Improve communication in relationships

10 ways to improve communication in relationships

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Connection: We all crave it. We seek it through family and friends, but often our intimate relationships are where we expect to find the most connection. When we don’t, we feel isolated and misunderstood. We let these negative emotions lead to arguments – or worse, we stop communicating at all.

Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership. And it isn’t about making small talk. Asking your partner how their day went is nice, but if you want an extraordinary relationship, you must dig deeper. Learning how to communicate in a relationship is about fulfilling your partner’s needs. To improve communication in your relationship, you must discover how to listen, not how to talk.

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Why is communication in relationships important?

Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership. Your partner is likely the person you spend the most time with, which means there’s a greater risk of misunderstandings and conflict. But when you perfect communication in relationships, you’ll be rewarded.

✓ Increased trust

Real communication in relationships means that you can go to your partner about anything: sharing happiness and sadness, good days and bad. You’re willing to be vulnerable with them because you know that they will support you and love you no matter what. Absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love because it leads to total trust in your relationship.

✓ Better conflict resolution

We all know couples who seem to fight all the time – and those who seem to never fight at all. While all relationships have ups and downs, both frequent fighting and no fighting at all are signs of a lack of communication in relationships. The key isn’t to never disagree with your partner. It’s to improve your conflict resolution skills by using the eight tips above so that when disagreements do happen, you’re able to turn them into something that strengthens your relationship instead of tearing it down.

✓ Increased intimacy

Discovering how to improve communication in relationships is excellent for your emotional intimacy, or ability to listen, understand and be compassionate toward your partner. Developing your communication skills shows that you respect and value your partner and their feelings and opinions. When people feel honored and accepted in this way, emotional intimacy skyrockets – and physical intimacy often follows.

Is there such a thing as over-communication?

Yes, over-communication in relationships does exist in certain contexts. There are two common defense mechanisms when people are feeling anxious or unsure of how to express themselves: internalizing and externalizing. People who internalize tend to shut down and withdraw during conflicts; those who externalize want to talk it out, sometimes excessively.

In both of these cases, more communication doesn’t necessarily equal good communication. Internalizers may need space before they’re ready to talk; externalizers may need to slow down and refine their message. Before you’re tempted to say more, think about how you can say it better instead.

How to communicate in a relationship

Communication in relationships can be the difference between a strong, lifelong partnership or a conflict-filled bond that ends in disappointment. Learning how to communicate better is vital.

1. Commit to true connection

The biggest misconception about how to communicate in a relationship is that communication is the same as talking or making conversation. Communication in relationships, at its core, is about connecting and using your verbal, written and physical skills to fulfill your partner’s needs. It’s not about making small talk. It’s about understanding your partner’s point of view, offering support and letting your partner know you are their #1 fan.

It’s easy to let real connection and passion diminish, especially in long-term relationships. But the first key to how to improve communication in a relationship is to admit that you’re not connecting the way you used to. Talk with your partner about rekindling your connection and provide a starting point. If your partner isn’t on board, don’t worry. Relationships are a place where you go to give, not one where you go to take. You can still enact many of these strategies without a commitment from your partner – and you may even inspire them to reciprocate.

2. Identify your communication styles

Before you work on learning how to improve communication in a relationship, you need to realize that not everyone has the same communication style. The four main communication styles are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. Passive communicators keep their emotions inside and are the ones who can never seem to say “no.” Aggressive communicators are loud and intense, but typically have trouble making real connections with others. Passive-aggressive communicators avoid conflict and use sarcasm to deflect real communication. The healthiest type of communication is assertive: These people are in touch with their emotions and know how to communicate them effectively.

Communication styles also involve our metaprograms, or the ways that we respond to information. Some people like to talk, some prefer touch and others are more visual or respond better to gift giving than an outward discussion of feelings. You probably know which communication style you prefer, but what about your partner?

Communication and relationships are all different. Effective communication with your partner will come from acknowledging this. Your partner can be telling you exactly what they need, but you have to be cognizant of how they convey this information to you. If there’s miscommunication, you’ll miss the opportunity to build trust and intimacy, and you’ll both feel frustrated.

When striving to learn how to communicate better, watch your partner respond to different perceptive cues over a day or two. Does he or she seem to respond most to seeing and watching? Hearing and talking? Or touching and doing? For example, if your partner is more responsive to language, tone and other auditory cues, making lots of eye contact and gentle facial expressions isn’t communicating as much to them as you think. You’re sending signals but they’re not picking them up. On the other hand, if you find that you are an auditory person and your partner is a kinesthetic person, remember that saying “I love you” may not be enough. Reinforce your love with touch, and remember to do so often.

