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Addicted to girlfriend


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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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I'm addicted to a friend - 6 advice from psychologists, consultations

Hello, Guzal.

It's good that you discover your addiction yourself. If in some miraculous way you cope with the dependence on your girlfriend, you will find yourself another object of dependence easily and quickly.

In order not to find yourself in such a situation, you need to develop your personality. This can be done in individual work with a psychologist or in a group, or independently read and do exercises. Come to our conference. nine0003

Anna Kanaeva, Gestalt therapist Almaty

Good morning Guzal! Try to find something to distract you from meeting this girl. After all, you probably had girlfriends before her. Meet them. You write that you have completed your studies, which means that there will be work or something else. You can meet, but by virtue of her and your capabilities.

Chernysh Nadezhda Nikolaevna, psychologist in Almaty

Expand the circle of friends, and, to survive the loss of a friend in advance, she is not you, not your mother, and not even a sister, she is a friend who may have other feelings for you, and have you have other plans. Feelings of loss are difficult to accept, the same feeling with disappointment, when reality turns out to be different, not the way we wanted or expected. These feelings are helped to live and complete by a psychologist in one-on-one work. nine0003

Araji Evgenia Yurievna, psychologist, Almaty

Guzal, good afternoon,

ideally - you don’t need to depend on anyone - neither from parents, nor from brothers and sisters, nor from suitors, nor from husbands:) And girlfriends - not an exception.

Therefore, you correctly "sounded the alarm" and decided to do something about it.

It is not at all necessary to move away on purpose. Any addiction (from food, smoking, games, etc.) is overcome gradually ... with the help of positive substitutions. It follows logically from the description of the situation that time alone is not comfortable enough for you. Make it more comfortable, occupy yourself with useful and, most importantly, enjoyable activities. So gradually, you will lengthen your "no girlfriend" intervals. nine0003

The second step... make this problem public. Can you discuss this with your friend herself, finding out along the way what she herself feels and thinks about this topic? How does she feel about the fact that you meet too often? What do these meetings give her? Decorate the dialogue with notes of humor and lightness. Tell me that this is simply impossible, how do we depend on each other ??))) something needs to be done about this, otherwise .. . you can really lose your independence in friendship.

Friendship with another must be fruitful and developing for both parties. If it’s just “closing personality holes” with the help of each other, nourishing weaknesses, support in everything, without criticism, communication without common deeds and achievements ... then such friendship is more conducive to personal stagnation and even degradation. nine0003

No distances, pauses, silences affect true friendship. There are no claims and far-fetched grievances among real girlfriends and friends. After years of separation and traveling to different cities, such friendship will not lose its warmth and understanding, readiness to support and help.

A woman who does not have a real girlfriend is a truly lonely woman:) I do not remember whose idea this is, but I completely agree with her. So female friendship in itself is a great happiness and support in life. nine0003

But everything needs a measure:) It's better to do your best to become the closest to yourself. Then productive and balanced relationships will be built with others.

Sincerely,

Konshina Anastasia, psychologist Almaty

Hello, Guzal!

It would be interesting to understand what is so important that you began to find in this girl that you did not find before, that there is something special in her that is not in anyone or anything else? When you can answer this question for yourself, it will be possible to think about what other people or activities can replace excessive communication and attachment to a girlfriend. nine0003

Sincerely, Olga Khablova

Khablova Olga Evgenievna, psychologist Almaty

Hello!

Close friendships and dependence should not be confused.

Personally, I'm not sure that you are dependent on your girlfriend.

But if it scares you, then you can figure it out. Come to the reception.

Eliseeva Galina Mikhailovna, psychologist Almaty

what is hidden behind dependence on girlfriends

Women's friendship is a heterogeneous phenomenon. Contrary to popular belief that such does not exist in nature, sometimes there are strong and viable women's alliances based on a commonality of values, ideas, goals and interests. "Sisters in arms" do not divide men, do not argue over trifles, do not discuss various nonsense. As a rule, they are united by some serious common cause, and this format of relations is closer to the “male” version of friendship. There is also “friendship-competition” between ladies, forced friendship “out of hopelessness”, for the sake of profit (including material), “to spite the enemies” and other intricate designs. Primitive options like a joint vacation or shopping are also common, although not the most reliable. But the most tragic option is friendship-dependence. nine0003

"Kindergarten Idol"

The last option can start even in early childhood. A case is described when a 4-year-old girl, according to her mother, put her friend in kindergarten on a pedestal, fell into hysterics if her friend did not come to the garden or played with other children, followed her tail. At the same time, she could behave aggressively with other children. The mother decided to change the kindergarten, but in the new preschool institution, the daughter found exactly the same friend whom she idolizes and allows her absolutely everything - even a disrespectful attitude, in order to maintain a non-existent friendship, the parent is experiencing. nine0003

