Mind games narcissists play
Games Narcissists Play and Tips to Cope I Psych Central
If you’ve ever wondered whether someone is playing games with you, you’re not alone. Experts explain the reasons behind it and suggest tips to cope.
You might have met someone and finally thought: This is “the one.” The roses, the love letters, the flirty texts — all of which have just reinforced this feeling.
Then all of a sudden, it all stops, and you‘re left asking yourself, “What happened?”
It can be painful, confusing, or frightening to be on the receiving end of these games. But if the person has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), these games — and other behaviors — may be nothing new to you.
If these behaviors are commonplace, you may be wondering how you‘ll know when it’s really over.
Knowing the reasons behind these games and how to identify them will help you determine your next steps.
At times, it may appear that the goal of someone living with NPD is to get their needs met, which may involve other people who consciously and unconsciously help them achieve that end, says Dena DiNardo, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
“I advise against using the term ‘games’ when talking about narcissism,” she says. “I think it makes an already difficult situation sound much worse, much more malicious than it is usually intended to be.
“These ‘games’ are strategic manipulations,” she adds. “Often, they’re completely unconscious. People having trouble with this level of narcissism are usually in such deep pain that their ability to empathically connect with the pain of others is low.”
Those who live with NPD often have low self-esteem.
As a result, many relationship games they play may revolve around maintaining a sense of control, so they don’t have to be confronted with the shame that they may feel inside.
“People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to use strategies to gain power and control over the individual in order to assert superiority and/or dominance over them,“ says Rahmah Albugami, a licensed professional counselor in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. “In this way, they get their needs met to boost their egos, value, and self-esteem.
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Some common games someone with narcissistic personality disorder might engage in include:
- blame shifting
- deception
- gaslighting
- ghosting
- love bombing
- playing the victim
- projection
- triangulation
While these games may be common for someone with NPD, not everyone who plays them will have this condition or another personality disorder.
Becoming more familiar with these games may help you spot them in action and set appropriate personal boundaries.
Love bombingAs the name suggests, this happens when someone compliments you, showers you with affection or grand gestures, or moves things too far too quickly. This may be to achieve a sense of emotional intimacy or security.
“I actually think people love bomb out of guilt,“ says DiNardo. ”Wanting so badly to be ‘in love,‘ wanting to experience positive reception from the object of the love bomb.”
She adds, “Everything is in service of feeling good, feeling important, feeling unique, and increasing self-esteem.
Often, no matter the cost and at the expense of other people’s thoughts and feelings.”
What love bombing looks like
On the first date, your date hires a limo to pick you up. They take you to a five-star restaurant, surprise you with gifts, and spend all night telling you how amazing you look.
Playing the victimPeople with NPD often have a strong sense of entitlement. They might believe that they deserve special attention or treatment.
They may play on your empathetic personality to manipulate you into helping them or going easy on them. You may find it difficult to abandon someone who seems consistently down on their luck.
What playing the victim looks like
Each time you call a loved one for help, she has a story ready to go. She can’t show up because she’s having another personal crisis, like a sprained ankle or breakup. But if she needs you, she may expect you to drop everything and help.
Gaslighting refers to denying the truth of a situation as you saw or heard it, which can confuse your sense of reality. They may be trying to avoid getting caught for something by turning it back around on you.
“One of the most common things to look out for are if you’re constantly questioning yourself,” says Albugami.
What gaslighting looks like
Your gut instinct tells you that your boss is covering up something you read in a report. But your boss may say, “That never happened. Maybe you should see a therapist. I’m worried about you.”
TriangulationTriangulation is a way to isolate you from friends or family. It can take many forms.
One way is to get you to turn against other people or other people to turn against you. This can be done with a smear campaign — attacking someone’s reputation behind their back.
The hope is that you’ll side with them instead of the other person, who they may view as competition for your attention.
What triangulation looks like
You’ve been spending a lot more time with ”the girls“ lately. Your partner says, “I know you love your best friend, but I heard her talking badly about you behind your back at the party the other night.”
GhostingGhosting may occur when someone no longer feels that you can supply them with something they perceive as valuable. They may cease contact as part of the “devaluation and discard” pattern of behavior.
