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Men abused by wives


Men Can Be Victims of Abuse Too

At the Hotline, we know that domestic violence can affect anyone – including men. According to the CDC, one in seven men age 18+ in the U.S. has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime. One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. In 2013, 13% of documented contacts to The Hotline identified themselves as male victims.

Although they make up a smaller percentage of callers to The Hotline, there are likely many more men who do not report or seek help for their abuse, for a variety of reasons:

Men are socialized not to express their feelings or see themselves as victims.

Our culture still clings to narrow definitions of gender (although there are signs that this is slowly shifting). Young boys are taught not to express their emotions, to “suck it up” and “be a man. ” Tony Porter calls this the “man box” in his well-known TED talk. This can be extremely detrimental to boys as they age, especially if they find themselves in an abusive relationship. Men may feel discouraged to talk about what’s going on in their personal lives, or they feel like no one will believe them. They may not even realize that they are being abused, or they might assume they should just deal with the abuse on their own.

Pervading beliefs or stereotypes about men being abusers, women being victims.

The majority of domestic violence stories covered by the media are about male perpetrators and female victims who are typically in heterosexual relationships. While we certainly don’t want to minimize this violence, focusing on only one type of situation renders invisible the many scenarios that do not fit this definition, including abusive relationships among homosexual, bisexual, and trans* men. This might make many victims feel like they don’t have the space or the support to speak out about their own experiences and seek help.

The abuse of men is often treated as less serious, or a “joke.”

We’ve seen this in action in pop culture. When a man is abused, many people don’t take it as seriously (in part due to the previous two reasons we’ve mentioned). The truth is, abuse is not a joke, in any situation, between any two people. All victims deserve support and resources to help them feel safe.

Many believe there are no resources or support available for male victims.

It can seem like the majority of shelters and services for domestic violence victims are women-focused. However, services for male victims do exist. Most federal funding sources require that domestic violence services be provided to all victims of abuse. Our advocates can provide information, assist with safety planning, and/or find local resources, if available. They can also help brainstorm alternative options if local programs are not meeting the requirements for male victims, including who a caller may be able to contact if they believe they have experienced discrimination.

No matter what your situation is, The Hotline is here to help, confidentially and without judgment. Please give us a call anytime, or chat online with us 24/7/365.

Answers shouldn’t be hard to find.

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Why It Happens and More I Psych Central

Contrary to popular belief, men can experience abuse in relationships — and it’s far more common than you think.

When it comes to abuse in a relationship, we typically imagine the survivor as being female.

What doesn’t come to mind as quickly is the idea of a man experiencing abuse. The truth, however, is that men can and do experience abuse in their relationships. This abuse can often go unnoticed, be severe, and create long-lasting problems.

If you’re a male experiencing abuse, you’re likely all too aware of this. And you probably feel alone, isolated, and possibly ashamed of your circumstance.

But you’re not alone. In fact, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 4 men will experience some form of physical abuse in a relationship during their lifetime.

And in my experience of treating men for almost 20 years, this figure is too low when all forms of abuse are considered.

Unfortunately, many of these abuse survivors will be overlooked because, whether we like it or not, gender stereotypes still exist. This means we’re predisposed to think it unlikely that a man — who’s physically dominant and likely more aggressive — could be abused by a partner (female or male).

But male abuse survivors are more common than you might realize, and the ways in which they’re abused can vary greatly.

How can something as serious as abuse in a relationship be overlooked? If a man is being abused, wouldn’t we know it? Wouldn’t we see it?

The answer is, probably not.

Abuse of men in relationships is a bit like a dirty little secret. People, especially the men who are living with it, don’t talk about it — even if they realize it’s happening.

Societally, we’re accustomed to hearing about women being abused by men. Unfortunately, history has given us ample reason to see this as an unpleasant but real possibility.

But a woman controlling or abusing a man? This must mean the man is weak and easily manipulated, right?

No, not at all.

But it’s this impression that often keeps men from opening up about their abuse and seeking help when they need it.

Of course, this assumes a man recognizes that he’s being abused. It’s common for those experiencing abuse to have trouble seeing it and be resistant to admit it.

For a man in particular though, admitting that he’s being abused in his relationship can be emasculating, making him feel he’s not a real man. So, he may develop psychological constructs — patterns of behaviors or thoughts — to help him minimize and explain away what he’s experiencing.

Men may also have a narrower definition of what constitutes abuse in a relationship.

