My husband says im controlling
My Spouse Says I'm Controlling
Whether you are controlling, someone is claiming you are but you disagree, or you are being controlled in a relationship, there is something going on that needs to be fixed in your marriage.
No one wants to be controlled, yet everyone’s view point on what ‘controlling’ actually means can differ based on past experience, the specific situation, and thoughts and opinions about what is going on.
Because everyone has had unique past experiences and have learned how to relate to others from parents, mentors, and friends, one spouse may incorrectly perceive an action as controlling when really there were good intentions behind it.
Control really can be a complicated idea.
Two Types of Motivation
Let’s look at the two types of motivation, and this will help us understand why someone might want to control another or even be controlled themselves.
Learning about what motivation really is and determining the type that is going on, will help you to see what you or your spouse’s ultimate goal is.
Approach motivation:
Think of this like you are moving toward, or approaching, a desired stimulus, which could be internal or external.
Examples:
“I want to look good naked, so I am going to start going to the gym more.”
“I am going to clean the entire house so when my husband/wife gets home from work she will feel appreciative and happy.”
Avoidance motivation:
Think of this like you are moving away from, or avoiding, an undesirable stimulus.
The person who has this type of motivating is going to do something in order to avoid a consequence.
Examples:
“I feel fat, so I am going to stop eating sugar, bread, and drinking alcohol for six months.”
“I am going to clean the house so that I won’t get griped out for something when my wife gets home from work.”
The avoidance type is usually perceived as the negative type; if you constantly use this in a marriage or believe your spouse is using this, then it needs to stop.
Reasons behind avoidance motivation are usually filled with manipulation, anger, annoyance, anxiety, etc.
Avoidance goals tend to be emotionally charged; therefore, this can cause resentment, poor self-esteem, and perceived less value in the relationship if this type of goal is used often.
Why do People Control?
This is a complicated topic, and in the field of psychology and sociology, there has been an enormous amount of research on it.
‘Why’ is the big question—we need to know where the controlling behaviors are stemming from.
Let’s say we are talking about your spouse who is exhibiting controlling behaviors.
You may wonder:
Were his/her parents controlling as well and is this something he/she witnessed growing up?
Was there a specific event, perhaps even a traumatic one, from childhood that has stuck with him/her that has influenced the way he/she reacts to things?
Does he/she feel so out of control in his/her own life that they feel the need to control everything and everyone around them in order to feel safe?
Is he/she fearful of something and is trying to maintain peace and order?
Positive and Negative Effects of Control
Positive
When is controlling good?
Obviously control can be beneficial if it is used to legitimately help someone with meaningful intentions.
For example, Brett has started to drink an excessive amount and his wife Casey is aware that he has been drinking and driving, risking not only his own life, but the lives of other innocent people.
If Casey asks Brett to stop going out drinking and to cut back on the drinking all-together, is she being manipulative and controlling?
Brett may think so; he probably will get defensive and perceive Casey as a controlling or jealous woman who doesn’t want him to have any fun.
The motivation behind the control is healthy—Casey wants her husband to make good choices and not risk his life or possibility of going to jail.
How to Approach This
Casey needs to be careful in how she approaches this situation and in the way she communicates her needs to her husband.
She needs to voice her concerns in a calm way, not project any negativity or judgement about the situation, even if she wants to, and she needs to set some healthy boundaries within the relationship regarding the drinking, especially surrounding the act of drinking and driving.
Negative
Controlling can be bad when the reasoning behind it is solely to manipulate and control for the benefit of one party.
For example, let’s say that Brett was taking Uber to the bar a few nights a week, hence drinking and driving is not a factor in this particular scenario.
Casey becomes jealous because she does not want Brett spending his time away from her and knows that there are attractive women who go to that bar as well; she does not want her husband around those women having a good time.
Brett catches Casey following him to the bar one night, and in addition to her sneaky behaviors, she has been withholding sex on a regular basis.
The intentions of wanting him to stop going to the bar are valid in her own mind, but they are not truly good intentions—they stem from jealousy and wanting to control her husband’s actions.
How to Approach This
If Casey continues to engage in controlling and manipulative behaviors, this will negatively affect their marriage and may end up with Brett leaving her.
