Npd and relationships

In a Relationship with a Narcissist? A Guide to Narcissistic Relationships

In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissistic relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle with a narcissistic personality. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined by The Mayo Clinic as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

We live in an increasingly narcissistic world. Hard statistics and science are pointing in this direction. The “look at me” mentality that is often promoted by social networks like Facebook has people positively enamored with the image they present to the world. In addition, we may now be seeing the negative effects of the self-esteem movement on a larger scale. So how does this rise in narcissism impact our personal relationships? For one thing, more narcissism means more narcissistic relationships.

Professor Brad Bushman of the Ohio State University put it bluntly, when he said: “Narcissists are very bad relationship partners.” Studies show that in a narcissistic relationship, your partner is more likely to engage in manipulative or game playing behaviors and less likely to be committed long-term. A relationship with a narcissist can be hard to cope with.  To shed light on the common outcomes, struggles, and effects of a narcissistic relationship, we’ve interviewed psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Firestone.

How Can You Tell if You Are in a Narcissistic Relationship?

When thinking about narcissism, I’m often reminded of the joke when someone goes on and on about themselves, then interrupts with, “But enough about me, how do you feel about me?”  If your partner is all about themselves, always needing attention and affirmation, he or she may be a narcissist. If someone is easily slighted or over-reactive to criticism, they may also be a narcissist. If they feel they are always right, that they know more, or that they have to be the best, etc., these are also signs of narcissism.  Narcissistic individuals may only appear to care about you when you are fulfilling their needs or serving a purpose for them. A narcissistic relationship can lead to a lot of emotional distress.

It is estimated that around 1% of population suffers from NPD. However, many people who have NPD do not seek treatment and therefore are never diagnosed. Studies show that men are more likely to be narcissistic. Roughly 75% of the individuals diagnosed with NPD are men. Although almost everyone has some self-centered or narcissistic traits, most people do not meet the criteria for having a personality disorder. There is, however, a growing portion of the population that is displaying a greater number of toxic, narcissistic traits, which are having an adverse effect on their lives and the lives of people close to them, even if they do not meet the clinical diagnosis of NPD. Forming attachments to individuals who exhibit these negative traits often causes similar distress as a diagnosable narcissistic relationship.

A new study from Ohio State University has found that one simple question can identify narcissists as accurately as the 40-item test that has been widely used to diagnose NPD.  The question is simple, rating yourself on a scale of 1-7: “To what extent do you agree with this statement: I am a narcissist. (Note: The word ‘narcissist’ means egotistical, self-focused and vain.)”  You can even try out this free  interactive narcissism quiz. However, while this study suggests that many narcissists will freely admit to their narcissistic tendencies, it is important to note that most narcissists resist the diagnosis of NPD. Narcissists, generally, do not like to be told that they are narcissists. In fact, they often have a strong negative and volatile reaction.

Below are some common traits that a narcissistic relationship partner is likely to have: (Note  the degree to which these traits manifest themselves will vary largely depending on the individual. )

  • Sense of entitlement or superiority
  • Lack of empathy
  • Manipulative or controlling behavior
  • Strong need for admiration
  • Focus on getting one’s own needs met, often ignoring the needs of others
  • Higher levels of aggression
  • Difficulty taking feedback about their behavior

Why do people become narcissistic? Is it a symptom of something else?

Narcissistic people often have narcissistic parents, who offered them a build up but no real substance. Their parents wanted them to be great, so they could be the parent of a great person, the best artist, smartest student, etc. Often narcissistic people were also neglected, as their parents were so focused on themselves that they could not attune to their child or meet their child’s emotional needs.  The child was only useful to these parents when they were serving a purpose for them. Often, the parents of a person with NPD alternated between emotional hunger toward the child and disinterest.

Narcissists have inflated self-esteem (both self-soothing and self-aggrandizing “voices”) a component of what my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, refers to as the “anti-self.” They are very fragile, because the flip side of their self-aggrandized feeling is very low self-esteem, the other component of the anti-self (made up of extremely self-hating and self-demeaning “critical inner voices”). So, for these people, even slight criticism can be a narcissistic injury, leading to an angry outburst and desperate attempts to regain their fragile, inflated self-esteem. Often, a condescending remark will help them to reestablish their superior image. Condescending is a common dynamic in narcissistic relationships. This behavior can be traced back to the need desperate need narcissists feel to be above others.

What are the different types of Narcissism?

