Letting go of painful memories

12 Tips for Letting Go of the Past

One thing that connects us as human beings is our ability to feel pain. Whether that pain is physical or emotional, we all have experiences of being hurt. What separates us though, is how we deal with that pain.

Experts have found that when emotional pain prevents you from healing from a situation, it’s a sign that we aren’t moving forward in a growth-oriented way.

One of the best ways to heal from hurts is to learn lessons from the situation and use those to focus on growth and forward momentum. If we get stuck in thinking about what “should have been,” we can become immobilized in painful feelings and memories.

If you’re trying to move forward from a painful experience, but you’re not sure how to get started, here are 12 tips to help you let go.

1. Create a positive mantra to counter the painful thoughts

How you talk to yourself can either move you forward or keep you stuck. Often, having a mantra that you tell yourself in times of emotional pain can help you reframe your thoughts.

For example, says clinical psychologist Carla Manly, PhD, instead of getting stuck in, “I can’t believe this happened to me!” try a positive mantra such as, “I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life — one that is good for me.”

2. Create physical distance

It’s not uncommon to hear someone say that you should distance yourself from the person or situation that is causing you to be upset.

According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, that’s not such a bad idea. “Creating physical or psychological distance between ourselves and the person or situation can help with letting go for the simple reason that we are not having to think about it, process it, or being reminded of it as much,” she explains.

3. Do your own work

Focusing on yourself is important. You have to make the choice to address the hurt that you’ve experienced. When you think about a person who caused you pain, bring yourself back to the present. Then, focus on something that you’re grateful for.

4. Practice mindfulness

The more we can bring our focus to the present moment, says Lisa Olivera, a licensed marriage and family therapist, the less impact our past or future has on us.

“When we start practicing being present, our hurts have less control over us, and we have more freedom to choose how we want to respond to our lives,” she adds.

Online meditation options

Read our review of the best online meditation options to find the right fit for you.

5. Be gentle with yourself

If your first response to not being able to let go of a painful situation is to criticize yourself, it’s time to show yourself some kindness and compassion.

Olivera says this looks like treating ourselves like we would treat a friend, offering ourselves self-compassion, and avoiding comparisons between our journey and those of others.

“Hurt is inevitable, and we may not be able to able to avoid pain; however, we can choose to treat ourselves kindly and lovingly when it comes,” Olivera explains.

6. Allow the negative emotions to flow

If you’re fear of feeling negative emotions is causing you to avoid them, don’t worry, you’re not alone. In fact, Durvasula says that many times, people are afraid of feelings such as grief, anger, disappointment, or sadness.

Rather than feeling them, people just try to shut them out, which can disrupt the process of letting go. “These negative emotions are like riptides,” explains Durvasula. “Let them flow out of you… It may require mental health intervention, but fighting them can leave you stuck,” she adds.

7. Accept that the other person may not apologize

Waiting for an apology from the person who hurt you will slow down the process of letting go. If you’re experiencing hurt and pain, it’s important you take care of your own healing, which may mean accepting that the person who hurt you isn’t going to apologize.

8. Engage in self-care

When we are hurting, it often feels like there is nothing but hurt. Olivera says practicing self-care can look like setting boundaries, saying no, doing the things that bring us joy and comfort, and listening to our own needs first.

“The more we can implement self-care into our daily lives, the more empowered we are. From that space, our hurts don’t feel as overwhelming,” she adds.

9. Surround yourself with people who fill you up

This simple yet powerful tip can help carry you through a lot of hurt.

We can’t do life alone, and we can’t expect ourselves to get through our hurts alone, either, explains Manly. “Allowing ourselves to lean on loved ones and their support is such a wonderful way of not only limiting isolation but of reminding us of the good that is in our lives.”

10. Give yourself permission to talk about it

When you’re dealing with painful feelings or a situation that hurt you, it’s important to give yourself permission to talk about it.

Durvasula says sometimes people can’t let go because they feel they aren’t allowed to talk about it. “This may be because the people around them no longer want to hear about it or [the person is] embarrassed or ashamed to keep talking about it,” she explains.

But talking it out is important. That’s why Durvasula recommends finding a friend or therapist who is patient and accepting as well as willing to be your sounding board.

11. Give yourself permission to forgive

Since waiting for the other person to apologize can stall the process of letting go, you may have to work on your own forgiveness.

Forgiveness is vital to the healing process because it allows you to let go of anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or any other feeling you may be experiencing and move on.

12. Seek professional help

If you’re struggling to let go of a painful experience, you may benefit from talking to a professional. Sometimes it’s difficult to implement these tips on your own, and you need an experienced professional to help guide you through the process.

Online therapy options

Read our review of the best online therapy options to find the right fit for you.

