I hate everything today
12 Reasons Why You Hate Everything And Everyone (+ Solutions)
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Anger and hatred are such pure feelings.
It’s funny listening to people that have never experienced that level of anger before. They always talk about how awful it feels and how awful you must feel because you’re angry. These people don’t seem to understand that anger and hatred make a confusing life and world so simple.
And frankly, if you’re the kind of person who enjoys being angry, loves conflict, wants to experience the adrenaline that comes with testing yourself against other people, well, there’s no better drug.
But, and there’s always a but, here’s the problem with anger and hate. Anger and hate make you blind. It makes you blind to a lot of wonderful things about life, the harm you’re causing to your loved ones, and the damage you’re causing to your life.
That’s not even counting the ugliness you put into the world that negatively affects the targets of your hate.
That doesn’t feel good if you aren’t actually a terrible person. But if you were a terrible person, you probably wouldn’t be trying to find answers on not being so hateful and angry. Chances are pretty good you feel guilty about it. You may feel ashamed that you were sucked into whatever chaos and anger that pulled you into it.
And, of course, if you tried to express that to other people, they may try to shame you because that’s just kind of how people are. So don’t dwell in that shame. You may be chastised because of how you acted or felt. Still, the alternative of staying in that mindset is certainly not better. Don’t expect to get much sympathy from random people. In fact, it may just be better to hash it out with the privacy of a therapist that shouldn’t judge you.
We’re going to look at reasons people feel hate, what to do about it, and self-management techniques.
You may find that self-management may not be a powerful enough tool to overcome your angry feelings and hatred. That’s okay. It’s a large problem and may require the help of a mental health professional.
That being said, let’s get into some reasons why you may hate everything and everyone.
Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you address the underlying causes of your hatred. You may want to try speaking to one via BetterHelp.com for quality care at its most convenient.
1. Unresolved trauma that is still affecting you.
Unresolved trauma can be the source of negative feelings, depression, anger, or hatred. You may feel rage at the person or situation that harmed you.
Maybe you feel hatred toward an institution that failed you. For example, if you were in a natural disaster, you may feel angry at the government or aid agencies that didn’t provide the kind of help that you needed.
Some combat veterans come back from their deployments with hatred and anger toward the people they were fighting from the stress of combat, losing friends, and whatever they had to do in the line of duty.
Child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual assault survivors, or victims of crime may rightfully feel anger and hate for the people that wronged them.
Trauma comes in many different flavors. Its core is a negative emotional experience that left a lasting mark on the way you move through the world.
Solution: Trauma typically needs to be addressed with the help of a qualified mental health professional. You may require medication to help temper off the extreme emotions and provide some stability to address and heal whatever you experienced.
In addition, therapy will likely be suggested and should be explored. Yes, your professional’s suggestions may sound stupid or silly. Still, give their suggestions a solid try before writing them off. Sometimes the things that sound most stupid are what end up helping us.
2. General or social anxiety problems.
Many people don’t realize that anxiety and anxiety disorders can cause anger issues. Anxiety causes over-stimulation in a person’s brain, which can project outward in many ways.
Many people with anxiety try to build consistency or predictability in their lives. If that predictability is disrupted, it can cause the person to be angry at life or the people that caused the disruption. That anger can boil into hatred because the person is just looking for a little peace, but life will not let them have it!
Solution: Anxiety problems will need to be addressed with a mental health professional. You will want to get to the root of the anxiety to find the right treatment to get it under control. Suppose it’s just anxiety because the world is stressful and life is hard. In that case, there might be self-management practices that can help, like meditation or creating a peaceful space in your life. Unresolved trauma or an anxiety disorder may require therapy or medication to bring it under control.
3. Stress from life, work, or responsibilities.
The world is a difficult place. Resentment and anger toward one’s station in life can easily foster hatred.
That hatred makes those people into “useful idiots,” to borrow a phrase from economist Ludwig von Mises. These people are blinded by their ideological beliefs, anger, and hatred to be manipulated into pushing an aggressive agenda.
It’s easy to be angry and even hate people that have it better than others. That hatred is a potent weapon for bad actors to steal your time, your money, and your attention away from making your own life better. Anger is one of the easiest ways to keep people engaged and tuning in to social media and the news.
Solution: Always ask questions. A big reason that this kind of anger and hatred can flourish is because so many people just blindly accept authority. Various news outlets have a clear bias toward putting out their version of the “truth” instead of fact-based reporting. They focus on the extremes, the spectacle, because that’s what the general public tunes in for. And when it comes to ad revenue and sponsorships, more eyes mean more money.
Work to reduce the stress in your own life. Are there responsibilities that you can take off your own shoulders? Can you start saying “no” to more things that other people try to put on you? Are you a people-pleaser who constantly stretches yourself too thin because you don’t want to let others down? What kind of stress is that causing in your life?
4. Ideological differences that separate you from others.
The “us vs. them” mentality fuels anger which fuels hatred. You could almost think of it as a rolling wheel. The more anger you feel, the more hatred it fosters, the angrier you get, the more hatred it fosters, and on and on the wheel spins until you decide to stop it.
Ideological differences aren’t always because of maliciousness, though. Sometimes they are just the result of ignorance. For example, there are plenty of rural, white communities all over America where no people of color live. Or, if they do, only one or two families may live there. It’s not unusual for white folks from these communities to change their views when they go to college or move to a different city.
They can actually meet different people and see past the rhetoric and bullsh*t that the actual racists in these communities push.
And speaking as someone that grew up in one of those areas, it’s a hell of a lot more common than people realize.
Solution: Test your ideological differences. Expose yourself to different people and their way of life. Go do some volunteer work in a community of people that may make you uncomfortable. Talk to some people that live a different life than you.