Abuse isn’t just physical, but if you ask a man if he’s experiencing abuse, he may immediately assume you’re asking if he’s being hit by his partner. It’s far more likely that the man experiencing abuse is dealing with emotional, psychological, verbal, or even sexual abuse.

Many men who are experiencing abuse will themselves overlook any form of abuse that isn’t overtly physical and fail to recognize what’s happening to them.

This blind spot we have as a society for the relationship abuse men can experience means we fail to notice how much more common it is than we want to believe.

Although women can be physically abusive, this isn’t the primary way men find themselves experiencing abuse in a relationship. When it comes to physical abuse, women are far more likely to be the ones experiencing it.

Physical abuse by a woman is typically a response to physical abuse by their partner.

Verbal and emotional abuse

When a man physically abuses a woman, he’s viewed as angry, out of control, and morally wrong. However, many men have been rightly taught never to use their physical advantage over women in an abusive manner.

A woman who is abusive, however, might exploit this restraint by giving in to her own anger issues or manipulative instincts and becoming verbally or emotionally abusive toward her partner. This kind of “you can’t touch me” approach leaves a man unsure of what to do, other than to take it and live with it.

Sexual coercion

Men are also more prone to sexual coercion by women. So, rather than forceable sexual abuse, a woman may use sex as a weapon to try to control a man. This may take the form of:

  • withholding sex
  • promising sex or sexual acts in order to get what she wants
  • using sexual flirtation to control or outright hurt him

There may also be covert sexual acts — such as forcing fellatio or grabbing genitalia — that can be seen as a form of sexual abuse.

Because some men are responsive to acts of a sexual nature, they may not recognize this manipulation as a form of abuse. But using anything as a means of trying to control your partner, including sex, can be seen as a form of abuse.

Psychological abuse

Women can also employ psychological abuse tactics. These can include:

  • demeaning the man in their life
  • undermining the man’s confidence
  • causing the man to feel isolated and dependent

These can manifest in a few ways for the man, including:

  • being socially cut off from friends and normal activities
  • calling names or intimidating
  • interfering in family relationships
  • making unfounded accusations of infidelity
  • constantly monitoring calls, texts, and social media
  • exerting financial control and manipulating or undermining behavior — such as overspending

Additionally, a man’s children may be used against him.

Some women, who may have a strong influence over their children’s behavior, use this influence to negatively manipulate and alienate the children against the father. They may threaten a man’s access to his children or expose certain flaws or behaviors to his children that will turn them against him.

This is abusive behavior to both the man in question, as well as the children who are caught in the middle and being used.

So, if men don’t want to talk about it and may not even recognize it — and there are no physical signs like bruises or broken bones — how can you tell if a man is being abused in his relationship?

Actually, there are signs of abuse in men. You just have to know what to look for.

Consider the following for clues a man may be dealing with abuse.

  • Changes in personality. Any distinct change in personality in anyone should raise a red flag. It doesn’t always mean abuse, but it generally means something is going on. In a man, a change in personality — such as an outgoing person becoming withdrawn or a responsible, or a steady man acting in angry, wild, or irresponsible ways — could be a sign of abuse.
  • Being anxious or fearful about his partner’s response. Being regularly and overly concerned or anxious about how your partner will respond to you isn’t healthy. It may be a sign of fear that failure to please will result in punitive or abusive measures. This is true for both men and women and can result in a breakdown in communication.
  • Becoming overly apologetic. A person experiencing abuse may become accustomed to unnecessarily apologizing or overexplaining their behavior.
  • Needing to check in with his partner repeatedly. Along with becoming fearful of his partner’s response may come the need to check in with his partner constantly. Or, the partner’s need to keep tabs on him and know his whereabouts at all times. If you find that a man’s partner is checking up on him or has trained him to check in more often than seems reasonable, it may be a sign of abuse.
  • Depression. In men, depression can manifest as anger more so than in a despondent mood.
  • Alcohol or substance use. Men are prone to using alcohol as a method of self-medicating. They use it or other substances as a means of managing emotions and escaping. So, if a man begins drinking more than usual or starts smoking cigarettes or cannabis, consider it a warning sign that something may be off.
  • Seeming generally unwell. Men are notorious for their inability to express feelings. If a man is experiencing abuse, he may not know how to talk about it, feel ashamed of his situation, or stuff his feelings. This can result in an outwardly observable illness. In essence, the abuse is making him sick.
  • Low self-esteem. One effect of abuse that’s consistent amongst men and women is the lowering of self-esteem. Especially if a man seems to become unsure of himself in an area where he once was confident, he may be an overlooked survivor of male abuse.

