Signs of emotional neediness
Am I Emotionally Needy? What Does "Needy" Even Mean? — Dr. Kristin Davin, Psy.D
We are hardwired to need people. It’s healthy to need others, to rely on them, especially during a difficult or challenging time in your life. You might find sometimes you need more emotional support than usual. It’s common. We all long to be understood, supported, loved, and accepted in a relationship. And it's ok to feel this way.
There is an important balance between recognizing it’s natural to need people and being too needy. If you find yourself feeling too emotionally needy and dependent on your partner, this can be unhealthy. We can also begin to feel too codependent on our partner.
How A Person Becomes Emotionally NeedyThere are several reasons why someone might become emotionally needy:
Attachment Style. Most people who are emotionally needy have an insecure (often anxious) attachment style. We used to think that our attachment style was predominantly due to our upbringing. Depending on how you were cared for as a baby determines your attachment style. However, we now know that that’s only a piece of the puzzle.
Your attachment style does not come from just one source, but other factors including life experiences, genetics, and relationship choices.
History of emotional trauma. This can be due to experiencing neglect, divorce, or childhood trauma. If a person has unresolved trauma, they are still seeking approval, love, and affection in their relationships but to an extreme degree.
Low self-esteem. A person who has low self-esteem will not feel good about themselves and so they become needy or clingy in their relationship possibly out of fear of losing that person.
What does being emotionally needy mean?When we are too demanding, clingy, annoying, and fragile, we often come across as being emotionally needy.
You tend to want to be very close to your partner and have the need for great intimacy.
You have a fear that your partner doesn't want to be as close as you want to be. And because of this fear, you find yourself being very sensitive to any change or fluctuations in his or her behaviors or mood.
Much of your energy is spent managing your emotions around the relationship. Spending your energy this way is risky because it minimizes or denies your own needs. You look to others or your current partner to fill your emotional gaps and emptiness in a way that can become manipulative.
Your relationship can become unhealthy. You might find yourself feeling a bit out of control and asking yourself “am I too needy? Or is my partner emotionally unavailable?”
Signs that you are too needyThere are several signs of unhealthy neediness within relationships. Do any of these resonate with you?
You worry about your partner's love and look for ways they don’t love you.
You need constant reassurance and will disagree if they do offer it because you are not sure if it’s genuine.
You are often emotionally overwhelmed and ‘need’ your partner to feel secure.
You are insecure and overly sensitive to slight differences in your partner.
You had a parent who was inconsistently nurturing.
You often move quickly and lose yourself in relationships.
You struggle with jealousy in relationships.
You constantly ask yourself “why am I so needy?” “Am I too clingy?” or “Does my partner not care about me?”
You can be obsessive with checking on your partner on social media
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, click here to learn how you can become less needy and a stronger individual.
If you are displaying any of these signs and want to work on your level of emotional neediness, I offer a free 20-minute consultation. Just click the button below!
How Your Partner FeelsYour partner will begin to feel emotionally tapped out and overwhelmed by your neediness.
They may feel worn out and have expressed this to you. And yet, if you are an anxious person in your relationship, you do the very thing that is unhealthy - you become needy, which creates more resentment in your partner. They might begin to feel exhausted by the relationship and by you.
In your mind, you might be screaming, 'stop doing this', 'don't be so needy', and 'don't keep asking them the same questions'. But you cannot. You are drawn to these unhealthy behaviors like a moth to a flame. Your behaviors are very counterproductive, yet in the moment, it sounds like a good idea and feels so comforting - for you.
Ask yourself these questions:Do you look at your romantic partner to make you happy?
Do you look to your partner to fulfill all your needs in love, sex, and support?
Do you look to your partner for constant reassurance and validation?
Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself - always looking outside 'self' for reassurance? And even if you get it, do you depend on it all the time?
Do you feel abandoned if your partner is not available? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you?
Do you get upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way or doesn’t meet a need?
If you are alone, do you do things to fill the void with other distractions? Or when alone, do you go over past conversations or worry that they might leave? Is it difficult to be alone?
Is your relationship the center of your universe? What about your relationship with other friends, family, or your kids? Does it bother you if you are not included in your partner's plans?
Do you get jealous of things that they are doing without you?
