Ignore red flags

11 Relationship Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them

When a relationship ends or isnt going well, its natural to reflect and wonder whether there were signs — or red flags — that your partner wasnt a good match. You might find yourself thinking:

Did I miss something?

Were there signs that this relationship wasnt going to work out?

Why do I keep dating the wrong people?

I had a gut feeling something was off. Why didnt I trust my instincts?

How can I tell if someones a good match for me?

What red flags should I be aware of?

Often there are red flags or warning signs that this isnt the right partner for you. And learning how to spot these red flags can help you avoid a heartbreaking or dysfunctional relationship in the future.

There are three types of red flags that I want you to look for:

Concerns about your partners behavior, personality traits, beliefs, and values. Does he or she treat you, others, or him/herself in harmful or unhealthy ways? Do you agree with his or her values and beliefs?
Concerns about the ways you interact with each other. Are there hurtful or unhealthy relationship dynamics?
Concerns about your own mental and/or physical health. Has your mental or physical health deteriorated during this relationship?

If you notice that many of the following red flags are true for you and your partner, try to be curious about them and explore them further rather than feeling like you need to defend your choices or your partner.

Relationship red flags include:

Inability to resolve conflicts. You have recurring arguments that are never resolved, your partner refuses to discuss certain issues or acknowledge your concerns.
Controlling behavior or a lack of trust. For example, your partner wants to know where you are and who youre with at all times or insists on knowing your phone passcode before youre ready to share it. These behaviors reflect a lack of trust and respect.
You dont feel like you can be fully yourself. As a relationship progresses, you should feel more comfortable with your partner and share more of yourself. Its a red flag if you either dont feel increasingly safe to share your experiences, interests, thoughts, and feelings or you feel judged or criticized when you do and begin to hide or suffocate parts of yourself that your partner disapproves of.
Your friends and family members have expressed concerns about your partner or relationship. Certainly, other peoples opinions of your choice of partner arent the end all be all. However, sometimes they notice red flags that you yourself cant see. Its worth considering their opinions, especially if multiple people who you respect have expressed concern.
Youre conceding rather than compromising. Healthy relationships require some give and take by both people. Conceding, or giving in, on a regular basis creates an unbalanced relationship. If youre constantly prioritizing your partners needs and wishes above your own, perhaps to keep the peace, youll eventually become unfulfilled and resentful.

Difficulty sharing feelings. Sharing our feelings is the root of intimacy. If either one or both of you are unable to identify and appropriately express your feelings, communication and intimacy will always be challenging.
Giving up your friends, interests, or goals. A relationship should add depth and joy to your life; it should make you feel more alive more yourself. It shouldnt diminish who you are and whats important to you. And while its normal to spend a lot of time with a new partner at the beginning stage of a relationship (and consequently less time with friends or family), its a red flag if you feel like your partner would be angry, jealous, or critical if you spent time with your friends and family. Giving up things that were once important perhaps a dance class you loved to take or your plans to go back to college is another red flag.
Pressure to become too serious too fast. This can include feeling pressured to have sex, move in together, or get married. For a relationship to be mutually satisfying, it needs to meet both peoples needs. Its a red flag when your partner isnt listening to your needs or attentive to your ambivalence about taking the relationship to the next stage.
Lying or breaches of trust. Most people would agree that trust is an essential component of healthy relationships. Infidelity is one of the biggest and most hurtful forms of betrayal. Being unfaithful or not honoring the relationship agreements about having other partners, is a big red flag. However, the warning signs may seem less obvious when it comes to emotional affairs or online affairs. Often the harm is minimized by comments like: Its no big deal. We didnt have sex or Were just talking online or Its just flirting. If your feelings are hurt, you feel betrayed, abandoned, or rejected, and your partner doesnt care or minimizes them, thats a red flag. You should also be wary if you notice a pattern of lying or half-truths about other issues. Often, its impossible to know for sure if someone is telling the truth; you need to trust your instincts and look at your partner’s behavior in its entirety.