These are not all the signs of abuse in men, but they’re some of the most prevalent. If you notice these in yourself or a man you love, it may be time to act.

Putting a stop to abuse in any relationship is difficult and complicated. It would be nice if it were as easy as just saying stop or leaving, but it’s not.

Ending abuse is also not something that’s easily done alone. Many people experiencing abuse — male, female, or gender-nonconforming — find that the support of family or friends, and likely a mental health professional, can help them make the needed changes.

It can be done, however.

Yet the initial step, which is possibly the hardest step for a man, is admitting the abuse exists. Once this hurdle is cleared, then change can begin.

“Well, get naked”: how men become victims of sexual violence

  • Nina Nazarova
  • BBC

Photo by Danya Udobny

18+

According to statistics, women are more often victims of sexual violence, but men are also not protected from this risk. At the same time, this problem is practically not discussed in society and is not taken seriously by many. nine0018

BBC correspondent spoke with two participants in the story of one traumatic sexual experience to understand how it happens and how it is perceived by both parties , as well as with experts who help fight violence in Russia.

Heroes' names have been changed at their request.

"Bro, anyone in your place will envy"

In the summer of 2015, during the holidays between 10th and 11th grade, Andrey began to take the first steps in the profession he had long dreamed of. At first, he took on a small freelance - and perceived it as an "adventure". He enjoyed working with older people. nine0011

One evening he ran into new colleagues in a bar. One of them, Katya, offered to sit down at their table. They didn't really know each other well, they only met briefly a few times. At some point, Katya began to flirt: “I’m already tipsy, she’s tipsy herself, and I wrote panic messages to a friend:“ Oh my God, she grabs my ass, what should I do, ”recalls Andrey. - And the dude writes to me: "Relax, in general, zashib everything." Then she started kissing me. We agreed to meet the next day, they put me in a taxi, which was not my taxi, and I walked home on foot, very pleased. " nine0011

The next day, Katya and her friend went to work with Andrey, waited a few hours for him to finish, and then the three of them went for a walk. To Andrey's surprise, it soon turned out that they were going to Katya's house. On the way we went to a liquor store. All this time, as the young man says, there was an undisguised flirting, which he himself perceived passively: "I was so tired that whatever - I was interested, it was funny." At home, a friend went to the kitchen to cook, Andrei sorted through books, and Katya periodically came up and asked her to kiss, "gradually more and more undressed. " So, according to Andrei's recollections, it lasted an hour and a half, until Katya entered the room already in a dressing gown, "practically naked", and said: "Well, undress." nine0011

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The rest of the evening, according to Andrei's recollections, looked like this: "I was freaked out. And I was scared because I was already very, very, very drunk. I was very scared. Well, I undressed - what else could I do. I sat down, and they tied me up, tied me to a chair. They just stupidly tied me. I was completely dumbfounded. This Katya undressed, and the second girl undressed. Well, I was excited, of course, because, firstly, I was scared, and secondly, really excited, but at the same time he lost control altogether. This Katya started giving me a blowjob, and I generally stopped understanding what was happening. Then, when 10 minutes had passed, for some reason they beat me with a whip again. " nine0011

At some point he was untied. According to Andrey, he "could not do anything except what they would say." The next two hours - for the young man they "lasted like ten days" - Andrei and two girls "had very strange sex": "Well, how" we did "- I was occupied - because while a friend was doing something, Katya, and what, as I later realized, it was the toughest, whispering in my ear that here, I'm your mommy, I'm making you an adult. At some point, I asked my friend to leave, she left. The whole process ended, they went to another room, I was lying completely devastated, then got up to wash." nine0011

The author of the photo, Dana Mykulinskaya

Andrei says that he was asked to stay, but he could not: he was 17 years old and before that he always spent the night at home. (He didn't tell his parents about the incident later.)