Brett needs to confront her about her actions and they need to have an open and honest conversation about what is really going on.
How to Stop Controlling or Being Controlled
- Figure out WHY this is happening—-then you can figure out an action plan to stop the control.
- Seek out counseling (professional or religious).
- Establish healthy boundaries within the relationship.
- Communication is key; admit the control and apologize. Tell your spouse what you plan to do to make things better
- Do NOT make excuses—don’t justify your actions unless your spouse asks you why—no need to elaborate.
- Exist as equals; no one is better than the other, therefore no one should be controlled or dominated in the marriage.
Live what you preach.
If you are being controlled in your marriage or you realize that you may be controlling your spouse, communication needs to take place to begin a safe and open dialogue about what is really going on.
The ‘why’ behind the motivation of the controlling behavior needs to be determined and then an action plan can be created in order to get both parties back to a peaceful marriage.
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How to Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship
The “I Was Just Trying To Help” Syndrome
For a lot of us women, when it comes to our husbands, we have an unconscious refrain jingling in our heads that goes like this: “I know better than he does—I will help him do it right.” With this background music, we quickly develop an air of superiority. We feel qualified to instruct our husbands on how to vacuum the carpet, talk to the children, and negotiate with his colleagues. All the while we tell ourselves that we are simply helping.
For years I truly believed if I could just get my husband to be tidier, more romantic, and more considerate everything would be fine. I told him as much, and while that didn’t improve things at all, it did create wall-to-wall hostility and tension in our home.
For a long time I didn’t even realize I was controlling. I thought I was just being helpful, acknowledging how I felt, and being honest. Little did I know I was shooting holes in the bucket of our intimacy and romance.
On the road to learning how to stop being controlling, I tried to make modifications, tried to be more subtle and even thought I was improving at times. But all of it got me to the same lonely spot: wondering why my husband was withdrawn, distant and defensive.
It wasn’t until I learned to recognize my controlling behavior and make a different choice that the romance returned.
So here’s the choice:
You can choose intimacy or you can choose control but you can’t have both. Click To Tweet
If you choose to try to control someone, the intimacy will disappear. If you choose intimacy, you won’t be in control. Control and Intimacy are opposites. You can only ever have one or the other.
Today I have the ability to ask myself, would I rather be intimate right now or would I rather try to control the situation? And most of the time, the answer is that I would rather have the intimacy.
The scariest part about surrendering to your husband is that it may seem like you’re never going to get your way, but just the opposite is true. When you give up unnecessary control of things your husband does-how he drives, what he wears, what he does at work, and how he loads the dishwasher-you actually gain power in the relationship and in your life.
Doing all the work is not what makes you powerful-it’s what makes you exhausted. On the other hand, relaxing and enjoying yourself while someone else takes care of things is a very powerful position to be in. Certainly the VIP who rides in the limousine is more powerful than the chauffeur who controls the vehicle.
Even if it’s just for a few days, or a week if you’re feeling brave, try to be the VIP instead of the chauffeur in your relationship by relinquishing control to your husband and see what happens. Let him do what he thinks is best and the respect he feels from you will foster more intimacy and romance than any amount of “just trying to help” ever could.
By Laura Doyle
Hi! I'm Laura.
I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
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I control my husband! How not to flick a stick???? Your opinion ???
#1
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#5
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#7
Guest
wow, that's good.
My lover's wife is so controlling, overcontrolling, she doesn't let her breathe, but we've been dating for 4 years and she's neither sleep nor spirit. Although, too, she overlaid him at work, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, relatives - everyone watches over him.
#8
#
Bessonny Plotses
I think that in your case the wife still knows
#10
#11
Lope de Vega
Sole-so stupid collective farm. If he wants to leave, then at least he's sorry, he'll leave anyway. It actually reeks of paranoia.
Aug 22, 2011
#13
#14
Lada
Yagodka, you are right! And this should be done too! And I do!
#15
#16
#18
go to the topic "colleague sawing"
#19
#20,0005
#21
We need to hold your hand on the pool of life.
At the same time, let him understand with some examples that this can happen, but you trust him and hope. that he would not exchange his family for an easily accessible girl.
