Living with bpd partner

Tips for Couples Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

By Julie RevelantMedically Reviewed by Allison Young, MD

Reviewed: October 15, 2018

Medically Reviewed

With compassion and good communication, borderline personality disorder doesn't have to signal doom for your romantic relationship.Brooke Cagle/Unsplash

Stephanie, of Jacksonville, Florida, has struggled with depression since she was a child. But in 2012, her mental health took a turn for the worse and her mood swings started to create conflict with her husband, Jerome. “At that time, I didn’t know what was going on. I would get angry for no apparent reason,” says Stephanie, whose last name has been withheld for her privacy.

At first, Stephanie was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but when she found another doctor who took the time to complete a thorough evaluation, she learned the true culprit was borderline personality disorder (BPD), which she was diagnosed with six months later.

The Challenges of Having a Partner or Spouse Diagnosed With BPD

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that can cause affected individuals to have a negative self-image, make risky or impulsive choices, engage in self-harming behaviors, and have intense emotions and mood swings. Also, BPD, which is likely caused by a mix of environmental factors, brain activity, and genetics, can lead people to have trouble empathizing with others’ feelings and fear that they will be abandoned by their loved ones. (1)

Could It Be Borderline Personality Disorder?

It goes without saying that these symptoms can create a perfect storm for a tumultuous relationship that in some cases may prove destructive.

In September 2018, SNL comedian Pete Davidson, who has been open about his struggles with BPD, said he had been concerned his diagnosis would prevent him from having a healthy relationship before getting together with then-fiancée Ariana Grande. “I was [afraid it could ruin relationships] until I met her,” he said, according to People. “I just think we are supposed to be together.” But in October 2018, TMZ broke the news that Davidson and Grande called off their engagement and broke up.

As of that month, the pair hadn't confirmed the cause of their split. But the truth is “it is challenging to be in a relationship with somebody who has BPD because one of the hallmarks is this fear of real or fantasy abandonment,” says Gail Saltz, MD, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the NewYork Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine in New York City.

That fear of abandonment can lead people with BPD to mistrust their partner. A study published in the journal Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment found that after talking to their spouses about personal fears and possible reasons their relationship might end, women with BPD experienced a lower perception of trustworthiness in their spouse compared with women without BPD. (2)

For the person with BPD to manage the demands, closeness, and vulnerability of the relationship with his or her partner, “they have to work harder than other people at allowing themselves to choose to trust that person,” says Elizabeth Ochoa, PhD, chief psychologist at Mount Sinai Beth Israel in New York City.

The instability and unpredictability of the relationship itself can cause the partner without BPD to have trust issues as well.

For Stephanie, fear of abandonment was a familiar feeling from childhood. When she was a teenager, she says, her parents divorced, moved away, and left her and her brother on their own. With Jerome, Stephanie says those fears would also surface. “I always felt if he was going to go out, he would do something or find somebody better,” Stephanie says.

Unfortunately, that fear was realized when, while Stephanie was pregnant with one of their children, Jerome had an extramarital affair, further exacerbating her abandonment and trust issues. “I’m still dealing with it,” she says.

People with BPD are furthermore hypersensitive to every emotional nuance, usually in a negative way. “I can feel when there is something bothering him,” Stephanie says. “I can often tell before he even notices that something is bothering him.”

Dr. Saltz explains that people with BPD perceive emotion even in the absence of facial expressions. “That is their interpretation because that is what their brain is telling them,” Saltz says, “and that disconnect can of course make it hard for them to connect to and understand and feel safe with their partner.”

BPD can also cause extreme mood swings. “There can be this wonderful intensity, which may be delightful at the time with your partner, but it can quickly become unstable,” Saltz says.

One minute the person with BPD may idealize their partner and feel very close to him or her and the next, the person with BPD can get angry and put down his or her partner whether the partner did something wrong or failed to do something desired. “I had no clue when I would get angry. It would just come on all of a sudden,” Stephanie says. “If he left a dish on the counter, I would go off.”

Jerome says Stephanie’s extreme mood swings were challenging because he couldn’t anticipate what would cause her to get angry and trigger an argument, or how to prevent these episodes. “At the surface, we’re fighting over something that was kind of immaterial to the bigger picture of what was going on, and that kind of created a lot of noise,” he says.

