Narcissistic parents checklist
Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist -
The flamboyance of overt narcissists can make them pretty easy to identify, but what about the covert narcissist in your life?
Recognizing covert personality traits requires looking beyond obvious appearances, past common assumptions and expectations. For this reason, covert narcissism is more difficult to spot, and it can take years to recognize it in someone you think you know well. But the good news is that once you become aware of the patterns and signs of the covert narcissist, you aren’t likely to miss them again.
Covert Narcissism Checklist
The more covert form of pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is not expressed the same way in every individual, but there are typical patterns that are very common. If you see many or most of these attitudes and behaviors in a person you know, you’re probably dealing with someone who suffers—and makes others suffer—with covert narcissism.
- Is passive-aggressive
- Criticizes and judges from the sidelines
- Is pious and superior
- Is threatened by honesty and directness
- Swings between idealizing and devaluing him-/herself and others
- Denies and dismisses others’ feelings
- Cultivates a public image sharply different from his/her private behavior
- Identifies as a victim
- Is cynical, sarcastic, and haughty
- Makes unreasonable demands
- Turns your problems into his/her dramas
- Belittles and blames
- Exploits and/or attacks others’ vulnerability
- Is reactive to questioning or criticism
- Plays on sympathies
- Fakes or exaggerates illness/injury for attention
- Withholds and stonewalls
- Gaslights
- Avoids introspection and lacks self-awareness
- Uses platitudes in place of genuine insight
- Denies own anger
- Focuses on unfairness
- Is envious and vengeful
- Prefers to remain behind the scenes
- Gossips
- Triangulates
- Holds a grudge
- Needs reassurance
- Is inattentive or annoyed when others talk
- Has double standards
- Hates to lose
- Fixates on others’ problems and misfortunes
- Flatters and fawns to win favor
- Displays rage and contempt in private
- Resists decision-making
- Does not sincerely apologize
- Avoids direct responsibility
- Has an exaggerated sense of entitlement
- Is impressed by the overt narcissist’s appearance of confidence
- Lacks emotional empathy
- Focuses on appearance over substance
- Rushes to (false) intimacy
- Is anxious and hypervigilant
- Displays false humility and humble brags
- Crosses normative boundaries and codes of conduct
- Pokes, prods, and pries
- Feels special through association
- Feels above the rules
- Uses guilt and shame to control and punish
- Expects care-taking
- Conducts smear campaigns
- Is prone to paranoia and conspiracy theories
The Overt Versus the Covert Narcissist
Like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist fails to develop emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity and self-esteem in childhood.
Both feel defective and cope with underlying insecurity and shame by repressing those feelings and adopting a grandiose persona, a delusion of superiority and entitlement that they constantly assert at the expense of those around them.
Although covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and prefer passive aggressive means of controlling others, this is not necessarily because they are introverted as is often stated. Rather, they lack the brash confidence of overt narcissists and fear being exposed and humiliated if they draw public attention to themselves. Often this is because they have been conditioned not to compete with a domineering overt narcissist parent.
Recognizing the covert narcissist in your life is the first step to overcoming your self-defeating cycles of confusion, guilt, anger, self-blame, and emotional and physical trauma.
Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
- Your Narcissistic Mother Hates Your Body and Here’s Why
- 5 Things Children of Narcissists Wish Everyone Would Stop Saying
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Maddening and Bizarre Things About Narcissists Explained
- 6 Core Insights from a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- Are You Being Bullied by Narcissistic Monologuing?
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
Photo courtesy of Jett Brooks, Creative Commons.
33 Revealing Signs You Have a Narcissistic Parent: The Ultimate List
If you’re a child of a narcissistic parent, it may be challenging for you to see the signs. First, you have no frame of reference for what a “normal” parent is. Second, narcissistic upbringing conditions you to find faults in yourself, not your difficult parent (who’s more likely to be the source of the problem).
But even though you may not recognize specific signs of narcissistic abuse, you probably have a vague sense that something is wrong.
You may have anxiety around your parent or wonder why nothing you do is ever good enough. You may also feel like you can’t be yourself around your parent and that you have to work for their love.
These are just a few common “red flags” that might point you in the right direction.
So without further ado, let’s dive into the detailed list of the signs you have a narcissistic parent.
33 Signs You Have a Narcissistic Parent
1.