While all narcissists are likely to show certain behaviors, not all narcissists are the same. In fact, there are two different types of narcissism, Grandiose Narcissism and Vulnerable Narcissism.  These types of narcissism stem from different early childhood experiences andlead to different behaviors in a relationship.

Grandiose narcissists display high levels of grandiosity, aggression and dominance. They tend to be more confident and less sensitive. They are often elitists and have no problem telling everyone how great they are. Usually grandiose narcissists were treated as if they were superior in their early childhood and they move through life expecting this type of treatment to continue. In relationships, grandiose narcissists are more likely to openly engage in infidelity or leave their partners abruptly if they feel that they are not getting the special treatment that they think they are entitled to.

Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are much more emotionally sensitive. They have what Dr. Campbell describes as a “fragile grandiosity,” in which their narcissism serves as a façade protecting deeper feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Vulnerable  narcissists swing back and forth between feeling superior and inferior. They often feel victimized or anxious when they are not treated as if they are special. This type of narcissism usually develops in early childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with abuse or neglect. In relationships, vulnerable  narcissists often worry about how their partners perceive them. They can be very possessive, jealous and paranoid about their partners having flirtations or affairs.

How does a narcissistic partner negatively impact a relationship?

Narcissistic relationships tend to be very challenging. Narcissistic partners usually have difficulty really loving someone else, because they don’t truly love themselves.  They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really “see” their partner as a separate person.  They tend to only see the partner in terms of how they fill their needs (or fail to fill their needs). Their mates and children are only valued in terms of their ability to meet these needs.   Narcissistic partners often lack the ability to have empathy with their partners’ feelings. This lack of empathy leads to a lot of hard feelings.

Yet many people are drawn to narcissistic relationships. Narcissistic partners can be very captivating, especially at the beginning. They tend to have a “big” personality. They are the life of the party. They can make you feel that you too must be great for them to choose you. However, in time, they can be too controlling in relationships. They may feel jealous or easily hurt.  When narcissistic injuries occur, they often lash out and can be cutting.  Their reactions are dramatic and attention-seeking. According to narcissistic personality expert, Dr. W. Keith Campbell, “The effects of narcissism are most substantial in relation to interpersonal functioning. In general, trait narcissism is associated with behaving in such a way that one is perceived as more likable in initial encounters with strangers— but this likability diminishes with time and increased exposure to the narcissistic individual. ” This is why many people, who have been in a long-term narcissistic relationships, describe a very passionate and exciting honeymoon period in the beginning and then a sharp decline as the likability decreases and the self-centered behaviors increase. Narcissists are prone to falling madly in love with someone instantly and are very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment is not easily sustained.

When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you may feel very lonely. You might feel like you are just an accessory and  your needs and wants are unimportant.  Narcissistic partners act as if they are always right, that they know better and that their partner is wrong or incompetent. This often leaves the other person in the relationship either angry and trying to defend themselves or identifying with this negative self-image and feeling badly about themselves.

Read: Is There a Cure For Narcissism

What are some things a person can do to deal with a narcissistic partner?

If you find yourself in a narcissism relationship, you can first recognize what you have chosen and reflect on the unconscious motives that might have led you to choose such a partner. Did you have a self-centered parent?  Are you more comfortable with your partner being in control, so you can then take be more passive? Do you get a sense of worth from being attached to someone who is in the spotlight?  Does the negative image of yourself they foster with their criticisms and superior attitudes resonate with your own critical thoughts about yourself?  Many people who fall in love with narcissists have issues around co-dependency. They will put up with a certain amount of abuse because they don’t feel confident enough in themselves to set boundaries or be on their own.

Understanding your role in the narcissistic relationship is important. You can then start to challenge yourself to change your half of the dynamic. This will, in turn, challenge your partner to change their style of relating. You can recognize the fragility of your partner’s self-esteem and have compassion for the fact that his or her inflated sense of self, superiority and grandiosity is a cover up for the flip side of self-hate and feelings of inadequacy.   You can also develop your own self-confidence and self-worth by learning to practice self-compassion. Don’t be a victim. In all encounters, act equal, and treat your partner as an equal.

How can people face and overcome their own narcissism?

A narcissist can challenge and overcome their narcissism by recognizing and separating from both the self-soothing, self-aggrandizing and self-attacking attitudes of their critical inner voice. The attitudes they internalized very early on in their lives. They need to recognize and challenge these attitudes toward themselves and toward others. One method for doing this is through Voice Therapy.

