Mother in law jealous signs

15 Signs Your Mother in Law Is Jealous & How to Deal With It

Have you ever found yourself wondering: Why does my mother-in-law hate me? Or thinking, ‘I can’t stand my mother-in-law!’

If you have, you’re not alone.

Studies show that most people consider their relationship with their in-laws to be important. But, how do you maintain happy family relations when you start to see signs your mother-in-law is jealous of you?

The traits of a jealous mother-in-law are easy to find when you know what you’re looking for. Keep reading to learn the signs of a jealous mother-in-law and get tips on how to handle the stress.

Related Reading: Ways to Spot a Shady Future Mother-In-Law

What causes jealousy in mothers-in-law?

What causes signs your mother-in-law is jealous? Did you cause the traits of a jealous mother-in-law to come out?

Unless you were rude to her, odds are this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your mother-in-law’s bad attitude.

What caused the signs your mother-in-law is jealous? 

It could be…

  • Her son has stopped giving her attention since meeting/marrying you
  • She feels intimidated by you
  • She feels left out of her son’s life

It could also be that your mother-in-law simply hasn’t gotten the opportunity to know you very well.

Research shows that frequency of contact plays an important role in how peaceful your relationship with your in-laws is going to be.

Mothers and daughters-in-law must be allowed peaceful opportunities to get together in order to develop trust, as well as a certain degree of one-on-one time together in order to build an intimate friendship.

Related Reading: Lessons on How to Get Along with In-Laws

15 jealous mother-in-law signs

The following are listed fifteen conspicuous signs your mother-in-law is jealous of you. Knowing these signs can help you to assess and deal with the situation in the best way possible.

1. Two-faced attitude 

Your mother-in-law acts nice to your face but complains about you when you’re not around. She perplexes you with her two-faced attitude.

You find it difficult to confront her, because if you try to, she will act innocent and show that she likes you!

2. She criticizes everything you do 

Your poisonous mother-in-law believes anything you can do, she can do better. She tries to compete with you every now and then and shows that she is better than you.

Even if you try to do something good with all your genuineness, she will criticize you and point at your inadequacies.

3. Thankless behavior

Thankless behavior is one of the classic traits of a jealous mother-in-law. Whatever you do, eventually you can never expect appreciation from her.

She will be thankless and conveniently ignore your good deeds.

4. She never lets anything go

She holds grudges and never lets anything go. You would be surprised by the power of her memory!

She will remember petty things and cook up stories to show you and your spouse how you and your actions hurt her, and how saddened she is.

5. She compares you with your spouse’s ex

Signs your mother-in-law is jealous of you come out when she is always comparing you to or talking about your hubby’s ex-girlfriends.

She will deliberately try to talk about how happy your spouse was when he was with his ex-girlfriend or try to make you jealous by appreciating beauty or other things regarding his ex.

6. Mother in law acts like she is married to your husband

Your poisonous mother-in-law is always trying to take your place in your hubby’s life. 

This might sound too harsh, but it is one of the most commonly-observed signs your mother-in-law is jealous of you.

7. She goes out of her way to get her son’s attention

She goes out of her way to get her son’s attention, calling him constantly and coming over without asking. These are the traits of a jealous mother-in-law.

8. She constantly bad mouths you to your husband 

Mother in law jealous signs come out when she bad mouths you to your own husband.

9. She tells you how you should raise your children 

Jealous mother-in-law signs may involve interfering in your marriage, the way you function or being vocal about how you should raise your children.

She will try to find faults with your style of upbringing and maybe even compare you with how excellently she brought up her children.

10. She doesn’t respect your boundaries

Another one of the traits of a jealous mother-in-law? 

She doesn’t respect your boundaries. She doesn’t know where she has to stop. In the pursuit of putting you down, she might conveniently overstep her boundaries.

11. She displays passive-aggressive behavior 

Signs your mother-in-law is jealous often come out in sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior.

You might not be able to stop her bluntly as she might not say anything directly to you. She might instead prefer passive aggressive behavior to hurt you and save herself from the blame.

12. She is always meddling in your life 

Annoying mother-in-law is always meddling – Does your mother-in-law always cause drama in your marriage? Does she intervene in your personal matters? Does she opine about something that is nowhere related to her?

IF yes, this is yet another one of the jealous mother-in-law signs.

13. She excludes you from things  

One of the signs your mother-in-law is jealous is if she purposely doesn’t invite you to family events or perhaps invites you last minute.

She will even try to plan things just with your spouse and your kids and keep you out of it citing some illogical reason.

14. Mother-in-law always plays the victim 

 Your mother-in-law always finds a reason to be upset and uses it to try and get your husband on her side. She might even put up a false show of emotions and show how perturbed she is because of you or your actions.

Again, this is one of the most obvious signs your mother-in-law is jealous of you.

15. She’s always trying to take over 

You’ve organized a social event, yet she’s the one who’s starting to control everything from what you’re having for dinner to the games you play after!

She might eventually try to put you down and take all the credit for successfully hosting the event. She won’t even fall short of bragging about it for times to come!

Related Reading: How to Handle Your Over-Controlling Mother-In-Law

15 ways to deal with a jealous mother-in-law

Now that you know all the signs your mother-in-law is jealous, it’s time to take back your life and do something about your annoying mother-in-law.

Here are tips for dealing with jealous mother-in-law symptoms without stirring the pot.

1. Communicate with her

Communicating openly with your mother-in-law about any issues that have come between you can be a great way of smoothing over your relationship and starting fresh.

2. Develop empathy

A mother-in-law causing problems in marriage is hardly a new thing, but have you ever wondered why your MIL acts the way she does?

Having empathy for her and being able to see things from her perspective may shed some light on her bad behavior and help you navigate your sticky situation.

3. Help her transition

“Losing” a son to another woman can be a nightmare for some mothers.

Instead of lashing out and saying things like ‘my mother-in-law acts like she is married to my husband!’, help make the transition easier for her by finding ways to make her feel included.

For example, have your husband call her and ask if she could make one of his favorite desserts or ask for her advice on a matter.

4. Give her gifts

Jealous mother-in-law signs often stem from insecurities, so why not erase those insecurities by letting her know how much you both care?

Surprise her with little gifts and let her know that you were thinking about her.

5. Offer a helping hand

One way to take the venom out of your poisonous mother-in-law is by being helpful when you are around her.