3. Discover the Six Human Needs

There are six fundamental needs that all humans share, but each of us puts these needs in a different order in accordance with our core values. Once you discover which needs matter the most to your partner, you’ll know how to communicate with your partner and in a way that fulfills them.

The first human need is the need for certainty. It’s this need that drives us to seek out pleasure and avoid pain, stress and emotional risks. Ask yourself these questions: How secure is my partner feeling in our relationship? We all find safety and comfort in different things. Be open with your partner about what gives them certainty and makes them feel stable.

The second human need that affects communication and relationships is the need for variety. Uncertainty isn’t always scary if you know how to communicate with your partner. Relationships need healthy challenges that allow partners to grow together. As you learn how to communicate better, you’ll find that variety keeps things fun and exciting with your partner.

Significance is the third human need: We all need to feel unique and important. Communication is key to this particular desire because your partner needs to know that you need them, in a singular way – that they fulfill your needs in ways that only they can. How do you demonstrate to your partner, not just tell them, that they are significant to you? You can show them through loving touch, offering them support when they need it and spending quality time with them.

The fourth basic human need is for connection and love. Every human needs to feel connected with others. Effective communication in relationships lets us know that we are loved and can make us feel at our most alive, but absence of love can cause pain like nothing else can. Too often we automatically say “I love you” in order to solve a conflict with our partners and forget to show love in a real, tangible way that speaks to our partner’s needs. Reverse this pattern: Consciously show your partner that you love them every day, in a way that speaks to their personal preferences and needs. Learning how to improve communication in a relationship is about realizing what “language” your partner best understands and giving them love in that way.

Growth is the fifth human need. The human experience is one of motion and without constant growth, our relationships will become stale. We constantly endeavor to evolve along the different paths that interest us the most, whether these are emotional, intellectual, spiritual or otherwise. Your partner has the need for growth as much as you do and when we learn how to communicate better, we can also learn how to better grow together. When was the last time you supported your partner’s growth in the areas that they are most passionate about? How can you continue to support them to the fullest?

The sixth and final human need is contribution and giving. Remember, the secret to living is giving. Contribution is our source of meaning – it determines who we become and solidifies our legacy, who we are and our role in the world. Consider what you give to your partner and how you can give more. Are you giving your time? Your undivided attention? The benefit of the doubt? A second chance? When communication in relationships is strong, both partners are able to continually come up with new and better ways of contributing to the other’s happiness.

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4. Learn the three keys to passion and intimacy

The strongest relationships have polarity: opposing masculine and feminine energies that compliment each other. When the needs of either person aren’t being met, that person will put on a “mask” of the opposing energy and close off from their partner. But when polarity in relationships is fully embraced, a beautiful connection is created.

Masculine and feminine energies each have three key needs that must be met. Feminine energies need to feel seen – they want you to be present with them and appreciate them. They need to feel understood, through listening and validation. And they need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Masculine energies need to feel appreciated, through praise and celebration. They need to feel free, not micromanaged or controlled. And they need to feel opened up to – so share your emotions and affection freely.

Communication in relationships is about first fulfilling your partner’s needs. When you do that, they will be more open to communicating and connecting with you to create the relationship you both desire.

5. Determine if your partner’s needs are being met

There is one surefire way to know if your partner is getting their needs met in your relationship: ask the right questions and then deeply listen to the answers. Reflect on what your partner says, and if you’re not sure what he or she means, then ask by restating their point and asking if you understand correctly. The key to how to communicate in a relationship is often not in the actual verbal communication at all – it’s in the way we listen to our partner.

Your partner may be communicating exactly what the problem is, but if you’re not listening, you’ll miss it. Resist the pull of just waiting for your partner to finish what they’re saying so you can launch into your “turn.” That isn’t listening, it’s waiting to talk. Instead, listen with a calm, open mind and really hear what they are saying to you. This will not only help you learn how to communicate better, but will also enable you to connect with your partner on a deeper level.

6. Be honest and open

Being honest and open is at the top of the list for how to improve communication in a relationship. Say what you mean, and make your feelings and your needs clear. Retreating from conflict seems deceptively safe and comfortable, but it’s no substitute for trust in a relationship and it will never help you learn how to communicate better. Walking away from an argument is a temporary way to deal with an ongoing communication issue and must only be done to achieve a brief cooling-down period. When you disagree with your partner, you must be able to trust that what you say will be heard and respected, and so does your partner.