I know you don’t want to live your life this way. And you don’t have to.
If you are able to recognize yourself in these difficult questions and can admit that you need to make a change, not just for yourself but for the sake of your partner and relationship, that is the first and hardest step. But becoming a healthier person is necessary so you can stand and be on your own without solely depending on another person in unhealthy ways.
If you feel like you are too needy, there are things you can do to become more independent and less emotionally demanding in my blog, “10 Ways to Become Less Emotionally Needy in Relationships, or book a FREE 20-minute consultation by clicking the button below.
Photo by: @ericjamesward
10 Signs You're Dealing With An Emotionally Needy Narcissist
By Tamara Hill, MS, NCC, CCTP, LPC on September 15, 2015
It is almost impossible to discuss the topic of narcissism without being compared to the 200,000 articles online that addresses this topic.
The topic of sociopathy and narcissism are by far the most popular topics on the web to date. Why? Because so many of us live, work, or exist with a narcissist at one point in our lives. It’s almost inevitable to meet up with a narcissist at work, in the grocery store, at the movies, or even at your doctor’s office. Many of us tend to believe that narcissists are easy to spot in any setting because they are selfish, high-strung, shallow, vain, and hungry for prestige, financial gain, or attention. But there are other types of narcissists and they don’t always have the “symptoms” or behaviors we all understand narcissists to have. In fact, there are some very emotionally needy and callous narcissists that present with very different “behaviors” or “symptoms.” For me, these narcissists don’t look narcissistic. In fact, they appear loving, compassionate, and even altruistic. This article will discuss the emotionally needy narcissist and 10 signs to look for.
Note: It is important to add that this article was not written to offend those who struggle with personality disorders, but to stimulate discussion about people who may fit some of these descriptions.
It is sad to admit that we are a rather vain, self-centered, and egoistic society. It’s very easy to spot a self-centered person in today’s society, especially with the use of social media. You can Google just about anything and find selfies all over the web. You can Google “fashion” and find random people (who aren’t “celebrities”) modeling different things or creating videos with tips on how to look more attractive. It is even more disturbing to recognize just how vain and narcissistic our youths are becoming in today’s society. If they are not online in some way, they feel left out of the “club.” Just do a simple search through YouTube or Instagram and you will find multiple videos from teenagers on “how to date a pretty girl,” “how to make your hair bigger,” or “how to recognize signs of sexual attraction.” It’s beyond pitiful. Sadly, we can blame our sophisticated technology for increasing the narcissism in our world today. But, if we are fair, we cannot solely blame technology for the innate feelings of superiority that some of us are born with.
In fact, some research claims that narcissism is said to affect about 6% (1 in 16 American adults). My understanding from a clinical point of view is that there is probably much more narcissism than we are aware of or able to accurately study.
Despite the above, we are all very aware that narcissism can wreck havoc on your life, your self-esteem, your self-worth, your accomplishments, and your morals. You could also wind up feeling deeply lonely, unloved, and defeated. As a result, it’s important that you understand the “symptoms” of an emotionally needy narcissist. What you must understand is that not every narcissistic person is the same. An emotionally needy narcissist is typically selfish, emotionally unintelligent, and manipulative. These individuals have no idea who they are, who they want to be, or who they should be. Their identity is wavering, shallow, and unstable. One moment they are charitable and kind and the next moment they can become cold and unmoved by others’ suffering.
They walk around taking bits and pieces of everyone else’s character for themselves. They might even begin to talk, walk, or act like someone they are admiring for the moment. But beware because this person might get bored with this “role model” and instantly switch to another one. The person might also only seek companionship with people who are in higher positions than them or in similar positions with a powerful background. There is often no foundation for their level of high-mindedness. They see themselves in a better light than they actually are.
It has been my experience in clinical psychotherapy that an emotionally needy narcissist often presents differently than other narcissists. An emotionally needy narcissistic personality can be hurtful to those around him or her in more ways than a “typical narcissistic person.” Perhaps the reason for this involves the fact that the person doesn’t appear arrogant at first glance, but rather, compassionate and caring.
However, its important that wekeep in mind thatsome individuals with personality disorders need our compassion and understanding.