If you are coming for dinner, offer to bring something like wine or a side dish and help her clean up after the meal is over. If she has an appointment to attend, offer her a ride or some company.

6. Take an interest in her life

Toxic traits of a jealous mother-in-law may stem from no longer feeling needed or relevant in her son’s life. Correct her thinking by asking her get-to-know-you questions. Ask her about how she grew up and what it was like raising her children.

She will no doubt appreciate your genuine interest in her life.

7. Compliment her

Dealing with mother-in-law issues doesn’t have to be so tough.

Have you tried being nice to her? Sometimes a simple compliment about her cooking, the way she keeps her house, or another one of her qualities may endear her to you.

8. Make time to see her

One of the traits of a jealous mother-in-law is if she keeps forcing herself on your family. Instead of letting her bombard your family plans, schedule time in to see her each week. This will make her feel more important to your family life and quell her urge to pop-in unannounced.

9. Avoid conflict

Conflict is one of the biggest traits of a jealous mother-in-law, so don’t participate. Avoid conflict by being patient and peaceable. She may back down when she sees you won’t take the bait.

Also, you can read some good books to learn some strategies to avoid conflict and improve your relationship with laws.

10. Talk to your partner

Dealing with a difficult mother-in-law puts you in an awkward position because it forces your husband to pick sides. 

However, the only way to deal with a poisonous mother-in-law is to communicate with your husband about how you feel and have him speak on your family’s behalf.

11. Create healthy boundaries

Feeling that ‘my mother-in-law acts like she is married to my husband’ can be unnerving. You and your husband can undo this unnerving feeling by going to your MIL and creating healthy boundaries that she needs to stick to.

12. Ignore her bad behavior

A poisonous mother-in-law’s bad behavior can get you riled up, but it’s important not to let her know that she has bothered you.

Keep a good poker face and act like nothing in the world can rattle your happy life – not even an annoying mother-in-law.

13. Schedule your children’s playtime with your mother in law

Do you have children? If so, forcing herself into family time is yet another trait of a jealous mother-in-law.

Instead of allowing problems with mother in-laws to affect your time with your children, schedule specific days where the kids can go and play at grandma’s.

14. Speak up when enough is enough

If you’ve tried to deal with a jealous mother-in-law by staying quiet and peaceable, and it still isn’t working, it’s time to throw in the towel.

There’s a difference between being polite and letting your MIL walk all over you. Speak up when you feel disrespected, and don’t let her get away with disrespectful behavior.

15. Move away

A mother-in-law ruining marriage happiness is not something that should be tolerated.

Studies suggest that the quality of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship affects a woman’s well-being and the quality of her other relationships in life.

If a wife is unhappy and she and her husband are on the same page about the poisonous mother-in-law, it may be time to move away or cut ties with her for some time.

Related Reading: Ways To Deal With A Manipulative Mother-In-Law


Are you sure that your mother-in-law hates you, or are you just being paranoid?

Signs your mother in law is jealous include:

  •  Constant criticism
  • Comparing you to your husband’s former girlfriends
  • Excluding you from family events
  • No respect for boundaries

If you find yourself thinking that your mother-in-law acts like ‘she is married to my husband’, then you’re not alone. Many women have gone through the same issue and have learned to deal with an overbearing mother-in-law.

Avoid making conflict with your poisonous mother-in-law. Instead, learn to develop empathy and make time for her in your family.

If this doesn’t work, try ignoring the signs your mother-in-law is jealous.

Talk to your husband about his mother’s behavior, and don’t be afraid to have him speak up and create healthy boundaries between your families.

Follow these tips for dealing with a difficult mother in law, and you may just smooth things over and save yourself one big headache.

Also Watch:

17 Telltale Signs Your Mother-In-Law Is Jealous Of You

If she is ungrateful and sore, try to talk to her and understand her concerns.

Image: Shutterstock

If you’ve been wondering lately whether your mother-in-law is jealous of you, there are ways to find out. In many joint families, where newlyweds live with the spouse’s parents, conflicts may arise from time to time. You may not get along too spiffingly with your mother-in-law, and one of the reasons for that might be the feeling that she has lost her son to you.

Most mothers are overly attached to their children. These feelings may sometimes be projected on you, making you feel uncomfortable and uncared for in your home.

Thankfully, there are ways to resolve these issues. Below, we discuss the signs that your mother-in-law is jealous of you, followed by suggestions for tackling the problem.

17 Signs Your Mother-In-Law Is Jealous Of You

You’re probably feeling it already, but you’re not entirely sure. So here are some signs that your mother-in-law is jealous of you.

1. She speaks ill about you

Image: iStock

You believe you have a close relationship with your mother-in-law until you discover that she has been gossiping about you behind your back to your husband and other family members. Her behavior will perplex you because she will be sugary sweet with you both in your presence and your absence. You can discuss it with your spouse, but never confront her about it, as she may react negatively.

Related: 100 Best Positive Quotes About Mother-In-Law

2. She is ungrateful

You may do several things to help your mother-in-law in an attempt to win her over, but she may not acknowledge any of them. Instead, she may ignore you and dismiss your sincere efforts as a ploy to gain attention. She may even seek your assistance at times, but she may discard you once the work is completed and not even thank you for your help.

3. She strives to keep her command intact

Your mother-in-law is probably used to running the house or doing things her way. She may not want to lose her power over her family so that she may meddle in your relationship matters. She will expect you to keep her informed about everything that happens in the house. She will ensure that her opinion is sought in all major and minor decisions.

4. She ruins your plans

Image: iStock

To throw a wrench in your plans, she will purposefully miss the family gatherings that you have organized. Or she could throw her party and invite her son, asking him to choose one of you. It is her way of testing her son’s loyalty while demonstrating to you that she is still more important to her son.

Quick tip

If your mother-in-law asks her son to make a choice, you can tell him to opt for his mother. This way, your mother-in-law is happy, and you, too, are satisfied that your husband considers your opinion before making a choice.

5. She gives you the cold shoulder

She may ignore you or act indifferent to you to make you react negatively to her. When her cold behavior bothers you, and you respond to it, she has an opportunity to prove that you are a horrible person for misbehaving with your mother-in-law. Her deception will be subtle because she does not want to look bad in front of her people.