"They gave me a bottle of water, put me in a taxi - like, 'well, come on.' no, I felt almost nothing, called my friends, who told what happened to me, in a panic, and the guys for the most part said: "You're lucky, dude. Bro, in your place, anyone will envy, generally hurt. "0011

1 out of 6

Western organizations that help victims of violence report that one in six men will experience "unwanted sexual contact" during their lifetime. This is from the US National Center for Sexual Assault. They are based on a study of statistics for three years (2010-2012) and include rape of men, and harassment, and other traumatic sexual experiences involving people of any gender, experienced at any age. nine0011

Both men and women are most likely to experience aggression from men. At the same time, women have a fifteen times higher risk of becoming a victim of rape. However, there are also reverse cases.

The New York Times in 2012 reported that one in 21 men either experienced penetrative sex, usually by a woman, was the victim of an attempted rape, or received unwilling oral sex. Almost all experts specify that the figures are probably higher in reality, since the injured men rarely go to the police or even complain to their friends. nine0011

First-person accounts of experiences of violence are even rarer. One example is the story of James Landrit: at the age of twenty, he got drunk in a bar with a random acquaintance, after which he woke up in a motel when the girl was already on top. When he tried to free himself, the girl stated that she was pregnant, and if Landrith resisted, he could harm the child; after it was all over, a friend asked me to give her a ride home by car. Landrit did not contact the police: according to the man, he decided to attribute everything to the fact that he came across a "crazy" and quickly forget about the incident. Landrit claims that he experienced psychological consequences all his life, but it was only in adulthood, almost twenty years later, that he recognized the trauma and turned to a psychotherapist. nine0011

Both James Landrit and Andrei mention that they were aroused directly at the moment of sexual intercourse. However, survivor support sites specifically clarify that erections and even orgasms alone do not imply consent: "Erects and ejaculation are physiological responses that can be triggered by mere physical contact or even a state of extreme stress. These responses by themselves do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the attack."

image copyrightKate Shilonosova

There are no statistics on violence against men in Russia at all. According to a rough estimate by Nadezhda Zamotaeva, a psychologist at the Sisters Center, calls from men make up 1-2% of the total number of calls. However, she clarifies that mostly men experience violence at a young age and at the hands of adult men. According to Anna Rivina, director of the Violence.Net Center, they received only a few complaints from men who had experienced violence, either homosexual or by relatives. Psychologist Irina Chey, who opened the Crisis Center for Men in 2018, says that in her practice there was only one appeal, when a man had sex with a woman against his will, only for her to “leave behind him and become calmer." nine0011

The very idea of ​​a woman's violence against a man seems wild and absurd to many, including the men themselves. According to Anna Rivina, "the problem is not only that this topic is taboo and that, roughly speaking, it is also a matter of physical strength - how much a man can afford not to get into such a situation, but also that our men are used to that they should always want sex. And society imposes it on them, and they themselves program themselves in this way - "more, more, no matter what, but let it be." She adds that one of the possible consequences of this is that men "themselves can rebuild to the fact that everything is cool, everything is great, and there is no negative context in this. "

"I want him to have a special evening"

Katya was 23 at the time. Her memories of that evening completely coincide with Andrei's story in facts - they really were almost unfamiliar, it really was their first sex, there was a girlfriend, and a binding, and a whip - but the assessments of what happened radically diverge.

According to the girl, her previous partners were "uninhibited and interested in a variety of bed practices", so she "wanted to find out what Andrei likes and what he would like outside the standard framework." At the same time, there was no conversation about preferences, she admits: “Since he was rather shy at that moment and did not seek to talk directly on such topics, I decided to go by experience. Perhaps all my previous experience convinced me that spontaneity in sex - a good quality." nine0011

Image copyright Charlie O'Konor

"The situation was this: me, my attractive girlfriend, Andrey. We all spent the evening together - with obvious hints of a continuation, which, of course, followed. important point!) BDSM elements: bondage and stack No violence and torture, no fixation from which it is impossible to get out, no beatings, strangulation, bruises, wounds, scars from blows, no rough coercion - absolutely nothing that would be contrary to common sense. We were both absolutely determined to please him - in fact, we initially agreed that it would be about him, and not about us. When I asked my friend to join, I told her in plain text: "I want he had a special evening. "He had a reaction to us; an orgasm too - at least once." nine0011

The girl was not embarrassed that Andrey reacted to what was happening, in her own words, "emotionally": "I've come across this before, after sex, especially when a person has experienced an excess of impressions, he can experience catharsis. Not only my partners - and I myself sometimes cry after sex, and sobbing, it does not say exactly anything except psychological relaxation and hormonal fluctuations. So we tried to calm him down and called him a taxi so that he would return home. "