If it’s political, talk to some actual people from the other side of the aisle. Don’t listen to the talking heads and influencers purposefully stoking anger to control and influence their useful idiots. What you’ll likely find is that most people want the same thing: peace, happiness, and the ability to conduct their life without being messed with.
5. Burnout and exhaustion.
Burnout and exhaustion can feed anger, resentment, and even hatred. Part of it is how a person not in a good situation needs to live their life.
Poverty is extremely stressful. Hell, even being middle-class can be stressful right now. People are buried in debt, student debt, living paycheck-to-paycheck, and struggling to keep their heads above water. People working multiple jobs don’t feel like they’re making any progress. And, if you’ve shopped for houses or tried to rent recently, prices are completely unreachable and unreasonable for many people. In some areas, a one-bedroom apartment is commanding $1500+ rents.
The problem with burnout and exhaustion is that they completely tap out your emotional reserves. A person who has reached that point will respond with anger to problems, be easier to sweep up into negative rhetoric, and fuel hatred. It’s a big problem that our society faces.
Solution: Good question. Many options that would help alleviate burnout and exhaustion just aren’t realistic. Therapy might help. Looking for a better-paying job may help. Taking a break or a short vacation may help. But what do all of those things have in common? Privilege.
They all assume that you have the time and the money for mental health help, that better jobs exist where you live, that you can afford to take time off and have the money to take a break. Practices like meditation and stress management may help, but that stuff doesn’t keep a roof over your head.
6. Jealousy or envy of other people.
We’ve already touched on socioeconomic factors; let’s look at something more personal. Jealousy and envy of the qualities of other people may be the cause of your dislike and hatred of them. Perhaps it’s someone who is better looking than you, smarter than you, or has some other qualities that make you see that person as somehow superior to you. You may perceive them as a jerk, even if they’re not, because your own anger and judgment are causing you to pigeonhole that person into your perception of who they are. Envy and jealousy add nothing to your life and only serve to rob you of peace and happiness.
Solution: Discard your perceptions and judgments of these other people.
Focus on the fact that other people have traumas and difficulties in life, even if they appear to have all their stuff together. And if they aren’t experiencing it now, they will sooner or later. That’s just how life is.
Even in a best-case scenario where you grow up in a loving home, transition to a loving relationship, have a stable life and career – the people you love will die sooner or later. People get sick. They lose jobs. They make terrible decisions and sometimes do terrible things. That’s life. No one is above it. Everyone will be touched by it sooner or later.
You don’t need to judge another person’s life. When those thoughts creep in, push back against them with reminders that every person has their strengths and weaknesses, even if you can’t see theirs.
Ready to seek professional help for the hatred you feel? Speak to a therapist today who can help you overcome it. Simply connect with one of the experienced therapists on BetterHelp.com.
7. Self-hatred for shortcomings you see in yourself.
Self-hatred is a powerful, painful thing. It’s hard when you look in the mirror and can only see ugly things about yourself. Maybe you don’t feel like you’re smart enough, good enough, or worthy enough.
The setbacks of life can be easy to take personally. For example, if you do poorly in college, you may beat yourself up about not being smart enough to do that. It could be a bad relationship with a romantic partner or your family. You may find yourself telling yourself that you are not good enough or worthy enough for loving, healthy relationships.
Whatever you feel those shortcomings are, they aren’t necessarily true or fair assertions of who you are as a person. Besides, everyone has shortcomings and things they wish they were better at.
Solution: Realistically, this is a problem that may be beyond self-help. You may need to seek help from a therapist to get to the root of the issue and heal it, rather than just bandaging over the wound. In addition, these problems can often come from dark places, like surviving child abuse, domestic abuse, or sexual assault.
They will be better able to help you identify where these feelings are coming from to resolve them.
8. Focusing on the negative.
You can’t grow positive thoughts in a negative mind. That’s a sentence that took on a whole new weight and meaning for me, the writer, while I was working to address my severe Bipolar-depression. You can’t grow positive thoughts in a negative mind. The world is awash in brutality, negativity, pain, and suffering. It’s hard not to give your focus to the spectacle of negativity.
But the simple truth is that focusing on the negative only fosters more negativity. And no, I definitely didn’t want to do things like think positively or be around happy people. Most of the time, it was just a stark, glaring reminder of the peace and happiness I lacked. Thinking positively and being around happy people mostly just made me more bitter, angry, and resentful.
Solution: The truth is that we need to focus less on the negative. Take in less negative news, stop doom-scrolling on social media, and stop sticking your toes into terrible things.
Get some help from a trained professional if you find that you can’t reduce that negativity. It may be that you’re dealing with depression (which can cause anger and hatred) or some other issue that is fueling it.
And here’s a piece of advice that can help lighten the load: if you can’t be positive, just try to not be negative. It is easy to jump on the spiraling negative thoughts and ride them into oblivion. The truth is that you don’t necessarily need to judge either way. Let things be as they are. Just let it sit.
9. Not being able to forgive or let go.
People can be terrible at times. They do things that leave lasting damage, suffering, and pain in their wake. That kind of harm leaves trauma, and trauma can foster rage and hatred.
Sometimes it’s not that severe, though. Maybe it’s someone that did you wrong in a way that they experienced no justice for. Plenty of people just love the saying, “What goes around comes around.” But that isn’t true. There are plenty of terrible people out there who will face no justice at all for the ugly things they did.
Some will, some won’t. But what does that mean for you?
Solution: Forgiveness is a powerful tool for self-healing. Now, don’t mistake forgiveness for an apology. They seem like synonyms, but in this context, they’re not. In this context, forgiveness is about accepting the way things are, the flaws or terribleness of that other person, and not dwelling on the past. It’s about not holding onto that grudge because it will only harm you, not the person you’re holding it against.
