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How to get rid of jealousy in a relationship


How to not be jealous and overcome it with these 9 tips

Healthy intimate relationships are one of the biggest joys in life, bringing companionship, laughter and passion into both partners’ lives. When your relationship is based on trust, it serves as a lifeboat, anchor and sail that keeps you afloat, secure and filled with purpose. When jealousy corrodes the trust and respect in your partnership, the relationship becomes a weight that hinders personal progress.

Understanding how to stop being jealous in a relationship is a prerequisite for a healthy union. No matter what causes jealousy in your relationship, you can work to tame it and create a meaningful partnership.

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Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

When it’s mild and expressed in a healthy way, jealousy can lead to growth in a relationship. It’s a natural human emotion; eliminating it completely isn’t possible for many of us. We want to be the apple of our partner’s eye. We want them to reciprocate the way we feel. We want them to commit to us. These are all perfectly fine standards in a relationship.

 Mild jealousy shows that we care about our partner and don’t want to lose them. Jealousy in relationships only becomes a problem when we let it get out of control. If you’re able to recognize the emotion, determine what it’s telling you, communicate that to your partner in a nonjudgmental way and reach a productive solution, that’s healthy jealousy. If you’re engaging in constant fights or unhealthy behaviors like snooping in your partner’s phone, it’s time to look at what causes jealousy in a relationship – and how to fix it.

What causes jealousy in a relationship?

Jealousy in relationships often doesn’t show up immediately. When you first meet your partner, you’re in your honeymoon phase. The endorphins are flying. But then, you see a text from a person you don’t know. Or you notice your partner likes to make friends with new people when you go out. If you’re jealous of your partner’s successes, perhaps there’s an unhealthy element of competition that needs to be eliminated.

 It’s easy to point the finger at your partner as the reason for your jealousy. But to discover how to not be jealous in a relationship, you must understand that it isn’t about your partner – it’s about you. In every one of these scenarios, ultimately you’re projecting your insecurities onto your partner, and it’s your insecurities that need attention. You must gain a deeper self-awareness about your own beliefs, attitudes and emotions, then learn to transform them.

At its core, jealousy in relationships is about low self-esteem. When you don’t feel confident in yourself or feel that you deserve the love of your partner, you project those insecurities onto your partner. These are limiting beliefs – false beliefs we hold about ourselves and our true natures that hold us back.

 Even if your partner broke your trust, it’s likely your jealousy still stems from insecurity that was provoked by your partner’s actions. You can repair your relationship – but not if you’re letting your limiting beliefs hold you back. When you learn how to replace them with empowering beliefs and confidence, you’ll learn how to stop being jealous in a relationship.

Effects of jealousy in relationships

Unhealthy jealousy goes against the 5 Disciplines of Love – universal principles for building a trusting, healthy union. The discipline of unconditional love and compassion becomes impossible to sustain, because jealousy impairs your ability to love without barriers. It’s also impossible to be truly vulnerable when jealousy is an issue – and vulnerability is another prerequisite for a passionate and loving relationship. If you can’t learn how to not be jealous in a relationship, you’ll never connect with your partner on a deep, honest level.

 Jealousy also creates tension in the relationship. When you are constantly suspicious, your partner may not be completely open with you for fear of igniting your jealousy. Even when they’re not doing anything wrong, your envy clouds discernment and it becomes hard to tell the truth from mere suspicions.

 You can’t give your partner the freedom to live life when you’re jealous, nor can you feel free to live your own life when you’re dealing with a jealous partner. Jealousy can creep into all areas of your life, making it hard to enjoy anything. 

 This tension can affect the physical, emotional and mental health of both partners. Chronic stress can increase risk for hypertension and heart problems, decrease immune function and shorten overall lifespan. The lack of enjoyment you feel in your relationship can turn into anxiety and depression. Studies have found that jealousy in relationships ends up negatively affecting relationship commitment – the opposite effect of what the jealous partner wants. 

 When jealousy is given full sway in a partnership, neither party thrives. And if you don’t learn how to overcome jealousy in a relationship, you could drive your partner away for good.

