I hate intimacy

Fear of Intimacy Overview: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatments

To be intimate with someone is to share close emotional or physical ties. If you fear intimacy, you fear becoming too close to others.

Intimate relationships can be divided into four types:

Experiential. You share common activities, interests, or experiences that bring you together.
Intellectual. You bond through an exchange of ideas or deep, meaningful discussions.
Emotional. You share innermost feelings or form a spiritual connection.
Sexual. You have a close sensual relationship.

If you have a fear of intimacy, you may be deliberately avoiding intimacy or you may not realize you’re doing it.

Fear of intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t want intimate relationships. You may long for intimacy, though you can’t seem to allow yourself that vulnerability.

Continue reading as we explore some reasons for fear of intimacy and what you can do about it.

Fear of intimacy may be obvious, but it can be misinterpreted as anger, indifference, or coldness. Someone who fears intimacy may:

have low self-esteem
have trust issues
experience episodes of anger
actively avoid physical contact
have trouble forming or committing to close relationships
have a history of unstable relationships
be unable to share feelings or express emotion
have insatiable sexual desire
live in self-imposed social isolation

There are a number of things that might cause someone to fear intimacy. It may have to do with past experiences, especially those of childhood.

It’s likely a defense mechanism. You don’t allow yourself to become vulnerable or trust in someone else because you don’t want to get hurt.

Fear of rejection

Fear of intimacy may be rooted in fear of being rejected, so you never take those first steps toward building a relationship. You may fear rejection because it happened to you before or you’ve seen it happen to others and you don’t want to experience that kind of hurt.

Fear of abandonment

You might be worried that once you’re in an intimate relationship, the other person will leave. Fear of abandonment can be due to something that happened in childhood. It could be the death or separation of a parent or other close adult.

Avoidant personality disorder

Avoidant personality disorder, also known as intimacy anxiety disorder, is an anxiety disorder affecting about 2.5 percent of the population. It affects men and women equally and tends to start in childhood.

Symptoms of avoidant personality disorder include:

low self-esteem, shyness, awkwardness
fear of judgment or humiliation
avoidance of social situations
oversensitivity to criticism
exaggerated sense of potential problems

The cause of avoidant personality disorder isn’t clear, but it tends to run it families. One theory is that it’s caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. It could be triggered by an instance of rejection or abandonment.

Childhood sexual abuse

Sexual abuse in childhood can lead to fear of intimate emotional or sexual relationships. Such abuse can make it challenging to trust another person enough to become intimate.

Symptoms of fear of intimacy linked to childhood sexual abuse may include:

inhibited sexual desire, difficulty becoming aroused
seeing sex as an obligation
feelings of anger, disgust, or guilt when touched
emotional distance during sex
inappropriate sexual behaviors
physical problems such as pain, erectile dysfunction, or difficulty having an orgasm

Other causes

Some other potential causes of fear of intimacy are:

previous verbal or physical abuse
parental neglect
separation issues involving overdependence on parents and family
fear of being controlled or losing oneself in a relationship

Fear of intimacy can have a significant impact on your life, particularly in a romantic relationship. Research shows that anxiety disorders can negatively affect the quality of a partner relationship.

Fear of intimacy may cause one to withhold affection or put up barriers to emotional or sexual affection. If your partner doesn’t know about or understand this, they may feel unwanted and unloved.

Other effects are:

social isolation
greater risk for depression and substance abuse
serial dating or having a lot of short-term relationships
sabotaging relationships by being difficult and overly critical

It’s always a good idea to start with a complete physical checkup, especially if you haven’t had one in a while. Once physical illnesses have been ruled out, a doctor can refer you to an appropriate mental health specialist.

Psychiatrists and psychologists are trained to conduct evaluations and diagnose anxiety disorders such as fear of intimacy or avoidant personality disorder.

Your approach to overcoming these fears depends on why you have them in the first place, as well as how severe the fear is.

