How to change bad behaviors

Ways to Change Bad Habits I Psych Central

Changing habits you’ve had for years can be hard — but not impossible.

We all have those habits we wish we didn’t, but just can’t seem to break.

You might think you spend too much time on social media or playing games, or that your time streaming videos might be better spent reading that classic novel you’ve always wanted to try.

Though you’ve tried numerous times to break these habits, it might seem like nothing works.

Even when you think you’ve finally bested it, you might find yourself back to doing the same habit weeks, or even hours, later.

So, how can we stop? How long does it take to break a habit?

It can be a challenge, but with some time and effort, habits can be changed.

Every year, New Year’s Eve rolls around and we make a list of our resolutions — or rather, habits we want to change or get rid of for the year.

Spend less time on social media. Eat better. Exercise more. Quit smoking. Stop biting your nails.

Making a list of your habits is not meant to make you feel bad about yourself, but to make you more aware of the things you want to change.

This list can seem overwhelming, especially if it keeps growing and growing each year.

You’re not alone. We all have habits — old and new — that we want to change. Instead of trying to change them all, just pick one or two.

Now that you’ve made a list of your habits, try to find what prompts them.

Maybe you reach for that carton of ice cream or bar of chocolate when you’re stressed or are having a bad day. Maybe you spend so much time scrolling on social media because you’re bored.

Nervousness or anxiety in stressful situations might drive you to bite your nails.

Learning what puts your habit in motion might help you come up with ideas to stop or change the behavior.

Once you know the cause, removing it or finding ways to ease those feelings in the moment might help you break that habit.

If you tend to reach for foods you don’t want to be eating, consider throwing them away (or donating them). If the first thing you do when you wake up is check your phone, try leaving your phone outside your room or in another area not as close to your bed.

This doesn’t have to be forever — just until you’re confident that you’ve broken the habit.

Just knowing the habit and cause behind it isn’t enough to make it go away.

Research in 2011 suggests that replacing a habit with an alternate behavior is a good way to change or break a habit.

Instead of reaching for a cigarette when you’re stressed, try stress management techniques — such as taking a walk or meditation — to find relief.

When anxiety has you chewing on your nails again, some deep breathing exercises might help ease your feelings.

Try not to replace your new behavior with something that’s similar to the old one. For example, if you want to stop scrolling through social media so much, try not to use another streaming app as a replacement.

Try these replacement ideas:

eating fruit when you think about a processed sweet
journaling when you’re stressed or anxious
reading a book when you’re bored
chewing a piece of gum when you want a cigarette

Experts believe that habits are hard to break because they’ve become an automatic part of our day-to-day routines and patterns. In fact, our habit-forming behaviors have been historically linked to the basal ganglia — the “autopilot” part of our brain.

Making simple changes — such as moving your phone from your nightstand before bed — can make it easier for the new behavior to become part of your autopilot routine.

It’s natural to have slips ups.

Rather than beat yourself up about it, remind yourself that you’re only human and it’s OK.

If you fall back into the habit, remember that it might take more than one trial to change it.

Motivate yourself to change your habits by using incentives or rewards.

It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or elaborate. It can be something as simple as a bubble bath or a favorite meal.

Consider setting a goal for the week, and if you reach it, treat yourself. Knowing there’s a reward in the future might motivate you to stick with your plan to break that habit.

Habits are hard to break. Habits aren’t formed overnight, so they won’t change overnight, either.

It takes time and patience for new behaviors to become routine. Habits can take several weeks to change. But don’t give up!

If you keep at it, you can turn those new behaviors into habits, too.

It’s not easy breaking or changing a habit that you’ve had for a long time.

It might take some trial and error and a bit of time to make that change. But with a plan and a lot of patience, your new behaviors can soon become second nature.

If you need help ending a habit, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. A trained mental professional can offer guidance and support if you want to address a deeper issue — such as substance use, compulsions, or addiction.

How to Break Bad Habits and Change Behaviors

Old habits can be hard to break, and new habits hard to make, but with these six basic steps you can develop new, healthy behaviors that stick.