How to stop being jealous in a relationship

Your partnership will suffer if you let jealousy go unchecked. Understanding jealousy in relationships requires being honest with yourself and your partner. Get to the bottom of your jealousy and create a healthier relationship dynamic.

1. Be honest about jealousy’s impact.


It’s impossible to solve a problem if you refuse to acknowledge it. Rather than pretending you aren’t feeling jealous or your jealousy isn’t a problem, be honest. How do you feel because of your insecurities, and how are they hurting your relationship? It might be difficult to acknowledge the problems your envy is causing, but take heart in the fact that you’re taking the first step to a healthier relationship.

2. Ask what your jealousy is telling you 

Psychology Today provides a family therapist’s view on how to stop being jealous in a relationship: Rather than view jealousy as a problem, look at your jealousy as a solution. Jealousy (or any other relationship issue) is a window of opportunity we can peer through to gain clarity. Humans feel deeply – it’s the source of our greatest joys and greatest sorrows. We developed these emotions for a reason: they are there to tell us something. 

Instead of shutting down the jealous behavior outright, seek to understand it first. What problem is the jealousy attempting to solve? Working backward from there will help you get to the bottom of how to stop being jealous. By getting to the real problem, you’re able to address it and find lasting relief.

3. Discover the Six Human Needs.

It’s likely that your jealousy is telling you something about your Six Human Needs. These are the needs that must be met in order to create a fulfilling relationship. They underlie every decision we make – and jealousy is a decision. It isn’t a result of your partner’s actions or something that was done to you in the past. It’s a result of your unique values and your mindset. You can learn to control it, but you must go to the source: your thoughts, emotions and needs.

4. List your insecurities.

Mastering how to stop being jealous in a relationship starts with looking at yourself. What insecurities are driving your jealousy? Are you unsure of yourself due to perfectionism? Are you comparing yourself to others? You’re not making this list to shame yourself – you’re owning your role in the relationship.

5. Cultivate self-confidence.

Once you’ve made a list of the insecurities driving your jealousy, write down an antidote to each one. If you’re living under the shadow of your partner’s ex, make a list of all the traits your partner loves about you. If you constantly compare yourself to celebrities, unfollow them on Instagram for a week. By giving yourself space from feelings of inferiority, you’ll be able to develop the self-confidence you need to overcome jealousy.

6. Consider the source of your insecurity.

Mastering how to not be jealous in a relationship is often a matter of healing the wounds of the past. If you’re struggling with jealousy due to an unresolved issue like a childhood trauma or addiction, get the support you need to overcome it. With the right help, you can transform your struggles into sources of strength. 

7. Be honest with your partner.

If you’re struggling with jealousy, your partner has probably already noticed. Your partner is most likely also contributing to the problem. By practicing effective communication, you’re acknowledging your contribution while also holding your partner accountable – and giving them the opportunity to support you as you work toward a solution.

8. Build healthy coping skills.

Sometimes, it can be hard to let go of jealousy in relationships if you don’t have healthier ways to relate. Provided your partner isn’t giving you a reason to be suspicious or jealous (ie. by cheating on you or habitually lying), it’s up to you to tame the source of your jealousy. Recognize that you don’t need jealousy – you’re just used to it. Practice self-care and nurture your physical, emotional and mental health. When you prioritize healthy coping mechanisms, they become the norm and eventually replace jealousy.

9. Discover

The Ultimate Relationship Program.

It often isn’t easy to learn how to not be jealous in a relationship. Jealousy is such a deep-seated emotion that it often feels like we have no control over it. So where do you start? The key is to think of your relationship holistically. Jealousy is just a symptom of a larger disconnect. What’s really going on between you and your partner?

The Ultimate Relationship Program will take you back to basics, teaching you about concepts like polarity and the Six Human Needs – the building blocks of all romantic relationships. You’ll look inward at your own desires and limiting beliefs before looking outward at your partner. You’ll finally eliminate your fears once and for all and know how to overcome jealousy in a relationship in a healthy, positive way.

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A Results Coach can help you examine and overcome your limiting beliefs, so you can feel fulfilled and confident in relationships. 