6. She plays the victim

She will cry about being on the receiving end of your bad behavior. She may pretend to be sad to express her displeasure with your behavior. Anything you do will be used against you. In her opinion, she is the victim of all your actions and even reactions.

Related: I Hate My Mother-In-Law: 12 Reasons And How To Stop It

7. She holds grudges

She will taunt you, seemingly forever, if you make a bad or miscalculated move. She will mock you for being cruel to her and causing her immense pain. She may use demeaning and derogatory words against you, but the moment you protest, you become a bad person because she will remind you of your disrespectful behavior.

8. She refrains from talking directly to you

Image: iStock

If giving you the cold shoulder isn’t enough, she may choose to ignore you and avoid direct communication with you. For example, she may contact you through your partner or another family member but will not contact you directly. This is her way of emphasizing your insignificance in the family.

Do remember

If your mother-in-law chooses to ignore you, do not mind; rather, be glad you do not have to interact with a negative person.

9. She compares you with other daughters-in-law

To get under your skin, she may constantly compare you with her friends and relatives’ daughters-in-law and emphasize how much you may lack as a person. She might even compare you with your partner’s ex-girlfriend, implying that he was happier with her than he appears now.

Related: 12 Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law And How To Deal With Her

10. She creates differences between your partner and you

She may be so desperate to reclaim her son that she attempts to sabotage your relationship with your partner. She may say or do things that cause misunderstanding between you and your partner. When confronted, she will swear her innocence and deny any wrongdoing. In such a situation, it is critical to have clear communication with your partner.

11. She shows no respect for your personal boundaries

She may disregard your boundaries to push you over the edge. For example, she may show up unannounced at your house, make fun of your habits in front of others, and so on. To prevent her from doing so, you must express your displeasure with her inconsiderate behavior. If necessary, consult with your partner and have him explain why her behavior is inappropriate.

12. She demands her son’s attention

Your mother-in-law may be so desperate to be by your partner’s side that she will go out of the way to gain his attention. For example, she may call him at work, prepare his favorite food without informing you, and visit him at work or home without informing him. This is her way of drawing her son’s attention.

13. She lectures you on how to raise your kids

Image: iStock

You may be the most loving and caring mother to your children, but your jealous mother-in-law will disagree. She will meddle in your family matters and frequently lecture you on how to raise children. She will thoroughly chastise you for even the slightest error and will offer unsolicited advice on how to raise children.

14. She over-criticizes you

Your jealous mother-in-law will always find flaws in you, no matter what you do or how you do it. She will try to belittle you in front of your partner or even in private. It is her way of demonstrating how bad you are for her son and how she is the best person concerned about his well-being.

15. She excludes you from family affairs

Image: iStock

If she plans any family gatherings, she will purposefully keep you in the dark or may inform you at the last minute to make it inconvenient for you to attend. She will keep her son informed in advance, but not you. Even if there is a change in plan, she may pretend to forget to inform you.

16. She tries to turn your kids against you

If your children start behaving weirdly with you each time they return home after visiting their grandmother, she is probably speaking negatively about you to them. Try to talk to her if this is the case. But, unfortunately, such tricks have the potential to impair and confuse a child’s mind.

17. She shows you no respect

A mother-in-law who despises you is jealous of you for taking her son away from her. The more you interact with her, the more you may feel disliked by her. She may or may not be subtle about it, but you eventually recognize her disrespectful behavior towards you.

15 Ways To Deal With A Jealous Mother-in-law

If you’ve noticed any of the above signs, you’re probably wondering how to deal with a jealous mother-in-law. Here are some strategies for dealing with a jealous mother-in-law.

1. Talk with her

The first thing you can do to reduce the tension between you and your mother-in-law is to speak with her. Sit down with her and explain how her behavior affects you. Perhaps she is acting out of concern for her son and is unaware that her actions bother you. However, if you tell her calmly and respectfully, she may consider your feelings the next time she acts possessively toward her son.

Related: 23+ Sweet And Beautiful Poems For A Mother-In-Law

2. Talk to your partner

Any conflict between your mother-in-law and you can cause tension for your partner because he will be unsure how to reconcile the two critical people in his life. Try to talk to him and see if he can tell his mother and family how you feel. However, it would be cruel to force him to choose sides.

3. Empathize with her

Your mother-in-law may be behaving erratically, but instead of dismissing her, try to understand her. When you put yourself in her shoes, you see life through her eyes and understand why she does what she does. Once you know her feelings, you are better positioned to understand the situation and deal with her.

Point to ponder

No matter how much hatred she throws your way, you only offer her warmth, at least for your husband’s sake. This might eventually make her realize and reform.

4. Ensure she does not feel insecure

One of the primary reasons your mother-in-law may be cold to you is that she is insecure. You are the object of her son’s affection, and she lost her place in his life. Acknowledge the deep bond between your partner and his mother. Assure her that her significance in his life has not diminished. Try to explain that you are another person on his side to love and support him.

5. Create boundaries

You can talk to your partner and his mother to create healthy boundaries to make it easier to maintain the relationship. Ensure the boundaries are set so that she does not feel threatened by her son’s new relationship. You must safeguard your relationship and interests, but not by isolating your partner from his mother.

6. Spend time with her

Perhaps your mother-in-law does not know you well enough to warm up to you easily. Why not spend some time with her? Talk with her. Tell her about yourself and get to know her. She might not feel threatened by you if she knows you better. And if she starts liking you, your life will be so much easier.

7. Show interest in her

Try to be interested in her life without being over-friendly. If your mother-in-law is a community or group member, stay up to date on its activities. Call her now and then to see how things are going. If she ever needs your advice or opinion, be there willingly and happily. Make yourself a part of her life, and she will become a part of yours.

8. Have your kids spend time with her

If you have children, make time for them to spend with their grandmother. It can be weekly or monthly, or yearly. You may or may not like her, but you should not keep your children away from their grandmother. Instead, ensure that they form their bond with their grandmother.

9. Praise her

Some women love being flattered, and acknowledgment and praise are the best ways to win their hearts. If your mother-in-law excels at something, such as cooking or public speaking, make it a point to compliment her on it. Tell her how much you value her hard work and dedication to a cause.

10. Spoil her with gifts

You can try surprising your mother-in-law with thoughtful gifts to keep your relationship with her cordial. For example, you can get her a gift when you return from vacation. Alternatively, if she mentions buying something for herself, get it for her without being asked. Then when she sees how much you care for her, she may start appreciating you.