Can You Retrain Your Brain?

Mike wrote a list, and checked it twice. This time he was going to kill it:

Make a healthy snack
Go to the gym
Don’t waste time on cell phone
Read a classic novel
Housetrain Rex

Twenty-four hours later, Mike munched celery sticks while reading The Great Gatsby, his legs sore, but in a good way, after the hour on the treadmill while Rex waited patiently by the back door to go out …

Do you believe this? I didn’t think so!

Here’s what Mike was really doing. Mike was on the couch, one hand in a bag of chips, the other on his cell phone. The unopened gym bag and copy of Of Mice and Men lay on the floor, which Rex had soiled once again.

That’s more plausible, right? We all know habits don’t change overnight — not for simple doggies and not for big-brained human beings. But there’s good news: research shows that just like Rex can learn that he should go potty outside instead of on Mike’s gym bag, you can rewire your brain to change your own habits.¹ But we humans need a subtler approach than a few treats and “good boys” to change our ways.

Here’s how Mike (and you) can better understand how habits form and how to replace bad ones with good.

6 Steps to Changing Habits

Identify Cues.
Something has to trigger a habit, and a cue can be anything. Maybe stress makes you crave chocolate, or the sound of your alarm triggers you to hit the snooze button. Identifying cues helps you understand what puts your habits into motion.

Disrupt.
Once you know the cues, you can throw bad habits off track. If the alarm cues you to bash the snooze button every morning, put the alarm clock on the other side of the room. Trekking across the cold floor will likely disrupt the snooze habit.
Replace.
Research shows that replacing a bad behavior with a good one is more effective than stopping the bad behavior alone.² The new behavior “interferes” with the old habit and prevents your brain from going into autopilot. Deciding to eat fruit every time your mind thinks “cookie” substitutes a positive behavior for the negative habit.

Keep It Simple.
It’s usually hard to change a habit because the behavior has become easy and automatic. The opposite is true, too: new behaviors can be hard because your brain’s basal ganglia, (the “autopilot” part), hasn’t taken over this behavior yet.³ Simplifying new behaviors helps you integrate them into your autopilot routines.

Think Long-Term.
Habits often form because they satisfy short-term impulses, the way chewing on your nails might immediately calm your nerves. But short-term desires often have long-term consequences, like nasty, splintered, chewed up fingers. Focusing long term while trying to change some habits will help you remember why you’re investing the effort.

Persist.
Research has shown that what you’ve done before is a strong indicator of what you’ll do next. This means established habits are hard to break. But the good news is, if you keep at it, your new behaviors will turn into habits, too.⁴ Persistence works — at first it might be painful to get up at 5am for that jog, but soon it will be second nature.

Let’s check back in with Mike. He gave it another go with all these tips in mind. This time, he tossed the chips and replaced them with veggies; when his brain craved salty, fried potatoes, it found carrots instead. He promised himself that when he had the urge to kill some time on his cell phone, he’d disrupt the urge by picking up To Kill a Mockingbird instead (and if you look at his list, he’s killed two birds with one stone).

Finally, Mike kept his gym bag in the car so he couldn’t forget it again — the first step toward forming a new 15-minutes-on-the-treadmill-during-lunch habit. (And don’t worry about Rex — it turns out his potty problems weren’t a bad habit at all, but a protest to get attention from a neglectful owner who played on his phone too much. This problem resolved itself.)

So, habits can be changed, and with a bit of time and some effort, healthy behaviors can become second nature. Now get on it, so you can be Healthy For Good!

Sources:

¹ Putting habit into practice, and practice into habit: a process evaluation and exploration of the acceptability of a habit-based dietary behaviour change intervention, International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 2014 https://ijbnpa.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12966-014-0135-7
² Breaking Habits with Implementation Intentions: A Test of Underlying Processes, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2011 http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167211399102
³ The role of the basal ganglia in habit formation, Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 2006 http://www. im-clever.eu/documents/courses/computational-embodied-neuroscience-1/CEN/files/YinKnowlton2006RoleOfBasalGangliaInHabitFormation.pdf
⁴ Theoretical explanations for maintenance of behaviour change: a systematic review of behaviour theories, Health Psychology Review, 2016 http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/17437199.2016.1151372

Written by American Heart Association editorial staff and reviewed by science and medicine advisers. See our editorial policies and staff.

