Married to a narcissist with children
A Narcissist, An Exhausted Spouse and Anxious Children
Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on April 15, 2016
The level of stress surrounding a narcissistic family is intense from the inside and picture perfect from the outside. As a member of the family (narcissists excluded), there is a constant state of walking on eggshells, questioning what did or did not happen, and minimizing personal feelings while elevating the narcissists feelings. From the outside looking in, the family seems to function perfectly in-tune and any hint of the issue is immediately discounted. The extreme divide between the two existences is rarely addressed and almost always is denied.
This leaves the family in a continual state of uncertainty, insecurity, depression, and fear. But the narcissist wont hear of any such negativity and most definitely wont accept any responsibility for the issues. Any attempt to reach an outsider is quickly met with further alienation from the narcissist, accusations of betrayal, or gaslighting.
So what can a person in such a family do? It must begin by taking off the narcissistic colored glasses and seeing things the way they really are.
The Narcissist. A narcissist is narcissistic. They have been that way in the past, are that way now and will most likely be that way in the future. Not that someone cannot change, they can. They just have to believe that they need to, listen to the advice of others, and then do the work to get there.
Real change happens slowly over a period of time. Anyone claiming an instant change in personality without allowing long periods of time to prove the change has not really changed. Stop expecting or hoping the narcissist will change, it is not that likely.
The Exhausted Spouse. Usually, the exhausted spouse is a co-dependent or dependent personality disorder. These are the two main types of personalities who will even put up with a quick-sand type of environment. The narcissist needs a regular feeding of attention, affection, admiration, and adoration.
These two personalities are the ones most likely to give such high demand with expecting it in return.
Most spouses spend significant chunks of the day cleaning up after the relational mess the narcissist leaves behind. There are friends to apologize to, children to console, neighbors to minimize the overheard outburst, and family to discount the latest narcissist rant. Then there are excuses to be given for insensitivity, employers/employees to mitigate any conflict, and forgiveness on behalf of the narcissist to be sought. After all that is done, the exhausted spouse pulls themselves together to maintain the perfect storybook image the narcissist demands.
Eventually, this task becomes too great and the spouse stops cleaning up the messes. This angers the narcissist even more with threats of leaving because the spouse is no longer living up to the narcissistic standard. The spouse must choose a boundary and stick to it. Despite the ranting of the narcissist, they are not that likely to leave unless they can look like the victim.
Anxious Children. The children of a narcissist are divided into two categories: the golden one and the others. There really is no rhyme or reason the narcissist singles out one child over the other. It can be because of personality similarities, a willingness to admire the parent unconditionally, the same gender or similar interests.
The golden child is perfect and can do no wrong in the narcissists eyes. For some reason, the golden child feeds the ego of the narcissist, either consciously or subconsciously. The golden child is often elevated to an unhealthy level that can encourage future narcissistic behavior. Even when the exhausted spouse corrects the golden child for a real error in judgment, the narcissist will come to the childs rescue and bash the spouse. The child knows they are chosen and becomes anxious at the thought of losing the status and being reduced to the other child.
The other child knows they are not the favorite. Some form their identity around not being chosen and even relish in a change to embarrass the narcissist.
For the most part, they are in a constant state of depression, vengefulness, resentment, anger, and anxiety. The more outward they can express it and hopefully humiliate the narcissist as a result, the better they feel. Ironically, by trying to be the anti-narcissist, they can become more like them. They also tend to be hyper-protective of the exhausted parent, even beyond the parents self-preservation nature. The other child is on constant guard which breeds excessive anxiety.
Understanding the dynamics of a narcissistic family is only the beginning. Next comes identifying the individual roles each member plays and learning how to counteract the negative impact of narcissism.
A Narcissist, An Exhausted Spouse and Anxious Children
Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on April 15, 2016
The level of stress surrounding a narcissistic family is intense from the inside and picture perfect from the outside. As a member of the family (narcissists excluded), there is a constant state of walking on eggshells, questioning what did or did not happen, and minimizing personal feelings while elevating the narcissists feelings.