11. Offer to help her

Helping your mother-in-law whenever you visit her is one way to earn a place in her heart. For example, if you’re going to her house for lunch or dinner, offer assistance serving or clearing dishes. Bring wine or a dessert, so she doesn’t have to make all the arrangements. Ask her where she needs help and do it promptly.

Related: 85 Best Thank You Messages For Mother-In-Law

12. Speak up for yourself

If, after trying everything to be good to your mother-in-law, she still does not change her behavior, then put your foot down and stop allowing her to disrespect you. However, there could be times when she puts your patience to the test and acts irrationally. In such a scenario, express your displeasure. Don’t let her take advantage of your adaptability.

13. Avoid arguments

While you may be able to speak up for yourself, avoid arguing with her in any way. She may try to push you, but try to remain calm as much as possible. Do not fall for her ploys and react the way she wants you to. Instead, do the opposite.

14. Keep a healthy distance

If you believe there is nothing else you can do to make her like you, you should keep your distance from her. Do not prevent your partner or children from seeing her. However, keep your interactions with her to a minimum.

15. Try to ignore her behavior

This one is easier said than done, but give it a shot. Even if you have limited your interaction with your mother-in-law, she may still try to annoy you. Ignore her jibes and cold demeanor, if possible. Tell yourself that you have to put up with it for a short time and that you can do it without getting upset.

1. What are the reasons for my mother-in-law to be jealous of me?

Your mother-in-law may be jealous of you if she is insecure about your presence and thinks you will replace her eventually. Your better education and husband’s support may also make her feel left out. She may also be resentful because her hidden desires and unfulfilled wishes were sacrificed to take care of the family. Moreover, society may also influence her thoughts and create negativity.

2. Can a jealous mother-in-law cause a divorce?

No, the attitude of your mother-in-law alone might not cause a divorce. The important point here is to decide how this negativity is influencing you. Before making a sudden move, evaluate the situation, understand why your mother-in-law behaves this way, and how you can deal with the situation. Also, stop worrying about your in-law’s attitude and focus on yourself and your marriage.

There’s a chance your mother-in-law is jealous of you if she treats you with hostility and disrespect, constantly gossips about you, compares and criticizes you, and tries to create differences in your relationship with your spouse. Her jealousy might result from her fear of losing her son and the home authority to you. If you suspect your mother-in-law is envious, attempt to talk to her, spend time with her, sympathize with her, and offer to help. If you still don’t see a change in her attitude, speak up and convey your unhappiness without arguing, and maintain a healthy distance from her.

Key Pointers

  • Your relationship with your mother-in-law is delicate and may not always be cordial.
  • Acting indifferent to you and constantly comparing you with other daughters-in-law are a few signs indicating your mother-in-law is jealous of you.
  • Talking to her and keeping a healthy distance can help improve the equation.

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The mother-in-law is jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law signs - Relationships

The relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law is an inexhaustible topic that can be talked about for a long time. These two women love the same man, but with different love, and, it would seem, this should bring them closer. However, sometimes it comes to the point of absurdity - an elderly mother begins to be jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law, perceives her as a rival. What are the reasons for this behaviour? How far can the conflict go? What is the bride to do?

Causes of mother-in-law's maternal jealousy

Maternal jealousy towards a daughter-in-law is, in principle, understandable. There are many reasons for it:

  1. Heightened emotionality. Many women, in general, live more with emotions, with their hearts, than with their minds. And subconsciously, it is difficult for the mother-in-law to reconcile that the most precious thing was “taken away” from her. It seems to her that her son will now love her less, will forget.
  2. Even if the man was not a sissy, one way or another, the mother still influenced his behavior (or believed that she did). Now, the beloved child passes into the "possession" of the daughter-in-law - and this is perceived painfully. nine0012
  3. Before her son's marriage, his mother was the most important woman in his life, but now everything has changed. The newly minted mother-in-law subconsciously does not want to lose this status.
  4. In the depths of her soul, any mother is worried about whether her son is healthy, whether he is well fed, dressed.
  5. Many mothers perceive their child as part of their whole life. They need constant nourishment in the form of care and attention. If a woman is already retired, she lacks emotions, but there is a lot of time for reflection, “winding up” unnecessary thoughts. nine0012

Along with these standard reasons that cause maternal jealousy, there are situations that are especially favorable for the manifestation of this feeling: When he marries, the woman feels lonely, abandoned, a void forms in her soul, which is filled with jealousy. Often there is anger at the daughter-in-law, because she "took away" her son.

  • The mother brought up her son in an authoritarian style, suppressed his will, did not perceive him as a person, and solved all vital issues for him. In general, it is very problematic for such men to find a life partner. If this happens, then the daughter-in-law comes across, as a rule, domineering (the second “mother”, who subjugates her husband). Naturally, the mother-in-law is indignant, begins to be jealous. nine0012
  • The son was the only adored child in the family. Mom and dad gave him all their love, spoiled him in every way. To the same extent, the mother-in-law wants to show her feelings after the wedding, interfering in the relations of a young family, because his wife will never be able to love her husband like her mother.
  • Mother initially extols the virtues of her son, considers him the best. Naturally, no girl will be worthy of such a “treasure”, and the mother-in-law will become jealous of any daughter-in-law. nine0012
  • Initially, the mother-in-law was close to the daughter-in-law (she assured her that she always wanted to have a daughter). A trusting young woman begins to build relationships with her husband's mother, by analogy with her mother. They have confidential conversations. But one day the “daughter” begins to be too frank about her husband: she complains about his shortcomings, which she would like to correct. And here the idyll ends: the daughter-in-law dared to take a swing at the sacred, because the mother believes that she raised her son perfectly. The daughter-in-law becomes unlucky, unworthy of her husband, the mother-in-law becomes jealous. nine0012
  • The son got married very early. Mom just hasn't had time to tune in to such "rearrangements" in the family (as happens with women who, on the contrary, dream of marrying their child who has stayed too long in bachelors). As a result, the mother-in-law is jealous of the daughter-in-law (for example, because of her, the son went to work, and did not enter the institute for a full-time department).
  • The son had a hasty marriage. There was no long period of courtship, when the future wife was introduced to the parents, etc. As a result, the mother did not have the opportunity to take a closer look at the future daughter-in-law, get used to the idea that her son would have his own family. nine0007 The mother-in-law, therefore, initially feels negative towards the “suspicious” daughter-in-law, in her eyes she “overgrown” with shortcomings.