Finding Relief if You’re Facing Relationship Problems Due to Borderline Personality Disorder

Gerry Surrency, a board-certified advanced practice psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner with North Florida Medical Associates in Orange Park, Florida, who provided therapy for the couple, says identifying Stephanie’s symptoms, validating them with Jerome, and then deciding on the best intervention was key in helping them improve their relationship.

Surrency and other experts say that despite the challenges BPD can bring to a relationship, communication skills and self-care are important for both partners. Here are some other tips for partners dealing with BPD:

Seek out information. Learning as much as possible about BPD can increase empathy in a partnership. If you’re the partner affected by BPD, educating yourself about the disorder can help give an explanation for your feelings and behaviors and help ease your shame. Education can help the spouse without BPD understand that it’s an illness, not a choice. “When the person is responding out of fear, shame, or lack of self-worth, [the spouse can understand] this is not the whole person, this is a moment in time that will pass,” Dr. Ochoa says.

Get help. Seeking support from a mental health counselor or therapist — separately or as a couple — can help people affected by BPD gain insight, communicate more effectively, resolve conflict, and strengthen their relationships.

Because someone with BPD can also experience other conditions, such as anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bipolar disorder, depression, eating disorders, and substance abuse, it’s important for both partners to keep their provider informed about changes in mood and behavior, Surrency says.

What Finger Length May Say About Your Mental Health

Practice healthy communication. When you communicate, don’t say anything that could make the person with BPD feel slighted or uncared for. Actively listen and do your best to respond in a positive way. “Always do it in love as opposed to attacking or putting the person down,” Surrency says.

Ask open-ended questions. If you’re a partner to someone with the disorder, it’s important to speak objectively and keep in mind that BPD can cause people to misconstrue what others say to them. Asking open-ended questions can also help them feel that they’re being heard, such as "I think...."

“You may need to use your words in places where you would assume that your facial expression or the nuance in the room would make it clear,” Saltz says. “You may really need to spell it out.”

Talk only when your partner is calm. A severe episode of BPD is not the time to tackle potentially sensitive topics, like the cleanliness of your living room or your family budget. Doing so may lead your partner with BPD to make irrational decisions. He or she is also more likely to be defensive, pull away, or turn to self-harming behaviors when their symptoms are uncontrolled.

Offer support. Partners should provide the person with BPD understanding and emotional support and encourage and support their treatment. “I think it’s important for the partner to tell the person that they are there, that they understand it’s hard, and they want to help them in any way they can whether or not it’s rejected,” Ochoa says.

Avoid labeling or blaming. It’s important to be careful not to blame everything the person with BPD says or does on their mental illness because “then it starts to become sort of an insult or a put-down,” Saltz says.

Take threats seriously. Threats of self-harm or suicide should never become a form of blackmail in the relationship, but they must be taken seriously regardless of whether you believe the person plans to follow through. Call your spouse’s therapist, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255), or 911. This isn’t only to protect them. “You also have to maintain your own sanity and safety,” Saltz says.

Prioritize self-care. Likewise, being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can feel all-consuming, but it’s important to seek out your own support system and have a healthy outlet to deal with stress.

Make healthy eating, fitness, and sleep a priority, and carve out time for friends, a hobby or enjoyable activities. Although a glass of wine for example, can help you relax, be aware that you can get drawn into substance abuse if your partner is abusing too, Saltz says.

Know that you can live a normal life with BPD. People with BPD often have risk-taking behaviors, such as overspending, drug use, reckless driving, or self-harm due to a lack of inhibition. Although these behaviors can be dangerous, and potentially life-threatening, many people with BPD are high-functioning individuals. “There are definitely different degrees of severity of BPD,” Saltz says.

Making Peace With Borderline Personality Disorder as a Couple

Once Stephanie was able to get an accurate diagnosis and the right medication, she says her illness became more manageable. “I don’t get those blowout anger episodes anymore,” she says.

Therapy and learning more effective ways to communicate has also helped her marriage. When Stephanie is struggling, for example, she’ll tell Jerome, “Today is an off day,” which helps him understand and not take things personally, but still offer support, even if it’s a simple hug.

Instead of letting an argument escalate, they’re able to neutralize a disagreement before it gets out of control. “Going down that path and going blow for blow isn’t going to get us anywhere,” Jerome says.