You may have a very mild fear that you can deal with on your own or with some behavioral therapy. But if your fear is due to trauma, is severe, or is accompanied by depression, professional counseling is recommended.

Coming to terms with your fear of intimacy

Think about events in your life and try to understand where your fears come from. Are you unconsciously destroying relationships? And do you want more meaningful relationships?

Value yourself

All relationships come with a degree of uncertainty. Many intimate relationships are worth having, even if they don’t last forever.

Cut yourself some slack: You’re not perfect, but neither is any potential relationship partner. If someone ends a relationship with you, it says nothing about your value as a person.

Communicate

Be open with your partner. If it’s not too painful, talk about your fears and where they come from. If it’s too painful to discuss, explain that you’re willing to work through these issues with a medical professional.

Define your personal boundaries. Describe what helps you feel safe, as well as things that trigger fear. Tell your partner what you need and let them know you’re trying to overcome your fears.

Seek help from a professional

The main treatment for avoidant personality disorders is psychotherapy. Mental health professionals can help you understand where those fears originate and how to cope with them.

When your partner fears intimacy

If it’s your partner who has a fear of intimacy, keep the lines of communication open. Let them know you’re available to listen, but don’t push them into revealing the source of their fears. This may be too painful.

Support them in seeking therapy. Ask what you can do to help them feel safe. Be patient, because learning to cope takes time. It’s not easy, but keep in mind that their fear of intimacy is not about you personally.

Fear of intimacy is a mental health disorder that can lead you to sabotage relationships and isolate yourself. It takes time and patience, but with professional guidance, you can learn to overcome your fears and form meaningful bonds with others.

Silent Signs You Have Intimacy Issues |

Fear of intimacy is understandable—and common—but the inability to overcome that fear will wreck your relationships. First, you need to recognize the subtle fear-of-intimacy signs, then you have to address the problem: Here's what the experts recommend.

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Dean-Drobot/Shutterstock

You’re angry—a lot

There are many types of anger, and it helps to figure out what type you’re expressing. A deep, subconscious fear of intimacy can rear its ugly head, showing up in response to a relationship that is becoming uncomfortably close, and one way this fear can manifest is via anger. “Constant explosions of anger indicate immaturity, and immature people cannot form intimate relationships,” says John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but if you find feelings of anger bubbling up constantly, or inappropriately, a fear of intimacy may be lurking underneath. The fix may not be easy, or quick, but communicating your feelings to your partner can help. “Talking it out is key here. Foster vigorous, frequent, honest, and open communication. Don’t deny these intimacy issues exist, and put them on the table with the person you are interested in,” suggests Dr. Mayer.

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You’re scared not to be perfect

We all want to be loved, warts and all, but that takes trust, and the ability to risk rejection. “People in relationships are constantly asking themselves, in one way or another, if they can trust the other person. Can they show their flaws, or risk being embarrassed? The way to move past this fear is to take measured risks,” says licensed marriage and family therapist, Jenn Kennedy. Being loved for who you really are is an incredible gift, but you have to show your partner the real you, if it’s ever going to happen. “Give your partner the chance to show up for you, and see how it works out. If it goes well, risk doing something bigger, and more important,” suggests Kennedy, who also stresses the importance of verbalizing your fears, and feelings. “This is a great way to help the other person soften, and be more open. For example, if you say ‘I’m afraid you won’t respect, love, or find me attractive if I do this,’ It lets your partner express a willingness to not reject you,” she explains. Nobody’s perfect. No matter who are you, or might have done in the past, coming clean about it will free you up, allowing emotional intimacy to take the place of fear. You can also gauge whether your partner is trustworthy by looking for these signs.