If you or your partner (or both of you) is averse to conflict, you can find yourselves burying your emotions to please each other and avoid problems. This temporary peacekeeping band-aid turns a two-way relationship into a one-way street, and that’s not a sustainable outcome. The happiness and intimacy you used to share will gradually erode, and it will take the relationship with it. Instead of ignoring issues, it’s crucial that you both learn how to communicate better with each other.

7. Be present in your relationship

To improve communication in relationships and truly understand what your partner is telling you, be present. Put time aside and dedicate yourself 100% to communicating with your partner. They must truly feel that they have your full attention and that they are your number one priority.

It’s difficult to listen and be fully present, aware and mindful when you’re angry and stressed or are working on things that take time away from your relationship. This is a part of life, but it’s important to realize that it’s not an excuse for neglecting communication in relationships. Remember that intimacy, love and trust are built when times are hard, not when they’re easy. If we gave up at every sign of resistance, we would never progress and evolve. Seize these opportunities to learn how to deal with conflict and stress in a healthy manner and watch as you grow and flourish with your partner.

8. Let things go

Resist letting a discussion about what’s happening now devolve into a rehash of every wrong that has ever happened between you and your partner. This is the opposite of loving and effective communication in relationships. Instead, assess the present situation and identify what you can do at this moment. Pause and remember why you’re here, and remember that your goal, the outcome that you value, is to strengthen your relationship, build intimacy and learn how to communicate better. There’s absolutely nothing either of you can do about the past right now, so let it go.

How to communicate better is about more than saying the right things. Also be aware of your body language. You could offer all the loving and supportive words in the world to your partner, but if your arms are crossed over your chest and you have a scowl on your face, your partner is unlikely to respond favorably. How to communicate in a relationship means listening, loving and supporting with your whole being. Lean toward your partner, keep your face relaxed and open and touch them in a gentle manner. Show them through all your words, actions and expressions that you love them even if you are in conflict.

9. Break negative patterns

You know what your partner needs and have thought about their preferred communication style, but there’s something else that affects communication in relationships: how you’re speaking. Experts on communication break down the way we talk into pitch, pace, volume and timbre. The next time you’re in a disagreement with your partner, be mindful and make conscious efforts to modulate these aspects of your voice.

A voice that is overly high-pitched sounds defensive and immature. Also, if you end a sentence with a higher pitch, it sounds like a question; don’t do this unless you’re actually asking a question, or you risk instilling doubt in your partner.

Pace just means how fast you’re talking. Take a deep breath and slow down – especially when you’re disagreeing. Speak calmly and clearly to get your message across.

Pay attention to volume, especially volume “creep,” and avoid competing to be heard – competition only leads to shouting and miscommunication. Being louder won’t help you communicate with your partner. If your partner is speaking, listen.

Timbre refers to your voice’s emotional quality, attitude and tone. Pay careful attention to this, and watch for red flag timbres like sarcasm that can erode communication in relationships and cause distrust between partners.

When things do get out of hand, break the pattern: Be playful and use humor in a way that keeps the conversation flowing in the right direction. Injecting humor into the situation can make it feel less dire and can yield amazing results for the two of you. That’s because humor helps you regain perspective and balance; it is an essential component of healthy communication in relationships. It also relieves stress and improves your physical happiness in your everyday life. The biggest benefit to laughing in this context is that it reminds you that you love just being together with your partner. It reminds you that you can enjoy your time together, even when things seem challenging.

When learning how to communicate in a relationship, it’s important to break the pattern of hostility, hurt and retreat. For example, when you catch yourself raising your voice or being sarcastic, change your tone. If you’re using “you” repeatedly and blaming your partner, switch to “I” and “me,” or better yet, “we.” There’s no point in offloading all your relationship’s issues on to your partner. There are two people in every relationship, so don’t shift the blame to be entirely on their shoulders.

Breaking the pattern is a powerful way of reframing the discussion and bringing it back to a level where you can get to what matters. Communication in relationships is all about what your partner’s needs are, what your needs are and how you can both feel fulfilled from your relationship.

10. Start over

Sometimes no matter how much you want to improve communication in a relationship, an argument happens. This is when it’s most essential to be aware of your negative patterns and start over before they become destructive.