Similar episodes are usually carried over to the school. A girl can find a friend-“idol” for herself and completely obsess over her, rejecting other applicants. Other children seem uninteresting, boring, narrow-minded, stupid, you don’t want to communicate with them. But the friend's interests become personal interests, her enemies become personal enemies, and so on. Everything that a friend does is idealized, her opinion acquires special weight and authority. If a dependent girlfriend is nothing of herself as a person, her fate is unenviable - she will simply be abandoned. If it seems second interesting, such a friendship can drag on until graduation (since this format often does not fit into a new adult life) and remain a pleasant memory for a lifetime. With one “but”: a friend who is prone to addiction, and in adulthood will look for some analogue of a youthful “idol”, disappointed in everyone who somehow does not correspond to him. nine0003

If the “ideal” girlfriend is still found, the addiction may flare up with renewed vigor. Moreover, in adulthood, according to the observation of psychotherapists, such a toxic dependent friendship is inevitably doomed to failure: if a friend leaves, a protracted depression may begin in the abandoned woman, sometimes requiring months of therapy. It would seem that during this time you can forget not only a friend, but also a man - and not one, but no: a woman can experience such a gap as the end of the world.

By the way, a lot of attention has been paid to this topic by the cinema. In particular, the relationship between two women, which began as a strong fiery union and eventually turns into tantrums and stabbing, is illustrated by the films "The Single White Woman" directed by Barbe Schroeder, and others. Sometimes, according to the plot, the heroine tries to commit suicide, sometimes with her friend, but the ending is in any case disappointing. nine0003

Daughters-mothers

What is the reason: in the costs of upbringing or in the peculiarities of the psychological structure of a particular person?

Psychotherapist, psychologist Pavel Gaskov explains : Based on relationships with parents, certain behavior is also formed. In this case, the reason - is in the relationship of such girls with their mothers (with overprotection by the latter). Having an overprotective, controlling parent, the child gets used to constant insurance outside and transfers this model of behavior to others. nine0003

Relations with girlfriends develop according to the same scenario in which they developed with their mother - this is also called transference or projection of the scenario of relationships in the family. In a friend, the girl is looking for an analogue of her mother, building communication according to the same principles. The suffering of leaving her friend returns her to a state of childish selfishness and helplessness - as if the child had been abandoned by his real mother.

In the case of hypo-custody (i.e., insufficient parental care), the child also grows up dependent on others, but at the same time less demanding: figuratively speaking, he does not break dishes, demanding “his own”, but quietly cries somewhere in corner, until old age, waiting either for an ideal girlfriend, or a prince on a white horse, or some other “savior”. nine0003

One way or another, in relationships, one always dominates, and the other plays the role of a follower, the expert explains. But in men, such "constructs" and conditions occur much less often, if they occur at all. On the one hand, men are less inclined to share their experiences, on the other hand, it is easier for them to unwind in a male company and quickly forget about all the problems somewhere in a sauna with beer and roach. And finally, a man can logically comprehend the situation and understand what exactly went wrong in a relationship with a friend. A woman, on the other hand, will think, think, and as a result, she can hang in a long-term gestalt. nine0003

Find support in yourself

In addition to parental upbringing, society also makes its contribution - kindergarten, school, says Pavel Gaskov. There, the child also learns to form bonds and relationships with peers. All this leaves an imprint on the formation of personality and the resulting patterns of behavior.

“But in general, any relationship between people develops according to the “stimulus-reaction” scheme. Children's exactingness as a result of overprotective upbringing leads to the fact that “strokes”, approval, the return of self-confidence, condemnation of former gentlemen, and so on are required from friends. But if one of her friends constantly complains about life, and the second one supports her, the latter will get tired of it sooner or later, ”said the MIR 24 expert. nine0003

Such an interaction quite often develops between individuals with dependent and avoidant types of behavior. The first type, accordingly, constantly depends on someone or something, the second is characterized by the desire to distance itself from what is unacceptable for it.

There is no general advice on how to stop depending on this format of relationships, as such, but there are quite effective methods. “All resources are in each of us. And the task of a psychotherapist is to help a person find these resources in himself. You can stand in front of a mirror, include a parent in yourself, criticize yourself constructively, become a “mother” to yourself. Or go to fitness, spa. The main thing is to feel pleasant emotions from yourself, from your body, to fill the void that your friend filled with other positive experiences. Pleasant emotions come not only from other people, and emotional support can be found in yourself and your own physical sensations, ”says the expert.

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