Letting go healing

What it Means to “Let Go” (and Why It’s an Essential Part of Healing)

There is a common misconception that the real you is only seen through your unfiltered thoughts and words, the you who emerges without any thoughtful processing. You hold up your immediate reaction on a pedestal. As a result, you believe that it defines your identity and reveals the core of who you are. In reality, this is completely untrue. The real you is not your initial reaction. The real you is your response that comes after your reaction. The real you is the one who can weave out of the grasp of the past and produce an authentic response that is based in the present.

Your initial reaction is your past revealing itself. Whether or not you are aware of it, how you felt before has been largely bottled up inside you. Your perception will measure everything you encounter in life today by its similarities to what you have felt in the past. If you see or feel something associated with a negative reaction, you will react in the same way in the present, even if your assessment of what is happening is exaggerated and incorrect. For the vast majority of us, our perception is completely colored by our past and our reactions seek to repeat themselves endlessly.

The mind moves so rapidly that it feels as if we are being authentic, when in reality we are letting our past experiences dictate how we feel in the present. Sometimes when we are triggered, we feel justified in expressing our anger by yelling or by loudly acting out our frustration, but this is not a sign of authenticity. This just reveals that we are caught in a cycle where our minds are overloaded with tension that keeps trying to feed its own fire. This is why slowing down and pausing will help us regain our footing in the present, process what is happening and align our actions with how we want to show up in the world. This is a much greater signifier of who you actually are than the random things your mind blurts out. Let go of the idea that who you are is whatever you impulsively do and recenter yourself on the fact that authenticity is a quality that requires strengthening and cultivation. Also accept that your authentic self can change and mature over time—you are not stuck in old ideas, patterns, and identities.

The river of life wants to move you toward embracing change.

Being intentional is the same as being authentic. Staying in alignment with your values and with the version of yourself you are cultivating is the fundamental aspect of authenticity. Without intention, you would be aimless. Through intention, you reveal your truth. To simply let past self dominate your present-day thoughts, words, and actions is to miss out on fully living your life. Doing this means you are stuck in a loop where you are repeatedly replaying the past and strengthening patterns that don’t necessarily support your happiness. Reinforcing the past keeps you stagnant, which may be easy in the moment because the past is familiar, but ultimately does not serve you well. The river of life wants to move you toward embracing change.

Letting Go Takes Time

To be able to chip away at these old reactions that keep coming up and chart a new course in our behavior is a long road to travel. Often, the conditioning that we accumulate becomes dense and packs into the mind like hardened sediment from times long ago. Unconsciously, we carry these thick layers of concrete as patterns that keep affecting us in the present. It is completely possible to heal and let go, but it serves us best to be realistic about how much we carry inside us and how long it will take to fully rewire the mind. To be able to take on a fresh per- spective and reframe old problems does not happen quickly. Healing is not possible without patience. And we must accept that letting go is a gradual process.

If the pain was deep you will have to let it go many times

Letting go is not a one-time event; it is a habit that requires consistent repetition to become strong. Sometimes the reaction to the pain is so deep that we have to observe and release the tension repeatedly to fully cleanse the wound. Patterns for specific types of behaviors can be so firmly rooted that during our healing process we may feel that the same issues keep coming up for us to work on. We may even feel like we aren’t making progress because of these persistent patterns, but in reality we are just getting the opportunity to release deeper layers of the same material.

The purpose of letting go is not to erase emotions, but to acknowledge their presence and transform your relationship to them. Before I began healing, my fear was that the sadness would always remain, but once I started embracing the truth of impermanence it became clear that, yes, the sadness had emerged and may stay around for some time, but it simply would not last forever. Understanding that it was only passing through made it more tolerable and less of a factor as I navigated my daily life. Being able to let go while a tough emotion is passing through helps us be OK with not being OK.

Letting go reaches deeper levels when your observation of what is happening inside you is done with total acceptance and when you remember that every part of life is impermanent. Especially in the mind, adding more tension to the tension that is already there will not make things better.

When tension is met with unconditional acceptance, it has the space it needs to naturally unfold and release. Unloading and facing the mental weight of past hurt is never easy, but it is possible, especially when you feel ready for a great transformation.

When you put yourself through the process of letting go, you gain greater access to the here and now. Ultimately, letting go is a mental state of clarity, where you no longer cause yourself extra suffering. Understanding that you can benefit from letting go is critical, but the next step is finding your practice so that you can start your own deep healing work. Wanting to let something go and having the tools to support you in this process are two very different things.

From the book Lighter: Let Go of the Past, Connect with the Present, and Expand the Future by Yung Pueblo. Copyright © 2022 by Diego Perez Lacera. Published by Harmony Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.