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You’re sexually immature

Maybe you love sex, but can’t connect with your partner during the act—ever. If so, your intimacy issues may be fostering a level of sexual immaturity, which has nothing to do with chronological age. “Sexual immaturity can show up as an excessive interest in porn, or in sex acts, as opposed to making love. Sexually immature individuals may also insist upon using toys, or the accouterments of sex, rather than concentrating on their partner. It includes inattention to the other’s needs, and sole concentration on their own need for sexual release, or gratification,” says Dr. Mayer.

People with a fear of intimacy may also recoil from sex, altogether. Both ends of the spectrum display an inability to emotionally let go or to communicate intimately. Dr. Mayer suggests letting yourself be emotionally naked towards each other, so that you are not afraid to bring up your fears, and insecurities. If you are able to do this in all aspects of your life, it will be easier to do it sexually, as well. “Remember, by doing this, you are allowing the other person to get to know the real you, and that’s the best path to intimacy and love,” he explains. Don’t miss these habits of couples with steamy sex lives.

4 / 10

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You’re there in body, but not in spirit

You can share a home and still have intimacy issues. Maybe it’s the television set which is always on, even during dinner, or the video games you play incessantly on your own, in the basement. You don’t have to be attached to your partner at the hip, but if you never take the time to talk to each other, fear of intimacy may be the reason why. “Simple, nonverbal ways to build intimacy include eye contact, staying off technology, and being present for your partner. Physical contact, such as cuddling in the morning, or a real hug when you come back together after work, can be especially powerful,” says Kennedy. “These expressions of intimacy communicate to the other person that they matter to you. It builds safety, which results in deeper intimacy,” she adds.

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Your record precedes you

If looking back yields nothing but a steady stream of relationships that didn’t work out, your fear of intimacy may be to blame. It can be agonizing trying to find a negative pattern in your own behavior, but find it you must, if you’re ever going to break free, says Kennedy. Dig deep, and look at all of the important people in your life, not just your romantic partners. Fear of intimacy can also affect familial relationships and friendships. “If you always prefer to spend time in groups, rather than one-on-one, that may represent a fear of intimacy,” says Kennedy. As reported in PsychAlive, fear of intimacy which runs this deep may have its roots in childhood. No one has a perfect upbringing, but if yours is getting in the way of your ability to be an adult, working it out with a therapist may be your best bet.

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Alejandro-J. -de-Parga/Shutterstock

You prefer emotional affairs to your real-life relationship

If you find yourself talking through all the intimacy issues in your relationship with someone else, that may represent fear of intimacy. This emotional relationship may be especially damaging if the someone else is a potential sexual partner. It won’t matter if you’re connecting online, at the office, or in a bar. What matters here is that you’re not communicating honestly with your partner or working on your relationship. “Emotional affairs are all about shattering trust. When you go behind your partner’s back, and share information you wouldn’t dare talk about if your partner was standing there, that’s an emotional affair,” explains life coach and author, David Essel. He warns, if you’re leaning on your emotional affair for support and self-validation, this is a big-time fear-of-intimacy red flag.

Even if you’re not having sex within your emotional affair, acknowledging that it is hurting your primary relationship is the best, first step you can take towards rectifying the situation. Communicate honestly with your partner, and yourself, about what this connection represents to you, and recognize how much easier it is to be pretend-intimate with someone you hardly know, rather than going deep with the person you truly love. Worried that your partner may be cheating? Look for these 12 signs.

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You’re married to your job

Being a workaholic is not a badge of honor, but rather, may be a powerful sign of emotional intimacy issues. Worse, long hours can be hard on your physical health. “When we bury ourselves in busy work, it might be because we are unconsciously avoiding intimacy. Many people who avoid intimacy do so because they are trying to dodge feelings of sadness, shame, or anger. By staying busy all the time, you can easily ignore those feelings, and avoid having to deal with them,” says A.J. Marsden, PhD, an assistant professor of human services and psychology at Beacon College, in Leesburg, Florida. “If you’ve been with your partner for a while, it’s easy to fall into a routine, and evade intimate moments. Start a weekly date night, but alternate who gets to pick the activity each week. This helps you share your intimate interests, while at the same time staying in a rather positive environment,” suggest Dr. Marsden, who also suggests doing things together at home, such as cooking a meal or growing a garden. “While doing these activities, talk about what you like, and don’t like, and ask each other questions,” she adds. It may also help to do nothing together, letting the day take you where it wants to go. Just make sure to keep your phones off, and your communication skills on. And don’t forget to make time for sex. Sex is important in building intimacy in a relationship. It also confers a lot of health benefits. Here are some reasons your partner may not want to have sex with you.