A little later - Katya does not remember exactly, on the same night or the next day - "it turned out that it was an unpleasant experience for Andrey": "It puzzled me: in the end, you could at any moment say "no" or "let's do without it, I want it differently." We are two girls, not chainsaw maniacs who chain victims to the bed and do not allow them to object or leave. We both saw a positive reaction to our actions, nothing to the wrongness of our actions did not imply; nevertheless, I apologized for what happened, and we agreed that nothing like this would happen again." nine0011

Delayed trauma

About six months after the incident, according to Andrei, he began to constantly have nightmares, as if girls were tying him up, whispering something in his ear, after which he began to suffocate (in real life, he asthma) and "falls apart". At the same time, at first he did not think about it as the consequences of an injury.

Evening with Katya and her friend was not Andrey's first sexual experience. Therefore, under the influence of friends, he decided to believe that "this is cool and this is class, and you just need to put up with it." On the first day, it was “hard to convince myself that I wanted this,” the young man recalls. But a day later, "it was generally normal - I relaxed and accepted everything." nine0011

Andrey soon had to leave for a month, and upon his return, he and Katya began, as the girl put it, "a comfortable short romance." According to Andrei, they "met for two weeks very well, not mentioning at all what happened." (Andrey never saw the second participant in a threesome again.) After a couple of weeks, Katya "just disappeared" - now the girl explains this by the fact that she "due to extraneous events had a very strong nervous breakdown and was absolutely not up to the relationship."

Then Andrei tried to switch off from everything that had happened: "Besides, it was the last class at school." It didn’t work out very well - in addition to nightmares, experiences interfered with everyday life: as the young man says, he simultaneously felt a desire to calm down and forget about everything, hope to return the relationship, as well as strong anger. After some time, he began to approach the idea that "something not right" had happened to him.

Image copyright Sashagrime

From the experts' point of view, delayed awareness of trauma is an absolutely normal mechanism. "A traumatic event, its consequences come immediately, but the realization of what happened may come after some time. This is connected both with the personality of the victims and with periods of experiencing trauma, the first of which is shock and denial, when a person "convinces" himself that nothing nothing bad happened," Nadezhda Zamotaeva, a psychologist at the Sisters Center, explains. “Obviously, people’s bodies and brains react completely differently to stress, to danger,” Anna Rivina explains. “Someone generally keeps everything in himself and only after years can cover him with this.” nine0011

However, it is precisely their short romance, as well as the fact that Andrey himself did not consider what happened to be violence for a long time, is perceived by Katya as proof that there was no violence: "We met for a while, had sex with pleasure and did not return to this relationship at all. " topic - it surfaced later, after our separation, which happened on my initiative, and in new interpretations I actually turned into an abuser. I do not agree with this interpretation. " According to the girl, turning her into an "absolute monster" is a consequence of rethinking the situation after the break she initiated. nine0011

At the same time, Katya does not insist that she was right, and vice versa, several times during the conversation she explains that she made a mistake: “What did I learn from this experience? I didn’t really have time to study it. That you should not so boldly assume for a partner what fantasies he may have.

And once again: “Was I personally a fool then? I? Already many times, and we discussed this situation and worked it out." nine0011

In the summer of 2016, Andrey and Katya spoke for the first time in detail about what had happened, and the girl asked his forgiveness. But, according to the young man, not at all as he expected - "not that she did wrong, but that I misunderstood. "

In the spring of 2017, when Andrey began a new romance, and worries about the incident began to get in the way - "it was scary and strange, and above all ashamed that I continue to worry, even being in a relationship" - he decided to turn to psychotherapist. nine0011

Crisis centers

"Nobody deals with the problem of violence against men and no one talks about this problem," explains psychologist Irina Chey. Together with their colleague Diana Semenova, they opened the first Crisis Center for male victims of violence in St. Petersburg in the spring of 2018.

In Russia there are centers for the rehabilitation of former prisoners, for helping the homeless and even male aggressors, there are "daddy groups" - classes for fathers. The crisis center for men in Syktyvkar has been operating for more than a decade, helping the homeless and those released from colonies with the restoration of social ties, but, as its director explains, men who have suffered from any kind of violence "have never applied. " nine0011

Photo by Alina Ponomareva

According to Irina Chey, the idea to create the first center specifically for male victims of violence in Russia came about when she and Diana discussed private practice and work in various non-profit organizations, including a crisis center for women - men also applied there, and it was impossible to redirect them to any specialized organization.