But we should also aim to protect ourselves if we know the person to be careless with others’ feelings.A few “symptoms” and behaviors that might help you understand an emotionally needy narcissist include but are not limited to:
- Engaging in religious activities for their own good: Thankfully there are some truly humble, admirable, and loving people who engage in religious activities such as church functions, homeless food drives, adoption support groups, etc. My grandmother is a devoutly religious person who wouldn’t harm a fly if she had the chance to. There are often wonderful people in the church. But did you also know that there are also narcissists in the church? These people only participate in church functions to obtain accolades, attention, or even make themselves feel good about themselves. They walk away with a feeling of satisfaction that they did their “duties” for the day but have no emotional connection to what they did. Instead of reaping the altruistic rewards of giving back, an emotionally needy narcissist will look for others to recognize how hard they worked, how long they stayed at the function, or how open they were to others during the event.
- Appearing family-oriented: I’ve had the experience, and I’m sure you have, of the emotionally needy narcissist who appears very close to his or her family. They do almost everything with their family and is rarely seen without the family. This person is “family oriented” not so much because he or she loves the family, but more so because the family gives the person a sense of self-worth or identity to the outside world. The “family-oriented” person has no identity outside of the family unit and is clingy for selfish reasons.
- Not appearingnatural or genuine: I’ve spoken with people who simply make me feel suffocated when they speak to me. They are loud, overly positive, abrasive, and ingenuine. Everything they say sounds scripted, rehearsed, or well thought out. This person tries very hard to appear genuine and authentic and may even speak negatively of people who aren’t genuine. They know keywords to use to draw people in and seem to say everything right.
The key to spotting this kind of person is being mindful of how you are feeling with them in your presence. You will intuitively know when you feel uncomfortable. - Pursuingonly relationshipsthey believe will increase status in some way: A client once informed me ofa colleague they were struggling with who would try any and everything shecould to get the attention of the Director of Special Education in a small special needs school/clinic theyworked in. The person was extremely needy for attention by the Director, who was also a child psychiatrist on the side. She would suck up, laugh too much or too loudly, and seek validation from him when she would speak. For example, if she was sharing an idea in a meeting with him present, she would nod her head or give him long periods of eye contact in search of his “approval” that her ideas were on point. She had no self-confidence or sense of competence unless he “approved” of her ideas or agreed with them.
- Cloaking themselves with their achievements: You have probably seen this type of person before.
They use their money, their material possessions, their articles, their books, their interviews, their job history, their family, their impressive friends, etc. to make up for all of their flaws. As sad as this is to say, some people will use the fact that they have adopted or fostered children for long periods of time as a cloak. These people know that others view parents who adopt or foster children as “high achievers” or “highly compassionate people.” - Fishing for compliments or validation: As stated above, the emotionally needy person is frequently looking for some way to rank higher than others or to at least rank higher in their own mind. A person who is fishing for compliments might manipulate others by complimenting them first. For example, the person might say “you look so nice today Beth, where did you get that outfit?!” Beth might respond “oh, thank you so much. I bought it yesterday during a sell. You look really cute today too!” Or you might get someone who says “I will not wear that green hat again because everyone seems to like it.
” Someone else might reply “why? You look so nice in that hat. We like it a lot on you!” - Avoiding conflict or going contrary at ALL costs: Have you seen someone who will go along to get along at any and all costs just to maintain their positive reputation? The person is not necessarily wise, thoughtful, or careful in how they approach things, but more so are afraid of backlash or being perceived negatively. The goal of not standing up is to ensure they maintain their “positive reputation.”
- Relyingonly on their own beliefs, perceptions, or actions:This person might appear humble and open minded until you try to show them something you have done on your own. The person might say “what if we do it this way?” or “why not word your sentence this way?” You will find that once you change things to the way the other person wants it, they will tell you how much better things look.
- Appearing emotionally attached but lacking empathy: An emotionally needy person can be very selfish because they only cling to others or appear to need them to make themselves feel better.