Most likely it will be so and he values his family, but now every day for men is a test - just a swarm of lazy soulless girls who need a wallet for sex, which is called crazy love.
But be on horseback yourself - always interesting for others - then you will be desired by your husband too. And watch your finances.
#22
mistresses wrote here that many wives are sorry-ducks who live with a hateful spouse because they don't want to share their wealth. but then again, you have to share with a fig when you are with him and fire and water and copper pipes + children.
from fasting, Avrota smells of disgust, even if she is right.
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#23
That's it
Well, you're right, only I would prefer, have a wealthy husband, slowly start accounts from him and start your own real estate and business some, so that, firstly, if you don’t control it, remain the wealthiest, and secondly, the men will become impudent if the wife is sitting on their necks, and then it will be possible to rip out on their own, if something is not for you.
#24
#25
Very soon it will seem to you that he does not excite you in sex, and in general, that it will be easier for you without him. By leaps and bounds you are moving towards divorce. You control his resources and social circle, and thus only bring closer the very divorce and departure of him, which you supposedly fear, but in fact really want, because it is most beneficial for you.
#26
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#27
#28
Very soon you will not be in sex excites, and indeed, that
will be easier for you without it. By leaps and bounds you are moving towards divorce. You
control his resources and social circle and thus only bring
the same divorce and leaving him, which you supposedly fear, but in fact you really want
, because it is most beneficial for you. [/
What far-reaching conclusions!!!!! You obviously didn't read the previous posts.
#29
agrees it is not necessary that our mutual friends told me and in the evening with
he drinks all this is considered to relieve stress, and at one time I
I weaned smoking, now they are bitches now, otherwise they are used to thinking that they are bitches
beautiful at work, etc.
, the most amazing thing is that he sincerely believes that she doesn’t need anything from him
that she has strong feelings for him, here the men are fools a[/
Believe me, this won’t last long. Come running. This is always the case when from different social strata.
#30
Lada
What far-reaching conclusions!!!!! You obviously didn't read the previous posts.
You still have hints, like he wants too much from you, and you don't like it, and you gently stop it. By doing this, you only increase the likelihood that he will go to the monkey, jumping in front of him on his paws and looking into his mouth. He needs it (in some form), but you don't want to give it to him. You instead run around with a stick and chase away other monkeys.
#31
#32
In general, going the wrong way.
This control is not needed. Again - you compare your husband with a ram. So - do not trust him and his willpower.
You have only the first light calls. It won't be long before you reach the bells. But you will get there if you do not change your line of behavior.
#33
#34
Do you like being a wife?
If you don't have a husband, will you feel inadequate?
it's just like it's not about love... but keeping this man nearby in the status of a husband/...
I sincerely don't understand why to keep a man around in such cunning ways... (I'm 44 years old)
#35
#36
One smart psychologist once told me that if a person is very afraid of something (husband will cheat, parents will get into a car accident, etc.
phobias), then this means that in fact he is this wants.
Your control will ultimately lead to this ending. He will find a woman who will love him, not control him. You in your selfishness do not think about what would be good for him. So, they already fell out of love. In your mental constructions there is no his personality, his desires and aspirations. You think only about how you yourself will be comfortable.
I don't think it makes sense to explain anything else to you. To believe or not to believe me is up to you.
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9000 , 09:53
#38
#39
Yagodka
You don't need a lot of mind to do this, but how to do it so that he is afraid of losing you - control you this is real craftsmanship.
#40
#41
9000 yea, that's the point. My lover's wife is so controlling, overcontrolling, she doesn't let her breathe, but we've been dating for 4 years and she's neither sleep nor spirit. Although, too, she overlaid him at work, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, relatives - everyone watches over him.
#43
khadya
you don't have to look after your husband, but look after yourself!
#43
#45
Here was the situation, I applied to the person I had such a situation in life and I needed to control my husband, a friend advised me a guy, he connected a wiretap on her husband’s phone and I was able to listen to calls and read SMS and on whatsappe viber, he does everything via the Internet, I gave him a number and an hour later everything worked.
here is his mail write can help [email protected] ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))
#46
#47
I'm confused
90. My lover's wife is so controlling, overcontrolling, she doesn't let her breathe, but we've been dating for 4 years and she's neither sleep nor spirit. Although, too, she overlaid him at work, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, relatives - everyone watches over him.