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Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking

Borderline Personality Disorder. National Institute of Mental Health. December 2017.
Miano A, Fertuck EA, Roepke S, Dziobek. Romantic Relationship Dysfunction in Borderline Personality Disorder-A Nautralistic Approach to Trustworthiness Perception. Personality Disorders. July 2017.

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How to Handle a Relationship With Someone Who Has It

Written by Kate Rope

People who live with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have a hard time regulating their emotions, which can be very intense, and handling stress. This can lead them to lash out at the people in their lives. As a result, they often have turbulent relationships that are as hard for the other people in them as BPD is for the person living with it. If you live with someone who has BPD, this isn’t news to you, but you may feel be at a loss about how to do anything about it.

Daniel S. Lobel, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in supporting the loved ones of people with BPD, has advice on how to help yourself, your partner, and your relationship get to a healthier place.

Learn About Borderline Personality Disorder

Living with borderline personality disorder -- or living with someone who has it -- can be isolating. People with BPD and the people who live with them often feel totally alone. Education is critical, especially when it comes to the behaviors that come with the condition.

People with BPD tend to lash out and attack the person who doesn’t have it, Lobel says. “So people who are with people who have BPD end up feeling bad about themselves. ”

Learning about how BPD causes this helps people who don’t have it understand that it isn’t them. Lobel suggests these sites to learn more about borderline personality disorder and find support:

BPDcentral.com
Personality Disorder Awareness Network
National Alliance on Mental Illness

Take Care of Yourself First

Before you do anything else, “you have to stop the person from hurting you in order to make progress in the relationship,” Lobel says. Trying to help them when you’re being treated poorly -- being yelled at, living with passive aggressive behavior -- isn’t safe for you and isn’t likely to help your partner.

Instead, he says, the first step is setting a boundary about your well-being. He suggests telling your partner, “I can’t be with you unless I am well, and in order for me to be well, I have to stop you from hurting me.”

If your partner says they can’t stop, they’ll likely need professional help before you can make any progress. The goal in this step, Lobel says, is to let your partner know, “you have to stop abusing me or we have nowhere to go.”

Set -- and Stick With -- Boundaries

“People with BPD try to get other people to do for them what they should be doing for themselves,” Lobel says. And often they succeed, because the other person just wants to stop the yelling, so they give in.

Instead, tell your partner, “I will not participate in things that are unhealthy.” That might mean insisting they don’t use drugs or alcohol in the house, or not joining in if they do. It could mean leaving if your partner is yelling at you or belittling you.

Enforce Emotional Boundaries, Too

People with borderline personality disorder often bring the people near them into their emotions.

“They think, ‘If I’m angry, you need to be angry too,’ so they will create a circumstance that makes the other person angry,” Lobel says.

If you can spot these trends, it will go a long way toward stopping this co-dependent cycle.

Lobel suggests telling your partner, “You’re angry. I understand. I don’t need to be angry to understand that you’re angry. We can talk about your anger, but you can’t yell at me or be abusive.”

If they can’t stop the behavior, you can tell them “You have to handle this on your own.”

Replace Unhealthy Connection With Healthy Connection

Fighting with or defending yourself from a partner who’s treating you badly saps your interest and ability to do enjoyable things with them. That makes it harder to connect.

Lobel says making a change, like walking away when they’re treating you badly, frees up time and emotional space for you to have positive interactions, like watching a movie or taking a walk together. These are more positive ways of showing love.

Be Consistent

“Consistency is so important,” Lobel says, “because people with BPD test boundaries. If you set a limit, they may see what ways they can push or encroach on the limit.” If the pattern between you has been to let boundaries be stretched or broken over a long time, it won’t change overnight.

“You can’t just change up the boundary one day and expect them to comply,” he says. “In the short-term they will test it more.” That means things are likely to get worse before they get better.

“But if you can get past that part, and if you are very consistent,” Lobel says, “they will start to accept your boundaries.” They won’t stop testing your limits, but they will do it less and less.

Support Your Partner’s Treatment

There’s no medication that specifically treats borderline personality disorder. But there are therapies, like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is the go-to treatment. “Trying to get them into a DBT program is very helpful,” Lobel says, because it teaches people with BPD healthier ways to respond and interact. You’ll want to find a therapist who’s has experience working with DBT and with people who have borderline personality disorder.