Narcissists further need to differentiate from negative traits of their parents or early caretakers that they are still acting out in their current lives. These traits might include superior attitudes or condescending behaviors.  They also need to give up the adaptations they made to the ways their own parents neglected them or were emotionally hungry toward them. These adaptations may have once been their survival mechanisms, but they now manage to push others away and sabotage personal lives and goals. Narcissists also need to break patterns of being self-centered or withholding. They must fight the tendency to always compare themselves to others and the need to be the “best” or “perfect” all the time.

Another way to cure narcissism is to foster self-compassion rather than self-esteem. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research on self-esteem versus self-compassion. The difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is that self-esteem centers on evaluating yourself  in relation to others and emphasizes a need to be special. While self-compassion focuses on “treating oneself with kindness, recognizing one’s shared humanity, and being mindful when considering negative aspects of oneself.” Dr. Neff’s studies have found that self-esteem leads to higher levels of narcissism, but self-compassion does not. Self-compassion actually combats narcissism because it includes the idea of a shared humanity with all other human beings, which leads to more compassion for others. Self-compassion also fosters real self-awareness, a trait many narcissists lack, as it promotes that we be mindful of our faults, which is the first step to changing negative traits in yourself.

For there to be any hope of recovering a good relationship from a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist must overcome their self-centered and negative traits. They need to challenge their self-feeding habits and pseudo-independent stance. They need to focus on developing their capacity for empathy and respect of others.  Lastly, they need to develop transcendent goals, to care about and invest in others’ well-being. Being generous and giving to others are examples of behaviors that would be corrective, building real self-esteem and practicing focusing outside of oneself.

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Tags: destructive relationship, narcissism, narcissistic, narcissistic relationship, relationship advice

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Relationships – Bridges to Recovery

Loving someone with narcissistic personality disorder is not always easy. Key traits of narcissism include a need for approval from others and an impaired ability to recognize the needs of others. Recognizing and treating this disorder as a serious mental illness is the first step to finding compassion and support for narcissists. With consistent, long-term treatment, narcissists and their loved ones can find help.

Being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be challenging. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of ego and entitlement, put themselves first, lack empathy, and can become abusive to others.

It is also difficult for narcissists to recognize the distorted and unhealthy patterns of their thinking and behaviors. This can make getting treatment difficult, though it is not impossible.

Seeking professional evaluation is the only way to know that your loved one has narcissistic personality disorder. After taking this first difficult step and recognizing there is a problem, both of you can begin making progress toward a healthier relationship.

Narcissistic Relationship Pattern

Many narcissists are unable to accept themselves and others as integrated whole selves, complete with both good and bad qualities. In addition, narcissists tend to judge others as either perfect or flawed, based on the treatment they are receiving. These traits manifest themselves in three fairly predictable patterns:

  1. Idealizing phase: For many, loving a narcissist is quite easy at the onset of the relationship. People with NPD can be charming in the courtship stage, largely due to their romanticized idea of the “perfect relationship.” For you, this may feel like the typical honeymoon phase that many couples experience early on. For narcissists, however, this phase is much more extreme. It involves living out romantic fantasies, showing you and the rest of the world all their good parts without revealing any vulnerability.
  2. Waning phase: Over time—or sometimes, overnight—the honeymoon phase comes to an end. Instead of growing closer in authenticity, this is a time when a narcissists’ resistance to vulnerability starts to come through. Your partner begins to notice your less-than-perfect qualities and may make frequent comments about necessary improvements. If you reject these suggestions, your partner feels insulted. Because narcissists view any slight to themselves as a flaw in others’ behavior, they may begin distancing themselves at this point.
  3. Discarding phase: Many relationships with narcissists end in disregard for the other partner. Even if they look back on the relationship with fondness, narcissists typically will not accept any of the blame for how things turned out. If there is abuse involved, sometimes the partner will be the one to end the relationship.

While many relationships with narcissists follow this pattern, it is still possible to support your loved one on the path to healing.

Begin Your Recovery Journey.

Loving a Narcissist

One of the most difficult parts of loving narcissists is their lack of empathy, which can give you the feeling that they aren’t really present even when they’re with you. Individuals with NPD struggle to understand the feelings of others and often use people to meet their own needs, including their need for constant admiration.