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You’re wearing a mask

Maybe you’re an unending perfectionist, and it’s ruining your life, or maybe, you’re afraid to take your mask off and show fear, worry, or concern. According to Dr. Marsden, another subtle sign of emotional intimacy fear is always being incredibly positive. “People who avoid intimacy, want to be perceived by others as always being in a good mood, and never getting angry, or upset about anything. By forcing this positivity all the time, you’re not sharing empathy, and therefore, avoiding deep connections with others,” she explains. This can also manifest as always needing to be the strong one, in every situation, or by being perfectly perfect, all the time. These techniques all mask an inability to show your true, warts-and-all self, to other people. “By not allowing others to see your vulnerability or mistakes, they are less likely to grow close to you.”

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You keep your partner away from your people

Can’t stand the thought of your mom sharing old baby pics with your honey? Or maybe it’s fear of the stories your best friend from back in the day will tell. Keeping your partner away from your family, or friends, is a clear sign of a fear of intimacy. It allows you to remain segmented in a way, almost guaranteed to eliminate true, complete knowledge, of who you are. Your behavior may be fueled by the anxiety of embarrassment about your old self. Maybe you were chubbier (or clumsier, or bad in school) than you want to let on, or maybe you don’t wish to share your family’s closeted secrets with someone new. No matter what the reason, it’s unlikely that you can go the distance in a romantic relationship, and never let them know about your family, or past. The fix? Coming clean about what you’re hoping to hide, biting the bullet, and scheduling a get together with a relative, or friend. Start with one person, rather than Thanksgiving dinner, and you’ll be more likely to work yourself up to full family gatherings, and full intimacy, over time. Make sure you’re not guilty of any of these other subtle relationship sabotagers.

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You lack confidence

If you’re not comfortable in your own skin, it’s hard to let someone else in. “The ability to be intimate with another, results from a personal sense of confidence, and balanced self-esteem,” says Dr. Mayer. Without those fundamental attributes, it’s easy to fear being mocked, or not taken seriously. Lacking confidence often results in intimacy issues with someone else. The way to combat this is often a solo excursion but still requires letting your partner know your feelings. Next, find out the 15 signs your relationship is solid as a rock.

Originally Published: November 20, 2018

Corey Whelan

Corey Whelan is a freelance writer and reproductive health professional who has worked with infertility patients and adopting parents for over 25 years. Her work has been featured in multiple media outlets, including Reader’s Digest, The Healthy, Healthline, CBS Local, and Berxi. Follow her on Twitter @coreygale.

Arthur Schopenhauer quote: Anticipating the approach of death, I confess that I hate the German nation because of ...

- Arthur Schopenhauer

Taken from Wikiquote. Last update July 2, 2022

9000 a nation too small to do big stupid things.”

— Hendrik Anton Lorenz Dutch physicist Lorentz as a creator and a person" (1953).

"The proximity of death provides a goal."

- Lance Armstrong American cyclist 1971

"The proximity of death activates life itself."

- Peter Heppner German vocalist what people do is like endless stupidity.”

— Carlos Castaneda American writer and anthropologist, ethnographer, esoteric thinker and mystic 1925 - 1998

Don Juan Matus

"Cancer blushes after its death: what exemplary delicacy in the victim." in German captivity, they learned that there is no nation in the world more contemptible, more abandoned, more alien and unnecessary than the Russian. "

- Alexander Isaevich Solzhenitsyn Russian writer, publicist, poet, public and political figure 1918 - 2008

The Gulag Archipelago, Volume 2, Part 3, Chapter 6.