Sometimes, people do terrible things because they don’t know any better. They are ignorant of their own nature, watching out for themselves, and don’t realize how they are harming others. On the other side of the coin, you have genuinely evil people who thrive off the harm and suffering they cause. And that has nothing to do with you at all. That’s because there is something seriously wrong with them.
10. Feeling the need to win.
Are you a competitive person? Maybe an overachiever? Do you feel like you must win at everything you do? And if you don’t win that you are somehow less than? Does it make you angry? Does it make you hate the person who succeeded… or yourself for not being good enough?
This kind of behavior often stems from childhood trauma or neglect, particularly when a parent or guardian withholds love as a punishment for a failure.
That kind of behavior reinforces the child’s need to be productive, do something, and do well at it so they can earn love and affection. This, of course, is toxic. It’s toxic because love and affection aren’t a currency to be earned.
Solution: Addressing trauma is typically not something you can undertake independently. You will likely need to see a therapist to get to the root of this kind of competitive behavior, the negative feelings you experience, and find a way to heal it. By addressing those issues, you should reduce the anger and self-hatred you feel by not winning. To lose is not the end of the world when you realize it’s not reflecting who you are as a person.
11. You have poor boundaries.
Boundaries teach other people how you want to be treated. That seems like kind of a questionable statement, doesn’t it? How hard is it for people to be respectful, considerate, and kind? Well, turns out it is mighty difficult. You see, most people are out there in this world for themselves.
They aren’t thinking about you at all. Even the people you love and care about may not have you on their minds nearly as much as you do. And that’s why boundaries are so important.
Boundaries inform other people how you want to be treated and what you are willing to accept. Now, here’s a secret bit of information that you may not realize if you don’t have good boundaries: the kind of people you want in your life will want to respect your boundaries. They won’t want you to be uncomfortable or unhappy. If they want a relationship or friendship with you, they will act respectfully.
But the people that want to use you or take advantage of you? They hate boundaries. They want to tear your boundaries down. And that’s the reason that a person with no boundaries that starts to enforce boundaries will often lose people around them as they go. The people taking advantage of them no longer see them as useful, so they move on to someone they can manipulate and influence.
You cannot rely on other people to do right by you.
Self-hatred and resentment are fueled by being taken advantage of and disrespected. You may find yourself asking questions like: why am I not good enough? Why isn’t this person good to me even though I do so much for them? What makes me so terrible?
And the answer is that it’s not about you at all. It’s about the way that person chooses to move through life.
Solution: Boundary setting can be difficult when you first get started with it. You have to define the boundaries, be willing to set the boundaries with other people, and enforce them when people push up against them. You do this by deciding what is acceptable to you, clearly communicating it, and then conflicting with the person if they try to push the boundary.
And rest assured, people will most certainly try to push your boundaries because most people are out for themselves, first and foremost. That means you must be careful about what you put out there and how you interact with the world. Boundaries are a good thing to work on with a therapist if you find yourself struggling with enforcing your boundaries or any guilt you might experience.
12. Undiagnosed or uncontrolled mental illness.
Undiagnosed and uncontrolled mental illness can feed the flames of hatred, anger, and resentment. Those kinds of extreme emotions may actually be symptoms of mental illness in many cases. Honestly, there isn’t a whole lot to say about this one. Anxiety disorders, mood disorders, trauma disorders can all contribute to extreme emotions and emotional instability. If you can’t nail down why you’re experiencing hatred, or you’re having a hard time with extreme feelings, then it may be worthwhile to be screened for mental illness.
Solution: If you are having difficulty conducting your life because of your moods, emotions, or actions, it would be best to talk to a certified professional to get the appropriate help. Mental illness can be managed in many different ways. Some people take meds, others use therapy, some use lifestyle changes, and many use some combination of those things. The best part about seeking help is that putting a name to the problem can help you find solutions to that problem.
If you’re having a hard time with hatred or extreme emotions, the best thing you can do is to reach out to a professional so you can get to the cause of the problem. Unfortunately, many of the suggestions people offer for dealing with such a powerful thing as hatred often only address the surface-level problem. If you don’t address the deeper problem, it will just keep resurfacing until you do. And usually, it’s worse every time it resurfaces.
Still not sure how to work on and tame your hatred for everyone and everything? Talking to someone can really help you to handle whatever life throws at you. It’s a great way to get your thoughts and your worries out of your head so you can work through them.
We really recommend you speak to a therapist rather than a friend or family member. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours. They can help you to uncover the core reason(s) for the hate you are feeling and provide effective and workable solutions to dissolve those negative feelings and replace them with something more neutral or even positive.
A good place to get professional help is the website BetterHelp.com – here, you’ll be able to connect with a therapist via phone, video, or instant message.
While you may try to work through this yourself, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can address. And if it is affecting your mental well-being, relationships, or life in general, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through and do their best to overcome issues that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, therapy is 100% the best way forward.
Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started.
You may also like:
- How To Stop Being Bitter: 10 Steps To Overcome Your Bitterness
- 5 Reasons Why You’re So Angry At The World (+ How To Stop)
- 5 Ways To Not Be So Easily Offended By Everything And Everyone
- 7 Simple Steps To Not Let Things Bother You
Actions to Take When You HATE Your Life
I Hate My Life
Most of us have experienced that pivotal peak of pain, anger or frustration in which we want to scream “I hate my life.