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What are the basic needs in a relationship?

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How to fulfill your partner’s needs and strengthen your relationship

Posted by: Team Tony

“You’re so lucky.”

Chances are you’ve been on the giving and receiving end of this familiar phrase more than once. You’re lucky to receive an opportunity. For a job. For a travel experience. For your relationship. Why do we give luck all the credit? Luck has nothing to do with any of it.

Take our basic needs in a relationship, for example. Maybe the movies portray falling in love being as easy as walking down the street and locking eyes with someone, but that’s far from the reality of what it takes to make a relationship work. Extraordinary relationships don’t come to people because they are lucky. Long-lasting, quality partnerships happen when our relationship needs are met through mutual respect, passion and commitment.

What’s the secret? How do you create a relationship so passionate, so fulfilling that everyone is telling you how lucky you are? It starts with fulfilling your partner’s relationship needs. 

Every single one of us has Six Human Needs that are fundamental to our happiness in relationships and in life. We all require each of these needs to be met at varying levels. Whatever your top needs are, it’s important you’re meeting them. And when you’re in a relationship, it’s important you’re also meeting the needs of your partner.

Once you are able to meet your partner’s relationship needs, it will become a place of deep and meaningful joy and fulfillment. Listen to what Tony has to say about how it all works: 

Love is not about fulfilling your partner’s relationship needs only after they’ve fulfilled yours. Tony tells us: “The only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to get.” Love is not a trade. Put your partner first by fulfilling these 10 basic needs in a relationship, which are made up of your Six Human Needs and four additional needs that apply to romantic partnerships. And when they do the same, that’s when the magic happens.

1. Certainty

What is the number one thing that everyone is looking for in a relationship? Certainty. Certainty that you’re going to avoid pain, certainty that you can trust your partner and certainty that you can feel comfortable being vulnerable in your relationship. When you think of “comfort,” don’t think of stagnation. Certainty and comfort are not synonymous with boredom. Having certainty in your relationship means that you’ve developed a bond with your partner that you are 100% certain about. You have no doubts about your love for them and trust that they wouldn’t do anything intentionally to bring you suffering.

2. Uncertainty

The next human need is uncertainty, or variety. Variety can come in many different forms; it doesn’t necessarily mean jumping from partner to partner. Variety can be learning a new skill, participating in a stimulating conversation, eating at a new restaurant or being thrilled when your partner surprises you with a bouquet of flowers. We need certainty to feel safe, but we also need uncertainty to feel captivated by our relationship.

3. Significance

Why is it that you tell your partner things you don’t tell anyone else? Why do you rely on this one person to make you feel romantically fulfilled? Because they make you feel significant. One of the most crucial relationship needs is feeling significant. You want someone who makes you feel special and important. You can fulfill this for yourself by going after a goal or helping out in your community, but you also need to feel significant in the eyes of your partner. And to have a successful relationship, you need to make your partner feel significant as well.

4. Connection and love

The fourth thing a relationship needs is connection and love. You’ve already established that you want to feel significant in the eyes of your partner, but you also need to form a deep connection and develop an intense love. Connection can happen instantaneously in relationships – you meet someone and have great conversations, share interests or are immediately attracted to each other. Love takes more time to form, but it’s what sustains a strong relationship long after that initial spark of attraction.

5. Growth

The first four relationship needs are essential for your personality, and the next two are fundamental for your spirit. The fifth relationship need is growth. If you’re not growing, you’re dying – that’s why growth is addictive. As long as you’re growing you can feel fulfilled with yourself and confident in your relationship with your partner. The fifth need, or the need to grow, ties directly to the following need. That’s because we want to grow so we have something to give, or contribute.

6. Contribution

As Tony Robbins has said before, “The secret to living is giving.” When something good happens to you, what’s the first thing you want to do? Tell someone you love. Life is about creating meaning, and a huge part of that is contributing to the world around us. This also applies directly to your relationships: What are you contributing? How are you providing for your partner mentally, emotionally, physically and financially? How are they contributing to your well-being and happiness?

7.