Abuse of any kind (emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, gaslighting). We all know that abuse is a red flag and yet we often make excuses for it. If youve been abused in previous relationships (or in childhood), you may have a hard time labeling abuse as abuse because youve grown accustomed to it and have learned to blame yourself for it. You may also be swayed by an apologetic partner or one who convinces you that its all in your head or theyre doing it because they love you. Dont discount minor abuses, such as derogatory names, pressure to have sex when you dont want to, or telling you what to wear. Abusive behaviors tend to get worse and more frequent, not better, over time.
Increased symptoms of mental or physical health problems. Your body, mind, and spirit are all interconnected, which is why symptoms of stress, depression, and anxiety show up in our bodies as well as in our thoughts and feelings. Be sure to notice new or worsening health problems, increasing feelings of anger, resentment, fear, and stress and consider whether they may be related to your relationship.

Below are six common reasons we ignore red flags. Often, several, if not all, are at play at the same time.

Infatuation.

That wonderful euphoric feeling you get when you fall in love is the result of a flood of hormones released by your body. As you know, these chemicals feel amazing, like a natural high, because theyre activating the pleasure center in your brain, but they also cloud your judgment. You become obsessed with your new lover; its hard to concentrate on anything else; you want to spend every minute together, and it feels right to run off to Vegas and marry someone you just met a month ago. These powerful chemicals create an intense attraction thats hard to resist and they help to bond you to a new partner. They make you feel so good, connected, and loved that its hard to see red flags or that your partner has any flaws at all.

We move too quickly.

This infatuation stage — when your brain is highjacked by love and pleasure hormones — lasts for about six to twelve months. If you intertwine your life with your new partner (by moving in together, getting engaged or married, getting pregnant, getting a pet together, co-mingling your finances) while these chemicals are flooding your brain, it becomes even harder to acknowledge the red flags. Denial can be a powerful force and you may unconsciously not want to see the warning signs. And by the time you see them, youre in so deep that its hard to get out. Dating for a full year before making any of these significant life changes can help you spot red flags.

Were stuck in wishful thinking.

Sometimes you get caught up in wishful thinking. You want it to work so badly or you think your partner will change so you disregard the red flags. In this case, your fantasy of what the relationship is or could be, prevents you from seeing things as they really are.

We dont like to admit we were wrong.

Lets face it, no one likes to admit they were wrong, that their relationship didnt work out, or they misjudged someone. Pride and fear of failure can keep you in a relationship even when its gotten dysfunctional.

We dont trust ourselves.

One of the biggest reasons for missing red flags is that we dont trust our own judgment. Perhaps you sense that something is wrong, but proceed anyway. Or, even when you have concrete evidence that your partner or relationship is dysfunctional, you might tell yourself that youre overreacting or focusing only on the negatives. When you do this, youre betraying yourself and what you know to be true.

The red flags seem minor.

Minimizing red flags is another form of self-betrayal. When youre in love or want to think the best of someone, youll make excuses for their harmful behavior. As I said earlier in this article, dysfunctional relationship dynamics and abusive behaviors tend to escalate as relationships progress unless serious efforts are made to change them. Its important to notice red flags even if they seem small, especially if they are part of a pattern of disrespectful, hurtful behavior or unhealthy patterns in the relationship.

I hope this article has helped you identify relationship red flags and some of the reasons you might miss them. You might find it helpful to create your own individualized list of relationship red flags to help you gain even more awareness of your relationship patterns.

If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you to seek help from a local organization, The National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA) at 1-800-799-7233, or National Domestic Violence Helpline (UK) at 0808 2000 247.

11 Relationship Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them

When a relationship ends or isnt going well, its natural to reflect and wonder whether there were signs — or red flags — that your partner wasnt a good match. You might find yourself thinking:

Did I miss something?

Were there signs that this relationship wasnt going to work out?

Why do I keep dating the wrong people?

I had a gut feeling something was off. Why didnt I trust my instincts?

How can I tell if someones a good match for me?

What red flags should I be aware of?

There are three types of red flags that I want you to look for:

Concerns about your partners behavior, personality traits, beliefs, and values. Does he or she treat you, others, or him/herself in harmful or unhealthy ways? Do you agree with his or her values and beliefs?

Concerns about the ways you interact with each other. Are there hurtful or unhealthy relationship dynamics?
Concerns about your own mental and/or physical health. Has your mental or physical health deteriorated during this relationship?