” Yet, the feeling that a dark cloud has specifically settled over us and our experiences can feel pretty isolating. The truth is, no matter how singled out or overwhelmed we feel, and no matter what area we are struggling in, we are not alone. More than half of U.S. workers are unhappy with their job. One in 10 Americans struggles with depression. All of us have moments of utter despair. Escaping from this hopeless-seeming state may feel impossible. Yet, in reality, we are not doomed, and we are not powerless. No matter what our circumstances, we can all learn tools to help us emerge from the darkest moments in our lives.
In his 35 years of research, Dr. Salvatore Maddi of The Hardiness Institute has discovered that what predicts how well we will do in life, our relationships, careers, and so on is NOT how much money we have or even how many struggles we face. It’s a matter of how hardy or emotionally resilient we are. We can all learn to become more resilient. We can implement tools that help shape how we see and experience the world around us.
We can uncover what’s at the root of our unhappiness and create a life that has personal meaning to us, a life that reflects our unique goals and desires.
This process starts with asking ourselves a few questions, starting with:
Whose life are you really living?
One of the reasons we have the feeling of “I hate my life” is because we aren’t really following our own path. Instead, we are, often subconsciously, carrying out someone else’s idea of how we should live. In order to have the life we say we want, we have to separate our real point of view from negative influences from our past, from people around us or from society at large. To do this, we can engage in a process known as differentiation, which can help us to distinguish our real wants, goals and desires from undesirable outside influences. As Dr. Robert Firestone wrote in his book The Self Under Siege, “Differentiation is a universal struggle that all human beings face if they wish to fully develop themselves as individuals.
” Firestone outlines four essential steps to the process of differentiation that can help individuals live free of imagined limitations.
According to Firestone, in order for our real, authentic self to emerge, we have to identify and separate from destructive programming we received very early in our lives, primarily from our parents or other influential caretakers. “Differentiating from parental interjects and psychological defenses based on the emotional pain of childhood is a central developmental issue in every person’s life,” wrote Firestone. “To the extent that we retain the critical attitudes and destructive elements we have incorporated into our own personalities, we remain undifferentiated from our parents throughout our lifetime.”
The point of differentiation isn’t to blame parents for all our problems but rather to help explain the elements that lay the foundation for the self-limiting or self-destructive behavior we engage in that leads to our unhappiness.
Naturally, no parent is perfect. We are all human and full of flaws. Parents may have critical attitudes toward themselves that extend to their children. As people grow up, they tend to incorporate these attitudes and engage in a process of self-parenting. They may start to imitate their parents’ less favorable traits, take on hurtful attitudes toward themselves or retaliate against these parental influences. All of these actions are a reaction to our upbringing and don’t necessarily reflect our true unique identity and point of view.
For example, if we had a parent who couldn’t hold a job, perhaps we will find ourselves sabotaging our own success. If we had a parent who believed they were unintelligent, we may feel this way toward ourselves. As adults, we tend to be drawn toward relationships and circumstances that recreate the emotional environment from our past. Differentiation means interrupting this cycle and truly living our own life. If you feel like you hate your life, it’s beneficial to ask whose life are you really living? Are you reliving someone else’s idea of who you should be or what you should want? What truly has meaning to you?
Are you looking at your life through a negative filter?
The second question to consider when we feel like we hate our lives is “are we listening to our “critical inner voice?” As Maddi discovered in his research, it isn’t just our circumstances that determine our life satisfaction and success.
In fact, it’s what we are telling ourselves about our circumstances that often makes us miserable. Our critical inner voice describes a cruel, internal enemy we all have inside us that comments on our every move and criticizes us at every turn.
This critical inner voice is there to undermine and sabotage us in every area of our lives, our careers, relationships and personal goals. When we experience a setback, this voice will tear us apart and remind us that we’ll never succeed. It’s often the sneaky internal entity responsible for fueling the flames that lead us to hate ourselves or resent our circumstances.
One of the biggest steps we can take to change our lives involves identifying and challenging this inner critic. It’s important to separate this alien coach from our true point of view. We can all learn effective methods to overcome our critical inner voice and achieve a more self-compassionate attitude toward ourselves. As we engage in this transformative and enlightening process, it’s valuable to remind ourselves that as long as we are independent and differentiated adults, we can pretty much change any part of our lives… as long as we change this negative filter.
Although our critical inner voice has built up over a long time and is based on destructive past experiences and early childhood influences, as adults, these “voices” are just thoughts. No matter how anxious it makes us, we can counteract this inner critic and grow stronger in the process. For example, if our voice tells us we are incompetent or incapable of change, we can remind ourselves that this is just a thought driven by a deep, unconscious “anti-self” whose only mission is to sabotage us.
Then, we can consciously take the actions that go against the directives of this anti-self. We can go out for that job interview, knowing we can handle not getting it. We can stick to an exercise plan even when our inner critic lures us to indulge. We can stay close to our partner despite the anxious thoughts our critical inner voice shouts at us.
How resilient are you?
Resilience or “hardiness” is something we can all foster and develop within ourselves.
The more we can stick through hard times without expecting the road to be easy, the better we can handle what life throws at us. Hardiness involves accepting that we have some control over our situation, and that there are always steps we can take to improve our circumstances. Obstacles can be seen as challenges from which we can grow. We can learn more about Maddi’s research and the steps to become more psychologically resilient here.
There are many actions we can take when we feel turned against ourselves and our lives.
Practice mindfulness – Mindfulness is a practice that teaches us how to let go of thoughts that are destructive or undesirable. It has been proven to reduce stress, fight depression and lead to overall benefits in health and well-being. Mindfulness meditation can help us to acknowledge these thoughts as momentary feelings that will pass like clouds over a mountain.
Learn more about mindfulness.