To let go of past hurts, you need to make the conscious decision to take control of the situation. However, this can take time and practice. Be kind to yourself as your practice refocusing how you see the situation, and celebrate the small victories you have.

Do Painful Memories Ever Go Away? I Psych Central

It’s natural for your mind to recall painful events. But if these thoughts are interfering with your everyday life, there are strategies that can help.

There may be some things you remember that you wish you didn’t.

Maybe you lost someone close to you, or there was a divorce you didn’t see coming, or you were let go from your job in a painful way.

It’s easy for these kinds of memories to keep you up at night. But there are some expert-backed ways to help you process and integrate painful experiences.

Can you suppress painful memories — block them from your mind? The concept of suppression and repression is a controversial one.

According to research from 2021, repression is a contentious topic in the field of psychology, not to be confused with suppression.

Repression: This theory suggests that your brain can protect you from painful or traumatic events by hiding them from your conscious mind. Experts are still split on whether or not it’s possible to repress trauma.
Suppression: The act of consciously reducing or avoiding difficult emotions as they arise — such as anger, fear, or grief — can be considered memory suppression, according to a 2015 study.

Memories we’re avoiding have a way of showing up at inopportune times in life if we try to stuff them down, says Heidi McBain, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Flower Mound, Texas.

“An example is when people become parents, which is often one of the biggest transitions in our lives,” McBain says. “If you or your partner have painful memories that haven’t been worked through, these may be re-triggered when you become a parent.”

For this reason, it’s recommended to face your feelings as they arise. “Create space to feel the feelings attached to these memories,” McBain suggests.

But if you’re experiencing flashbacks of events, it could be a symptom of PTSD. In this case, working with a healthcare or mental health professional can help manage your symptoms and regulate your nervous system until you can process memories in a safe environment.

If you’ve ever had an unwelcome memory play on repeat in your mind, you may have wished that the movie plot for “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” was real — that you could go to a doctor’s office and simply have your painful memories erased.

If only it were that simple, right?

But your brain is a complex organ that works hard to keep you safe, diligently storing information that could be useful in the future.

Research from 2021 suggests that you’re more likely to remember a stressful event than, say, what you ordered for lunch last week. It all comes down to neurobiology.

During an emotionally charged experience, more areas of your brain light up with activity. Long after the experience is over, it can be difficult for your nervous system to return to a state of rest and digest.

When you live with trauma, for example, the amygdala (“fire alarm”) in your brain can’t differentiate between a threat back then and a threat right now, according to a 2018 study. Relieving a memory can make it feel real again.

Ruminating on negative experiences can keep you in a state of hypervigilance or emotional distress, especially when the memories are difficult to control.

“There can be many different reasons why it’s hard to forget painful memories, and this can differ greatly from person to person based on their own personal life experiences,” says McBain.

Frequently thinking about painful memories could be a symptom of:

complicated grief
depression
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
postpartum depression

Moving on takes time, but there are some strategies that may help.

Try to practice self-compassion

If possible, try to be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion, says Dr. Holly Schiff, a clinical psychologist based in Greenwich, Connecticut.

“If you’re having a hard time letting go, it’s common to criticize yourself for not being able to do so, but instead, treat yourself like you would a friend,” she recommends.

This will mean something different for everyone, but this could include treating yourself lovingly when you’re experiencing pain and engaging in self-care, she explains.

“Taking care of yourself is of the utmost importance, and it also makes you feel more empowered.”

Try to create some distance

Creating distance is crucial when it comes to letting go and moving on from painful memories, says Schiff.

“Whether that’s physical distance from the person or situation or just psychological distance between yourself and the upsetting issue, it’s helpful because then your brain doesn’t have to think about it, process it, or be reminded of it as much.”

Distance could come in the form of:

having a “letting go” ceremony
limiting interactions with someone
putting photos away for safekeeping
removing physical reminders from your space
taking a trip away for a few days
temporarily deactivating social media

Allow yourself to feel your feelings

It can feel impossible to sit with negative emotions brought on by painful memories at times. In fact, it may feel easier to avoid them, but this could be counterproductive.

“Instead of allowing your feelings to flow, you shut them out, which actually disrupts the process of letting go,” explains Schiff.

Instead, try to allow yourself the space and time to sit with your emotions.

“Make the conscious decision to take control of the situation to let go and move on from a painful memory,” Schiff adds. “This can take time and practice, so be sure to celebrate the small victories along the way.”

Try to cultivate a mindfulness practice

Practicing mindfulness and bringing your focus to the present moment can help keep painful memories at bay, says Schiff.

“When you start to practice being present, the things that hurt you have less control over you,” she explains. “You actually have more freedom and agency to choose how you want to respond and what path you want to chart for yourself and your life.”