There are many reasons you might be ghosted. The person may have lost interest in you or just want to see how much you really care about them. No matter the reason, this power move may be another manipulation tactic to try to control the relationship.
What ghosting looks like
Your sister calls and speaks as if you’re very close (even though you’re not). She mentions that she’s buying a house and needs a co-signer. You tell her you’re saving money, so you’ll pass, but you’d love to have dinner sometime.
You may not hear from her again after that until she needs another favor.
Having a fragile sense of self is not uncommon for someone with NPD.
If you call them out on their behaviors, it may create a narcissistic rage or injury. Rather than sit with the difficult emotion and self-reflect, they may instead externalize the agony they feel in the form of revenge.
What revenge looks like
You interview a potential employee for a new role at work. Your gut instinct tells you to go in a different direction. When you decline to give them an offer, they send numerous complaints to your boss in an attempt to get you fired and threaten to file a lawsuit for discrimination.
If you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD, the first step is to own your wounds, says DiNardo.
“Realize the manipulations,“ she says. ”Feel the pain, but don’t stop there. Don’t drop an anchor. Being angry at someone who manipulated you is not a recipe for getting healthy or breaking the pattern.
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Instead, remove the focus from their behaviors and instead on your responses. You may find it helpful to ask yourself these questions:
- How did this happen?
- How did I end up in this connection?
- What beliefs may have led to this?
- Where do those come from?
You don’t have to do this tough inner work alone, by the way. You may find it helpful to work with a mental health professional to help process what you’re feeling.
If someone with narcissistic personality disorder appears to be playing games with you, it’s common to feel hurt.
Keep in mind that this is a complex mental health condition and that the person behaving this way may or may not be conscious of their behaviors.
Still, that doesn’t mean you have to engage in these games or behaviors. You may find it helpful to work with a mental health professional on setting boundaries and educating yourself about narcissistic personality disorder.
“Therapy can help in many ways,“ says Albugami.
”You can learn healthy coping mechanisms, identify red flags, build self-esteem, and self-trust.“
“It’s empowering to know that you’re not ’stuck‘ in that relationship and that you can find the support and guidance you may need through therapy,” she adds.
6 Games Narcissists Play with You
The whys and hows of narcissistic personality disorder are complex, and in many cases, not well understood. There are also different manifestations of narcissism, which means not everyone with narcissistic personality experiences or expresses it in the same way.
Someone with this disorder may appear to you as a person with strong self-esteem. However, behind an attitude of superiority, there’s often someone who’s vulnerable and might even feel powerless.
As a result, they may seek external validation and status and have a strong need to be in control.
In this process, the person with narcissistic personality may develop very elaborate self-defense mechanisms, including manipulation tactics.
They also tend to have low empathy and have difficulty getting emotionally invested in others. This might also lead them to use manipulation tactics and not be aware or interested in the consequences for you.
Low empathy doesn’t mean no empathy, though. So, not everyone with the disorder will necessarily use manipulation tactics.
A 2018 study suggests that people with covert or overt narcissism are prone to making unethical decisions and acting in unethical ways.
You can learn more about the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder here.
For people with narcissistic personality disorder, relationships are often about getting their own needs fulfilled. This may involve a need to constantly feel admired and powerful.
If this external validation isn’t received, there’s not much to fall back on for them.
A person with narcissistic personality may feel the urge to maintain control at all costs — even if it’s at your expense.
Just remember this isn’t a personal choice they make.
These are characteristics of the condition they live with.
Of course, not everyone who plays these relationship games has narcissistic personality disorder. In fact, you might have used some of these tactics yourself at some point.
Anyone can use manipulation tactics or any of the games listed here and not have a narcissistic personality disorder.
The difference is that for someone with narcissistic personality, these behaviors aren’t rare or situational. They’re the way they function in relationships all the time.
Here are some common manipulation games someone with narcissistic personality might engage in:
- gaslighting
- love bombing
- ghosting
- triangulation
- playing the victim
- revenge
Gaslighting
You’ve probably heard of gaslighting since the term has gotten quite a bit of attention in the last few years.
It’s actually based on an old movie called “Gaslight,” wherein the husband tries to make his wife feel like she’s losing her mind.