  • Video: why a mother-in-law can be jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law (psychologist's view)

    Practicing psychologist-consultant N. E. Alenina explains that a daughter-in-law, in principle, should treat her mother-in-law's jealousy with understanding. After all, many reasons contribute to this. In such a situation, there is a share of responsibility for the son: he must gradually separate (emotionally separate) from his mother, and not make a sharp “leap” from the parental home to marriage. nine0003

    Manifestations of jealousy

    Manifestations of maternal jealousy can be obvious or disguised:

    1. A mother who lives separately constantly calls her son to her, referring to poor health, requests to help with the housework. And instead of devoting time to his family in the evening, the man is forced to go to help his mother every day.
    2. The mother-in-law criticizes the daughter-in-law's ability to manage the household: in the apartment of the young people she constantly points out the mess, the dishes that the daughter-in-law prepares are tasteless. The mother is dissatisfied with the appearance of the daughter-in-law, her habits, does not miss the opportunity to notice, for example, that her son's clothes are poorly ironed. An elderly woman does not understand that for the first time in the life of a young family, romance prevails and the spouses simply do not pay attention to household trifles. nine0012
    3. Even if the daughter-in-law is perfect in all respects (a wonderful housewife and mother, she never quarrels with her husband, etc. ), then the mother-in-law will always find something to reproach her with inadvertently. For example, “My daughter doesn’t spend so much money on cosmetics”, “Here you get a little, and my friend’s daughter already has her own business at the age of 25”, “It’s good for you to relax on maternity leave, and many sit at home with the child and earn in the Internet."
    4. The mother-in-law shows obvious dissatisfaction when her son shows tenderness to his wife in front of her (hugs her, etc.). nine0012
    5. If a quarrel arises between young spouses, the husband's mother always takes his side, even if the man is clearly wrong.

    How to "tune" the husband-wife-mother-in-law relationship in the early years of marriage

    If the causes of maternal jealousy are fairly standard, then an elderly woman often copes with negative feelings on her own. This happens in the early years of the son's marriage. Much here depends on the common sense of the mother-in-law, her prudence. Of course, the position of the daughter-in-law is also very important. The following recommendations can be given to a young wife:

    1. Try to understand the feelings of the mother-in-law, not to cultivate reciprocal jealousy. There is no need to prove to the husband that the wife is better (more important, more important) than the mother. She will never replace the woman she loves, just as a spouse will never replace her own mother. They are just two completely different functions.
    2. You should never discuss your relationship with your husband with your mother-in-law (and with anyone in general). This will not solve the problem, and useless advice can only hurt. It is worth remembering: for a mother, her son always remains the best. nine0007 By the way, if a mother complains about her son, there is no need to develop this topic and complain in response: perhaps the woman is just checking her daughter-in-law.
    3. Similarly, one should not discuss the mother-in-law with anyone. The secret always becomes clear, and there are a lot of “kind” people who are ready to convey other people's negative words.
    4. In the presence of the husband's mother, young spouses should not show too much their tender feelings for each other (tightly hug, kiss passionately). After all, there is plenty of time when you can be alone. nine0012
    5. If an elderly woman is lonely, it is worth visiting her more often, especially if you already have grandchildren. So she will understand that her son has not abandoned her, on the contrary, there are more people who pay attention to her. In addition, the daughter-in-law can once again call her mother-in-law, ask about her affairs, ask for advice on some economic issues (they are not at all necessary to fulfill, the main thing is to show the woman that she is needed, her life experience is in demand).
    6. When the mother-in-law invites her daughter-in-law to tea, cafes or shopping, do not refuse, referring to employment. Such events are very important for establishing friendly relations. nine0012

    Of course, the young family must live separately. This is the only way to build normal relationships, including with the mother-in-law. Otherwise, these problems associated with maternal jealousy can only get worse.

    What to do if jealousy is pathological

    Of course, it's wonderful if maternal jealousy disappears in the first years of a young family (not without the daughter-in-law's tactful behavior). However, in some cases this feeling becomes pathological, when the mother-in-law does not want reconciliation, deliberately provokes conflicts with her daughter-in-law, pursuing the obvious goal of destroying her son's marriage. nine0008 An elderly woman constantly slanders him about his wife, does not hide her disdain for her in personal meetings, speaks negatively about her daughter-in-law in a conversation with strangers.

    If such a situation has developed, it is difficult to give universal advice, because relationships here are made up of the behavior of three people (wife and mother-in-law), and much depends on the position of the husband. General recommendations for the daughter-in-law will be as follows.

    Discuss the problem with your husband

    Of course, in most cases, sons guess about the whims of their mother. However, there are those who are completely ignorant, not noticing the obvious things. Therefore, the wife should speak frankly with her husband about the behavior of his mother. nine0007 Moreover, such a conversation should be built not on emotions, but on specific facts (not to go too far, not to exaggerate, but to tell what really is).

    In a normal marriage, the husband should take the side of his wife, fully support her. After all, this is the only way to save the family, which the mother-in-law seeks to destroy so much.

    A frank conversation for all three

    Of course, the best civilized attempt to resolve the current conflict would be a frank conversation in which all three participate. nine0007 It is necessary to clearly explain to the mother-in-law that the choice of the son must be respected, that he is an adult self-sufficient person, happy in marriage. And if she wants a normal relationship (especially if she has grandchildren whom her grandmother loves), then she needs to reconsider her position.

    The topic of emotional blackmail of the mother-in-law (with her imaginary illnesses, constant far-fetched requests for help) should also be touched upon. The son must explain to his mother that he is grateful that she raised him, raised him, taught him. But now he must fulfill his duty to his family. Of course, children should pay attention to elderly parents, but only they decide how to exercise this care. nine0003

    Of course, it is the son who should say all these important words to the mother. After all, if the daughter-in-law speaks, and the beloved son simply remains silent, distantly averting his eyes to the side, the mother-in-law will take up arms against the young woman even more, and the problem will only get worse.

    In no case should a daughter-in-law humiliate herself, prove how good she is. After all, it is clear that her mother-in-law will sincerely not love her. Therefore, you need to behave with restraint politely.