Neglects your emotional needsSome of our most essential emotional needs are unconditional love, acceptance, support, praise, and a sense of belonging. When these needs are satisfied, a child grows up with healthy self-esteem and a sense of self-worth.
When these needs are not met, low self-esteem and issues of self-worth are often the results.
Narcissistic parents are so exclusively focused on their own needs that they often neglect the emotional needs of their children.
2. Never admits fault or apologizes
No parent is perfect, and most parents are aware of that. That’s why taking ownership of one’s mistakes and shortcomings is usually a part of a healthy parent-child dynamic.
But with narcissistic parents, the assumption is that they’re perfect and that they’re never at fault. So it’s always the child’s fault if there is an issue.
And even if they are undeniably at fault, the child can’t bring it up because of the enormous debt of gratitude they should be burdened with for everything the parent has done for them.
3. Demands total obedience
A narcissistic parent has an extremely self-serving, rigid worldview, one that supports the weight of their inflated ego. Their beliefs and attitudes are often irrational and contradictory. But don’t you dare question them!
Children of the narcissist are expected to show total admiration and obedience. Their role is to serve as the reflections of the parent’s idealized self.
For example, if the parent’s idealized self is “the perfect mother,” she will expect constant praise and appreciation from her children.
A child who affirms the parent’s grandiose self-image becomes the “golden child.” A child who fails to reflect it back to her is cast in the role of the family “scapegoat“.
4. Unfavorably compares you to others
Unfavorable or negative comparisons are deeply wounding to a child’s self-esteem. It can rob the child of a sense of self-worth, pride, and uniqueness. Oblivious to the damage, narcissistic parents often engage in negative comparisons.
They may feel that comparing their children to other, “better” children will motivate their offspring to reach higher and fulfill the parent’s grandiose hopes.
But in fact, it does the opposite.
5. Puts their needs and feelings first
Most parents know that parenthood implies the sacrifice of one’s needs to a certain degree.
But because narcissistic parents are empathy-deficient, they are incapable of prioritizing anyone else’s needs but their own.
So their children are expected to take care of themselves from a young age.
6. Constantly manipulates you to get their way
A narcissistic parent maintains control with constant and blatant manipulation tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, the blame game, playing the victim, etc.
It’s an insidious form of mind control that amounts to psychological abuse.
7. Gives you cold shoulder whenever you show independence
Loving parents give their children a degree of autonomy and free will to make their own decisions and choices.
The older the child, the more freedom they are afforded.
But to a narcissistic parent, a child’s independence is a slap in the face.
They don’t want you to be independent because it threatens the parent and makes them feel like they’re losing their grip on you.
So to maintain control, they’ll manufacture ways to keep you dependent on them. They’ll even sabotage you, all to keep you under their thumb.
8. Is verbally abusive
If your parent says hurtful and derogatory things when they’re mad at you, that’s verbal abuse.
A narcissistic parent is often a verbally abusive parent because they know just what to say to cut you the deepest.
For example, if you’re sensitive about your weight, a narcissistic parent might habitually call you “fatty” or “Ms. Piggy” and then claim that they were joking.
9. Is obsessed with their public image
Like any narcissist, a narcissistic parent is all about appearances. It’s important for them that people have a good opinion of them.
So a lot of what they do (particularly charitable things) have a hidden motive of gaining public admiration.
The ugly truth is, they wear a benevolent mask in public but are often mean in private. Only the people closest to them (or those they feel they can control) are privy to their real self.
10. Is hypersensitive to any criticism
They may appear confident and self-assured, but on the inside, a narcissist feels worthless and on the verge of collapse.
That’s why a narcissistic parent is so sensitive to any negative feedback or even the slightest display of defiance.
Granted, everyone is averse to criticism to some degree. But narcissistic parents believe themselves to be perfect. So criticism can throw them off balance and even trigger narcissistic injury.
11. Tries to make you feel guilty for the things they do for you
If you have a narcissistic parent, nothing they do is selfless or free. There’s always a “price” attached to it. You may not be aware of it at the time.
But rest assured, you’ll be given the “bill” later.
Whether it’s your time, money, favors, or sacrificing who you are, a narcissistic parent will come to collect. And if you’re not playing ball, they’ll use guilt to make you comply.
12. Fabricates ailments to be the center of attention
A narcissistic parent will fake being seriously ill or fabricate a “health scare” to get attention, support, or sympathy.