Indeed, this is the core idea behind gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of severe emotional manipulation where the goal of the gaslighter is to sow seeds of confusion. This aims to make you doubt your own thoughts, emotions, or reality.
Narcissistic gaslighting is typically a long-term, gradual technique. The ultimate intention is to keep you under tight control and dependent on them.
For example, during breakfast, you ask your partner to pick up milk from the store on their way home. When the time comes, they arrive with no milk. When you point this out, their answer is, “You never told me to! You’re imagining it.”
The thing is, the more someone gaslights you, the more you begin to doubt yourself and wonder if they’re right. Dealing with gaslighting can take a toll on your self-esteem and mental health.
More common ways to gaslight someone? “I did it because I love you,” “You’re too sensitive,” and “Nobody has ever done for you what I have.”
Love bombing
If you ever thought it was way too soon for someone to love you that much, it probably was.
And it was also probable they love bombed you.
Love bombing can take many forms, but it’s usually a person pushing too far too soon.
For example, it’s someone saying “You’re amazing” or “I’ve never met anyone like you before,” when they actually hardly know you at all.
It might also include showering you with expensive gifts, flowers, fancy dinners, and together-forever conversations.
And it can even involve more extreme behaviors like stalking and jealousy fits.
Being love bombed can sometimes feel extremely flattering. Because of this, you might feel inclined to respond to all these romantic gestures.
Before you do, though, consider doing two things:
- Go beyond their words and gestures and focus on how much they really have to base all this love on.
- Ask yourself if you’re increasingly feeling committed to this person or obligated to correspond when you wouldn’t be interested otherwise.
Love bombing is someone hunting for your attention and dependency.
Once this goal has been met and you’re engaged, a love bomber is likely to lose interest and, in most cases, take advantage of what you now feel for them.
Examples of someone love bombing you can include a combination of behaviors:
- Giving almost an “obsessive” type of attention and not accepting no for an answer.
- Trying to make you feel guilty for not having the same feelings.
- Disapproving of your friends or other people in your life.
- Planning your entire lives around their dreams and fantasies.
- Repeatedly showing up unannounced or making plans for you both without asking first.
- Demanding more affection and attention from you in the name of them giving you so much.
- Saying “I love you” or claiming you as their soul mate after knowing you for a very short period of time.
- Getting upset when you ask for space or have your own plans without them.
Why does love bombing happen?
A person with narcissistic personality may have trouble forming healthy attachments.
This doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy excitement and romance. But, once this excitement wears off and they’ve caught you, they typically decide to go elsewhere.
It’s the possibility of winning that keeps them interested. This responds to their need for attention and superiority. They want to feel they’re able to get you — that they have the upper hand.
What comes after love bombing? It’s usually ghosting.
Ghosting
Ghosting happens when someone suddenly stops communicating with you without warning. It can happen in any relationship but more typically in a dating scenario.
You’ve finally accepted to date this person who has inundated you with attention for the last few weeks. And then, one day after a date, you try to check their Instagram profile and find out… you’ve been blocked.
This has to be a mistake of some kind. So, you text them. Nothing. Hours later, you try calling them. Nothing.
You’ve been ghosted.
The act of ghosting is a power move that someone with narcissistic personality disorder may use.
There are many reasons why someone might ghost you. It may be because they lost interest and want to avoid the conflict of telling you this personally. It may be they want to see your reaction and how much you care.
Often, it’s just another manipulation tactic — a break-up game — they use to feel they had the last word and all control in the relationship.
Do narcissists come back after ghosting you? Not likely, but they might if they want to gain something from it.
Now, remember, not everyone who ghosts you has a personality disorder.
This tactic can be used by anyone in many circumstances and it’s not a sign of a mental health condition every time.
Triangulation
Triangulation is another way a person with narcissistic personality might feel like they can maintain the upper hand.
In sum, triangulation is getting a third person involved in your communication channels.
In other words, it’s when you send your message through a third person or justify an action with “this third person” told me.
Triangulation can also take many forms.
A common one is trying to get you jealous and to compete for their attention by incessantly comparing you — directly or indirectly — with a third person.
Other times, triangulation works as a divide and conquer tactic.