Last Reviewed: Jan 10, 2018

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How to stop a child's bad behavior without resorting to punishment? Exploring Working and Ineffective Tactics

Parents who have decided to move away from the traditional system of rewards and punishments, often worry about the question of how to properly stop a child's "bad" behavior. In other words, what to do if your obnoxious toddler has painted new wallpapers with felt-tip pens, and now he can’t be given a belt or put in a corner? It turns out there are other ways.

Child psychologist Laura Markham reminds weary parents that there are no "spoiled bastards" but only bad kids. This does not mean that you should never feel dissatisfied with your child, especially if he does something that he should not do (and he seems to fucking know about it!). Demonstrative bad behavior is especially infuriating when a child purposefully breaks the rules.

Let's face it, many parents wonder from time to time: is it time to yell at a child or use force to teach him to "behave"?

However, the truth here is that more than anything, children want a strong and secure relationship with us, their parents. And if they suddenly start acting like "brats" - it's not to make you angry (although sometimes it's very hard to believe), but because they want a stronger connection with you (and don't understand how to achieve it) , or are trying to cope with strong emotions and experiences (and cannot), or need your support.

After all, our support (combined with personal example) is the best way to teach a child to behave in a certain way , because that is what helps them learn and motivates them to follow us.

So how do you turn "bad" behavior into willingness to cooperate and follow you? Markham suggests analyzing existing strategies using a specific example: after a walk, a child, instead of taking off his shoes, immediately runs into the room and jumps on the couch in shoes. Requests not to do so have no effect, timeouts only work temporarily, and the next day everything repeats. Let's look at each of the possible parenting tactics separately.

Yes, this is an effective strategy. If you give up and just let your child jump around in his shoes on the bed, he will do it. However, if you set realistic and age-appropriate (this is important!) expectations, and remind them persistently, positively and empathically, then the strategy will work.

In the event that a child knows what is expected of him, but still continues to behave "wrongly", then this means that he either needs help to sort out his difficult feelings, or establish a stronger connection with him in order to he wanted to work with you.

This tactic applies to temporary events. For example, if a child misbehaves because he is hungry, then you just need to satisfy his need, and he will return to normal. You can note his behavior, but at the same time do not condemn: “You are very hungry, I see that you are already impatient .... Let's calm down and eat!" But don't turn it into a scandal.

If your child systematically breaks the rules by jumping on the couch, then indifference is not enough. By his behavior, he asks you to intervene and help him.

Another tactic known as "parental tantrum". This is never an effective method to get the child to meet your expectations - at most you can scare the child to the point that he immediately obeys you.

From the example of adult relationships, we know that if someone "throws a tantrum", it distorts the relationship between people. When we do this in relationships with children, the same thing happens. Unfortunately, in this way we only make the child behave even worse.

Screaming is a sign that you have turned onto the "crooked path" of parenthood and have begun to perceive your child as an enemy . Our children are never our enemies, no matter how disgusting they may behave. They are very young people with very immature brains who are signaling that they need our help.

Sometimes this method helps to stop "bad" behavior in one fell swoop. However, this works because it is essentially a symbolic rejection of the child. Your child needs you in order to survive. A timeout for him is the threat that your love can disappear at any moment, like you yourself, leaving him defenseless.

In this way, you show the child that you are not ready to help him with all the unpleasant feelings that overwhelm him and make him behave in a certain way. Since it's rare for kids to volunteer to take a time out, trying to send them there provokes a power struggle that can poison your entire relationship. In the future, this stops working altogether, and you are left with a rebellious child who finds it easier to protest than to voluntarily cooperate.

Maybe he should be warned in advance about what will happen. Maybe you need to play a fun game of power and obedience with your child to reduce tension and the feeling of being bossed around. Maybe he needs to be entrusted with a task that he will do at home, so that he feels that he also has power over something. Maybe he needs to connect with you so that he wants to follow your instructions. Maybe you just need to put an old sheet on the sofa to keep it clean.