This is more typical of narcissistic mothers or grandmothers, but fathers can also pretend to be ill or exaggerate their illness.
Unlike hypochondriacs, narcissistic parents know they are not sick. They are deliberately deceiving others to exert power and evade accountability for their actions.
For example, after you set a boundary with your manipulative mother, she comes down with a mysterious ailment. She may even imply that you caused it. You are then forced to abandon the boundary, apologize, or drop everything to come to her rescue.
And voila! The narcissistic parent regained control.
13. Has unrealistic expectations of you
This is typical narcissistic behavior: setting impossible standards, then acting disappointed when the child is unable to meet them.
Keep in mind that there is a difference between high expectations and unrealistic expectations.
High expectations instill confidence in children and let them know that the parent believes in them. Unrealistic expectations, on the other hand, set the stage for failure and, ultimately, the loss of self-esteem.
Setting unrealistic expectations is one of the many ways narcissistic parents sabotage their children’s futures.
14. Is loving one minute, only to turn vicious the next
Narcissistic parents are chameleons. Sometimes they will confuse you by acting with love and care toward you. They may praise you and even state that they’re proud of you.
That’s what’s so painful and frustrating about being a child of a narcissistic parent. Sometimes they will give you a glimpse of the love and validation you so desperately need from them.
Only to take it away the next moment.
15. Hypercritical of everything you do
Narcissists have a way of putting you down in order to feel better about themselves. That includes their children.
Good parents delight in their child’s talents or accomplishments. A narcissistic parent feels jealous and threatened by them. So they chip away at your self-esteem with constant criticism, letting you know that you’re not good enough.
As Terry Apter writes, “Since a narcissistic parent is likely to feel empty herself, she may try to make others feel even more inadequate.”
16. Punishes you with silent treatment
Make no mistake about it — silent treatment is a form of punishment and one of the worst types of emotional abuse. That’s why they call it a “mental murder.” A narcissistic parent “kills” you in their mind, communicating that nothing you say or do matters and that you don’t exist anymore.
To a child, this is incredibly painful. And despite that or because of that, this is the narcissistic parent’s favorite instrument of control.
It can go on for days, weeks, months, even years! Until you learn your lesson, apologize, or make amends.
17. Has to control every aspect of your life
Many of history’s most infamous leaders ruled with an iron fist and used fear to control the population. Unfortunately, narcissistic parents act in a similar way.
If your parent is a narcissist, he or she might
- threaten to cut you off or disown you if you don’t do everything according to their will
- have temper tantrums so you feel like you have to walk on eggshells
- publically shame you for making a simple mistake
- micromanage everything you do, however small
- go to great lengths to punish you if they feel slighted by you
- have had unreasonably strict rules when you were growing up
- spy on you to try to catch you doing something wrong
18. Is jealous of you and threatened by your success
Narcissistic parents defy logic because they demand two different, conflicting things from their children.
On the one hand, narcissistic parent wants their children to “shine.” So they have to be brilliant, talented, exceptionally beautiful, etc. to reassure the parent of their own exceptionalism and superiority.
On the other hand, the child can’t shine too brightly, so as not to “outshine” the parent.
As a result, children of narcissistic parents have to walk a thin line between excellence and self-deprecation.
19. Constantly turns the conversation back to them
Narcissists don’t listen; they wait for their turn to speak.
Even when they do listen, they listen with no empathy. So their habitual response is to turn the conversation back to themselves. There is a term for that — “conversational narcissist.”
If you are a child of a narcissistic parent, you may be very familiar with this behavior. Your whole life you probably felt like you can’t turn to your parent for support because they make everything about them.
20. Tries to live out their dreams through you
It’s normal for parents to want their children to have what they didn’t have: a college degree, a house, a happy family… But most of all, they just want them to be happy.
A narcissistic parent couldn’t care less about how you feel. They just want to live vicariously through you because of their own unrealized or failed ambitions. And they’re willing to sacrifice your happiness to satisfy their own unfulfilled desires.
Remember the movie “Dead Poets Society”? Neil was a talented actor but his narcissistic father insisted that he drops acting and goes to medical school, all because it was the father’s dream to become a doctor but he didn’t have such an opportunity growing up.
21. Minimizes or ignores your accomplishments
Instead of rejoicing in the child’s achievement, a narcissistic parent tries to find the negatives in it, make fun of it, or minimize it.