Conquer your critical inner voice – Voice Therapy is a method developed by Dr. Robert Firestone. The five steps of this therapeutic process allow people to identify, respond to and challenge their critical inner voice, while recognizing where this inner enemy comes from. Learn more about Voice Therapy.
Spend time with a family of choice – Oftentimes, people feel obligated to spend time with the family they were born into, but old dynamics and remnants of past hurts can cause “family time” to be times of pain or stress. It’s important to create for yourself a “family of choice.” Of course, this may include people you’re related to. What’s most important is choosing to be around people who support you and the things that light you up and make you who you are.
Realize your personal power – No matter what life throws at us, taking a victim mentality only makes us suffer more. By realizing the ways we have power over our lives, we can feel stronger and more resilient in any obstacle we face.
Seek help – Going to therapy is an action that would benefit everyone. There is no shame in seeking help. In fact, it is an act of bravery and strength. No matter where you are in the world or what your economic status is, help is available. Samaritans.org is a great international resource to find help. If you or someone you know is in crisis in the United States, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1 (800) 273-8255 or visit them online.
No matter where we’re at in our lives, it’s important to remember that we can handle loss or change. Human beings are incredibly adaptive. We may struggle at first, but we can get through the toughest of times. Things will get better. Even those who experience thoughts of suicide must know that the suicidal state is almost always transient and temporary. Help is available. You can feel better. You can conquer whatever internal forces are telling you to give up, and you can go on to have a uniquely meaningful life.
Need help? If you or someone you know is in crisis or in need of immediate help in the United States, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This is a free hotline available 24 hours a day to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis. Visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
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Tags: anti-self system, critical inner voice, cynicism, depression, differentiation, life, lifestyle, lifestyle change, self-critical
"I hate everyone, especially children and animals," my adopted daughter told me.
Believe in your children, even in spite of them. A difficult child is a child who is having a hard time.
“If I had such a child, I would have killed him already. And you didn't kill me. And you buy everything for me, and feed me, and don’t give it to an orphanage”
Photo: EPA/TASS
A monster hides behind a cute facade
— I haven’t told you about how we are doing for a long time.
Today I'll tell you about my most difficult daughter - the girl Anya. It's time to talk.
We met her many years ago when she was brought back from her foster family. “A very good, sweet girl, foster mother, apparently, embellishes the horrors,” they told me in custody. Two braids, a school dress and a briefcase - this is how she was brought into custody. Straight from school.
Anya is a very nice child, developed, well-read. She has a good memory and a zest for life. It is always interesting with her, she causes sympathy and love. And I fell in love with her from the first days of her life in our family.
But behind a nice facade there was always a huge avalanche of pain from experienced betrayals, from repeated losses. It was as if two personalities had always coexisted in one body - the sweetest child, budding, and the destroying monster.
I talked a little about this, but now the time has come to share with you (with the consent of the heroine herself, and only what she allowed and what she herself is ready to tell).
Possessing intelligence, Anya loved to manipulate - to enter everyone into horror and stupor, subtly and prudently. At the appointment with a psychiatrist, she gave the most incredible reactions, and then, when we walked home, she laughed at how well she had wrapped him around her finger "with his stupid tests."
Lies and manipulations were constant, always, and there was not enough opportunity to understand where it was real.
Is she real when she hugs me and swears her love, or when she says she wants me to die and laughs at my pain?
I studied this for a long time, until I understood - always. And then and then. Two children live in one person - a small child in need of love, and the second, matured early, sipped grief and forced to defend himself, built armor.
And every time she is honest - but only there, in the moment.
Her childish, fragile nervous system could not withstand such a dichotomy and gave an overload. The first year and a half was accompanied by hellish many hours of daily tantrums until she lost consciousness, without the ability to bring her out of this state.
With throwing furniture, cutting things, breaking glass.
It was a great happiness that at that time we were given a lot of things, and still she cut them so fast that sometimes I had nothing to take her to school.
In addition to real tantrums, she practiced fictitious ones. They looked like they were real. One day I found a notebook under the bed. There was a plan on how not to go to school:
1. Get up in the morning, throw a tantrum. Yelling and beating everyone hard and for a long time until mom gets tired
2. Go to the room and sit for 3 hours.
3. Go out and ask for water
4. Ask for forgiveness in the evening.
I realized that this is a challenge. Either I will give up and let her not go to school every morning, or…
Needless to say, the next morning I carried her to school literally in my arms, all 42 kilograms, who were screaming and biting all the way?
No, it was not cruelty on my part, as it might seem from the outside.
I had to do something to counter the attempts to control me.
And when we entered the school, Anya smiled and calmly went to class, kissing me goodbye. There were no more tantrums in the morning. In total, they lasted about 2 years, then slowly disappeared, at least in their original form, when she screamed until she lost consciousness and threatened to kill everyone, including herself.
This was one of the reasons why I moved into the house - the neighbors looked at me unkindly, and I was very afraid of her threats to leave the window. Here, in the house, you can go out of any whenever you want, without a threat to health.
The tantrums will end not only with pills, but also with my patience, wisdom and consistency. It was terribly difficult to defeat your own monsters.
Any "no" was immediately enforced
Photo: EPA/TASS
Anya hated any form of control, prohibitions, boundaries. But she really wanted to control all of us.
Who, where, why. She even scolded me for not wearing a scarf. Sometimes it seemed that I was in the book “Bury Me Behind the Baseboard”, only instead of a grandmother there was a 10-year-old child.
Is it necessary to say that Anya loved no one? “I came into this world to destroy it,” she said. "I hate all people, especially children and animals."
When her pet mouse died, everyone cried except for her. “Well, I’m dead and dead, why are you roaring,” the girl remarked quite calmly.