The center was opened with a grant from the European Commission. The backbone is three people and a pool of psychologists, whom Irina and Diana involve as necessary, depending on the area where the consultation takes place and the topic of the appeal. Help is offered to those who have experienced any type of violence: physical (including "accidental" - for example, getting caught in a hot hand in a fight on the street), sexual, partner. There are appeals from men who suffered in prison or the army, and from men who suffered from sexual violence when the perpetrators of the violence were men. Now, according to Irina Chey, the appeals of men who have experienced violence in relationships with girls and wives predominate. nine0011

In total, each applicant has access to five free sessions with psychologists, which can be received in person in St. Petersburg, via Skype or by correspondence. So far, according to the creators, they are approached by one or two people a week. A total of 51 people have applied since the end of March.

At the same time, as the founders of the center explain, violence against men in Russia is essentially invisible - including for the men themselves. “A man writes to us: here, the wife does this and that, but I don’t know if it’s on your topic or not?” explains Irina Chey. symptoms of psychological trauma: obsessive thoughts, palpitations, tension in different parts of the body, guilt and shame. nine0011

Therefore, as Diana Semenova says, in addition to direct assistance to victims, the global task of the center is to open up problems for society so that men can more calmly and openly apply for support.

According to all experts, for this, first of all, it is necessary to move away from the culture of machismo. “It is important to fight gender stereotypes, toxic “masculinity” and the cult of strength, the idea of ​​aggression as a mandatory quality of a “real man,” explains Nadezhda Zamotaeva, a psychologist at the Sisters center. “If this does not happen, there will be no need to pretend that there are problems no, it will be easier for men to talk about their experiences, and rapists will not be able to go unpunished." nine0011

"Violence with strange variables"

After having nightmares every day for a month or two, Andrei decided to try to cope with his emotions with the help of his artist friends. He literally asked them to draw his dreams: this is how an anonymous art project about the abuse he experienced appeared on Instagram. In the summer of 2016, his friend gave a link to the project on Facebook as part of the flash mob #I'm not afraid to say, after which, Andrei recalls with irony, "he got his 20 likes. And one comment." nine0011

Andrei explains the invisibility of his story not only by the avant-garde form of the story, but also by the fact that in the mainstream information space a man usually acts not as a victim, but as the "author of trauma". Even when it comes to violence against men themselves - as, for example, in the case of Kevin Spacey, "these unique cases are still about a system where a man is a rapist," Andrei explains. (Exceptions are lawsuits by security guards Mariah Carey and Britney Spears with allegations of harassment - BBC).

According to Andrey, even within the framework of flash mobs #I'm not afraid to say and #metoo violence is divided into conditionally "normal", which is subject to comprehension, and conditionally "abnormal", which is simply not talked about. nine0011

Image copyright Timur Aloev

"My case turned out to be 'abnormal' as well, because according to canons I'm obviously stronger, I'm a rapist, and the person who did this to me is an ordinary victim according to the classical narrative," he explains - And I began to realize that there may be many men who have had toxic relationships, had an unpleasant sexual experience, had a submission that they did not want, who were not asked what they want in principle. But the culture, and liberal especially, it doesn't make it possible for those who have violent stories with strange variables - defiantly strange variables - to feel like they're part of the context, but it makes them feel, "Well, f*ck [figure it out yourself]. Just live with it, put up with it, deal with it." nine0011

Andrey has now decided to make a new art project that could, in an accessible language, "start a conversation about violence - not about women, not about gays, not about other minorities, but about violence as a universal human problem." To do this, he turned to Violence.net for support.

Nasiliya.net director Anna Rivina plans to one day open a crisis center for men in Moscow: "Our project is certainly focused on the main vulnerable group - women, but you need to understand two key points. First: that after all, in isolated cases, men are subjected to violence, and we should not forget about it.And secondly, it is important to say that men can also be scared, they can also not feel safe, it is important to build a dialogue that everyone needs violence eradicate together. nine0011

The last time Andrey and Katya met was in April 2018 at a public event and once again discussed what had happened. Andrey considered that Katya still does not see anything bad in him: “It just struck me. Something that is terrible traumatic on my part and that I have been thinking about almost every day for three years, as a beneficence is perceived by the author of the injury. Purely Humanly speaking, it shouldn't be like this. People who allow this are not people. I read Steinbeck's East of Eden last summer, and it's my favorite book, also because it shows a very good person who maybe cute, handsome, the best on the outside, but inside this is not a person. nine0011