But if you have already repeated endlessly that you need to take off your shoes immediately after you enter the house, and this does not work, then you can move on to the next tactics.

Children do not share our priorities. And why should they do it? They have their own priorities (couch jumping is fun!) and not our understanding of the world (sofas cost money). So our daily and 24/7 job is to guide them: "Shoes stain the sofa - so no shoes on the sofa." The more persistent and consistent you are, the faster the child will accept your limitation, get upset about it, and move on. The more empathy you show in the process, the easier it will be for your child to accept your boundaries without rebelling against them.

Redirection is the best way to stop unwanted behavior because it helps redirect the child's energy into safer channels. “I see how much fun you have! But you know, the sofa is not for jumping. Come on, get off the couch. Let's go and jump on an old mattress!"

Naturally, all children will test boundaries for strength. This means that you have to be close to the child when you enter the house, make sure that he takes off his shoes before he goes to the sofa - every time. Sooner or later it will turn into a habit and you will stop thinking about it.

But what if he breaks into the house, rushes past you and rushes straight to the sofa before you help him take off his shoes? Thus, he gives a signal that something is preventing her from cooperating with you. What? Emotions. Children accumulate their feelings, waiting for a safe opportunity to release them in the presence of a reliable and supportive witness. It is you. And if you unravel the knot of these complex emotions, you can stop "bad" behavior before it starts.

Of course, you can make him suppress these feelings by yelling at or punishing him. And he will obey - until he grows up and can not resist you. Teenage years will be very difficult. And you can never be as close as you could be with the person you brought into this world.

Alternatively, you can help deal with these feelings. This will help your child get into what is important to you. This will help him develop emotional intelligence. This will help her better meet your expectations as she gets older. And it will help you get closer to each other. How? Play when you can. Cry when you need to.

Take a deep breath and repeat after me: “Nothing terrible is happening. We can play with it."

Speak in a friendly and playful tone to make the child laugh: “Excuse me… Are you on the couch with boots on? Well, we'll see about that! I am the defender of the sofa, and I will catch you now! Grab it with a laugh and throw it over your shoulder. If you run around the house with him, take off his shoes and throw them where they belong. Sing a playful song about how much you love him and never let him go. Drop it on the sofa and pick it up again. Finally fall together on the couch for a good hug.

Next time, before you go home, say that you can play this game again, but you must first take off your shoes as soon as you step over the threshold.

Think of a game that will help turn defiance into reunion and joy. Use it every time you need to stop "bad" behavior. Laughter helps to get rid of difficult feelings no less effectively than tears. It also promotes the production of oxytocin, the “togetherness” hormone, so when you and your child laugh together, you strengthen the bond between you.

What if the child does not laugh? Doesn't let you take off your shoes? What if he gets angry and protests? He doesn't want to play. His provocative behavior tells you that he just needs to have a good cry and release those emotions that have accumulated inside. Of course, it would be much better if he said: "Mom, I have a feeling that everyone is constantly telling me what to do ... And I'm so tired of it!".

But he can't tell you how he feels, instead he resists to show you how he feels.

Call on all your faculties for compassion. Look the child in the eyes. Draw the line clearly and softly: “Sunny, you know that shoes stain the sofa. I don't allow you to stand on the sofa with your shoes on."

If you manage to do this with sympathy, he will burst into tears. If you take disobedience personally and get angry, then you will not get tears, but you will get a fight. Hug the baby while he is crying, if he will let you. Don't talk too much, just let him know he's safe. If it explodes, don't forget that tears are immediately behind anger. He just needs to feel a little safer to let them out.

With calm condolences, you create a safe space. And also through your daily interaction, through the connection between you and empathy, during games and physical contact. We will talk about the latter in the next section.

I agree that hugs are not the only way to connect with a child and encourage him to cooperate. But, most likely, the most effective. Hugs help to restore the bond between you, the violation of which leads to disobedience, and thus help your child genuinely want to cooperate with you.