Everything that was impossible - she violated immediately. Can't meet pedophiles online? Ummm. Interesting, I'll go to a dating site. Can't steal? Ummm. Soooo. Yay, new action. Can't you throw something out the window? Need to try. Is drinking and smoking harmful? The next day, a bottle of cognac disappeared from my father.
Any "no" - enforced at the earliest possible opportunity. Any, generally any prohibition - was violated with the most innocent person in the shortest possible time.
I became afraid to ban something.
Theft was the most interesting action.
It was not even theft in your understanding. It was an endless game - to take something that does not belong to you and hide it, throw it away, destroy it, and then watch everyone search and help search.
Every day we all looked for something, every day, many times a day. From toilet brushes to clothes. Any cosmetics, any shampoos, anything you like, something personal - disappeared instantly, and in such a way that in most cases I could suspect anyone except Anya. Even myself is lost.
We had to buy a safe, put locks on all the rooms, but that didn't help either. She managed to clean the room at the moment when you go down to the toilet, forgetting to turn the key.
She also learned how to pick locks. After that, we put cameras in all the rooms, except for hers, so as not to violate personal space. It was stolen both in shops and at a party not bad. But less often. For some reason, the main blow fell on the house.
The house generally had a hard time. Doors and furniture were broken. Sometimes I had to hold her to keep her from hurting herself or other valuables like my work computer.
Once Anya confessed to a psychiatrist that she wanted to burn down the house and even made a fire in her room, but then she changed her mind and put it out. After that, the psychiatrist insistently suggested that we hospitalize Anya. But I couldn't.
I felt, I knew that behind all this ice wall lives a small, frightened, warm kind heart.
But I couldn't break this ice. Sometimes it seemed that now - already. What got better, but it turned out that I just didn’t know something, and Anya is now passionate about a new project of destroying the world. And the projects were one grander than the other. Too bad you can't tell me everything. Just believe.
Yes, I burned out
Photo: depositphotos.com
I felt bad. Sometimes I could not even work and write, because it seemed to me that I had nothing to say to people, nothing to support them, because I myself am a loser.
Probably, I have no talent at all, while I can advise something to others. And then I took a vacation.
Many times I have been at the bottom, gained wings and again fallen into the abyss of despair in this endless struggle for control and boundaries. I needed help. I went to a bunch of psychologists, psychiatrists, read a lot of books, attended one hundred or five hundred seminars, completed a bunch of additional courses.
I was already able to help anyone – a lot of people always came to me for consultations. But I couldn't help myself.
And no one could help me - everything was not right. Didn't help. No method, no book. They all explained the nature of the phenomena, but did not give an answer what to do, except for some very general phrases about “building affection” or even something about the fact that “love heals everything.”
By the way, I love Anya to the point of unconsciousness. You can write me down as a masochist, but her lively mind, her sense of humor, and even her thoughtful manipulations, cunning, ability to plan and think through any of her actions - admired me.
There was no rudeness, there was no stupidity and bullying.
There was a game, an endless game. Like chess, where one moves. The second thinks and walks in response. The game is largely intellectual. And since childhood, I loved intellectual games, riddles. I found the main mystery of my life. I needed to figure out how to melt this ice that bound her heart.
The method that helped
As for the books, I will make, perhaps, one exception. My adored Nancy Thomas, whom I now have the good fortune to know personally, has written a marvelous book. Yes, it is unscientific, there are obvious contradictions to modern scientific views, I will never recommend reading it as a detailed instruction for action.
But I fell in love with it from the first chapters, because there is a lot about me and Anya - about injured children, those who are considered uncontrollable and are returned from foster families. With sympathy and love. I took some practical advice from the book, and they worked.
For example, about the fact that a child should not be punished, but it is necessary to build a system of rules and consequences.
Without threats, violence, punishments of any kind, let alone assault. Only rule and consequence. If - then. With love. And it worked. Slowly, the borders began to return, but the process was slow.
I often got sick from permanent nerves, then Nadya. At some point, Dimka left the house, saying that he could no longer, however, then returned, but disappeared at work even at night, often not coming to spend the night.
This winter, after a short "thaw", it became quite hard - "I will still do what I want." But for several years the girl grew up, and I could no longer hold her, much less take her to school. The doctors insisted on hospitalization and I almost agreed, but at the last moment I decided to make another attempt - I made an appointment with Irina Preobrazhenskaya.
We talked for more than an hour in her office, Anya repeated again that she did not love anyone who came into the world to destroy it.
Irina gave us a task, which Anya agreed to, but, leaving the office, she said that she was not going to do stupid tasks of stupid doctors. However, it seems to me that it was Irina Sergeevna who was able to find some special button - Anya was crying, silently and quietly.
The coronavirus broke out and everyone stayed at home. Anya no longer went to school, she was nearby, and the referral to the hospital burned out. I allowed the children to walk not far from the house in the field, alone. One day, after such a walk, she came home. I dozed off on the bed in my bedroom. She knocked on my door and said she really wanted to talk.
— You know, mom, I have such a … discovery. I was just walking in the field and suddenly I realized. I got it. I thought that I do so much shit for you, but you still love me. But why am I doing this? It's just me…
I thought that if I had a child like that, I would have already killed him. And you didn't kill me. And you buy everything for me, and feed it, and don't give it to an orphanage.
Please forgive me.
I stood up in surprise. But, I confess, I didn’t really believe it, thinking that this was another plan. She must have thought of something, something is needed. BUT!
Nothing has gone missing since that day.
There was not a single tantrum or manipulation.
She stopped breaking rules and pushing boundaries.
We no longer close our doors and have never used the cameras.
I have gained boundaries. We all have boundaries. We have personal belongings again.