12 Tips for Letting Go of the Past

One thing that connects us as human beings is our ability to feel pain. Whether that pain is physical or emotional, we all have experiences of being hurt. What separates us though, is how we deal with that pain.

Experts have found that when emotional pain prevents you from healing from a situation, it’s a sign that we aren’t moving forward in a growth-oriented way.

One of the best ways to heal from hurts is to learn lessons from the situation and use those to focus on growth and forward momentum. If we get stuck in thinking about what “should have been,” we can become immobilized in painful feelings and memories.

If you’re trying to move forward from a painful experience, but you’re not sure how to get started, here are 12 tips to help you let go.

1. Create a positive mantra to counter the painful thoughts

How you talk to yourself can either move you forward or keep you stuck. Often, having a mantra that you tell yourself in times of emotional pain can help you reframe your thoughts.

For example, says clinical psychologist Carla Manly, PhD, instead of getting stuck in, “I can’t believe this happened to me!” try a positive mantra such as, “I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life — one that is good for me.”

2. Create physical distance

It’s not uncommon to hear someone say that you should distance yourself from the person or situation that is causing you to be upset.

According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, that’s not such a bad idea. “Creating physical or psychological distance between ourselves and the person or situation can help with letting go for the simple reason that we are not having to think about it, process it, or being reminded of it as much,” she explains.

3. Do your own work

Focusing on yourself is important. You have to make the choice to address the hurt that you’ve experienced. When you think about a person who caused you pain, bring yourself back to the present. Then, focus on something that you’re grateful for.

4. Practice mindfulness

The more we can bring our focus to the present moment, says Lisa Olivera, a licensed marriage and family therapist, the less impact our past or future has on us.

“When we start practicing being present, our hurts have less control over us, and we have more freedom to choose how we want to respond to our lives,” she adds.

Online meditation options

Read our review of the best online meditation options to find the right fit for you.

5. Be gentle with yourself

If your first response to not being able to let go of a painful situation is to criticize yourself, it’s time to show yourself some kindness and compassion.

Olivera says this looks like treating ourselves like we would treat a friend, offering ourselves self-compassion, and avoiding comparisons between our journey and those of others.

“Hurt is inevitable, and we may not be able to able to avoid pain; however, we can choose to treat ourselves kindly and lovingly when it comes,” Olivera explains.

6. Allow the negative emotions to flow

If you’re fear of feeling negative emotions is causing you to avoid them, don’t worry, you’re not alone. In fact, Durvasula says that many times, people are afraid of feelings such as grief, anger, disappointment, or sadness.

Rather than feeling them, people just try to shut them out, which can disrupt the process of letting go. “These negative emotions are like riptides,” explains Durvasula. “Let them flow out of you… It may require mental health intervention, but fighting them can leave you stuck,” she adds.

7. Accept that the other person may not apologize

Waiting for an apology from the person who hurt you will slow down the process of letting go. If you’re experiencing hurt and pain, it’s important you take care of your own healing, which may mean accepting that the person who hurt you isn’t going to apologize.

8. Engage in self-care

When we are hurting, it often feels like there is nothing but hurt. Olivera says practicing self-care can look like setting boundaries, saying no, doing the things that bring us joy and comfort, and listening to our own needs first.

“The more we can implement self-care into our daily lives, the more empowered we are. From that space, our hurts don’t feel as overwhelming,” she adds.

9. Surround yourself with people who fill you up

This simple yet powerful tip can help carry you through a lot of hurt.

We can’t do life alone, and we can’t expect ourselves to get through our hurts alone, either, explains Manly. “Allowing ourselves to lean on loved ones and their support is such a wonderful way of not only limiting isolation but of reminding us of the good that is in our lives.”

10. Give yourself permission to talk about it

When you’re dealing with painful feelings or a situation that hurt you, it’s important to give yourself permission to talk about it.

Durvasula says sometimes people can’t let go because they feel they aren’t allowed to talk about it. “This may be because the people around them no longer want to hear about it or [the person is] embarrassed or ashamed to keep talking about it,” she explains.

But talking it out is important. That’s why Durvasula recommends finding a friend or therapist who is patient and accepting as well as willing to be your sounding board.

11. Give yourself permission to forgive

Since waiting for the other person to apologize can stall the process of letting go, you may have to work on your own forgiveness.

Forgiveness is vital to the healing process because it allows you to let go of anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or any other feeling you may be experiencing and move on.

12. Seek professional help

If you’re struggling to let go of a painful experience, you may benefit from talking to a professional. Sometimes it’s difficult to implement these tips on your own, and you need an experienced professional to help guide you through the process.