Hugs help to get rid of whims and anger, and feel safe so that the child can release his feelings that make him behave "badly". Hugs cannot replace your child's 24/7 support and the time you spend together, but at least nine hugs a day are necessary for him to develop and want to follow you.

So why not just try hugging more often?

Read more on the topic

How to correct a child's bad behavior

Often in the process of education, parents do not understand how to correct a child's bad behavior , and therefore apply their own wrong measures to resolve the issue. After all, a child will never change his behavior, especially when you scream, scold him, or even use physical force. Each child can change his behavior if he wants to, and parents can show this desire if they have knowledge and experience in this matter.

After all, the upbringing of children must be approached creatively and calmly. The mistake of parents is that they take this knowledge from those people who often do not understand this issue themselves and do not have experience, but still they advise you something, you apply their advice, and as a result, the problem remains unresolved. These people are your family, friends, acquaintances.

It's better to find the family that had the problem, and they, like you, didn't know how to fix the child's misbehavior , but still found good methods. If you do not want to waste time looking for such experienced families, then this article is for you. Psychologists have long studied family data and took the most effective and working methods that were used on those parents who still had this problem. Surprisingly, all the families who quickly applied the advice of psychologists solved this problem in just a few days. Therefore, if you want to achieve such a result, it is not easy to read the article, but also apply the knowledge gained to solve this problem.

Write down the reasons for your child's bad behavior

There are many reasons for bad behavior , but they do not play a special role for you. In order to understand how to correct your child's bad behavior, you need to study your child. Children are different and the reasons for their misbehavior are different. Of course, there are the most important and common causes of bad behavior in children: lack of sufficient attention from parents, lack of love, lack of what the child wanted to receive, lack of discipline, self-confidence, willpower, joy and happiness. Basically, children who have bad behavior are dissatisfied with what they have and what their parents present to them. You better not look at this list, but make your own. Study your child daily, and write down what causes your child to misbehave. Some parents and counselors will say that this is the nature and they will never fix the problem.

Does divorce affect a child's behavior

Psychologists have shown that it is divorce that changes a child's behavior. How to fix the child's bad behavior in this situation, you just need to prevent a divorce, which is not possible for many. There is no concrete evidence that divorce can create bad behavior. Since it has been observed that some children become calmer after a divorce, while others, on the contrary, show their bad behavior. The solution to the problem depends on the parents and their divorce. If you want to know and solve this problem in more detail, read the article: children after divorce, where there are specific recommendations in order to prevent divorce or make it minimally harmful to the child. The main thing is never to give up and solve all the problems that have arisen.

Create discipline in the family

Some parents misunderstand the word discipline and mean by it the use of physical force or severity. In fact, in order to correct a child's bad behavior, you need to come up with a discipline that the child himself wants to adhere to. For example, a child has a dream, if it does not exist, help the child find it. Explain to the child that in order to achieve his dreams, he needs to adhere to this discipline. You'd better write it down on a piece of paper in the form of daily tasks, rejection of something, and a schedule. So that the child himself can understand what you wrote, and independently adhere to this discipline. It is not necessary to give the child a large load and many tasks at first, as interest can quickly fade and you will not achieve anything and the child's misbehavior can become even worse.

Give your child a chance to achieve everything on their own

The most common cause of bad behavior in children is a lack of independence and self-confidence. Such children are used to the fact that their parents do everything for them and stop developing themselves. Stop doing these things, you will save a lot of your time and give your child a chance to develop independently and become better. Such children often become calmer, and they simply do not have time for stupidity and bad behavior. Do not solve the problems or mistakes of the child, let him try to solve them himself, and, as a last resort, help him with advice. Basically independent and confident children, becoming adults, achieve more in life than other children, for whom their parents did everything, and they just fooled around and showed bad behavior.

Where there are evil parents, there is also bad behavior

The energy that parents direct at their child has power. Often bad behavior of children is connected precisely with the anger of parents. They direct negative emotions to the child, and the child, being filled with this energy, does not know where to put it and shows even more bad behavior.

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