Let your loved one know DBT can help anyone, not just folks with BPD, because it “helps people communicate and increase their tolerance for stress. ”

Provide recognition when they make progress. “Compliment and comment on any positive changes and behaviors you notice,” Lobel says.

Know When You Need to Protect Yourself

“The ultimate boundary in a relationship with someone who has BPD, is telling them, ‘I just can’t stay,’” Lobel says. How do you know when it’s time to draw that line? Here are a few things to watch out for.

Physical violence. Nobody should stay in a relationship where there’s continued physical violence, Lobel says. “Someone will get hurt, the police will be involved, nothing good can come from that."
Too many boundaries. When there are so many topics or kinds of interactions you need to avoid to prevent your partner from lashing out, you’ve removed most of the sources of potential communication, intimacy, and connection.
Your partner is unwilling to make changes. “If the person insists, ‘there is nothing wrong with me, it’s all you,’ that’s a red flag, and you probably have to pack your bags,” Lobel says.
Your mood is consistently bad. “Are you walking around miserable all the time?” Lobel asks. “If you feel crappy about this relationship all day, every day, you gotta go.”

Know When to Protect Your Partner

One symptoms of BPD is self-harm, like cutting, or suicidal gestures such as overdose. If you see your partner injuring themselves, call 911.

Living Together: 5 Questions Before Starting

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Man and Woman

Before you begin to agree on minor household issues: what bath mat to choose or what color should be the dishes for a gala dinner, try to come to an agreement on more global issues. It is better to discuss them with your partner in advance, for example, when you first think about the time to start living together.

Here are five difficulties that couples most often face when they decide to move to a new stage in a relationship. Psychologists recommend talking about this before you start packing.

1. How do you both feel about marriage?

This may seem like a rather strange question for those who have already decided to live together. But are your motives the same? “For each of the partners, living together can mean something different,” warns psychologist Janet Reibstein. - For some, this is a natural stage before the wedding. And for some, it’s just a step in a relationship, without any plans for the future.”

Everyone has their own idea of "how to". How to pay, cook meals, wash dishes, water flowers and make beds

Think about why you made this decision. If the prospect of marriage doesn't scare you both, great! But if you want to move in together to save your fading feelings, think again, is it necessary to save them?

2. Who pays the bills and who does the dishes

Money and housework are the two main causes of family quarrels. Ask yourself the question: is the partner responsible, how will he behave in difficult situations? “When we begin to live in marriage, the scripts of behavior laid down in us in deep childhood by the family come to the fore,” explains Janet Reibstein. - Obviously, we share with a partner not only living space, but also life. It would be nice to understand that everyone has their own idea of \u200b\u200bhow it should be. How to pay, cook meals, wash dishes, water flowers and make beds.

Ideally, you need to find a middle ground between how you and your partner see the situation. In such matters, there is no ideal and there are no concepts of "correct" - just try to develop a scheme that will suit both. And most importantly, if you do not like how, for example, a partner vacuums, do not think that you have stopped loving him. Think about it, do you have a claim specifically to your spouse, or is it still to your (deceived) expectations?

3. How do your disputes end?

How couples deal with conflict affects their relationship. But, as with issues of everyday life and money, there are no categories of “right” / “wrong”. Many begin to quarrel after they come together. But even if you've had some petty spats or major door-slamming fights before, things will be different now.

“The way you argue and fight will have to change,” says relationship coach Susan Quilliam. - At least you will have nowhere else to go, slamming the door loudly. Especially if the apartment is small. There is a possibility that not only the manner will change, but also a reason for disputes. For example, if you turned a blind eye to your partner’s chronic lateness, now they can begin to annoy you more.

“Life together requires good managerial skills,” says Janet Reibstein. - There will always be topics that constantly pop up in disputes. And only couples who are ready to accept this and approach this difficult task creatively have a chance to survive.”

4. How can we diversify our sex life?

Most of us believe that sex will change as the relationship develops. But almost everyone expects only one thing from living together - the complete fading of interest in each other and the transformation of sex into a routine. “Of course, inaccessibility and spontaneity add fire to sex,” Susan Quilliam comments. “On the other hand, it depends on us whether sex will get better over time.”