Online therapy options

Read our review of the best online therapy options to find the right fit for you.

To let go of past hurts, you need to make the conscious decision to take control of the situation. However, this can take time and practice. Be kind to yourself as your practice refocusing how you see the situation, and celebrate the small victories you have.

Read online “Letting go hurts more than death. Healing”, Arusyak Artemovna Saribekyan – LitRes

About the book

This book will immerse you in the atmosphere of autumn Dilijan, together with the characters, you will feel the spirituality of Artsakh and find yourself in a winter and truly fabulous Moscow. The continuation of the book - "Letting go is more painful than death", will make you plunge into a whirlpool of events and emotions that will forever leave an imprint in the soul. Will Robert and Astghik be able to find a way to connect their hearts and heal their souls? What decision will Robert make and will the main character be able to trust again the one who once broke her trust and heart? What is hidden under Aren's hatred and will he be able to achieve his goals and permanently remove Robert from his path? Whose side will Razmik take and how will the heroes find their way to happiness? Someone will meet face to face with the past, someone will lose their present. Healing will be a reward for some and a torment for others. nine0005


My books, my work is like a tree that grows, on which the fruits are already ripening. I know, I'm sure that these fruits are my books, many will like them, some will want to taste everything overnight, others will slowly explore, walk around the tree, get used to and feel the soul gradually, while others will try and return to this tree after a while . But I believe that everyone who touches at least a leaf, a flower will not be able to forget. He will find a place in his soul and will come back to me again and again to find Something new. I will generously share, with joy and with great pleasure. Like any tree, I have roots, without which I cannot resist, which feed me, give me strength and energy. My roots are my home, my family, my homeland, my Dilijan, my favorite city is Moscow. My root system is peculiar, but powerful, strong, seemingly different places, impossible phenomena, hobbies are intertwined in it, which may go against what some are used to, they may not coincide or intersect with each other, go in parallel. It is more important to find a balance, I found support, light, a dream and my destiny. Do not be afraid of peculiar desires that give rise to “eternity” in the soul - this is a direct path to finding and finding yourself! Accept yourself as you are, and then your roots will be so strong that no winds or tsunamis can break you or even move you. Like any tree, I aspire to heaven, and I am sure that God gave me a “word” so that I would “inspire” many who are still in search and just looking for an answer. I thank heaven for every second, for every opportunity to feel. I feel the touch of the universe when in the evening, under the starry sky in Dilijan, I sit and hear crickets, smell the forest, the freshness of mountain winds, which seem to carry away and bring thoughts and ideas. Like any tree, I give fruits - my books and dream that the whole world will taste their taste. If, however, someone does not have time to reach his fruit in time, and it falls, then the earth absorbs the seeds and many trees sprout there, which carry a “call”. Everything is not in vain, everything is as it should be and at that very magical moment - a miracle will definitely happen! nine0005

I am very happy for those people who have found peace under the shade of my tree, who are comfortable and do not want to leave, on the contrary, they encourage me to write new books, immerse myself in new emotions and fall in love with life day after day, year after year. My third book, Healing, which is the sequel to Letting Go Harder than Death, is the longest of all books, and I wrote it at intervals of several months. They scared me, it seemed that the light of my inspiration might leave me, because inspiration = blessing, for me, of course. But when I found spiritual harmony, left the excitement and relaxed, ideas and inspiration covered me, which I am very happy about! I don’t try to invent, the story itself dictates the plot to me and each of my characters seems to live their own life, and I, as an outside observer, write down what I see and feel with them. It was sometimes difficult to immerse myself in certain strong feelings, I put off chapters, I was afraid that I would not be able to “emerge” in time, but I worked with myself, with my fears, beliefs and realized that, just like the heroes, I must find my own " healing". nine0005

One can endlessly guess who sows the seed from which the tree ripens. Where does she get her strength from at the very beginning, because only 14 years ago, I could not imagine that my “search for myself” would end with the fact that I would find peace in books, then I myself would want to write. Everything came together very well, but I always followed this path, I just didn’t understand why I liked this or that. Now, I put the knowledge, emotions that I received and experienced into my works. It is very important to seek to find strength in yourself so as not to give up your own ideas, dreams and talents. I feel that God puts this “special, individual grain” in everyone’s soul, and only we ourselves decide to give it life or consider that we didn’t get it by chance. nine0005

I found my healing with this book. Gained strength. Step by step, I studied my own emotions and feelings. Sometimes I went around in circles in order to fully solve the questions that kept riddles in the depths of my heart. Together with my favorite characters, I plunged into a special world that cannot leave anyone indifferent. It was very important for me to show how real this story can be, how close we walk on the edge, how often we say “never” and immediately face situations when everything changes. We are changing... I believe that each of us can make the world kinder, cleaner and brighter. You just need to start with yourself. Open your souls gentlemen and ...