From the outside looking in, the family seems to function perfectly in-tune and any hint of the issue is immediately discounted. The extreme divide between the two existences is rarely addressed and almost always is denied.
This leaves the family in a continual state of uncertainty, insecurity, depression, and fear. But the narcissist wont hear of any such negativity and most definitely wont accept any responsibility for the issues. Any attempt to reach an outsider is quickly met with further alienation from the narcissist, accusations of betrayal, or gaslighting. So what can a person in such a family do? It must begin by taking off the narcissistic colored glasses and seeing things the way they really are.
The Narcissist. A narcissist is narcissistic. They have been that way in the past, are that way now and will most likely be that way in the future. Not that someone cannot change, they can. They just have to believe that they need to, listen to the advice of others, and then do the work to get there.
Real change happens slowly over a period of time. Anyone claiming an instant change in personality without allowing long periods of time to prove the change has not really changed. Stop expecting or hoping the narcissist will change, it is not that likely.
The Exhausted Spouse. Usually, the exhausted spouse is a co-dependent or dependent personality disorder. These are the two main types of personalities who will even put up with a quick-sand type of environment. The narcissist needs a regular feeding of attention, affection, admiration, and adoration. These two personalities are the ones most likely to give such high demand with expecting it in return.
Most spouses spend significant chunks of the day cleaning up after the relational mess the narcissist leaves behind. There are friends to apologize to, children to console, neighbors to minimize the overheard outburst, and family to discount the latest narcissist rant. Then there are excuses to be given for insensitivity, employers/employees to mitigate any conflict, and forgiveness on behalf of the narcissist to be sought.
After all that is done, the exhausted spouse pulls themselves together to maintain the perfect storybook image the narcissist demands.
Eventually, this task becomes too great and the spouse stops cleaning up the messes. This angers the narcissist even more with threats of leaving because the spouse is no longer living up to the narcissistic standard. The spouse must choose a boundary and stick to it. Despite the ranting of the narcissist, they are not that likely to leave unless they can look like the victim.
Anxious Children. The children of a narcissist are divided into two categories: the golden one and the others. There really is no rhyme or reason the narcissist singles out one child over the other. It can be because of personality similarities, a willingness to admire the parent unconditionally, the same gender or similar interests.
The golden child is perfect and can do no wrong in the narcissists eyes. For some reason, the golden child feeds the ego of the narcissist, either consciously or subconsciously.
The golden child is often elevated to an unhealthy level that can encourage future narcissistic behavior. Even when the exhausted spouse corrects the golden child for a real error in judgment, the narcissist will come to the childs rescue and bash the spouse. The child knows they are chosen and becomes anxious at the thought of losing the status and being reduced to the other child.
The other child knows they are not the favorite. Some form their identity around not being chosen and even relish in a change to embarrass the narcissist. For the most part, they are in a constant state of depression, vengefulness, resentment, anger, and anxiety. The more outward they can express it and hopefully humiliate the narcissist as a result, the better they feel. Ironically, by trying to be the anti-narcissist, they can become more like them. They also tend to be hyper-protective of the exhausted parent, even beyond the parents self-preservation nature. The other child is on constant guard which breeds excessive anxiety.
Understanding the dynamics of a narcissistic family is only the beginning. Next comes identifying the individual roles each member plays and learning how to counteract the negative impact of narcissism.
Married to a Narcissist ?
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Married to a classic daffodil, straight out of the books. Two children, boys, 11 and almost 9 years old.
I tried to leave a year and a half ago, my husband lay at his feet, promised trips to psychiatrists and others, but as I thought (and she too), it all ended with a single trip to the family doctor (without his wife), who said that the husband was completely normal.
From a blooming, beautiful, highly educated, cheerful woman with a bunch of interests, she turned into a coil of nerves with a bunch of health complaints - pain in the neck, shoulder, headache - all examinations reveal nothing, so I personally think it's stress.
She is a typical victim of a narcissist. Her way of life consists exclusively of how to prevent, sweeten, avoid, prevent. Her tone and voice change when he calls. And he calls to control about 5 times a day. All hobbies and interests are forgotten.