They may say things like: “Oh it’s not that big of a deal. Stop showing off, it’s unattractive.” Or: “You’re getting a big head.” They may even come down with a headache or some other sudden affliction to put the spotlight back on them.
The narcissistic parent thinks they’re being a good parent by keeping their child humble.
But the deeper reason for that is that narcissistic parents feel jealous of their children, so they try to bring them down a notch.
22. Displays a total lack of empathy
Lack of empathy is one of the most prominent signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
If your parent
- lacks the ability to understand or sense your perspective, feelings, and needs
- tends to blame or judge you harshly
- dismisses your pain or calls you “too sensitive”
- responds with indifference when you express sadness or distress
- has no awareness of how their behavior can be hurtful
there is a good chance they have narcissism in some form.
23. Monopolizes your time
They say that time is our most precious resource. And yet we tend to give so much of it away to negative thoughts, destructive emotions, and toxic people.
It’s particularly true if you have a narcissistic parent who feels entitled to your time and attention.
They may call you on the phone and drone on and on about their day with no regard for your plans or schedule.
Or they may barge in uninvited and unannounced and stay well past their welcome.
The common thing you may expect from these visits and phone calls is that they’ll use you as a “dump” for all their emotional garbage.
24. Only cares about how you make them look
Most people have children with an intention of loving them with all their hearts.
But to some, parenthood is just another way to boost their damaged egos.
A narcissistic mother or father sees their child not as an individual but as an extension of themselves. Their whole purpose for existence is to make the parent look good.
If the child fails to do that, the narcissistic parent perceives it as a betrayal and reacts with sharp criticism, disappointment, and rejection.
25. Has difficult relationships with people in their life
Narcissists are known for their desire for control and lack of empathy. Not surprisingly, these qualities make them lousy at relationships, be it an intimate relationship, a friendship, or a parent-child bond.
So a narcissistic parent will probably have constant tension and conflict in relationships, which they will attribute to other people’s faults.
The connections with their children are also usually high-conflict unless it’s the “golden child” who mirrors the narcissist’s idealized self.
But even the “golden child” has an uneasy relationship with their narcissistic parent because of guilt, a sense of isolation, and emotional incest they experienced as a child.
26. Disregards your wishes and undermines you
A narcissistic parent is notorious for disregarding your wishes and needs.
Ironically, this is probably what they experienced in childhood, too. A child whose emotional needs are not met will learn manipulative or deceitful ways to cope.
27. Takes everything personally
Most narcissists are insufferable egotists with delusions of grandeur. But there’s also a painfully vulnerable side to them. When it comes down to it, narcissists have extremely thin skin.
As previously mentioned, a narcissistic parent is hypersensitive to criticism. But even when no criticism occurred, they still manage to get offended.
Forgot to call your parent? Clearly, that means you don’t want to talk to them.
Unable to make it to a family dinner? Obviously, you don’t care about your family so maybe don’t bother coming over anymore.
Spending the holidays with the in-laws? I guess your own family isn’t good enough.
28. Lacks boundaries
Narcissistic parents typically have enmeshed boundaries with their children.
They don’t see their children as separate, autonomous individuals with their own feelings, thoughts, desires, and an ability to make their own choices.
Instead, the parent believes that they have the right to dictate how their children should live their lives.
So the lines between the narcissistic parent and the child are blurred, creating an enmeshed, codependent relationship.
29. Plays favorites
A narcissistic parent will often pick one “golden child” as the embodiment of their perfect self and the “scapegoat,” which personifies all the rejected, negative aspects of their fragile self.
In this difficult family dynamic, siblings are pinned against one another to vie for the parent’s love and approval.
This is one of the oldest tricks in the narcissistic parent handbook.
Oftentimes, the choice of which sibling the parent bestows her or his love upon is completely arbitrary, and it can change over time.
That’s because to a narcissistic parent, children aren’t real people. They are extreme projections of the parent’s own best and worst qualities.
30. Has temper tantrums
Narcissists are like children. When they don’t get their way, they throw a tantrum.
So one of the most triggering things for them is boundaries.
Your parent will be enraged when they can’t knock down the walls you have erected around yourself, and they will react like a 3-year old. The tantrums will come in many different forms ranging from the silent treatment to picking arguments.
With this behavior, the narcissistic parent aims to get a reaction from you.