We complain about the lack of novelty and mystery, but we forget what role a unique and intimate knowledge of all the partner's erogenous zones, his wildest desires, what he likes and what not can play. At the same time, a long life together really does not always imply novelty in sex, and one can only dream of spontaneous desire, like in the first months of a relationship...

Overwhelmed by the excitement and novelty of living together, we often underestimate the importance of purely personal space and time

“Dating is a proven way to shake things up, but believe me, if you dedicate at least one day off to each other and experimenting in bed, the benefits will be much greater”, sums up Susan Quilliam.

5. What if I need to be alone?

“One of the biggest changes you'll notice when you're in the same apartment together is the complete absence of the personal space you're so used to at home,” warns Susan Quilliam. Yes, this may sound trite. But overwhelmed by the excitement and novelty of living together, we often underestimate the importance of purely personal space and time. Only after a few months do we feel an acute lack of privacy.

“It's moments like these that make you feel guilty,” Susan Quilliam continues. - And sometimes he even thinks about the strength of his feelings for a partner. But the desire for personal space often means something quite different. Moreover, it is a perfectly natural and necessary desire.”

If you have the opportunity to divide the rooms in the apartment, then this will solve the problem. For example, make an office or at least agree on who occupies which room when. But if this is not possible, look for a solution outside the home. Fitness, dancing, drawing class and meditation lessons - believe me, sometimes it's worth spending time separately. Because it can be so wonderful to miss each other.

More at psychologies.co.uk

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Living together: Discuss these things before you start living together with a boyfriend (girlfriend)

For any couple, there comes a moment when the period of romantic meetings ends, and there is a mutual desire to move to a new level - to live together. I must say, this decision scares many. After all, there are so many questions about how to build a joint life. There is only one key to solving this problem - an open conversation. But where to start and what should you pay attention to?

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We have compiled a small list of topics that need to be discussed. If the number of questions seems large, then break your serious conversation into several small ones, there is nowhere to rush. And it won't look like a disclaimer. It’s worth starting with the most significant topics, and some, insignificant ones, can be resolved already when you move in.

Home improvement and responsibilities

What will be the distribution of responsibilities?

In addition to simple cleaning (which can be handled by an outside person or organization), there are many other daily tasks. Someone needs to wash and iron clothes, take out the trash, buy food, cook. First, discuss which of you will find it easier to do what. It may turn out that a man loves to cook, but washing floors is not for him. If there are things that are unpleasant for both, then just set a schedule for them and do them in turn.

What are your eating habits?

Cute vegan preferences can be a problem in family life. Are you ready to stick to one diet or will you cook separate dishes for each?

Who will shower first thing in the morning?

This simple question can turn out to be very fundamental and embroil you. No one wants to feel dirty all day because of lack of time. Most often, we get up at the same time and the question: “Who should go to the shower first?” becomes fundamental

What will your apartment look like?

What works for one person may not work for two. You need to think about what kind of renovation you need, what furniture you might need, and who will choose and decorate. It would be useful to indicate - will the spending be joint or individual?

What to do with collections?

The fact that one of you wants to have all your collections or collections of books next to you can be confusing. You have to think in advance what to do with all these records, discs or other fan artifacts.

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Your relationship

How often will you spend evenings apart?

Some couples cannot live without each other, while others, on the contrary, want to have more freedom. Does living together with a loved one eliminate the need for friendly meetings? Yes, and from time to time you need to visit relatives, but someone has their own hobby clubs. It is necessary to think over this question in advance and discuss the scope of freedom. A related question is, will you always have dinner together? For some, a family dinner is an important tradition and a guarantee of strong relationships, while others do not devote time to this at all.

Attitude towards privacy .

Every person sometimes seeks solitude. It is necessary to agree that at such moments the partner will not disturb you. Everyone should have the right to read a book while lying in a warm bath.

What will be your time together?

When people live separately, they easily find an excuse to be around: a picnic, a trip to the cinema or a nightclub. But living together, it is easy to find yourself in a situation where you don’t need to invent anything. As a result, pastime can slip into watching TV shows in a supine position. Without joint leisure, family life will slide into boredom.

Joint activities should be considered. It can be trips to quizzes, jogging, master classes, a joint hobby. You should try to find something interesting for both of you, and not just adapt to your partner. And this balance will only strengthen your relationship.