    Do not respond to an older woman's attacks

    If, after a frank conversation, a mother gives her son a promise to change, but she herself continues her line (it's just not too obvious now), the daughter-in-law must come to terms that there will no longer be good relations with her mother-in-law. You just need to ignore her words, remarks, minimize personal communication, talk on the phone only on business. After all, the main thing for a young wife is to be happy in marriage, you don't need to let your mother-in-law influence your mood. Of course, it's difficult, but it's worth a try (with time, many succeed). nine0003

    For example, if the husband's mother calls her daughter-in-law and begins to pester her with moralizing, you need to answer with a phrase on duty and end the conversation, referring to being busy (you need to cook food for your beloved husband).

    Open confrontation

    This is a radical method, which is resorted to in extreme cases, but here it is important that the husband fully supports his wife, takes her side. If no reasonable arguments act on his mother, and she continues her aggressive policy of destroying her son's marriage, then the spouses must tell the mother-in-law that they stop communicating with her, any relationship. nine0003

    If the husband is on the mother's side

    Of course, in the case of maternal jealousy, the husband does not always defend his wife. If a man is rather infantile (sissy), then he probably will not dare to have a frank conversation, and even more so to a conflict with his mother. He takes the negative words of his mother-in-law about his wife seriously, because he is used to trusting his mother unconditionally (she will not advise bad things). In such a situation, the family is doomed to destruction.

    Such a person will most likely remain lonely in the future. Of course, there is an option that a “knowledgeable” mother will find him a suitable, in her opinion, chosen one, but this is very doubtful. After all, the mother-in-law intends to remain the only main woman in her son's life. nine0003


    Maternal jealousy for a daughter-in-law is, in principle, a normal phenomenon, as long as it does not go beyond reasonable limits. This feeling most often manifests itself in the early years of the marriage of a beloved son, but over time everything usually returns to normal. Sometimes, however, the rivalry with a young wife only intensifies over the years, takes on a pathological character. And if the daughter-in-law does not take the right position, this is fraught with serious problems, including the breakup of the family.


    Why is a mother jealous of a small child for a grandmother?

    • The child finds in the face of his grandmother a friend, helper, someone who understands him;
    • Mom goes to work, and at this time the mother of the spouse is engaged in raising the child - and she is able to give a lot of love and affection to the child;
    • The child is happy in the company of a grandmother, she knows how to find an approach to the baby.

    The difference between maternal jealousy and jealousy in general is that a woman is afraid of losing her invisible connection with her child, affection, reciprocity. And even if not every woman entrusts the upbringing of a child to her own mother, then the husband’s mother is even more so: the more the mother is jealous of her daughter (of any age) for her mother-in-law. nine0003

    In this case, when the mother-in-law takes care of the child, looks after him during the mother’s working day, the woman’s jealousy can be extremely acute: after all, she does not see with her own eyes everything that happens in her absence, she does not have time to observe the first successes and disappointments of the crumbs .

    • The child finds in the face of his grandmother a friend, helper, someone who understands him;
    • Mom goes to work, and at this time the mother of the spouse is engaged in raising the child - and she is able to give a lot of love and affection to the child; nine0012
    • The child is happy in the company of a grandmother, she knows how to find an approach to the baby.
    • It is easier for a younger woman to adapt to the authority of an older woman and adopt parental experience. But to silently endure words and actions that clearly undermine the authority of parents means to further break the connection with the child.
    • Let the spouse show himself actively: talk to his mother, thank her and tactfully find out what the parents are doing wrong. Hinting at the same time that it would be nice not to talk about their shortcomings in front of a child. nine0012
    • Perhaps the mother-in-law is very tired with the baby, but does not want to admit it. Alternatively, the family may decide to have the child attend a preschool or development group for half a day, and then the grandmother will walk and play with him. Then the grandmother will rest, and the child will receive the necessary communication with peers.
    • — It is useful for the younger generation to adopt the experience of a grandmother: how she can persuade or calm a baby, feed him healthy food and ask him to put away toys. nine0012
    • No matter how young parents act, do not forget that after a while they also have to become grandparents. And if they criticize their mother-in-law (or mother-in-law) in front of their grandchildren, quarrel or get angry, then they are likely to meet all this from their children when they become adults. As the saying goes, don't dig yourself a hole.

    Passion for child and developmental psychology will be an absolute help for parents. Even in time pressure, you can find 20 minutes a day to study the behavior of children and elders. Over time, theoretical knowledge will help in practice. nine0003

    And one more thing. No matter how attached a son or daughter is to a grandmother, no one can replace a mother. Let mothers repeat this to themselves more often, behave confidently and lovingly, and then the problem of jealousy towards any of their relatives will disturb them minimally.

    Conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, as well as between son-in-law and mother-in-law, are as old as the world. Two women love the same man, but with different loves. An adult woman does not want to give in to a young woman, goes on about her character, and a young woman does not want to understand her. nine0003

    What to do with the jealousy of the mother-in-law?

    According to the psychological types, mothers-in-law can be conditionally divided into four groups. Each group has its own methods of reconciliation.

    • It is easier for a younger woman to adapt to the authority of an older woman and adopt parental experience. But to silently endure words and actions that clearly undermine the authority of parents means to further break the connection with the child.
    • Let the spouse show himself actively: talk to his mother, thank her and tactfully find out what the parents are doing wrong. Hinting at the same time that it would be nice not to talk about their shortcomings in front of a child. nine0012
    • Perhaps the mother-in-law is very tired with the baby, but does not want to admit it. Alternatively, the family may decide to have the child attend a preschool or development group for half a day, and then the grandmother will walk and play with him. Then the grandmother will rest, and the child will receive the necessary communication with peers.
    • — It is useful for the younger generation to adopt the experience of a grandmother: how she can persuade or calm the baby, feed him healthy food and ask him to put away toys. nine0012
    • Whatever young parents do, do not forget that after a while they will also become grandparents. And if they criticize their mother-in-law (or mother-in-law) in front of their grandchildren, quarrel or get angry, then they are likely to meet all this from their children when they become adults. As the saying goes, don't dig yourself a hole.

    If the mother-in-law is domineering

    This type of women who consider their husband and children their property. As soon as you get into the house of such a woman, you will immediately understand "who is the boss in the house. " As a rule, the result of her rule is henpecked husbands and sissies. nine0003

    Naturally, she perceives her daughter-in-law as a thief who stole her property – her son – from her.