Relationship red flags include:

Inability to resolve conflicts. You have recurring arguments that are never resolved, your partner refuses to discuss certain issues or acknowledge your concerns.
Controlling behavior or a lack of trust. For example, your partner wants to know where you are and who youre with at all times or insists on knowing your phone passcode before youre ready to share it. These behaviors reflect a lack of trust and respect.
You dont feel like you can be fully yourself. As a relationship progresses, you should feel more comfortable with your partner and share more of yourself. Its a red flag if you either dont feel increasingly safe to share your experiences, interests, thoughts, and feelings or you feel judged or criticized when you do and begin to hide or suffocate parts of yourself that your partner disapproves of.
Your friends and family members have expressed concerns about your partner or relationship. Certainly, other peoples opinions of your choice of partner arent the end all be all. However, sometimes they notice red flags that you yourself cant see. Its worth considering their opinions, especially if multiple people who you respect have expressed concern.
Youre conceding rather than compromising. Healthy relationships require some give and take by both people. Conceding, or giving in, on a regular basis creates an unbalanced relationship. If youre constantly prioritizing your partners needs and wishes above your own, perhaps to keep the peace, youll eventually become unfulfilled and resentful.
Difficulty sharing feelings. Sharing our feelings is the root of intimacy. If either one or both of you are unable to identify and appropriately express your feelings, communication and intimacy will always be challenging.
Giving up your friends, interests, or goals. A relationship should add depth and joy to your life; it should make you feel more alive more yourself. It shouldnt diminish who you are and whats important to you. And while its normal to spend a lot of time with a new partner at the beginning stage of a relationship (and consequently less time with friends or family), its a red flag if you feel like your partner would be angry, jealous, or critical if you spent time with your friends and family. Giving up things that were once important perhaps a dance class you loved to take or your plans to go back to college is another red flag.
Pressure to become too serious too fast. This can include feeling pressured to have sex, move in together, or get married. For a relationship to be mutually satisfying, it needs to meet both peoples needs. Its a red flag when your partner isnt listening to your needs or attentive to your ambivalence about taking the relationship to the next stage.
Lying or breaches of trust. Most people would agree that trust is an essential component of healthy relationships. Infidelity is one of the biggest and most hurtful forms of betrayal. Being unfaithful or not honoring the relationship agreements about having other partners, is a big red flag. However, the warning signs may seem less obvious when it comes to emotional affairs or online affairs. Often the harm is minimized by comments like: Its no big deal. We didnt have sex or Were just talking online or Its just flirting. If your feelings are hurt, you feel betrayed, abandoned, or rejected, and your partner doesnt care or minimizes them, thats a red flag. You should also be wary if you notice a pattern of lying or half-truths about other issues. Often, its impossible to know for sure if someone is telling the truth; you need to trust your instincts and look at your partner’s behavior in its entirety.
Abuse of any kind (emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, gaslighting). We all know that abuse is a red flag and yet we often make excuses for it. If youve been abused in previous relationships (or in childhood), you may have a hard time labeling abuse as abuse because youve grown accustomed to it and have learned to blame yourself for it. You may also be swayed by an apologetic partner or one who convinces you that its all in your head or theyre doing it because they love you. Dont discount minor abuses, such as derogatory names, pressure to have sex when you dont want to, or telling you what to wear. Abusive behaviors tend to get worse and more frequent, not better, over time.
Increased symptoms of mental or physical health problems. Your body, mind, and spirit are all interconnected, which is why symptoms of stress, depression, and anxiety show up in our bodies as well as in our thoughts and feelings. Be sure to notice new or worsening health problems, increasing feelings of anger, resentment, fear, and stress and consider whether they may be related to your relationship.

Below are six common reasons we ignore red flags. Often, several, if not all, are at play at the same time.

Infatuation.

We move too quickly.

Were stuck in wishful thinking.

We dont like to admit we were wrong.

We dont trust ourselves.

The red flags seem minor.

15 Relationships Red Flags You Should Never Ignore / Love

Relationships are different for everyone and what works for some couples may not work for others. Some people have a lot in common and many common interests, while other people seem to be complete opposites who share nothing but the fact that they are in a relationship.