#48
Avril
ambivalent. on the one hand, I think that the author is doing everything right, but on the other hand, a disgusting impression + if a man wants to have a mistress and leave the family, fuck what you calculate.
mistresses wrote here that many wives are sorry ducks who live with a hateful spouse because they do not want to share their wealth. but then again, you have to share with a fig when you are with him and fire and water and copper pipes + children.
from fasting, Avrota smells of disgust, even if she is right.
#49
Husband's personal space, or do you let your husband go where he wants?
Personal space …
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Let me explain my questions. I would like to know how others are. My husband and I are now facing huge problems, one of which was the problem that, according to him, I control him too much, keep him on a leash. He was tired of living like this and went crazy. Does what he wants.
Girls, tell us how you tactfully solve this problem, so that there are no scandals and reproaches!
Thank you in advance.
120 replies
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#3
Guest
I myself am very freedom-loving and I need a lot of personal space) Therefore, my husband and I have never controlled each other and do not control. We just warn each other that the plans are such and such. If these plans intersect with something jointly important, then we find a compromise solution. Married for 22 years. I don’t understand at all how you can say to another person “you won’t go there. Because I don’t allow you.” To do this, you need to get a dog, not a husband)))
#4
#5
9000 9000 K
666666666666666 We've been married for a little over a year and basically do everything together.
After marriage, most of our friends have been lost, we hold on to each other. But we are friends with him, this is important. Drinking beer goes out every few months. Dream, short
#9
Guest
similarly, I have no idea how to ask for a vacation somewhere
#10
There were scandals and reproaches
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9000 #13
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#19
Guest
and it was very in vain that you lost it, nothing prevented you from making friends in the company and in couples.
the period of lovebirds will end, and you can be left completely alone. but it's up to you. on the same topic. no, we are adults, we do not impose prohibitions on each other. we discuss everything, more often we meet with friends in pairs together, or each with his own separately))
#20
Guest
at one time my husband spent 2 years on business trips, then he was not at home for a week, then 2-3, it was several times that for 1.5- I lived away from home for 2 months (for the weekend, either he or I flew to him), so my husband had freedom through the roof, never controlled him every minute, did not require reports, apparently that's why he always talked about his plans, about the day he spent. .. Now we have been living without business trips for almost 2 years, it suits both, from time to time the husband can spend time somewhere with friends - a bar, sauna, billiards .
.. but this is when they have a purely male company and I myself refuse to be there, if there is an option me to go with him - always takes me with him. It happened that, for example, I went on vacation to my parents alone, my husband stayed at home for work and went alone to a friend’s wedding, I see no reason to ban something just because I don’t want him to go somewhere without me.
#21
#22
Julia
66666666666666 The author is me.
Well, I understand everything that it should be a personal space.
But something else is also important to me. He walks - I'm at home with the cleaning. He is in the evening, flowing into the night, on a bicycle - I cook dinner.
Because no one will do it but me. He doesn’t cook, well, he can fry an egg for himself, that’s all. Sometimes he doesn't clean up after himself, you have to clean up everything yourself. At first, he didn’t clean at all, after quarrels and persuasion he began. He wants intimacy very often, my temperament is not like that. The fact that I was corny tired at work, ran in and cooked dinner, therefore tired. oh does not hear. And if he hears, he will be offended.
Question. Where is my personal space? Yes, I can go out with my friends, go shopping, but it's rare, as a rule, I stay and he leaves. It turns out that I have one duty, and he has one right. Here it finishes, and hence the scandal comes out. July 28, 2016, 11:07 am
Well, I understand everything that it should be a personal space.
But something else is also important to me. He walks - I'm at home with the cleaning. He is in the evening, flowing into the night, on a bicycle - I cook dinner. Because no one will do it but me.