If they’re successful in pushing your “hot buttons,” they feel like they’ve won.
31. Is parasitic
Although the narcissistic parent is convinced that they are the “giver” in the relationship with their child (and they often play the “I’ve sacrificed so much for you” card), the opposite is true.
The parent is the parasite that’s feeding off the child — emotionally and in some cases, financially.
They consume their child’s time, energy, resources, and their very sense of self, it seems, leaving them drained and lifeless.
32. Has “flying monkeys”
Narcissistic parents are good at manipulating people’s perception of them.
So not everyone will see your parent for who they really are. Some will be their defenders, advocates, or “flying monkeys.”
“Flying monkeys” is the term that describes people who willingly (or unwillingly) do what the narcissist wants them to do, like the winged monkeys of the Wicked Witch of the West.
For example, if you chose to go low or no contact with your narcissistic mother, some well-meaning family members might try to influence you on her behalf.
They’ll think they’re acting on their own, but in fact, they’ve been duped and manipulated to do her bidding.
33. Is totally oblivious to the pain they cause
Narcissists are masters of denial. Even when there is indisputable evidence of the harm and pain inflicted, they will still maintain their innocence and refuse to accept any accountability.
Although narcissism is a spectrum and it can be argued that some degree of self-awareness exists, the nature of the disorder dictates that the parent cannot or will not recognize the error of their ways.
That’s the reason why so many adult children of narcissists find it so difficult to forgive their parent.
33 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent: Summary
We’ve covered in detail the signs of a parent with narcissistic traits.
Here’s the summary for quick reference. He or she
- neglects your emotional needs
- never admits fault, apologizes, or accepts a different point of view
- demands total admiration and obedience from their children
- unfavorably compares you to other people
- puts their needs and feelings first
- constantly tries to manipulate you to get their way
- gives you cold shoulder whenever you show independence
- says hurtful and derogatory things when they’re mad at you
- obsessed with their public image
- is hypersensitive to any criticism or the slightest display of defiance
- tries to make you feel guilty for all the things they do for you
- fabricates ailments to be the center of attention
- has unrealistic expectations of you
- is loving one minute, only to turn vicious the next
- hypercritical of everything you do
- is jealous of you and threatened by your success
- punishes you with the silent treatment to teach you a lesson
- minimizes or ignores your accomplishments
- has to control every aspect of your life
- constantly turns the conversation back to them
- displays a total lack of empathy
- tries to live out their dreams through you
- monopolizes your time and lacks boundaries
- only cares about how you make them look
- has difficult relationships with most people in their life
- disregards your wishes and undermines you
- takes everything personally
- lacks boundaries
- plays favorites
- has temper tantrums
- is parasitic
- has “flying monkeys”
- is totally oblivious to the pain they cause.
Coming to Terms With Having a Narcissistic Parent
The parent-child bond is sacred.
But in some families, it becomes just another facet of parental narcissism.
If you grew up in a family like that, reading this article may be triggering for you.
It is not easy to come to terms with the fact that you might have a narcissistic parent. Doing so might induce a lot of uncomfortable feelings and confusion – it’s your parent, after all!
You may even feel guilty for exploring the idea that there might be something wrong with your parent. Chances are, you were raised to believe that you owe everything to them. So asserting your needs or questioning their behavior can feel like you’re betraying them on some level.
You’re not.
Everyone comes to a point in their lives when they confront their childhood traumas, sort out the past, and try to forge their own way forward.
There’s nothing sinister about that.
Another feeling you may be dealing with is anger.
You may feel like your parent ruined your life or at least robbed you of a happy, normal childhood.
It’s OK to feel angry. Some people get so angry, they choose to permanently sever ties with their narcissistic parent. Others confront their parent in hopes of finding some sort of validation of their experiences, only to be dismissed and gaslighted.
There are no wrong feelings. It’s all valid and understandable.
As you go through this process of coming to terms with having a narcissistic parent, here are a few things to keep in mind.
Self-Care Tips For Children of Narcissistic Parents
Here are some coping strategies you can adopt in order to deal with the emotional fallout of having a narcissistic parent.
- Whatever feelings come up, feel them. Don’t push them back down because they’re unpleasant. Explore them with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse or a trustworthy friend.
- Practice journaling to process what you’re going through.