Intimacy

Time for some real talk: Without romance – and yes, sex – you and your partner are just friends at best and roommates at worst. Intimacy and affection are among the fundamental basic needs in a relationship, yet we often make the mistake of thinking that when the “spark” is gone, we can’t get it back. Remember how you felt on your first date with your partner? The butterflies in your stomach and the feeling of falling in love? You can keep that spark alive. Plan a surprise romantic date. Take a day off work together and do something spontaneous. Have a deep conversation. Reignite that new love feeling and watch the passion return.

 8. Humor

Life can be stressful. That stress seeps into our relationships, causing imbalance in our polarity, lack of communication, fighting and more. Sometimes it’s hard to take a step back and appreciate that the moment is just that – a moment, in a lifetime of togetherness. Rather than turning a routine argument into the end-all fight of the century, or letting a minor act – like socks on the floor – get to you after a long day at work, inject some humor. When you know that your relationship is worth it, no matter what, humor is the perfect way to defuse a situation and get a new perspective. It’s just what your relationship needs in a stressful time.

 9. Validation and support

Your partner is the most wonderful, amazing and incredible human being you know. Have you told them that lately? Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s obvious. Your partner needs to feel that you respect them and want to be with them, and a quick kiss before work and an “I love you” before bed often isn’t enough. Make a point to tell your partner what you like about them. Talk about your dreams and goals together and let them know that you support them. When your partner feels supported and their relationship needs are being met, they will have much more energy to give back to you.

10. Forgiveness

No one is perfect. You can still believe your partner is remarkable and fantastic while accepting their flaws. True partnership means seeing your partner for who they really are and loving them anyway. Because you know their true essence, you can forgive their human errors – like those messy quirks or even something bigger. (Never stay in an unhealthy relationship, however). But the willingness to forgive goes above and beyond basic needs in a relationship and takes your partnership into a new realm of loyalty and trust.

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How to deal with jealousy: advice from a psychologist in the capital

Jealousy is one of the most common reasons women turn to psychologists. Many women tend to experience a constant painful state of inner fear, fear of losing an object that is significant to them. According to experts, to one degree or another, jealousy is present in everyone. We can be jealous of friends, colleagues, family members, it all depends on the degree of emotional closeness. What is jealousy and where does it come from, says Nina Kizrina, a psychologist at the Hope branch of the Crisis Center for Women and Children. nine0004

Bring peace to the family

32-year-old Tatyana turned to the Crisis Center for Women and Children. She has been married to Mikhail for 12 years, her husband holds a managerial position and spends a lot of time at work.

Until June 2020, the woman had no idea that her husband could cheat on her. But after the long-term and happy marriage of her best friend collapsed before our eyes due to infidelity, Tatyana was seriously worried. In just a few weeks, she worked herself up so that she could not close her eyes. It began to seem to the woman that Mikhail had been deceiving her for a long time. Thus began endless surveillance of her husband, and over time this led to frequent conflicts in the family, which had not happened before. Tatyana realized that unreasonable jealousy would not lead to good, and turned to professional psychologists for help. nine0011

“The psychologist has developed a plan for individual interviews. Meetings with Tatyana were held once or twice a week for three months. In the process of work, it was possible to restore the emotional background, remove obsessive and disturbing thoughts, harmonize the relationship between the spouses and return peace to the family, ”says the specialist .

What is jealousy like

Jealousy is a bright, negative, emotional sense of possessiveness, reinforced by egoism, the desire to completely control another person, which is usually expressed in distrust, suspicion, in painful doubts about loyalty and love. nine0007

Psychologists distinguish three types of jealousy: rational, irrational, delusional jealousy.

  • Rational jealousy arises when there is really a real threat to lose the object of love.
  • Irrational jealousy is not connected with reality and is based mainly on imagination and fantasy. It occurs in people with a vivid imagination who suffer from inferiority complexes, who have suffered mental trauma in childhood.
    • nine0035 Delusions of jealousy - inadequate, unreasonable jealousy, reaching the point of mental pathology. Basically, this type of jealousy occurs in people with mental disorders (schizophrenia, paranoid disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction).