Tony often shares an incredible story about Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan that speaks to the power of patterns. If you were born before the mid-80s, you remember the Cold War. It was a defining period of world history when two superpowers, with opposite ideologies – i.e., differences in values – confronted each other in a tense political conflict that could, at any point, tip toward war. It was not a productive relationship and in the late-80s the leaders of the two powers met in a series of talks that would forever shape the course of human history.

But, the story of how Reagan, president of the United States, and Gorbachev, leader of the Soviet Union, resolved the conflict did not start as well as you might think. Gorbachev and Reagan found themselves in the middle of a heated discussion on the merits and demerits of capitalism and communism. Like any discussion on politics, it was going nowhere and neither leader was sure how to communicate better with the other.

Tony had the pleasure of speaking to both Reagan and Gorbachev years after and he asked them, “What was the moment you decided for peace?” Gorbachev related that, in the middle of the argument, Reagan stood and walked away, only to suddenly turn and exclaim, “Okay, let’s try this again. I’m Ronald!” If Reagan and Gorbachev can start over after so much animosity, there’s hope for communication in your relationship, too.

Always remember that you are together because you make each other smile. Problems are obstacles that need surmounting, and while it’s easy to give up, the truth is that these are the moments that will define your relationship. Listen to your partner, discover the needs they value the most and fulfill them. When you understand that giving is the secret to a fulfilling relationship, you’ll put constant work into how to communicate with your partner in a way they can understand.

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Lack of Communication: 17 Tips for Couples

Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — By Cindy Lamothe on October 29, 2019

If you’re in a relationship, chances are you’ve had your fair share of tense moments. It’s OK to have arguments — clashing is a completely normal part of being a couple.

But the key to any lasting relationship is to work toward building a stronger, more intimate bond.

“Communication is important because it fosters trust and connection,” explains Shelley Sommerfeldt, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships. “In order to have an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship with our partner, we must be able to freely communicate in a healthy manner.”

Whether you’re just starting out as a couple or have been together for years, these strategies can help you both improve your communication skills.

Before you can get to work on improving your communication skills, it’s important to first identify the areas that need some work.

Here are some signs to look for.

Passive aggressive behavior

Passive aggression is a way of expressing hidden anger instead of addressing conflict head-on.

This might look like:

cracking jokes about your partner always being late
punishing them for being late by giving the silent treatment
making digs about their decisions

All of these behaviors allow you to express your frustration without actually having to talk about it. It might feel satisfying in the moment, but it won’t serve you any favors in the long run.

Brushing things under the rug

Simply avoiding conflicts won’t help, either. Ignoring issues just gives them the space and time to build up into something larger down the road.

Using aggressive speech

Becoming openly defensive or hostile when talking to your partner is a sign you’ve fallen into a toxic communication pattern.

Aggressive speech can involve:

raising your voice
blaming or criticizing
controlling or dominating the conversation

Recognize any of the above signs in your relationship? These tips can help you foster more open and honest communication.

Process your feelings first

Before talking with your partner about an issue that’s upsetting for you, be sure to process your own feelings on the subject and calm yourself first, says Sommerfeldt.

“If we go into a conversation feeling very angry, upset or too emotional, then the communication tends to become too heated and difficult to find resolution,” says Sommerfeldt.

Try taking a quick walk or listening to relaxing music before talking to your partner. That way you’ll be more in control of your emotions and be able to communicate well.

Thinking about timing

Choosing the right time to talk with your partner can make all the difference, Sommerfeldt notes.

If something’s weighing on your mind, give your partner a heads up that you’d like to sit down and talk.

“If your partner knows that you’d like to speak with them, this can help de-escalate the situation as well because they are less likely to feel ambushed or blindsided with a heated debate,” Sommerfeldt says.

Start with ‘I’ statements and feelings

How we speak to our partner can make all the difference. Often, couples begin a conversation by pointing the finger at the other person and placing blame, says Sommerfeldt.

She recommends beginning conversations with how you are feeling. You can ensure you do this by using statements that start with “I. ”

For example, instead of calling out your partner for focusing too much on work, you could say, “I feel hurt when you always focus on work.” This is less accusatory than saying, “You’re always focusing on work.”

Focus on being both being heard and listening

“Many couples enter conversations as though they are debates or arguments that they must win,” says Sommerfeldt.

While you may not agree with your partner’s point of view, it’s important to actually listen to why they feel the way they do. They should do the same for you.

When having a discussion, don’t make it a competition to see who wins. Instead, actively listen and try to understand their point of view.

Make compromising and resolution the goal

“Remember that the focus of communication with your partner is coming to an understanding,” Sommerfeldt explains.