Welcome to my world!

Let the fresh air of the Dilijan firs touch my hair like a veil.

Let them intoxicate my mind with their wisdom.

Let the winters be colder in the mountains,

Let ...

If only the dancing snowflakes would touch my hands, palms and eyes.

Let my braids be braided: dawn, spring, dawn and starfall of my Armenia.

The one and only!

May the silence of my beloved forests warm my ears. nine0005

And maybe sometimes I'll let a tear down my cheek.

Because I always yearn for my native land.

Let the avalanche that frightens everyone,

Close my light for me...

And in the dark, it's calm and good for me, on my sacred land.

Let the blizzard blow…

Save me with your warmth and wisdom.

My chest hurts so much from melancholy.

I yearn for you,

For my land!


Chapter 1. Defeat

"Separation from you tore me to pieces,

Made me believe that there is a hell on earth."

– What is your favorite color? Robert closed his eyes and saw only one color.

“White,” he replies briefly, realizing that there are whole lines in his head that justify why. All because she wore most often white. Because white is the color of purity.

- Green, blue, gray ...

- only brown, - the guy interrupts and sees only one eye.

- Blondes or brunettes? nine0005

- Astghik, - answers and looks at the girl who, with a pencil in her hands, writes down the answers and smiles.

- Do you believe in God? - Robert looked at her, - Okay, what do you think about those who do not believe?

“Fools,” she coughed.

- I'm generally an atheist.

“This is temporary, something always changes,” she did not want to argue and continued her questions.

- Morning, afternoon or night?

- Dawn ... She always wakes up early.

- You seem to be in love - tried to draw a conclusion and smiled. nine0005

- No. I love, - The girl carefully looked at the stranger, who at 8 in the morning was sitting in Gorky Park and looking somewhere. The girl did not dare to approach him, she had to ask three more people according to the survey that she was given at the university. And so, when I was slowly walking through the park to the second pair, I saw him. The guy had been sitting on the bench for a long time, he looked neat in appearance, but she nevertheless decided and sat down beside him. He was so far away mentally that he did not immediately notice that someone was talking to him. nine0005

“Okay,” the girl cleared her throat to get the conversation back on track, “How do you feel about the environment?”

- Neutral.

– Do you think that our nature is in distress precisely in our time?

- I'm sure - Robert did not hear the question - Will she ever forgive me? he asked and the girl looked at him carefully.

“I don't know,” she hesitated, but she saw his expression, which was desperate.

- He won't forgive! - he growled and a fire of self-hatred appeared in his eyes, - What is there to think ?! Do not forgive, period! nine0005

“Okay…” she pulled back a little, “I won’t forgive you,” she whispered and saw the man clenching his fists in despair and pain, “You love. Why don't you say then? Why are you sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, but you don't tell her!

- I'm not a match for her.

- Not for you to decide! She rolled her eyes and closed her notebook.

- Our days are numbered together, we can't be together! She looked fearfully at the man. But she said what she did not expect from herself.

– Are you a coward? - the voice sat down. Robert froze. nine0005

“I don’t know,” he said in a hollow voice and stood up, “I have to go!” He didn't even look at her.

- Tell her the truth! the girl called after him. And she decided that she would never again speak to a stranger in such an early morning, because the man ruined her mood and brought an ocean of pessimism into her almost good morning. And Robert walked along the sidewalk, not understanding where he was going and why, hating himself and his entire existence. He remembered Razmik's call, two days after his arrival in Moscow.

“Guess where I am? Razmik was in a cheerful mood. nine0005

“I have no idea,” Robert said dispassionately.

– I’m going to Astghik, – Hearing her name, Robert felt how several charges of current went through him, and how like a whip they hit his soul, his heart. Hurt. It hurts so much, - When are you coming back? I just arrived from Tsakhkadzor last night, so I decided to visit my brother's fiancee in the morning. Just like you asked, I'll be here until you arrive! But hurry up, otherwise I'll get bored ahead of time. Call them on Skype?

"No need," he came to his senses. So I wanted to shout: “Yes!”. Questions arose in my head, what is Astghik thinking now? After all, he didn’t talk to her, two days passed, only his mother talked to her mother about how they flew, that the products had not deteriorated due to the heat in Yerevan.

- I must have called her a hundred times today! - Razmik laughed, - Okay, I'll be in touch!

Two hours later, Razmik called back. There was no trace of his cheerful mood.

- You didn't talk to her...

"I'm aware," he said dryly.