"There are women who are loved for their stupidity, and there are women who are hated for their intelligence." Only two things are infinite. The universe and human stupidity. But I'm not sure about the first one.”

— Albert Einstein theoretical physicist, one of the founders of modern theoretical physics, Nobel laureate, public figure… 1879 - 1955

“There are only two infinite things: the universe and stupidity. Although I'm not sure about the universe.”

- Albert Einstein theoretical physicist, one of the founders of modern theoretical physics, Nobel Prize winner, public figure ... 1879 - 1955

Two things are endless: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe yet.

„Sometimes tolerance reaches such a limit that it is more likely to be called stupidity than kindness or generosity. A person should have enough intelligence to hate his enemies.“

— Sebastian-Roche Nicolas de Chamfort French writer, thinker, moralist 1741 - 1794

Sleep. These little pieces of death. How I hate them."

- Edgar Allan Poe American writer, poet, literary critic and editor 1809 - 1849

"There are only two infinite things: the universe and stupidity. Although I’m not quite sure about the Universe.“

- Albert Einstein theoretical physicist, one of the founders of modern theoretical physics, Nobel Prize winner, public figure ... 1879 - 1955

attributed, there are several close variants of the phrase
Attributed quotes

“I found a cure for death. To love people is to live forever.”

— Hussein Avni Dede

“I hate being late. Making people wait for you is stupidity and disrespect. First of all, to oneself.“

— Sergey Vasilievich Makovetsky Soviet and Russian theater and film actor 1958

“Impatience, the mother of stupidity, praises brevity . .. such people have no time to form an idea about one particular subject, and therefore they want to give an idea in abbreviation God, who embraces the universe, is hung up and crushed into infinite parts, as if dissecting it.“

— Leonardo da Vinci Italian artist, scientist, inventor, writer, one of the greatest representatives of the art of the High Renaissance 1452 - 1519

“I hate death. I see it as destruction, as a terrible end.”

— Elizaveta Petrovna Glinka Russian philanthropist 1962 - 2016

Ekho Moskvy radio station. Flight debriefing program. Aired February 03, 2014.

“Without Simak, science fiction would not have had its most humane element, its most humane spokesman for the wisdom of the average person and the vital values of being close to the earth.”

- Clifford Donald Simak American science fiction and fantasy writer 1904 - 1988

Without Simak, science fiction would have been without its most humane element, its most humane spokesman for the wisdom of the ordinary person and the value of life lived close to the land.

Source: Clifford D. Simak, Over the River and Through the Woods. Tachyon Publications, 1996, blurb.

James Edwin Gunn, 1996

“You are never mentally prepared to see your parents on the brink of death. For every daughter, her father is the coolest guy in the world, the one who hates her boyfriend. And when you see him sick and weak… you start shaking.”

- Priyanka Chopra Indian actress, model and singer 1982

"I love German rap. It's the same as the American one, only in German."

- Tom Kaulitz guitarist of the German band "Tokio Hotel" 1989

but Death is an absolute, and only death can be greater than death, therefore the name of any God, above it, is also Death. The ancients knew this and tried to appease their deities with sacrifices - deaths, but Death does not need any bribes, because She is the mistress of all living things. It's ridiculous to try to give her something that rightfully belongs to her.“

- Shaul Kabakchi

Source: Email

"In the despair, it made it possible to use it.