There is something incredibly cathartic about putting your thoughts and feelings on paper. So if you can, use a real journal, not type on the computer. - Practice affirmations to re-write your narcissistic parent’s programming. Affirmations are so helpful when you’re dealing with negative programming based on narcissistic parent’s lies.
- Surround yourself with people who love and support you. This may be a turbulent process no matter how you approach it. But having the social support can make a big difference.
- Cultivate self-compassion. As a child of a narcissistic parent, you may have a highly critical inner voice. That’s because you’ve internalized your parent’s voice. So try to be aware of that inner voice and challenge it. Show yourself the compassion you so deserve.
Coming to terms with having a narcissistic parent is a complex situation. The average person won’t experience this in their lifetime.
So be intentional about taking care of yourself and choosing what’s best for you moving forward.
References
Apter, T. (2012). Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power. W.W. Norton & Company.
Drake, K. (2021). Is It Possible to Lack Empathy? Retrieved from PsychCentral.
O’Reilley, C. A. & Boerr, B. (2020). Conceit and deceit: Lying, cheating, and stealing among grandiose narcissists. Personality and Individual Differences 154. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109627
NEXT
Moving Away From Family: How to Handle the Guilt Trips
Coping With a Narcissistic Mother: 9 Tips to Heal the Damage
Family Estrangement: How to Move on From Cutting Toxic Family Ties
WILLIAM CRILL Jr. HOW A PARENT'S NARCISSIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AFFECTS A CHILD: vm_pas - LiveJournal
Last updated Jan 18, 2018
Checklist for identifying a parent with narcissistic personality disorder ( NPD):
1.
0006 Children of NPD parents blame themselves. Instead of blaming the parents, a loving child can take responsibility for the negativity and sacrifice their self-esteem. Children begin to believe that it is their own fault that their parents do not love them, or they hope that by changing themselves they can earn their parents' love.
2. They seem invisible. These children may not have an idea about themselves (their true "I"), about what they want or need. The grandiosity of the parents overshadowed the child so much that as a result a person appeared who had no idea who he really was as a person.
3. They become so accustomed to narcissism that they can either choose narcissistic relationships or avoid relationships entirely. Neglect, abuse, anger, lack of empathy, and emotional play can be so overwhelming that they can cause a child to grow up expecting such treatment in all human relationships, develop insecure attachments or distrust of other people, and completely withdraw from emotional intimacy with other people.
4. Narcissism breeds codependency, low self-esteem, guilt, or more narcissism. These children often adapt, either by erasing themselves (denying their own selves), sacrificing their own needs, developing PTSD, or joining the "winning" side and becoming narcissists.
Parenting with children of a parent with NPD
Young children of a mother or father with narcissistic personality disorder are the real victims of their parent and his disorder - just like any child who lives with a dependent parent (alcoholic, drug addict) or guilty of physical or sexual abuse. Narcissistic parents abuse children in a very subtle and sophisticated way: they inflict severe emotional and mental abuse, although no one outside the family will ever suspect anything wrong. These child victims quite often go unnoticed, receive no treatment, and receive no help from adults other than their next of kin. This is due to the nature of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
The main behavioral feature of parents with NPD is the almost complete lack of care for their child.
Outwardly, in public, a parent with NPD is often not seen as an abusive person. Inside the family, the child has no doubt that something is very, very wrong. In some cases, this parent starts to "warm up" and make mistakes that draw negative attention to him and shed light on his NPD, but in most cases, the abuse continues for years.
M
You can think of NPD as a kind of "spectrum" with varying degrees of chaotic and inconsistent behavior. While some adults with NPD express their frustration rather mildly (for example, a mom or dad forces their child to play a sport they don't want to play for a beauty contest), others are experts at covering up abuse and can manipulate other people at will. (including teachers, officials, police, lawyers and even judges).
Because of their disorder, parents with NPD pay little or no attention to their child's personality, ambitions, or emotions. This parent just thinks about himself all the time. This is a very difficult concept for most normal people to understand ; it is difficult to find a parent who does not care for their child, and it is also difficult to understand how this child can improve the mental state of his parent, or how a child can be a source of "narcissistic energy".