Razmik did not call him again, after some time he appeared in the office.

Robert put the envelope on his desk, he was too far away in his thoughts, that's why he didn't hear Razmik enter the office.

- What is it? A letter…” Razmik watched as Robert tried to mechanically hide the envelope, “Is this for you?”

“No… I mean…” Robert frowned and looked at his friend.

- just don't say that you wrote Astghik?! Razmik crossed his arms over his chest and looked at the envelope again with disgust. nine0005

– Even if it is, what do you care?! Robert looked disapprovingly at his friend, now not at all lost and confused.

- What do you mean "if this is so"?! Do you want her to wait for letters from you now?! Would you like to tie her to you like this!

- It's not like that...

- You know better than anyone that it's true! Call, go... What's holding you back?! Just don't say you're a father!!!

– What do you think?! – they spoke in raised tones. nine0005

- Answer this question yourself! But if you send her a letter, then know that you are a coward!

– What did you say?!!!

- It's always easiest to write, send and get rid of possible regrets and questions that you are afraid that will appear someday! But you didn't think what would happen to her when she received the letter. What will she have to do with this burden that you wanted to get rid of in the simplest way!

- It's not easy for me!

- It's the easiest, I know! But to come face to face with this… Even I believed you in the summer,” Razmik shrugged. nine0005

- I didn't lie!

“Now make her believe it,” the guy went out, leaving the documents that he brought him on the table. Robert closed his eyes and squeezed the envelope.

Chapter 2. Two different worlds

Astghik walked through the forest and with pleasure felt the sun's rays, which so far escaped from captivity, which would last all winter. Leaves crunched underfoot, and a pleasant aroma quickly spread through the forest. She gathered early in the morning at “Թթուջուր”, only because her brother remembered the taste of water last night. The spring of mineral water was in the forest, Astghik went there from childhood, and the road was familiar to her. The girl gladly set off on the path that she knew by heart. Now, one could think about what she had been trying to ignore all this time. Astghik closed her eyes and remembered the voice, the smile and the promise... The girl shook her head and opened her eyes, her hand stretched to her cheek, on which a tear rolled. She smiled and gently wiped it with her hand. That's what's left of Robert. Also promises that choke at night. She clenched her fists. nine0005

- Nothing! Said and said!

A cold wind pierced her, yes... yes... Astghik hoped that it was just the wind that had recently caressed her skin with its warm breath. The girl looked up at the sky. Of course, it was difficult to see the sky through the tops of the trees, especially when you are on a difficult path, because often you do not have time to raise your head up and think about the eternal, about what worries your soul, you are afraid to go astray. Astghik was also afraid to cry, even secretly, at least once about Robert, who left almost a month ago and never contacted her. Of course, she waited, a day - Two, a week, weeks ... But he did not write, did not call. He just decided that the summer was over, like everything that he left in her, even if among all this was she, a brave girl who fell in love, one who knew with her heart what was impossible to see with her eyes. And it’s only a shame that such feelings did not fill her whole life. It’s like: “Look, this is how love happens, these are relationships, yes, that’s how a person who is in love with you can look at you!”, And at the same time another: “No, no! Do not dare to touch this happiness, suddenly a trace of happiness will remain on your fingers! Wait, don't breathe so deeply, because soon the oxygen will be cut off, and you will not want to breathe, you will stop dreaming! Do not be afraid, of course, over time you will learn to live with sadness, after some ten years, you will even get used to it. It won't hurt so much anymore... in the afternoon. Nobody promises what will happen at night. After all, it is then that feelings are exposed, but you are not like everyone else, you will endure, you can. It seems that sadness exists for people like you who believe that friendship can be sincere, and love is pure and all-consuming. How many of your peers told you: “Come down from heaven to earth, life is not what you imagine!” And what is life? If, at the age of 24, Astghik has seen and felt a miracle more than once. Why does everyone around say the same thing, but what happens to her is what she believes in? She regretted only one thing, that she nevertheless succumbed and decided to give Robert a chance. To your heart." nine0005

The girl wiped away her tears. No! She won't give up now! She does not obey fate, she will not paint her days in gray colors, only because of expectations, only because for the first time she decided to lower her shield and accept love. But was this feeling the one that she had been drawing in her imagination for 24 years, endowing with the brightest feelings, those that she experienced when she read books, watched films and listened to music. It must have been some sort of desolation. Indeed, after the girl realized that he would not call, write or visit, a certain crack formed inside that did not let the light through, for which time did not exist, there were no others, there were questions: “Why?” and for what?!". This is a kind of "black hole", but in the person himself it absorbed everything, leaving you nothing. Each coil of memories hurt more and more. Astghik hoped that at some point it would end and there would be nothing left. She didn’t have the question “For what?”, because she herself could foresee everything and ... Astghik took a breath, if she knew how it would be, would she really not have allowed all that was ?! And in my head is the image of Robert, who takes her by the hand in Tatev and leads somewhere. How real everything was, so close and small ... Not enough! nine0005