Now I hate myself and sex”

Question to the expert Man and woman Sex

Mom told me: “You must have one man, the first and the last, you must be faithful to one all your life.” And six years ago, I confessed my love to a guy with whom I had been in love since childhood. But he said: “You are good, why am I like this?” It destroyed me, all my hopes. After his refusal, I became vile to myself. How could I tell him all this, why? nine0003

I lost control of myself and my life. And at a party, I slept with a guy whom I had only known for one day. I don't believe that I could do this. It seemed to me that I committed suicide at that moment with myself, with my soul. At first, I was even afraid to leave the house - it seemed to me that everyone around me saw this dirt in me.

Six months later, the guy I loved appeared and wanted to talk. I was happy: after all, he returned to tell me that he was wrong and now we will be together ... But he just took advantage of me. In the morning I got up and left. nine0003

Five years have passed since that morning. Every day I reproach myself for wasting my life on dreams that will never come true, for killing my soul in one evening. I cannot forgive myself for this act. And since that time I can not build a relationship. Just the thought of intimacy makes me sick. I tried to force myself, but it seemed to me that I was punishing myself in this way - and it became even worse.

I think I deserve it all. Never again can I be happy and forgive myself for betraying myself. I have no more feelings but pain and self-hatred. nine0003

Elvira, 25 years old

Elvira, the fact that you wrote your question here already speaks of a desire to help yourself, of showing self-love, not hatred. Let's try to understand this situation.

It all starts from the moment when your mother told you that a man should be alone and for life, that you must always be faithful to him. Each of us believes in our parents, which is why certain beliefs are laid in our unconscious. Your perception of yourself, your first love, your sexual experience, and intimacy in general is a reenactment of your mother's belief. And self-punishment for going beyond it. nine0003

It's important to start by saying that by telling your partner how you feel, you haven't done anything terrible! Moreover, you said it not so much for him as you followed your feelings and desires.

Yes, when talking about our feelings, of course, we can meet with a lack of reciprocity. Our response to painful experiences will depend on what we have learned in the family. If unconsciously you still have not separated from your mother, then your reactions will naturally be harsh and cold towards yourself. nine0003

I propose to start by seeing the internal conflict - your desires and feelings against the norms and beliefs that you have acquired in the family. And at a party, you slept with a guy because you wanted to. But they began to eat themselves and, as if looking at themselves through the eyes of their mother, thinking that you could not do this, which means that you “committed suicide, with your soul. ”

Understand that this perception of the situation was born in you not because you chose it, but because you believed that you do not have the right to different experiences, to study yourself and this world, to extract experience from each situation in order to move further. Noticing this, realizing your merging with your mother's position, you will be able to choose your reaction now, learn to perceive reality and yourself in a new way. nine0003

Try to revise your life experience from a new point of view - not from a traumatic, but from a healthy attitude towards yourself

behaviors are necessary to work through your trauma.

You are "sick of the thought of intimacy" because you look at the world from your mother's position. Mom shared this belief with you, precisely feeling the fear of true intimacy and not understanding herself as a woman. It is important to understand that mom did not do this out of malice, but because she wanted to take care of you and save you from facing (with her!) Potential relationship pain. However, this is not the truth, but only its traumatic perception. nine0003

You have every right to be separated! Separation and separation from parents is possible only when we question their beliefs for ourselves, review them, choose those that we like and leave. And those that are uncomfortable for us, we do not choose, but transform and build our own.

You absolutely deserve to forgive yourself, even if your mother thinks otherwise. It is also important to understand that before you could not perceive your experience differently, because you did not want to lose her love. They could not feel otherwise, because unconsciously it would be unsafe, and each of us does what is safe and familiar to him. nine0003

Try to reconsider your life experience from a new point of view - not from a traumatic, but from a healthy attitude towards yourself. What was pleasant and valuable for you in each of the cases? What can you take away from your experience? What can you learn from? What did you really enjoy?

If you were a caring parent for your inner child (if difficult, imagine that your future daughter, for example, turned to you with such a problem) - how would you like to support him? What would you say? What would you advise? nine0003

The question of attitude towards oneself and one's life experience can be deeply studied and corrected in personal therapy.

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