Who will plan and organize friendly and family gatherings?

One of you can plan the promised trip to visit friends in the evening, and the other can get together on the same day to visit your parents. It is worth having a common calendar, at least based on a solution from Google, and entering such plans there.

Do you have a relationship plan?

This question will have to be discussed sooner or later. Someone is ready to get married within a couple of months after the start of a life together, and for someone, the period can stretch for years. Too frequent conversations on this topic put pressure and can cause a quarrel, but why not at least draw some deadlines for yourself? Planning an engagement, a wedding, the birth of a child, the acquisition of a house is scary, but it is possible to make vague sketches though. And in this matter it is important to be honest. If you are afraid of marriage, then you should openly tell your partner about it. It is likely that he is also afraid of such a prospect, and then it is worth postponing the moment of a specific conversation on this topic. When making an important decision, it is worth knowing that both of you are ready for it.

Ritual of meetings and farewells

It may seem like an insignificant trifle, but this question is important. If someone wants to be greeted with a kiss, then the other eschews tenderness. The difference in desires can give rise to discontent and misunderstanding. Are you not kissed goodbye because they are not used to doing it, or is there some kind of resentment?

Privacy Boundaries

Today we are used to flaunting our personal lives on social media. But there is something that must remain within the family. It is worth discussing the scope of the public and what should not be told to the whole world.

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Finance

Paying bills .

First, decide who will monitor and pay the utility bills, who pays the apartment rent and who will be responsible for the mortgage.

How will joint purchases be carried out?

You need to decide for yourself whether you will simply chip in each time for something or analyze spending based on the results of the month. Or maybe you should open a joint account? This option seems to be the most optimal – you don’t have to track each other’s spending or make refunds.

How much are you willing to spend on unnecessary items?

There are always expenses that can be called optional. This may be ordering food at home, lunch in a cafe, going to a restaurant. And if for someone this question is a mere trifle, then his partner may consider such expenses unnecessary. We need to find a compromise and create a balance. For example, eat homemade food five days a week, and on the weekends allow yourself to go to a cafe or order pizza.

Determine significant expenses

Over time, you willy-nilly understand what expenses are significant for you: repairs, travel, furniture, gadgets, clothes. But it is better to discuss them all the same in advance so that there are no questions from your partner.

Discuss your financial balance

It can be very bad news when your partner brings his financial debts into the family. If you want to build a long-term relationship, then it is worth taking an inventory of your assets, income and expenses in advance.

What are your cost goals?

One of you may be striving for something that requires a lot of money. It can be a trip, buying an apartment or a car, a huge TV. It is worth voicing these desires and comparing them in advance with the joint budget.

How are you going to achieve the announced goals?

Are you going to take out a loan for housing or a car or will you be saving? Support and motivate each other, and financial accounting apps and services will help you with this.

How do you deal with financial pressure?

Most often, incomes in a couple are unequal. But it is far from a fact that this ratio will remain for life. After all, a partner can have a career, or he can choose a quieter and less profitable life. Yes, and with a child after his birth, someone will have to sit for a couple of years. It is important that everyone in the relationship feel comfortable, and not sigh about injustice and their burdens. And it's a good idea to create a plan in case one of you loses his job or his income drops. Remember that mishandling money is not a sentence, this issue can and should be learned from more experienced people. Adopt good habits from them, they will help you get rid of bad ones.

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And other questions

There are a number of other questions that you should ask each other, as they will come up sooner or later:

How will you show your feelings for your partner?
What will be your manifestations of anger or displeasure?
How do you prefer to spend the holidays?
Are you ready to communicate with each other's relatives, visit them?
What is your attitude towards religion?
Do you want to have children?
How do you want to raise your children?
Are you ready to change your place of residence if your partner wants or has to do it?
How do you see your career?
All questions concerning sexual life.
How will you behave towards each other in case of separation?

There seems to be a lot of questions, but it is not at all necessary to receive all the answers at once. Sometimes it is worth waiting until they appear by themselves already in the course of living together. True, sometimes this can happen during a quarrel.

But remember that you can always improve your relationship by changing something in it: remove annoying things, change housing, find another job or hobby, spend more time at home and family, change the style of your humor. It is important not to ask questions, but to hear the answers, understanding each other and wanting to work on relationships for them to flourish.