He doesn’t cook, well, he can fry an egg for himself, that’s all. Sometimes he doesn't clean up after himself, you have to clean up everything yourself. At first, he didn’t clean at all, after quarrels and persuasion he began. He wants intimacy very often, my temperament is not like that. The fact that I was corny tired at work, ran in and cooked dinner, therefore tired. oh does not hear. And if he hears, he will be offended.
Question. Where is my personal space? Yes, I can go out with my friends, go shopping, but it's rare, as a rule, I stay and he leaves. It turns out that I have one duty, and he has one right. Here it finishes, and hence the scandal comes out.
#26
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#27
#28
Guest
Married for 12 years.
Thank God, my husband often meets with friends. then. Yes, go without problems. If it is delayed, then it calls. I myself hate when my freedom of action is restricted. his friends and zhen.Family friends.
Change the author. Of course, you need to trust and verify, but you can’t strangle a person
#31
Guest
Guest Married for 12 years. we go there then. Yes, go without problems. If it is delayed, then it calls. I myself hate when my freedom of action is restricted. I know all his friends and wives. We are friends with families.
Change the author. Of course, you need to trust and check, but you can’t strangle a person
so everything is absolutely normal with you, as it should be - the husband warns where he is going, if he is delayed, he calls .. but with me, it’s just a zheppa ... (( I never limit my husband, and I’m not jealous, but after his last trick I’m thinking about a divorce. My husband and I each have our own apartment, we live with me, but sometimes he goes to his place for a day or two - his parents live nearby and an adult daughter from his first marriage - he often sees her, and I’m all for it.
that’s how he stayed there and disappeared for a week, and then it turned out that they all left together - husband, daughter and husband’s son-in-law - to the sea, I without saying a word about this trip and my husband’s phone was out of the zone, because it was out of charge .. he doesn’t even understand how unpleasant this story is for me, but he is outraged, offended and already thinking about a divorce.. I had such problems this week, but he is sunbathing there, while she was clearing up everything herself and did not know where he was and with whom ((.
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#32
Guest
20, are you sure that you can change only in saunas? such husbands manage to smack someone in the car at lunchtime, otherwise the wife does not let go to the sauna with the men - there they always steam with prostitutes!
928 July 28, 2016, 12:23
#34
guest
yes. the ban worked. and if you let go everywhere and allow everything, there will be more temptations.
#35
guest
GuestGuestMarried for 12 years. we go there then. Yes, go without problems. If it is delayed, then it calls.
I myself hate when my freedom of action is restricted. I know all his friends and wives. We are friends with families.
Change the author. Of course, you need to trust and check, but you can’t strangle a person
so everything is absolutely normal with you, as it should be - the husband warns where he is going, if he is delayed, he calls .. but with me, it’s just a zheppa ... (( I never limit my husband, and I’m not jealous, but after his last trick I’m thinking about a divorce. My husband and I each have our own apartment, we live with me, but sometimes he goes to his place for a day or two - his parents live nearby and an adult daughter from his first marriage - he often sees her, and I’m all for it. that’s how he stayed there and disappeared for a week, and then it turned out that they all left together - husband, daughter and husband’s son-in-law - to the sea, I without saying a word about this trip and my husband’s phone was out of the zone, because it was out of charge .
. he doesn’t even understand how unpleasant this story is for me, but he is outraged, offended and already thinking about a divorce.. I had such problems this week, but he is sunbathing there, while she was clearing up everything herself and did not know where he was and with whom ((.
he just doesn't care about you and is probably thinking about a divorce. Have you tried to have a serious talk with him?
#36
#38
9000 Guest Ponya28, it’s even curious what prompted him to remain silent ..... and obviously than he thought, a tan will become visible for anyone
I think so, if you did something like that, he would not understand
yes, he wasn’t going to hide, he just didn’t consider it necessary to warn, like, I’ll come back and tell you everything, well, if I got through, I would say that I was at sea with my daughter, but it turned out that the phone was dead .
. that’s what infuriates most of all - he has NO need to inform me, does not care what I think and feel ((.... yes ....