However, at the most basic level, there are certain traits that every healthy person should have - partners should be able to communicate, respect each other and make each other feel like a priority. When you're head over heels for a new partner, it can be easy to overlook any questionable traits they have that are negatively impacting your relationship - and while there are certain things that are easy to fix, there are other issues that glare. red flags you should never ignore. nine0003

Here are 15 relationship red flags you should NEVER ignore - no matter how much you like the person. It can be tempting to just brush them off and tell yourself you can change a person, but trust us - you want to nip those red flags in the bud if you want a healthy relationship (or maybe just hit the right person to the curb if they really treat you that way).

15 He doesn't respect your physical boundaries

Many couples tease each other physically - you can hit your partner on the shoulder when you walk together, push them to make a point, or pin them down and try to tickle them when you're lying down, joking with each other. This is fine. However, if your partner keeps doing these things even though you've asked them to stop, or does it at times when you've made it clear that you're not in the mood for fuss at all, that's a problem. If you know your partner, it's pretty easy to see when they protest playfully and when they're really serious about their request that you stop it. A partner who doesn't respect your serious request is a partner who doesn't respect your physical boundaries, even if it may be something as small as hugging or tickling you when you don't feel like it. nine0003

14 He doesn't want you to spend time with friends/family

It's a huge, huge red flag. Look, we get it - your partner may not fall in love with your friends and family the way they fell in love with you. He may prefer to spend time with his friends and family rather than yours, and if he still shows up enough to make you feel supported, that's fine. However, if he tries to get you to spend less time with your friends and family, that's a huge red flag that shouldn't be ignored. Many abusive people manipulate their partner by isolating them from people who love them and who can convince them not to allow themselves to be treated for who they are. It's easiest to take your partner away from everyone who cares about them so they can be the only powerful voice present on a regular basis - and that's a big no, no. nine0003

13 He makes you feel bad

You should never walk on eggshells around your partner - you should be able to offer constructive criticism if you feel it is warranted. However, in general, you should build up your partner and celebrate their strengths, rather than tearing them down and pointing out every flaw you think they have. This type of red flag can take many forms, you are your guy making subtle comments about how your career isn't as challenging as his, or about you not being as neat as him, etc. The bottom line is, you should feel like you can share your thoughts and, well, with your partner without fear that you will feel stupid. So if your partner is constantly making you feel inferior, that's a huge red flag you need to find someone else who truly appreciates you for you. Seriously - you're better off without him. nine0003

12 He doesn't want to make your relationship public

It's become something of a sitcom/movie cliché, but it exists in the movies because it exists in real life. Now keep in mind that you have to consider your partner's personality - if he's the type of guy who rarely posts anything about his social life on social media and is just a very private person, even with his friends, then that's a different story. However, if your boyfriend is the type to post all his exploits on social media and you can clearly see photos of past girlfriends splashing all over the place, well that's a huge red flag - his reluctance to make your relationship public could just mean he doesn't want to. to show the world one encounters for some reason. No woman deserves to be some loser's dirty little secret, so if he doesn't want to show the world that you're together, you have to find someone who does. nine0003

11 He doesn't trust you

Trust is one of the most important components of any healthy relationship. It may take some time, but you absolutely need to trust your partner. There are many people who experience trust issues due to certain events in their past, and if your partner is consciously working on it, you can loosen it up a bit. However, if your partner is just incredulous and constantly trying to check where you've been and who you've been with and doubting every word that comes out of your mouth, that's a huge red flag. Many guys who don't trust their partner try to deal with their problem by controlling their partner, which opens up a whole new unhealthy worm can. If you have a track record of lying to your partner, that's a different story. However, if you haven't done anything at all and he still doesn't trust you, it's not you, it's him. nine0003

10 Your family or closest friends hate him

Okay look Your partner may be the type of person who takes a little time to get to know and love, so if your family and friends are skeptical about meeting him for a few minutes , that's one thing. However, if the people you're closest to in your life have spent quite a bit of time with your partner and absolutely can't stand them, well, that's a huge red flag. Often when you are in a relationship, especially when everything is still new and interesting, you look at things through the rose-colored glasses of love. Your family and friends have a slightly different point of view and should be able to clearly tell if your partner is treating you the way you deserve or if there is something wrong with him. It can be difficult to hear criticism about someone you love, but before you click on your loved ones, take a moment to think about what they have to say - this may be something you should take note of. nine0003

