amiable, usually indifferent person, who seems to be completely in control of himself, often turns into an enraged individual. This transformation can happen completely unexpectedly.
If this moment can be worked out, then this can be a significant step forward. With patients who develop narcissistic rage later in therapy, it is usually easier to analyze the source and function of the rage in the transference.
Rage provoked by the slightest real or imagined disappointment can be a turning point in contrast to the therapist's earlier subtle devaluations. nine0003
Tom refused therapy more than once a week. While working in a grocery delivery service, he claimed that he could not come to sessions at the appointed time. Two years later, he told me that a colleague of his went to judo practice every Tuesday night. This prompted him to demand a fixed hour for the sessions. I saw this as a reduction in tension in his sense of dependence on me.
We agreed to meet every Wednesday night. That same week, he called me to say that due to circumstances beyond his control he would not be able to come to the first appointment, but he still insisted on the session. I agreed to see him the following Thursday. When he entered my office, I shook hands with him and, out of habit, reached out to get my notebook. Implementing our previous agreement, I said: "Oh, yes! We fixed the schedule." nine0007 At first, Tom complained about the many mistakes in the work of his colleagues and boss.
Wrong orders and miscalculations annoyed him to no end. He generalized his dissatisfaction by accusing almost all people of stupidity. When I asked him if he felt the same way about me, he turned pale with rage and said in an emotionally charged tone, "Do you understand how rude you are, how incredibly rude you are? You don't care one iota about your patients. You don't even remember appointments. You're like a bull in a china shop, it's a shame. It's good to remember that you're the therapist and I'm the patient. Just make sure you do your job well..." Silence. I was struck by his reaction; before, he always spoke in a monotone and without emotion. nine0007 Kernberg would probably have tried to integrate this devaluation into the patient's previously noted positive feelings for me. To my surprise, I could not remember a single positive remark addressed to me. I have treated this man for over two years and he has not said anything good about me.
I told the patient that I could imagine what a terrible disappointment he must have experienced when he came to such a boorish therapist.
"Indeed," he said, but his tone was less angry, and he suggested that the matter be considered closed. "I hope you can avoid such mistakes in the future with me or with other patients. Anyway, I pay to be able to make such remarks." End of quote. nine0007 In total, his therapy lasted seven years. A few years later, he unexpectedly appeared on my doorstep to announce that he was still fine and that he would like to thank me for my dedication.
The expression of anger was a turning point in therapy. The patient had to admit that his therapist, his mother, also had a number of virtues, which he denied and devalued; and it makes him feel guilty. He feels terrible because he has been abusive to the therapist and other people important to him; he tried to destroy those whom he could love and who could love him. nine0007 Kohut argues that the goal pursued by the therapist working with narcissistic rage is not to transform this rage into constructive aggression and not to gain control over this rage from the autonomous ego.
What we should strive for is the gradual transformation of the narcissistic matrix that generates rage. If we succeed, then aggression will be used to fulfill the realistic ambitions of a well-formed self, ideals and goals pursued by an independent Superego, which takes on the functions of an archaic omnipotent object. nine0007 After the removal of the basic narcissistic defenses, the patient's primitive oral conflicts surface. His hatred for the dangerous, aggressive image of his mother is metaphorically projected. He must understand that his fear of an aggressive mother is a projection of his own aggression, caused by his frustrated mother.
He must also understand that the image of his grandiose self is a fantasy construction designed to protect him from this kind of hate relationship, while at the same time reflecting a hopeless longing for an ideal, helping mother. nine0007 The excessive expectations and love of such an ideal mother must be brought together in the transference so that the patient realizes that the intimidating and hating therapist mother and the therapist mother whom he admires are the same person (Kernberg, 1978).
Why do we hope for a therapeutic outcome rather than transference psychosis or premature termination of therapy? Perhaps because, unlike Echo, the therapist does not seek to satisfy his own desires. They share a common history, something Echo and Narcissus lacked. If interpretations are offered gradually and empathically, rage itself will support the process of individuation. Little by little, anger, revenge and envy are integrated into normal aggressiveness (Bromberg, 1978).
We must not demand too much from our patients or from ourselves. On the contrary, the patient must recognize that there will always be a latent readiness for rage in him at any threat to his narcissistic hopes (Kohut, 1978).
To sum up, narcissistic rage is mainly characterized by an almost insatiable revenge caused by a sense of powerlessness and a defense against dependence on other people.
Deprivation in early childhood leads to the stubborn maintenance of a grandiose self that colors the quality of a person's relationship to other people.
nine0007 Narcissistic rage differs from borderline and neurotic rage in intensity and quality.
Specific mirror and idealizing transferences in narcissistically vulnerable individuals create dangers for the therapist's countertransference.
The dispute between Kohut (empathy) and Kernberg (interpretation) to some extent shows different ways of working through the phenomenon of narcissistic rage.
38827 © 2010, Shutkov A.E. – Translation from English. http://trans.psyan.ru
Scientific editorial office - Zimina E.R. nine0007 From here: http://www.spp.org.ru/page.php?id=2
Tags: narcissism
Narcissistic rage - Psychologist Natalia Kholina's blog — LiveJournal
Moyson "Narcissistic Rage in Theory and Practice" (here is the full text of the report)
« Narcissistic rage occurs in many forms; however, they all have a specific psychological connotation that gives them a distinctive position in the vast field of human aggression.