Some mindfulness practices may include:

breathwork
grounding exercises
meditation
reflective journaling
walking meditation
yoga

Consider seeking the support of a therapist

You don’t have to do this alone. There are many types of therapy that may be helpful to you as you work through and process painful memories, says McBain.

“Depending on the person, individual talk therapy can be very helpful,” McBain adds. “Your therapist may use eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques during your sessions.”

EMDR is a technique that can help you safely process traumatic memories through a series of phases. After the preparation sessions, gentle taps (hands or knees), right then left, may be used to stimulate both sides of your brain to help you process and integrate the painful event.

While the mechanics behind this theory are often debated, this therapy can be useful for trauma and PTSD.

Another useful therapy for trauma is exposure therapy. During this therapy, you’ll be gradually guided toward processing and integrating an experience, little by little.

There’s a growing body of research that suggests that the body holds onto trauma in the body, so somatic therapies could be another option to help you cope. But more research on whether this approach can be helpful is needed.

You can use our search tools to find a therapist familiar with EMDR, trauma, or grief work.

Consider group therapy

If individual therapy doesn’t appeal to you, a group therapy session can help with individual work, says McBain.

“Sometimes couples counseling is also warranted, especially if the painful memories are negatively impacting your marriage or your relationship with your partner,” McBain says.

It can also be helpful to seek out a support group and join those who are going through a similar experience as you. Aside from knowing that you’re not alone in this, others may have resources and guidance to pass along.

Letting go of the past is hard.

Your brain is wired to imprint emotionally-charged experiences. Additionally, your nervous system can take a while to return back to its baseline homeostasis.

If you think your symptoms are caused by PTSD or another mental health condition, consider reaching out to a healthcare or mental health professional. With some support and self-care, it’s possible to integrate difficult experiences.

Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll forget what happened. But it does mean that you’ll fold the memories into the fabric of your life, so they can contribute to the person you are today.

How to let go of the past and get rid of bad memories

September 13, 2020 A life

Getting rid of painful memories is essential. However, in practice this is not so easy to do. Use these tips to finally let go of your past.

Why it's so difficult

What we spend our energy on, both positive and negative, accumulates over time. If you dwell on pain, regrets, and guilt, they will continue to haunt you. If you focus on happiness and joy, you will notice that there are more of them in your life. nine0003

You must have had situations in your life when you tried to get rid of stress, but as a result, you became even more nervous. Or they wanted to calm down, but found even more reasons to worry.

The same thing happens when we try to let go of the past. Until we turn our attention completely to something else, we will continue to suffer from painful memories.

Accept reality

Do not deny or push away painful memories. You can't focus on a problem and find a solution. Because the solution is always not where the problem is. nine0003

Try to switch. To do this, first accept reality. Don't argue with your thoughts and feelings. Don't resist. Don't push them away. Instead, let them exist.

For example, to come to terms with your guilt, say to yourself: “Yes, I am guilty.” If you can't forgive someone you've been wronged, say, "Yes, I can't forgive that person."

This does not mean that all this is true. It's just a way to control negative thoughts and emotions so they don't control you. By agreeing with them, you stop the fight. And if there is nothing more to argue about, then negative thoughts and memories lose their power. 1:0 in your favor. nine0003

Let the new into your life

Change is always fearful, especially when we have no idea what lies ahead. This is one of the reasons why we cling to painful memories so much. After all, they symbolize that habitual and familiar, from which we are afraid to refuse.

To prevent this from happening, try to imagine as carefully as possible what will happen in the future. Instead of pushing away unwanted emotions, let positive ones into your life. nine0003

Focus on your desires

Mentally scrolling through our mistakes, dwelling on the past, we only get upset. This not only darkens the future, but also makes the present bleak.

Stop pushing away painful memories and accept reality. Say yes to worry, guilt, and other negative thoughts. So you can free yourself from their influence.

Then imagine how you would like your life to be. Focus on your desires, not on the past. nine0003

How to get rid of a traumatic memory?

A traumatic memory is a memory of a traumatic situation that is firmly imprinted in the psyche of a person and causes post-traumatic stress disorder. Such a memory can be, for example, rape, an accident, a terrorist attack, as well as participation in hostilities. To cope with a traumatic memory, if it is accompanied by flashbacks (sudden memories of a traumatic situation) and other symptoms, you cannot do it yourself - you need to contact a specialist for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder. nine0003

How and why do traumatic memories appear?

One of the main symptoms that a person has a traumatic memory is flashbacks - memories that arise out of the blue, breaking into the psyche in everyday life. At the same time, a person at the moment preceding the flashback does not think about the traumatic situation, does not remember it, he can think about something completely different and do ordinary things. Flashback can cause any association: for example, a person goes to the store, stands in front of a shelf with cornflakes and at one moment he is thrown back, he falls into the past and seems to be re-experiencing a traumatic event. nine0003

It is very difficult to live with traumatic memories, because in addition to flashbacks, they bring along a number of other symptoms, for example, panic attacks or aggressiveness.