9 He criticizes your appearance

Let's face it - unless you're some kind of goddess with a killer self-confidence, chances are you'll berate yourself on a regular basis. The media is always posting images of supermodels and portraying perfect women, and you see highlighted and bronzed beauty queens on your social media accounts with cellulite-free thighs and the perfection of everything. Thus, you can easily highlight your appearance. The only thing you absolutely don't need in your life is a partner who does the same. If your partner just doesn't have the clothes you rock, well, they might not be as trendy as you. However, if he constantly points out how he can see a little dullness in that body-hugging dress you're wearing, or you're having a breakout, or a bad hair day - dump him. Immediately. Even if you can be hard on your looks, you shouldn't have a partner who makes you feel more than just great. nine0003

8 You go the extra mile and it gives you zero effort

People are good at different things. Maybe you're an incredible planner who always comes up with thoughtful gifts and fun ideas for girls' nights out, and you bring that skill to your relationship. Maybe your partner is the type who always forgets about special occasions and can't plan a party to save his life. Regardless, in the end, both people in the relationship need to put in some effort to keep things going. Even if his dating ideas aren't as innovative as yours, he needs to plan ahead, at least once in a while. It's a way to let your partner know that you're prioritizing and appreciating them, that you're willing to take some extra time out of your busy schedule to make them feel special. Relationships can't be a one-way street - if you're the only one making the effort, that's a huge red flag. nine0003

7 He never wants to apologize

If you don't date a robot, sooner or later you and your partner will have some kind of argument or someone will make a mistake. I mean, people have disagreements, people make mistakes, it's just part of life. The true sign of a healthy relationship is one where partners can resolve conflict in a healthy way. If your partner is the type of person who just won't apologize even if they're wrong about the situation, that's a big red flag. Of course, it can be difficult to admit that you messed up and made a mistake, but this is part of a mature relationship. If your partner just won't apologize to you, it's a sign that he doesn't want to admit he's wrong, and worse, he doesn't consider your feelings. Either way, you need to find someone who can confess when they screwed up and offer a sincere apology. nine0003

6 He has a roving eye

Some people just have more flirtatious personalities than others, but let's be honest - a roving eye is a completely different situation. Now, a wandering eye doesn't necessarily mean you have a scammer on your hands. However, it's not that far off. If your partner is always checking on other women, making comments, flirting with your waitress, and generally just acting like someone who isn't really in a relationship - that's a huge red flag. This may mean that he will be unfaithful in the future, and at the very least, this is extremely disrespectful to your relationship. If he doesn't feel comfortable broadcasting your relationship to everyone he meets, that's fine, but he definitely shouldn't act like he's alone, especially if he's not with you! If your partner has a terrible wandering eye, it might be time for you to move on and find someone better. nine0003

5 You can't trust him to keep your secrets

After you date someone for a long time, they become one of the people in your life that you are closest to. After all, you spend a lot of time with them, you are intimate with them, etc. It only makes sense that they would become one of the people in your life that you would trust with any secrets or worries. This is because healthy relationships are built on trust, and just as you can trust your BFF to keep your secrets safe, you must be able to trust your partner to do the same. That's why a partner who can't hold a lightning bolt is a huge red flag. If you share a secret that could harm you in some way if he keeps quiet about it, that's one thing. However, if he lets other people do things over and over again that you think will stay within your relationship, that's a different story..

4 He talks about his ex - a lot

Look, it's normal for your ex or your partner to engage in conversation from time to time. Maybe you're talking about travel and mentioning where you've been together, or talking about an annoying personality quirk that bothers you that they had whatever. However, if your partner is constantly talking about his ex—or singing her praises, or beating her up—that's a bad sign that she's still real estate in his brain too much. While no one expects you to completely erase the memory of a past relationship once you start a new one, it's a huge red flag if your partner seems to think about their ex almost as much as they think about you, the person they're supposedly with. now. Even if his comments are negative, it's a sign that he can't be completely over her - why would she be constantly thinking about him?? nine0003