I am happy. It worked. She believed me. At first I was afraid to boast, I was afraid that there would be a rollback, because before there were calms before the storm. But he is not. Yes, she's a teenager, with the usual teenage problems. But Moriarty is dead.
A simple, smart, beautiful girl with a wonderful sense of humor remained. Love love love. Happy. Beautiful spring, even more beautiful summer. We are together, and I, and the children, and Dimka. Peace and tranquility in our home.
Believe in your children, even if you don't. A difficult child is a child who is having a hard time.
Now I have something to say to the world.
https://www.miloserdie.ru/article/teper-mne-est-chto-skazat-miru/
How to hate everyone so that everyone loves you - Weekend - Kommersant
On the centenary of Jerome David Salinger, the author of the cult novel and the famous recluse who has not given a single interview in 40 years, we decided to finally find out what always irritated us about the creator Holden Caulfield and the Glass family, but did not stop us from loving him at all. Cheated phrases, dramatic digressions, the habits of actors, the voices of priests and 45 more objects of hatred of Salinger and his heroes, who completely shared his dissatisfaction with people as a species
Photo: Vostock Photo Archive
I hate my name. Jerome. Dirty nickname. Sounds like I'm an orthopedist.
Or, God forbid, some writer. It's even worse.
Letter from Joyce Maynard, 1972
"Amazing". I hate this word! Terrible vulgarity. It hurts when you hear such words.
"The Catcher in the Rye"
I can't stand the so-called "creative people" who travel around on various steamboats. I don't care what the reasons are.
Zooey
"Beyond the Catcher in the Rye". Directed by Danny Strong, 2017
Photo: IFC Films
I am writing from my Jeep. There are chickens and pigs scurrying around in an incredibly uninteresting manner.
Letter to Francis Glassmoer, 1944
God, how I hate this habit of yelling after "good luck." This makes my mood worse.
The Catcher in the Rye
Maybe everything will work out, but I hate the forty-second year and, on principle, I must, on principle, hate until I die.
Kiss you hard, see you when I get back.
"Higher the rafters, carpenters"
For every thousand idiots in the army there is one great man. But, most likely, it exists only in my imagination.
Letter to Aaron Hotchner, 1944
I am traveling incognito, I said. I hate cliched phrases like "traveling incognito". But there is no other way to talk to fools.
"The Catcher in the Rye"
But I'm tired of just nice people. Lord, if only I could meet a person who can be respected ...
"Frannie"
Catcher in the Rye in William Wyler's The Collector, 1965
Photo: Collector Company/Columbia Pictures Corporation
I can tolerate society as long as I wear rubber gloves. Though lately, I must say, I've been feeling an irresistible urge to cut off 's ear and take the next train to Antarctica.
From the memoirs of Joyce Maynard "At Home In The World"
Friends and relatives are hell for a working writer.
Letter to Joyce Maynard, 1972
Can't stand dramatic digressions, but still have to start with a new paragraph.
Seymour: An Introduction
“You know what, sir,” I say, “don't be upset because of me. Not worth it, honestly. Everything will be alright. This is my transitional age, you know. It happens to everyone.
— I don't know, my boy, I don't know…
I hate it when people mumble like that.
Catcher in the Rye
He began to apologize that there were no chairs in his son's room - only mats on the floor, but I immediately assured him that for me it was almost a gift from heaven. (I think I even said I hate chairs. )
"De Daumier-Smith's Blue Period"
In general, I can't stand it when adults dance with kids, the view is terrible. For example, some dad in a restaurant suddenly starts dancing with his little daughter. He leads her so awkwardly that her dress always rises behind her, and she doesn’t know how to dance at all - in a word, she looks miserable.
Catcher in the Rye
"The Catcher in the Rye" in "Chapter 27" by J.P. Schaefer, 2006
Photo: Artina Films/Peace Arch Entertainment Group
And now my brother is in Hollywood, really screwed up. If there's one thing I hate, it's cinema. I can't stand it.
Catcher in the Rye
Plotting a Murder - some sick English dick, known as Ian Hamilton, is scouring for material for my biography.
Letter to Michael Mitchell, 1984
There are no more writers. Only stupid commercial agents and all sorts of amateurs of potryndet remained.
From the memories of Lillian Ross "Bearable"
Some stories, my property, were stolen. Someone took them. This is an illegal act. This is unfair. Let's say you had a coat you liked and someone broke into your closet and stole it. This is how I feel. Publishing is a disgusting intrusion into my privacy.
Interview The New York Times, 1974
All those insufferable smug literary types who haven't read a line of Tolstoy since college. Everyone is feverishly nursing a bestseller. And it's not that the lack of a genuine gift prevents them from constantly demanding meaningless edits for the sole purpose of proving their indispensability. No, they will offer their brilliant ideas. Not being able to create something on their own, they are nevertheless determined to leave their mark on your work.
Letter to Joyce Maynard, 1972
First, I hate actors. They behave on stage in a completely different way from people. Just imagine what it looks like. Good actors are sometimes quite similar, but not enough to make it interesting to watch. And besides, if the actor is good, it is immediately clear that he himself is aware of this, and this immediately spoils everything.
Catcher in the Rye
Catcher in the Rye in Miguel Arteta's Good Girl, 2001
Photo: Flan de Coco Films/Fox Searchlight Pictures
I don't like theater as theater.
I don't like the curtain, I don't like how the actors appear on the stage and how they disappear, I don't like all these movements around the stage, the pretentious reading of roles. I don't like "beautiful" scenery, I don't like minimalistic scenery. Directors, producers and programs act on me like small doses of poison.