People with NPD are constantly seeking out and getting to know people, using their charm, false interest, and lavish gifts to get people into a relationship with them. If a person with NPD has a child, then he is the supplier of food (energy) for his ego. A person with NPD it is absolutely necessary to see the reaction of others in order to convince yourself of your own identity . And they don't really care about the consequences of an act until they get a reaction from those around them. In this way, the NPD parent quickly goes from the most charming, loving, and helpful parent on the planet to the most angry, insensitive, and abusive parent imaginable (think of the movie Mommy Dearest ).
Young children of parents with narcissistic personality disorder are the true victims of their parent and their disorder, just as much as any child who lives with a dependent parent, or a parent who physically or sexually abuses the child.
Abuse of a child by a parent with NPD
People complain about spoiled children, but in reality children have very little power over their parents.
This is even more true in the case of a child with an NPD parent, as that child is well aware of the unpredictability, implied threats, and intense rage that such a parent exhibits. The child learns early to "crouch and cover" by constantly appeasing the childhood whims (which are constantly changing) of the parent with NPD. The child is frightened that if he tells anyone outside the family about his very ill parent, no one will listen to him or believe him, because the NPD parent is a master of "false face" (hypocrisy) in public. Secondly, the child is afraid that his complaint will come back to the parent with NPD and he will take revenge on the child.
Narcissistic mothers and fathers cause intense fear in the child in several ways.
· First, they may tell the child that they have “eyes and ears everywhere” and the child cannot hide anything from them. One father of three little girls gave them necklaces that he told them they should wear all the time because he has a special ability and can see everything the kids are doing through the necklaces.
They were afraid not to take them off and were afraid to take them off.
· Another way NPD parents foment fear is by implicit or direct threats to the child that the parent will leave them or that the parent will not be able to live if the child does not obey the will of the parents. The child naturally loves his parents and wants to please them; NPD parents can never be satisfied, and a child is never good enough for them.
Some NPD parents make it clear to the child "between the lines" (indirect hints) that if the child is ever disloyal to the parent, serious and dangerous things will happen, up to and including harm to their other non-NPD parent or the child himself.
Victim children of parents with NPD live only to please and delight their parents; The parent needs the child to always adore them and agree with them, which the child is very good at doing in the presence of the parent. Away from their parents, these children are often depressed, anxious, and gloomy, as if they had simply ceased to be normal children.
Although some school counselors or coaches may notice that a child is having difficulty, they may never suspect that it is due to NPD parent abuse, especially if they know the child's parent. If a child tells an adult about his parent, he will suspect that the child has a congenital emotional or mental health problem; which plays into the hands of the NPD parent when the school counselor calls him for a meeting. The child then falls into a terrible trap: the child is diagnosed with a mental health problem.
Parents with a personality disorder can sometimes make mistakes in showing their true character. This can happen when a parent who wants what they want creates an awkward public scene with the child present. In fact, they sometimes use their children as leverage in social situations to get others to back down or give them what they want. Witnesses to such public anger are only required to save the child from the intense embarrassment that their parents are willing to put through.
The child learns that he must put aside what is important to him or what he would like to do, because only what the NPD parent wants matters. Parents always put their own wants and needs ahead of the interests of the child, often masking this fact with the altruistic claim that the parent is simply doing what is best for the child. The child has no real choice not to succumb to the parent's plan for them, even if the child has no desire or any real talent for the activity the parent forces him to do. Emotional blackmail is a given. On the other hand, some parents with NPD simply ignore any accomplishment the child makes on their own and may even belittle the child's accomplishments in private, taking credit for the child's accomplishments in public if the accomplishment elevates the NPD parent's reputation as Parent of the Year.
Within the family, NPD parents will present the child as either overly controlling, completely insensitive and evil, or overly kind, generous and understanding.
These ideas of theirs can quickly alternate, constantly leaving the child emotionally unbalanced, anxious from a misunderstanding of what is happening with the parent. Essentially a form of mind control and torture well known to survivors of POW camps . Thus, the child is faced with a very narrow choice of how to respond: he may choose total submission (and thus lose his identity), wait patiently until he is eighteen years old, and then move as far away from the parent as possible and try to find a cure or, through constant exposure and training, become a narcissistic adult himself. A parent may treat the last child like a little prince or princess at the expense of any other siblings who have chosen a different coping path.
Narcissistic injury refers to any threat (real or imagined) the narcissist perceives to his grandiose false self at any given moment. With every narcissistic injury that the narcissist's fragile ego experiences, he will exhibit a reflexive drive to violent rage.