Say that your best friend is jealous of one of your most recent friendships. They may say to you, “I don’t know why, but Alexis said some really rude things about you the other night. I defended you, of course.” And then, they might go to Alexis and say the same thing about you.
Narcissistic triangulation may also be about getting you involved in their conflict with someone else.
Maybe they ask you to defend them publicly and make you feel guilty if you don’t. Maybe they tell you to intervene on their behalf to do something that could be embarrassing for them to do.
Playing the victim
People with NPD often experience emotions more intensely, or are highly reactive to any form of criticism.
Because it’s difficult for them to engage in self-reflection, they may need to justify themselves when things aren’t going their way.
This often means putting the blame on others when their life isn’t panning out.
For example, they might justify not meeting their goals at work by whining about all the times you were late to work this month. You coming to work late might have something to do with it, or it might have nothing to do with it.
Either way, they’re playing the victim to justify something that was otherwise in their hands.
And then maybe you get a promotion they were after. They might explain this to their co-workers or family by saying you achieved it by “kissing up” to the boss. Obviously, they deserved it more, they say.
Blaming others for the disappointment feels better than internalizing the idea that they might not be qualified for the promotion.
In romantic relationships, playing the victim may get you to back off.
For example, your partner gets really defensive after you tell them they forgot to pick up milk on the way home.
Then they start saying how exhausted they are, how much they needed to come home to get some peace, and how you manage to ruin it for them every time.
This makes you back off and leave them alone. Maybe you’ll get the milk yourself. Mission accomplished.
Revenge
If a person with NPD feels they’ve been embarrassed, rejected, or treated unfairly, it can provoke an intense sense of shame, humiliation, and rage.
This is often called narcissistic rage or rage injury.
Sometimes, these overwhelmingly negative feelings can lead the person with narcissistic personality to become extremely vindictive.
Narcissistic rage may lead them to unleash an all-out campaign to “ruin” you if they now perceive you as the enemy.
They might even come up with a long-term plan to get revenge. This revenge tactic could include slander, abuse, property destruction, and in some extreme cases, physical violence.
People with narcissistic personality disorder may engage in a variety of games or manipulation tactics.
This is so they fulfill their need to be or appear superior and powerful.
Although it might be tempting to retaliate, seek an apology, or even try to “fix” them, a person with NPD usually has a hard time being aware of how their behaviors affect others.
This isn’t by personal choice, though. It’s part of living with a complex mental health condition.
Manipulation tactics are not always a symptom of a mental health condition, though. Also, not everyone with narcissistic personality will use these tactics.
If you’re engaged in a relationship where you feel others are manipulating you constantly, despite your efforts for them to stop, consider taking a step back, setting boundaries, or even letting go.
Alexander Burgemister. The Narcissist's Game - The Dark Triad — LiveJournal
Narcissus is a master at playing mind games. He plays to the bitter end and takes no prisoners. He is miserable at losing, gets angry and stamps his feet like a child. The only way to defeat a narcissist is not to play with him. Here are some of the more common narcissistic games.
1. Ping-pong. We begin to understand how a narcissist works when we draw an analogy with a game of ping-pong. Every time the narcissist needs self-criticism and reflection, he immediately throws the ball back to whoever he considers his opponent. Narcissus always throws the ball back. He does this so as not to take responsibility for his own behavior. The narcissist hopes that denial of responsibility (through blame, projection, shaming, denial, etc.) will force the partner to do what they have always done - forgive the narcissist, justify their behavior, accept that the narcissist could not have done otherwise because he had a bad day and so on.
Narcissus always keeps you at gunpoint, you are always on the firing line. To run away from it (or expose it), you must constantly watch the ball, i.e. look closely at his actions and motives that encourage him to play a game with you.
You must exit the game.
You can stop catching the ball and put the racket aside, set boundaries and let it be known that you have seen it through. Then the narcissist will be convinced that you do not want to continue playing with him. He will either kick you off like a hot potato, try to punish you, or run away.