Could find a way to connect, we had it in the first year of the relationship
They rented a house for a couple of months, love and passion were bursting very much, quarreled and crossed out his friend alone, so he told me that he went to the clinic for sick leave, and he himself went to this friend, as he later realized. 1.5 days
I called his mother, I almost went crazy, I loved eerily, you never know what happened to him
Then I packed my things, an aquarium, a taxi and brought the keys to his parents. fell for a day! (at minus three) lay near the hospital
and no one saw him, some kind of
now, when she said together a long time ago, soak it like that, bye bye, automatically change the lock and goodbye forever, call the police to show up .... ....
#40
#41
Julia
Girls, tell us how tactfully you solve this problem, so so that there are no scandals and reproaches!
Thanks in advance.
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#44
Julia
Author I.
Well, I understand everything that it should be a personal space.
But something else is also important to me. He walks - I'm at home with the cleaning. He is in the evening, flowing into the night, on a bicycle - I cook dinner. Because no one will do it but me. He doesn’t cook, well, he can fry an egg for himself, that’s all. Sometimes he doesn't clean up after himself, you have to clean up everything yourself.
At first, he didn’t clean at all, after quarrels and persuasion he began. He wants intimacy very often, my temperament is not like that. The fact that I was corny tired at work, ran in and cooked dinner, therefore tired. oh does not hear. And if he hears, he will be offended.
Question. Where is my personal space? Yes, I can go out with my friends, go shopping, but it's rare, as a rule, I stay and he leaves. It turns out that I have one duty, and he has one right. Here it finishes, and hence the scandal comes out.
#45
Pony
yes, this was the only time in 8 years there was
But I know what he is capable of - apparently very friendly, I wanted to and therefore set myself up in advance , and warned him. We have been living with me for a long time)
I strictly notice the nuances and draw conclusions if he thinks that his minor mistakes are forgotten - no)))
While the whole world has replaced his computer, but this does not mean anything
#46
Guest
Don't clean or clean rarely, don't cook, you can't buy it ready-made, right? It's summer now, you can just eat raspberries for dinner.
You placed the responsibility on yourself.
#48
Evil
Guest
Don't clean or clean rarely, don't cook, you can't buy it ready-made, right? It's summer now, you can just eat raspberries for dinner. You placed the responsibility on yourself.
I don't understand these problems at all. I fell ill 4 years ago and live with regular terrible stomach attacks / the operation is still being postponed /, I only eat at home and cook only myself. Someone else's crazy hands extinguished me twice in a year to the state of calling an ambulance. So - cooking dinner - meat, side dish, salad takes a maximum of an hour and a half a day. What is there to do for hours? and in order not to crumple with the dishes, you need to do it like all cooks, each ingredient in its own bowl. I poured it out and immediately washed the bowl. And no dirty dishes. And then there's some kind of kitchen slavery.
Get rid of super complex recipes already, switch to healthy food - it's faster to cook and it's healthier. And what does shopping mean? Every day you come in and take your groceries for dinner. 15 minutes of everything. And dinner. Well, it took 2 hours. If you don't want to waste two hours, don't waste it. And then the women themselves hang a bunch of things on themselves, and then they are offended that no one gives a medal for this.
#50
Marmotka
EvilGuest
It's summer now, you can just eat raspberries for dinner. You placed the responsibility on yourself.
I don't understand these problems at all. I fell ill 4 years ago and live with regular terrible stomach attacks / the operation is still being postponed /, I only eat at home and cook only myself. Someone else's crazy hands extinguished me twice in a year to the state of calling an ambulance.
So - cooking dinner - meat, side dish, salad takes a maximum of an hour and a half a day. What is there to do for hours? and in order not to crumple with the dishes, you need to do it like all cooks, each ingredient in its own bowl. I poured it out and immediately washed the bowl. And no dirty dishes. And then there's some kind of kitchen slavery. Get rid of super complex recipes already, switch to healthy food - it's faster to cook and it's healthier. And what does shopping mean? Every day you come in and take your groceries for dinner. 15 minutes of everything. And dinner. Well, it took 2 hours. If you don't want to waste two hours, don't waste it. And then the women themselves hang a bunch of things on themselves, and then they are offended that no one gives a medal for this.
and I have a headache and suffer.
fell for M like ddurra.
And he threw me because I am Llokhushka and an iPhone with a laptop, I have not “apple” and a hut suck
ago
1
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