While this lack of empathy can seem cold and manipulative, it is a symptom of a serious mental illness and does not signify willful hatred on the part of your loved one. Learning how to empathize with narcissists without judging them is an important step to gaining their trust, which may make seeking treatment easier. Though more research is needed on this topic, studies have been conducted that suggest it is possible to reduce narcissistic tendencies and increase empathy among narcissists

Pursuing psychotherapy can help narcissists see the effect of NPD on their relationships and eventually promote recovery. Treatment for narcissists is crucial, as those with NPD are more likely than the general population to experience substance abuse and anxiety, mood and personality disorders.

Finding Support for Yourself

Abuse is a real possibility for those in a relationship with a narcissist. For narcissists’ loved ones, however, it can be difficult to differentiate between acceptance of NPD and tolerance of abusive behavior.

While it is healthy to accept that your loved one is suffering from a serious mental illness and in need of compassion, it is not acceptable to endure abusive behavior. Be on the lookout for any abuse or mistreatment—whether physical, mental, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial—and seek help as soon as possible.

If you are in a non-abusive relationship with a narcissist, it is still important to set firm boundaries and look after yourself first and foremost. Consider seeking out therapy for yourself, as well as the support of others in similar situations. By building up your own resilience and sense of self-worth, you will be better equipped to support your partner with NPD.

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  • Our free, confidential telephone consultation will help you find the best treatment program for you.
  • We can also guide you in approaching a loved one who needs treatment.

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Open the document in your system Law. Journal of the Higher School of Economics, 2021, N 4) In practice, there was also an unsuccessful attempt to recognize as labor relations relations between citizens who apply the special tax regime of the NPT and are engaged in transporting passenger taxis, and Yandex Taxi LLC. See: Ruling of the Second Cassation Court of General Jurisdiction dated July 23, 2020 in case N 88-13238/2020, Appeal ruling of the Moscow City Court dated November 22, 2019in case N 33-53437/2019. The courts did not see the actual emergence of labor relations between the parties, since, by concluding an Agreement for access to the service and reporting that he has the status of "self-employed", the citizen confirms that he is conducting business activities without an employer, and intends to continue to conduct such activities, including including using Yandex software and hardware. The Agreement for access to the Service does not contain provisions according to which the claimant undertakes to perform work or provide services for Yandex. On the contrary, it specifies the obligation of Yandex to provide access to the Service and the obligation of the plaintiff (Taxi Service) to pay for such services. The plaintiff is independently responsible for ensuring his working conditions and provides himself with the tools, materials and equipment necessary for doing business. The funds transferred by Yandex to the plaintiff under the Service Access Agreement do not belong to Yandex. Such funds are accepted by Yandex from Users as payment by Users for the services of a self-employed person on the basis of the plaintiff's instruction to receive and transfer funds under the terms of the Service Access Agreement. In addition to non-cash payment, the User can also pay the Claimant in cash. Such settlement is carried out directly between the User and the plaintiff without the participation of Yandex.

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("Taxes and Financial Law", 2022, N 5) Thus, an individual applying the special tax regime "professional income tax", when providing taxi services, is obliged to issue a check to the passenger, generated in accordance with Art. 14 of the Federal Law of November 27, 2018 N 422-FZ "On conducting an experiment to establish a special tax regime "tax on professional income" (hereinafter - Law N 422-FZ), confirming the payment for the use of a passenger taxi. Such a person is not required to issue a CCP cash receipt .

Normative acts : Taxi NPD

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Open the document in your system Consultant Plus:
Decree dated 25.08.2021)
"On approval of the Rules for the carriage of passengers and baggage by road and urban ground electric transport"
(as amended and supplemented, effective from 01. 03.2022)d) issue to the charterer, including in the form of an electronic document, a cashier's check or a check generated in accordance with Article 14 of the Federal Law "On conducting an experiment to establish a special tax regime "Tax on professional income", confirming payment for the use of a passenger taxi.

Self-employment disguise of labor relations (NEP)

It is more profitable for employers to hire self-employed persons under the GPA than to recruit workers under labor agreements, and this is often accompanied by violations. When signs of a substitution of labor relations are identified, the Federal Tax Service conducts verification measures in relation to violators together with the labor inspectorate.

Cooperation with the self-employed - legal features

Individual entrepreneurs and organizations can cooperate with the self-employed by concluding a civil law contract with him (aka GPC, GPA) for the performance of work or services. At the same time, they do not become tax agents and are not required to:

  1. Withhold personal income tax from the remuneration of a self-employed person.
  2. Calculate insurance premiums for this remuneration and display the data of the self-employed person in SZV-M.