Letter to Joyce Maynard, 1972
Finally getting tired of sitting on the washstand, I jumped down and started tap dancing, just for fun. I wanted to stretch myself - but I don’t know how to tap dance at all. But in the washroom the floor is stone, it's very cool to tap dance on it. I began to imitate one actor from the cinema. I saw him in a musical comedy. I hate cinema as hell, but I really like to portray actors.
"The Catcher in the Rye"
If you're interested in films - and I hope you're not - my old story called "Slow Paw" will soon be released under the title "My Stupid Heart". The Epstein brothers bought this story and made a screenplay out of it.
I haven't seen the movie, but from what I've heard, they screwed up a lot. My fault. Money is the root of you-know-what.
Letter to Paul Fitzgerald, 1949
How I dislike drinking at social events - if it's for no reason and no pleasure, but just out of society. People start acting like they feel close to me, and that annoys me and makes me feel ashamed.
Letter from Joyce Maynard, 1972
I hate it when there is too much gin.
Franny
I hate fisticuffs. It's better if they beat me - although I don't like it at all, you understand - but I'm terribly afraid of hitting a person in the face, I'm afraid of his face. I can't look him in the face, that's the trouble. If at least we were both blindfolded, it would not be so disgusting. Strange cowardice, if you think about it, but it is cowardice nonetheless. I don't deceive myself.
Catcher in the Rye
Catcher in the Rye in Woody Allen's Annie Hall, 1977
Photo: Rollins-Joffe Productions
How exciting! Lillian says and introduces me to his sailor.
His name was Captain Blop or something like that. He's the type who thinks he'll be considered a sissy if he doesn't break all forty fingers of yours when he shakes hands. Ugh, how I hate this!
Catcher in the Rye
Over the weekend, I received two invitations to visit from my neighbors. I lied that I was going to Boston. Now you have to go. Damn people.
Letter to Jean Miller, 1953
“Come on, brother,” he said, “get your butt off!” - This "brother" and pissed me off completely. Without even bothering to lean towards him, that is, to continue the conversation in the same private manner, in the same bon gout as he, I told him in French that he was a rude, stupid, insolent type and that he did not even imagine how I hate him.
"De Daumier-Smith's Blue Period"
I danced simply, without tricks - I hate when they do all sorts of tricks during dances, - but I completely turned her around, and she obeyed perfectly.
Foolishly, I thought that she was also pleased to dance, and suddenly she began to flog some nonsense.
“The Catcher in the Rye”
Their suitcases were inferior, cheap - not leather, but just random stuff. I know it doesn't matter, but I can't stand cheap suitcases. I'm ashamed to say, but I sometimes find it unpleasant to look at a person who has cheap suitcases.
"The Catcher in the Rye"
I'm damned tired of getting up in the morning in a rage, and in the evening going to bed in a rage.
Zooey
Catcher in the Rye in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, 1980
Photo: Warner Bros on this issue, I have no doubt that we would have dealt with something else. Personally, I'd rather play for the Yankees.
Letter to Joyce Maynard, 1973
I'm just not a university type person. Put me within a mile radius of the "ivy" and I'm more likely to get covered in some weird nasty rash.
I couldn't stand college, even when he was still his age.
Letter from Joyce Maynard, 1973
College is another business place in the world created to store up treasure on earth.
"Zui"
And if I have to do my job, if I have to honestly do my "duty" (a word I hate) - that is, more or less as the Bhagavad Gita ascribes - then I need to stay out of the city.
Letter to Jean Miller, 1954
Z_n_a_n_i_e - in any case, knowledge for the sake of knowledge is the worst thing. This is the most unforgivable.
Zooey
The Catcher in the Rye in Richard Donner's Conspiracy Theory, 1997
Photo: Warner Bros
It was still quite early. I don’t know exactly what time it is, but, in general, it’s not too late. What I hate the most is going to bed when I'm not tired at all.
Catcher in the Rye
For breakfast they had only coffee and toast.
I am disappointed. I hate eating scrambled eggs and ham and everything else when there is only coffee and toast around.
Catcher in the Rye
Doctors! A bunch of cardigan lovers who fell short of normal golfers. Endlessly prescribing medications that cover up symptoms instead of seeing them as a message from the body demanding lifestyle changes. If you're willing to take any of my advice, stay away from doctors.
Letter Joyce Maynard, 1973
In the schools where I studied, all the priests, as soon as they start preaching, their voices become oily, disgusting. Oh, I hate it! I don't understand why the hell they can't talk in normal voices. They make faces before, it's impossible to listen.
Catcher in the Rye
These days I carry a Colt .45 with me. I do not envy that critic who, reading my stories, will call me "promising", "observant" or "immature".
Letter to Ernest Hemingway
"The Catcher in the Rye" in "Conspiracy Theory" by Richard Donner, 1997
Photo: Warner Bros
I hate it when you pretend to be so over-manly and reserved (two N's?).
Rather, it’s not that I hate it, but simply “strong and harsh men” are organically contraindicated for me. No, of course, it's nothing that you are also strong, but I'm not talking about that, you understand.
"Franny"
Over the years, I feel like I've gotten away from all general and personal conversations, and don't talk to anyone except one or two local drunks or the occasional lunatic.
Letter to Michael Mitchell, 1985
With this phrase, she finished me off. I confess. Yes, yes. I can swallow everything, but not my mother. Just not "my mom said."
"Consensual"
The problem with you Joyce and the rest is that you love the world.
Letter from Joyce Maynard, 1973
Rushmore Academy. Directed by Wes Anderson, 1998. Jason Schwartzman's character, a troubled teenager in a boarding school, is considered the closest on-screen portrayal of the protagonist of The Catcher in the Rye.