How easy it is to feel lonely among hundreds of loved ones, friends, how easy it is to feel lost, how easy it is to lose the taste for life when you almost touched a dream, but it burned, tore to pieces and abandoned. No, it's not Robert's fault. It's all thoughts, dreams and fantasies. Probably you should have been less dreamy, not trying to protect what you have and for the first time feel that you have waited for "HIM". It was impossible to believe. The question arises ... Why then love, which is sure to be, but not now, when you need to feel this feeling so much, when right now you will become happy, this very moment will be acceleration to flight, to a dream. Why aren't these wings? And why are they then? nine0005

Astghik took a deep breath. How easy it is now. When no one asks: “Well, did you write? Haven't called yet? Might be busy!!! Mom and Alla turned her morning into a series of questions and answers. Astghik whispered only once: “He doesn’t want to,” she knew that the only reason was his decision and desire. But WHY? Why did everything change so much…

Alla started talking about him in the evenings and tried to find the answer each time. Astghik was ready to listen to the conversation about him for hours, because somehow she could “be near him”, “touch the time when everything was different”. Razmik visited several times after the departure of a friend, but each time he was gloomier and looked full of regret. Astghik smiled at him as if "everything is fine and nothing happened." The last time he came to say that he was leaving in the morning, he whispered before leaving that he himself did not know what was happening, that he was very sorry. nine0005

“It's a pity…”

“Forget it…”

“You deserve more…” - It's like a blade on a wound that has almost healed, but started to bleed again.

And how to forget when the soul, the heart is hooked? “Don't let go”, don't feel like…

Chapter 3. When the heart is no longer where you are

Robert threw the keys on the table. The time is one in the morning, there was no desire to even drive. Razmik did not speak to him for several days, and when they ran into each other at the office, he said that he was now busy with business and went to his room. Robert broke down at work at everyone and everything, his father “asked” him to go outside. He didn't come back. Riding ... In silence, squeezing the steering wheel, painfully realizing that he was bored, that he could no longer, that he wanted to put pressure on the gas and fly towards her, he drove in the opposite direction. He lost a friend, he knew, he understood. Razmik won't forgive him for doing this to her. And tonight, Robert realized that he had left his heart. And he doesn’t need it, let him at least have it with her. His mother did not come out to meet him, but the kitchen light was on. So she was waiting ... He turned on his phone and went to the window. Suddenly the phone vibrated on the table: Razmik is calling - it glowed on the screen. nine0005

Yes, brother? he replied.

– Will we meet tomorrow? They told me that you flew out of the office ... - he added the last quietly.

is what you need!

- Are you in trouble? Something happened ... - Robert was silent, - She's all right. Spoke today. Was in the forest.

– Ah…

– Yes, I came back home, found out, – interrupted my friend, – Feel better?

– No…

– She didn’t ask about you, if you’re interested, of course. Proud.” Robert smiled. I'm sure I didn't even try to find him on social media. networks. She is different. nine0005

Robert nervously drummed his fingers on the table. Razmik talked about everything, but not about her.

- Aren is needed to sign a profitable contract. He hasn’t arrived yet,” Razmik looked at Robert attentively. He stopped drumming and looked at his friend, indifference to his conversation disappeared in a second. His eyes were filled with blood, he clenched his fist.

- Where is he? he said almost soundlessly. Expecting a very different answer. But Razmik's eyes betrayed the truth long before his answer. "Serves you right!!!" they shouted. nine0005

- In Dilijan. You did not know? he yawned and watched.

- Is he with her? Robert growled, and now Razmik was angry.

- Think what you say!

“What…” Robert trailed off.

- It's my own fault!

- He has changed, they say... - Robert raised his "devilish" eyes, - Astghik says, - he added and Robert got up, put on his glasses, almost breaking them.

“Enough,” Razmik did not follow his friend. He sat in an armchair and squeezed a napkin in his hands from resentment. She is suffering. He is sick. And why did it happen? nine0005

And Razmik knew the reason, when he visited Robert's mother after his return, she told him everything. She said that he spoke with Aren and after Robert made this decision. Razmik knew that Aren was a manipulator and a genius. Aren is able to choose the most correct and necessary words in order to discreetly disarm an opponent. Yes, it's the opponent. After all, everyone who stood in his way automatically became a "goal". Aren did not get her attention then, he considered it a challenge. Robert only took the full dose of his words and fell into oblivion. More precisely, he hadn’t landed yet, Razmik distinctly heard the rumble here, which would be when this happens, he knew that his friend would break into thousands of fragments and no one would collect them. This will happen when Astghik says "yes" to another. Razmik didn't realize it right away, but he realized it and clearly saw how his friend was going out. nine0005

Robert laughed out loud and pressed the gas pedal. There were only two names in my head: Aren. Astghik.