2. Gotcha! The narcissist may feign empathy. It will seem to you that he accepts you, understands what you are experiencing, and can actually put himself in your place. His actions urge you to lower your defenses; and as soon as you imagine that you have reached a real compromise in the relationship, he instantly gets the better of you - most often when you feel unwell. Suddenly, he informs you about his incredible career advancement, a planned luxurious trip, or a significant financial gain, which makes you feel even more worthless. The narcissist makes great use of unexpected psychological banter; its purpose is to be cruel, insult, and make you feel small and worthless.
3. Crazy. This is the narcissist's favorite game...calling YOU crazy every time you try to confront him, discuss problems or behavior, or judge him when he does something terrible. The game goes like this: he claims that you're too imaginative, that you don't know what you're talking about, or that he has no idea what you're talking about, or that you're raising pointed questions on purpose to make a fuss. He'll say, "It's obvious you're nuts!" (and will say that everyone around him completely agrees - you are crazy).
He will claim that he does not even remember what cannot be forgotten, will categorically deny that this ever happened and will never agree to the suggestion that he may have messed up or forgotten something. This is an extremely aggressive and maddening gaslight tactic, a common technique used by all types of abusers. In fact, your perceptions are constantly blurred so that in the end you cannot trust your own intuition, memory or judgment.
4. Death due to a thousand wounds. This is a really fun game that all daffodils love to play! It includes the destruction of your soul, your ego, your abilities, and your belief system, which is inconsistent with his beliefs. He won if he managed to plunge you into despair and devalue everything that you do. Additional points are scored if he takes a large loan for good purposes and appropriates it in its entirety. Double points are given if the narcissist can blame the partner for everything bad.
5. Twenty-one. In this popular game, you will never reach the emotional age of 21. Even if you are 50 years old, you will still be considered an unintelligent child (stupid, bad, inept child). You will never get big cards in your hand, and even if you accidentally drop an ace, it will only cost a penny.
6. The King/Queen Game. The most important thing to remember in this game is that no one but the king or queen can know its rules. The king or queen themselves formulate and change the rules; they don't have to tell other players the new rules, and they can change the rules whenever they need to.
The king or queen always wins the game. You can be fined for breaking the rules, even though the rules themselves will never tell you.
7. Cats and mice. The game "who will endure whom" is a solitaire game for two players. Sometimes
is also called Malice and Malice. Cards have their value from low to high, assigned randomly. The real state of affairs and / or general social rules in this game are not taken into account. The game ends when the players have nothing to pay. The game can also end if the players turn over all the cards, in which case the result is a draw.
Cat and Mouse (or Malice and Malice) is a great game for the narcissist because it is a form of solitaire, allows for "advantages" and allows for "better" cards to beat the opponent.
The game involves "retribution", which is very important for a narcissist who is looking for an opportunity to hurt you. It tracks real or imagined actions that you are doing, have done or could do. This is his "deck", from which he draws cards to use against you when necessary.
8. The poker of liars. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) play this game fantastically. They are outright liars. Their personality and their entire world is based entirely on lies. Their positive traits and intended actions serve to induce other people to become attached to them and provide a narcissistic resource in the form of flattery and honors.
9. Every man for himself. You just need to learn how to play this game. It is important to understand that the narcissist will never admit that he is playing games; therefore, you yourself can decide to stop playing. To do this, you must stop remembering past events/behaviors because you will always be told that you are wrong and he is right and that you need to see a psychiatrist. Do not try to force him to admit guilt or take responsibility for his words or actions, because he will always say that he did not do this, or that this never happened.
If you are in a relationship with a toxic narcissist, you can walk away from him.
If the narcissist is your boss, you can move on to another job. You can also leave your parents if they are cruel.
If you decide to stay, the only way to stop playing games is to not respond to hits, taunts, requests, insults, etc. Stopping is difficult, but perhaps reasoning will help you: if you are playing a ball game, the only way to stop the game is not to catch the ball thrown to you or not to throw the ball to a partner. You can stop playing games with the narcissist, but be prepared for attacks, accusations, and performances. Ignore provocative statements, do not answer the phone (you can not hang up, but comment on the reluctance to say with the words "I'm busy because I have to do something"), avoid places where you can meet. You have many opportunities to stop catching the ball and not throw it back to your partner. This is the game of "Every man for himself" - you avoid, leave and refuse to play.