Whether you’re bringing up hurt feelings or addressing conflicting ideas about future plans, both of you should leave a conversation feeling as though there’s some kind of resolution.

More often than not, that resolution relies on some level of compromise, whether it’s about the division of chores or making financial decisions.

“This helps people forgive and move forward,” she adds. “It can also bring on feelings of strength and connection between partners.”

Set clear boundaries

Placing firm boundaries can also help avoid any miscommunication, advises Cali Estes, PhD.

For example, if finances are a sore spot, consider coming up with some boundaries. Maybe you decide that any purchase over $500 must be discussed and approved by both parties before pulling the trigger.

Leave notes for your partner

It might seem minor, but leaving a note to let your partner know what you’re doing can be extremely helpful, says Estes. In addition to providing practical information, it shows your partner that you’re thinking of them and being considerate of their potential worries about where you are.

If you know you’ll be meeting up with a friend after getting groceries, leave a quick note letting your partner know.

Regularly check-in throughout the day

Similarly, Estes recommends doing regular check-ins in the morning, around lunchtime, and in the evening.

“This would include taking what I call your mood temperature,” Estes says. “If you’re in a bad mood, you want your partner to know before you explode.” Try using a scale of 1 to 10 to let your partner know how your day is going.

When it comes to communication, there are things you’ll want to avoid whenever possible.

The silent treatment

“People often adopt the silent treatment thinking it’s setting boundaries,” says licensed therapist, Jor-El Caraballo, “but boundaries work best when communicated explicitly with a partner, otherwise they may not realize they’ve crossed one.”

It’s better to be assertive about a boundary, Caraballo adds, than to assume that a partner knows why you’re hurt and shut them out, which can often cause more damage to a relationship.

Bringing up past mistakes

It’s easy to fall into the habit of rehashing the past during a heated moment. Regularly dredging up your partner’s mistakes can be counterproductive and just make them more defensive.

Yelling or screaming

Raising your voice during an argument or resorting to yelling and screaming is an ineffective way to process your anger.

In the long term, it can cause arguments to become more intense and erode your partner’s self-esteem.

Walking away

Stonewalling or walking away mid-argument is a way of disengaging from your partner and leaving conflict unresolved.

It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed and need a timeout. Be sure to explain that you need to take a moment away from the conversation.

Sarcasm and put-downs

Be aware of inappropriate humor when you’re in the midst of arguing. If you want to break the ice, it’s better to make a harmless joke about yourself than say something negative about them.

Disrespectful nonverbal behavior

Body language can communicate volumes. Checking your phone instead of facing them and making eye contact, for example, can make the other person feel disrespected.

Effective communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

If you’re having a hard time working through communications in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist, either on your own or with your partner, to work through any underlying issues and develop some new tools.

Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.

Last medically reviewed on October 29, 2019

How we reviewed this article:

Healthline has strict sourcing guidelines and relies on peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical associations. We avoid using tertiary references. You can learn more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our editorial policy.

Caraballo J. (2019). Personal interview.
Chrzasz-Reedy A. (n.d.). Healthy relationships through communication.
oscr.umich.edu/article/healthy-relationships-through-communication
Church C. (n.d.). This communication pattern kills relationships.
smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/dating/coping-with-problems-and-challenges/this-communication-pattern-kills-relationship/
Estes C. (2019). Personal interview.
How can we communicate better? (n.d.).
loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/
Peterson NB. (2013). Practice communication skills to grow relationships: Advice from a Research and Extension specialist.
k-state.edu/today/announcement/?id=9249
Sommerfeldt S. (2019). Personal interview.

Our experts continually monitor the health and wellness space, and we update our articles when new information becomes available.

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Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — By Cindy Lamothe on October 29, 2019

10 communication patterns in a couple that harm relationships

November 2, 2021 Relationship

Check out which phrases indicate problems and learn how to restore harmony by changing the vocabulary.

Communication is not easy for everyone. Sometimes, at first glance, everything seems to be normal, but you or your partner unconsciously say phrases over and over again that increase tension and discomfort. Repetitive expressions like this usually signal unhealthy communication patterns in a relationship. nine0003

Marcy Cole, a psychotherapist who has been counseling couples for over 20 years, identified ten of these patterns and how to break them and learn a new love language.

1. Accusations

What phrases signal this

“You always…”
“You never…”
“You start…”
“Why don’t you…”
“
!"
"You're wrong!"