- I let her go myself! - hit the steering wheel, - Himself!

10 steps to healing and transformation

Ekaterina Shchetinina

Family psychologist and certified IFS practitioner Marina Travkova talks about healing and transformation in IFS. Explains how the work with parts is built and whether it is possible to work with them independently. nine0005

You can watch Marina's webinar in its entirety in the My Different Selves course. In the meantime, we publish his excerpt.

Healing steps

The steps are quite simple, but I urge you to be careful. Since you don't have a mental training background, your system is likely to slow down on its own when you try to apply the healing steps to yourself. But when we try to apply these steps to someone else, we can accidentally go further, accidentally touch the Exiles, which the rest of the system is not yet ready for, and it will be painfully affected. nine0005

Step 1. Agree on which part we will work with - "let's go inside"

First, we need to choose the part we will work with - the target part. You can now remember any not very pleasant moment, but not something global. Rate the selected moment from 0 to 10: where 0 is an event that does not excite you in any way, and 10 - it excited you so much that you could not recover at all. We need an event between 3 and 6: a small domestic annoyance that somehow touched your parts. nine0005

Maybe you were outraged or upset or angry or critical of someone or annoyed.

See which parts were present and try to pick the loudest one.

Remember what happened to your body, to your thoughts at the moment of emotional excitement? Try to concentrate on it, separate it from yourself. If possible, try to name this part. For example, "my fear" or "my indignation."

What else do you feel when you think about the situation? If you were unpleasantly wounded in it, most likely there was a moment when the Exile appeared slightly. This is a feeling of shame, humiliation, confusion, when you do not understand how to live and feel worthless. After, most likely, the Defenders immediately appeared: maybe you were angry, crying, avoided further conversation. Maybe there were parts that said: "Call a friend, complain to her." nine0005


In the inner space you can imagine, for example, a field and seat your parts around a beautiful fire. Or it could be a large conference room where the parts sit around a round table.

Someone likes to imagine a movie theater stretching in rows into darkness, into infinity, and in the front rows you can see those parts that are involved in the event that I asked you to think about. We know that the Exiles are sitting somewhere in the back rows. But in order to get to them, you need to talk with the Defenders. nine0005

Step 2. Get permission from the Defenders

Talking to the Defenders can take a long time, more than one therapy session: it all depends on the Defender how he sees access to Self. If he believes that he is indispensable, a conversation with such a Protector can be a long one.

Introduce your Protectors, try to see who they are, seat them in a space you like.

Look at them, separating from yourself: what are they afraid of; what happens if they stop doing their job? If they are now giving you the opportunity to go further, ask the Defenders not to go far, not to leave the systems and not to abandon their function completely. Just believe in us more and step back a little so that we can see the Exile - our pain, vulnerability - and be able to establish contact with him. nine0005

Step 3. Get access to and contact the Exile

Contact in IFS is established in the same way: we ask to separate the part. We also separate the exile from ourselves: we ask him not to flood us.

Often people get frightened and say: “No, I have so many emotions that if I talk about it directly, they will all come out of me at once.” Then the Defenders come into play again: “No, no, no, now you will be crying in public here, don’t.

It is important to feel a safe space, to make sure that the units allow us to move on. nine0005

If this is the case, we can ask the Exile not to capture us entirely, but to stay at a visible distance so that we can help him establish contact with Self.

You are already familiar with the qualities of "Self": check how you feel about the Exile. If we feel that we are curious about this part, we like it, we like it, it is good, we admire it, we respect it, we recognize its great hard work - this is a sign that you are talking with the part from Self.

If some fears suddenly appear: “Oh my God, it’s unpleasant for me to look at this Exile, it seems to me that this is a small Me, but so pathetic that it’s already disgusting,” it means that some other Protector has come out. And until we push him away, talk to him, get his permission, we won't be able to move again. nine0005

Step 4. Witnessing

When there is access to the Exile; he agreed not to flood us, we see him and the distance between us, and at the same time contact. There is witnessing. We ask the Exiles, as we ask our Managers and Firefighters, to speak out about the pain and vulnerability that was in them.