Clinginess is not flattering. It is unstable and needy behavior. The emotionally needy person may seem attached to you because ultimately “they need you” to make them feel better emotionally. But don’t ask this person to be there for you when you need emotional support because they will most likely turn you away. They aren’t available to you emotionally and cannot give you the time, compassion, love, or support you feel you need. It’s a one-way relationship. - Having shallow and short-term feelings or relationships. They seek validation and then drop you: This type of “symptom” is often found in individuals who have very intense, but short-term relationships. The individual who is emotionally needy thrives on the “butterflies,” high emotional excitement, and sexual attraction that often comes with new romantic relationships. Once the person gets bored with this or feels the high emotional intensity is no longer arousing, they will move on. You will know it because you won’t feel connected to the person anymore and might even feel used or exploited.
Many of my former clients have struggled with relationships of this nature.
Its important that we all keep in mind that there are emotionally stable people who engage in the above behaviors but arent always aware of how they are affecting others. There are also highly admirable people who attend church, adopt or foster children, volunteer their time, seem well-adjusted in life, and are very family oriented who are quite normal. You want to see the above symptoms and behaviors as a problem when the person frequently exhibits the above characteristics. You also want to see narcissism on a spectrum from mild and moderate to severe.
What experiences have you had with narcissism? What did you do?
As always, I wish you well
Photo by Damian Gadal
Photo by Mateus Lunardi Dutra
5.1. emotional needs. Command or obey?
5.1. Emotional needs
The word "emotion" is familiar to everyone. And here is its scientific definition: emotion is a mental process that reflects a person's attitude towards himself and the world around him.
I have lunch, and I like or dislike lunch, I do something, and what I do, I like it or not, I have to communicate with someone, and I like it or not with whom I communicate Like. At the same time, in every situation I am pleased with myself or dissatisfied. True, there are such moments when everything is indifferent to me (i.e., there is nothing to do with events, people, things that I do).
When I like something, a positive emotion arises; when I don't like it, a negative one arises. If everything is indifferent to me, then it becomes boring, and boredom leads to irritation, and this is already an emotion. Lack of emotionality is a sign of such a severe mental illness as schizophrenia. A person without emotions can be likened to a scorched desert. Emotions arise for various reasons. This is a completed business, and the loss of a friend, and deprivation of any benefits, and reading books, and playing sports, and many others. etc. When an emotion appears, not only the appearance of a person changes, but also the activity of internal organs, metabolic processes, and the state of the nervous system.
Emotions color the world around. We are bored, and everything around is gray. The girl did not come on a date, and "all passers-by look like devils, mignonette smells bad." But then she appeared, and "all passers-by look like angels, mignonette smells wonderful." The absence of emotional stimuli leads to emotional hunger. If it lasts for a long time, then, like food hunger, it leads to illness, and then to death. The best way to avoid this in both cases is to feed the person.
With rational nutrition, he receives a certain amount of proteins, fats, carbohydrates, vitamins, etc. What are the requirements for rational emotional nutrition? For our prosperous existence, it is necessary that three types of stimuli act on the brain: causing positive emotions (35%), causing negative emotions (5%), emotionally neutral, or ballast (60%). These data were obtained by scientists in the course of practical experiments (stimulation of certain parts of the brain and the study of emotional reactions to it), which made it possible to draw up an appropriate emotional map of the brain.
What conclusions can be drawn from these data?
1. Man is programmed for happiness. He must be happy if he wants to be healthy, active and live long.
2. A person who does not have the appropriate emotional food, like a car that fills up with the wrong fuel, wears out quickly, moves at a slow speed through life, and often has to be “repaired” during numerous illnesses.
3. A person entering into communication must know that in order for a partner to work productively, he must receive an appropriate positive emotion. Managers, teachers, educators, parents, is it possible to shout at your ward? Can. But then you should not expect good work from him. Quite often, morning production meetings are held against the backdrop of swearing and insults, as a result, people can start work only one and a half to two hours after it.
4. If you could not restrain yourself and scolded your partner, then in order for his performance to be restored, you need to praise him.
How many times? This is easy to calculate, remembering the ratio of positive (35%) and negative (5%) stimuli. So, it is necessary to praise 7 times! This takes a lot of time. You may ask: “And if I don’t scold them, then where will they get negative emotions?”. Don't worry! Somewhere else. We still do not have so many psychologically prepared people! But people will start to gravitate towards you.
I have already said that a strong-willed leader is a stupid leader. If he could think well, he would convince his subordinate and thereby create a positive emotion in him.