    In order to maintain peace in the family, it is better to visit your mother-in-law at home as little as possible; It is best to invite the mother-in-law to visit. On foreign territory, she will not feel so confident.

    Causes of individual conflicts

    “…When we were not yet married, my future husband's mother constantly let me know that she was unhappy with her son's choice. And when we got married ... It feels like she visits us only to discover all my shortcomings. I am too quick-tempered, capricious, touchy, inattentive, not hardworking, I do not know how to manage the household. In her opinion, I do not have a single positive quality. nine0003

    To a greater or lesser extent, everyone faces a critical attitude towards themselves from the parents of a husband or wife. This is absolutely normal. Parents love their children and tend to exaggerate their virtues. This is especially noticeable when the children are small. Try, for example, asking the question: “How is the baby?

    » mother of a one year old child, and for the next hour you will be listening to a story about the most wonderful, beautiful, sweet, intelligent creature in the world. When a child grows up, the opinion of parents changes, but not too much: there is always an excuse for bad deeds, and parents regard all good traits as their merit - “our upbringing”. nine0003

    On the other hand, the cause of discontent and criticism is simple jealousy. Everyone understands that children will leave the family sooner or later, but still this departure is a loss for parents.

    Why does the mother react so sharply to changes in the family? After all, the father of the husband, as a rule, is much less likely to show dissatisfaction, although the reasons for them are the same. The fact is that women are by nature more emotional and live more with feelings than with reason. Often they themselves know that they are overly strict and picky, and even understand why, but they cannot do anything with themselves, or rather, with their emotions. nine0008

    “I feel very hurt,” says Vera Petrovna, “when I see that I mean much less to Seryozha than before. We had such a good relationship, he always told me and dad everything, we knew all his friends. In principle, now he also communicates with us, but in a different way. He will run for half an hour and even during this time he will call home twice.

    There is another reason - biological. The point is the hormonal changes that occur in a woman's body around the time when her adult children create their own families. Menopause, in fact, is not a disease, but, nevertheless, has a significant impact on all body systems. Changes can affect both character traits and moods. nine0003

    Irritability, irascibility, excessive emotionality affect relationships not in the best way, but this is one of the features of the climacteric period, which a woman cannot always cope with. In addition, many women (according to various estimates, from 65 to 80%) endure this period quite hard and psychologically, perceiving it as impending old age.

    And all the confirmations of this: changes in the figure, wrinkles on the face, weakening of attention from the partner - are sometimes perceived very painfully. You find yourself guilty without guilt, being another reminder of your age for your mother-in-law. After all, now your mother-in-law is not only a mother, she is already almost a grandmother. This thought pleases someone, and someone simply plunges into shock. nine0003

    Maria Nikolaevna, 52 years old: “Somehow, after my son’s wedding, a friend came to me, we recalled our student years, talked about everything and came to the conclusion that all the events of our life had already happened and all that remains for us is to live life their children. Of course, age is natural, but it’s very sad to realize it and it’s hard to get used to it.

    In the theater where I work, the next season I was offered the role of old ladies. The doctor said: "At your age, the pressure should be like this." It feels like everyone is deliberately spoiling my mood. And my son and his wife gave me a simulator for my birthday. Surely, this is her idea - Ani. My son would never have thought of such a gift. What did she mean by that? Yes, five years ago I had a better figure than she has now. nine0008

    Of course, not everyone perceives the changes so tragically. In the countries of the East, where age itself is a value, women generally endure menopause much easier and even find a lot of advantages in their new condition. And the West is focused on youth, vivacity and activity, and adaptation to a new life stage is more difficult.

    There is a point of view that the choice of a partner occurs in the image and likeness of the parents. The girl is looking for a husband who resembles her father, and the young man seeks to find a wife with the features of his mother. But this does not mean that the similarity should be absolute. It may be some kind of character trait, or a manner of laughing, or something completely elusive, which is even impossible to see with the “naked eye”. However, everyone has their own role. And the role of a mother is different from that of a wife. nine0003

    But, if everything is so natural and logical, why are there families where people maintain good relations with the parents of the husband and wife, and, on the contrary, there are families in which conflicts practically do not subside? Is it possible to guess what behavior to expect from the husband's mother, and to be, as they say, ready? And what generally affects the qualities of a woman as a mother-in-law?

    Of course, character traits. Women who are powerful, principled, striving to feel their leadership in any situation, are more likely to, if not demand total submission, then persistently impose their own rules in a new family. nine0003

    Living conditions will have a big impact on your relationship, and this does not only mean living together or apart. In addition to sufficient living space, a person needs to structure time. Simply put, he needs to do something, somehow realize his energy. If your mother-in-law works and, in addition, has a lot of hobbies, then it is unlikely that she will, when she comes to you, control the quality of washing.

    The established relationship between mother and son is also important. An unfavorable factor may be the mother's excessive attachment to her son, when he was the only meaning and only love throughout her life. Usually this is a late child, very desirable, or a child who was left without a father early, and the mother “sacrificed everything for him.” nine0003

    “I gave birth to my only son at the age of 40,” says Marina Viktorovna. - Shortly after his birth, we were left alone: ​​his father left us and went to a young woman. I got three jobs so that the child would be no worse than others. She never got married, although she was offered, also for the sake of her son. I thought that he would grow up and take care of me too, and that when he got married, he would bring his wife to us and I would nurse the baby.

    Another type of upbringing that is unfavorable for adult family relationships is hyperprotection, when the child is constantly told what to do, with whom to be friends, and at the same time they leave no choice, punishing disobedience. Growing up, the son of such parents still remains under their pressure. He gets the profession that his parents have chosen, and sometimes he marries only after his parents approve the "candidacy" of the bride. nine0008

    Svetlana Gennadievna, 54 years old: “My son Slava always obeyed me: he knew that I wanted only the best for him. I bought him clothes myself, because he does not understand things and is completely devoid of taste. He only ate what I cooked. We went to the theater together: I teach world art culture and I know what is really worth watching and what is not.