The desire for vengeance, the rectification of evil, the destruction of resentment by any means, and the deep-rooted, relentless compulsion to pursue these goals that haunt those who have suffered from narcissistic trauma - these are the characteristics of narcissistic rage in all its forms that distinguish it from other types. aggression." (Kohut, 1978) …
According to Kohut, shame and anger are products of the disintegration of pride and self-affirmation in the presence of serious disturbances in the development of the self.
In response to actual or expected injury, the person either walks away in shame (flight) or goes into a rage (fight). Shame refers to the boundless exhibitionism of the grandiose self, while anger refers to the illusion of omnipotence. …
The most characteristic manifestation of narcissistic rage involves complete disregard for reasonable limits , while an angry person will demonstrate a restless, unbridled desire to fight crime and thus take revenge.
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According to Kohut, narcissistic rage arises as a result of “powerlessness ”…. Narcissistic rage can thus be interpreted as a primitive defense against the recognition of one's own limitations, against the realization that total control is impossible, and that I am an imperfect being in a world of other imperfect beings. nine0003
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Kernberg emphasized (Kernberg, 1970) that narcissistic problems should be seen as a violation of the self-image, accompanied by specific problems in object relations centered around envy. Envy is evident in the transference. Kernberg interprets the combination of envy and devaluation as a stubborn defense against feelings of dependency and the creative potential of therapy.
… Fear of addiction is a consequence of severe oral deprivation in the first years of life and leads to irresistible aggression, which may be due to the constitution or be the result of a depriving environment.
The narcissistic psyche deals with this aggression through primitive defense mechanisms, lack of integration, using dissociation and alternating ego states in perceiving self and others.
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The greatest resistance to this type of treatment can be found in those who are fixed on their archaic need for omnipotence and complete control. nine0003
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Narcissistic rage is due to traumatic wounds inflicted in early childhood. Kernberg and Melanie Klein viewed narcissistic (or oral) rage and envy as a consequence of the childhood fantasy that the mother aggressively withholds gratification.
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Pathological narcissism in early childhood is the result of chronically cold, unempathic parenting who deprives their children of the love and attention necessary for safe development. Disturbances in the mother-child relationship lead to the reunification of self and object images, causing identity diffusion and the formation of a grandiose (narcissistic) self.
This is how a generation gap arises (Berman, 1990).
Fixation occurs when the child is met with massive disapproval or neglect instead of the attention and support needed to develop stable, libidinal self-concepts that are integrated into the person's self-consciousness.
In Kernberg's view of the narcissistic family cycle, the parental figure (usually the mother or surrogate mother) appears to function well at first glance, but exhibits callousness, indifference, and malicious aggressiveness. A mother is often too invested in the life of her child, considering him an extension of herself and using him for her narcissistic needs. nine0003
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If previous generations dealt mainly with neurotic problems, ie. problems caused by repression of sexuality, aggression, strength and power, and lifelessness, we are now much more likely to face serious problems of identity diffusion, in which patients experience and split their social environment into black and white.
The feeling of emptiness, the inability to feel life, a deep sense of loneliness and separation anxiety are central themes . These unbearable feelings are often eliminated by self-destructive behavior towards oneself (self-harm, severe eating disorders, repeated suicide attempts) or by extremely aggressive behavior towards other people.
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The narcissistic rage that occurs on a large scale in the early stages of therapy (particularly in narcissists who function at a clearly borderline level) is different from the anger that emerges as part of the processing of narcissistic trauma in the later stages of therapy. nine0007 Hasty and overt manifestations of narcissistic rage pose a significant threat to therapy. Such rapid tantrums are characteristic of narcissistic borderline patients with antisocial traits or perversions with overtly sadistic elements, as well as adolescents with antisocial behavior.
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With neurotic patients, resentment, shame, humiliation and disappointment towards the therapist are temporary and less intense.
These reactions remain associated with the ability to assume an independent relationship with the psychotherapist, even in the most difficult times, for example, when separation and mourning reactions are revived in the transference. During such negative transference reactions, feelings of rage and anger do not lead to a complete devaluation of the therapist. Narcissists, however, are characterized by devaluation and contempt, often expressed as rationalized "disappointments." They do not grieve or fear separation on the weekends or during breaks in therapy (Kernberg, 1978).
... With neurotic individuals, infantile feelings of rage alternate with manifestations of love, gratitude and idealization brought by guilt, and this gives a completely different picture of transferences. With neurotics, aggressiveness is not unlimited.
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For the narcissistically vulnerable individual, the enemy that provokes archaic rage is perceived not as a separate individual, but as a destructive crack in the narcissistically perceived reality.
The enemy is the rebellious part of the extended self that he hopes to take complete control of. The fact that the other is independent, can think differently and have different values, makes him an enemy of .
Although we all react to trauma with anger and shame, people with this vulnerability show shame and rage most intensely, such people need absolute control over the archaic environment so that they can maintain their sense of self-worth.
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Bottom line: Narcissistic rage is mainly characterized by an almost insatiable vengeance driven by feelings of powerlessness and defense against dependence on other people. nine0007 Deprivation in early childhood leads to the stubborn maintenance of a grandiose self that colors the quality of a person's relationship to other people.
Narcissistic rage differs from borderline and neurotic rage in intensity and quality.
Specific mirror and idealizing transferences in narcissistically vulnerable individuals create dangers for the therapist's countertransference.