A friend does not work, but with her education she will eventually find it, plus, if the divorce does take place, she will not starve.
The problem is fear. In fear of being left alone, in fear that if a divorce happens, her husband will start spreading rot, revenge and devour her with giblets.
Fear for children, who, especially the oldest, are really very attached to their father, but have also learned to be afraid of him.
Fear that she will be weak and the children will be against divorce, because this is dad, because a luxurious carefree life.
Write her advice, please, how to get through this?
Does anyone have their own experience of parting with a narcissist?
Everything happens in a Western country, and if everything is more or less ok with the legislative norms, then emotional problems still remain.
Tags: 3rd person
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Why stop rejecting yourself and evaluating yourself through other people's eyes?
Good afternoon, I hope for good advice, thanks in advance. How to start work on accepting yourself, stopping seeing yourself through other people's eyes? First of all…
-
About a runny nose, dreams and returned emotionality
An army major, 47 years old, came to me. The complaint looked strange: rhinitis - inflammation of the nasal mucosa. He treated this attack this way and that, and when...
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What to do when you don't fit into the team?
Again and again I encounter such a situation when, when forming a team, at work or at school, I find myself excluded from the women's get-together.
…
Flowers of Evil. How to live with a narcissist - Daria Varlamova - How to live - Site materials - Snob
The Western world trembles before cold-blooded sociopaths, and in the domestic hit parade of antiheroes with mental problems, the narcissist is still confidently leading. Most often, this is a narcissistic mother, because of which the child’s whole life then went downhill, or a lover (much less often a beloved), who lured her to the brilliance of her charisma, and then morally gutted and left with nothing. What is this disorder, how does it arise, and is it as detrimental to others as it is described?
Vanity Fair
The most characteristic features of a narcissist, which lovers of making diagnoses by profile picture usually stop at, are vanity and narcissism. Other characteristic but less well-known symptoms are lack of empathy, jealousy, exploitative tendencies and desire for power, as well as a sense of being special and requiring special treatment.
All these features can manifest themselves in varying degrees - from mild personality specifics to a noticeable pathology - the actual narcissistic personality disorder.
Given that narcissists are often truly successful and well-loved, their expansion in society can cause a sense of injustice in the more meek, humble, and underappreciated people. It may seem that these narcissistic egoists get too much undeservedly. But at the same time, the inner world of a narcissist cannot be called harmonious. It is difficult to feel stable when your sense of self-esteem is always “outsourced” and depends on other people's assessments.
Shame and devaluation
Why is this happening? Neurobiology on this topic has not yet offered a clear explanation (except for individual studies indicating a lack of gray matter in the brain regions responsible for empathy and emotional regulation), and psychoanalysts, who have developed the topic most deeply, believed that this type of personality is formed due to inadequate an acute reaction to a sense of shame: the worst thing is when people around you consider you bad , and the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist is the public removal of the covers from his apparent ideality and the discovery of his true insignificance (and everything that is imperfect is perceived by him as insignificant).
It is widely believed that raising a child to be a narcissist is easiest by constantly pampering him and inappropriately appreciating his talents, but the observations of many psychologists support the effectiveness of the combination of "stormy praise for meeting high standards" plus "rejection for everything that parents consider bad behavior ( especially if this behavior is, in general, natural for a child, for example, pranks)”. Then the baby quickly learns that he is good when he seems good, and no one needs him when he just happens to be himself, with his weaknesses and shortcomings.
Narcissists, on the one hand, willingly devalue other people's achievements in order to protect themselves from comparison not in their favor, but on the other hand, their own merits are also eternally lacking. Therefore, their apparent complacency is a soap bubble (it is worth bearing in mind rather in order not to be angry at such behavior, and not in order to beat narcissists on the sick: protecting their ideal "I", they are capable of much).