From: http://thenarcissisticlife.com/games-narcissists-play/
Translation of Sirin (from SHRM) in a variety of forms.
In order not to fall prey to this dark personality type, it is important to know what methods and techniques narcissists use to control people.
If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have wondered how you managed to connect your life with such a narcissist, such a selfish person. It's all about his desire to manipulate.
The narcissist does this in many ways to trap his so-called victims in a net. The whole truth is that if we ever find out about their intentions, we will run as far as possible from them.
However, there are signs of narcissistic manipulation to be aware of. You just have to learn to recognize these dastardly methods used by such narcissists.
Here are eight narcissistic manipulations these people use to manipulate us like puppets.
They shame you both in public places and at home
For a narcissist, it is not so much important whether you are in a public place or at home.
They will use every opportunity to shame or humiliate you. What for? Because it lowers your self-esteem and boosts theirs. You will now subconsciously expect praise from them, a kind word, because you are confident in their authority.
And the narcissist wants you to believe every word he says. He will then say something like "It's all a joke" or "I'm just trying to help" to justify his terrible behavior. It keeps you hopeful that one day you will be good enough for that person. But of course you will never be able to do that.
They control everything
Starting from the topic of conversation (they usually talk about themselves) to issues such as money, where you eat, what you eat, everything related to your relationship - they control everything. Even if you manage to “get into” the conversation and share your opinion, they simply won’t listen to you. Such people will ignore you, and later you will pay for getting into the conversation and trying to teach them.
The narcissist you are dealing with immediately turns all the attention to himself in any conversation and makes you feel humiliated. Soon you will stop doing what you love, forget about your needs.
They were incredibly adorable at the beginning of their relationship.
You had your head in the clouds at the beginning of the relationship, because he was the most charming person on earth that you have ever met? Has it all evaporated now and this person has become a stranger?
Narcissus will do all his tricks to trap you and make you his new victim. If someone you just met is so charming, so generous with compliments, that you think it's too incredible and magical to be true, congratulations - you've met the most outspoken narcissist.
He plays the victim all the time
Did you have a bad day? So your narcissistic friend had it even worse.
No matter how unpleasant the situation you have developed, the problem will be much more serious and dangerous for a narcissist. Despite the fact that he constantly pursues you, it turns out that it is the narcissist who becomes the victim, because he needs much more attention than you. You will end up asking if he really has such serious problems, or if he just takes everything too personally.
Narcissists love to play the victim because not only do they get extra attention, but they use it as a tactic to get you to take pity on them and get them out of the water. You focus completely on his problems and completely forget about yours, becoming more open to narcissistic manipulation tactics.
They use other people for their support
Narcissists sometimes use other people to help them in their mind games. They will bring a third person into the house or “reserve” such a person if they feel that you are slipping out of their hands.
Then they will humiliate you in front of this stranger to draw attention to their actions. This third can also be influenced by narcissism.
Narcissists demand frequent praise, and if you don't praise them enough, they think they'll get someone else to do the job right away.
They play mind games or use "gas lighting"
"Gas lighting" is a situation in which a person plays mind games in order to shake the normal psyche, the sanity of a normal person. This is a typical narcissistic tactic because they want to see anyone as a helpless victim. Only he himself should be the whole world for you, but you should continue to play his mind games until you completely fall under his control.
"Gaslight" makes you feel like you're going crazy and you can actually damage your mental health. That's why it's perfect for a narcissist.
They downplay your accomplishments
Daffodils must be on top of the pedestal.
This means that you cannot succeed because it overshadows their accomplishments. When you first meet a narcissist, they will be overjoyed at your success.
But soon after that, such a person will show his true nature and begin to humiliate everything that you have done. This is because it will become increasingly difficult for you to get them to notice you. Narcissists, in turn, will get more attention than you. And that's all they need.
They will do anything to make you feel guilty
It doesn't matter at all if it's obvious that it's the narcissist's fault. Their bad behavior is your fault. No matter what situation happened, the narcissist will always blame you.
If you are experiencing any of the above signs of narcissistic manipulation, don't lose your head. You are not crazy, you are not always guilty, you should not doubt yourself.
The narcissist with whom you are connected is concerned only with himself, he does not care about other people.