Consequences of : defensive behavior, distrust, understatement, weakening of the feeling of intimacy. nine0003

What to do

Solve the problem, don't discuss who is to blame.

Think about how serious everything is

When you are ready to blame your partner for something, slow down for a minute. Most of the things we usually get upset about are misunderstandings and little things. If you are sure that the matter is important, look for ways to solve the problem, and do not scatter accusations.

Do the boomerang exercise

Shift your attention to yourself. Not to blame, but to look at the situation differently. Perhaps what you so fiercely blame your partner for is something that you are critical of yourself and try to avoid. nine0003

Listen to each other

Have everyone share how they felt about the situation that caused the conflict. Don't interrupt each other in the process. Just listen and try to put yourself in the partner's shoes.

Start a difficult conversation using the AMOR method

People are often afraid to talk about something, knowing that a confrontation will follow. In such cases, take the following four steps:

Affirmation. Use a positive affirmation first. For example: "I know that you love me and wish me happiness, and I appreciate it." nine0016
Message. Then move on to what is difficult for you to say and difficult for a loved one to hear. For example: “Sometimes I need to be listened to and not told what to do and how to feel. Otherwise, I just shut up."
Overcoming. Continue to explain: “When you just listen to me and let me know that you hear and understand, I feel very good. It helps us change habitual behavior and get closer.”
Resolution of the situation. Expressing your feelings or requests in this way does not sound like an accusation. So, it will be easier for you to understand each other and establish communication. nine0016

Result : increased feelings of intimacy, understanding, empathy, forgiveness.

Try other tricks 👈

3 steps to stop blaming others

2.

Keeping score

What phrases signal this

“I do nothing for you… but you do nothing for me! » nine0016
“Three times this week I…”
“I always…”
“You never…”

Consequences of : winner-loser relationship, irritation, rivalry.

What to do

Try to make everyone win.

Both be those who give

A relationship in which one always only gives and the other only receives will not be healthy. Conversely, when both sides give something to each other, each one feels gratitude and joy, he does not feel that he is being used. nine0003

Thank you

“Thanks for responding quickly”, “It's always nice to hear a compliment from you!”, “It seems like I haven't told you how special you are for a long time!” There is always something to thank or praise for. Just say it sincerely.

Ask, don't demand

You can say essentially the same thing, but in different words, and get different results. If your partner is constantly late at work, do not ask him to change. Bring it to his attention in a different way by telling how you feel because of his actions. nine0003

For example: “When you often come home late, I don't feel important to you. It would be very valuable to me if you could come earlier more often. Then I feel that you think about my emotions and keep your word. It sets the tone for the rest of the evening."

Result : Endorphins rush and gratitude revived.

Make it a rule ✍

To receive more, give more

3. Repetitive routine

What phrases signal this

“We never do anything!”
"Why can't you ever go with me..."
"You're always just lying on the couch."
“Maybe we should go to a new place at least once?”

Consequences : frustration, boredom, indifference, decreased desire.

What to do

Change your routine. nine0003

Try new things together

Constantly being in the cycle of business and responsibilities, it is easy to get stuck in your own little world and get bored. Remind yourself that there is a vast outside world and that there is much that you have not yet seen or tried. Choose goals that are of interest to both of you, and go in search of new experiences.

Date

Couples who have been together for a long time usually stop making time for it. But it is communication, joint experiences and fun that support relationships. So try to arrange romantic meetings for yourself more often, as at the beginning of an acquaintance. nine0003

Change language

"I want to spend time with you."
"I have a surprise for you."
"Let's go somewhere together."
"Let's go to that party and meet new people."
"Let's go somewhere we've never been before."
“Maybe we should try ourselves in…?”

Outcome : new discoveries, curiosity, anticipation, laughter, bond strengthening. nine0003

4. Unwillingness to make concessions

What phrases signal this

"Because I want to."
"Let's do this."
"You're wrong!"
"That's not how it's done."

Consequences of : despondency, resentment, disunity.

What to do

Replace "I" with "we".

Speak out the values of your couple

To do this, formulate a statement that reflects what is important to you as a couple and what you are striving for. For example: “We show respect, admiration and deep love for each other. We choose to develop individually and together and enjoy our common life.” nine0003

Change your mindset

Remember that you both deserve to be happy. Look for ways to help you achieve this.

Change your language

“What do you want to do?”
“Maybe we can do both?”
"Let's each do our own thing, and then we'll meet together. .."

Result : feeling of connection, unity, balance.