After the meeting, Katya made other conclusions: "It became clear that I caused an emotional dependence in a person, which continues to this day. I told him and I am always ready to repeat: I treat him very warmly and affectionately, and I am ready to help him if he will need help. He knows it, and he apologized for turning me into such a - let's be honest - complete bitch in his artistic interpretation. It was a healthy relationship with one bad experience, and now I just want one thing - to tell about it finally stopped talking. nine0011

Photo by Artem Trakhanov

I ask Katya: "What will happen if the situation is reversed and imagine that a man is talking about the first sex with a girl he doesn't know "I called a friend to make her a special evening, there were superficial elements of bdsm <.. .> then they tried to calm down and called a taxi" - what will change?"

The girl replies with a long monologue: "Absolutely any alignment can look bad, regardless of the gender of the characters", "Taking advantage of other people's weaknesses, humiliating them, hurting them - it doesn't matter, psychological or physical - this is bad, we all know this, this the situation “I went through a traumatic experience, we discussed it, came to a consensus and continued to date and sleep with each other, and then broke up, and therefore I demonize my ex-partner” is a little different”, “For some, oral sex can be unacceptable, and someone uses candle wax", "I am sincerely sure that all adult adequate people who want sex and know what it is, are able to moderate it. " nine0011

Then - after a pause - he adds: "It all depends on the concept of consent. I lived with the old one ("if I show that I'm happy with everything, then it's OK, if I ask you to stop, then something is not OK"), and Andrei, apparently, lives with the new, more modern, where the agreement is formulated more clearly. According to the girl, she periodically reads publications on this topic, “and this is a terribly complicated thing”: “I realized that I behaved then like a terrible retrograde - I’ll come up with some kind of spontaneous fantasy, and everyone will like it. One participant didn’t like it, therefore ", I made a mistake - and from that moment I had to rethink the concept of consent. Regardless of the gender and the number of participants in the process, this is literally the only thing that they should see in exactly the same way. And it's a pity that I did not understand this then." nine0011

Andrey's project with the support of "Violence. No" should be launched in autumn. "I have a great desire to convey the story of how I cope, in a way that can help not only men, but men as well - because this is a group that is understandable to me, which is not talked about. How to cope with this and not be ashamed how not to try to find meaning in violence, no matter how hard it is - to stop looking for meaning. After all, you really want to find meaning. Like "why did this happen to me"? One evening and that's it, life has become completely different. It can even be shorter. " nine0011

***

The lawyer explained whether a wife can accuse her husband of rape - Gazeta.Ru

The lawyer explained whether a wife can accuse her husband of rape - Gazeta.Ru | News

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Reporting a crime to the police is the legal right of any person. However, the issue of initiating a criminal case on rape against a husband at the request of his wife requires separate consideration. Lawyer Konstantin Kudryashov told Gazeta.Ru about this. nine0011

“On the one hand, in theory this is possible, since any sexual violence is prohibited and punishable, and the sexual freedom of the individual is protected by the state. There is no clause in the law that a husband cannot be held liable for such an act against his wife. On the other hand, in practice, criminal cases of rape against a husband at the request of a spouse are never actually initiated,” the expert comments.

Konstantin Kudryashov emphasizes that marriage is a voluntary union of a man to a woman, and not only spiritual or material, but also sexual. According to the expert, if the spouses live in the same residential area and run a common household, as a rule, law enforcement officers are supposed to agree to intimate relationships voluntarily:

“Given the essence of marital relations, it is virtually impossible to prove that a husband raped his wife, so such husbands are prosecuted for violence, but not for rape. At the same time, regardless of the presence or absence of marriage, any violence by a man against a woman is prohibited and punishable by law.”

At the same time, lawyer Kudryashov notes that the mere existence of marriage does not protect a husband from being accused of rape and there are situations when a man can be held accountable for this crime:

“If the marriage is formally preserved, but the spouses have terminated the marriage relationship, having gone to different addresses, or are in the process of divorce. That is, when there is verifiable information that the will of the wife was aimed at leaving the marriage union, breaking off relations with her husband. In this case, the allegation of rape, in the presence of objective supporting data, has a positive prospect of initiating a criminal case.”

Earlier, lawyer called the situation when it is better to conclude a prenuptial agreement. nine0011

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