And what are negative emotions for? If there are not too many of them, they stimulate us, forcing us to look for new solutions, approaches, methods. After all, negative emotions arise when our activities do not give the desired results. Negative emotions play the same role as carbon dioxide in the process of breathing. It stimulates the breath. Breathing requires oxygen (positive stimuli), carbon dioxide (negative stimuli) and nitrogen (emotionally neutral stimuli).
But if the proportion of carbon dioxide increases, we are talking about an environmental catastrophe. If the ratio of positive and negative emotions is not observed, a psychological catastrophe is observed. Studying the emotional life of patients with neurosis, psychosomatic diseases (myocardial infarction, gastritis, colitis, gastric ulcer, bronchial asthma, etc.), I became convinced that long before the development of the disease they lived in a state of psychological catastrophe, i.e. in their life there was little interest and joy, but in abundance - anxiety, fear, irritability and longing. Negative emotions are necessary, but, like pepper in food, in a small dose.
Why are emotionally neutral stimuli needed? If this book is of interest to you, its relative high cost will add to its charm, enhancing the impact of its content. You will read it with more attention than you would read a penny pamphlet. So, you are completely absorbed in the book, you have already understood that the skills that are described in it will make you happier and richer.
But if the environment is not neutral, discomfort arises.
The role of neutral stimuli is the same as that of dietary fiber. When they become emotionally significant, neurasthenia develops. I have observed one woman who could not stand even the slightest mess. She could start sewing or reading a book only if the house was perfectly clean. But when she achieved this, she no longer had the strength to read or sew. After some time, she had a sexual conflict with her husband on this basis: she could not go to bed until she had done all the housework.
This text is an introductory fragment.
7.2.5 Emotional indicators
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How to recognize and deal with emotional deprivation
October 10 Life
The roots of the problem must be sought in childhood.
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0 Have you ever felt that the people you love ignored your emotional needs? And you were offended, and an inner voice whispered to you: “Why explain something? They still don't understand me." Imagine this pattern showing up regularly in any relationship throughout your life. If you recognize yourself, you may be dealing with emotional deprivation. It is the lack or absence of emotional responses, such as approval or love, from other people.
Where does emotional deprivation come from
The pattern described is formed in childhood, when our brain tries to understand the “rules” by which relationships work in order to respond in the right way. The problem is that the basis for the “rules” is the situation in the family, and for everyone it is unique: what is acceptable in one may be completely unacceptable in another. But when we become adults, our brain continues to respond to settings that have long been irrelevant.
Emotional deprivation usually occurs when parents or people who care for a person did not hear, did not consider important, did not reflect, or in any other way did not respond to his needs. At the same time, he knew that he had these needs, and this made him angry. The voice of emotional deprivation told him: “You have real, legitimate needs, and you are being ignored! This is terrible! You must be angry! Although you have already experienced so much, and this is repeated from time to time, so you can just be offended and not say anything.
Now imagine that the brain is still giving out such monologues, although a person has long grown up and is among people who give him more emotional response than family. Emotional deprivation can cause such a person to close down and feel isolated, as if everyone around is cold to him. Or, on the contrary, he himself will be cold with others.
What are the signs of emotional deprivation
- You assume that your feelings are being neglected, even when there is no evidence of this.
- You often give in to despondency.
- You feel alone and no one understands you.
- You often feel resentment and anger.
- You are acting passive-aggressively.
- You show coldness towards others when they try to get close to you, trying to act "the way they behave."
How to get rid of emotional deprivation
Understand your past
Remember what the situation in the family was like when you were growing up.
What emotional atmosphere reigned in it? Why might you feel that your feelings and needs were being neglected?
The point is not to scold and blame those close to you, but to figure out what happened during that period of your life and why then you reacted in a certain way.
Know your emotional needs
Think about what you needed as a child. Perhaps you wanted your parents to regularly ask how you are doing at school and listen carefully with genuine interest. Or maybe your needs were so ignored that you needed an adult and mentor outside your family to support you.
Check to see if you are disturbing yourself
Notice times when you overreact when interacting with other people, have high emotional expectations of them and are too judgmental. Give others a chance to connect with you.
Speak Out
Try to figure out how you can express your feelings and talk about needs without anger or resentment. Find appropriate ways to explain exactly what you want, without scandals and misunderstandings.