5. Reminder of old wounds

What phrases signal this?

"You always do this."
“Well, here you are again…”
“You are not going to apologize for…”

Consequences of : re-experiencing pain due to past hurts and disappointments, avoiding, suppressing your feelings and desires.

What to do

Try to be consciously in the present.

Notice when you are drawn into the past

An excessively harsh reaction to some partner's action is most often a projection of an old trauma. It can be from childhood, from a previous relationship, or from an earlier stage of the current one. As soon as you notice that you are returning to the old days, try to look at the situation and at the partner with a new look, with openness and without prejudice. nine0003

Change your language

"I'm here with you. "
"I want to understand."
"What do you want now?"
"What can I say or do to make you feel better?"

Result : a new understanding of yourself, healing from old injuries, enjoying the moment.

6. Habitual track

What phrases signal this

“No matter.”
"I don't care."
"I don't remember." nine0016

Consequences: loss of interest in a partner, passivity, disunity.

What to do

Remember what you like about each other.

"Turn on" when communicating with a partner

We get used to our daily routine, including ceasing to value relationships the way we started. And when talking with a partner, we often answer automatically. To get out of this habitual rut, remind yourself of what initially attracted you to a partner, and try to notice it more often in him. nine0003

Change the language of communication

“Remember how we…”
“I want to call you…”
“I miss being together… Let's resume this tradition. ”
"I love it when you..."
"Let's have a date."

Result : strengthening of intimacy, return of desire.

Explore possible strategies ❤️

5 ways to keep your partner interested

7. Trying to think in the same way

What phrases signal this

“You also approve of this idea, don’t you?”
"Will you agree with me?"
"I can't believe you're against it."

Consequences of : falseness, instability.

What to do

Take differences easy.

Be yourself

Sincerity is important in a relationship, which means that everyone should express a real opinion, and not agree out of politeness. Otherwise, you will simply deny yourself and your needs. nine0003

Embrace and enjoy your differences

Of course it's important to have something in common, but differences will only deepen and enrich both of you. It is unlikely that you want to be with an exact copy of yourself.

Remind yourself that it's okay to change.

You may have shared a dream before, but people change and so do their dreams. We are constantly learning something new, we are influenced by external factors and internal experience. Accept it in yourself and in your partner. nine0003

Change the language of communication

“Everything is fine. Everyone can have their own opinion."
"I like to watch you do things your way."
"Thank you for telling me about this and opening up something new for me."
"What can I say or do to make you feel how much I love and appreciate you?"

Outcome : Acceptance, respect, strengthening intimacy.

Understand the issue 😫

What to do if you and your loved one have different views on life

8. Denial of self-sufficiency

What phrases signal this

"No one will love you like I do. "
"You are everything to me."
"I don't know what I would have to do without you."

Consequences : dependence, loss of one's own "I", irritation of the partner.

What to do

Remind yourself that your partner just completes you.

Draw the line

It's one thing to enjoy your partner's company and turn to him for support, it's another to completely depend on him for moods and decisions. A partner can increase your happiness, but taking care of him should not be completely on his shoulders. Your happiness is in your hands. nine0003

Change language

"Thank you for making my life fuller."
"I am learning a lot with you and from you."
"You and I are a great team!"

Result : feeling of own integrity, strengthening of communication.

9. Pointing out shortcomings

What phrases signal this

“You should take care of yourself”.
"Why don't you get a raise?" nine0016
“I wish you…”

Consequences : lack of joy, trust, passion.

What to do

Remind each other of positive things.

Focus on the good things

When you first fell in love, you probably noticed and mentioned what you like about your partner. It's time to restart it. You can even write everything down on paper.

Share what you appreciate in a partner

Talk, leave notes, do nice little things - in general, try to put a smile on your partner's face and make him feel that he is appreciated. nine0003

Change language

"Thank you for everything you do for us."
"Today I'm just wondering why I love you so much."
"I appreciate you for..."
"Thank you for..."

Outcome : return of desire and intimacy.

Use every opportunity 😍

5 love languages that make relationships stronger

10.

Threats to end the relationship

What phrases indicate this

“If you do this again, I will file for divorce.”
"I can't take it anymore."
"That's it, I've had enough!"
“Well, go away, if so!”

Consequences : uncertainty, anxiety, hostility.

What to do

Look for ways to heal relationships.

Try to reconnect

Threats and the fear they cause only divide you. Try to talk and understand what exactly needs to be changed in the relationship in order for everything to work out. And be ready to be active.