Somewhere in 95% of cases, the human psyche independently copes with traumatic memories, does not dwell on them, but in the remaining 5% PTSD usually develops. That is, for the most part, such memories are gradually experienced by a person on their own, after some time after them, he is restored and continues to live a normal life. Memories go into the past under a layer of new life situations and do not remain traumatic for a person, do not carry a serious emotional burden. That is, a person can remember the situation, be sad, but this does not become a symptom of his disorder, but remains only a memory. nine0003

Why are some people not willing to let go of traumatic memories?

It is very difficult to live with traumatic memories, because in addition to flashbacks, they bring along a number of other symptoms, for example, panic attacks or aggressiveness. They can also lead to depression or generalized anxiety disorder. Such symptoms can be eliminated only with the help of a specialist and certain psychotherapeutic techniques. However, not everyone is ready to part with traumatic memories, and there are several main reasons for this. Firstly, most people do not know at all that this problem can be eliminated. They are convinced that if pills and medicines do not help them, they are doomed to live with it. Secondly, many people are afraid of psychotherapists, they are afraid that they will delve into the brains and break something there, or even erase the memory. People are afraid that the therapist might bring to the surface something they would like to hide or erase memories they need. nine0003

Another reason is that PTSD survivors often see this trauma as a very important part of themselves and their lives, while much of their lives are devalued. A person with PTSD practically lives on memories of a traumatic situation, and, of course, he does not like the idea that a psychotherapist will take away the only significant thing that he has left. Another reason is that people depend on emotions. With PTSD, external events in life lose their value, leaving only a traumatic memory from which a person draws strong emotions. Neither sex, nor food, nor interesting work, nor friends can give such intense emotions as trauma does. That is why a person is not ready to part with it and learn to re-experience emotions from something else. nine0003

After all, if a person finds solace in his traumatic memories and flashbacks, then he does not live a real life.

Some people do not want to get rid of traumatic memories because they are afraid of betraying those who participated with them in traumatic events. For example, if a person got into an accident with a friend, and the friend ended up in a serious condition in the hospital, the person simply does not want to end his own suffering while his friend is suffering. He will think that he does not deserve help, does not deserve to feel good, and will perceive this as a betrayal. nine0003

In PTSD, you cannot leave one symptom and treat the rest. You cannot leave a traumatic memory dear to a person, but at the same time remove panic attacks, irritability, poor concentration and sleep problems. Traumatic memory is the main, central symptom, and if it is left, then all other problems will follow it and appear again. If a patient seeks professional help, and then it turns out that he is not ready to part with a traumatic memory, specialists still try to show him the need for treatment. After all, if a person finds solace in his traumatic memories and flashbacks, then he does not live a real life. nine0003

How to erase a traumatic memory and deal with flashbacks?

Working with traumatic memories is always complex. It never begins with simply erasing a memory or replacing it with another. First of all, the patient learns to enjoy life and integrates into society. Only after a person begins to live a fuller, more eventful life in society, does work begin directly with memories. The main task is to ensure that flashbacks do not return. At the same time, there is no goal to save a person from remembering, he can continue to remember a certain situation, it just should not be his symptom. nine0003

People who have been accustomed to living with PTSD for decades can recover from the disorder and get the help they need in just a few months of treatment, using the services of a psychotherapist.

There are several techniques to help turn a traumatic memory into a normal one. The first technique is memory rewriting, when the patient is asked to create a different scenario of the traumatic situation. For example, in a situation where a child was raped by a father, you can invite the child to write a different scenario. For example, in a new memory, the father may be mentally ill, or the child may struggle to resist the abuse. All this makes the memory less traumatic and changes the significance of the event. nine0003

The second way to deal with traumatic memories comes from Neuro Linguistic Programming. The patient is invited to step back from the traumatic situation and look at it from the outside. This helps to reduce the level of stress at the moment when a person remembers traumatic events.

See also

Painful emotions

Another extremely effective way to deal with a traumatic situation is EMDR. This is a treatment with the help of eye movements. Post-traumatic stress disorder disrupts the corpus callosum in the brain, which connects the two hemispheres. Because of this, the transfer of information between the hemispheres is defective. In EMDR treatment, the patient is asked to move their eyes from side to side in order to increase the work of both hemispheres. As a result of this therapy, the volume of the corpus callosum and its functioning are restored, and the symptoms of PTSD are reduced. nine0003

Flashbacks and traumatic memories can be dealt with very quickly. People who have been accustomed to living with PTSD for decades can recover from the disorder and get the help they need in just a few months of treatment, using the services of a psychotherapist.

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