A self-employed person, being an executor (seller), must:

  • have a valid status of an EIT payer;
  • not be a former employee of the customer (individual entrepreneur, organization), from which he quit less than two years ago, since in this case a ban applies;
  • having received remuneration for work (services), generate a check through "My tax" (credit organization, electronic platform) and issue, transfer it to the customer in any way possible.

It is important for the customer to receive a cash receipt, as it is mandatory for the purposes of accounting for expenses when calculating income tax (clarifications of the Ministry of Finance No. 03-11-11/23570 dated 31.03.2021).

Signs of labor relations being spoofed

The Federal Tax Service identifies individuals with signs of labor relations being masked by self-employment using a scoring system. The nature of payments, the existence of links between the self-employed, former employers, and other persons are studied in real time. Among these signs indicating the dependence of the contractor on the customer are:

  • registration by the NPD payer - customer's condition;
  • division by the customer of the self-employed according to the relevant facilities, depending on the production need;
  • establishment of the work mode for the performer: specific time (duration) of work, rest;
  • an authorized employee of the customer oversees the work of the contractor;
  • the performer works using materials, tools of the customer;
  • payment for his work, accounting for services is carried out according to the norms of the Labor Code.

The listed features are stipulated by the Federal Tax Service in letter N AB-4-20/[email protected] dated 09/16/2021. They testify to the lack of independence of the entrepreneur from the performer.

Violators identified by the tax inspectorate fall into the risk group and are subject to verification. Initially, they are alerted to the discovery of signs of substitution. They are then given the opportunity to acknowledge violations and clarify their obligations voluntarily.

To avoid claims from the tax authorities, officials recommend submitting a SZV-M form for a self-employed person if the check is not received by the 15th day of the month following the month in which he was paid remuneration.

Formation of checks for the self-employed, insurance premiums and SZV-M

Insurance premiums are not paid if the remuneration of the self-employed person is included in the NAP base, and he issued a check to the customer through "My tax". The NPD payer is not provided with information in the SZV-M form, since he is not recognized as an insured person (in relation to the norms of clause 1, article 7 of the Federal Law No. 167 of December 15, 2001, as well as clause 2. 2 of article 11 of the Federal Law No. 27 of 01.04 .1996).

Meanwhile, PFR employees draw attention to certain circumstances under which, in their opinion, it is still recommended to charge contributions and submit SZV-M. The Fund means here situations where a particular person may not use his status as a self-employed person, performing tasks (works, services) under the GPA.

As you know, employers (individual entrepreneurs, organizations) form the base for contributions at the end of the month on the last day. Deductions for them are made until the 15th day of the next cal. month, and information (SZV-M) is submitted - before the 15th day of the month after the reporting one. To check, the fund suggests waiting for the receipt of the check, and then SZV-M:

  1. Do not return if the check arrived before the 15th day of the next month.
  2. Submit if the check has not arrived by this date, but then, when it arrives, cancel the form.

Customers! A self-employed person generates checks depending on the form of payment (calculation). When paying in cash or by electronic means, a check is issued to them at the time of payment (settlement). For other payment methods, the deadline is the 9th day of the next month (reason: part 3 of article 14 of the Federal Law No. 422).

As for contributions, it is recommended to include remuneration in the taxable base before receipt of the check. Upon receipt of a check from a self-employed person, the base must be recalculated. The overpayment formed after this is set off (returned).

An example of the calculation of insurance premiums and the submission of SZV-M

The contractor for the NPA concluded the GPA with the organization for the provision of services. Start date: 09/21/2021.

Situation 1. The customer accepted the performance, paid for the services and received a check from the contractor on October 22. Decisions:

  1. SZV-M for the contractor is necessary in this situation, since the check was not received before September 15. After it is received, cancel the form.
  2. Do not pay contributions, because the deadline for deductions for September contributions is 15.10, and by this day the services have not been rendered and not paid. The deadline for deductions of October contributions is 15.11, and by this day there is already a check from the performer, and, accordingly, confirmation of his self-employment.

Situation 2. The customer accepted the performance of services, credited the money on 30.09. Payment for the services was made and the check was received by him on 21.10. Decisions:

  1. SZV-M for September to hand over to the contractor, and after receipt of the check - submit a canceling option.
  2. Payment of remuneration for services included in the September base of contributions, which must be transferred before 15.10. Upon receipt of a check from the contractor (21.10), recalculate the base for 9 months. and submit an updated version of the RSV.

Customer information! There is another position on this issue.

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