How jealousy is born

The feeling of jealousy is formed in the period from one to three years. In the family, the child learns how to interact with each other, what should be the relationship of parents. The kid sees how mom and dad communicate, take care of each other, solve problems. nine0007

As a rule, a jealous woman in most cases chooses a man for her husband who will stimulate this feeling. The origins of the causes of jealousy come from parent-child relationships - lack of love in childhood, physical or sexual abuse, genetic predisposition, childhood psychological trauma. Growing up, a jealous woman on an unconscious level begins to play her scenario from childhood - the psychological trauma of rejection, fearing its repetition. Later, this behavior acts as a form of betrayal prevention. nine0007

« Jealousy may be caused by competition between siblings who claim special status from their parents; identification with the deceived parent when the other parent is cheating; dysfunctional relationships in the parental family - alcoholism, physical abuse, infidelity of the parent of the opposite sex , ”says the specialist.

Causes of jealousy in older age - self-doubt, low self-esteem in sexual terms, the presence of an inferiority complex, uselessness, underestimation of one's own abilities and capabilities. Also, the causes of jealousy can be emotional dependence, fear of losing an object of love or loneliness, an excessive sense of ownership, an unlimited right to possess another person. nine0007

One of the manifestations of jealousy is sadomasochism. The experiences of jealousy here are closely connected with self-torment, with manifestations of masochistic tendencies.

“ The jealous one gets a kind of pleasure from the torment experienced during constant surveillance, looking for evidence of a partner’s betrayal”, - Svetlana notes.

An important cause of jealousy is the neurotic need for control. If a jealous woman misses the opportunity to control her partner, then she begins to panic, jealousy increases significantly. nine0007

Another reason for jealousy is the partner's provocative behavior. In this case, the partner unconsciously provokes jealousy in order to get "proof of love", focusing on the formula "jealous means love." Therefore, such women always have a dramatic relationship with a partner, she constantly needs confirmation of love. This indicates a high degree of codependency.

“If there is silence at home, there are no manifestations from the husband, declarations of love, scandals and manifestations of jealousy, then she becomes unbearable - she needs an emotional shake-up, a discharge that she is used to receiving in a dysfunctional parental family,” says psychologist.

How to get rid of jealousy

  1. If you decide to fight this negative and destructive feeling, then always proceed from the idea that your partner is faithful to you. By continuing to think that he is cheating on you, you will never be able to cope with jealousy.
  2. Realize that the reason for your jealousy lies not in the actions of your partner, but in your own fears of the horrors that your imagination draws: betrayal, betrayal, loneliness. nine0038
  3. Having understood that the reason for your jealousy is fears and complexes, do not expect your partner to do something magical, from which jealousy will be removed as if by hand. Will not take off. The only person who can pull you out of the swamp of jealousy before it completely destroys you completely is yourself.
  4. Replacement of fear. The best way to deal with fear is another fear. Stop being afraid that your loved one will cheat on you, start to fear that with your suspicions, scenes of jealousy and tantrums, you will finally destroy your relationship. When you are truly afraid of this, the feeling of jealousy will leave you forever. nine0038

If you find it difficult to cope with jealousy on your own, sign up for a consultation with professional psychologists. The specialists of "My Family Center" and "Crisis Center for Women and Children" will help you in such a difficult situation.

Press service of the Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection

Why we are jealous and how to stop doing it

November 8, 2022 Relationship nine0007

There are often no real reasons, so it is up to you to deal with the problem.

You can listen to the article. If you feel more comfortable, tune in to the podcast:

What causes jealousy

You are insecure

Licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers writes that people with low self-esteem can also feel insecure in relationships. They believe that they are not good enough to attract a partner and keep his interest over time. nine0007

You need to control everything

One partner worries about his place in the other's world. Perhaps, even in childhood, a person experienced a disturbing experience and now thinks that he cannot be trusted, because at any moment he can be preferred to another.

Anastasia Popova

Psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist of the Family Medical Center "Leib-Medic".

But this is not just anxiety. This is an attempt to control the actions of the other side. Fear of someone else's freedom and rebellion against it. nine0007

You are too strongly attached to a partner

Constant groundless jealousy may appear due to excessive attachment, when one cannot separate from the other and lives his life.