If in your chosen stories you found a moment of pain when you were invisible, you were not respected; or you were confused, helpless; or you were scared, ashamed - now ask this Exile not to show himself strongly and not to flood the system. nine0005


Let him give you a touch of what is called "witnessing" - when we ask the part to tell about: how and when, under what circumstances, what kind of story it has, how it absorbed this very shame . Because you understand: we were not born with these feelings. Our parts accepted and absorbed this burden like sponges.

What the exiles want most is for this experience to be recognized and heard. We ask you to tell, and we testify from Self to this story. We remember these stories, treating ourselves with sympathy, curiosity, compassion, courage, clarity. We can see in the stories of the Exiles what the missing experience was. nine0005

Step 5. "Missing experience"

What does this mean? For example, when a child is small, parents for him are people who work as an additional external brain. They carry out nervous regulation for their children.

If a child is frightened of something or upset because of something, he cannot quickly calm down himself, it excites him very much, worries him. Then the parents hug him, explain: “You are angry if it didn’t work out - this is normal, let’s do it again together.” nine0005

In this situation, the child may not develop parts with a burden.

But if the parents were unavailable (you don't have to be a bad parent for that - it's impossible to be available 24/7) or even yelled at the child, then one part of the child could absorb the pain: "I'm not needed, they don't see me."


When we ask a part to tell us its story, it can tell us where, when, and under what circumstances it remembers pain. The missing experience is something that we didn’t have enough then, but now we can give it to ourselves in our imagination. nine0005

Step 6. Return

If you understand the Exile, understand his pain, you know that he was not respected or not seen, then you can invite the missing experience from your “Self” inside.

If you like your part now, give it support, hug it, show that you see it, or at least know about it.

When we understand where the part's burden came from, we can get rid of it, return it. We ask the unit: does it still need to carry this load? In order to lift a load, we must make sure that our burden can have something useful. nine0005

Sometimes a part of us can tell that there is a good side to the pain of not being seen. I know what it's like and I don't hurt others. I want to keep this skill, and everything else can be removed or returned.

Step 7. Removing the load

Don't be upset if you now have Defenders who don't want to do more. Now it is important to understand the structure. The burden of heavy emotions is often felt in the body. How do you feel bodily when you remember the chosen situation? Heavy feelings can press on the shoulders, gather in the chest, in the solar plexus area, and pulling sensations appear. nine0005


Sometimes people visualize it as a dark lump, something heavy - a plate, a ball, some kind of weight on the leg. Why imagine discomfort? If the Defenders agree, and the Exiles are ready, if we have discussed with them what is useful from the cargo we keep and what we are ready to let go - imagine how this cargo is torn off your body.

To do this, ask the part: what does the load look like for it and how would it like to do with it? In situations where the person who is the author of our burden is known, this can be sent back to him as a parcel in the imagination. nine0005

If the author of the burden could not be identified, you can use 4 elements: water, earth, wind, fire. Someone wants to burn this load, someone to bury it, wash it off, dissolve it, someone to release it into the wind so that the load is blown away. You can internally allow yourself to do this.

Step 8. Invitation

If you feel a characteristic relief, this open space can and should be filled quickly. Invite into the body what the part needs: when done in a flow, it comes spontaneously and naturally. nine0005

Ask yourself: what qualities of Self would I like to see? What did I lack then to survive? Maybe you would like clarity or courage, or the feeling that you have a connection, a connection with others, that you have loved ones. Maybe you would like curiosity, inquisitiveness, or confidence. Invite it into your world.

Unburdening is the deepest moment in IFS. This is the healing of trauma that brings about major change, if we succeed.

If it was not possible to return the goods immediately, this does not mean failure. It only says that other parts of you came in and prevented this process from happening. This is normal and natural, and special thanks to them for this: perhaps your internal system knows that now is not the time. Or there are parts that don't fully trust the method yet. There are parts that would first like to understand what they are offered before allowing themselves to try something.

Step 9. System integration

If you managed to get to the removal of the burden, and you sent some belief, emotion, negative sensation in the body back with the help of the element, and this place was filled with the “Self” quality, ask the part: does it feel good? How do other parts around her feel about it? What does your chosen situation look like after the work done? Has there been any change in it? Is it possible to end there? Does she need more contact with you? Sometimes parts ask you to come to them and remember about them - this must be done without fail. nine0005

Step 10. Checking

When we are convinced that everything is in order with the Exile, and we can complete it, we say “thank you” to him, and go to find out how the rest of the system feels. When they watched what was happening, they certainly had a response.

Some Defenders, seeing that the Exile is unloaded, will calm down by themselves. Sometimes they don't believe it happened, and they may tell you: "We're still checking, we'll see, we're still here.

Learn more