3 He refuses to let you look at his phone/computer/etc.

This goes back to a question of trust. Now, no one needs a partner who is constantly trying to check on them and see who they are texting or what they are doing on their laptop - this is a huge sign that there is not enough trust in the relationship. However, on the opposite side of the spectrum, it's a huge red flag if your partner tries to hide their phone's screen when they're supposedly texting, or gets mad at you if you innocently pick up their phone to check the time or quickly use your laptop to do something on the internet. In such a situation, it is likely that he is hiding something. You don't have to constantly check in on each other, but if he can't even text his friend when he's sitting on the couch next to you because you might accidentally look back and see his screen, it's just shaded. nine0003

2 He doesn't introduce you to anyone important in his life

Some people are just more private than others, and others just don't really have a close relationship with their family. Everything is fine. However, unless you're dating an absolute recluse, your partner should have at least a few important people in his life, even if they're just friends and his family is completely out of sight. So if you've been dating for a reasonable amount of time (say a few months) and you haven't had to date anyone in their life yet, that could be a big red flag. You don't have to meet his mother on a second date or expect to date his girlfriend twice in a month, but at some point you should have at least met important figures in his life. If he fails to get you involved in this part of his life, it's a sign that he may not see your relationship as serious, or worse, that he may take some other girl to meet his friends and family, and you are just a side part. nine0003

1 He is selfish

This goes back to the question of effort. In a relationship, everyone will have moments when they selfishly consider what they prefer, and everyone will have moments when they put their partner's needs first. It can be something as trivial as visiting a Japanese establishment when you're not too fond of sushi because that's his favorite type of cuisine and you're about to celebrate a big project he just killed at work. It's all balancing. However, if you find that the two of you only go to restaurants that he likes to eat at, only do things he likes to do, and, well, only one of you makes it to the finish line during intimate activities - that's a huge red flag . Relationships are all about balance, and if he's always selfish, that's a sign that you need to find someone else. nine0003

Why do we ignore red flags

It would seem that lists of "red flags" are written for any occasion. Take it and do it. But no. Not everything is as simple as we would like. After all, those people for whom these lists are written tend to ignore red flags . P-paradox (no). Why is this happening?

We really want to believe that the person or relationship we are attached to has potential.

We build relationships not with a real person, but with the potential of , which is an extremely unreliable thing (because it doesn’t exist in reality). And, having drawn a beautiful picture of the future for ourselves, it is a pity and hard for us to refuse it: “But it could be!”

Maybe it could. Or maybe not. This we do not know. But we know that the hope that “it will be better later” makes it difficult to see red flags in behavior and relationships.

We don't trust ourselves. We think we were wrong.

My "favorite" self-gaslighting. Oh, how I still love to doubt myself! But no. nine0003

If it seemed to you, then it didn't seem to you.

Memorize. To repeat, like a mantra, in any “seemed” situation.

We don't like to admit that we have made a mistake in a person or relationship.

It is hard for people to admit their mistakes because consciousness does not tolerate contradictions (and experiences cognitive dissonance when it encounters them).

If we admit a mistake, it will turn out that we recognize the existence of a contradiction (the new experience contradicts the old), and we will have to do something about it. Strain. Eat the resources of the body. Expensive. It is much easier to follow the path of rationalization or self-gaslighting: “it seemed to me” or “hitting means he loves.” nine0003

Low intrinsic value.

Our experiences and problems seem insignificant to us , not worthy of attention. And the red flags work just on little things .

“So what if I asked him twice not to see me home, but he insisted, and he sees me off anyway, but I feel uncomfortable. Is that a problem? Here's a sissy! Should rejoice! So he likes you."

The problem is that this little red flag of discomfort runs the risk of developing into extremely unpleasant abusive interactions from the partner in the future. And we skip it. nine0003

We want to get into a relationship quickly and don't give ourselves enough time to notice the red flags.

Here, of course, there is the question of why we want to speed up this process. The reason may be

fears (“to be alone”),
low self-worth (“who else needs me, but here it’s almost a prince”),
frustrated need for acceptance (“I want selfless love so much…”) and all that.

Fear and self-doubt make noise in our perception, and we try to build a long-term relationship with the first partner we like.