Consider going to a family psychologist

Do not be afraid to seek such help. Whatever you choose in the end - to stay together or peacefully disperse - a psychologist will help you cope with the most difficult.

Change language

"I'm not leaving you."
"I know we can get through this. "
"I'll wait until you want to discuss this."
"I really want to learn from this situation so we can move on."
“Sorry for the threats. Let's figure out how to deal with this so we can stay together."

Outcome : motivation to solve problems, stability, potential for growth.

15 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship - Soul Site

Communication allows us to communicate our feelings and emotions to others, and provides opportunities to discuss topics such as sex and romance, stress management, and conflict resolution. Here are some ways to improve your communication skills:

Ask how your day went

Ask about it every day. Ask: “How are you? How was your day?" Not only will this keep your conversation going, but it will also develop the habit of talking to each other. nine0003

Never assume

It is easy to paint a picture in your own head if there is an understatement in a relationship. Assumptions and an attempt to read the thoughts of a partner, as a rule, lead to misunderstandings and resentment. Never assume that you know what your chosen one is thinking - ask him about it.

Listen, listen, listen

Communication is not just talking, it is active listening. Hear what your partner wants to convey to you, instead of being defensive, not understanding the partner’s point of view or where he is leading. nine0003

Don't pick on

Do not excavate where it is not required. If you have a problem, tell your partner about it. Your nitpicking will slowly eat away at your relationship.

Keep your finger on the pulse of relationships

Be aware of your relationship and your partner's feelings for you. Talk to him about the two of you from time to time. And, if you are planning some drastic changes - moving, vacation, etc. make sure you talk about it. Common interests bring together. nine0003

See things positively

Pleasant communication is built on the basis of a positive attitude of partners. Don't approach problems as if they can't be solved.

Answer

If your partner is talking to you, pay attention to him and listen to him. Couples try to get each other's attention throughout the day, whether it's support, conversation, interest, play, validation, affection. Each of these moments is an opportunity to meet the needs of the partner in what he is looking for. By responding to his appeal, you satisfy each other's emotional needs. nine0003

Discuss the possible development of the situation before it happens

If you are experiencing stress or crisis, talk to your partner about it. Thus, he will know the reason for your bad mood or extreme anxiety, and help you get through this uncomfortable moment.

Say Thank You

A great way to build intimacy is to express gratitude for what your partner did that day. Yes, it's that simple. nine0003

Discuss your sexual fantasies

Open communication about sex does not mean that both of you will be satisfied. It shows a real connection between you. Partners who openly talk about their fantasies and communicate well have more trust in each other and are more aroused, have great sex, and are happy with the relationship.

Communicate during sex

You don't have to be a great speaker to be able to communicate during sex. Talking during sex is great, but moaning, grabbing his hand tighter or arching your back harder, even just saying “I feel so good” is a great way to make sure communication happens at all levels of your relationship, including in the bedroom. . nine0003

Use the language of feeling

If you are depressed and stressed, try to focus on the language of your feelings. Talk about how you feel and feel. It works wonders.

Choose your time

Do not bring up an issue if there is no time to properly discuss it. Don't approach your partner with a bunch of little problems, but highlight the most significant one. nine0003

Compliment each other

If you are in a long-term relationship, it's easy to take all the good things for granted, which can cause resentment in your significant other. Keep reminding your partner that you appreciate and love them.

Learn more

Improve communication in relationships

10 ways to improve communication in relationships

Why is communication in relationships important?

Is there such a thing as over-communication?

How to communicate in a relationship

1. Commit to true connection

2. Identify your communication styles

3. Discover the Six Human Needs

9 KEYS TO PASSION & INTIMACY

4. Learn the three keys to passion and intimacy

5. Determine if your partner’s needs are being met

6. Be honest and open

7. Be present in your relationship

8. Let things go

9. Break negative patterns

10. Start over

Ready to learn how to communicate better?

Lack of Communication: 17 Tips for Couples

Passive aggressive behavior

Brushing things under the rug

Using aggressive speech

Process your feelings first

Thinking about timing

Start with ‘I’ statements and feelings

Focus on being both being heard and listening

Make compromising and resolution the goal

Set clear boundaries

Leave notes for your partner

Regularly check-in throughout the day

The silent treatment

Bringing up past mistakes

Yelling or screaming

Walking away

Sarcasm and put-downs

Disrespectful nonverbal behavior

How we reviewed this article:

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15 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship - Soul Site