Because of his specific nature, the narcissist is not very capable of truly close relationships: he perceives his partner as a mirror to reflect himself (more precisely, his best sides). Therefore, novels often begin with idealization (“What a delightful trophy that will emphasize my uniqueness!”), And end with disappointment and an attempt to change the partner to suit your growing needs, not really considering the boundaries of his personality. Actually, this is where so many unfortunate love stories come from. On the other hand, it is worth remembering that the narcissist himself is also not easy: it is impossible to relax and show oneself to mere mortals even with a spouse.
Olga Gumanova, psychologist:
“Next to such a person it is easier for other severe neurotics to survive, for others it is difficult, too cold. Narcissists love to form alliances with schizoids - in such a pair, an extroverted and sociable narcissist can be responsible for relations with the outside world, and the schizoid keeps his own world and the general world of the couple, about which he can fantasize a lot, but he feels good in it.
He keeps in silence the image of Narcissus the Magnificent.
Children of narcissists experience increased psychological stress and often grow up with injuries. Usually, narcissistic parents give birth to children not out of love for children, but as another proof of their success and viability in life. In addition, as in the case of equal partners, such mothers and fathers have a poor sense of personal boundaries and perceive the baby as an extension of themselves, trying to correct his real and apparent shortcomings by any means.
Olga Gumanova:
“Children from narcissistic families may consciously or unconsciously look for the same narcissistic partners, stick to them, become dependent on them, try to overcome their coldness, indifference and contempt, deserve love. Where they are rejected, where they are neglected, they are drawn there.”
Types of narcissists
The two main diagnostic manuals of psychiatry—the European International Catalog of Diseases and the American DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)—do not classify people with narcissistic disorder.
Nevertheless, various psychologists and psychiatrists in their practice periodically identify characteristic types:
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Amorous - a narcissist who asserts himself mainly by seducing others, is prone to dramatic effects and pathological lies.
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Unscrupulous - combines narcissistic symptoms with features of antisocial disorder. Has vague ideas about morality, likes to dominate and manipulate.
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Hypersensitive - more thin-skinned and less self-confident, with all the painful narcissistic pride, behaves more timidly and avoids situations where he can be "not on horseback".
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Inverted — a narcissist, on the contrary, who does not want to receive universal adoration himself, but to be a faithful vassal of a brighter hero.
Olga Gumanova:
“Inverted daffodils are such “stuck fish”, admirers of talents, adherents of gurus. In fact, they have exactly the same structure of trauma with narcissists, they are also organized personally, but for some reason they deny the narcissistic in themselves and prefer to always be close to someone who allows it to themselves, with whom it can be openly reside.
Moreover, “inverted” narcissists can easily be inverted in some respects and classical in others. For example, a woman is a modest housewife, a gray mouse with a brilliant, popular, high-ranking husband. And in relations with her child, she already plays the role of a classic narcissist - the child must meet her requirements, reach out, and she gives or does not give a medal.
How to get rid of narcissism
Narcissistic disorder is often demonized, narcissism is easily attributed to abusers and manipulators, and it really is part of the so-called "dark triad" - a typical list of personality traits for people prone to malicious behavior. But this does not mean that any narcissist is a cruel tyrant, and his behavior cannot be corrected. If a person realizes that the specificity of his personality creates difficulties for himself and brings pain to loved ones, he can successfully undergo psychotherapy. Drug treatment in this case is not applicable if there are no other comorbid disorders (for example, anxiety or depression).
Olga Gumanova:
“With experience, I am becoming more and more convinced that the “narcissophobia” popular today has no real basis. Any personality disorders and neurotic types of personality organization are not corrected only if a person denies his pain, depression, tries to pretend that everything is fine with him. Narcissists do have more reason to deny problems because, as a rule, they are doing well with their careers and personal lives. Why do I need a psychologist if I have a prestigious position, a high salary and a crowd of fans?
Now there are 60 percent of narcissists among the clients of psychologists. People come because they are in pain, they have a very disassembled, scattered “I”, they no longer want to endure it and want to change. And they can change if they want.”
How to live next to a narcissist
There is no universal answer to this question - the options will depend both on the degree of the hero's narcissism, and on the type of relationship and your own personality.