- Christine Louis de Canonville
Growing and adult children of narcissistic parents
The normal development of children dictates that they begin to individuate and differentiate as they grow, which means that they blossom into their unique being. This normal progress picks up speed with age. The NPD parent begins to feel uncomfortable when the child begins to assert his or her individuality or independence; the parent perceives this as betrayal, disloyalty, or disobedience. Children often become aware of their parents' illness quite early in elementary school, when they have the opportunity to compare other children's parents with their own. As the child grows older, the stress in the family system can rise to unbearable levels .
Some NPD parents may earn a reputation in society as at least difficult people, and at worst they are considered unpredictable and dangerous. NPDs can get "horny" and pose a real danger because they view their children (and spouse) as property that they have the right to dispose of if they want.
Many cases of domestic violence and homicide can be attributed to a person with NPD.
The truth is that narcissistic parents don't understand children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children, so they have automatic, internal relationships in which they have power, relationships in which the narcissist can write his own rules without any checks and balances.
- Seth Meyers, PhD
NPD Parent Campaign
Even if the non-NPD parent can get the upper hand and find help to get out of these autological relationships, the courts often uphold standard custody agreements. The child, fearful of a narcissistic parent, may not talk about the family situation with counselors, lawyers, or judges. The parent with a personality disorder proves time and time again that he will not be discovered for who he really is and that he will not be blamed or held accountable. The child does not believe that these adults in court can help.
In fact, the narcissistic parent often "plays" with the legal system so well that lawyers and judges fall into the trap of believing that the non-personality parent is dramatizing the situation because of the emotions associated with the divorce situation. Indeed, stories by non-IDP parents about an ex-spouse with NPD often sound so "unusual" that the judge finds it hard to believe. The child believes that there is no one in the world who can help him in protecting him from a narcissistic parent, so he will support him in public.
Clinical counselors (psychologists and psychiatrists) are always very hesitant - if not completely avoiding the question of how to treat children involved in custody cases when one of the parents is believed to have NPD. Most clinicians very rarely publicly identify a person as suffering from a personality disorder, lest the narcissist turn all their anger on the counselor (i.e., drag him to court to testify or, more commonly, harass him about his work, competence, and etc.
). Again, the narcissistic parent doesn't really care about the child or what the child needs in terms of therapeutic support, only how the narcissistic parent can use a counselor against the other parent and make themselves look better in court.
Judicial intervention
Ultimately, true interference in a child's life can only come from the court system , because that is the only institution that the narcissist respects and fears . Again, the problem is that judges often overlook the fact that one of the parents they are dealing with has this personality disorder. In addition, it is often very difficult to demonstrate emotional and mental abuse to a court because the nature of the NPD parent-child relationship prohibits the child from speaking honestly with the judge, and the opinion of the other parent is most often considered biased. Because few, if any, counselors are willing to testify about abuse and take the path of dealing with the narcissist, the court is left to recognize these difficult things for itself.
By recognizing the many signature behavioral patterns that NPD parents inevitably leave behind, child custody courts can begin to identify and then take important action for children of parents with NPD.
If a court were to order a child's contact with an NPD parent, it could give the child enough time to begin the recovery process and build up the courage to undergo psychotherapeutic treatment in a way that can actually benefit him. In addition, the court will need to provide more protection for the counselor from being called to court and testifying (which effectively destroys the therapeutic relationship with the child in the future) so that they can do their job and help the child recover and develop coping skills, mechanisms for more effective interactions with their NPD parent.
How narcissistic personality disorder will affect divorce and custody
In a nutshell: expect a fight . Because in order to support and feed their grandiose and inflated ego, the narcissist will engage in a divorce and custody battle, intending to win at all costs.
A rough, dirty, bloody battle will be unpleasant for everyone, but especially for the child, who will be manipulated and used as a pawn to win and cause maximum emotional damage to the target parent .
The target parent can be helped by meticulous journaling documenting the child's visits, or a folder full of emails and screenshots of text messages. Find a lawyer who has experience with personality disorders and knows what to expect.
The contents of this article are accurate and truthful to the best of the author's knowledge and are not intended to replace the formal and individual advice of a qualified professional.
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Tags: William Krill, narcissistic personality disorder, alienating behavior, consequences for the child
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Recommended for parents and adult children who want to understand the origins of their own problems
More than 50 exercises that will make you feel confident in any situation
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