If you constantly interfere in the life of a companion, forbid meeting friends and spend time separately, the chances of destroying relationships are high. There is nothing wrong with a couple having common interests. But everyone should also have their own hobbies.

You project your own repressed desires onto your partner

Family psychotherapist Anastasia Popova notes that jealousy can arise due to the projection of one's own state and repressed sexual desires onto another person. Without admitting to ourselves, we want to go to the left, only now we attribute this to the satellite.

You have obsessive thinking

Jealousy can be the result of obsessive (obsessive) thinking. Psychologist Seth Meyers recalls the case of a patient who was jealous of partners in all her relationships. She also had some signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When her husband came home late, lingered, she could not put up with not knowing what and where he was doing. Therefore, I filled in the gaps and thought out myself. I took the facts out of my head, and then I was jealous and worried. She herself created disturbing thoughts and reasons for excitement when faced with the most terrible circumstance for this type of people: unknown .

Also, according to the expert, jealousy can be caused by a person's general paranoid state.

There is a real reason for jealousy

Perhaps the most logical reason: there really is a reasonable reason for jealousy. Maybe this is an unambiguous correspondence with another or another, not yet forgotten betrayal or irrefutable evidence of infidelity.

How to stop being jealous

Accept and examine your thoughts

Robert Leahy, Ph.D., professor at Yale University, former president of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and the International Association for Cognitive Psychotherapy, recommends that in the midst of jealousy, stop, exhale and pay attention to your thoughts.

Do they reflect the reality? If you think that a partner is interested in someone other than you, this does not mean that they are. You must understand that thoughts and reality are different things. nine0007

Don't give in to feelings of jealousy

Anger and anxiety can be intensified if you begin to obsess over them. You need to accept your emotions and let them be. You don't have to "get rid of the feelings," but if you approach observing your experiences consciously, it will help to ease them.

Understand that uncertainty is part of any relationship

We are looking for certainty: “I need to know that she / he is not interested in you” or “I want to know that we will not part and be together.” Dr. Leahy writes that some are even ready to end the relationship before they think the other does. nine0007

Robert Leahy

Uncertainty is part of life. This is something we cannot do anything about.

You cannot know for sure whether your partner will leave you or not. But with your accusations and reproaches, you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Understand your conjectures

Jealousy can be fueled by unrealistic beliefs: past relationships of a loved one threaten your union, you have nothing to offer a partner, this relationship will repeat a bad experience with another or another. Often this is nothing more than speculation that has nothing to do with reality. nine0007

Find effective ways to build relationships

“Instead of relying on jealousy, find another way to make the union safe,” advises Robert Leahy. For example, pay attention when your partner does something good, praise each other, refrain from criticism and sarcasm, or make a list of simple and pleasant things that would please each of you.

Take care of yourself

We must not forget about our development. Find a hobby, play a sport, or take a yoga class. Do not deprive yourself and your beloved of freedom and personal space. nine0007

Show gratitude instead of jealousy

To a certain extent, jealousy is normal in a relationship. But only as long as it strengthens them, and does not destroy them.

Anastasia Popova

It is useful to remember that besides me, a wonderful miracle, my partner has many other people in his life who can take my place. And that he or she chooses and prefers me over someone else.

A good alternative to jealousy is gratitude for choosing you, for being together. You can’t save a relationship with jealousy, but with gratitude it can work out. nine0007

Build up trust

Oleg Ivanov

Psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts.

Jealousy is usually "cured" by trust. If you do not trust your partner, be sure to talk to him about it.

He may not even guess about your feelings and not know that his behavior gives rise to them.

Accept the situation and reconsider the relationship

This applies precisely to those cases in which there are justified reasons to doubt the fidelity of a loved one. nine0007

Anastasia Popova

Jealousy can be a completely honest and normal feeling and have real reasons. Then you need not to suppress it, but to honestly see the unpleasant truth.

In this situation, it is necessary to decide what to do not with feelings of jealousy, but with relationships in general.

Learn more