    I thought that when he got married, he would also listen to my opinion. But it was not there! No wonder they say: "Marry - change." Now my boy is unrecognizable. He dresses badly: he walks in the same dirty jeans, as they say, both in a feast and in the world. The daughter-in-law does not care to remind him of clean clothes. nine0003

    I haven't been to the Slava Theater for a year now. They eat anything: for the New Year I bought a goose in the market for them. She brought it, and the daughter-in-law says: “What are you, he is so high-calorie! We will not have hot dishes at all on the New Year's table - only seafood appetizers. And what is a holiday without hot food? Now I have stopped going to them altogether: let them live as they want. But the resentment remained…”

    So, there are enough problems in the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. You are convinced of this. So the question is "what to do?" remains relevant. There may be several answers to it, depending on the specific situation. But this is a topic for a separate discussion. And it will certainly be given due attention, and in the very near future. nine0003

    Svetlana Ievleva, clinical psychologist

    Disapproves of her son's choice, believing that he deserves better;

    Turns his son against his wife;

    Humiliates daughter-in-law in front of children;

    Criticizes daughter-in-law's tastes;

    Speak unflatteringly about her daughter-in-law behind her back;

    Interferes with son's family life and upbringing of grandchildren;

    During quarrels between son and daughter-in-law, he always takes the son's side, even if he is wrong. nine0003

    Criticizes mother-in-law's advice and actions;

    Turns her husband against his parents;

    He speaks unflatteringly about his mother-in-law behind her back;

    Turns children against grandmother;

    Refuses any help from mother-in-law;

    Needs more attention.

    Now, knowing the main causes of conflicts and the psychological type to which your mother-in-law belongs, you can smooth out any situation in the family in your relationship with your second mother. nine0003


    1) Curiosity

    Somehow she is always there, and she has her own opinion on everything. The question of whether this is her business does not even occur to such a mother-in-law. She also loves to eavesdrop, so be careful what you say when she's around. The less the mother-in-law knows, the better.

    2) She knows no boundaries

    Of course she comes to your house unannounced. Bombards you or your husband with phone calls, may come into the room when you and your husband are enjoying each other. Nothing stops her! nine0003

    3) She always knows everything better

    This trait is especially annoying when grandchildren appear. A toxic mother-in-law will not respect you as a parent and will challenge you openly or behind your back. She will insist on her opinion on every important issue in your life, and will be offended or angry if you do not follow her advice.

    4) She ignores you

    Sometimes she acts as if you are not there. She will speak to your husband, and if you answer something, she will pretend that she did not hear. nine0003

    5) She constantly remembers the past

    A toxic mother-in-law is unable to forget and let go! Quarrel with her once, and she will hold a grudge for life. Even if you admitted your fault and apologized, she will remember this incident to you every time she is upset or angry with you.

    6) She manipulates

    To put pressure on feelings of guilt, to force people to come to her on false pretenses, to accuse her of indifference or not answer the phone and play silent - all these are powerful weapons in her arsenal. If you do not obey her will, the toxic mother-in-law will turn the whole family against you, claiming that you are the aggressor and she is the victim. nine0003

    7) She spreads rumors about you

    To get people on her side.

    8) She's setting you up for failure

    It can be hard to see if she's pretending to be friendly. For example, she might ask you to cook a dish for a family reunion, and then publicly criticize it by saying, "Ah, honey, you should have asked me for the recipe. It's okay, you'll try again next time."

    9) She doesn't respect your choice

    A toxic mother-in-law will quickly accuse you of disrespecting yourself at the slightest argument, but will never show you respect. She will criticize your choice of profession, your appearance, your tattoo, the way you run your household. And most importantly, she will ignore all your instructions if she undertakes to look after your child.

    10) Deep down she is jealous of you

    She downplays your accomplishments to show she doesn't care, but deep down she is jealous. The mother-in-law may be jealous of your relationship with her son and act in ways to prove that she is still the No. 1 woman in his life. nine0003

    So, you are the unfortunate owner of a toxic mother-in-law. What to do? Alas, there is no cure.

    You can stay away from her. This is a simple and effective strategy, but alas, not always possible.

    You can try to win her love by agreeing with her on everything, but this is unlikely to work. She's already made up her mind about you. She will never like you.

    So what to do? You can use this situation as an opportunity for growth.

    The truth is that when you are in constant conflict with someone or someone is systematically triggering your triggers, it is a sign that you need to do some inner work on yourself. As tempting as it might be to blame everything on your mother-in-law, it will bring you nothing but bitterness, anger, and feelings of helplessness.

    You can be happy with or without her approval. Protect yourself and your children. Spend more time with people who love and appreciate you. Do things that make you feel better. Develop peace of mind, compassion, acceptance. Live your life and your toxic mother-in-law can't get to you. nine0003

    All images are from Pixabay and Pexels

    Know effective ways to deal with toxic mothers-in-law? Please share them in the comments. How to understand this, I will tell you directly.

    I have grouped 10 main signs that are most common in typical situations. And if you do not take any action, I guarantee you that the marriage will soon fall apart. nine0003

    Listen to the wisdom of those who saved their families and managed to get along with their beloved mother-in-law. The bitch gets older every year. It becomes so unbearable that you have no choice but to play along with the grymza, waiting for her sudden death.

    Believe me, an old man with gray mu...eyebrows. Your mother-in-law does not sleep at night, confidently believing that you ruined the life of her slug.

    1. When you sort things out, she unceremoniously interferes in them, protecting her son from your alleged attacks. nine0003

    2. At the moment of intimacy, knowing perfectly well that you are alone, the mother-in-law purposely rattles, she may knock and/or ask something through the door.

    3. Jealousy often manifests itself in groundless attacks and dragging. Such expressions can be used.

    — If something happens to my son, I'll curse you, you bastard.

    - He never loved you. And you can't replace his mother!

    4. Observe how often mother and son discuss things in whispers. Sneak up unnoticed, enter, and they will immediately interrupt the conversation. At this moment, look at the mother-in-law. Her eyes will exude genuine hatred. nine0003

    5. You will understand that the mother-in-law is pathologically jealous of her son if you kiss her beloved before her eyes. A good aunt will definitely prick you, sting, exude an abomination.

    6. Your mother-in-law tries to dictate her terms to you.

    — You should at least once see how Mitka dresses. He walks around like a bum.

    - Don't even try to turn him against me. I will kill you from the world!

    7. All sorts of intrigues. Linings in the form of a trifle on a love bed are not excluded. This action is intended to separate you. nine0003

    8. Are you sitting on a chair? If yes, then that's great.

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